Original subtitles

* Men. *

Who wants more potatoes?

Hit me.

Uh, Chelsea, the way it's supposed to work here

is that Berta serves us dinner.

I don't mind.

Hear that? She doesn't mind.

Shut up.

EVELYN: We're back!

Hey, how'd it go?

I don't know what you were worried about.

Your son is a wonderful driver.

Oh, well, thanks for taking him, Mom.

He needs the practice.

Mmm, pork chops.

What are you wearing?

Grandma bought it for me.

Pretty cool, huh?

You made him dress up as a chauffeur?

He loves it.

Don't get grease on that jacket, dear.

Yes, Miss Evelyn.

Would you like to join us for dinner?

Oh, no, thanks, I had a late lunch.

And she sent a piece of pie out to the car,

so I could eat, too.

Anyway, I better get going.

Well, thanks again, Mom.

Say thanks to Grandma.

Thank you, Miss Evelyn.

Good to see you. You, too.

Oh, I almost forgot.

Have you two set a wedding date yet?

No.

We haven't.

But we're gonna.

Well, it just so happens that a client of mine

schedules the weddings for the Bel Air Hotel,

and she told me that there was a cancellation

for the weekend of June 26.

The Bel Air Hotel? In June.

Charlie, the Bel Air Hotel.

In June.

Yeah, I heard.

Wow.

What do ya think?

Gee, I don't know.

We hadn't talked about a date.

Boy, it's almost impossible

to get a June date at the Bel Air Hotel.

Thank you, Alan.

Judith and I had to get married at the Sportsmen's Lodge

in November on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving.

Yes, I remember the Indian corn centerpieces.

Oh, Charlie, I've always dreamed of getting married

at the Bel Air in the garden with the swans.

Yeah, but keep in mind those birds are vicious.

They look pretty, but they'll peck your eye right out.

Besides, I thought if we had the wedding here,

the money we save could pay for a nice long honeymoon.

Yeah, I guess that's probably smarter.

Shame on you, Charles.

Depriving your fiancée of her dream wedding.

Especially considering all the money you blew

on hooch and whores over the years.

Thank you, Berta.

Tell you what--

the wedding at the Bel Air will be my gift to you.

Are you serious?

Gee, Mom, thanks, but that's a little too generous.

A little?! All she gave Judith and me

was a dinette set.

Yes, and who's eating on that dinette set now?

That's not the point.

Charlie's marriage is just as likely to fail as mine was.

Thanks again, bro.

Anyway,

I asked them to hold the date for 24 hours.

So you can talk it over and decide.

Thank you, Evelyn. That is so sweet.

Well, I do have an ulterior motive.

The sooner you two get married,

the sooner I'll have more grandchildren.

Why? Does Miss Evelyn need a cook

and a butler, too?

Let me know, dear.

I will.

The Bel Air Hotel.

In June.

Let's see ya get out of this one, Houdini.

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ah. * Men. * Men.

* Men. *

So, have you thought about your mother's offer?

Yeah, I have.

I've got one question.

Why June?

What's wrong with getting married in July?

Or the following October?

October is a perfectly good month.

Birds all fly south,

so you don't have to worry about swan attacks.

Charlie, if you don't want to get married in June,

we don't have to.

What? No, no.

No, that's not what I'm saying at all.

Where do you get this stuff?

So?

So, what?

Do you want to get married in June?

Oh, we're back on that.

Well, I can't think of any good reason why not.

And believe me, I'm trying.

So that's it?

We're getting married June 26 at the Bel Air Hotel?

I guess so.

Oh, Charlie, I'm so happy.

That's only because you don't have a swan beak

in your eye socket yet.

I'm going to go call your mom,

and then my mom and then all my friends.

Good, good.

Alan, we're going to do it.

June 26 at the Bel Air Hotel.

(squealing): Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

That's so wonderful!

I know! I gotta go call everybody.

Congratulations.

Thanks.

Wow, the end of an era.

Guess so.

Well, you had a good run.

Yep.

But now it's over.

(whispering): Forever.

Nothing's going to change, Alan.

Sure, I'm going to be married,

but I'm still going to be the same guy

living in the same house with the same woman.

Yes, yes, the same woman.

(whispering): Forever.

Hey, can I be the best man?

You'll need a sex change.

Where you going?

Out for a drink.

You can drink here.

I could, but I don't want to vomit here.

Wait, wait, wait, I'll go with you.

Why? I'm not done poking at you.

Hey, shouldn't you ask the ol' ball and chain first?

I don't need her permission.

Really? Yes, really.

Although, it is considerate

to let your partner know your plans,

so she won't worry.

Sweetie, I'm going out for a drink with Alan, okay?

CHELSEA: Sure! Have fun!

Thanks! Love you!

Shut up.

You're driving.

Wow.

Jake has one big-ass head.

* Men. *

All kidding aside, she's a great girl

and I'm sure you're going to be very happy.

Thanks.

(whispering): Forever.

Are you done poking?

For the moment.

Boy, who would've figured that of the two of us

I'd end up being the carefree bachelor?

If by carefree, you mean broke and lonely,

everybody would've figured.

Hi.

Hi.

Charlie. Betsy.

I'm getting married on June 26.

Good for you.

At the Bel Air Hotel.

Nice!

That means no matter how easy you are,

I can't sleep with you.

I can. I'm Alan.

Can he buy you a drink?

* Men. *

(music playing over TV)

What you watching?

Um! Golf!

Don't sneak up on a guy, all right?

Sorry.

Your dad watches a lot of golf, too.

So, listen,

how'd you like to be a groomsman in the wedding?

What do I gotta do?

You just walk down the aisle with one of the bridesmaids

and stand with Charlie during the ceremony.

(mutes audio) Tell me more about the bridesmaids.

They're friends of mine.

So, they're old.

No, not all of them.

I have a niece who's about your age.

Is she pretty?

I think she's cute.

Okay, I know what that means.

She's not a brainiac, is she?

What does that mean?

Well, I don't like 'em stupid,

but I don't like 'em talkin' down to me either.

Got it.

And I like a little junk in the trunk.

You won't be disappointed.

All right, I'm in.

(TV audio resumes) Great.

ANNOUNCER: ...with about 200 yards...

You know, of all the women my uncle's been with,

you're my favorite.

Oh, thank you.

And there's been a lot.

I know.

A whole lot.

Right.

Like, I'm betting around a thousand.

Uh-huh.

And that's just since I've been old enough to pay attention.

No kidding.

When I first got here, he told me

that they were coming over to water the plants.

And I believed him.

What did I know?

Sure. You were young.

And naive, too.

We didn't have any plants.

And there were some crazy ones, too.

I'll bet.

Your niece doesn't have a license

to carry a concealed weapon, does she?

No.

Good.

You should've seen where this one girl hid hers.

* Men. *

(slurred): Come to find out

that what I thought was a boil on my neck

was actually a carbuncle.

Lovely.

Little known fact, uh,

carbuncles are technically in the boil family,

but they take way longer to drain.

Charlie, help me here. I'm dying.

No, you're doing fine.

Tell her about your hemorrhoids.

Please, I'm begging you.

All right.

No sense letting my superpowers go to waste.

(clears throat)

So, Dr. Harper,

are we still going to Sun Valley

in your Gulf Stream this weekend?

You own your own trailer?

No, no, no, that's an Airstream.

Dr. Harper has a private jet.

Really?

Oh, yeah.

He needs one for his work.

Hmm.

What do you do?

Uh, I am a chiropractor.

A chiropractor without borders.

He travels the world

adjusting the backs of starving children.

ALAN: Yes, you...

you have to be, uh, very careful, um,

because their little bones are very brittle.

Wow.

You're amazing.

Nah, it's just my job.

(chuckles)

(whispering): You're amazing.

It wasn't tough.

We had her at trailer.

Uh, another round. On him.

* Men. *

(softly grunts)

(chuckles)

Uh-oh.

* Men. *

* Men. *

(whispering): Charlie...

Charlie?!

Go away, Alan.

(whispering): I really think you need to wake up now.

Shh.

Chelsea's sleeping.

Perhaps, but not here.

Okay, what the hell is your prob...?

Oh, dear.

(whispers): What happened?

I don't know.

Who is she?

I don't know.

What the hell do you know, Alan?

I know we're in a strange woman's bed,

together, naked.

(thudding)

Let's get the hell out of here.

Good idea.

Do you remember anything?

Well, I remember we were in Pavlov's.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You were hitting on some chick.

Guess it worked.

Do you happen to remember how I did it?

Alan, focus.

Okay, right, right.

I-I think there was something about a-a trailer in Sun Valley.

Are we in Idaho?

No mountains, no snow.

Thank God.

Why are you wearing my underwear?

Why are you wearing mine?

Oh, boy.

Let's just go.

Should we leave her a little note?

What?!

You know, a thank you, maybe my phone number.

Are you crazy?! Just keep moving!

But she's cute, and I'm gonna need

a plus one for your wedding.

Oh, my God, my wedding.

You're right, it could be awkward.

* Men. *

What have I done, Alan?

Less than 24 hours after I set a date for my wedding,

I wake up in bed with another woman.

And me.

You woke up in bed with me, too.

(singing "The Stripper")

What the hell did we do last night?

I wish I knew.

What am I gonna tell Chelsea?

Well, let-let's think.

I mean, maybe there's an innocent explanation.

Oh, really? And what might that be?

Okay, clearly, we all had a bit much to drink.

Yeah. And you and I,

being gentlemen, escorted the lady home.

Mm-hmm.

She invited us in

for a cup of coffee to sober up.

Was that before or after we switched underwear?

Let me finish.

Uh, so, we went into her apartment and...

I don't know what you're gonna tell Chelsea.

Here is what you tell her.

Tell her you were detained by the secret police,

strip-searched and water-boarded.

Just drive.

Worked for me.

All right.

Here's what we're gonna do.

We're gonna forget this night ever happened.

Good idea.

Giddy-up horsey, giddy-up.

(neighing)

Of course, that may be easier said than done.

* Men. *

(whispers): Great.

No one's up yet.

All right, go to bed.

I'll see you later.

Charlie?

What?

You want your boxers back?

You keep 'em.

Really? Gee, thanks.

Oh, oh, Charlie?! Charlie?

Yeah?

Uh, if I put 'em in the laundry,

Berta will wash them and give them back to you.

Then hand-wash 'em.

Of course.

Charlie?! Charlie?!

What?

Woolite or a mild detergent?

I don't care.

All right, no worries. I'll check the label.

Oh, Charlie?

What?

Thanks for taking me out with you tonight.

I had a really good time.

(sighs)

(clattering)

CHELSEA: Charlie?

Yeah, babe?

Are you just getting home?

No, no... no, I was a little drunk,

so I slept downstairs for a while.

I didn't want to disturb you.

Did you have a good time with Alan?

Oh, come on, it was Alan.

How much fun could I have had?

* Happy birthday

* Mr. President

* Happy birthday

* To you.

Oh, you don't mean that.

No, no.

We had an okay time.

Pretty forgettable.

I talked to my parents last night.

They are so excited.

Not as excited as me.

I'm gonna make you a great wife, Charlie Harper.

I know.

And I'm gonna...

cut down on my drinking.

* Men. *

Boy, I don't know, Chels.

I really like the white roses for the centerpieces.

You don't think it's too much?

No. No.

The rose symbolizes love, and white symbolizes, you know,

the cleanness of that love.

Cleanness?

Yeah, yeah, like purity or...

untainted by filth.

A white rose is a rose you can trust.

And making it the centerpiece is appropriate

because you're my centerpiece.

You know, the piece that supercedes all other pieces.

Are you still drunk?

Only with love.

(phone ringing)

Oh, it's my grandmother.

Hi, Grammy!

Yeah, it's gonna be a June wedding.

Excuse me.

That's a terrible thing to say, Grammy.

Besides, I said "June," not "Jew."

Okay, what've you done?

Beg your pardon?

That sweet, naive hick you're marrying might buy

this loving, cooperative attitude, but not your mommy.

Hey, can't a fella just be excited

about floral centerpieces?

A gay fella.

You're feeling guilty about something.

What is it?

Nothing. I've got nothing to feel guilty about.

Okay, okay, okay, now you give him your underwear.

Charlie...?

I'm not really sure what I did.

So, a drunken escapade?

Is there another kind of escapade?

Well, whatever you do, don't tell Chelsea about it.

Confession may be good for the soul,

but it's a hot lead enema to a marriage.

I know, I know,

but I've got these freaky memory flashes,

and I feel so guilty.

Trust me... those memories will fade with time.

How do you know?

Let me tell you a story.

Many years ago,

The carpet king?

Well, I called him that.

Wasn't his occupation.

Anyway, he was away on business,

and you and your brother were in summer camp or somewhere,

and I...

Well, I was lonely, bored

and the circus was in town.

And when I woke up in that Motel 6,

clown makeup smeared all over my bosom,

I was alone.

The Chinese acrobats, the strong man

and the little people had moved on to the next town.

Oh, my God!

What did you do then?

Well, what could I do?

I showered, plucked the sequins from my hoo-hoo...

...held my head up, got on with my life.

And you never told the carpet king?

No, of course not.

I loved him too much.

Your second stepfather was the third best thing

that ever happened to me.

Behind me and Alan?

Sure.

* Men. *

I think some teenagers are fooling around

under the deck again.

Really?

Yeah, I found a pair of men's briefs by the side of the house.

Damn kids.

No respect for anything.

(sighs)

Listen, Chels...

we need to talk.

Something wrong?

Yeah.

What is it?

I got these... these pictures in my head,

and I'm afraid if I don't tell you about them,

they're gonna drive me crazy.

Go ahead.

(sighs)

Well, what happened was...

...my second stepfather went on a business trip

while the circus was in town.

Alan and I were at camp--

or someplace--

and my mother was lonely....

* Men. *

(calliope music playing)

Shouldn't we leave her a note? Just keep walking.