All language subtitles for Two and a Half Men (2003) - S07E07 - Untainted by Filth (1080p AMZN WEB-DL x265 RCVR)

* Men. *

Who wants more potatoes?

Hit me.

Uh, Chelsea, the way
it's supposed to work here

is that Berta serves us dinner.

I don't mind.

Hear that? She doesn't mind.

Shut up.

EVELYN:
We're back!

Hey, how'd it go?

I don't know
what you were worried about.

Your son is a wonderful driver.

Oh, well, thanks
for taking him, Mom.

He needs the practice.

Mmm, pork chops.

What are you wearing?

Grandma bought it for me.

Pretty cool, huh?

You made him dress up
as a chauffeur?

He loves it.

Don't get grease on
that jacket, dear.

Yes, Miss Evelyn.

Would you like to join
us for dinner?

Oh, no, thanks, I
had a late lunch.

And she sent a piece of pie
out to the car,

so I could eat, too.

Anyway, I better
get going.

Well, thanks again, Mom.

Say thanks to Grandma.

Thank you, Miss Evelyn.

Good to see you.
You, too.

Oh, I almost forgot.

Have you two set a
wedding date yet?

No.

We haven't.

But we're gonna.

Well, it just so happens
that a client of mine

schedules the weddings
for the Bel Air Hotel,

and she told me that
there was a cancellation

for the weekend
of June 26.

The Bel Air Hotel?
In June.

Charlie, the Bel Air Hotel.

In June.

Yeah, I heard.

Wow.

What do ya think?

Gee, I don't know.

We hadn't talked about a date.

Boy, it's almost impossible

to get a June date
at the Bel Air Hotel.

Thank you, Alan.

Judith and I had to get married
at the Sportsmen's Lodge

in November on the Wednesday
before Thanksgiving.

Yes, I remember the Indian
corn centerpieces.

Oh, Charlie, I've always
dreamed of getting married

at the Bel Air in the garden
with the swans.

Yeah, but keep in mind
those birds are vicious.

They look pretty, but they'll
peck your eye right out.

Besides, I thought if we
had the wedding here,

the money we save could pay
for a nice long honeymoon.

Yeah, I guess that's
probably smarter.

Shame on you, Charles.

Depriving your fiancée
of her dream wedding.

Especially considering
all the money you blew

on hooch and whores
over the years.

Thank you, Berta.

Tell you what--

the wedding at the Bel Air
will be my gift to you.

Are you serious?

Gee, Mom, thanks, but that's
a little too generous.

A little?!
All she gave Judith and me

was a dinette set.

Yes, and who's eating
on that dinette set now?

That's not the point.

Charlie's marriage is just
as likely to fail as mine was.

Thanks again, bro.

Anyway,

I asked them to hold the date
for 24 hours.

So you can talk it over
and decide.

Thank you, Evelyn.
That is so sweet.

Well, I do have
an ulterior motive.

The sooner you two get married,

the sooner I'll have
more grandchildren.

Why? Does Miss Evelyn
need a cook

and a butler, too?

Let me know, dear.

I will.

The Bel Air Hotel.

In June.

Let's see ya get out
of this one, Houdini.

* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *

* Ah.
* Men.
* Men.

* Men. *

So, have you thought about
your mother's offer?

Yeah, I have.

I've got one question.

Why June?

What's wrong with getting
married in July?

Or the following October?

October is a perfectly
good month.

Birds all fly south,

so you don't have to worry
about swan attacks.

Charlie, if you don't want
to get married in June,

we don't have to.

What? No, no.

No, that's not what
I'm saying at all.

Where do you get
this stuff?

So?

So, what?

Do you want to get
married in June?

Oh, we're back on that.

Well, I can't think of
any good reason why not.

And believe me,
I'm trying.

So that's it?

We're getting married June 26
at the Bel Air Hotel?

I guess so.

Oh, Charlie, I'm so happy.

That's only because
you don't have a swan beak

in your eye socket yet.

I'm going to go
call your mom,

and then my mom and
then all my friends.

Good, good.

Alan, we're going to do it.

June 26 at the
Bel Air Hotel.

(squealing): Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

That's so wonderful!

I know! I gotta go
call everybody.

Congratulations.

Thanks.

Wow, the end of an era.

Guess so.

Well, you had a good run.

Yep.

But now it's over.

(whispering):
Forever.

Nothing's going to change, Alan.

Sure, I'm going to be married,

but I'm still going
to be the same guy

living in the same house
with the same woman.

Yes, yes, the same woman.

(whispering):
Forever.

Hey, can I be
the best man?

You'll need a sex change.

Where you going?

Out for a drink.

You can drink here.

I could, but I don't
want to vomit here.

Wait, wait, wait,
I'll go with you.

Why?
I'm not done poking at you.

Hey, shouldn't you ask the
ol' ball and chain first?

I don't need her permission.

Really?
Yes, really.

Although, it is considerate

to let your partner
know your plans,

so she won't worry.

Sweetie, I'm going out
for a drink with Alan, okay?

CHELSEA:
Sure! Have fun!

Thanks! Love you!

Shut up.

You're driving.

Wow.

Jake has one big-ass head.

* Men. *

All kidding aside,
she's a great girl

and I'm sure you're going
to be very happy.

Thanks.

(whispering):
Forever.

Are you done poking?

For the moment.

Boy, who would've figured
that of the two of us

I'd end up being the
carefree bachelor?

If by carefree,
you mean broke and lonely,

everybody would've figured.

Hi.

Hi.

Charlie.
Betsy.

I'm getting married
on June 26.

Good for you.

At the Bel Air Hotel.

Nice!

That means no matter
how easy you are,

I can't sleep with you.

I can. I'm Alan.

Can he buy you a drink?

* Men. *

(music playing over TV)

What you watching?

Um! Golf!

Don't sneak up on
a guy, all right?

Sorry.

Your dad watches
a lot of golf, too.

So, listen,

how'd you like to be
a groomsman in the wedding?

What do I gotta do?

You just walk down the aisle
with one of the bridesmaids

and stand with Charlie
during the ceremony.

(mutes audio)
Tell me more
about the bridesmaids.

They're friends of mine.

So, they're old.

No, not all of them.

I have a niece
who's about your age.

Is she pretty?

I think she's cute.

Okay, I know what that means.

She's not a brainiac,
is she?

What does that mean?

Well, I don't like
'em stupid,

but I don't like 'em talkin'
down to me either.

Got it.

And I like a little
junk in the trunk.

You won't be disappointed.

All right, I'm in.

(TV audio resumes)
Great.

ANNOUNCER:
...with about 200 yards...

You know, of all the women
my uncle's been with,

you're my favorite.

Oh, thank you.

And there's been a lot.

I know.

A whole lot.

Right.

Like, I'm betting
around a thousand.

Uh-huh.

And that's just since
I've been old enough
to pay attention.

No kidding.

When I first got here,
he told me

that they were coming over
to water the plants.

And I believed him.

What did I know?

Sure. You were young.

And naive, too.

We didn't have any plants.

And there were some
crazy ones, too.

I'll bet.

Your niece doesn't
have a license

to carry a concealed weapon,
does she?

No.

Good.

You should've seen where
this one girl hid hers.

* Men. *

(slurred):
Come to find out

that what I thought was
a boil on my neck

was actually a carbuncle.

Lovely.

Little known fact, uh,

carbuncles are technically
in the boil family,

but they take way
longer to drain.

Charlie, help me here.
I'm dying.

No, you're doing fine.

Tell her about your
hemorrhoids.

Please, I'm begging you.

All right.

No sense letting
my superpowers
go to waste.

(clears throat)

So, Dr. Harper,

are we still going
to Sun Valley

in your Gulf Stream
this weekend?

You own
your own trailer?

No, no, no, that's
an Airstream.

Dr. Harper has
a private jet.

Really?

Oh, yeah.

He needs one for
his work.

Hmm.

What do you do?

Uh, I am a chiropractor.

A chiropractor
without borders.

He travels the world

adjusting the backs of
starving children.

ALAN:
Yes, you...

you have to be, uh,
very careful, um,

because their little
bones are very brittle.

Wow.

You're amazing.

Nah, it's just my job.

(chuckles)

(whispering):
You're amazing.

It wasn't tough.

We had her at trailer.

Uh, another round.
On him.

* Men. *

(softly grunts)

(chuckles)

Uh-oh.

* Men. *

* Men. *

(whispering):
Charlie...

Charlie?!

Go away, Alan.

(whispering):
I really think you
need to wake up now.

Shh.

Chelsea's sleeping.

Perhaps, but not here.

Okay, what the hell
is your prob...?

Oh, dear.

(whispers):
What happened?

I don't know.

Who is she?

I don't know.

What the hell do you know, Alan?

I know we're in a
strange woman's bed,

together, naked.

(thudding)

Let's get the hell out of here.

Good idea.

Do you remember anything?

Well, I remember
we were in Pavlov's.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You were hitting on some chick.

Guess it worked.

Do you happen
to remember how I did it?

Alan, focus.

Okay, right, right.

I-I think there was something
about a-a trailer in Sun Valley.

Are we in Idaho?

No mountains, no snow.

Thank God.

Why are you wearing
my underwear?

Why are you wearing mine?

Oh, boy.

Let's just go.

Should we leave
her a little note?

What?!

You know, a thank you,
maybe my phone number.

Are you crazy?!
Just keep moving!

But she's cute,
and I'm gonna need

a plus one for
your wedding.

Oh, my God, my wedding.

You're right,
it could be awkward.

* Men. *

What have I done, Alan?

Less than 24 hours after
I set a date for my wedding,

I wake up in bed
with another woman.

And me.

You woke up in bed
with me, too.

(singing "The Stripper")

What the hell did we do
last night?

I wish I knew.

What am I gonna tell Chelsea?

Well, let-let's think.

I mean, maybe
there's an innocent explanation.

Oh, really?
And what might that be?

Okay, clearly,
we all had a bit much to drink.

Yeah.
And you and I,

being gentlemen,
escorted the lady home.

Mm-hmm.

She invited us in

for a cup of coffee to sober up.

Was that before or after
we switched underwear?

Let me finish.

Uh, so, we went
into her apartment and...

I don't know
what you're gonna tell Chelsea.

Here is what
you tell her.

Tell her you were detained
by the secret police,

strip-searched
and water-boarded.

Just drive.

Worked for me.

All right.

Here's what we're gonna do.

We're gonna forget
this night ever happened.

Good idea.

Giddy-up horsey,
giddy-up.

(neighing)

Of course, that may be
easier said than done.

* Men. *

(whispers):
Great.

No one's up yet.

All right, go to bed.

I'll see you later.

Charlie?

What?

You want your boxers back?

You keep 'em.

Really? Gee, thanks.

Oh, oh, Charlie?! Charlie?

Yeah?

Uh, if I put 'em in the laundry,

Berta will wash them
and give them back to you.

Then hand-wash 'em.

Of course.

Charlie?! Charlie?!

What?

Woolite or a mild detergent?

I don't care.

All right, no worries.
I'll check the label.

Oh, Charlie?

What?

Thanks for taking me out
with you tonight.

I had a really good time.

(sighs)

(clattering)

CHELSEA:
Charlie?

Yeah, babe?

Are you just getting home?

No, no... no,
I was a little drunk,

so I slept downstairs
for a while.

I didn't want
to disturb you.

Did you have a good time
with Alan?

Oh, come on, it was Alan.

How much fun could I have had?

* Happy birthday

* Mr. President

* Happy birthday

* To you.

Oh, you don't
mean that.

No, no.

We had an okay time.

Pretty forgettable.

I talked
to my parents last night.

They are so excited.

Not as excited as me.

I'm gonna make you
a great wife,
Charlie Harper.

I know.

And I'm gonna...

cut down on my drinking.

* Men. *

Boy, I don't
know, Chels.

I really like the white
roses for the centerpieces.

You don't think
it's too much?

No. No.

The rose symbolizes love, and
white symbolizes, you know,

the cleanness of that love.

Cleanness?

Yeah, yeah,
like purity or...

untainted by filth.

A white rose is a
rose you can trust.

And making it the
centerpiece is appropriate

because you're
my centerpiece.

You know, the piece that
supercedes all other pieces.

Are you still drunk?

Only with love.

(phone ringing)

Oh, it's my grandmother.

Hi, Grammy!

Yeah, it's gonna be
a June wedding.

Excuse me.

That's a terrible thing
to say, Grammy.

Besides,
I said "June," not "Jew."

Okay, what've you done?

Beg your pardon?

That sweet, naive hick
you're marrying might buy

this loving, cooperative
attitude, but not your mommy.

Hey, can't a fella
just be excited

about floral centerpieces?

A gay fella.

You're feeling guilty
about something.

What is it?

Nothing. I've got nothing
to feel guilty about.

Okay, okay, okay,
now you give him your underwear.

Charlie...?

I'm not really sure what I did.

So, a drunken escapade?

Is there another kind
of escapade?

Well, whatever you do,
don't tell Chelsea about it.

Confession may be good
for the soul,

but it's a hot lead enema
to a marriage.

I know, I know,

but I've got these freaky
memory flashes,

and I feel so guilty.

Trust me... those memories
will fade with time.

How do you know?

Let me tell you a story.

Many years ago,

The carpet king?

Well, I called him that.

Wasn't his occupation.

Anyway,
he was away on business,

and you and your brother were
in summer camp or somewhere,

and I...

Well, I was lonely, bored

and the circus was in town.

And when I woke up
in that Motel 6,

clown makeup smeared
all over my bosom,

I was alone.

The Chinese acrobats,
the strong man

and the little people
had moved on to the next town.

Oh, my God!

What did you do then?

Well, what could I do?

I showered, plucked the sequins
from my hoo-hoo...

...held my head up,
got on with my life.

And you never told
the carpet king?

No, of course not.

I loved him too much.

Your second stepfather
was the third best thing

that ever happened to me.

Behind me and Alan?

Sure.

* Men. *

I think some teenagers
are fooling around

under the deck again.

Really?

Yeah, I found a pair of men's
briefs by the side of the house.

Damn kids.

No respect for anything.

(sighs)

Listen, Chels...

we need to talk.

Something wrong?

Yeah.

What is it?

I got these... these
pictures in my head,

and I'm afraid if I don't
tell you about them,

they're gonna
drive me crazy.

Go ahead.

(sighs)

Well, what
happened was...

...my second stepfather
went on a business trip

while the circus
was in town.

Alan and I were at camp--

or someplace--

and my mother
was lonely....

* Men. *

(calliope music playing)

Shouldn't we leave her
a note?
Just keep walking.