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1
00:00:04,638 --> 00:00:08,442
So, do either of you guys
urinate with abnormal frequency?
2
00:00:10,611 --> 00:00:12,380
No.
3
00:00:14,582 --> 00:00:17,718
I mean,
you gotta define abnormal.
4
00:00:17,785 --> 00:00:18,852
And keep in
mind the body
5
00:00:18,919 --> 00:00:22,156
doesn't process
alcohol efficiently.
6
00:00:22,223 --> 00:00:23,957
Which is why your
Uncle Charlie
7
00:00:24,024 --> 00:00:25,959
is a perpetual
urine machine.
8
00:00:26,026 --> 00:00:27,995
Also keep in mind
that your father
9
00:00:28,062 --> 00:00:29,063
has the bladder control
10
00:00:29,130 --> 00:00:31,732
of a frightened
nine-year-old girl.
11
00:00:32,966 --> 00:00:34,202
Which is why he needs to wear
12
00:00:34,268 --> 00:00:37,105
two pairs of undies
and a panty liner.
13
00:00:37,171 --> 00:00:39,307
Only on long drives.
14
00:00:39,373 --> 00:00:40,574
Oh, really?
15
00:00:40,641 --> 00:00:42,910
How many times a night
do you get up to pee?
16
00:00:42,976 --> 00:00:43,844
Just once.
17
00:00:43,911 --> 00:00:45,279
I can hear
your toilet flush, Alan.
18
00:00:45,346 --> 00:00:46,847
Okay, four times.
19
00:00:46,914 --> 00:00:49,350
But at least
I get out of bed to pee.
20
00:00:49,417 --> 00:00:50,384
Hey, hey.
21
00:00:50,451 --> 00:00:52,086
That was an isolated incident.
22
00:00:52,153 --> 00:00:54,955
I was dreaming my shoes
were on fire.
23
00:00:55,022 --> 00:00:56,890
Does that answer your
question, buddy?
24
00:00:56,957 --> 00:00:57,891
Yeah.
25
00:00:57,958 --> 00:01:00,894
And remind me
to never ask another one.
26
00:01:02,062 --> 00:01:04,165
Charlie?
Yeah?
27
00:01:04,232 --> 00:01:05,999
Why aren't you ready?
28
00:01:06,066 --> 00:01:07,201
Ready for...?
29
00:01:07,268 --> 00:01:08,769
You've got to be kidding me.
30
00:01:08,836 --> 00:01:10,738
I've told you
at least three times
31
00:01:10,804 --> 00:01:13,073
we're having dinner with
my girlfriend Gail tonight.
32
00:01:13,141 --> 00:01:14,575
Excuse me, gotta pee.
33
00:01:15,743 --> 00:01:17,111
I swear to God,
you never listen
34
00:01:17,178 --> 00:01:18,179
when I'm talking
to you.
35
00:01:18,246 --> 00:01:19,947
It's like you just tune me out.
36
00:01:20,013 --> 00:01:21,282
You look like
you're paying attention,
37
00:01:21,349 --> 00:01:23,083
but your mind
is a million miles away.
38
00:01:23,151 --> 00:01:24,652
CHARLIE:
Do I need to pee?
39
00:01:26,920 --> 00:01:28,021
Nah.
40
00:01:28,088 --> 00:01:29,056
I mean, I could.
41
00:01:29,123 --> 00:01:30,224
Might be traffic.
42
00:01:30,291 --> 00:01:31,125
Probably should pee.
43
00:01:31,192 --> 00:01:32,626
Yeah, better pee.
44
00:01:32,693 --> 00:01:34,428
Now we're going to be late,
and I'm going
45
00:01:34,495 --> 00:01:36,063
to be embarrassed
all because you don't listen.
46
00:01:36,130 --> 00:01:38,899
Boy, she's got great boobies.
47
00:01:40,434 --> 00:01:43,103
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *
48
00:01:43,171 --> 00:01:46,674
* Men, men, men, men,
manly men, men, men *
* Ooh
49
00:01:46,740 --> 00:01:49,577
* Men, men, men, men,
manly men *
* Ooh
* Ooh
50
00:01:49,643 --> 00:01:51,679
* Ooh-ooh-ooh,
ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh... *
51
00:01:51,745 --> 00:01:53,981
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *
52
00:01:54,047 --> 00:01:57,285
* Ooh
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *
53
00:01:57,351 --> 00:01:59,620
* Ah.
* Men.
* Men.
54
00:02:08,028 --> 00:02:10,631
* Men. *
55
00:02:10,698 --> 00:02:14,368
So, Charlie, I've heard
so many nice things about you.
56
00:02:14,435 --> 00:02:16,437
Really? From who?
57
00:02:17,538 --> 00:02:18,706
Hello.
58
00:02:20,441 --> 00:02:21,709
Oh, right.
59
00:02:21,775 --> 00:02:23,043
Thanks.
60
00:02:23,110 --> 00:02:25,813
I guess I only hear
the complaints.
61
00:02:25,879 --> 00:02:27,381
You don't hear anything.
62
00:02:27,448 --> 00:02:28,582
That's not true.
63
00:02:28,649 --> 00:02:30,318
You're right. It's not.
64
00:02:30,384 --> 00:02:31,819
He hears what
he wants to hear.
65
00:02:32,820 --> 00:02:34,822
So I'm right.
66
00:02:36,123 --> 00:02:38,959
Well, you still make
a great couple.
Thank you.
67
00:02:39,026 --> 00:02:41,929
And I'm really looking forward
to your wedding.
68
00:02:41,995 --> 00:02:44,698
(choking up): I'm sure it's
going to be beautiful.
69
00:02:45,933 --> 00:02:47,868
(whispering):
What'd I do?
70
00:02:47,935 --> 00:02:50,538
Nothing. I told you she's going
through a bad breakup.
71
00:02:50,604 --> 00:02:51,939
When did you tell me that?
72
00:02:52,005 --> 00:02:54,174
In the car,
on the way here.
73
00:02:54,242 --> 00:02:55,276
God.
74
00:02:57,245 --> 00:02:59,146
It's going to be okay.
75
00:02:59,213 --> 00:03:00,548
I know. It's just hard.
76
00:03:01,449 --> 00:03:02,750
I thought I knew him.
77
00:03:02,816 --> 00:03:04,385
I thought we were going
to be together forever,
78
00:03:04,452 --> 00:03:06,320
like you and Charlie.
(sobs)
79
00:03:06,387 --> 00:03:10,157
CHARLIE:
Hard to believe somebody
got tired of doing her.
80
00:03:12,025 --> 00:03:15,128
Ooh, French fries look good.
81
00:03:15,195 --> 00:03:16,997
Why did I order
the baked potato?
82
00:03:18,232 --> 00:03:22,002
Isn't that right,
Charlie?
Absolutely.
83
00:03:22,069 --> 00:03:24,772
Now, is this the one
who's the old college roommate?
84
00:03:24,838 --> 00:03:26,974
I should really listen more.
85
00:03:27,040 --> 00:03:29,243
I mean, I knew he
was insensitive...
86
00:03:29,310 --> 00:03:31,078
Boy, I bet,
if they were roommates,
87
00:03:31,144 --> 00:03:34,114
they did some experimenting.
88
00:03:34,181 --> 00:03:36,450
Why is it that girls
can experiment with other girls
89
00:03:36,517 --> 00:03:38,386
and not be gay, but if a guy
90
00:03:38,452 --> 00:03:40,988
so as much kisses another guy--
woop, bad memory.
91
00:03:41,054 --> 00:03:43,123
Drink... drink, drink, drink.
92
00:03:43,190 --> 00:03:46,260
So you're just all alone
in that big apartment?
93
00:03:46,327 --> 00:03:48,329
He even took the dog.
94
00:03:48,396 --> 00:03:49,630
Bastard.
95
00:03:49,697 --> 00:03:51,765
What? It's my first drink.
96
00:03:51,832 --> 00:03:53,066
Not you.
97
00:03:53,133 --> 00:03:54,167
Brian took Rufus.
98
00:03:54,234 --> 00:03:55,403
Oh.
99
00:03:55,469 --> 00:03:57,137
Who's Rufus?
100
00:03:57,204 --> 00:03:59,807
For that matter, who's Brian?
101
00:03:59,873 --> 00:04:02,543
Life of Brian--
that was pretty funny.
102
00:04:02,610 --> 00:04:04,978
Brian's Song, not so much.
103
00:04:05,045 --> 00:04:07,781
James Caan
was great in it, though.
104
00:04:07,848 --> 00:04:09,817
That's 'cause he's
a great actor.
105
00:04:09,883 --> 00:04:11,952
The Godfather, Rollerball...
106
00:04:12,019 --> 00:04:16,990
Yeah, I can so see these two
kissing in a dorm room.
107
00:04:17,057 --> 00:04:19,126
That's really sweet,
but I couldn't impose.
108
00:04:19,192 --> 00:04:20,060
We insist.
109
00:04:20,127 --> 00:04:21,429
Right, Charlie?
Absolutely.
110
00:04:21,495 --> 00:04:23,597
CHELSEA:
There.
111
00:04:23,664 --> 00:04:26,133
You'll come stay with us
for a few days and heal.
112
00:04:26,199 --> 00:04:27,701
I don't know what to say.
113
00:04:27,768 --> 00:04:28,702
Say yes.
114
00:04:28,769 --> 00:04:30,771
Um... yes.
115
00:04:30,838 --> 00:04:32,306
Good.
116
00:04:32,373 --> 00:04:33,607
After dinner, we can
go back to her apartment
117
00:04:33,674 --> 00:04:35,543
so she can pack a bag.
Absolutely.
118
00:04:35,609 --> 00:04:37,845
You'll love
Charlie's place.
119
00:04:37,911 --> 00:04:38,846
It's right on the sand.
120
00:04:38,912 --> 00:04:40,848
Very quiet, restful.
121
00:04:40,914 --> 00:04:43,617
Dear Penthouse Forum...
122
00:04:43,684 --> 00:04:46,320
I always thought your letters
were made up,
123
00:04:46,387 --> 00:04:47,655
until my fiancée's
college roommate
124
00:04:47,721 --> 00:04:49,790
came to stay with us
for a few days.
125
00:04:49,857 --> 00:04:50,658
Right, Charlie?
126
00:04:50,724 --> 00:04:52,693
Absolutely.
127
00:04:53,827 --> 00:04:55,929
* Men. *
128
00:04:55,996 --> 00:04:57,565
(electric razor buzzing)
129
00:04:57,631 --> 00:04:59,266
Hey, Alan?
130
00:05:01,902 --> 00:05:03,337
Alan?
131
00:05:03,404 --> 00:05:04,438
(razor turns off)
132
00:05:04,505 --> 00:05:06,707
ALAN:
Be right there.
133
00:05:08,776 --> 00:05:10,844
What's up?
(clears throat)
134
00:05:15,683 --> 00:05:17,017
What were you doing?
135
00:05:17,084 --> 00:05:18,886
Um, shaving.
136
00:05:18,952 --> 00:05:20,521
At night?
137
00:05:20,588 --> 00:05:23,624
Well, not so much shaving
as... trimming.
138
00:05:25,025 --> 00:05:26,660
So, uh, how was dinner?
139
00:05:27,761 --> 00:05:29,296
Forget dinner.
140
00:05:29,363 --> 00:05:31,565
Please tell me you
weren't using my razor.
141
00:05:31,632 --> 00:05:33,333
Mine doesn't have
the floating heads.
142
00:05:35,235 --> 00:05:36,404
I don't believe you.
143
00:05:36,470 --> 00:05:38,406
I put that thing on my face.
144
00:05:38,472 --> 00:05:41,108
I was going to clean it
before I gave it back.
145
00:05:41,174 --> 00:05:43,744
I-I don't want it back!
146
00:05:43,811 --> 00:05:44,812
Really?
147
00:05:44,878 --> 00:05:46,013
Yeah. Yeah, it's yours.
148
00:05:46,079 --> 00:05:47,347
Merry Christmas.
149
00:05:47,415 --> 00:05:48,382
Thank you.
150
00:05:48,449 --> 00:05:50,751
But this is just
a stocking stuffer, right?
151
00:05:50,818 --> 00:05:53,220
I mean, you are going
to get me a real present, too.
152
00:05:53,286 --> 00:05:55,255
A real present?
153
00:05:55,322 --> 00:05:58,325
Well, you obviously didn't put
much thought into this one.
154
00:05:59,927 --> 00:06:01,529
Good night, Alan.
155
00:06:01,595 --> 00:06:03,263
Good night.
156
00:06:06,133 --> 00:06:07,067
Oh, I almost forgot.
157
00:06:07,134 --> 00:06:08,368
Pack up your stuff
and get out.
158
00:06:09,737 --> 00:06:12,606
Okay, okay, the razor
can be my Christmas present.
159
00:06:12,673 --> 00:06:15,976
No, no, no, Chelsea's girlfriend
is staying here for a few days,
160
00:06:16,043 --> 00:06:17,578
so you're going to sleep
on the couch.
161
00:06:17,645 --> 00:06:18,846
Why don't you put her
in Jake's room
162
00:06:18,912 --> 00:06:20,313
and have Jake sleep
on the couch?
163
00:06:20,380 --> 00:06:21,715
Fair question.
Why don't you trim
164
00:06:21,782 --> 00:06:23,551
your ball hair
with a steak knife?
165
00:06:28,021 --> 00:06:29,690
* Men. *
166
00:06:29,757 --> 00:06:32,626
I feel bad kicking your brother
out of his room.
167
00:06:32,693 --> 00:06:35,563
Well, that's only because
you don't know him.
168
00:06:37,364 --> 00:06:39,967
A little chamomile tea,
help you sleep.
169
00:06:40,033 --> 00:06:42,603
Chelsea, I can't
thank you enough.
170
00:06:42,670 --> 00:06:43,837
Don't be silly.
171
00:06:43,904 --> 00:06:46,474
I know what it feels like
to have my heart broken.
172
00:06:46,540 --> 00:06:49,142
Me, too.
173
00:06:49,209 --> 00:06:51,278
You know, theoretically.
174
00:06:52,212 --> 00:06:53,947
Well, I'm grateful
to you both.
175
00:06:54,014 --> 00:06:55,716
And we're grateful to you.
176
00:06:57,217 --> 00:07:00,287
You know, theoretically.
177
00:07:01,455 --> 00:07:03,390
Anyway, tomorrow,
you can sleep in,
178
00:07:03,457 --> 00:07:05,358
take a nice, long walk
on the beach...
179
00:07:05,425 --> 00:07:07,828
CHARLIE:
I've been a really good
boyfriend tonight.
180
00:07:07,895 --> 00:07:10,698
Chelsea should do
something nice for me.
181
00:07:12,165 --> 00:07:14,401
Like make out with Gail.
182
00:07:15,469 --> 00:07:18,238
Okay, I put fresh sheets
on the bed.
183
00:07:18,305 --> 00:07:19,206
Alan, this is my
friend Gail.
184
00:07:19,272 --> 00:07:20,474
Gail, this is Alan.
185
00:07:20,541 --> 00:07:23,076
I'm so sorry
to put you out like this,
186
00:07:23,143 --> 00:07:24,144
(fading out):
but your brother said...
187
00:07:24,211 --> 00:07:27,147
ALAN:
Gorp.Fnark. Schmegle.
188
00:07:28,682 --> 00:07:31,719
Oh, God, I've been waiting
for you all my life.
189
00:07:31,785 --> 00:07:33,220
(no audio)
190
00:07:33,286 --> 00:07:34,888
Marry me. Have my children.
191
00:07:34,955 --> 00:07:36,389
(no audio)
192
00:07:36,456 --> 00:07:38,892
...It's really very generous
of you.
193
00:07:38,959 --> 00:07:40,327
Gorp.
194
00:07:40,393 --> 00:07:41,595
Fnark.
195
00:07:41,662 --> 00:07:44,164
Schmegle.
196
00:07:44,231 --> 00:07:46,567
Come on,
I'll show you the room.
197
00:07:52,272 --> 00:07:55,408
(humming "Here Comes the Bride"
in head)
198
00:07:58,245 --> 00:08:00,981
(humming funky guitar line
in head)
199
00:08:15,095 --> 00:08:17,330
Chelsea?
200
00:08:29,409 --> 00:08:31,444
Chelsea?
201
00:08:33,046 --> 00:08:35,448
(woman crying)
202
00:08:40,554 --> 00:08:42,455
(crying continues)
203
00:08:46,727 --> 00:08:48,729
Chels, you in there?
204
00:08:48,796 --> 00:08:49,963
CHELSEA:
It's okay, Charlie.
205
00:08:50,030 --> 00:08:51,431
Come on in.
206
00:08:52,532 --> 00:08:54,467
(crying)
207
00:08:58,906 --> 00:09:00,407
Everything all right?
208
00:09:00,473 --> 00:09:01,775
She's pretty upset.
209
00:09:01,842 --> 00:09:04,878
I'm sorry I'm such
a basket case.
210
00:09:04,945 --> 00:09:05,913
Oh, please.
211
00:09:05,979 --> 00:09:08,548
We're here for you, baby.
212
00:09:08,616 --> 00:09:10,017
Right, Charlie?
213
00:09:10,083 --> 00:09:12,152
Absolutely.
214
00:09:14,655 --> 00:09:17,591
I guess I'll... leave
you two alone.
215
00:09:17,658 --> 00:09:19,793
You don't have to go.
216
00:09:23,731 --> 00:09:24,765
I don't?
217
00:09:25,565 --> 00:09:27,935
Not unless you want to.
218
00:09:29,036 --> 00:09:30,237
CHARLIE:
Gorp.
219
00:09:30,303 --> 00:09:31,972
Fnark. Schmegle.
220
00:09:33,073 --> 00:09:34,241
Come on, Charlie.
221
00:09:34,307 --> 00:09:36,409
We all know what
you really want to do.
222
00:09:36,476 --> 00:09:38,612
We do?
223
00:09:38,679 --> 00:09:40,648
We do.
224
00:09:41,949 --> 00:09:43,617
Come here. Join us.
225
00:09:47,788 --> 00:09:50,457
Uh, okay.
226
00:09:58,165 --> 00:10:01,534
So... what now?
227
00:10:02,435 --> 00:10:03,937
Do I really need
to tell you?
228
00:10:04,004 --> 00:10:07,675
We'd probably be better off
if you did.
229
00:10:08,575 --> 00:10:10,577
Okay.
230
00:10:10,644 --> 00:10:13,681
I want you
to make Gail happy.
231
00:10:17,818 --> 00:10:19,319
And you're on board?
232
00:10:19,386 --> 00:10:21,354
It was my idea.
233
00:10:21,421 --> 00:10:24,557
Don't worry-- she and I
have done this before.
234
00:10:24,624 --> 00:10:25,926
In college.
235
00:10:25,993 --> 00:10:28,128
I knew it.
236
00:10:32,299 --> 00:10:36,469
Okay, let's turn that frown
upside down.
237
00:10:38,338 --> 00:10:40,974
That's a good boy.
238
00:10:41,041 --> 00:10:43,110
Hey, Chels?
Yeah, babe?
239
00:10:43,176 --> 00:10:45,112
This is a dream, right?
240
00:10:45,178 --> 00:10:46,880
Of course it's a dream.
241
00:10:46,947 --> 00:10:49,482
You think I'm really gonna let
you sleep with my best friend?
242
00:10:50,383 --> 00:10:53,286
Well, in that case, hang on.
243
00:10:53,353 --> 00:10:57,157
'Cause I'm gonna do some
real freaky stuff here.
244
00:11:04,564 --> 00:11:05,498
* Men. *
245
00:11:14,307 --> 00:11:16,409
Yowza.
246
00:11:16,476 --> 00:11:18,712
Excuse me.
247
00:11:18,779 --> 00:11:20,748
I brought you some
fresh towels, Gail.
248
00:11:20,814 --> 00:11:23,083
Oh, aren't you sweet.
249
00:11:23,150 --> 00:11:24,885
Sure, sweet.
250
00:11:24,952 --> 00:11:27,187
Go smell his room.
251
00:11:29,256 --> 00:11:30,257
Morning.
252
00:11:30,323 --> 00:11:31,925
Good, you're up.
253
00:11:31,992 --> 00:11:33,393
I made you some toast.
254
00:11:33,460 --> 00:11:34,594
Here's your orange
juice.
255
00:11:34,661 --> 00:11:35,562
Oh, thank you, honey.
256
00:11:35,628 --> 00:11:36,997
I'll see you later.
257
00:11:37,064 --> 00:11:39,632
Wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, you're leaving?
258
00:11:39,699 --> 00:11:41,334
I told you I have to go
in to work today.
259
00:11:41,401 --> 00:11:43,370
But what about Gail?
260
00:11:43,436 --> 00:11:44,805
She can take care of herself.
261
00:11:44,872 --> 00:11:47,007
I think she's already
made a new friend.
262
00:11:47,074 --> 00:11:48,608
Yeah, I saw.
263
00:11:48,675 --> 00:11:50,811
You don't think he's got a shot,
do you?
264
00:11:50,878 --> 00:11:52,412
Charlie, you're horrible.
265
00:11:52,479 --> 00:11:53,713
I was joking.
266
00:11:53,781 --> 00:11:55,082
So how long are you
going to be gone?
267
00:11:55,148 --> 00:11:56,549
I'll be home for dinner--
I thought maybe
268
00:11:56,616 --> 00:11:57,985
I'd pick up
some Chinese food,
269
00:11:58,051 --> 00:11:59,987
and we could stay in
and...
Is she nuts?
270
00:12:00,053 --> 00:12:02,589
I can't be trusted alone
with that chick.
271
00:12:02,655 --> 00:12:05,793
Wait, maybe this is a test.
272
00:12:05,859 --> 00:12:06,760
A trap.
273
00:12:06,827 --> 00:12:07,961
The two of them are in cahoots
274
00:12:08,028 --> 00:12:10,363
to find out
if I'll make a move.
275
00:12:10,430 --> 00:12:13,400
Cahoots, that's a funny word.
276
00:12:13,466 --> 00:12:16,203
Sounds like an owl sneezing.
277
00:12:16,269 --> 00:12:19,039
Ca-ca-ca-cahoots!
278
00:12:19,106 --> 00:12:20,673
So, I'll call you later.
279
00:12:20,740 --> 00:12:22,242
Absolutely.
280
00:12:23,310 --> 00:12:25,212
Morning, Alan.
281
00:12:25,278 --> 00:12:27,147
Oh, uh, morning.
282
00:12:27,214 --> 00:12:28,982
Thank you again for letting
Gail have your room.
283
00:12:29,049 --> 00:12:30,450
Oh, don't be silly.
Happy to do it.
284
00:12:30,517 --> 00:12:31,952
Uh, mi casa, her casa.
285
00:12:32,019 --> 00:12:33,586
It's actually his casa,
286
00:12:33,653 --> 00:12:36,824
but the dehumidifier and
the night-light belong to me.
287
00:12:36,890 --> 00:12:38,125
Still very nice of you.
288
00:12:38,191 --> 00:12:39,126
See ya later.
289
00:12:41,461 --> 00:12:43,030
What you got going on today?
290
00:12:43,096 --> 00:12:45,732
Going to play a little tennis
in 1958?
291
00:12:45,799 --> 00:12:47,734
This old thing?
292
00:12:47,801 --> 00:12:49,937
This is just my
knock-around clothes.
293
00:12:50,003 --> 00:12:52,105
So, what's the story on Gail?
294
00:12:52,172 --> 00:12:53,173
Bad breakup?
295
00:12:53,240 --> 00:12:54,174
Something like that.
296
00:12:54,241 --> 00:12:55,308
So, she's on the rebound.
297
00:12:55,375 --> 00:12:56,776
Where you going with this, Alan?
298
00:12:56,844 --> 00:12:58,745
Oh, nowhere,
I'm just curious about her.
299
00:12:58,812 --> 00:13:00,613
And, you know,
when we met last night,
300
00:13:00,680 --> 00:13:02,182
I-I sensed a little spark
between us.
301
00:13:02,249 --> 00:13:03,716
If there was a spark,
302
00:13:03,783 --> 00:13:06,719
it's only 'cause she was
warming up her Taser.
303
00:13:06,786 --> 00:13:08,989
Ha-ha, very funny.
304
00:13:09,056 --> 00:13:10,991
Alan, trust me, the only way
you're gonna
305
00:13:11,058 --> 00:13:13,360
hook up with someone like Gail
is in your dreams.
306
00:13:13,426 --> 00:13:14,627
Already did.
307
00:13:15,595 --> 00:13:16,864
Really? Was Chelsea there?
308
00:13:16,930 --> 00:13:19,432
No! Good Lord!
How creepy would that be?
309
00:13:22,669 --> 00:13:24,404
Well, regardless,
forget about Gail.
310
00:13:24,471 --> 00:13:28,075
Potato head out there has
a better shot than you do.
311
00:13:28,141 --> 00:13:29,910
You know, I've got a nephew
about your age.
312
00:13:29,977 --> 00:13:31,644
You should meet him.
He plays guitar, too.
313
00:13:31,711 --> 00:13:32,812
Maybe you guys
could jam sometime.
314
00:13:32,880 --> 00:13:35,748
Oh... boobies.
315
00:13:35,815 --> 00:13:37,985
(no audio)
316
00:13:39,619 --> 00:13:41,621
Hey, for your information,
317
00:13:41,688 --> 00:13:43,891
there is a very good chance
that a woman like that
318
00:13:43,957 --> 00:13:45,492
is tired of rich, handsome,
successful guys
319
00:13:45,558 --> 00:13:47,527
who have their own homes
and recently built cars.
320
00:13:47,594 --> 00:13:48,962
You really believe that?
321
00:13:49,029 --> 00:13:51,664
I have to.
322
00:13:51,731 --> 00:13:52,765
Woof!
323
00:13:52,832 --> 00:13:54,201
Who's that?
324
00:13:54,267 --> 00:13:55,568
Chelsea's friend.
325
00:13:55,635 --> 00:13:57,070
She's going through
a bad breakup
326
00:13:57,137 --> 00:13:58,705
so she's going to stay here
for a few days...
327
00:13:58,771 --> 00:14:01,674
Hmph! Too bad
I prefer the fellas.
328
00:14:03,743 --> 00:14:06,679
Then again, I can always
draw a moustache on her.
329
00:14:09,282 --> 00:14:11,718
* Men. *
330
00:14:14,321 --> 00:14:16,456
(crying)
331
00:14:20,660 --> 00:14:23,596
Alan?
332
00:14:23,663 --> 00:14:25,598
Jake?
333
00:14:25,665 --> 00:14:27,834
Berta?
334
00:14:27,901 --> 00:14:29,869
(crying continues)
335
00:14:29,937 --> 00:14:31,838
Oh, boy.
336
00:14:31,905 --> 00:14:35,375
Although, maybe this
is another dream.
337
00:14:39,612 --> 00:14:41,514
(sniffling)
338
00:14:44,217 --> 00:14:46,186
Gail, you okay?
339
00:14:46,253 --> 00:14:47,654
(crying):
I'm fine.
340
00:14:47,720 --> 00:14:49,256
Good. Good.
341
00:14:49,322 --> 00:14:50,323
I'm going to run some errands.
342
00:14:50,390 --> 00:14:52,159
Can I get you anything
while I'm out?
343
00:14:52,225 --> 00:14:54,394
A reason to live.
344
00:14:56,997 --> 00:14:58,932
All righty.
345
00:14:58,999 --> 00:15:01,101
(crying continues)
346
00:15:04,972 --> 00:15:06,940
Coming in.
347
00:15:07,007 --> 00:15:09,376
(crying continues)
348
00:15:09,442 --> 00:15:11,178
Sorry.
349
00:15:11,244 --> 00:15:13,180
I just got some bad news.
350
00:15:13,246 --> 00:15:14,847
What happened?
351
00:15:14,914 --> 00:15:16,416
My boyfriend...
352
00:15:16,483 --> 00:15:17,750
Rufus?
353
00:15:17,817 --> 00:15:19,919
That's my dog.
354
00:15:19,987 --> 00:15:21,488
Oh, yeah.
355
00:15:21,554 --> 00:15:22,522
He's okay, right?
356
00:15:22,589 --> 00:15:24,357
He's fine.
357
00:15:24,424 --> 00:15:27,560
I just found out Brian is
already seeing someone else.
358
00:15:27,627 --> 00:15:29,296
No.
359
00:15:29,362 --> 00:15:30,863
I mean, we just broke up
360
00:15:30,930 --> 00:15:33,333
and he's already sleeping
with another woman?
361
00:15:33,400 --> 00:15:35,368
The pig!
362
00:15:35,435 --> 00:15:38,171
I thought we had something.
363
00:15:38,238 --> 00:15:39,239
(sniffling)
364
00:15:39,306 --> 00:15:41,108
He always said
I was his soul mate
365
00:15:41,174 --> 00:15:42,809
and that he wanted
to spend the rest
366
00:15:42,875 --> 00:15:43,643
of his life
with me...
367
00:15:43,710 --> 00:15:45,445
This can't be a dream.
368
00:15:45,512 --> 00:15:48,248
She's still got her clothes on.
369
00:15:48,315 --> 00:15:51,384
And she's talking.
370
00:15:51,451 --> 00:15:54,087
Why can't I find a
nice guy like you?
371
00:15:54,154 --> 00:15:57,024
Absolutely.
372
00:15:57,090 --> 00:16:00,427
Maybe Chelsea would
let me borrow you.
373
00:16:00,493 --> 00:16:03,096
(wry chuckle)
374
00:16:05,832 --> 00:16:07,934
Excuse me, gotta pee.
375
00:16:10,170 --> 00:16:12,939
Oh, crap, crap, crap, crap,
crap, crap, crap, crap.
376
00:16:13,006 --> 00:16:14,674
Here you go.
Thanks.
377
00:16:14,741 --> 00:16:16,876
I don't know how much longer
I can hold out.
378
00:16:16,943 --> 00:16:20,013
I hear you.
379
00:16:20,080 --> 00:16:21,781
What?
380
00:16:21,848 --> 00:16:23,483
Nothing.
381
00:16:23,550 --> 00:16:24,851
I gotta get Gail out of here
382
00:16:24,917 --> 00:16:27,354
before I do something
I'm going to regret.
383
00:16:27,420 --> 00:16:29,556
You know, after
I thoroughly enjoy it.
384
00:16:30,790 --> 00:16:32,992
Just tell her to leave.
385
00:16:33,060 --> 00:16:34,127
I can't do that.
386
00:16:34,194 --> 00:16:35,928
She's Chelsea's best friend.
387
00:16:35,995 --> 00:16:37,430
They were college roommates.
388
00:16:37,497 --> 00:16:38,465
Really?
389
00:16:40,033 --> 00:16:41,734
You think they experimented?
390
00:16:41,801 --> 00:16:43,270
Oh, yeah.
391
00:16:44,337 --> 00:16:46,273
(both chuckle)
392
00:16:49,676 --> 00:16:53,080
I gotta figure out a way to get
Gail to leave on her own.
393
00:16:53,146 --> 00:16:55,148
You got the perfect tool
for the job.
394
00:16:55,215 --> 00:16:56,883
What are you talking about?
395
00:16:56,949 --> 00:16:58,885
The one tool that's guaranteed
396
00:16:58,951 --> 00:17:00,620
to drive any woman
out of your house.
397
00:17:00,687 --> 00:17:02,822
Hello.
398
00:17:04,091 --> 00:17:07,094
Oh, look,
it's an Allen wrench.
399
00:17:10,697 --> 00:17:12,332
What was that about?
400
00:17:12,399 --> 00:17:13,733
Nothing. Nothing.
401
00:17:13,800 --> 00:17:15,902
I was just telling Berta
that maybe I was wrong
402
00:17:15,968 --> 00:17:17,770
about you not having
a shot with Gail.
403
00:17:17,837 --> 00:17:18,805
Why?
Did she say something?
404
00:17:18,871 --> 00:17:20,207
Did she ask about me?
405
00:17:20,273 --> 00:17:21,841
How would you feel
about a double wedding?
406
00:17:21,908 --> 00:17:23,710
I mean, as long
as you're paying for one.
407
00:17:23,776 --> 00:17:25,712
Slow down, slow down.
408
00:17:25,778 --> 00:17:27,714
Nobody said anything.
409
00:17:27,780 --> 00:17:30,183
I just realized
I might've been jealous
410
00:17:30,250 --> 00:17:32,619
'cause she's so beautiful
and if I can't have her,
411
00:17:32,685 --> 00:17:34,254
I didn't want you
to have her either.
412
00:17:34,321 --> 00:17:37,124
Yeah, I was thinking
it might be that.
413
00:17:38,091 --> 00:17:40,026
Anyway, it's not fair for me
414
00:17:40,093 --> 00:17:41,561
to stand in the way
of your happiness.
415
00:17:41,628 --> 00:17:43,062
Really?
416
00:17:43,130 --> 00:17:44,597
I always thought that was one
of your favorite things.
417
00:17:44,664 --> 00:17:45,998
Do you want to pick nits
418
00:17:46,065 --> 00:17:47,167
or do you want to go talk
to a beautiful woman
419
00:17:47,234 --> 00:17:48,535
who's extremely vulnerable
420
00:17:48,601 --> 00:17:50,237
and may very well be looking
for revenge sex?
421
00:17:50,303 --> 00:17:51,838
I don't want revenge sex,
422
00:17:51,904 --> 00:17:54,607
I want a loving relationship
that has depth and meaning
423
00:17:54,674 --> 00:17:56,909
and that will withstand
the test of time.
424
00:17:56,976 --> 00:17:57,944
Oh, that's good.
425
00:17:58,010 --> 00:17:59,279
I'd lead with that.
426
00:17:59,346 --> 00:18:00,347
You think?
427
00:18:00,413 --> 00:18:02,282
Oh, yeah, go get her.
428
00:18:02,349 --> 00:18:03,550
All right.
429
00:18:03,616 --> 00:18:04,517
All right. Wish me luck.
430
00:18:04,584 --> 00:18:06,253
You don't need luck.
431
00:18:06,319 --> 00:18:08,488
You've got the exact skills
needed to get this job done.
432
00:18:08,555 --> 00:18:09,489
Thanks, Charlie.
433
00:18:09,556 --> 00:18:13,059
You're a good brother.
434
00:18:13,126 --> 00:18:17,096
If he actually gets laid,
I'm going to hang myself.
435
00:18:19,098 --> 00:18:21,534
(knocking on door)
Come in.
436
00:18:21,601 --> 00:18:22,369
Hey, there.
437
00:18:22,435 --> 00:18:23,603
Hi, Alan.
438
00:18:23,670 --> 00:18:26,072
You, uh, up
for a little company?
439
00:18:26,139 --> 00:18:27,874
I guess.
440
00:18:29,776 --> 00:18:32,579
You know, it does
get easier.
441
00:18:32,645 --> 00:18:34,614
The wound does heal.
442
00:18:34,681 --> 00:18:36,583
I know. Thank you.
443
00:18:36,649 --> 00:18:38,318
I mean, it may not
feel like it now,
444
00:18:38,385 --> 00:18:41,388
but before too long, you'll
forget all about that fella
445
00:18:41,454 --> 00:18:44,624
who hurt you, because another
fella will be in your heart.
446
00:18:44,691 --> 00:18:47,894
A fella who'll
never hurt you.
447
00:18:49,429 --> 00:18:51,998
Who'll never leave
your side.
448
00:18:52,064 --> 00:18:54,801
A fella who wants
nothing more
449
00:18:54,867 --> 00:18:56,869
than to love you...
450
00:18:56,936 --> 00:19:00,039
GAIL:
Oh, dear God, no.
451
00:19:01,908 --> 00:19:03,643
Thanks for
your hospitality, Charlie,
452
00:19:03,710 --> 00:19:04,977
but I should get back home.
453
00:19:05,044 --> 00:19:06,846
Anytime.
So where'd we leave it?
454
00:19:06,913 --> 00:19:08,248
Uh, I'll call you,
you'll call me?
455
00:19:08,315 --> 00:19:09,916
I'll call you.
456
00:19:12,219 --> 00:19:14,187
So...
457
00:19:14,254 --> 00:19:17,357
how'd it go?
458
00:19:17,424 --> 00:19:19,158
You heard her.
459
00:19:19,226 --> 00:19:21,027
She's gonna call me.
460
00:19:24,931 --> 00:19:27,634
* Men. *
461
00:19:30,670 --> 00:19:32,405
You knew very well that
Gail was going through
a difficult time.
462
00:19:32,472 --> 00:19:33,306
So what do you do?
463
00:19:33,373 --> 00:19:34,474
You try to take
advantage,
464
00:19:34,541 --> 00:19:36,276
to-to exploit her
vulnerability...
465
00:19:36,343 --> 00:19:39,879
What is it about an angry woman
that I find so hot?
466
00:19:39,946 --> 00:19:41,414
(no audio)
467
00:19:41,481 --> 00:19:43,216
Even when that fat cashier
at the supermarket
468
00:19:43,283 --> 00:19:45,818
was yelling at me,
I got a little engorged.
469
00:19:45,885 --> 00:19:47,387
(no audio)
470
00:19:47,454 --> 00:19:50,623
Boy, if I could just find
somebody like Chelsea.
471
00:19:50,690 --> 00:19:53,660
I mean, look at her go.
472
00:19:53,726 --> 00:19:56,796
She's a real fireball.
473
00:19:56,863 --> 00:19:58,565
Speaking of fireballs,
474
00:19:58,631 --> 00:20:01,301
next time I manscape I should
probably skip the aftershave.
31701
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