Original subtitles

Quite right, but you still don't match up to me. Quite right,

guess you'll never catch up to me. I know I've got my flaws, but trust me,

they're nothing compared to yours. No, I try, but you still don't match up to

me. Thank you for the message, but I haven't got the time. If you ain't got

for me. Thank you for the flowers, but I got an allergy.

Guess I've showed you don't know me.

Never put my story with a message on the card.

I'll tell you where I live. I'm waiting for someone who really wants to put me

first. I've given all I've got to give.

Quite right.

But you still don't let go to me. Quite right.

Guess you'll never catch up to me.

First dates are always so strange, and I never know how to get the ball rolling.

I would like you to tell me the story of your wines, please.

One is red, one is white.

The eight blocks of glass, the end.

Four eggs, bacon, no potatoes, no toast. Capisce?

Oh, yes, I capisce.

Well, for the second date, we're just going to go to my gym.

I'd love to train, you know, get those arms nice and tight.

Sexy. I could show you some push -ups if you have the moment.

Oh, I actually already have a personal trainer, but, uh... What about going to

see a movie?

What's your favorite?

How about you tell me a delicious little secret?

Something you have never told anyone.

Oh. Um... Hey?

Well... Once, I ate an entire bag of Oreos on a dare at summer camp.

By delicious, I did mean sexy.

What's something you would only tell a lover?

Oh. Well.

Um.

I do like to be tied up. Yeah.

With silk ties.

Well, I...

You happen to have one right here.

When I was a kid, I loved Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

I love that movie. Are you kidding me?

Well, the second one. The first one's trash.

The second one?

I will have the steak.

Very, very well done.

Burn it and soak it in Thousand Island dressing, please.

Wet.

Mmm.

Medium rare.

Perfect.

You want to talk about it?

No.

Why is it so hard to find a good guy?

Because you're not looking for a good guy.

You're looking for the perfect guy.

And they don't exist.

What? I can't have a type?

I mean, everybody's got a type.

Yes, everyone has a type.

But you don't have a type.

You have a gauntlet.

Here's you.

He's a great guy, right?

This is him.

Needing to be hot and sexy enough.

You jumped over that really easy. I mean, because he works out all the time.

This is him.

And this is all the nitpicky crap you're going to come up with to justify

rejecting him anyway.

Nitpicky? Come on.

What about that guy who did voice, though?

Dennis? With the tooth thing? Wasn't that noticeable?

Yeah, but it was there.

Okay, what about the guy that owned that big electronics store?

Oh, Cole, yeah.

Now, he got all the lyrics wrong, and it was so annoying.

Well, what about that hot sexy Latino guy that owned the bar?

Okay. Now, he made a really weird sound when he chewed, and one of his toes was

freakishly short. So that is not... I can't help that. You know the reason why

you keep rejecting these guys has nothing to do with them.

So what should I do?

Date a guy, string him along, and break his heart eventually? Tell me how that's

better.

You are an amazing, smart, beautiful woman who deserves a great guy.

The universe keeps sending them to you, and you keep returning them.

Eventually, it's going to be too late.

Yay!

What's so funny?

You don't want to know. Oh, so clicky. I still love you both, just a little bit

less. How was your date with Mr. Cargo Shorts, Miles? It went exactly how I

thought it was going to go.

I almost fell asleep in my tiramisu.

So boring.

That's too bad. You look so cute. I know, but you can't be this cute to get

with cargo shorts, honey.

How do you take it? The usual way.

You still slept with him? A lady never tells.

A toast?

To somebody who just secured the storefront on Melrose that they've been

stocking for a year.

Oh, my God. You are a rock star. We start construction next month. I just

shipment of the most beautiful fabric the world has ever seen. Do you want to

see the new one? Yes.

Bam.

Llamas. Alpacas.

Llamas are so 2018.

Of course, Donna by Design will be doing the grand opening. Of course.

What if we have actual alpacas there?

And then we make the gift bags out of your material.

Do alpacas spit?

I think that's camels.

No, alpacas do spit, but not the ones you rat. They're chill. They'll do

selfies.

Hi, baby.

Do you want garlic potatoes and dead chicken tonight?

Surprise me.

Paul is so insanely hot.

It's your average gourmet chef bodybuilder who can't keep his hands off

arms are ridiculous.

You know how the elevator in our building's from, like, the 1800s?

any time it's not working, he just carries me up the stairs.

It's so romantic.

Speaking of romantic, enjoy your little sleepover, did we?

Just for the night.

You guys, he wears tighty -whities. It would be like having sex with my dad.

Your dad wears boxer briefs.

What? I... I accidentally saw him changing during one of your pool parties

middle school.

Your daddy was packing heat.

Ew, stop! Oh, my God. This is ridiculous.

Give me that. I'm going to pick the next one, and I dare you to find something

wrong with him. Okay.

Ad exec, major agency, gorgeous, 6 '1", and I know he doesn't wear tighty

-whities because here's a picture of him looking fine in a pair of $165 Derrick

Rose boxes.

Bam. Bald.

So?

I don't find bald guys sexy.

I never have.

It can't get past the whole Mr. Clean thing. Mr. Clean is freaking hot.

And you know his house would be spotless.

Like it could end up being a pandemic.

The news is so extra.

Always exaggerating.

I thought you were done.

I'm almost done.

Oh, my God. I know that wasn't six feet, but I want you to know I have not left

my house since lockdown started, okay? I have not had close physical contact

with anyone else.

Like, in a long time.

Like, even before the virus.

Oh.

That's sad.

Well, I mean, you know, I have friends, and I go on dates, but, you know, I just

don't hook up with anybody.

What I'm saying is I'm totally safe.

Oh.

Okay. So, instead of starting with our usual Sporkle quiz to loosen everyone

I thought we might try something else.

A new What's Your Princess game.

I sent a link.

Claire, you go first.

If I don't get Snow White, this stupid thing is broken.

Oh, Cinderella.

So basic.

Brian. Something wrong with your camera. We can't see you.

Sorry, Tony. It's been one of those mornings. You know, like, every morning

until the end of time.

Apparently.

Dad, I need the computer for Zoom class, and Devin is using it to play

Minecraft.

Dad, my teacher said I could do Minecraft for my math assignment.

Excuse me for a moment.

Devin is working!

Now, although I'm in the shower, I am at work!

And from what I'm seeing down here, Devin, you've got two options, young

Either you learn how to wipe the toilet seat and get the pee off of it, or learn

how to be a man and hit the can.

Do I make myself clear, sir?

Sorry. I was just helping the kids with the homework.

Were we?

Ooh.

The princess thing.

Wait.

Milan isn't a princess?

She's a warrior.

Vanessa.

Yeah. Start, please.

I have a client with a ton of questionables on his Google results. Can

look at Greg Swandon?

What a creep.

Did you see a Snapchat profile pic?

Mm, mm, mm.

He didn't even pay the nurse in the home. His own mother died, eh? It gets

worse. There's a ton of nasty reviews on Amazon.

And he had so many anti -immigrant tweets that his housekeepers quit.

That wasn't because of the tweets.

But they sued him for sexual harassment.

I'm going to have to write a ton of content to push this past the first two

pages.

I'm at work.

Well, I tell you to call me back later, but I'm about to have a heart attack

from stress, so don't worry about it.

I want a simple memorial.

Cardi B should do something from her first album. I want to be buried in that

gray suit with a collar, and I want my ashes scattered at Fred Siegel.

Okay. Everybody relax.

Relax. The bank is going to foreclose on my store if I don't come up with some

payments. Honey, I'm sure that everyone's going to start buying stuff

soon. And when is that?

A year from now.

I'll be living in a box by then.

Luckily, I have a ton to choose from since I'm surrounded by inventory I

use. I sold one shirt in the last week, and I'm pretty sure the guy's just going

to use it as toilet paper.

We're just wondering what's so funny about this client being wrongfully

of strangling a sex worker.

Okay, so the Nobel Prize for blank goes to blank.

Whining the whole internet.

Hey, babe, can you pick me up my prescription before they close?

Sure. Okay, you got masks, gloves, sanitizer?

Yes, ma 'am. Okay, you get in.

Get the prescription.

And get out. No browsing.

Right? And have a wet wipe ready to touch the door handle.

Aye, aye, Captain.

See you guys.

You're fun.

Okay, so you know how my birthday is only eight months away?

Yeah, everyone knows.

Yeah, we all know. Will you please get help? Get help right away.

Okay, so I think Paul is planning something big.

Like, really big.

Like getting down on one knee big.

Well, it seems like a weird time for a protest, but I'm down for the cause.

Seriously? What makes you think that?

He's being super cagey about the specifics.

Maybe it's because it's literally eight months away.

Look, all I do is plan other people's big days.

And now it's finally my turn.

Or at least it will be once this stupid virus is gone.

Oh, wait.

Hey, check him out.

I would kill for all that hair.

No jury in the world would convict me.

It's a match!

He said that he now has day pajamas and night pajamas.

Okay, Miss Gorgeous, what the hell are you doing on this lame -ass dating app?

Oh, you know, I'm just looking for a little fun while my husband's on a sold

-out tour with his Grammy Award -winning band.

Is it Bono?

It's Bono, isn't it?

I can't tell you that.

But yes, it's Bono.

Wow, now that is impressive.

And my wife is a supermodel with two PhDs, so I certainly would know.

It's so weird, isn't it?

I have watched every video on the internet.

You know, I went to get something out of my purse yesterday, and I was like, oh

my God, that's right.

We used to have purses.

Ugh. It just all happened so fast, didn't it?

I remember when they told us to sing Happy Birthday while we washed our

and I was like, okay.

Seems like a million years ago.

So, um, do you want to take this to the next level in FaceTime?

Yeah. Let me get them for you.

Ta -da!

Oh.

Phew.

It's just that your profile pic, you know, you looked a lot... Younger, with

more hair.

Yeah.

They're not the most recent photos, but they're all me.

Ah.

Gotcha. But I did lie about something.

Okay. Yeah, I don't have day and night pajamas.

What I have are inside and outside pajamas.

And those are?

Well, these are outside pajamas, of course.

What kind of Neanderthal would greet a lady in his inside pajamas, please?

Well, at least you have a nice place to quarantine.

And that fireplace is huge.

Yes, but it's not how big it is. It's how you use it.

So, uh, what do you do?

What do I do? I, uh, I help rich people manage their time so that they can

make even more money.

Ah, a consultant.

Oh, hello.

Yes, hello.

Oh, my God, who's this?

Uh, this is Countryside Winterbell of Northampton Acres.

You're kidding me.

I wish I was.

Yeah, I didn't name her. She's a show champion. But I call her Steve.

Say hello, Steve.

Oh, poor princess. That's terrible.

She's adorable, so she gets away with murder, which I'm sure you can relate

Uh, Brandon.

Okay, you're killing my game here, Steve. I seriously was crushing this.

Look, you're a great guy.

Great. I'll meet you at City Hall in an hour, and we can tie the knot.

No, I get it.

You're, uh, you're out of my league.

What? I didn't say that.

Didn't you?

I'm really sorry.

Yeah.

Look, I know I should have put up more recent photos, and, uh, I also know how

the world works.

And for the first time in my life, I feel like I'm running out of time.

Turns out, a global pandemic can cause a lot of soul -searching. Who knew?

Hey, maybe there's a multiverse out there where your insides matter more

your outsides.

And if there is, I'll meet you there.

But, uh, until then, I'm sorry I wasted your time.

Say goodbye to the nice lady, Steve.

Goodbye.

Uh, wait.

How do you like your steak?

My steak?

Like, literally, or is this some kind of a sex thing?

No, literally.

Uh, medium?

Usually I just leave it up to the chef.

Nothing weird on top?

Is steak sauce weird?

Okay.

Piaget cheese.

The original Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, or the Tim Burton remake?

You are not seriously asking me that.

I am.

Okay, if aliens were given that remake to decide whether or not to keep us

as a species, they would instantly vaporize us. And they should.

Right, Steve?

Dogs or cats?

Hmm.

Well, I'm actually allergic to cats, but I love them so much, I'm going to pick

them anyway.

Sorry.

Oh, she's already stormed off to file a complaint with HR.

My mistake. It's time for the morning walkies.

Oh, crap.

What time is it?

It is 8 .52.

I have to be at work in eight minutes. Oh, my God, quit getting in the shower.

Ah, where are my shoes?

No, but seriously, I do have to go. I try and look semi -human for work.

Well, this was really nice.

Yeah, it certainly was.

Can I call you later?

Sure.

I'll be done around two.

Oh. Yeah, two won't work.

I'll be placing my empty pizza box on top of my trash Jenga pile.

How's three?

No, sorry, that's not going to work, because I'm going to be holding my hair

like this to see if bangs would work at three, so... Yeah, well, this just isn't

going to work out.

Oh, no, you know, I guess not.

Nice meeting you, though.

Stay safe. Stay safe.

Jinx! Oh!

Well, now I'm going to have to call you so you can unjinx me.

You hang up first.

No, you hang up first.

Anyone else have anything?

I need an article about 90s TV shows.

Vanessa, why don't you do it? You grew up watching them.

I'm only nine years older than you.

Ten. What if?

See, that's something old people say. Like lit or fam.

Or Facebook.

Okay, before we say goodbye, let's just go around and do one quick round of...

Oh, I... My modem's freezing.

I... Let me... Back.

Oh, no.

Miles, no. We talked about this.

I am a carbon -based life form. This is how we process weight.

It's disgusting.

Everybody poops, Donna. I read it in a book.

Would you just call us back when you're done?

Wait.

I'm done.

That was not 20 seconds.

I'm in my seat.

I'm so sorry. Excuse me.

I'm just a little tired from my all -nighter last night.

You cybered with Mr. Great Hair last night?

Yep. His name is Brandon.

And to be honest, those pics were from like 20 pounds and two inches of

ago. I knew it. That was the hair of the gods.

Wait, I'm confused. It took you all night to tell him never to contact you

again?

Brutal.

No.

We actually spent all night getting to know each other.

Never met anyone like him.

But?

There's no but.

There's always a but.

Not this time.

He's funny and sweet and smart.

And, you know, he's OK. So you're not attracted to him. You're attracted to

house. Hey, that's not fair.

She's attracted to his job also.

Yes, he's successful.

But he's also not my type. So I feel like those two things cancel each other

out. That isn't how love works. It's not antimatter.

Isn't it?

I mean, we trade the imperfections we can't live with for the ones that we

Look, you guys knew me before.

You know how hard I've worked to really get to like who I am today.

That's your inside.

People love to say that, but it's not true.

You know, when you live in a world where your outside is more important than the

inside, it changes your inside.

And not for the good.

Well, how much do we even know about this guy? Have you read him through your

Scrub Me program?

No, not yet.

But I'm going to get his last name at dinner tonight, and then I'm going deep.

Instagram, Snapchat, Facebook, background check.

This guy has so much with an unpaid parking ticket, I'm going to find it.

Or, hear me out, you could just trust that he's a good guy.

Yeah, because insane psycho stalkers usually put that right in their profile.

Ooh, that reminds me. Need to see if he added MySpace page.

What? You have nothing in your digital profile?

Of course I do.

Which is exactly why I hid it.

Try and keep up.

Listen, you know, I'm all for the background check, but the other stuff,

like him, you like him.

Oh, wait.

What time is it?

Crap. I gotta go shave my legs for tonight.

We're having our first real dinner date.

No guy wants to accidentally find out the girl he's talking to is half -Yeti.

Donna, will you stay on with me? I want us to watch Housewives together.

Um, I have to go do something first.

What? Just take me with you.

No.

Wait. Are you pooping? Girls don't poop.

Yes, you do.

No, actually, we don't. Ever.

Siri, do girls poop?

Girls do poop. Here are some videos.

No, no. God, no.

Now listen, this is a very important night for me.

Don't you mess it, okay?

Deal? High five.

Fine, here.

I'm a little nervous, okay?

I told you no teeth. Hi.

Wow, you look... You look quite handsome yourself.

Well, thank you. Actually, I'm from the Union.

So,

Brandon, what's your last name?

It's Donaldson. What's yours?

McConnell. I've been talking to you for like eight hours today, and I never

asked you what you do for a living.

Well... First of all, it was 10.

And secondly, I work for a company that suppresses negative Internet results on

Google.

Basically, we write original content to push the stuff that people don't want

you to see to the third page.

You know you could just click past the first two pages of a Google search and

straight to the third page, right? Yeah.

What?

Hold on.

I've got to write this down. I'm calling my boss.

You have just blown this whole operation wide open.

I'm sorry it had to come from me.

Well, to lockdown.

To lockdown.

Wow.

What?

It's just I keep having these moments where I realize certain things are just

gone forever.

Like toasting.

Jesus. You're right.

I mean, we used to...

Touch our glasses together and then drink from them. We used to blow candles

on birthday cake, slice them up, and distribute them to children.

So, I go into the boys' bathroom, and I wind up a ton of toilet paper, and I,

please, let me get past the next few hours of second grade, and no one will

that I have a bloody nose.

Oh, yeah, foolproof plan. I dart across.

the playground, and I'm thinking I'm getting there, and there's a line of pre

kids walking so slowly, you know, with the rope and everything, and I feel the

surge coming, but I get past them, and then for some reason I turn, and then

blood splurting out of both nostrils.

No!

It's like if the end of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre and the elevator scene

The Shining had a baby.

And from that point until the end of the 12th grade, I was known as Bloody Mary.

Wow.

Oh, yeah, that beats mine for sure.

I told you mine was worse.

Oh,

what time is it?

Like 3 a .m., I think.

I got to go to bed.

Okay. Good night, B.

Is it okay that I called you V?

Yeah, sure.

My best friends call me that.

Good night, Bloody Mary.

I will come for you.

Look at my new mask.

Oh, it's cute.

Those little dogs?

No, they're dicks.

That way, if anybody's like, why are there dicks on your mask? I can tell

if you can tell they're dicks, you're standing too close.

Six feet apart, motherfucker!

Brilliant.

Dick mask!

Yes! Honey, I will take two.

I made it out of the T -shirt fabric. I just sold 45. No, 49 people ordered

them. Do you know what this means?

I am at the forefront.

I'm going to be a titan of industry.

So, did you get his last name?

Yes, I did.

Well, don't keep us waiting. How bad is it?

Well, I haven't looked him up yet.

I was going to, and then I thought, you know, what if I just trust him?

Maybe Miles was right.

I'm sorry. I was looking at my phone, and then I heard maybe Miles was right,

I'm back.

Okay.

Brandon is going to be joining us in a minute, and I want to go over some

rules. No being psycho.

No embarrassing stories from when we were kids.

What about CVS?

Especially CVS.

I promise nothing.

You guys, I think I really like this guy.

Don't screw it up for me, okay?

Okay.

Vanessa got caught shoplifting tampons from CVS and Peter Pants.

I mean, hi!

I'm Donna.

Did I do that wrong?

I'm gonna murder you.

Hi, everyone.

Nice to meet you guys.

Hi, I'd like to offer my condolences on the loss of your hair.

Brandon, I am so sorry. No, no, that's okay.

Now, when your hair was still with us, what kind of product did you use?

Well, this was fun, guys. Bye.

No, no, it's fine.

Don't worry.

We're not crazy.

Not at all. Boxers are brief.

Mankinis. Classic Pisces.

Actually, I'm a Leo. Yeah, but what's the Gemini rising about?

Donna, what the hell are you talking about? You don't know anything about

astrology.

Classic Pisces.

All right, what sign comes after Pisces?

Pikachu.

Guys, you're being psycho. A little psycho, but it shows that they care

you, which I can understand because you kind of wonder. Fact.

Ted Bundy was one of the most charming guys you'd ever meet.

That fact is not fun.

Okay, I'll make you two a deal.

Once there's a vaccine, I promise to let you know if I follow that put together

with the L .A. County Trash Collection System.

Deal?

Deal.

Deal. So, what are you guys going to do for your first real date?

You mean, like in person?

Well, I, uh, I hadn't really thought about that.

I mean, I want us to be safe, obviously.

Well, the restaurants are closed.

What about the swan boat?

Seneca Park Lake. It's outside. You can be six feet apart. You can wear your

mask.

Yeah.

I want the first time we meet to be special, you know?

I don't want to have to wear a mask, or I certainly don't want to be six feet

away from you.

Okay.

What if we waited?

You know, what if we...

Picked a date that's way down the line, and if there's a vaccine by then, we

meet.

I got it. Halloween. Could you come up with a less romantic holiday?

Plus, there's no way there's going to be a vaccine by then.

What about Christmas?

You can unwrap each other.

Ew. What do you mean, ew?

That's sexy.

What about Valentine's Day? I mean, that's nine months away.

But is it romantic enough?

Ah, good point.

Valentine's Day it is.

Now, I heard you all think you're pretty good at cards with friends.

Pretty good?

I will annihilate you.

It was my major in college.

I warned you, they're fierce.

Bring it on.

Okay, you ready? The next one is, for his self -produced album, Mark

raps to the sounds of...

My mom.

Hey guys, Donna by Design here, and I'm going to teach you how to make a

homemade facial mask with stuff you already have in your kitchen. Just mix

mashed bananas, yogurt, and honey, and apply it to your face.

Wait 15 minutes before rinsing off, and you'll have skin smoother than a baby's

butt.

Well, we are officially in lockdown, which means people are staying at home

only interacting with those inside their social bubble. Or if you're single like

me, you're a cat.

Many people have expanded their bubbles to include extended family members.

We've just moved my mother -in -law in with us, and I'm looking forward to all

getting to spend a lot of quality time together.

Delivery. Oh, okay, thanks.

You can just leave it there.

Oh, by the way, I left some snacks for you outside. Just help yourself.

Oh, thanks.

I coughed on all of them.

Kidding, kidding.

A little joke to get us through this crazy time, you know what I mean?

Uh -huh.

Never have I ever drunk -texted an ex.

Vanessa? Lies.

So I guess you're forgetting all about Mitchell and me having to go into the

men's room with him to accidentally bump his phone into the toilet?

Do you know how many guy codes I had to break to do that?

Wait, you actually made him do that?

Begged me, crying.

And it wasn't just a text.

Mm -hmm. Oh!

Okay, next round.

Oh, no, no, no, no. I want to know. What did you send them?

Look at this photograph.

Yeah, well, I can't say I'm in shock because Vanessa sent me a bunch of pics

our first night.

Oh!

Brandon! Yeah, I was very disturbed by them. Although my friends are quite

since they all use them as their screensavers.

Donna again. If you're like me, you struggle with your oily T -zone. So just

puree cucumber, lemon, mint, and egg white.

Credit?

Mmm.

Smells like a spanner.

Well, it's the 4th of July, and with it comes restrictions on gatherings of more

than 10 people. So the usual BBQs are cancelled, which is actually a relief to

people who are tired of being asked at every family function why they don't

kids yet.

I would be making my famous ribs like I do every year, but this year my

mother -in -law wants turkey burgers.

So we're having...

It's fine.

Oh, quite the little sweatshop you've got going on over there.

Literally. Can you turn up the AC?

You're killing my overhead, Peyton.

Okay, now, I promised my great -grandmother Millie that I would never

her secret banana nut muffin recipe.

However, I think she'd give you a pass.

Right, Steve?

Yeah.

Aw. Well, thank you, Millie.

Okay, now the secret here is you need to cut the butter into the flour using

your hands.

Just stick my hands in there? Uh -huh. All right.

Okay, here we go.

Yeah, you got a little on your nose there.

I do?

It's adorable. If I was there, I would wipe it off.

Oh, okay. Well, let's... Did I... Did I get it? Maybe a little on the cheek.

A little on... What about up here? Did I get any up here?

Maybe the other cheek.

Oh, well, let's... Did I get it now?

Because if I didn't, that would be really, really embarrassing.

Oh, yeah, yeah. You got it.

Okay. Donna?

You're up.

Ow! God damn it!

Yes!

This is a really dumb game.

Ow!

Oh! Ow!

Oh! Ow! So close!

I'm aging. I should be better with ping pong balls.

there of muffins that I need delivered to that address. There's 20 bucks taped

to it. We're not really supposed to do any deliveries that don't come from

dispatch.

Please be, and he's gonna love them.

You know, it's crazy how close you can get to someone without ever actually

physically touching them, you know what I mean?

I mean, like, not in a sexual way, but actually, you know, maybe in a sexual

way. If I do this delivery, can we stop talking about this?

Oh, sure.

Yeah. Oh, I left an extra basket of muffins out there for you, too.

They're unwrapped.

Well, yeah, they're homemade.

And they're really hard to make, okay? I put my blood, sweat, and tears into

those.

Delivery.

Yes!

Can I help you?

Delivery. Yeah, I didn't order any muffins.

No, they're from Vanessa.

From Vanessa?

Oh, the muffins. Yeah.

What? You didn't eat one, did you? No, of course not.

Oh, thank God.

Yeah, because that batch is like 100 % pure.

You would have had a really bad trip.

These are drug muffins? You're my hug, muffin.

I was going to tip you.

They're not for you.

These are for me.

Wow.

Almost as good as yours, Granny.

I met someone.

I wish you could have met her, too.

Because she's amazing.

It's your girl Donna, and I didn't get a chance to go to the supermarket this

week, so I'm working with what I have.

Oatmeal, avocado, and a little French vanilla creamer.

Mmm, it smells delicious.

Huh.

Itches a little.

There's something so weird about no contact trick -or -treating, right?

Oh, the kids don't care as long as they get their candy.

In fact, they prefer it. No small talk.

Ooh, both sides.

Impressive. For the kids.

Absolutely.

I may or may not have gotten all of my favorites.

For the children, of course.

Hey, guys. Me again.

So, the last mask didn't work out so well.

That's why the good Lord invented salamine lotion.

This mask has expired milk, oats, and cinnamon.

Mmm.

I can really feel it getting deep in my pores.

It's deep in there.

It's like a burning sensation.

Okay, now it's really burning.

The dreaded second wave is upon us, which means, unfortunately,

people will be forced to have a virtual Thanksgiving this year.

Back to you. That's right, Courtney.

Lucky for me, my mother -in -law is still in our bubble, so I get to hear in

person how dry my turkey is.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Hi.

Oh. Happy Thanksgiving to you, too.

Ow. I'm sorry.

Holiday orders are killing me.

I need more Rudolph. I said use candy cane.

It really is the most wonderful time of the year.

I can't believe you're making Peyton work on Thanksgiving.

What? It's not like he has any place to go. Plus, I got him a six -inch turkey

sub. You?

Said foot long.

I ordered a foot long. We're splitting it.

Paul's been cheating on me.

Oh, Peyton, Peyton, stop the machine.

But we have, like, another hundred to do. My friend has heard it.

Oh, Donna, honey, I'm so sorry.

I told him to pack his crap and get the hell out of my house.

That's my girl.

And the worst part isn't even the lying or the cheating or the sneaking around.

Who knows how much corona this trash has been exposed to?

And he's been bringing it home here to me.

I hope his junk falls off.

Right off.

What do you need?

Soup? Vodka? I will bring over a care package, pass it through the window.

keep on a mask. I'll sit on the fire escape. We'll watch a really, really bad

movie. And I will send you my favorite compilation of cat -spring -jerks

which will make you laugh so hard, you'll pee your pants like you're

CVS.

And I'll bring gummy sharks, but the ones from the bottom of the bin, so

extra squishy.

You guys are the best.

But I'm fine here by myself.

I'm just gonna give myself a manicure, order a bunch of crap online I don't

need, and take a nap.

That sounds perfect.

Hey, what color Snuggie should I get?

Oh, God, no.

Nobody ever went wrong with classic blue.

Blue.

I'm working on a blog post about all the different things you can do with duct

tape. Did you know that the astronauts use it in space to put a wing back on

shuttle? That 100 % never happened.

And it's duck hate.

D -U -C -K hate.

So annoying.

I'm not the one who doesn't know how to spell duck, Brian, so who's annoying

now? And you still are.

Every single day.

Okay, okay.

Everyone relax.

Um, Claire, it's ducked. Like, air ducked.

Never mind.

It's fine.

Look, we're all stressed.

I get it.

Vanessa, have you finished that call of duty listicle?

Vanessa?

Hello?

What?

Yeah,

yeah, yeah.

Call of duty. Icicles. Got it.

What's wrong with you?

Nothing. Why?

Because zoning out for no reason is a Rona symptom.

Oh, my God. Are you serious?

You can't catch the Rona through the Internet.

You don't know how sneaky this thing is. It was made by scientists.

And I'm already at risk because I'm using 5G, and I am not giving that up.

Dad, Devin took the last Twinkie, even though you told him I could have it.

That's not fair. I only got two, and she got one.

One is less than two, idiot.

Dad, Chloe called me an idiot.

Can y 'all excuse me for a moment, please?

Devin, this is what happens when you do Minecraft and not math.

And neither one of you should be eating Twinkies this close to dinner.

But, Dad.

But, Dad.

Santa Claus just texted me and said...

Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday, dear Donna.

Happy birthday to you.

Yay!

Okay, make a wish.

This is ridiculous.

Everybody's having Zoom birthday parties.

It's fun.

Okay, now blow.

Seriously?

I wish that Paul and that hoe both get corona and die screaming.

You're not supposed to say your wish out loud.

But the wish can still come true.

Present!

Present! Present! Present!

Read the card.

To Donna.

The coolest, funniest, wildest, most adventurous girl we know.

What is this?

The candle.

Just like the one I have. You always like the way it smells. I was being

This candle's like being beaten with a piece of sandalwood and then smothered

death with magnolia.

Gardenia. Whatever.

Great. So instead of an obscenely large engagement ring and a lifetime of earth

-shattering sex, I get a candle.

I'm going to die alone with an oily T -zone and a pandemic?

No, no, honey. That is not going to happen, okay? We are not going to let

happen. No, no, no. You know that's not true. That's just thinking thinking.

Everybody stop.

Now you listen to me.

Of course you're going to meet someone.

And he's going to be more of a man than that jerk Paul ever was.

Because when you least expect it, that's when it happens.

Trust me.

Hmm.

Oh, now I know what will really cheer you up.

Cake.

Yay!

Oh,

wait.

The sky's so clear tonight.

Maybe that's why all this is happening.

You know, some Mother Nature could take a deep, long breath without us humans

screwing it up like we always do.

And we're the virus.

Whoa.

So how long do you think?

Could just be how things are forever.

Well, that would suck.

I thought you liked lockdown. You said it was cozy.

Yeah, I do. I mean, it is.

And don't get me wrong, I'm grateful. I've got food and Wi -Fi and a roof over

my head.

It's just, you know, I want to have a little more.

And I am officially too drunk to be having this conversation.

What conversation?

This conversation.

Yeah.

I know.

It's just you are, like, the coolest girl I've ever met, you know?

You're funny, and you're sexy, and... You know, I think about my ex

and she used to line me up against this checklist.

And that just got in the way of both of us being who we are.

You made it clear from the very beginning that, you know, you liked who

Who I really was.

And that's awesome.

If I'd have met you in real life, I... Necessary and accepted.

I mean, plus, you've got a beautiful home, which obviously cost you a

so...

What if I didn't have this home?

And I was a struggling writer or something?

Would it matter?

The truth?

Of course.

You know?

I mean, you know how in movies, a girl's always thrilled to get an engagement

ring out of a vending machine?

Well, in real life, she would be horrified.

So it's not the thought that counts?

I mean, it is, but not in real life.

You could have, like, three heads, and I would still be in la -ike with

you.

I la -ike you, too.

I think about holding your hand.

I mean, you know, no gloves or anything, just your warm hand against mine as we

walk and talk.

Okay, full disclosure, I'm thinking about more than holding your hand.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Well, then, why don't we take this conversation somewhere a little more

comfortable?

Really? Very really.

Oh, good.

Oh, Brandon.

Oh, God.

Wait, what happened?

Did you get disconnected?

Oh my God, I was so close.

Excuse me? So close to what?

I'm guessing it isn't Jesus.

What are you doing here?

Hi, Brandon.

What you up to?

Just, you know, hanging out.

Yeah, literally.

Miles. What? I can't see anything. I was just kidding.

I guarantee he really tried.

Are you just snacking while you're watching us have sex?

Oh, my God. Brandon, I'm so sorry about this.

Well, I've always wanted to afford them.

Pretty sure this counts.

Oh, my God.

Goodbye. What?

Could that have been any unsexier?

Well, I can always loop in my Nana.

I'm so sorry, Brandon. I can't even believe that.

Please, you do not have to apologize to me, Vanessa.

So... I mean, we were close. Shall we, you know?

No, yeah.

I mean, look, this was great.

Really great.

Really hot.

But it wasn't real, you know? And I want the first time with you to be

real.

I can wait for that.

Okay.

Me too.

Of course, if this goes on for more than a year, we'll circle back.

Obviously.

Well, what if we had a sleepover?

Oh, that sounds dangerous.

No, no, no. Not like a real one. Just like this. And keep the computers on all

night.

Oh.

Yeah.

Good night, Brandon.

I like you.

I like you, too.

Bobby loves you so much.

Let's go.

What's on the agenda today?

I gotta go to work.

Did I do something?

Is it my breath?

Her who?

The gorgeous woman that you obviously live with.

Who you share Steve with.

Oh, no, no, no. No, I don't live with her.

Live with? Sleep with?

Doesn't matter. Whatever you want to call it.

She obviously has keys to your place.

Well, yes, she has a key because it's her... Look, it's complicated.

Doesn't seem very complicated to me.

Glad we cleared it up.

Can you guys help me?

I'm looking for a part that's mostly red, but the little outie part has white

it. And the innie part is mostly hair.

What are you doing over there?

Oh, Donna, seriously?

Well, what do you call the little inny parts and the sticky -outy parts?

I don't, because puzzles are for the children and the elderly. If I wanted to

lose something for a couple hours, I would just put my tablet pen down for a

second, thanks.

They're called tabs and slots.

They're pieces of a puzzle.

I had to do a blog post on them a while ago.

Oh, was it for Oh My God, Nobody Cares magazine?

We're out of alpaca!

I said use llama.

You're kidding me, right? Peyton, this is my CEO time. I am not to be bothered.

You okay, Pey?

Okay.

What if you'd never tried mushrooms? Because you just knew that you wouldn't

like them.

So you spend your entire adult life making sure people know you don't want

mushrooms. Even going so far as to lie about being allergic to mushrooms so you

don't have to deal with people telling you, oh, just try them, they're

delicious. Because you know deep down that you'll never, ever like mushrooms.

But then one day, someone comes along and offers you a million dollars if you

eat a mushroom.

So, you do it.

And it's actually really good.

And then, they tell you they aren't going to give you a penny.

They just didn't want you to go the rest of your life without ever giving

mushrooms a chance.

What do you do?

I mean, sure, you like mushrooms now, but now you try another mushroom and it

tastes terrible.

I'm so confused.

Um, is this about global warming? Is Earth a mushroom?

No, Corona is a mushroom.

Hey! Why is there a bunk bed?

Um, because this is my place.

I mean, my real place.

Well, ta -da!

So you broke into someone's mansion and pretended it was yours?

No, I didn't break into anyone's mansion.

Look, I make money by walking dogs for people, and one of my clients was stuck

overseas because of corona, so I was watching her house and thief -hitting.

Now, that's the lady that you saw. She got back this morning.

Uh, and this... This is my fancy gourmet kitchen.

And I'm actually a pretty good cook. I didn't lie about that.

In fact, my roommates say I make the best croque monsieur they've ever had.

Roommates?

Yes, I have roommates.

But the room is all mine.

Plus, I have the top and bottom bunk, so, you know, that's fancy.

Look, I never set out to lie to you, Vanessa.

I just...

Didn't correct you when you thought the house was mine.

You did a hell of a lot more than just not correct me.

What else are you lying about, Brandon?

Okay, my name's not Brandon.

It's Daniel Brandon Donaldson.

So let me get this straight.

You made a fake profile, the fake name, and old pictures of yourself, and then

you pretended you had a real job at a mansion?

Why?

You know why. No.

Actually, I don't.

Because we both know that a guy like me without money may as well not even

exist.

Okay? Because in this world, it's the successful people who make the rules.

You know, I really don't think you should be lecturing anyone on ethics

now, okay?

You're the bad guy here.

I'm not the bad guy. I'm the same guy I was yesterday who you were laughing

with. Okay? That guy is real.

This, this stuff, that's fake.

I'm a good guy.

Just not good enough for you.

You okay, V?

Yeah, I'll be fine.

You sure?

Because I wouldn't want you to feel like the worst person in the world.

That'd be rough.

Excuse me?

You just evaporated the heart of a... He lied to me!

Stop acting like that's what this is about.

Okay, fine.

I need to be with someone successful and powerful.

I'm never going to fall in love with Brandon or Daniel, whatever the hell his

name is. You're already in love with him. I've known you since we were 12.

seen every single relationship you've been in and I've never seen you anywhere

close to this happy before.

Yeah, my mom and dad were real happy too until she finally figured out what a

loser he was and he was living off of her for 18 years.

Okay, so this guy has to suffer just in case he turns out to be like your loser

dad? Solid plan.

So, what do you want me to do? You want to string him along until I can't take

it anymore and then break up with him?

Hell, this was the decent thing to do, okay? I'm protecting him.

Oh, no. See, the decent thing to do is to not be such a shallow jerk.

But hey, you do you.

Miles.

Miles, come on.

You know how hard I've worked to finally like myself on the inside and the

outside?

I've worked my ass off to become this person.

And I deserve someone who's successful in every way.

Now, I'm not going to wind up with some loser like my mom.

Truth is, you can have any guy you want.

So, if you want a hot guy with money, just go after that.

You've done it a thousand times before.

Oh, hey!

Namaste.

So what do you think?

You like what you see?

Oh, wow, is that a stripper pole?

It is.

Woo!

Yeah, yeah.

This baby's top of the line.

Only the best for my guest.

Didn't even realize there were different kinds.

Yeah.

It's cool, right?

Oh, is that a dog?

No, brah.

This is, uh, Bruno Cuccinelli Cashmere.

No, man, I hate dogs.

Especially the little yappy ones, you know?

God, I'd love to kick a dog one day.

Oh, yeah, I love cooking, but med school keeps me so busy that I hardly have

time for it anymore.

Yeah, of course.

It's so... Strange, though. I swear I recognize your voice.

Maybe in your dreams.

No, that's not it.

Wait a minute.

Are you my delivery guy?

Wait. Are you Vanessa McConnell?

Yes.

Oh, my gosh. I knew I recognized your voice.

I just, I've never seen you without the mask. Well, this is an insane

coincidence.

I am not your drug mule!

Oh.

Hey there, stranger.

Glad to see you're alive.

Yeah, you too.

You know, I never got to thank you for that night.

It was fun.

Yeah, it sure was.

Maybe we should, uh, have some fun again?

Right now?

Oh, yeah.

Why not? I'm just, uh... Uh... Just this shirt.

Come on, babe. What else are you wearing? Show me.

Um... You know, I'm actually just wearing some old sweatpants.

Thought this was going to be more of a waist -up kind of call.

Oh.

Okay, well, I'm feeling a little underdressed at the moment.

I'm just in my underwear.

Yep, there they are.

Did you told your thing now that we've got the way?

I listen for the news. I'm running out of things

to do.

an allergic reaction to one of those facial masks that she made. I tried

her and calling her, but she wouldn't pick up. But I went over there, and

God I did, because she was unconscious when we found her.

Wait, we?

Well, I kept trying to call you, but I couldn't get in touch. I'd been

FaceTiming with Daniel.

With Daniel?

He had called me because he had an idea for a new ad for one of my products. He

always called me and stuff like that.

He does?

He was there in five minutes.

We tried calling the ambulance. We called 911, but everybody's overwhelmed

because of flu and the holidays and COVID. They said it might take 20

get her. And so her elevator's broken. Daniel picked her up, carried her down

three flights of stairs, got her into the cab and kept me calm while I was

giving the hospital her admission info. I was a mess.

Wait, he's here right now?

Yeah, he went to the bathroom right after I called you.

30 minutes ago.

How is she?

She'll survive.

Thanks to you.

I just did what any other person would do.

No.

No, you didn't.

You never do.

Other people just scroll past their friends' fundraisers, but you donate to

every single one, even when you can't afford it.

You send people silly cat videos when they're up at 3 a .m.

You treat every dog you walk like it was your own.

I've read every Yelp review, every Instagram post.

Did you happen to pull my credit report?

Because those things cost like 20 bucks?

No.

But I did read your blog.

All.

Well, blog writing isn't real writing.

The hell it isn't.

Apparently every major literary agent in town would disagree with you.

Well, then we don't stop until we find one with some damn taste.

We? I've wasted my entire life searching for things that I thought were deal

breakers in a soulmate.

And it turns out, you're the most successful man I've ever met.

So, can we start over?

For real this time?

Okay.

This is my faith.

My actual faith.

No makeup, no filters.

No making sure the light's just right. No angle from above to make sure that I

thin out my double chin.

And you see this?

Spanx. I used to wear these every day.

Because I thought if I didn't, this is the fish tank that I had for a fish that

died years ago.

What's his name?

Fish. His name was Fish.

Takeout boxes.

Because I can't cook.

I would burn a bowl of cereal.

calorie coke.

No, there's no diet coke here. No diet anything.

Also, did I just recycle it or throw it in the trash?

Because I'm lazy and I'm selfish and I only think of myself.

I'm so sorry I hurt you, Daniel.

I don't... I'm in love with you.

The end of quarantine leaves the bubble and return to their own home.

They can go back to being the people we speak to on the phone every few weeks or

so, allowing their adult children to resume making their own choices without

wiping their bum for them.

It's been a long three years.

It's only been one year, Dolores.

Has it?

I could tell you, but I would have to kill you first.

And you're one of my best customers here.

I don't...

Vanessa?

Twelve months ago, the world just stopped.

And all these things we thought we needed suddenly were gone.

This year, we had to figure out how to survive.

And the only way to do that was to grow.

Together.

Will you go into lockdown with me?

Forever?

Yes, yes, of course. Absolutely.

That's the most romantic thing I've ever seen. I know.

If you ever do that, they will never find your body.

Vanessa, I'm so happy for you.

We just stocked them at the store.

To the end of quarantine.

To the end of quarantine!

To the end of quarantine.

And the beginning of us.

I love, oh, I like you.

I know, oh, I do.

I love, oh, I like you.

No matter what you put me through.

Once upon a time, a girl met a guy.

She kinda had a crush on him and wanted to hide Once upon a time, a guy met a

girl He took her to a dance and he gave her a whirl He brought her flowers to a

very nice party

that they're not in Paris.

Twelve months later, the baby was due.

He kinda had to panic, he didn't know what to do.

I knew the way to make him okay.