Original subtitles

So, do either of you guys urinate with abnormal frequency?

No.

I mean, you gotta define abnormal.

And keep in mind the body

doesn't process alcohol efficiently.

Which is why your Uncle Charlie

is a perpetual urine machine.

Also keep in mind that your father

has the bladder control

of a frightened nine-year-old girl.

Which is why he needs to wear

two pairs of undies and a panty liner.

Only on long drives.

Oh, really?

How many times a night do you get up to pee?

Just once.

I can hear your toilet flush, Alan.

Okay, four times.

But at least I get out of bed to pee.

Hey, hey.

That was an isolated incident.

I was dreaming my shoes were on fire.

Does that answer your question, buddy?

Yeah.

And remind me to never ask another one.

Charlie? Yeah?

Why aren't you ready?

Ready for...?

You've got to be kidding me.

I've told you at least three times

we're having dinner with my girlfriend Gail tonight.

Excuse me, gotta pee.

I swear to God, you never listen

when I'm talking to you.

It's like you just tune me out.

You look like you're paying attention,

but your mind is a million miles away.

CHARLIE: Do I need to pee?

Nah.

I mean, I could.

Might be traffic.

Probably should pee.

Yeah, better pee.

Now we're going to be late, and I'm going

to be embarrassed all because you don't listen.

Boy, she's got great boobies.

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh

* Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * Ooh

* Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh... *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ooh * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ah. * Men. * Men.

* Men. *

So, Charlie, I've heard so many nice things about you.

Really? From who?

Hello.

Oh, right.

Thanks.

I guess I only hear the complaints.

You don't hear anything.

That's not true.

You're right. It's not.

He hears what he wants to hear.

So I'm right.

Well, you still make a great couple. Thank you.

And I'm really looking forward to your wedding.

(choking up): I'm sure it's going to be beautiful.

(whispering): What'd I do?

Nothing. I told you she's going through a bad breakup.

When did you tell me that?

In the car, on the way here.

God.

It's going to be okay.

I know. It's just hard.

I thought I knew him.

I thought we were going to be together forever,

like you and Charlie. (sobs)

CHARLIE: Hard to believe somebody got tired of doing her.

Ooh, French fries look good.

Why did I order the baked potato?

Isn't that right, Charlie? Absolutely.

Now, is this the one who's the old college roommate?

I should really listen more.

I mean, I knew he was insensitive...

Boy, I bet, if they were roommates,

they did some experimenting.

Why is it that girls can experiment with other girls

and not be gay, but if a guy

so as much kisses another guy-- woop, bad memory.

Drink... drink, drink, drink.

So you're just all alone in that big apartment?

He even took the dog.

Bastard.

What? It's my first drink.

Not you.

Brian took Rufus.

Oh.

Who's Rufus?

For that matter, who's Brian?

Life of Brian-- that was pretty funny.

Brian's Song, not so much.

James Caan was great in it, though.

That's 'cause he's a great actor.

The Godfather, Rollerball...

Yeah, I can so see these two kissing in a dorm room.

That's really sweet, but I couldn't impose.

We insist.

Right, Charlie? Absolutely.

CHELSEA: There.

You'll come stay with us for a few days and heal.

I don't know what to say.

Say yes.

Um... yes.

Good.

After dinner, we can go back to her apartment

so she can pack a bag. Absolutely.

You'll love Charlie's place.

It's right on the sand.

Very quiet, restful.

Dear Penthouse Forum...

I always thought your letters were made up,

until my fiancée's college roommate

came to stay with us for a few days.

Right, Charlie?

Absolutely.

* Men. *

(electric razor buzzing)

Hey, Alan?

Alan?

(razor turns off)

ALAN: Be right there.

What's up? (clears throat)

What were you doing?

Um, shaving.

At night?

Well, not so much shaving as... trimming.

So, uh, how was dinner?

Forget dinner.

Please tell me you weren't using my razor.

Mine doesn't have the floating heads.

I don't believe you.

I put that thing on my face.

I was going to clean it before I gave it back.

I-I don't want it back!

Really?

Yeah. Yeah, it's yours.

Merry Christmas.

Thank you.

But this is just a stocking stuffer, right?

I mean, you are going to get me a real present, too.

A real present?

Well, you obviously didn't put much thought into this one.

Good night, Alan.

Good night.

Oh, I almost forgot.

Pack up your stuff and get out.

Okay, okay, the razor can be my Christmas present.

No, no, no, Chelsea's girlfriend is staying here for a few days,

so you're going to sleep on the couch.

Why don't you put her in Jake's room

and have Jake sleep on the couch?

Fair question. Why don't you trim

your ball hair with a steak knife?

* Men. *

I feel bad kicking your brother out of his room.

Well, that's only because you don't know him.

A little chamomile tea, help you sleep.

Chelsea, I can't thank you enough.

Don't be silly.

I know what it feels like to have my heart broken.

Me, too.

You know, theoretically.

Well, I'm grateful to you both.

And we're grateful to you.

You know, theoretically.

Anyway, tomorrow, you can sleep in,

take a nice, long walk on the beach...

CHARLIE: I've been a really good boyfriend tonight.

Chelsea should do something nice for me.

Like make out with Gail.

Okay, I put fresh sheets on the bed.

Alan, this is my friend Gail.

Gail, this is Alan.

I'm so sorry to put you out like this,

(fading out): but your brother said...

ALAN: Gorp.Fnark. Schmegle.

Oh, God, I've been waiting for you all my life.

(no audio)

Marry me. Have my children.

(no audio)

...It's really very generous of you.

Gorp.

Fnark.

Schmegle.

Come on, I'll show you the room.

(humming "Here Comes the Bride" in head)

(humming funky guitar line in head)

Chelsea?

Chelsea?

(woman crying)

(crying continues)

Chels, you in there?

CHELSEA: It's okay, Charlie.

Come on in.

(crying)

Everything all right?

She's pretty upset.

I'm sorry I'm such a basket case.

Oh, please.

We're here for you, baby.

Right, Charlie?

Absolutely.

I guess I'll... leave you two alone.

You don't have to go.

I don't?

Not unless you want to.

CHARLIE: Gorp.

Fnark. Schmegle.

Come on, Charlie.

We all know what you really want to do.

We do?

We do.

Come here. Join us.

Uh, okay.

So... what now?

Do I really need to tell you?

We'd probably be better off if you did.

Okay.

I want you to make Gail happy.

And you're on board?

It was my idea.

Don't worry-- she and I have done this before.

In college.

I knew it.

Okay, let's turn that frown upside down.

That's a good boy.

Hey, Chels? Yeah, babe?

This is a dream, right?

Of course it's a dream.

You think I'm really gonna let you sleep with my best friend?

Well, in that case, hang on.

'Cause I'm gonna do some real freaky stuff here.

* Men. *

Yowza.

Excuse me.

I brought you some fresh towels, Gail.

Oh, aren't you sweet.

Sure, sweet.

Go smell his room.

Morning.

Good, you're up.

I made you some toast.

Here's your orange juice.

Oh, thank you, honey.

I'll see you later.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, you're leaving?

I told you I have to go in to work today.

But what about Gail?

She can take care of herself.

I think she's already made a new friend.

Yeah, I saw.

You don't think he's got a shot, do you?

Charlie, you're horrible.

I was joking.

So how long are you going to be gone?

I'll be home for dinner-- I thought maybe

I'd pick up some Chinese food,

and we could stay in and... Is she nuts?

I can't be trusted alone with that chick.

Wait, maybe this is a test.

A trap.

The two of them are in cahoots

to find out if I'll make a move.

Cahoots, that's a funny word.

Sounds like an owl sneezing.

Ca-ca-ca-cahoots!

So, I'll call you later.

Absolutely.

Morning, Alan.

Oh, uh, morning.

Thank you again for letting Gail have your room.

Oh, don't be silly. Happy to do it.

Uh, mi casa, her casa.

It's actually his casa,

but the dehumidifier and the night-light belong to me.

Still very nice of you.

See ya later.

What you got going on today?

Going to play a little tennis in 1958?

This old thing?

This is just my knock-around clothes.

So, what's the story on Gail?

Bad breakup?

Something like that.

So, she's on the rebound.

Where you going with this, Alan?

Oh, nowhere, I'm just curious about her.

And, you know, when we met last night,

I-I sensed a little spark between us.

If there was a spark,

it's only 'cause she was warming up her Taser.

Ha-ha, very funny.

Alan, trust me, the only way you're gonna

hook up with someone like Gail is in your dreams.

Already did.

Really? Was Chelsea there?

No! Good Lord! How creepy would that be?

Well, regardless, forget about Gail.

Potato head out there has a better shot than you do.

You know, I've got a nephew about your age.

You should meet him. He plays guitar, too.

Maybe you guys could jam sometime.

Oh... boobies.

(no audio)

Hey, for your information,

there is a very good chance that a woman like that

is tired of rich, handsome, successful guys

who have their own homes and recently built cars.

You really believe that?

I have to.

Woof!

Who's that?

Chelsea's friend.

She's going through a bad breakup

so she's going to stay here for a few days...

Hmph! Too bad I prefer the fellas.

Then again, I can always draw a moustache on her.

* Men. *

(crying)

Alan?

Jake?

Berta?

(crying continues)

Oh, boy.

Although, maybe this is another dream.

(sniffling)

Gail, you okay?

(crying): I'm fine.

Good. Good.

I'm going to run some errands.

Can I get you anything while I'm out?

A reason to live.

All righty.

(crying continues)

Coming in.

(crying continues)

Sorry.

I just got some bad news.

What happened?

My boyfriend...

Rufus?

That's my dog.

Oh, yeah.

He's okay, right?

He's fine.

I just found out Brian is already seeing someone else.

No.

I mean, we just broke up

and he's already sleeping with another woman?

The pig!

I thought we had something.

(sniffling)

He always said I was his soul mate

and that he wanted to spend the rest

of his life with me...

This can't be a dream.

She's still got her clothes on.

And she's talking.

Why can't I find a nice guy like you?

Absolutely.

Maybe Chelsea would let me borrow you.

(wry chuckle)

Excuse me, gotta pee.

Oh, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap.

Here you go. Thanks.

I don't know how much longer I can hold out.

I hear you.

What?

Nothing.

I gotta get Gail out of here

before I do something I'm going to regret.

You know, after I thoroughly enjoy it.

Just tell her to leave.

I can't do that.

She's Chelsea's best friend.

They were college roommates.

Really?

You think they experimented?

Oh, yeah.

(both chuckle)

I gotta figure out a way to get Gail to leave on her own.

You got the perfect tool for the job.

What are you talking about?

The one tool that's guaranteed

to drive any woman out of your house.

Hello.

Oh, look, it's an Allen wrench.

What was that about?

Nothing. Nothing.

I was just telling Berta that maybe I was wrong

about you not having a shot with Gail.

Why? Did she say something?

Did she ask about me?

How would you feel about a double wedding?

I mean, as long as you're paying for one.

Slow down, slow down.

Nobody said anything.

I just realized I might've been jealous

'cause she's so beautiful and if I can't have her,

I didn't want you to have her either.

Yeah, I was thinking it might be that.

Anyway, it's not fair for me

to stand in the way of your happiness.

Really?

I always thought that was one of your favorite things.

Do you want to pick nits

or do you want to go talk to a beautiful woman

who's extremely vulnerable

and may very well be looking for revenge sex?

I don't want revenge sex,

I want a loving relationship that has depth and meaning

and that will withstand the test of time.

Oh, that's good.

I'd lead with that.

You think?

Oh, yeah, go get her.

All right.

All right. Wish me luck.

You don't need luck.

You've got the exact skills needed to get this job done.

Thanks, Charlie.

You're a good brother.

If he actually gets laid, I'm going to hang myself.

(knocking on door) Come in.

Hey, there.

Hi, Alan.

You, uh, up for a little company?

I guess.

You know, it does get easier.

The wound does heal.

I know. Thank you.

I mean, it may not feel like it now,

but before too long, you'll forget all about that fella

who hurt you, because another fella will be in your heart.

A fella who'll never hurt you.

Who'll never leave your side.

A fella who wants nothing more

than to love you...

GAIL: Oh, dear God, no.

Thanks for your hospitality, Charlie,

but I should get back home.

Anytime. So where'd we leave it?

Uh, I'll call you, you'll call me?

I'll call you.

So...

how'd it go?

You heard her.

She's gonna call me.

* Men. *

You knew very well that Gail was going through a difficult time.

So what do you do?

You try to take advantage,

to-to exploit her vulnerability...

What is it about an angry woman that I find so hot?

(no audio)

Even when that fat cashier at the supermarket

was yelling at me, I got a little engorged.

(no audio)

Boy, if I could just find somebody like Chelsea.

I mean, look at her go.

She's a real fireball.

Speaking of fireballs,

next time I manscape I should probably skip the aftershave.