Original subtitles

HIGGINS: Somewhere on this island, they have buried $1 million.

They are conducting a treasure hunt.

Buried on this island? $1 million?

Take the chest and keep going.

Do you really think someone's going to come after you to get to the clues?

(SCREAMING)

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

Dig! Let's go, dig! All right!

(RICK SCREAMS)

That was a bat!

| guess I'm a real neurotic mess, anyway.

Let's just try and make the best of the rest of the treasure hunt.

(SCREAMING)

FENWICK: Jump. All of you.

You can't be serious.

Down there?

In the water?

In the water.

Look, guys, | think there's room for discussion here.

Why don't we... DOBBS: No! No more talk.

We're through talking. Everybody over the side, in the drink.

Come on. | mean, we're all rational human beings.

| mean, why don't we try and work something out?

After all, there's more than enough to go around here.

AMY: Not necessarily.

Everyone stay exactly as you are.

The great Treasure of Kalaniopu'u Treasure Hunt is history.

Time for the grand finale, right now.

MAGNUM: | suppose you're all wondering how we got into this mess.

A fair question.

Well, it all started a very long time ago.

In the year 1759, to be exact.

And someplace right around here.

Move, blast ye!

The heathen Kalaniopu'u is upon us.

Come on, faster!

PIRATE: Aye, Captain Dawkins. Aye!

DAWKINS: Come on now, boys, and run!

(DRUMS BEATING)

Faster, me boys!

DAWKINS: Come on, boys!

PIRATE: Aye, sir.

You and you,

take the chest and keep going.

We'll rendezvous at the cave of the wild boar

where waits Reverend Brown.

And Maggie.

Aye, Maggie.

But, Captain, what about you?

Here we'll stand. Go!

Gentlemen, load your muskets.

Send them to hell!

MAGNUM: A real cliff-hanger.

But considering what happened next,

I'd have to say that Captain Dawkins and his band of pirates

may have been the lucky ones.

After all, they were just fiction.

Everything else was reality.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

HIGGINS: Magnum?

| say, Magnum!

MAGNUM: Sort of.

Why don't you knock?

Knock?

| veritably tore the door from its hinges

in a vain attempt at civilized entry.

You are late.

Late? Late where?

To the Kalanianaole pavilion on the Windward Coast.

The what?

Oh, Higgins, come on,

| had a rough six hours at the university last night.

No doubt with that overeager, underaged co-ed you've been seeing.

That overeager, underaged co-ed is my tutor.

Spare me the euphemism.

She is!

In what subject? Advanced debauchery?

Business administration.

Dear me. Whatever for?

To improve the economic side of my business. Never mind.

Why are you here and what am | late for?

I'm here about The Treasure of Kalaniopu'u.

That's my copy. | bought and paid for it with my own money.

It seems that Robin Masters' publishing company has come up with a cheap gimmick,

unworthy of Mr. Masters in my opinion,

to increase the paperback sales of The Treasure.

Oh. Well, | did my part.

Somewhere on this island, they have buried $1 million,

as did the character Captain Dawkins in the novel.

And they are conducting a treasure hunt

based on the incidents in the book to spur sales.

$1 million?

A mere write-off for them.

$1 million!

And in the long run, much more viable

with the expected increase in sales,

plus a potential motion picture. Be that as it may...

Buried on this island? $1 million?

Be that as it may, you have been volunteered by Mr. Masters,

who, | might add, finds the whole thing as unseemly as | do,

and has fled indefinitely to the south of France

to coordinate this charade with the representative from the publishing company.

Boy, think of the tax problems I'm going to have, Higgins.

Think of your duty, Magnum. Huh?

Your tax problems are irrelevant.

Why? If | find $1 million...

Have you not heard a word I've said?

You are an employee of Mr. Masters in this venture.

You are, therefore, not eligible.

Not eligible!

And late.

AMY: Very late, Mr. Magnum.

| trust this isn't a harbinger of your future work habits.

39 down. What?

Something that foreshadows or presages what is to come.

Last Sunday's New York Times crossword puzzle,

39 down, "Harbinger."

You probably cheated.

Why do you need our medical insurance?

In case anything happens.

| did not cheat, Miss...

Ms. Griswald, Amy. Mount Kisco, New York.

And | bet you did cheat.

Well, we'll never know, will we?

But what | would like to know is what my future work habits entail? You know, consist of?

Be consistent with? Inevitably involve?

Oh, | don't think he cheated, Miss Griswald.

Yes, thank you. Good luck.

What your job inevitably involves, Mr. Magnum,

is helping me keep this treasure hunt honest.

Fine. Honest.

Yo, Thomas! Where do | sign up?

Ah.

Wow, this is great. One million simoleons,

and all | gotta do is read this here pirate book.

Rick, | think you are gonna have to do more than just read it.

You're gonna have to read into it.

You are required to take 225-year-old clues,

and translate that into a search throughout modern Oahu.

Starting here, the site of the pagan sacrifice,

as so colorfully depicted in the novel.

Yeah, right. Pagran sacrifice. Great stuff. Here, baby.

Rick, | don't think this is gonna be that easy.

Who cares? | have a plan.

They all do.

It is kind of silly, isn't it?

Kind of?

| think it's absolutely the most foolish stunt to hit the literary world

since the Howard Hughes will.

| know that | did not torturously apply myself

to the taskmasters at Bennington,

then slave in the publishing houses along Madison Avenue for the past 10 years

to wind up doing... Doing this.

I'd rather be undertaking what I've been trained to do,

editing Norman Mailer.

With a saber, of course.

IBOLD: Or what about a scalpel?

MAGNUM: Doc lbold? Why not?

| could make very good use of that money.

| can buy a new set of golf clubs.

And | shall swear to my patients

that I'll only hunt for that treasure on Wednesdays and weekends.

Hey, like, I'm curious.

Are there, like, other prizes

for finding most of the clues or something?

Like a... Like a computer?

It's all or nothing, young man.

Oh, okay.

Hey, like, I'm also curious, Ms. Griswald.

| mean, what am | supposed to be doing here? Protecting you?

| mean, because you know where all the clues are

and the treasure's hidden, right?

Wrong.

| trust your mental deductions in your chosen field

aren't as haphazardly thought out as those,

or you'd probably be bumming off

the good graces of Robin Masters, instead of working.

Now, the clues will be sent to me one at a time

by the prestigious accounting firm

of Fletcher and Kilroy in New York, to ensure my safety.

And honesty. | mean, it's just a haphazard deduction.

Listen, I'll see you, Thomas.

Oh, bye, Doc.

Good morning. Good morning. Good morning, Mr. Magnum.

I'm here to become rich and famous,

along with my lovely and charming partner.

Hi. Cards are over there.

Oh. Hi, I'm Thomas Magnum. | don't think we've met.

Donna Clemens. | teach literature over at the university.

AMY: (CHUCKLES) This is hardly literature.

Well, good luck. | think the contest starts in about...

Exactly 12:00 noon.

Great. Great.

And we will be ready.

Research materials.

We'll be right back with these cards. My dear.

Safety?

Do you really think someone's going to come after you to get to the clues?

Who knows? And who the hell cares?

Oh, excuse me.

Doug Fenwick and Terry Dobbs, direct from Beantown.

We're here to sign up for the treasure hunt.

ALL: 10, 9, 8,

7,6, 5,

4,3, 2, 1!

(ALL CHEERING)

Oh, Jonathan, isn't this jolly good fun?

(SIGHING)

Well, they're off and running.

In pursuit of the quintessential sucker's bet.

Why? One of them's gonna win.

And the rest?

| reiterate, Magnum, this is dumb.

MAGNUM: Well, it wasn't Robin's idea.

Maybe.

But if he were a serious novelist

addressing the human condition

in an incisive and intellectual manner,

we certainly wouldn't be here doing this.

At least, | wouldn't be here.

Well, maybe Robin is addressing the human condition.

Yes? How so?

What bleak aspect of human nature is Robin Masters exploring

in The Treasure of Kalaniopu'u?

Greed.

Well, where to, Ms. Griswald?

The Blue Coral Reef Hotel near downtown.

That's the vicinity of the first clue.

You happen to know where that eminent hostelry might be?

Yes, as a matter of fact, | do.

Robin and | had lunch there when | was chauffeuring him around,

scouting locations for this book.

Oh, how droll.

Shall we, then?

Bye, guys.

MAGNUM: And so, the great Treasure of Kalaniopu'u Treasure Hunt was on.

And the great literary flash from Mount Kisco and |

were off running on a road straight to $1 million.

But for some of the others,

this road might prove to be a little more serpentine.

How you doing?

Close.

To the treasure?

(CHUCKLING) No, to figuring out the first clue.

What | can't understand is,

why we just can't skip all this clue stuff

and go straight to where the treasure's buried.

Because if you'd read the book...

| read the book.

I've read all of Robin Masters’ books,

and Mad Buck Gibson, and Tolstoy.

But that still doesn't tell me

how come we just can't zip to the treasure,

skip all this clue and other stuff?

Because we have to substantiate

to Amy Griswald and to Magnum

that we did in fact figure out all the clues.

Now, where we need to start

is that Hawaiian village that Dawkins and his crew found when they first landed.

Okay, okay, where is it?

That's what I'm trying to figure out, if you'll let me.

Okay, Okay, okay.

Okay. Listen to this,

"The high priest Kalaniopu'u's village

"was nestled in a beach alcove

"surrounded by a peaceful, placid harbor

"large enough to accommodate Captain Dawkins' three masters..."

Oh, wait, wait, wait.

Fisherman's Wharf! Fisherman's... Go on, go on, go on.

All right. "It was guarded by an ancient banyan tree, that rose majestic..."

Oh, the Federal Building! Let's go.

(WHOOPING) All right.

Don't drive fast enough to get us killed.

(WHOOPS)

DONNA: Slow down!

T.C.: We'll have all of our lives to slow down.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Watch it!

Do you have to be so clumsy?

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Well, fortunately, we'll only have to endure

this deplorable situation one night.

Then what?

We go to where the next clue takes us.

Where's that?

(SHUSHING) Will you please give me some credit?

Fine, but give me some credit, too. We are a team, aren't we?

We are not a team.

| am the supervisor of this contest. You are working for me.

Your job is to keep away the weirdos and the kooks.

Oh, okay, | can see how that could be a problem.

(SNICKERING) Watch it.

Look. Look, | can't tell you where the specific clue sites are.

There's no need for you to know.

There is a need to protect me.

So, come on, let's just get registered.

Miss Griswald.

(KEYBOARD CLACKING)

Here you are. 2012, the honeymoon suite.

(SCOFFS) You're hardly serious.

It's on the computer.

| think you made a mistake there.

No mistake. It's on the computer.

| don't care if it's etched in Paleolithic granite.

This is clearly unacceptable.

We are supposed to have adjoining but separate rooms.

You're not married?

BOTH: No!

Look, Mr. Kono,

my company made these reservations three weeks ago.

Two rooms.

Maybe the computer did make a mistake.

The computer does not make mistakes.

Maybe you made a mistake. | know | did.

I'm terribly sorry, but it'd be very difficult to move you

as there's a whole convention staying here.

The Royal Order of Water Buffaloes from Dayton, Ohio.

You're kidding? No, ma’am.

Well, then move them! Now!

Or I'll have this place reduced to rubble! Rubble!

Do you hear me?

Maybe we can work something out.

You'd better.

Hey, pal, you can have my room.

| wouldn't wish that on anyone.

Even my worst enemy.

(AMY SIGHING)

Come on, Magnum, on your feet. Everything is taken care of.

Now, all we have to do is find the damn place.

Listen, | know it's here somewhere.

KIKA: Hey, you better find it, bro.

Otherwise we'll be out a cool million, you know?

And that'd be the end of a beautiful partnership.

| got it.

All right.

Hey, listen, Kika, are you...

Are you sure that we're headed in the right direction?

Of course, I'm sure, Doc.

(CHUCKLING)

The village of Kalaniopu'u is the village of my ancestors.

Yeah, but the village of your ancestors

has not been in existence for some 200 years.

We Hawaiians have a great oral tradition.

Well, | hope that this haole and this Hawaiian have a terrific future.

Hey. Hey, listen, Kika.

What are you gonna do with all that money?

Are you gonna buy out the pedicab industry?

(LAUGHING) Are you kidding, man? I'm going to live.

No more peddling around those oversized tricycles. You know, all over town.

Hey, I'm gonna be like Magnum, you know.

My own estate. My own red sports car.

Maybe I'll become a PI, too.

Hey, Doc. You and me are gonna go downtown, find that cash,

and live like kings.

Like King Kamehameha, huh? You got it.

All right. This is fun. Let's go!

Let's go!

MAGNUM: /f they only knew what fun | was really having.

| mean, it was bad enough being stuck doing this silly job

with the supercilious Amy Griswald.

But | was also missing the Detroit-Toronto game, which was being beamed

at this very moment live and direct from Canada,

via Satellite, to Robin's new dish and my comfortable old guest house.

My options here were sadly more limited.

(CARTOON PLAYING ON TV)

And so far, | was really having a hard time figuring out

what | was really supposed to be doing.

| knew we were in the general vicinity of the first clue,

but Ms. Griswald refused to even tell me specifically where it was.

As if | even cared, not being eligible anyway.

It was the kind of evening where | even found myself

rooting for Woody to fall out of his tree.

(CHUCKLING)

(DOOR OPENING)

Ms. Griswald?

(AMY SCREAMING)

Amy!

(AMY SCREAMING)

You okay?

No! It's me, it's me! It's me.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

That's okay.

(EXCLAIMS) You okay?

Yeah. Yeah.

Physically. Physically, yes.

Emotionally, psychologically,

and in terms of every woman's angst, no.

(SCREAMS)

No, no...

You're fine, you're fine. Okay. Oh.

It's okay. Yeah.

You all right? Yeah.

What happened?

Two intruders broke in and tried to steal the first clue.

Did they get it?

It's all right here.

Well, that's just great. That's great.

How am | supposed to protect the integrity of this contest,

not to mention you, if you don't confide in me?

You're right.

This is all getting too weird.

Okay, I'll tell you where it is.

Great.

But you've also got to tell me one thing.

What?

Just where the hell do you expect me to sleep tonight?

MAGNUM: Amy was only half right.

Not only were things getting too weird,

they were also getting too dangerous.

And it wasn't only her | was concerned about.

All my friends were involved, too.

T.C.: Okay. It's here.

Where?

You... We need a bulldozer to dig up all this cement.

Not necessarily.

The majestic banyan tree.

Deeper.

Any deeper and we're talking China here.

We found it. We did it!

(SHUSHING) They'll hear you. Let's have a look.

Well, great. We found it, but what does it mean?

| think | Know what it means.

| think | know.

Well, what? What?

(BOTH EXCLAIMING) RICK: Hi, T.C.

What are you doing? What are you doing here? T.C.!

Take it easy. The same as you are, after the treasure.

What? You followed us! | thought you had a plan?

Yeah, that's it.

| can live on a third of a million bucks real easy.

Now, let's cover this boulder up,

before someone else knows where to find it.

No, no, you can't. That's one of the rules of the contest.

You can't alter or disfigure an exposed clue or you're disqualified.

I'm gonna alter and disfigure him!

Just take it easy. You can't. We're friends. And now we're partners.

Oh, we're history.

You're under arrest for destruction of public property.

You're relieved, Officer. Downtown wants us to cordon off the area.

Right. Mahalo.

MAGNUM: So far, it wasn't a particularly auspicious night.

Nor an auspicious beginning

for the great Treasure of Kalaniopu'u Treasure Hunt.

| mean, spending the night folded up on my couch

while Amy Griswald slept peacefully in my bed,

no doubt dreaming dreams of what she'd like to do

to Norman Mailer and Ernest Hemmingway, was not my idea of fun.

But | suppose where Rick, T.C., and Donna spent theirs

wasn't a night at the Ritz, either.

RICK: Come on, Lieutenant, you gotta let us out of here.

You don't know what's at stake.

What's at stake is eight hours of sleep down the drain. Mine.

But, Lieutenant, we're talking about a million bucks.

Look, Lieutenant,

we'll cut you in for one hundred big ones.

Rick.

All right. A quarter. You're an equal partner.

TANAKA: I'm a homicide investigator.

Now, why'd you ask to see me?

Because you're the only cop we know.

And we'd like to consider you our friend.

And even though I've only personally known you

for a short period of time,

it's real easy to see you're a man of grace and literary sensitivity.

And we knew, once everything was explained to you, you'd understand.

And let us go.

Please. Don't try to con me.

I've been conned by the best, like your friend, Magnum.

And | have to say this,

the three of you are rank amateurs.

So, | take it you're not letting us go?

You've destroyed private property.

You're liable for damages,

and so is the publishing company.

You've gotta know that this is going on your records, and furthermore...

(PHONE RINGING)

Tanaka.

Oh.

Right. No problem.

You're free to go.

How come?

Apparently, there's a misunderstanding.

The Federal authorities were aware of the boulder

and gave the treasure hunt people permission.

Only thing was, the anonymous passerby who called us didn't know that.

So, good night. Good night.

(CHUCKLES) Mahalo, Lieutenant.

Just stay out of trouble.

(SIGHING)

(SCREAMING)

Oh, I'm sorry.

God, | was dreaming about last night.

Those two guys, and then

when | woke up, you were...

Do you know how to make coffee?

You're not mad, are you?

Mad? Mad? No, of course not.

| mean, why should | be mad?

Being roommates with a... Don't say it.

How do you know what | was gonna say next?

I'm a good guesser.

And the truth of the matter is,

whatever you were gonna say, | deserve it.

I've been disparaging you and this treasure hunt

ever since they assigned me to it.

And | know you were reluctant, too.

And | know that if it weren't for you scaring off those guys,

and then talking to the cops,

and then taking care of everything last night,

well, I'd just be a real neurotic mess.

| guess I'm a real neurotic mess, anyway.

Thank you.

For what?

Everything.

Sure.

Let's just try and make the best of the rest of the treasure hunt, okay?

Okay.

So, where's the next clue?

| don't know. They're supposed to call.

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello?

Griswald.

Yeah.

Uh-huh.

Right. Well, we'll be there.

Where? Where's the next clue?

It doesn't matter. They actually told me where the treasure is.

Now, all we've got to do is just show up

and wait for the lucky winner to get there.

Really? Yeah.

The whole thing? Yeah.

Why?

Well, because of what's happened,

they don't want to take any more chances with me

or the hunt getting compromised.

In other words, we're just Supervisors now.

We're through being roommates.

Oh.

(COFFEE MACHINE BUZZING)

Thanks.

(BATS SCREECHING)

RICK: A bat!

T.C.: That was not a bat.

(SCREAMING) Whoa!

That was a bat!

Orville, will you just shut up and come on?

Now, what's a couple of bats compared to a million bucks?

(EXCLAIMING)

I'm thinking about it.

Where's that first mate guy, anyway?

Hey!

DONNA: Let me see.

Let's see. Okay, here we go.

"First mate Dick Trevor was instructed by Captain Dawkins

"to proceed to the cave of the wild boar, where he...”

Wild boar? What wild boar?

Shut up.

"Where he was to await further instructions.

"Unbeknownst to him..."

He was probably killed by the bats.

Pecked to death!

Probably sucked the blood right out of his neck.

BOTH: Shut up!

Well, at any rate,

according to the inscriptions we found on the rock,

we're in the right cave. Now, all we have to do

is find first mate Dick Trevor.

Sure. He's probably waiting just around the bend.

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

ALL: You!

What are you guys doing here?

We're lost. Investigating.

Investigating what?

How about one-million-bucks investigating?

You two guys better come clean.

Listen, after you were arrested,

the lieutenant called me just to make an official report.

It was really routine stuff.

And we decided

the best course of action, and since you're all friends of ours,

and to avoid any further complications,

was to investigate more fully, so...

Yes. So, anyway,

we were looking at the snapshot of the boulder clue,

and really, purely for background purposes,

we kind of went out.

We just picked up a copy of the book and...

And tried to rip us off.

And these guys aren't even registered.

But you are.

Maybe we could be silent partners.

Silent partners?

That would mean the split would be...

$200,000.

Oh, we can live with that. Can you?

Unless you want to go back to the station and answer a few more questions.

Come on, | think it's this way.

(SCREAMS)

That's it, I'm out of here! Hold it, hold it.

(WOLF HOWLING) You just stop that right now.

Who's in here?

Come out or I'll shoot.

You can't shoot people.

Yeah. Well, he can shoot ghosts.

There are no ghosts.

Look, either you come out or I'm coming in.

I'm gonna count to three.

One, two...

Okay, Okay, okay. We're coming.

(CHUCKLES)

How's it, brah?

"How's it, brah?"

I'm gonna... T.C.

What are you guys doing here?

| believe we share the same general interests.

| mean, how... It was rather difficult, actually.

When we got to the banyan tree,

which evidently you so thoughtfully dug up,

we found there was nobody there except two plainclothes policemen.

And they let you look at the clue?

Well, no. Actually, we waited for them to leave.

Only to find that that clue, that mark on the rock face,

had been hurriedly painted over.

So, my partner Kika and |

removed that boulder, we took it to my lab,

and we took off the paint. That's what took us so long.

You mean, the cops painted the rock over?

| guess.

I'm gonna get their names. That's destruction of evidence.

That's not important.

What is important is the fact that right now

the seven of us in this cave are the only ones

who know the location of this clue.

Obviously, the painted rock was a dead end for everybody else, so...

(LAUGHING)

The treasure is ours!

Yeah. That is precisely right!

| apologize for alarming you,

but when we heard the voices,

we decided discretion was the better part of valor

until we could ascertain indeed precisely

who it was that we were dealing with.

Oh, this is wonderful. Wonderful.

How many times does seven go into a million?

One hundred and forty... Two thousand eight hundred...

BOTH: Fifty-seven dollars...

And fourteen cents!

(LAUGHING)

Where is this clue?

Right over here.

For in the book, you remember?

The first mate, Dick Trevor,

swallowed

that map just before he was killed.

Well, where is it? The suspense is killing me.

HIGGINS: Oh, my God!

The treasure is here?

Apparently.

Buried beneath my prized bed of Grandiflora Queen Elizabeths?

Evidently.

Why?

| don't know. I'm just a hired hand.

How? When?

| don't know!

Maybe it happened last weekend when you were on Maui

and | was at my economics seminar.

How could Mr. Masters do this to me?

Calm yourself, Jonathan.

It probably wasn't Robin, Mr. Higgins.

I'm sure it was the company's idea.

Because, in the book, the implication was that

the treasure was finally located in a tropical garden.

You know, just before the oh-so-tragic ending.

And this being Robin's property,

the advance man, the genius who figured all this out,

probably figured this is the closest thing we had to one.

You know, $1 million is $1 million.

We couldn't very well just bury it anywhere.

On behalf of the company, | do apologize,

and I'm sure any damage to your flower bed will be compensated.

That is not the point!

Jonathan, please. You'll have a stroke.

| don't care! I...

Ms. Griswald? Telephone, Ms. Griswald.

Will you just excuse me for a moment?

| still don't see why my Grandiflora Queen Elizabeths

have to perish for the sake of a cheap publicity stunt.

I'm sure when all this is over, Higgins, you can get some new flowers.

They are not just flowers! They're...

AMY: Big trouble!

I'm glad you finally realize that.

I'm not talking about the roses, Mr. Higgins.

That was Channel 8 news.

Somehow, they've stumbled upon some of the treasure hunters at the cave,

and they've sent a crew up there to do a story on them.

I've got to get up there, because if any of those clue sites

appear on television, the whole contest will be compromised.

I'll go with you.

No, you won't.

| mean, you can't. You've got to stay here with the money.

And if any of the entrants are smart enough

to have figured this part out,

you must supervise the unearthing.

I'll be back just as soon as | can. But...

Please, do as | ask. | don't want to lose my job.

Intellectually degrading as it may be.

| know how you feel, Higgins,

but sometimes the whims of the rich and powerful can be very capricious.

But | know you'll get over it. Really.

He's right, Jonathan.

And after all, how much worse can things get?

(HORNS HONKING)

RICK: Let's go for it!

Kika: Dig, dig! Let's go!

(DONNA SCREAMING) Dig! All right, dig!

My God.

There's nothing there.

| demand an explanation.

From me? Why me?

Because you are in charge of this contest!

| am not in charge of this contest.

Amy Griswald is. Or was.

My job was to try and keep it honest.

Performed, | might add, in your typically superlative fashion.

Where is the $1 million?

| don't know!

All this death and mutilation for naught. For naught!

Really, the treasure should have been here.

This is the most specifically delineated clue of the lot.

There can be no mistaking it.

Unless it was a plant. It was many plants.

Oh, that's not what I'm talking about.

Then what, pray tell, are you talking about?

Doc, what did those cops who guarded the banyan tree look like?

One was blonde, baby-faced.

The other was a little taller with a pencil-thin moustache

like Boston Blackie. Remember him?

No. But | bet you Amy Griswald does.

Magnum, as usual, you are not making any sense.

Oh, yes, | am.

Look, you take those mystery intruders in Amy's motel room,

you add a couple of phony cops with a can of paint,

and a mysterious phone call from Channel 8,

and you're gonna come up with a couple of guys

named Doug Fenwick and Terry Dobbs

in collusion with Miss Mount Kisco.

| mean, don't you see?

She was spoon-feeding them the clues as she got them from the accounting firm.

But after the manufactured incident at the motel,

well, they just panicked and gave her the whole ball of wax.

Which she handed to them. Right!

That's a very interesting theory, Mr. Magnum.

Thank you.

Yeah, and while they're off stealing the treasure,

we're sitting here discussing it.

So, this bogus clue from the skeleton

is nothing more than a classic case of misdirection.

So, what are we gonna do about it?

Good question. What?

Yes, Magnum. What?

We go back to the book.

MAGNUM: The /ast chapter.

Right where it gets real tragic.

REVEREND: If James does not make it here, Maggie,

it will not be because he did not try,

nor does not love you.

It is simply the Lord's will.

Was it the Lord's will for him to steal the treasure?

But that was Spanish treasure.

We are at war with them, Maggie.

Captain James Dawkins was merely doing his duty.

Nothing more, nothing less.

I'll die not having known what it was like to be with him.

To have him as my husband.

We never should have left England.

Aye, I'll chug one to that, milady.

None of us should have left.

James!

Maggie.

Maggie. At last we're together.

Yes. Yes.

The four of us, we must go quickly.

Our only hope is to...

(SCREAMS)

MAGGIE: Oh, no.

Father!

My God, Maggie, we must flee!

Perhaps now we can be together.

Yes. Always.

RICK: Wow, that's really tragic.

| should have read the book.

And Robin Masters should have done his research.

Spain didn't enter the Anglo-Franco war until 1762.

Yes, but who cares? The point is,

is that they jumped off the cliff.

Right. But listen to this last paragraph.

"And so the brave Captain Dawkins

"and his true love, Maggie Brown,

"plunged hand in hand over the precipice

"into the brutally churning waters below.

"And even though they did indeed perish,

"their love would live on and on."

What treacle.

| kind of liked it.

That's not the point.

My dear, what is the point?

The point is, there are no churning fresh waters on Oahu.

Exactly.

But this is fiction.

Yeah, but the scouting trip | took Robin on before he wrote the book wasn't.

He just used a little literary license.

| know exactly where they are.

MAGNUM: | know what you're thinking.

Given what happened earlier, we were walking into a certain trap.

| knew that.

But what Amy and her cohorts didn't know

was what could happen when the trappers became the trapees.

Nobody move.

/ think.

Don't try anything stupid, guys.

Jump.

All of you.

You can't be serious.

Down there?

In the water?

In the water.

Look, guys, | think there's room for discussion here.

Why don't we... DOBBS: No! No more talk.

We're through talking. Everybody over the side, in the drink.

Come on. | mean, we're all rational human beings.

| mean, why don't we try and work something out?

After all, there's more than enough to go around here.

AMY: Not necessarily.

Everyone stay exactly as you are.

The great Treasure of Kalaniopu'u Treasure Hunt is history.

Time for the grand finale, right now.

You know, | don't think you're going to be doing much book editing anymore.

Unless you and these bozos plan on doing some prison writing.

There's something about $1 million payday

that can make you lose your zeal for working.

Now, do as we Say. We've got a plane to catch.

| think you're bluffing.

Oh! That's it, | think a swim will be just fine.

Stay right there, Rick.

(HELICOPTER WHIRRING)

Get the rope!

Come on!

(WHOOPING)

(BOTH SCREAMING)

(GUFFAWING)

My money! | got it! | got it!

Money, money, money, money!

(ALL CLAMORING)

I'm sorry you lost your Grandiflora Queen Elizabeths over this.

Thank you, Magnum. The gesture is appreciated.

But | suppose that when one works,

as we do, for someone as eccentric

and as anarchically impulsive as Mr. Masters,

we must expect the unexpected

and learn to live with the somewhat absurd vagaries of his work.

You're right, Higgins.

| guess you and I'll

be doing this for a long time, too, huh?

You know. Together.

Yes. As a matter of fact, always.

(BOTH SCREAMING)