Original subtitles

[PEOPLE CHATTERING]

WOMAN: Exsqueeze me. Can I get a side of...

Thanks.

Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull

[FANFARE PLAYING]

WOMAN: Look what the man picked out for us, Marty.

MARTY: "Donny's Party"? What the hell is "Donny's Party"?

- It's a film, Marty. - Never heard of it.

That's because you never leave your bed, Marty.

MARTY: I'm not watching no "Donny's Party."

That movie sounds like "forgot the dick sauce."

[FANFARE PLAYING]

[SMOOTH JAZZ PLAYING]

MAN: ♪ Let's go with the flow ♪

♪ Relax and watch what happens ♪

♪ 'Cause we got the time The evening is fine ♪

♪ And so are you ♪

♪ We just said hello ♪

♪ We can save goodbye for tomorrow ♪

♪ Let's do it ♪

♪ Let's go with the flow ♪

[UP-TEMPO JAZZ PLAYING]

And... cheese!

Okay, can we just go now? This is taking forever.

Jesus, Donny. You sound like a little bitch.

Hey, my friends are waiting, please.

Donny, that is the point of a reception. You wait.

Michelle, stop putting gum in your mouth. Spit it out.

What the hell is wrong with you? Nothing, Mother. I'm perfect.

Honey, don't you think we should wait outside and greet the guests?

Mitch, shut up and act like an adult for once.

- [GLASS SHATTERING] - And... cheese!

Yo, Swell City, baby.

- Fuckin' stop it already! - Make me, bitch.

[ALL ARGUING]

How many fucking martinis are you gonna have? Sorry. Apple-fucking-tinis.

- I fucking hate you. - And... cheese!

Can we just go? My friends are waiting for me.

I will take this glass. I will slit your fucking wrist.

And... cheese!

[ALL ARGUING]

Cheese!

Cheese!

Cheese!

[GLASS SHATTERING]

Cheese!

Cheese!

[ELECTRONIC DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

All right, everybody. That's a wrap. That wasn't so bad, huh?

Okay, go mingle with the guests. Put your happy faces on.

Donny, I need you to go meet Chase, Sam, and Erin in the coatroom

- to practice your dance, okay? - You mean Eric.

I don't give a shit.

Cheese.

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

ANNOUNCER: Welcome to Donny Drucker's bar mitzvah party.

Join us tonight as we celebrate a 13-year-old's journey into manhood.

Donny, Gary. So happy to be here.

I just wanna say tonight is gonna be an amazing night.

- Susie and I are so... - How big is it?

Big.

Gary's dick looks like a Brussels sprout.

[CHUCKLES] ...happy.

Look at her. Isn't she absolutely fucking gorgeous?

Tell you what.

You wanna take her for a spin tonight, be my guest.

And I ain't talking about my car, if you know what I mean.

I'm talking about Nancy. I'm telling you you can fuck my wife.

[LAUGHTER]

Nancy. You can fuck her. Boo-yah.

- You can fuck her tonight. - NANCY: Yeah.

But, seriously, please, fuck my wife.

CAMERAMAN: Excuse me. Do you wanna say anything for Donny?

Yeah. Sure.

Whenever you're ready.

Hey, Donny. I just wanna say... congrats.

Um, I'm so happy to be here. I know the party's gonna be amazing.

♪♪♪

So, uh, you-you're having a good time?

Well, I just got here, like, two minutes ago.

- But, yeah. - Okay. Yeah.

Well, um, you look very pretty.

Thanks.

GIRL'S VOICE: That's awesome.

- Wassup? - Wassup?

Boo-yah!

Ahh!

Hey, listen up, guys. I want you to meet some friends of mine.

This is Mr. and Mrs. Wang. They're in from out of town.

No shit. How do you do? I'm Gary.

- G-A-R-Y. - You didn't have to spell it.

Hi. This is my wife, Suse.

And a friend of Mitch's is a friend of ours. Right, Suse?

- [BELCHES] Hey, how you doing? - [GLASS SHATTERS]

- BOY: Ow! My glasses! - Tom Blumberg.

This is my wife, Nancy. Nice to meet you.

Konnichiwa.

- GARY: That's Tom and that's Nancy. - Hey, well, you guys mingle.

- Mmm. - [GLASS CHATTERS]

- MAN: Hey! - Daddy needs a refill.

I'm gonna come with you.

Honey, you haven't even started your drink...

- [GLASS SHATTERS] - BOY: Ow! My glasses!

- Bye, Suse. - Love you!

[LATIN DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

CHASE: Eric? Eric.

You still taking those weird dance classes?

First of all, it's not "dance classes." It's called "capoeira."

And second of all, the truth is if I wanted to,

I could probably kick your ass right now.

DONNY: Hey, guys, I've got something to tell you.

As of last night, Hannah and I are officially boyfriend and girlfriend.

Hannah?

Yeah.

Handjob Hannah?

Yes. That's... That's her.

You know she got finger blasted last week in class

while watching "Bill Nye the Science Guy"?

Yes. I know that. She's not what people make her seem like.

She's a really cool girl, you know. She's just misunderstood.

Yeah, we don't care. Just tell us when and how the hell this happened.

I don't really know. We started working together on a social studies project,

and I got to know her really well.

And then last night on AOL, I asked her to be my girlfriend.

And?

She said she knew she loved me before she met me.

- Whoa. - Yeah.

Dude, that's really creepy.

Anyway, you're gonna try to kiss her tonight or...

Of course I wanna kiss her, but, like, I don't wanna take things too quick.

Dude, Hannah is a whore. Kiss her?

No, man, you're gonna get a blow job tonight.

- Calm down. - No, man, he's right.

- You are gonna get your dick sucked, bro. - All right. All right. Stop. Okay?

But promise me, no matter what happens, anything, you cannot tell Sam.

- You know how he gets... - What's up, dipshits?

- Promise not to tell me what? - Nothing, bro. Just...

Did you fucking shit your pants again?

I didn't shit my pants again. How long are you gonna...

- Shut up. - I didn't shit my pants.

We ain't got time for this bullshit, okay?

And I hope you've been practicing the dance.

Let's take it from the top. Get in formation.

So, how does this compare to some of the other bar mitzvahs you've been to?

I mean, I like the balloons, but I think they could do more.

Actually, we've never been to a bar mitzvah. This is our first.

No fucking way!

GARY: What do you do in your free time? Community work? Cliff diving?

I mean, I can't believe you've never been to one of these parties before.

We're at these things almost every weekend, man.

You guys are in for the night of your lives.

- Night of your lives! - Isn't this a party for the kids?

Who gives a fuck about them?

Five shots of tequila all around.

Let's put a roofie in every single one of 'em

for our friends the Wangs.

Chop-chop.

Gary's son's party was just last weekend. What a beautiful evening.

Oh, my gosh. Thank you so much. I made the centerpieces out of poop.

That is the most shit-faced I've been all month. Tell 'em, Nance.

It's true. He was in a coma for the last five days.

I was pronounced legally dead at the hospital.

I know. I came to visit.

[LAUGHTER]

- Tom and I have a terrible marriage. - GARY: It's true.

TOM: Oh, perfect timing.

Ooh, what happens if we take the blue pill, Neo?

[LAUGHTER]

- Let's put Mr. Wang into a coma tonight. - GARY: Yeah!

Whoo!

[SNORTS]

Oh, yeah! That'll put some hair on your chest! Whoo!

I'll have an Apple Martini, please.

Dude, that is so fucking embarrassing.

- Are you listening to me right now? - Yeah.

So here's the thing. This girl finished sucking my dick, right?

It was incredible.

She had the tears in her eyes but not from crying.

Just from, like, trying really hard. You know what I mean?

So you would think that... that we're done, right? Over.

But you are not gonna fucking believe what happens next. Okay?

I'm like... mmm, ahhh. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah!

Maa, maa, maa, maa, maa. Yeah. Yeah. [GRUNTING]

[MUMBLING]

- Robert De Niro? I don't get this. - What the fuck are you talking about?

No. I opened up her butt cheeks, put my tongue in there,

and I ate her sweet little butthole. It was like a balloon knot.

You know we're in public, right?

Who gives a shit, man? I'm, like, giving out free information here.

It's like an STD clinic. Listen to me.

Here's the best part about the entire thing.

It tasted exactly like shit.

- No way. - Yes.

- Her butthole tasted like shit. - I know.

That's crazy. Did you check if she wiped?

No, David, I didn't check if she wiped

'cause I'm not a fucking pediatrician, okay?

Look, the quickest way into a woman's heart

is actually directly up her asshole.

Mm-hmm. That doesn't sound right.

What, you don't watch "Bill Nye"?

Fucking loser.

- What's up? - How you doing, Evan?

- [DEEP VOICE] Hey. - Hey.

- That's fucking Evan. - Dude, you know he's 13.

- Goddamn, he's fucking big. - I know.

- I went to his bar mitzvah last week. - Jesus Christ.

He's gonna die in, like, three fucking years if he doesn't stop growing.

- I hope so. He creeps me out. - Anyway, dude, listen to me.

Dude, we're gonna get you fucking laid tonight.

Yeah. I think you and I have very different types.

- What does that even mean? - I need to borrow him for a second.

- [SIGHS] Yo, we'll talk about this later. - Yo.

- [HIP-HOP PLAYING] - Single, single, double.

Single, single, double. One more time.

Single, single, double. And through.

Single, single, double.

Single, single, double.

Oh, stop. Stop. Stop!

- [MUSIC STOPS] - What the hell is going on?

- Listen. - What?

We appreciate the hustle, but we can't do this shit.

We're never gonna be able to learn this dance.

Yes, you can. You boys just need to put in more effort.

Dude, we've been at this for weeks.

We're gonna look like fucking idiots out there.

Dancing is in your blood. We're Jewish. Jews can't dance.

No matter how much we practice this shit, we're never gonna be able to do it.

We're Jewish.

We're Jewish.

We have small dicks.

Look, all of this means you just wanna give up?

- Mm-hmm. - Yeah.

That's ridiculous.

We're just Jewish. It's nothing against you.

- SAM: Yeah. - I have such a small dick.

Hey, boys. How's the dance going?

- Dance is looking awesome. - Great.

Mom. Mom, look, we're... we're not gonna be great. Okay?

Is there any way that we can just skip the dance?

- No, we cannot skip the dance. - But, Mom...

Are you seriously talking back to me right now?

Do you have any idea how much stress I am under tonight?

The dance is the last thing I need to be thinking about.

I threw this whole party for you, and this is the respect I get.

We're gonna look like idiots out there.

Well, you better not.

'Cause if you go out there looking like idiots, I will be so embarrassed.

Don't you dare embarrass me.

ERIC: Shit.

[GULPS]

Good luck on the dance, boys.

- Bye, Mrs. Drucker. - Bye, Sherryl. Nice talking to you.

- You're scary. - GERALD: Told you.

BOY'S VOICE: Cool.

What the fuck do you think you're doing?

Bubbie, this is David.

This is the David you've been telling me about.

Yeah.

David, your boyfriend.

This is my boyfriend, David.

What is this, some kind of joke?

You wanna give your Bubbie a heart attack?

No. What's wrong with David?

Oh...[SPEAKING YIDDISH]

I'm sorry your Bubbie has to be the one to tell you this, but...

your boyfriend is a faygella.

I have no idea what you just said.

I'm saying he likes to make sex with boys.

Are you saying David is gay?

Yes. He likes penis.

Bubbie, David is straight.

We are boyfriend and girlfriend in a heterosexual romance.

- Oh! - What about my Jason?

[FARTS]

Oh, fuck!

You told me that you would set up my grandson with your granddaughter.

Well, what can I do? She's in love with a homosexual.

- I want my teeth back. - Hey, hey, hey!

Okay. Wait. I have other options.

Come with me.

- [SPEAKING YIDDISH] - You.

What the fuck just happened?

My grandma. She's always trying to set me up with these weird-ass dudes,

so I was just trying to get her off my back.

Grandma's a big, fat cunt.

She's actually kind of amazing.

I mean, she deduced in 10 seconds what Bobby couldn't in 10 years.

- You still haven't told Bobby yet? - Okay. It's not that simple.

All right? If I tell him, it would just make things weird.

How would it make things weird?

Have you met Bobby before? It would make things weird.

Are you done crying? Are you gonna cry a little more?

'Cause my brother won't fuck you? Thanks.

Ssloo.

Mm. Fftt.

Oh. Um... Hey.

- Hey. - Mrs. Greenberg, how's it going?

Are you enjoying the evening?

Oh, Bobby, come on. How long have you known me?

Call me Susie.

Fftt. Right, Susie. Fair enough.

Suse. Suse?

- Susie. - Susie. Susie.

You just... You look, like, so much better

than I could have imagined you being able to look.

Uh, thank you.

And it's just something about, like...

Wa-wa. Like, it's just... It's there, you know.

Like, your body's just like, "Hi. I'm here." You know?

It's like... Women your age typically, I feel like...

I don't know. I think, like, shit just gets, like, a little fucked up sometimes.

You know. And things fall, and they soften,

and they droop, and they get sadder.

- Yeah. - But your body is happy

- and, like, more... You know? - Bobby.

- So you... - Bobby.

- You're not gross. - Bobby.

- Yeah. - Are you 18?

I'm 18 1/2.

All right then.

[BOTH MOANING]

BOBBY: Is that a fucking plunger?

SUSIE: Yeah. You got a problem with that?

BOBBY: I guess not.

SUSIE: And...

- BOBBY: Oh! What is that...[GRUNTING] - [SQUISHING]

- SUSIE: Yeah. - [BOBBY GROANING]

- SUSIE: You like that? - BOBBY: Yeah.

- You like that? - Yeah.

- Tell me you like it. - I like it.

SUSIE: Yeah, you do.

MAN'S VOICE: Mazel Tov.

We are fucked. We are all fucked.

Calm the fuck down. It's not a big deal. I'm, like, serious.

Not a big deal? Did you hear what she said?

My life... over, done.

What's the point of going over the dance? We can't dance.

Yes, you can.

[WHISPERING] You just don't know it yet.

[ECHOING] ...know it yet... know it yet.

We appreciate the support, but you're wrong.

We can't dance. We're Jew...

Jewish?

Oh, you got a small pee-pee?

Y'all got small pee-pees?

I know it's tough. Yeah, I got a small penis.

A really small penis. One girl, she thought it was ChapStick.

But it never went on her lips.

I have watched you guys grow up.

I know what you're capable of.

- You can do this dance. Donny. - What?

Remember when you shat yourself in class?

Yes, I do remember that. It wasn't my fault.

- I didn't know I was lactose intolerant. - It's okay. Shit happens.

I just want you to show everybody what it looked like

- when you walked out of class. - Why?

- Just show us what it looked like. - Fine.

It went something like this.

- [GRUNTING] - Yes.

Yes. Yes! Capowitz. You gave him a swirly in sixth grade.

- Show us what it looked like. - Don't, dick.

- Yes. - It went like...

Yes. Yes! Do you guys see what I'm talking about here? Do you see it?

Eric, get over here. Your father's abusive, right?

- Yeah! - Yeah, he is. All right, man.

Now, I want you to imagine that you're fighting him off. All right?

There it is. "Oh, no! Daddy, don't throw me into the dresser."

This is what I'm talking about, guys.

Are you seeing this? It's easy. You can do this.

[PAGER BEEPING]

All right, I'm getting beeped. I gotta get out of here.

But you guys are gonna be great, okay? What are you gonna do?

- Shit my pants. - What are you gonna do?

I'm gonna protect myself from my dad!

We're gonna talk about that later. What are you gonna do?

- I'm gonna slam Capowitz. - That's right.

You guys get out there and do your thing.

Wait. What about me?

Huh. You're not Jewish.

You've always known how to dance.

Oh, yeah. I'm not Jewish.

All right, let's do it. Come on. We're gonna practice. Come on.

ANNOUNCER: Live from B'nai Beth B'rith Moshe Shalom Kodesh

Avidus Sarrar Riivka Homus Synagogue in Franklin, Michigan, it's...

[CLEARING THROAT]

Earlier this evening, we greeted the stars.

Now it's time we celebrate them.

Ladies and gentlemen,

without further ado,

your host, Donny Drucker!

[APPLAUSE]

Hello, everyone. Uh...

I'd like to thank you all for making it out here tonight,

and I'd like to officially welcome you to the first ever Donny Awards.

[CHEERING]

They say that the older you become, the wiser you get.

And grandparents are amazing. We can all agree on that.

But who is the most amazing?

Nominees for Best Grandparent are...

Bubbie.

Grandma Stein.

Zadie. Come on. Give it up.

Or Pep Pep.

MAN: He looks great.

And the award goes to...

[DRUMROLL]

Grandma Stein.

[APPLAUSE]

Just start moving her. She'll wake up.

Honey, I need to go to the bathroom.

Right now? Can it wait?

It's kind of an emergency.

The turtle's starting to poke its head out of the shell.

Whatever. This is so typical.

GERALD: One more round of applause for Grandma.

- [APPLAUSE] - Yeah.

I'm the Best Grandma.

Oh, my.

I am so proud to see you up here becoming a man, watching you...

Okay, thank you, Grandma. You talk too much.

Hey, we gotta keep this show rolling.

Thank you, Grandma Stein. Thank you. Thank you.

We ain't got time for all of that. All right.

The next category...

is Favorite Cousin.

[APPLAUSE]

Oh. I'm so sorry. I didn't realize anybody else would be out here.

- I can leave. - No.

No. it's... it's fine.

- Are you sure? - Absolutely. It's fine.

- It's a beautiful night. - Yeah. Yeah. It sure is.

Have we met?

Really, Mitch?

Our children have been going to school together for quite some time.

I'm Hannah's mum.

Oh, right. Right.

Hannah's mom. Right. I'm-I'm sorry. I'm terrible with names.

- All right. That's fine. - Yeah.

Smoking during the ceremony. That's pretty bad of you.

Oh, yeah. Got me. Can you keep a secret?

Well, that depends. Can I join in?

Uh, yeah. Sure. Of course.

There.

Oh, I love it when a man rolls his own. It's so classy.

Oh. You want to, uh, take a shot at it yourself?

Absolutely. Thank you.

- Okay. There you go. - All right.

I wouldn't take a look at you and peg you as a smoker.

Well, there's a lot of things that you don't know about me, Mitch.

[ROMANTIC MUSIC]

Wow. [CHUCKLES]

Where did you learn to roll like that?

Let's just say I'm pretty good with my mouth.

All right. It's that time.

It's that time to get out your seats and get to the dance floor.

It's time to party. All right!

[HIP-HOP PLAYING]

MAN: ♪ Have you ever seen a man not afraid to die? ♪

♪ Gave his life for a dream ♪

♪ Born-hustler so the game conceived ♪

♪ A caged beast, but now I'm free ♪

♪ How can you blame me? I was born for this ♪

♪ The game chose me ♪

♪ Now I've been training for this my whole life ♪

♪ Carpe diem Seize the moment right ♪

♪ We gon turn up and rock plenty ice ♪

♪ This is hard time Yeah, I'm about that life ♪

♪ I'm a street dude Teach dudes to think quicker ♪

♪ Would take over the world, but, yo, I dream bigger ♪

♪ Never satisfied I'm trying to be richer ♪

♪ And pour out a little bit for those who ain't with us ♪

♪ Ready My whole clique since '06 ♪

♪ Was on the bottom Now we running this ♪

♪ Grind hard when the load gets heavy ♪

♪ The money was slow, but now it's ready ♪

♪ You boys is not ready ♪

♪ You boys don't want it with us, so stop lying ♪

♪ Show me a dude caring, I'll show you a boy dying ♪

♪ I ain't lying ♪

♪ We are self-built, self-made, self-sustained ♪

♪ Self-seekers, selfish Yo, I'm trying to get paid ♪

♪ Picture me on a stage ♪

♪ With 50,000 fans and a riot and a frenzy ♪

♪ Don't cross me, boy ♪

♪ We got a sick and twisted way of coming at you every day ♪

♪ Until you see it our way ♪

♪ I'm glad we can see eye to eye before somebody had to die ♪

♪ Please don't cry ♪

♪ It's occasionally necessary to push a dude over the ledge ♪

♪ So he can come to his head and know that he's not ready ♪

♪ My whole clique since '06 ♪

♪ Was on the bottom Now we running this ♪

♪ Grind hard when the load gets heavy ♪

♪ The money was slow, but now it's ready You boys is not ready ♪

Hey, Paul, can you get me one of those...

Dirty Detroit Appletini, shaken, not stirred,

hold the OJ, no ice, jizz on the brim?

Have I become that predictable?

- I like a man that sticks to his drink. - Ah. [CHUCKLES]

Oh, there we go. Wow.

BARTENDER: Thank you, sir.

[SLURPING] Mmm.

Amazing, as always.

And, uh, I detect you might have poured a little extra vodka in there this time.

That's quite the palate you have.

Well, I am an alcoholic.

No, seriously, it's a... it's a problem.

WOMAN: ♪ Is we fucking tonight? Is we fucking tonight? ♪

- Hey, Hannah. - Hey, Donny.

This party's awesome.

Yeah. Thanks.

♪ Is we fucking tonight? Is we fucking tonight? ♪

♪ Is we fucking tonight? ♪

Maybe you wanna dance.

Yeah. Sure.

♪ Is we fucking tonight? I'm ready for somebody ♪

♪ Is we fucking tonight? Is we fucking tonight? ♪

♪ Is we fucking tonight? ♪

♪ I'm ready for somebody Is we fucking tonight? ♪

- Hi, Mitch. - Oh, hey.

[LAUGHS] You remember my name?

Of course. Hannah's mom.

You enjoying the party?

Does porridge fuddle in a fortnight?

Uh, I don't...

Yes. Of course. I'm enjoying the party.

Oh, good. Good. Good.

Well, what about you? You seem a lot less stressed.

Yeah. Yeah. I think so.

I think I just need to get a couple of these things in me.

Right.

Hey, I noticed that Donny's out there dancing with Hannah.

She's such a sweet girl.

Yeah, she seems very nice. She's pretty, too.

She is. You know, she just got her period.

Oh, cool.

- Oh, it's such a mess. - Yeah.

So, Mitch, do you have a cellphone? I'd love to give you my number, you know,

just in case the children decide they fancy each other

and we can have a playdate.

Oh, yeah. Of course I've got a cellphone.

[CELLPHONE BEEPING]

Call me.

AUTOMATED MESSAGE: If you'd like to make a call,

please hang up and try again.

If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator.

Call me.

You call me.

Um...

Uh, how? I mean, you... you've got my phone.

♪ Is we fucking tonight? ♪

- Come here, Donny. - Dude, what the fuck are you doing?

There's two sides right there. We can share, buddy.

No, we can't. Dude, get off.

I'm touching your dick right now. I can literally feel your balls.

- That's you? - Yes.

Boys. I have to go to the bathroom.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

[SNARLING]

Holy shit, Sam.

Why do you always have to be an asshole?

[EXHALES]

Oh, my God.

- Gerald, can I talk to you for a second? - Yeah. What's up, Aiymah?

Look, uh, I knew the day would come eventually

where I would have to tell you the truth.

Baby, listen. I was not lying.

A lot of girls like the Cleveland Steamers,

- and I didn't mean to ruin your blanket. - Gerald, I'm not talking about that.

And you know I was feeling that.

Look, my name is not Aiymah.

I'm not who you think I am, okay? I'm actually...

I'm an agent working deep undercover.

I've worked with you for years, Aiymah.

I'm pretty sure I would know

if you was anything other than a fine-ass, sexy-ass,

thick-ass, good-looking-ass, fly-ass sexy dancer.

Look, my name is Danny Trejo, and I work for the U.S. government.

The fuck are you talking about? Your name is not Danny Trejo.

Your name is Aiymah Agent, and you are not an agent.

Think about it.

WOMAN'S VOICE: Danny Trejo.

Maybe this will clear it up.

What the hell is going on here?

I told you I was undercover.

No. But we... we did... Oh, my God.

There's no time for that now. I have reason to believe

there's a party pooper at this party, and nobody likes a party pooper.

Everybody at this party is in danger.

I need your help.

- Why me? - Isn't it obvious?

I know you're ex-military. I could really use your skills.

- [SIGHS] - [BREASTS BUBBLING]

Okay, unless I get to punch my mom in the face at the end of this line,

- I don't wanna be here. - Honestly, wax dips are really good

at exfoliating hands and moisturizing your cuticles.

Okay, can I give you a little piece of advice?

You should never fucking say that again.

Oh, wax hands? Hell, yeah, dude. I'm cutting in. Look out.

Whoops. Excuse me. Pardon me.

Yeah, so, uh, you figure out who you're banging yet or what?

- And I'm out of here. - No. Not yet. Fuck is her problem?

Dude, I know the secret you've been hiding from me.

What are you talking about?

Look, I've known for a while, and, honestly,

like, if I'm being honest with you, it's pretty fucked up.

Okay. I've been wanting to tell you for a while.

Save it, man. Save it, okay? I know you're trying to hook up with Michelle.

- What? - Don't even try it with me right now.

I'm being dead serious, okay? You're supposed to be my best friend.

And Michelle is... She's like a sister to me, man.

She is your literal sister.

Exactly.

Dude, I'm not trying to hook up with Michelle.

Don't fucking lie to me, man. She's the only girl you talk to ever.

Okay? So either you're trying to hook up with her

or you're fucking gay or something.

Okay, well, I guess you were gonna find out either way.

I am...

into your sister.

I knew it, man. Fuck you, dude.

- Okay, what, you're mad? - Yeah, I'm mad at you, okay?

I'm mad because you lied to me. I don't like being lied to.

Don't lie to me.

Okay. I promise I'll never lie to you again.

- Okay. - All right.

Okay. I can't even stay mad at you. Come on.

And in terms of Michelle, dude, you have my blessing. It's all good.

As long as you treat her with dignity and respect. Okay?

I promise I won't even touch her.

Okay. And a little pro tip for you.

Next time you're out on the dance floor over there,

take a finger... [WHISTLES] ...up the butt. Just grazing the surface of it.

She's gonna go crazy. All right? Girls love that.

She's your sister.

MAN'S VOICE: Nice.

♪♪♪

Dude, what's your deal, man? Why are you acting so weird?

We always double-team bitches. Plus, Hannah is a total slut.

Don't call her that, okay?

What else should I call her? You know she got finger blasted watching "Bill Nye"?

Just don't dance with her.

- And why not? - Because.

Oh, does baby Donny fucking "wike" her?

No, dude, I don't like her, dude. I don't like her.

She's just, um... She's just... She's got herpes.

[RETCHING]

- Oh, makes sense. - Don't tell anyone, all right?

- Oh, don't worry. - Yeah.

- I won't tell a soul. - Yeah.

No. All right. Yeah.

- Love you. - All right. Go get it out there, man.

Fuck, dude. Oh, my God.

[DOOR OPENS]

Oh, perfect.

Oh, this is the last of 'em.

Well, about damn time the party giveaways arrived.

Open them for me. There should be hats and trophies.

Hoo.

Okay, just do this, all right? I don't have time, okay?

Okay.

Mm.

Mrs. Drucker, I have bad news about the giveaways.

What?

Well, you wanted gold statues, and they are not gold.

They are a shiny purple.

Okay, well, that's upsetting and unfortunate,

but, you know, I'll manage.

Yes, but also the, uh, material, they're not made of metal.

It's actually more of, like, a, uh... a rubberish.

Well, that's strange.

I mean, look, as long as they're functional, I'm sure it's fine, you know.

The kids are young. They're not gonna really care what I give them.

Yeah, but, you know, I think when it was being transported,

- the heat... - Mm-hmm.

...must have affected the structural, um, foundation

of the rubber.

And also, there's, like... They're attached to the hats.

Okay, just shut up and show me the damn things.

Whoa.

What the fuck is this?

They look...

good.

Oh, my fucking God.

Corsa. Love your dress.

It's purple.

- Yes. - So pretty.

VALET MIKE: Purple is theme of the night.

SHERRYL: Love purple.

Have a good one. Um, we'll see you next weekend.

Thanks. Bye.

- VALET MIKE: Arriverdec. - [DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]

- Hide these. - They're gigantic.

Figure it the fuck out.

[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]

MAN: ♪ We got the time The evening is fine ♪

♪ And so are you ♪

Can I get another one of these?

I love you. God hope...

God hopes that you end up looking like me.

[CHUCKLES] Because, trust me,

there's a lot of men who wanna fuck me.

Hey, gang, you know what would be a swell, swell idea?

Is if we finish our drinks over a game of "Never Have I Ever."

Oh, that's fab. I Iove that idea.

I'll start. Um, all right. Let's see.

Never have I ever had an affair.

Well, Nancy and I aren't staying sober for this game.

[LAUGHTER]

Me next. Okay. Um, never have I ever...

eaten out a girl before.

Well, that's not really fair to the guys, hon.

Okay, fine. Um, if you're a guy, never have I ever blown a guy.

It's still not fair.

Mrs. Wang. Mrs. Wang, you scoundrel.

Honey, are you serious? When did this happen?

- I was drunk and in high school. - MR. WANG: Keep it in high school.

NANCY: Mr. Wang, it's your turn.

Okay. Um...

Never have I ever...

had sauerkraut.

[SLURPING]

- [GLASS SHATTERS] - BOY: Ow! My glasses.

Fucking wild. That's not how you play. Mrs. Wang, you're next.

Oh, okay. Um, never have I ever...

done anal.

Are you serious? You've never done anal?

Oh! It is the... It is the best. It's amazing. Tell 'em, Nance.

I hate it.

It's incredible.

Oh, my God. I love this game. Who's next? Gary?

Never have I ever watched my brother masturbate.

- Oh. - Shit.

MAN'S VOICE: Rad.

You're really a soft touch.

- Hey, Bobby. - Hey, sweetie.

- Listen. I got to ask you something. - Yeah.

It might be kind of a stupid question.

But back there, um, you used a condom, right?

Uh, yeah, that is a stupid question.

Okay. Good. All right.

It's a load off my mind.

Look, I cannot stop thinking about you.

You and I did stuff that, like, I haven't even seen in the weirdest porn.

You, like, put a plunger into my butthole, so...

- I was like... - Awesome.

Yeah. I did do that.

So I think we should probably just clarify that that was a onetime thing.

You know? Just, uh, one-and-done kind of thing.

- Yeah, I think I'm in love with you. - Oh. Okay.

Here's the thing.

Um, I am a mature woman, Bobby, and you are a child.

- A man. - Child.

- I'm a man. - Okay.

I'm an adult man, and I can handle anything you throw my way.

- I see. - You know?

- Okay. - Are we done?

Oh, my God.

Do you wanna dance later?

- I don't. - Okay.

But I'm gonna go over there anyway. You can stay here.

- I'll get you for one of the slow dances. - Don't.

Um...[LAUGHS]

Never have I ever put a Denver omelet up my ass.

Goddamn it.

Okay, have you guys seen Mitch anywhere?

I have been looking all over for him.

GARY: No, I haven't seen him.

Well, this is just great. I can't find my husband.

Gerald's nowhere to be found. Everything's a fucking mess.

Relax, Sherryl. Everyone's having a good time.

TOM: Yeah!

No. Snowball was supposed to start 30 minutes ago.

Okay, does anyone have a cellphone I can use? I need to call him.

Okay.

- [SLURPING] - Useless piece of shit.

[CELLPHONE RINGTONE PLAYING]

Oh, I love this song!

[HUMMING ALONG TO RINGTONE]

Oh!

[HUMMING CONTINUES]

[BELCHES]

[LIQUID GUSHING]

[FARTS] Ooh!

Oh, look. I found Mitch's phone.

- [CELLPHONE BUZZING] - GARY: Oh!

- Oh, it's right here. - Here it is.

Of course. Only Mitch would be stupid enough to leave it under a plate.

Who does that? Get it together, Sherryl.

All right, all you beautiful people out there.

Let's cool it down here with my favorite part of the night.

A Snowball dance.

WOMAN: ♪ Can you make me go ooh, ooh, ooh, ahh? ♪

♪ Do you think you can touch me in my hot spot? ♪

♪ I wanna know do you wanna spend the night ♪

♪ So we can make love on the floor ♪

♪ Yes, with you all night ♪

Sorry your parents are getting a divorce.

Yeah. I finally convinced them.

God, you're so lucky.

I mean, I wish my parents would just get divorced already.

Why? They look really happy.

Yeah, that's just my mom's Botox.

My parents haven't even as little as, like, held hands in a decade.

Oh, that sucks.

I mean, your dad's really hot. I would hold his hand.

That's really fucking gross, man.

Oh, what the fuck?

Jesus Christ. What the fuck is he doing?

You know Bobby. I have no idea.

- Hey. Bobby. - Yeah.

- We need to talk. - Hey.

Holy shit. Your tits are huge.

- Aren't they? - Yeah.

Yeah. Because I'm pregnant.

Hey. Wow. Very cool. Mazel. Mazel.

- No. - That's cool.

Mazel... No. You're the father, Bobby.

[LAUGHS]

Ah, de-de-de. Come here.

- What the fuck? - What are you doing?

Bobby, how did this happen? You told me you used a condom.

- Uh, no, I didn't. - Uh, yeah, you did.

I said, "Did you use a condom?"

and you said that was a stupid question.

Yeah, because that is a stupid question. A condom? What, am I 11?

Wow. Do you have any idea what you've done?

Yeah. I fucked a kid into your stomach.

This is... This is incredible.

Okay, look, I've always wanted to be a dad.

Okay? So, like, this is cool with me, you know.

And, plus, I've always wanted to have a son named Squirtle.

Wow. That is the dumbest thing I've ever heard in my life.

You're not gonna have any part of this child's life. Okay?

Whoa, whoa. Hey, wait. What are you talking about?

I'm gonna be a great dad. I'm gonna be a great dad.

- No. Absolutely not. No, no, no. - Fuck. Susie. Susie.

Squirtle.

- [RATTLING] - [BABY COOS]

Slow dancing is so awkward.

Yeah.

It's like... What are we even supposed to talk about?

I don't know.

So, um, how are you doing in school this year?

I don't know. Fine, I guess. Why?

I don't know. I was just wondering.

How do you like this song? Sugar tits.

- What did you just say? - I'm so sorry. No, no. I just... I just...

Did you just call me sugar tits?

Maybe. Maybe. But I really don't remember what I said.

- It wasn't anything like... - Donny.

My dad used to call me that.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls,

it's time to get funky!

[FUNK PLAYING]

Wait. Don't... Don't you wanna stay and dance?

Not to this. Go tell them to change it back to good music.

Yeah.

♪♪♪

Let's go dance.

No.

- Whoo! - What's going on?

Uh-uh.

Mom. Mom.

Can we change the music back to my music?

What? Donny. You've had your music on the whole night.

Us adults need to celebrate your party, too.

I suggest you walk away and find your friends.

Okay, but, look, I don't even know where they went. Okay?

And this is my party, and I haven't even gotten to, like...

Okay, this conversation is over.

Thank you.

- Whoo! - Whoo!

Great party, too.

Ohh!

What a bunch of hypocrites.

Oh. And why are they hypocrites?

They spend their whole lives telling us to grow up.

How are we supposed to know how to grow up when they act like this?

Is this what being an adult is like? Acting like a drunken child?

You are just a ray of sunshine, aren't you?

Yeah.

[LAUGHS] Okay.

Since when do you smoke?

Since I found out my dad does.

Your dad smokes? Oh, my God. That's so fucking hot.

- Yeah. Yeah he smokes. - Oh, my God.

And it's not hot. My dad is not hot.

He's a degenerate, Appletini-drinking narcissist.

He drinks Appletinis?

Yes. I mean, I'm sure he needs it to put up with my bitch of a mother.

Michelle, it's always a pleasure talking to you.

Just kidding. You're a bitch. But, uh, if you don't mind,

I'm going to actually try and enjoy my evening.

Uh, so excuse me.

- [GLASS SHATTERS] - BOY: Ow! My glasses!

Can I trust you?

No.

Fine.

Holy shit.

So, who is this Party Pooper?

Well, he goes by the name of Vaal Dh'o.

Vaal Dh'o?

I thought he was a myth.

No. The story goes he was a foreign exchange student from Russia.

At 13, he was invited to his first big party,

and nobody knows why or how it happened.

But halfway through the night, he shit his pants.

- No! - Yeah.

Three people died that night,

and he hasn't been invited to a bar mitzvah since.

So now he spends his days taking vengeance

on all the parties he wasn't able to enjoy by being a party pooper.

What a monster.

You gotta help me find him.

He's already shat at two bar mitzvahs this month.

Now you know how serious this is.

Okay. Okay.

So, do we have any idea what this man looks like?

Any other leads?

Unfortunately, he's a master of blending in,

so it's hard to locate him, but we know he has poor vision and a bad knee.

Poor vision. Bad knee.

Yeah.

Hold on a sec.

Wait.

[PHONE BEEPING]

[LINE RINGING]

MAN: Suicide prevention. Please hold.

Hoo-ah!

[HORN HONKS]

♪♪♪

[HORN HONKS, DOG BARKS]

DADDY: No sandwiches when I get home. I want a hot meal!

- KAREN: Ouch! You're hurting me! - Shut up, Karen!

- Daddy, stop! - I said shut up!

- You're hurting me! - I said shut the fuck up!

[GUNSHOT]

[BEEPING]

Prick it. Pull it. Fuck it.

Oh, my God, Gerald. You're actually doing it.

AUTOMATED MALE VOICE: You've got mail.

[MOANING]

[ROARING]

Holy shit, Gerald. You did it. This is our guy.

Well, what now?

It's time we get Vaal Dh'o.

♪♪♪

[SNORTING]

[SNORTS]

Bobby, please, okay? I really need your help.

All right? We need to find a way to change the music back to my music.

Donny, I can't deal with this shit right now.

I'm serious. All right? So just go bother Michelle or something.

Please. Yeah?

- All right. Yeah. Yeah. - Please. Thank you.

Bobby, what are you doing at my table?

Susie. Hey. How you doing? Uh, I gotta talk to you.

No. We have nothing to talk about.

- I wanna be Squirtle's dad. - Oh, my God.

I do. I wanna raise him as my own. He's our son.

That deejay is a talent. Oh, my God. He's a gift from the heavens.

So, uh, what are you two people talking about over here?

Nothing. Bobby was just leaving.

Oh, come on, I just got here. Bobby, don't go.

Yeah, Susie, why is Bobby leaving? Huh?

I mean, I think that I should be able to stay here and hang out with Gary.

- Don't you? - Yeah, Suse, I agree.

I think I should make the choice myself.

Yeah. Well, you know, what I think is best for Gary

is if you weren't here 'cause you don't know the first thing about Gary.

Okay, yeah, well, be that as it may, I mean, I can still learn, couldn't I?

- Just kind of like you did. - Yeah. I learned.

After many, many sleepless nights because Gary is up all night crying.

Suse, I wasn't... I guess I was crying.

Look, do you know how many fucking diapers Gary goes through in one day?

Suse, that is private. That is off-limits.

By the way, Bobby, I'm down to five.

Consider this a favor, okay? Nobody wants a Gary.

All right? There's nothing fun about Gary.

I like to clean out the tub.

Well, look, if you hate Gary so much,

then maybe you should just get rid of him, right?

Yeah, I would if I could. I think it's a little too late now.

I don't think so.

All right. What the heckity heck heck heck heck heck hell is going on here?

Gary, I'm pregnant.

What?

It's a baby, Gary.

A baby? That's what that is. Pregnant?

Oh, my God. This is... I'm numb, yet I'm... yet I'm so full of life.

I'm over the moon, yet I'm under the stars.

Look, uh, congratulations, you guys.

- GARY: Thank you so much. - I am so, so happy

for the thing that you guys did together.

Alone. Just the two of you.

Yeah. Congrats, guys. I'll see you out there.

[SNIFFLES] We'll see you out there.

Honey, this is amazing. I mean...

It's a miracle. I don't think we've had sex in years.

ERIC: Dude, dude, check it out.

- Ooh! - So hot.

Holy shit.

- That was really fucking hot. - CHASE: Hell, yeah.

Okay. Um...

- GIRL: I think it's called a dyke. - Capowitz.

Truth or dare.

Um, truth.

Pussy.

Oh, my God.

Okay. Is it true that you've got a big dick?

Wait. What?

Rumor is you have a big dick. Is it true?

I don't know. I... I guess so.

SAM: You're a liar, Capowitz.

Wait. What?

- [CHANTING] Show us your dick! - Show us your dick!

Show us your dick!

Show us your dick!

Show us your dick!

Show us your dick!

I'm not showing you all my dick. I'm out of here.

- Aw! - Pussy!

SAM: Oh, shit!

Oh, what are you, some sort of monster?

That's gotta be at least three and a half inches.

Geez. Pull your pants up.

TOM: Oh ho ho ho!

Oh, yes!

Yes!

Let's fucking do it!

What's that? What do I have to do?

You have to do a beer bong up your ass.

MAN: Yeah!

Yeah, baby. It is amazing.

Trust me. You will get totally messed up, guaranteed.

What, are you crazy? I'm not doing that.

I know it might seem weird for a person from your country,

but it's very common practice here in America.

I am an American. I'm from Jersey. This is not common practice.

Come on. Don't be such a stiff.

Get off of me. Who the hell made this stupid game?

Uh, I did. [SNIFFS]

You know what? I tried.

I tried really hard to go along with the night,

but you people are sick in the head.

Drinking beer through your ass? Seriously?

This isn't a party. This is a whorehouse.

[EXHALES] My wife and I will be leaving now. Come on, honey. Let's go.

- I'll do it. - What?

I'll boof the beer.

All right! Step right on over!

Okay, I need your...

- Now, you may feel a slight pinch. - Okay.

Oh!

[DISTORTED] Oh!

[SNEEZES, FARTS]

[LIQUID FLOWING]

[SIGHS]

Wow.

Mazel Tov.

[CHEERING]

Mrs. Wang, you're a fucking legend.

Who's next?

Ohhh!

"Tell your kid he's adopted."

Yes, Gary. That one's for you, bro.

- I can't wait. - Where's Sam?

Sammy.

Ooh. Ooh.

All right. Let's get this over with.

GIRL: I heard she has pubes.

Okay, look, I can't do this. I'm gonna pass.

You pass, you leave. We all have to play by the same rules, Sam.

I'm not gonna do this, okay? It's not fair, in my point of view.

You know why? 'Cause we all know Hannah has herpes.

And that means if I kiss her, I'm gonna have herpes,

and I'm gonna die, okay? Kick the bucket.

I don't have herpes.

Stop lying. We all know you do, man.

Hey, Donny. Yo, my boy. Hannah has herpes, right?

What?

You said Hannah has herpes and I shouldn't dance with her.

What the fuck? Why are you telling people I have herpes?

Um, I can explain. I did tell Sam that you have herpes,

but that's just because I didn't want him to dance with you.

- What the hell is your problem? - Um, that came out wrong.

I just... I wasn't ready to tell Sam that you and I are, you know,

boyfriend and girlfriend, so I just said the first thing that came to my head

- so he wouldn't dance with you. - What are you talking about?

We are not boyfriend and girlfriend.

What, are... are you breaking up with me?

No. We were never boyfriend, girlfriend. Are you crazy?

But last night on AOL, you said you'd be my girlfriend.

No, I didn't. That never happened.

You said "I knew I loved you before I met you."

Donny, that's my "away" message.

What?

You know. The automatic response when I'm away from my computer.

I know what an "away" message is.

And by the way, that's a weird "away" message to have.

It's a song...

by Savage Garden.

- Ooh! - Ooh!

So, you, uh, don't wanna be my girlfriend?

SAM: Ooh!

Be your girlfriend?

You told everyone I have herpes. You can go fuck yourself.

Oh, Donny, come on.

It was a mistake. I said I'm sorry.

I don't care if you're sorry. You're an asshole.

I would never go out with you in a million years.

- Ohh! - Ooh!

Okay, yeah, well, at least I didn't get finger blasted

watching "Bill Nye the Science Guy."

- Ohh! - Ohh!

Hello! Hello!

- Ooh! - Shit!

- What the fuck? - Fuck you, Donny.

Ooh.

[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]

BOY: Dude, he's got a boner.

So, um...

I-I-I don't really know what to say here.

Does she or doesn't...

Oh, fuck.

[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]

Yo, I think I just found the giveaways.

Hey, yo, bro, maybe we shouldn't touch those.

What is it?

Really? You don't know what it is.

- It's a head sword. - Really?

I wanna get one of these. Everybody get one.

This is awesome.

Nice.

My mom has a bunch of these at home.

[CHUCKLES]

Damn, I don't see him anywhere. You sure he's here?

AIYMAH: Positive. We have to keep looking.

Okay.

[SQUISHING]

Still warm.

He's close.

BOY: Dad?

- Hey, Mr. Drucker. - Oh, Je... Oh!

[CHUCKLES] Jesus, David. You scared the shit out of me.

I'm sorry. [CHUCKLES]

- [SIGHS] - I'm sorry.

That's okay. What are you doing out here?

You know. Just getting some fresh air.

Yeah. Me, too.

Hey, that was quite a scene in there on the dance floor, huh?

You got some serious moves, young man.

You're not half bad yourself.

Thanks. You know how it is.

Yes, I do.

Well, wha-what the hell are you doing?

I think you know exactly what I'm doing.

Whoa! Ho! Whoa! David! David, are you serious right now?

It's okay. Nobody's watching.

Wait a minute. Are you... Are you...

Gay? Yeah. And so are you.

What?

[STAMMERS] No. No, I'm not gay.

Mitch, I know that you're hiding because I'm hiding, too. Okay?

Your body language. The distance from Sherryl.

The Appletinis. That all points to one thing.

Appletinis are delicious.

Okay, straight men don't know all the lyrics

and dance to "It's Raining Men" like you do.

Hey, that's enough. This conversation is over.

You are clearly out of your mind and cannot be reasoned with right now.

- We are done here. - Mitch, wait.

I said this conversation is over.

I'll eat your ass.

Make it quick.

ON CAR RADIO: ♪ You're not my dad No, you're not my dad ♪

♪ You're not my dad You're just a stranger ♪

What are you doing out here, Donny?

- ♪ You're not my dad ♪ - Nothing.

[MUSIC STOPS]

[BOTTLES CLINKING]

Jesus.

[EXHALES] You all right, man?

I'm fine.

All right. You don't have to talk.

[SIGHS] We can just chill, man.

Just chill here and not talk.

I am gonna light this here joint if you don't mind.

Fuck this party, man, and fuck my life.

- Whoa, dude. - No, I'm serious, okay?

Why am I crying at my own party?

Everyone else is in there having a great time but me.

Why should they be having fun? This is my party, not theirs.

This is my party. It's not fair.

I'm gonna let you in on a little secret, Donny.

This party, it's not for you, man.

I mean, I know it's your party,

but this party isn't for you.

You know?

I mean, you're 13 years old, dude.

The top-shelf vodka, not for you.

The caviar hors d'oeuvres, not for you.

You see the trend here?

Look, these parties, man...

these parties are nothing more than an opportunity for parents

to spend a ridiculous amount of cash on over-the top shit

for a party that they wanna throw.

And you wanna know why? Because in any other situation,

your parents would look like complete jackasses

tossing all this cash around.

Except tonight, it's all justified because it's all for Donny.

If Valet Mike was Donny... [BLOWING SMOKE]...

I would march right back in there

and try to have the best night of my damn life,

because at the end of the day, none of this shit fucking matters, man.

Valet Mike laying down those thoughts.

You ever smoke weed, Donny?

Huh? No. Why?

Okay, 'cause you're about to. Try it.

Whoa. Whoa, man. I can't, okay? If my mom found out, she'll kill me.

Uh, yeah. No, yeah, you're definitely right about that.

But sometimes you have to make decisions that are best for yourself by yourself.

You know? You can't be sitting in your mom's prison cell all day long.

I... I don't know, man. It's kind of...

I... I... No, I don't wanna put...

I don't wanna put pressure on you or anything.

I just... You know. I think it would calm you down.

And based off what I'm hearing, your night can only get better.

Am I right?

- Hey. - Hey. Um...

I'm sorry. I'll, uh...

I'll go this way.

Bobby, wait.

I hate to see you like this.

It's... pathetic.

Look, why do you wanna be a dad so badly?

I don't know. Um, 'cause everyone just thinks I'm a fuck-up.

And I guess I thought that if I had this kid

and, you know, I was, like... like, a good dad

that it could be the first thing I do right.

But here's the thing, Bobby. You... You are a fuck-up.

You know? Completely and entirely.

But you know what?

I know that one day in the future,

you are gonna meet a really nice slutty girl,

and you are gonna knock her up,

and I know that you're gonna be one hell of a terrible father

until Child Services arrives.

Thank you, Susie. I... I mean, I really appreciate you saying that.

Well, I really mean it.

So, uh, you wanna touch the baby?

- Shut up. Really? - Yeah.

- Really? - Go ahead.

Okay.

Oh. No, that's, uh...

that's not where the baby is.

Okay.

- Okay. - It's all right.

Dude, I can't believe she slapped you.

Is it true that she gave a blow job during "Bill Nye"?

Nah. She just, uh... She just got finger blasted.

- Oh, that's classic. - Yeah.

Man, how high are you right now?

What?

Nah. She just, uh... She just got finger blasted.

Nice.

I hate my family.

You can't always love 'em.

I mean, I... I never love 'em.

My family is so fucked up.

Dude, every family is fucked up.

That's what makes a family a family.

And the sooner you accept the fucked-upness of your family,

that's when you actually are a family.

Do you understand? Does that make sense?

Kinda.

Okay, good, 'cause I'm... I'm super high right now, so I don't...

You know. Sentences.

Yeah.

How am I supposed to deal with my family?

I... [SCOFFS] ...I don't know, dude.

I'm... I'm Valet Mike. I'm not...

I'm not withholding all the answers.

If I had all the answers, I'll be... I'll be Dr. Mike.

- Dude, President Mike. Oh, my... - President Mike.

There you are! Where the hell have you been? I've been looking all over for you.

I don't know. I've just been chilling here. Why? What's up?

We're all about to do the dance. Yeah. Everyone's waiting.

Dance? I can't dance right now. I'm way too high.

I can't believe you smoked. What the hell were you thinking?

You know what? You know what? You know what? I can take care of this.

A couple gulps of this bad boy, and you'll get moving, baby.

What is it?

Tradition.

It's time to become a man.

- Achoo! - Gesundheit.

♪♪♪

DJ DeWeezy, play my favorite song.

- Gotcha. - Yeah.

MAN: Hey, yo, what it is?

DONNY: All right, boys. All right, you guys ready for this dance or what?

- Come on. - CHASE: This isn't our song.

Just trust me. Just go with it.

Big fat asses and them big brown titties with them pepperoni nipples.

♪ I got bitches all on my dick every day ♪

♪ Suckin' on my balls ♪

♪ Lickin' on my balls ♪

♪ Bitches, they know ♪

♪ Stick it in that bootyhole ♪

♪ My balls, my balls ♪

♪ Suck on my balls ♪

♪ All up in that asshole ♪

♪ Let me hit that booty raw ♪

♪ Lickin' the dick, suckin' the balls, swallow it all ♪

♪ Beatin' down your pussy wall to the ground ♪

AIYMAH: Gerald, I found Vaal Dh´o on the dance floor at your 11:00.

- Check the picture to see if it's him. - Okay.

Yep. It's him.

Vaal Dh´o.

Freeze, motherfucker!

You are the mother that fucks!

BOBBY: Oh, shit!

- Are you okay? - Oh! My water just broke.

BOY: Ow! My glasses!

♪ We can save goodbye for tomorrow, mm ♪

Great party, man. This has been... Oh, the dancing's been great.

You know, you're a kid. You're just a little kid.

And, um, now you're all grown up.

- Where's Vaal Dh´o? - I lost him.

Well, we're never gonna find him in this chaos.

I got an idea.

Everybody freeze!

- Okay, is that... No. - I don't see him anywhere.

AIYMAH: What about... Oh, shit.

GERALD: Where the fuck did he go? He was standing right there a minute ago.

- AIYMAH: Is that him? - What? No. He don't look like that.

AIYMAH: Okay, what about... No.

GERALD: There he is.

- [RATTLING] - [GUESTS SCREAMING]

- Gerald, what the hell are you doing? - I can explain.

Do you have any idea how much this cost?

- I can explain. - You have ruined my party.

[RATTLING]

Everything is ruined.

[GUESTS YELLING]

[SOBBING]

Oh, fuck.

Whoa. I mean, that was something. Am I right?

That's what we call some high-quality entertainment.

What the hell are you doing?

Ladies and gentlemen,

please put your hands together for Gerald!

He has been working for months on this performance.

Clap, motherfuckers.

Yes!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Bravo!

Mommy. Mommy.

Mommy, wake up.

Thank you.

Get your ass off the ground.

[GRUNTING]

WOMAN'S VOICE: Danny Trejo.

You didn't really think you were gonna get away with this, did you?

Danny Trejo. But how?

You're not the only one that can hide.

And now I finally got you, you party-pooping son of a bitch.

What the hell is going on here?

Danny Trejo, ma'am. Professional actor. Everything's under control.

What?

Please, you do not understand.

All I ever wanted to do was dance at party.

But instead, I make mistake.

I poop in pants.

[GUESTS GASP]

So demeaning.

I did not know...

I did not know I was lactose intolerant.

...lactose intolerant.

All I ever wanted to do...

was dance at party.

I didn't know I was lactose intolerant.

Donny, what is wrong with you?

Man juice, Mom. It's okay.

Let him stay.

But, Donny, you don't understand.

He stays.

SHERRYL: Okay.

He can stay.

[HANDCUFFS CLICK]

Thank you, Donny.

I love you, Donny.

I love you like man loves boy.

I... I'll go.

- Yeah. - I'll go. Okay, thank you.

- There's drinks in the back. Yeah. Sure. - Thank you.

All right. I know it's late, and it's been one hell of a night,

but this party ain't over just yet.

We got one more song for y'all. Deejay, spin that track!

Say no more.

- Oh, get in there. - [SLURPING]

You tell me what I had for supper.

You tell me what I... Oh!

- [SLURPING] - Oh! I'm gonna c...

"Come on Eileen"?

- ♪ Come on Eileen ♪ - No fucking way!

"Come on Eileen."

Oh, my... Fuck!

- Let's go! - Yeah!

♪ Poor old Johnny Ray ♪

♪ Sounded sad upon the radio ♪

♪ Moved a million hearts in mono ♪

♪ Our mothers cried ♪

Ohh! He is really in there. Okay.

I'm so glad you're here.

I'll always be here.

- I get it. Yeah. Go. - Okay.

Have fun. I got this.

I don't know what that does. I'll just take this.

♪ Come on Eileen ♪

Let's go. Let's go.

Oh. Did you play trumpet?

"Come on Eileen."

Wait for me!

[BODY THUDS]

♪ Come on Eileen ♪

Come on, man. Don't be so hard on yourself.

Some people just aren't cut out for these type of parties.

I guess you're just one of those type of people.

Here comes Gary!

Whoo!

♪ These people round here ♪

♪ Wear beatdown eyes sunk in smoke-dried face ♪

♪ So resigned to what their fate is ♪

♪ But not us, no never ♪

♪ No, not us, no never ♪

♪ We are far too young and clever ♪

♪ Toora loora ♪

♪ Toora loo rye ay ♪

♪ Eileen, I'll hum this tune forever ♪

♪ Come on Eileen ♪

♪ Oh, I swear what he means ♪

♪ Ah, come on Let's take off everything ♪

♪ Pretty red dress Eileen, tell him yes ♪

- ♪ Ah, come on, let's ♪ - [SQUISHY FARTS]

♪ Ah, come on, Eileen ♪

Use this?

Here we go. And...

Goddamn it.

I love this song.

[BABY CRYING]

♪ Come on Let's take off everything ♪

♪ Come on Eileen Oh, I swear what he means ♪

♪ Ah, come on Let's take off everything ♪

Hey, Sherryl. Hey, Mitch.

I am so sorry for being such a sourpuss,

but can I just say that cumming on Eileen was just so much fun.

I mean, who would've thought?

Mazel Tov. Mazel Tov.

- Mazel Tov. - Thank you.

[RATTLING]

Bobby? Do you wanna meet your son?

Squirtle.

More than anything.

[SQUIRTLE COOING]

- Oh, my God. - What?

- Susie. - Yeah.

He looks just like me.

Ha ha. I see you've met our son.

Hey. Yeah, I think he looks a lot like his father.

Oh, he sure does. He sure does.

Okay, well, you guys are...

- Look what I did. - Wow. All right, we gotta go.

- Um, Gary shit his pants. - Look what I did.

Okay, Squirtle. Hey, Daddy loves you, okay?

Okay. I'm your daddy. I'm your daddy.

SUSIE: You can't... You can't say that.

- I love you. - I love you, too, Bobby.

- Okay, congrats, Gary. - On what?

I... Congratulations.

[BOTTLES CLINKING, GLASS SHATTERING]

Watch it!

Hey.

Hannah.

What, Donny?

I'm really sorry for what happened earlier.

I know I messed up, and I'm really sorry. I just don't want you to hate me.

I don't hate you. I'm sorry I slapped you.

That's okay. I deserved it.

I saw what you did for the party pooper. It's really sweet.

Yeah, well, uh, everyone kind of deserves a second chance.

What's up with you right now?

What do you mean?

You're so... chill.

Yeah, well, I'm really drunk and high right now.

I think I like you when you're really drunk and high.

WOMAN: ♪ I like the way your eyes begin to cry ♪

♪ I like how it feels when you smile ♪

♪ I like the way you watch me when I walk away ♪

♪ Say you'll stay ♪

♪ I like to feel your breath on my face ♪

♪ I like to swim around... ♪

Okay, yeah. I'll, uh... I'll see you in school.

MAN'S VOICE: Mazel Tov.

And... cheese?

Oh, yes. A picture. Yeah.

Guys. Drucker family. Everyone. Come here real quick.

Last of the night. Come on.

Donny, are you okay?

I feel funny.

Oh, my little baby's become a man. Hm.

So, who was the baby you were holding?

That's the son I secretly have with Susie.

He'll never know I'm his father, but, uh, his name's Squirtle.

- He has your eyes. - [CLEARS THROAT]

Sherryl, there's something I need to tell you.

I am a flaming homosexual.

I just got my ass cleaned out, and I want a divorce.

Whatever makes you happy, dear. All right. Let's do this.

Oh. Okay.

Oh. Also, I, uh... I never quit smoking.

Are you fucking kidding me? You never quit smoking?

[ALL ARGUING]

And... cheese!

♪ Making my way downtown ♪

♪ Walking fast, faces pass, and I'm homebound ♪

[SIREN BLARING]

♪ Staring blankly ahead Just making my way ♪

- Pull over. - ♪ I'm making my way through the crowd ♪

♪ And I need you ♪

♪ And I miss you ♪

♪ And now I wonder ♪

Seriously, Mike. How long you gonna keep doing this for?

You're old as fuck to still be valeting. You know what I'm saying?

Nobody wants some deadbeat loser

parking their cars and hanging out with their kids.

Jesus Christ. You smell like shit, man.

I mean, you should take a shower every once in a while.

L'Oréal. You ever heard of it?

I mean, I can't believe they even let you inside this children's party

looking like a fucking pedophile.

Do you wanna make out?

Obviously.

Seriously? Oh, my...

♪ I wonder if you ever think of me ♪

[TRAIN WHISTLE BLARING]

Shout out to the kid that fell into the chocolate fountain

and then all of the drunk adults start licking him.

He's in the hospital, and we've got news that he's fine.

Donny's was the best. I mean, the decorations, the...

Ow! My glasses!

♪ And I'll miss you ♪

♪ And now I wonder ♪

Hey, uh, Bobby, we need to talk.

- Yeah, what's up, man? - I'm a homosexual.

Like... What do you mean?

Like, I'm gay. I'm attracted to men, penises.

Okay, so, you're, what, like, attracted to me then?

What? No, no. Just listen. I...

You're my best friend, and I just wanna be completely honest with you.

- Yeah. - I am currently seeing your dad.

I know. It's kinda crazy. It just sort of happened.

First, I'm outside. Next thing I know, I'm straight out eating his butthole.

- So, you do eat butthole, right? - Yeah. I do.

- So we both eat butthole. - We both eat butthole.

- Dude. That's... That's awesome. - Yeah.

♪ Drown in your memory ♪

♪ I, I ♪

♪ Don't wanna let this ♪

Oh. What if cocks were nipples and nipples were cocks?

Then would size really matter?

Hmm. The more you know.

Donny, mazel tov. We're so happy.

- Susie and I are so... - Congratulations.

- We're so excited to be here. - We're so happy for you.

- You're a man now. - You're a man,

- but I always knew you would be. - Yeah. Well...

And, um...

And hopefully, you have a great role model like, um...

Benjamin Franklin.

And if you ever need life insurance, you know who to call.

Your boy Gary. 1-800-YOU-KNOW-THE-REST.

♪ If I could fall into the sky ♪

Never have I ever been on a serial killing spree,

launched a nuclear warhead, thrown baloney at children,

glued my buns to my dad's face,

jumped... Oh, wait. I have jumped.

Can l do another? Can I do another?

Never have I ever called my dentist a butthole

and then challenged him to a fight to the death.

Goddamn it.

♪ Do you think time will pass me by? ♪

♪ You know I'd walk a thousand miles ♪

♪ If I could just see you ♪

♪ If I could just hold you ♪

♪ Tonight ♪

Mommy.

Why won't you wake up, Mommy?

Mommy.

Why won't you wake up, Mommy?

Mommy.

Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull