Original subtitles

I wasn't here yesterday to learn the dance routine.

Do you think you could show it to me, Ms.

Vanderbean?

Okay, this is the last time.

You'd better learn this, otherwise you'll fail phys ed.

I pulled a shoulder muscle, Mrs.

Vanderbean, from the routine.

Do you think you could check it for me to see if I need to go to the nurse?

Does this hurt?

I think we're getting to the tender part.

had a dream that physical was when my cousin Cephalia came to visit for a

I guess I better go for a walk and walk off that nightmare.

I ordered for you already.

Oh, BLT.

My favorite.

Well, I'm glad you could make it out tonight.

I mean, you always have your nose buried in those books. I never get a chance to

talk to you. Yeah.

Hey, it sure is nice to have someone want to hang out with me.

I don't really have any friends at school.

And besides, no one invited me to any costume parties tonight.

Yeah, me neither.

Hey,

my granddad told me my family comes from a long line of vampire

slayers.

Haven't you ever heard of the Van Helsing?

You mean Eddie Van Helsing is your father?

I love him! The guitar player?

No! No!

Oh.

Hey, um... You like boys?

Of course I do, dummy, don't you?

Yeah, I guess I like guys.

But I don't know, they make me feel kind of funny.

Yeah, funny in the pants.

Okay, what about Professor Dalton in history?

Do you think he's hot?

I don't know. I guess.

Hey, haven't you ever seen those two girls that practically hang all over him

after class? Mm -hmm. From the Pi -Ada -Pi sorority? Oh, yes.

Huey and Dewey. Yeah. Those are the only two girls I ever saw hold hands before.

That's because they're carpet munchers, Will.

Huh?

Carpet munchers.

Purveyors of poontang pie.

Libby -oakers.

Lesbians. Oh.

Okay, listen, Will.

If you like guys, then you need to learn how to talk to them.

You gotta get your nose up out of these books long enough to - carry a

conversation. And who knows, you just might get lucky.

No, no way. I'd be way too scared.

Forget it.

Can I get you to anything else?

Yeah, just the check, handsome.

Well, he's kind of cute, don't you think?

I can't talk to him. I'd be way too...

I've got it.

I'm going to go over there and talk to him, and then maybe... No!

Don't! Why, what's the worst that could happen?

What if he gets all excited and whips out his penis?

Okay, well, I don't think he's going to whip out his penis right here.

I mean, maybe something.

Hey, hey, hey. You gonna give me a tip this time?

What do you mean?

I tipped you plenty the other time. Look, lady, you've been coming here for

a month, and the most you ever left me was ten cents.

So what's wrong with that?

You know what? It's the 21st century, lady, okay?

You can't even make a phone call with a dime anymore.

All right, look, you don't have to get all pissy about it, okay?

College girls aren't loaded with money, you know.

Actually, you want to make a good tip?

See that girl sitting over there?

Oh, you mean that skankwad sitting over there?

She is not a skankwad.

And actually, she's very hot. She just dresses that way when she goes out so

that guys leave her alone.

Really?

Do you want a good tip or not?

Okay. But it's going to cost you.

Cool. Look, all you have to do is just walk over there and talk to her very

nicely.

Trust me, this girl practically worships the ground that you walk on.

She'll do just about anything for you.

And all I gotta do is go over there and be nice to her.

That's it?

I'm just gonna walk over there and then you come around in about two minutes,

okay? Whatever.

Okay, it's all set. I've talked to him and he really likes you. I wish you

didn't do that!

What if I make a fool out of myself?

What am I supposed to say?

Do I look okay? I mean, do I have anything in my teeth?

Relax. Be yourself.

Here he comes.

Look, I hope he doesn't get excited. I don't want him whipping his penis out

poking me in the eye.

Hey there.

It's you, right?

Yes, it's fine. Really, really.

My name is Mark.

Oh, no! Jesus Christ! I'm so sorry!

Oh, shit!

Oh!

Oh, no, I think he's getting excited.

You're not going to whip your penis out, are you? Whip out my what?

I'm so sorry. I did not mean to harass...

Carpet munchers, purveyors of tang,

labia, lesbians, lesbians, lesbians.

The bear is a three -tailed tiger, lady of curves.

Carpet muncher.

I can't see you.

Should I?

Oh.

Oh, for Christ's sake, walk toward the big tree to your left.

Bill.

Hey, kid.

Bill. Whoa!

Well, it's about time.

Jeez, you have to talk to your blue in the face around here to get anyone to

talk to you.

But you're not Bill.

Who the hell are you?

I am your great, great, great uncle, Abraham Van...

Never felt better in my life, actually.

Well, then, why are you all blue and dead looking?

Actually, uh... You were right the first time. I am dead.

But merely a technicality.

Okay.

So, what do you want?

What do I want?

A nice tall drink of ale and a wench with really big... Sorry.

Look, actually, I wanted to, uh...

Tell you something.

Yes, that's it. Tell you something. But first, have you read the sacred book?

You mean the Bible?

No. It got way too boring. Christ, no.

This is a work of non -fiction. I'm talking about your sacred book of your

lineage. Bram Stoker's Dracula.

Oh, yeah. I read that book. Oh, and I saw all the movies, too. I particularly

liked the one with Gary Oldman. Nice performance.

Oh, and did you see that scene with Keanu Reeves? He was so hot in this one.

Shut up!

Listen, fuck the movies. The movies got it wrong.

The book, that was correct.

You see, I killed Dracula back in 1897.

One of his brides escaped bearing child.

I followed her to Romania and killed her, but alas, it was too late.

Child was left on a doorstep, raised by an old couple.

Once she was old enough to know her true nature, she drained their bodies of

blood and set out to destroy me.

You mean she killed you?

But I was told that you died of old age.

Oh. Oh, is that what your parents told you? Oh, well, la -dee -freaking -da.

I suppose they're keeping some of the family history a secret, are they?

Other than that, they were drunk. You know, your great -great -grandfather was

quite the lush.

happened?

Funny you should ask.

Dracula's daughter bit me in the...

What?

In the ass, all right?

Right in the gluteus maximus. Right in the naughty nether regions. Right in the

dark and stinky place.

That'll keep me to sleep in the nude.

So, why didn't you become a vampire?

Because, my dear, when a vampire bites you in the ass, you don't turn.

You die of embarrassment.

This is why I'm here.

How are you here? I mean, you're dead and stuff. Because I'm a ghost, you

fucklehead.

Sorry, I snapped.

Now, would you please just let me hurry up and explain how you can fulfill your

destiny?

Your destiny.

To kill Dracula's daughter.

Get out of town!

I'm trying, believe me.

Really? Yes.

Yes, and she's very close by, and you must destroy her. You are the last of

vampire slayers, my dear. And it is your mission to continue the legacy of the

Van Helsings by continuing to destroy all of these vile creatures.

What's wrong?

But I can't do that.

I'm a member of PETA.

Regardless, you must...

to keep her from spreading her evil through all of mankind.

But why can't you do it?

Do I look like I can do it? I'm dead for fuck's sake. In my condition, I can't

even open a jar of hemorrhoid cream. Okay, fine.

Take it easy.

Geez. Now, pay attention.

Go down this row of tombstones, hang a left, and the crypt is at the back.

You mean she lives here?

Yes. Lucky for you.

Lucky for all of us.

Destroy her. It is your destiny.

My destiny!

Okay, I'll do it. I'm going to find her and avenge the family name.

Good, good. That's my girl. Oh, and listen. When you do kill her, make sure

really hurts like a bitch.

Get that little ass clown for taking a chunk out of my hindquarters.

Okay.

Should have known that wouldn't work.

Oh, and after I clean up the poker game, perhaps I can take you out for some

pizza. Really?

That's so great.

Thanks,

Uncle Abraham.

Ta -ta for now.

Maybe I can enjoy a small show before the game tonight.

Amen.

Ha ha ha!

Van Helsing's always getting distracted by things.

Who dare into my safe place?

We'll help, we'll help.

How dare you deserve this?

You heartless kiddo.

Who are you?

Thanks. Okay.

Prepare to die, you bloodsucker!

You broke my pencil!

That was the only number two pencil I had!

Who are you, puny morsel?

Van Helsing.

Wilhelmina Van Helsing.

You're a Van Helsing? How the mighty have fallen.

And you're Dracula's daughter, aren't you?

Yes. I am Countess Dracula.

At your service.

Good. I just wanted to make sure I had the rights to him.

Oh. Oh, yeah. It is my destiny to destroy you!

You blood -sucking fiend!

You!

Oh, really?

And why, may I ask, must you destroy me?

Because you bit my great -great -great -uncle in the ass.

Yes.

Abraham Van Helsing.

I seem to remember his nether region was rather pimply.

Dirty man.

If one would just bathe properly, one wouldn't have that problem.

Do you hear what I'm saying, darling? I mean, you really could use a good hose

-and -down.

Forget that!

I must avenge my family and destroy you.

One moment before you destroy me.

Excuse me, I, uh... Excuse me.

Stop that.

What then?

Just look.

Look at my ring.

Yeah. It's nice, though, right? Walmart has something like it for $9 .99, I saw.

There is no other ring on this earth like this.

Look deeply.

Look into the fire within the chamber.

You are getting sleepy.

Very sleepy.

Not that sleepy.

Listen to me.

I must have the blood of virgins in my veins before this night is out, or I

lose my youthful appearance and turn into an old hag.

The only virgins around these days are lesbians.

Lesbians?

What are these lesbians?

Uh, you know, carpet munchers, hair pie aficionados.

Dyke!

Look, they don't have sex with men.

So unless they lost it to a vibrator, technically they're virgins.

Lesbians.

I think they might just do the trick.

Go. Go then and get me these lesbians. Okay. But wait, how do I get them to

back here?

The stone in the pendant.

It's similar to the one in my ring.

You will memorize them.

Do you mean mesmerize?

Oh, yes.

Mesmerize them.

They will be unable to resist your imitation.

Just tell them we're having a big party.

Okay. So I bring you virgins.

What's in it for me?

Immortality.

Immortality?

My life sucks.

I don't want to be around here forever.

Got anything better?

Whatever. I'll see what I can do.

Go. Go and get me these virgins, lesbians.

Okay. Deal.

Okay.

Let's go find us some lesbians.

Hey, this is the place.

Huey and Dewey's dorm.

This game is called Good Cop and Bad Cop.

Unfortunately, Good Cop is out for the evening and you've been very bad.

Tell me where you put my red dress that you borrowed yesterday.

I, I, I swear I didn't take it.

Oh, really?

Well, maybe this will help you remember.

Where

is

it? I swear, I swear I didn't take it.

I think you might need a little more convincing to remember.

Yes. I mean, no. No, please don't.

Oh.

any party you'd be invited to be like woo out of control

Midnight at the crypt in the graveyard.

Oh, and you will bring your friend, too.

Time to party.

Bring a roommate.

What time are we supposed to be there?

Midnight. And don't be late.

Oh, and I don't think you will need to bring any clothes because you certainly

won't be keeping them on for very long.

How am I supposed to get there? Just go to the graveyard and look for the

sign next to the crypt.

You can't miss it.

Graveyard.

Sign.

Crypt.

Boy,

I could get used to this.

Okay, well, I can't stand here all day.

I've got way more lesbians to find.

You know, dear, we should really do something tonight other than watching

Okay, let's do something.

Yes.

What should we do?

Something.

We should have sex.

Sex? Let's do it. Bye, Jupiter.

Dear, dear, please don't swear, okay?

I'm sorry. I just got so excited.

By the way, I picked up a little something I can wear during our, uh...

I'll go downstairs, and I'll put on my

outfit, and you can go upstairs and put on yours, and then we'll meet back here.

All right?

Super.

Don't be low.

Oh, baby.

You look wonderful.

Are you ready, dear?

I'm ready.

Okay.

Now get on your knees, you slivering little...

You piece of shit!

Thank you!

Thank you!

Higher, you turd!

Interesting, but let's move on.

I don't know.

Let's change the subject.

What's that for?

That's our cherry -flavored massage oil. It heats up when you breathe on it.

It's one of our top sellers.

Really?

Absolutely. I practically have to pre -order stuff by the gallon because it

so quick.

Well, if it heats up, where would you put it?

Uh, you put it on.

Ah, hell.

Instead of trying to explain it, why don't I just show you?

This stuff has a tendency to stain, so these are going to have to come off too.

Wilhelmina.

Wilhelmina.

I have a little bone to pick with

you, my dear.

What? Well, I send you out to kill Dracula, and you just end up lining

up victims for her. Am I wrong?

It's all a part of my cunning plan.

Oh. Oh, cunning plan is it, huh? What cunning plan is this?

Well, when Dracula gets all the virgins in her tomb, she'll be so distracted,

I'll be able to destroy her.

Ah, and with what item exactly do you plan to destroy her?

Well, I first tried to stake her with my wooden pencil, but she broke it. So I'm

thinking that maybe I'll try a wooden pen.

Are you sure you're not switched at birth?

Oh, yeah.

I'm sure.

See, I've been discovering a lot of new things about myself.

Oh, such as?

Well, when I was watching those women, I became very excited.

Someplace special.

Ah, so you are a true Van Helsing in the grand moth -diving tradition.

What do you mean?

Oh, well, you see, you're great -great -great -aunt Sophie.

began the whole Van Helsing lesbian tradition by ravishing and sucking the

off anything with a skirt within a thousand acres.

In fact, I do believe to this day the only reason the woman married me was

because of all the women under my employ, both at the manor and under my

tutelage at the university.

In fact, I'll never forget the day I stumbled on her with one of the maids.

Horny devil had her bare backside sticking straight in the air whilst

down on the young lady.

I confronted her about it, naturally.

She laughed in my face, said that I was a lousy lay and that she had to find her

jollies elsewhere.

By that time, she had already snookered every maid in the household and started

to work her way through all the secretaries and students at the

What was I to do?

I'll tell you what I did do.

I poured so much absinthe down that girl's throat, she never realized I had

poked her like a prized dud.

It's because of that blessed event, my dear, that the Van Helsing line has

continued to this day.

So, I come from a long line of lesbians?

Hardcore lesbians at that.

Oh, and if you're Van Helsing in that manner, then you share some other Van

Helsing traits as well. Did she try to hypnotize you at all?

Yes, she did.

But you know what? I was never really hypnotized.

I just wanted to see all the lesbians.

Ah, yes.

That's right. No man, woman, or vampire could ever successfully hypnotize a Van

Helsing. So, she just thinks you're doing her bidding.

Yep.

Well, I underestimated you, kid. I've got to hand it to you.

You know, I think I can help you with this cunning little plan of yours.

Oh, what should I do?

Well, first, what you have to do is get some chicken wire and a couple of boxes

of...

Oh, don't mark.

How many girlfriends do you have?

None, really.

Unless you count my dog Spunky.

Why do you call her Spunky?

Well, she just did, you know, when you kind of hold her a certain way.

You know what I'm talking about.

Well, I see you two are getting along well.

Will, where have you been?

Why? Did you miss me?

Well, yeah, actually, Mark and myself were here just talking.

Yeah, sure.

Hey, waiter boy, do you serve pizza in the dump?

Uh, yeah, sure we do.

Good. You got any hot?

I need it in a hurry.

Yeah, we got a whole pepperoni pie downstairs.

Good. Why don't you throw some extra garlic on it and sell it to me, would

To go.

I'll be right back.

It's not what's gotten into me.

It's what I want to get into.

Come again?

Phil, since the last time I've seen you, I think I've found myself.

I know what I want to do with the rest of my life.

Which is what?

Eat at the Y.

Okay.

So I guess I'll...

I owe you.

It's on me.

So is some spaghetti sauce.

All right, well, here's your tip.

And you better wear two condoms with that one.

She's a bit dicey.

Thanks. Oh, and be careful with that, okay? There's an awful lot of garlic on

it.

Thanks, Martin.

You're a good boy.

You'll go far in food service.

They can't miss it now.

I did what you told me.

Did you

bring me

these lesbians?

Mm -hmm.

I sure did. It wasn't easy, but I got all of them, just like you said.

Excellent.

Where are they?

Well, I told them to be here by midnight, so they should be here any

They'd better be here, or else you'll be dead.

Don't get your nipples in a twist.

They'll be here.

But you know what?

I think it would be a better idea if you weren't in the room when they arrived.

You don't want to scare them and stuff.

Why would that matter, silly mortal?

They'll still be hypnotized.

Well, actually...

Only some of them are hypnotized. The others are just coming because their

girlfriends asked them to.

I told you to hypnotize all of them.

Well, what's the difference? They're coming anyways, and they'll be here any

minute. So look, I really think it's a better idea if you wait until they're

occupied before you do your thing.

But if there aren't virgins here within the hour, you will pay Van Helsing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're gonna be here. Oh!

I think I hear them now.

Hide in the coffin, okay?

I'm gonna go see who it is.

What's the matter with you tonight?

You've been saying that all night.

Although sex in the crypt sounds kind of kinky.

I'm really glad you could all make it tonight.

Hey, who the fuck are you?

You're that loser from history class.

Like the one who was the crush on Professor Dalton.

Yeah, that's me.

Well, why don't you go on in and make yourself comfortable?

Where are the others?

I hope they get here quick.

Hello. Is this where the party's at?

Yep, this is the place.

I brought some stuff from my product line to liven things up a bit. Oh,

just wonderful.

Look, the others have arrived already. Why don't you go on in and introduce

yourselves? My friend's a little loud of it. I hope she doesn't spoil the party.

Oh.

I'm sure whatever it is, it'll pass quickly, especially once the festivities

started. I sure hope so. Come on, Cindy.

Okay,

they're all here.

Uncle Abraham, let's hope that tonight I can fulfill my...

Now you will all stare deeply into the pendant.

You will remove all your clothing.

kiss one another, and engage in lesbian...

It what?

An aphrodisiac. It heightens sexual arou -

Didn't your father ever tell you to chew all your food thoroughly before

swallowing it?

Time to fulfill.

I don't remember coming here.

I definitely remember coming.

What

the

hell is going on here, Van Helping?

Didn't anyone ever tell you it's rude to talk with your mouth full?

Time to fulfill the other part of my destiny.

Hello, destiny!

Yes, yes, that's my girl. A true Van Helsing.

You.

I should have known you were behind that.

Well,

tough titty, isn't it, Dracul?

Didn't think the girl had it in her, did you?

Filthy man.

I will have my revenge someday.

That's rich.

I see you still have that little problem, old man.

I guess being dead hasn't alleviated the situation.

Certain things I had at the time of death I took with me to the grave. But

least I can find some relief, which is more than I can say for you, Biat.

What do you mean?

Oh, at least I know how to scratch my little itch. You, on the other hand,

have to spend eternity being constantly horny.

Looks like she got the point.

Wilhelmina, do be careful with that thing, darling. It looks like it could

dangerous. Hmm.

Well, all of you gentlemen out there who are too busy zipping up your pants to

have turned off the player just yet,

I'm the little surprise at the end that you see while the credits are rolling.

The director promised me a little soft shoe or production number or something,

and he didn't come through, so now's my chance.

I'd like to do a little number called Good Vibrations.

Good Vibrations.

I'm ready for my paycheck.

It

is

now 5 .30 in the morning.