Original subtitles

Welcome to Jonathan Quayle Higgins’ Institute for the Criminally Adolescent.

Hut! Two! Three! Hut! Two! Three!

You're Thomas Magnum? The one and only.

You're so young. Come from a family of slow agers.

He's impersonating me! | don't care whether he's Robin's nephew or not.

He's gonna be one sorry kid when he walks in here.

Being a private investigator is not a game.

It takes years of training. Hundreds of hours of study.

I'd like to report a homicide.

You stay there!

Mine!

(GUNS FIRING)

(SHOWER RUNNING)

Hey, what the hell...

(GROANS)

CHARLA: Wallace?

(SHRIEKING)

Hold your fire.

(SOBBING)

MAGNUM: Sometimes a little bit of a shock is a good thing.

Well, maybe not a shock,

but at least some kind of a change.

For instance, the last couple of months for me

have been a monotony of insurance investigations and divorce cases.

Basically, boring tedium relieved only by a missing cat case.

But that's another story.

Suffice to say, a change was in order.

You are one hour late.

| trust you have a satisfactory explanation.

(GROANING) R.J.: Heavy traffic, man.

A simple, "No excuses, sir,” will suffice.

No excuses, sir.

Man, the plane was late.

But that's an excuse, Sir.

A feeble one, at best, R.J.

By the by, where did you get this vehicle?

You need wheels, man. Sir.

No, it's Uncle Robin's.

It was waiting for me at the airport, sir.

Well, | doubt that you'll get much usage out of it.

Huh?

No, not much at all.

For we both know why you are here.

| am quite aware of the unusual circumstances regarding your background.

| am also aware that you were known at school, all of them,

to be undisciplined and quite laggardly in all endeavors.

Nevertheless, your uncle, Mr. Masters, feels that you can be transformed

under my guidance by your 21st birthday

into a gentleman worthy of his considerable trust fund.

So any thoughts you may have of a summer's vacation in paradise

should be done away with straightaway.

For you are about to embark upon an academic and physical regimen

comparable to the finest military academies in the world.

Do | make myself clear?

R.J.: All right.

Magnum.

You were supposed to be here this morning to meet...

R.J. Masters. The new recruit.

Welcome to the Jonathan Quayle Higgins Institute for the Criminally Adolescent.

I'm Thomas Magnum. HIGGINS: Where have you been?

Yeah, | know, | know, really...

You know? Sure.

Lives in the guest house. World class private investigator.

HIGGINS: Hardly world class. I'm waiting for an explanation.

No explanation. | was out all night.

On a case. On a case, huh?

After | unpack, you and I, we can...

Silence. You and Magnum will do nothing of the sort.

You and | will discuss your future agenda.

Agenda? It sounds like an induction ceremony. When does he get his hair cut?

Come on, Higgins, lighten up a little bit. The kid just got here.

No, no, no, it's okay. | don't want to get off on the wrong foot.

Mr. Higgins here is just doing what we all agreed to.

Look, | Know you're gonna to be putting a lot of time and energy into me,

and | just want you to know | appreciate it.

Really.

Thank you, R.J.

Perhaps the task won't be as difficult as | had envisioned.

Come along, and I'll show you to your quarters.

lam sure, Magnum, that you have things to do.

HIGGINS: Hut! Two! Three! Four!

Hut! Two! Three! Four!

Hut! Two! Three! Four!

Hut! Two! Three! Four!

Proceed to the next procedure now.

One, two, three, four...

(GROANING)

Obviously my assumption was correct.

You've never had a single moment of exercise in your entire life.

I'm just a little out of shape.

That's all.

"I'm just a little out of shape, sir."

Funny, you don't look it.

Showing proper respect for authority is the mark of a gentleman, young man.

Oh, come on, Higgins. Do we have to keep playing this stupid game all the time?

Your future is not a game.

I'm just a little out of shape, sir.

Very well. Now | want you to culminate this morning's physical activities

with 20 circuits around the estate perimeter.

Circuits? You mean laps?

| have to do 20 laps... Twenty-two circuits.

What? Twenty-five circuits.

Okay, Okay. | get the picture, sir.

Mr. Magnum?

Mr. Magnum?

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello? CHARLA: Mr. Magnum,

my name is Charla Graham.

Agatha Chumley suggested | contact you.

| need your help.

Hello? Are you there?

Yeah. Yeah, I'm right here.

My husband was murdered two weeks ago,

and I'd like you to find the man who can identify the killers.

Please, will you help me?

Mr. Magnum?

(STAMMERING) Yeah. | got a bad connection.

| need a new phone.

When can we meet?

Meet?

To discuss the case.

Oh, yeah, the case. Of course, the case.

Well, | Know you like the King Kamehameha Club.

Say 4:00 this afternoon?

Great.

I'll see you then. And thank you.

Thank you.

MAGNUM: Taking a nap in the middle of the day,

despite what Higgins thinks, isn't my usual M.O.

Especially when I'm working.

But I've got to confess | wasn't really working.

Even the insurance investigations and the divorce cases were drying up.

And there were no more missing cat cases either.

Just a late-night poker game with Rick, T.C. and a couple of other guys

who always seemed fo win.

(TAPE ON ANSWERING MACHINE REWINDING)

Ah!

CHARLA: Hello, Mr. Magnum, it's me again.

I'm going to be a little late. I think they're following me.

(BEEPS)

RICK: Thomas, Rick. Louie says you've got till tonight

to pay him the thirteen bucks from the game. Bye.

(TAPE REWINDING)

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

RICK: That's a great trick, kid, but you think you're gonna get away with it?

| don't know. | just hope he doesn't notice that it's gone.

Getting back in, that's the problem.

Higgins will understand.

He seems like a nice enough chap.

Except when he's mad, which is just about all the time.

Well, | take my chances.

Do you mind if | have another beer?

R.J., how old are you?

Twenty-seven. Twenty...

Twenty-seven? What, are you kiddin’ or what?

For Robin Masters' nephew, it is on the house.

In fact, the house is on the house. All right.

Rick, you're a heck of a guy.

Listen, it was great meeting you, really.

Thanks for the drink and see you guys later.

| guess the kid's been cooped up too long.

He's got to kind of unwind.

Charla Graham? Yes.

She looks a little old for him. | mean, if you ask me.

Hey, he's 27. What's wrong with that?

You're Thomas Magnum? The one and only.

Why? Something wrong?

No. It's just that you're so young. | mean...

It's hereditary.

Come from a family of slow agers.

But about the case?

This is a snapshot that we took last summer.

This is Archie. I'll show it to you.

Rick. Telephone.

Oh, thanks.

(COCKTAIL MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO)

Yeah.

Hi, Rick. How's it going?

What do mean, "Hi, Rick. How's it going?"

Well, that's just a figure of speech.

What's happening?

What do you mean, "What's happening?"

Well, | mean, you know,

has anybody kind of been around there asking for me?

You got it, pally.

It sounded like a client?

Look, you're not going to weasel! out of it that way.

"I'll pay up just as soon as | get the case." Well, it's not gonna work.

That story has been told too many times. Now, you listen to me.

Louie wants his $13 by tonight,

and so does Gino. He wants his $36 by tonight.

And if you think that I'm gonna stall them, you're crazy.

You just find yourself another patsy.

Mmm-hmm.

Frankly, I'm impressed.

Thank you.

Well, this should be enough to get a good start on finding your neighbor.

He's got a pretty recognizable face and it's a small island.

But Archie's into real estate, you know. He's got condos, houses, developments.

He could be hiding out almost anywhere.

I'll find him.

| swear.

Thanks.

Don't forget to use that new number | gave you. | disconnected the old phone.

Okay. Thank you.

Bye-bye.

Thanks a lot.

Private eye?

It seems to look that way.

Well, what are we gonna do?

We let him take us to the witness.

Be discreet, kid.

(SIREN WAILING)

JACK: Better take a rain check.

HIGGINS: My patience has reached the breaking point.

Young man, you are hereby on report

and any further episodes such as this will be dealt with severely.

As it is, you should consider yourself lucky that all you are suffering

are extra sessions of ancient Greek history and double calisthenics.

Double calisthenics?

And forfeiture of your car keys.

That is my Ferrari.

"That's my Ferrari, sir."

That is my Ferrari, sir!

No, it's not! It's Mr. Masters’ Ferrari.

Sounds real familiar.

Get used to it, R.J. He loves saying that.

| trust there is some compelling reason for this interruption, Magnum.

If not... There is.

At least | think there is. What?

| don't know. Magnum, you are wasting my time

and R.J.'s time. And believe me, this lad needs

all the time from me he can get.

Hey, I'm gone.

There's just one thing. | just wondered

if somebody had been trying to get a hold of me here.

| mean, see, | think someone either thinks I'm on a case,

or wants me for their case, or is in some kind of trouble, or they just...

Never mind.

Probably a wrong number.

She did mention my name, though.

Magnum, | assure you, no one has called here asking for you.

And furthermore your sordid social life

has no place in this classroom.

Please leave. Okay, Okay. | just thought I'd ask.

I'll check around.

Except she sounded real desperate.

I'm sure if she called you, she was.

I'll see you, R.J.

With him here, obviously my task will be doubly difficult.

However, if | ever impart any lasting and profound knowledge to you, R.J.,

the most important is, never,

never become unfocused, diffused, directionless, hedonistic, lazy...

Now, where were we?

The Trojan War.

Oh, yes. Of course.

As | was saying,

some legends have Athena herself building the Trojan horse.

However it was fashioned,

the Trojans arose that morning to find

that the entire siege had been lifted,

and the only object that remained at their gate

was this enormous wooden horse.

Naturally...

RICK: Hello.

Hello, Rick.

It's Thomas here.

Thomas?

Yeah, | just got back from the dentist.

Yeah. Look, | need a big favor.

I'm working on a very important case

and I've only got one lead.

One lead.

Yeah, it's an '84 Firebird,

license plate number

NLR 315.

Think you can trace it forme? Well, it depends.

Come on, I'll pay my tab in full. Promise.

| don't know. It's...

With interest?

Look, Rick, these bozos are playing real rough.

| need you to help me out.

Well, why didn't you say so before, pally?

I'll tell you what. I'll get right on it.

Great, buddy, I'll be over in a bit. Thanks.

Who was that?

That was you, Thomas.

(DOG BARKS) Come, lads, patrol.

If you would have played like this last night, you wouldn't have lost so much money.

How could he do that? Who, Gino or Louie?

You know, | bet that they were signaling each other...

I'm talking about R.J.

Oh, he's just young and impetuous.

He's impersonating me! Well, you got a point there.

Look, some woman is out there in danger, thinking I'm protecting her.

| don't care whether he's Robin's nephew or not.

He's gonna be one sorry kid when he walks in here.

(PHONE RINGING) And another thing...

Hello. Yeah.

Wow, you're kidding me.

Yeah, I'll let him know.

Try antibiotics.

That was Ice Pick.

He said that that license is registered to a couple of local hit men.

Gin.

Your friend was right.

There's only one P.I. on this island who drives a Ferrari.

Thomas Magnum.

Can | borrow your phone?

He made us.

Unfortunately.

What are we gonna do?

Take him out.

Yeah, hello, police.

I'd like to report a homicide.

Mine!

(BULLET RICOCHETS)

I'd swear those are gunshots. Those are gunshots.

Don't move!

Nowhere to go, Magnum. Except with us.

I'm not Magnum.

I'm Magnum.

He is!

You stay there!

R.J.: No problem.

| can explain everything.

MAGNUM: You stole my case! R.J.: No, no, no.

| borrowed it. Kind of.

You stole it!

Hey, can | stop? ‘Cause I'm gonna die.

Don't change the subject. You sneaked into my room.

No, | didn't sneak. The door was open.

And took my call from my client

while | was sleeping. Why?

(PANTING)

| didn't... | didn't plan it that way, you know.

| mean, | was just hoping that you could show me some ropes.

(EXHALING)

HIGGINS: Resume running.

Resume running!

No! No!

I'm not showing you any ropes.

There were guys shooting at me! Good.

Well, don't | deserve some explanation?

| mean, it was me who traced down that license number.

That was Rick.

R.J., the guys in the Firebird were professional hit men.

Being a private investigator is not a game.

It takes years of training. Hundreds of hours of study.

Well, | don't have a lot of years.

Why?

Because I'll be too old.

Tom, look, I'm almost 21. | mean, | think my hair is going already.

The only thing that's going is your mind and my patience.

And if you don't start running again,

all the conning in the world is not going to stop Higgins from phoning Robin

and pronouncing you a failure.

Then you'll be back at another boarding school, or out in the streets alone.

No, Higgins wouldn't do that. Why?

Because he's afraid that Robin will think that he's a failure.

I'll make the call then!

You just get back to work! Do your job and I'll do mine!

If | have a client left.

You mean, we?

| mean, me!

Okay, Okay, okay.

Now, you're out of the picture, you understand?

| want your solemn word that you will not meddle.

| promise. Solemnly.

Good, then

resume running.

| thought we said no. | said no.

| can't believe this.

| should have known he wasn't you.

| mean, | should have wised up when he gave me that line about slow agers.

How could you do it?

How could you let that kid go around masquerading as you?

He didn't bother to ask my permission, Mrs. Graham.

I'm sorry.

It's just that this seems like it's been such a waste of time.

I'm no closer to finding Archie or my husband's killers than | ever was.

Do you have any idea why your husband was killed?

A very good one.

Wallace was supposed to testify at a trial next week.

Union racketeering and fraud.

He was an accountant with a local and he saw too much.

| warned him not to do it,

but he insisted on testifying.

He said he wouldn't have it any other way.

MAGNUM: Can you tell me anything else about your neighbor, Archie Fleming?

| told you he was in real estate.

No, you told R.J.

Oh. I'm sorry. I'm confused.

But |... | did show you the picture, right?

No, you showed that to R.J. also, but | have it now.

Because this morning | remembered where that picture was taken.

At a party at one of Archie's houses.

How many does he have?

Plenty. I've been doing some research.

Am | gonna need a list?

Well, this house is at Makapuu Point.

And he used to go there sometimes on weekends.

Do you remember the address?

No. But it's the only one there.

(CLICKS OFF)

Well, that's a start.

But before you leave, you better give me all of them.

You know, houses, condos, developments.

Got a pen?

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

Higgins.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

HIGGINS: R.J.?

(KNOCKING)

R.J., I'd like a word with you.

Open this door at once.

(CLICKS ON)

CHARLA: Because this morning | remembered where that picture was taken.

At a party at one of Archie's houses.

How many does he have?

Plenty. I've been doing some research.

Am | going to need a list?

Well, this house is at Makapuu Point.

And he used to go there sometimes on weekends.

Do you remember the address?

No, but it's the only one there.

Oh, my God.

| don't believe this.

Please, don't worry, Mrs. Graham,

Agatha did not mislead you.

Magnum is very good at what he does.

Thank you. When he knows what he's doing.

| don't know what he's doing. | don't even know who's who anymore.

When this is over, Higgins, | want him gone.

Quite. However, in view of the fact that R.J. is,

in all probability, exceeding the speed limit,

| suggest that you step on it, too.

You know, this has all been like a nightmare.

| assure you, Mrs. Graham, everything will turn out all right.

| hope.

ARCHIE: I'm afraid you're history, punk.

They should never have sent a boy to do a man's job.

R.J.: Listen, Archie.

You got it wrong here.

Wrong?

Wrong? Listen, you came here to kill me.

You came here to blow me away.

But you're not.

No. This is gonna be self-defense.

Yeah, yeah, self-defense.

(STAMMERING) No. You gotta listen to me.

‘Cause... Don't... Don't shoot.

I'm not working for the hit men.

(STAMMERING)

Please believe me.

All right. Let's find out.

Come on, up against the wall.

What? Come on, up against the wall. Spread ‘em.

(GIGGLING)

Don't do that. You tickled me.

Look, Mr. Fleming, I'm not a murderer.

I'm just a kid. | don't even own a gun.

Oh.

| don't want to die.

Well, what do you want me to do?

How about just putting that gun down, Archie?

Please.

So, you're the hit man.

I'm not a hit man.

I'm a private investigator. I'm working for Charla Graham.

That's what he said.

I'm Thomas Magnum. He said that, too.

(SIGHING)

Now, look, you can either be a dead murderer or a live witness,

and as far as I'm concerned, it's a real toss-up.

He's just kidding. It's just a joke.

Okay, I'll go to the police.

We'll take you there. And | want protection.

You'll get it.

You know, I've never even fired the damn thing.

| almost wish you did.

MAGNUM: What did you do to the gate?

R.J.: Uh-oh.

What did you do to the gate, R.J.?

Well, Higgins changed the code, so | had to, you know,

manual-override the gate.

Oh, great. You probably shorted out the whole security system.

Higgins is going to kill you.

Got to admit though, we make a great team.

We don't make any team at all, R.J.

You're suppose to be going to school, not playing Philip Marlowe.

Well, | used a better role model than that.

Well, you did a pretty lousy job of it.

Sorry.

But | had to do it.

Why?

Because all my life all I've ever been is Robin Masters’ punk nephew.

The resident black sheep of the family.

He sends me here to turn me legit

by making me a cross of Higgins and him.

Well, it's not for me.

R.J., you're never going to know what's for you

until you get some idea of what the world's all about.

And you never will, unless you get some education and some discipline.

Then you can make your choices.

At the moment, Higgins is the best thing for you.

So, we're gonna go inside

and you're going to apologize for the gate

and everything else you've done and maybe, just maybe,

he won't send you packing.

Okay?

Okay.

Thanks.

What about my car?

Wei'll get it later. Right now, | don't want to let you out of my sight.

Higgins?

Something's wrong.

HIGGINS: Run, Magnum.

(GROANS)

Let's not overreact.

One question.

Where's Fleming? None of your business.

Oh, | think it is. Because | would like to propose a little exchange.

Your friend here for Fleming.

Easy. You've got one hour.

Or his condition is going to get worse.

| assure you, your only rational and logical course

is complete and unconditional surrender.

Now, if you will give me your weapons.

Hey, he's funny.

You're funny.

| certainly do not find any humor in this situation.

And if you persist... Button it, will you?

Nice lookin’ dame.

You know her personally?

| mean, did you ever go out with her? Like on a date?

Put that down.

(WHISTLING)

Great movie.

| saw it six times.

Looks like you saw it, too. | was there.

Yeah?

Remember what they did at the end?

Such madness.

(WHISTLING)

Boom.

Hey, relax.

R.J.: It's not going to work.

RICK: It's got to. It's not.

You don't look anything like him.

| mean, he's 6'4" and...

Watch it. Watch it.

It doesn't matter anyway.

Fleming said that the only time they saw him, he was sitting in the car,

and since he's in the police station right now,

spilling his guts out as we speak,

and Thomas and T.C. are doin’ back up,

that leaves only one other guy. Yours truly.

Or me.

Listen, kid, you got your orders.

Just don't move and stay put.

Maybe we should call the cops. Oh, that's real cute.

And have the swat team lobbing in tear gas?

Well, what happens if they don't buy you?

I'll just have to take that chance.

You could get killed. You're damn right | could get killed!

What do you think they're gonna do, just let Higgins go and wave bye-bye?

Let me just tell you something. If | do buy it,

| want you to know that it's gonna be your fault.

Does that make you feel real good?

Yeah, great. Look, kid, this ain't a cartoon.

It's gonna be like the shootout at the O.K. Corral out there,

and all you're doing is making me nervous.

Well, that's why you should let me do this.

Please. Come on, | mean, everything's my fault.

You guys don't deserve this.

Oh, man, | really messed up.

You gotta let me make it up to you.

| said no. You gotta.

No! You gotta.

| said...

Oh, wow.

Rick, what's taking you so long?

Two minutes. And make sure you lock him up.

(PHONE RINGING)

Yeah.

Two minutes and then we deliver Fleming.

We'll be there.

Let's go.

Start whistling, old chap, maybe it'll bring you some luck.

(WHISTLES)

So long,

(SCOFFS)

Colonel.

Higgins!

(GUNS FIRING)

That was very brave of you.

And foolhardy.

They're really dead.

Sometimes that's part of it.

R.J.: I'm leaving, Higgins, sir.

HIGGINS: Why? | believe your education is just beginning.

Yeah, maybe it is.

But | think it's about time | did it on my own terms.

| don't understand.

| mean, | think it's more important to me

to see if | can do it on my own

without that prize at the end being Uncle Robin's trust fund.

Do you know what I'm trying to say?

| think so.

Where do you expect to do this? L.A.

I'm just going to go there and get a regular, mundane job.

Take a few classes at City College.

Just be 20 years old for a while.

You think I'm doing the right thing?

Actually, your circumstances somewhat remind me

of a decision another lad your age made once.

Did he do the right thing?

Yes. Yes, he did.

Good luck, R.J.

And if you find it too...

| mean to say, if you ever want to,

you have a home here.

Thanks. Sir.

Higgins.

Where is he? Who?

R.J. He's off to Los Angeles.

When? He just left not 15 minutes ago.

My God, Magnum, you've broken it.

That's not important now. It most certainly is. What could be more important?

How about the little runt lying and selling the Ferrari?

The Ferrari? The green one.

R.J. sold it? Yes!

How? Where? Why?

| just went down to the police station

to straighten things out with Charla

and pick up the green... Stop rambling.

I'm not rambling! Lieutenant Tanaka said that R.J. just stopped by,

and he sold it to a broker.

A broker? For cash.

There's no fool like...

What?

Come along, Magnum.

We may yet catch the little bounder at the airport.