Original subtitles

Hello there! Exciting week!

As you know, the masks that we were told were unnecessary and pointless

have now been declared vital and compulsory.

So today, I have the results of

the Great Dibley Mask Design Competition. Yes!

I'm going to try to show as many of the entrants as I can.

First, Category One, and I've tried them all on,

is "Misunderstandings."

This one, for instance...

...and this...

...and this.

Marvellous work, everyone,

but perhaps I didn't make myself clear. I did.

We were really looking for Covid masks,

not Halloween stroke made-by-a-serial-killer masks.

So we move on to those that actually qualify.

This one was probably still a little bit too weird.

It's a cabbage leaf

and reminds me too much of my first boyfriend's complexion,

to be honest.

And this one is, well it is what it is.

It's an egg box.

And this one is...

...a shoe.

So, in the end, these are our three winners, right?

In third place, from George Strout...

...it's a pair of underpants.

Though it might have been a nice idea to wash them first, George.

Urgh!

And from Amelia Kitteridge, this!

Nice! Very safe indeed.

And in first place...

No, no, no, no.

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

That's my husband's message to me. Sorry, sorry.

And in first place, the winner,

it's got to be this one.

From our local nurse, Sarah Farrell.

And if it's good enough for the NHS,

it's certainly good enough for the rest of us.

Without the NHS, all of us would be losers.

And this is my message to all of you.

Bless the NHS.

See you next week, folks.

Yes, er, hello there.

Er, great to see you.

Er, my name is Hugo Horton and the vicar has asked me

to do the sermon this week because she and her husband, Harry,

have gone away on a last-minute pre-lockdown pilgrimage

to Cadbury World.

Anyway, she chose me because, well I've got a bit of time on my hands

because my father, David Horton, moved

to Monaco in the summer

and married my new step-mother, the Baroness.

I missed the wedding, alas, because of the rule of six which they

are very strict about in Monaco.

Only 600 guests allowed

and I, er, I just missed the cut.

Er, so, yah.

So, unlucky. Yeah.

Anyway, the vicar said just... just talk

about what's been on your mind during lockdown.

So that's what I'm going to do, er, with the help of some charts.

Now, the big question is,

how many times can you say the same word in a row and still make sense?

Now, my starting point is a famous tongue twister.

Imagine a teacher trying to explain the difference between "had"

and "had had".

She sets the class a test and marks the test and observes that,

"Joanna, where John had had had

had had had had...

...had had had had the teacher's approval..."

Incredible. That's 11 hads in a row!

And I've been thinking about this a lot and suddenly it occurred to me,

what if someone was saying this tongue twister BUT

there are two versions of it?

And that this someone, let's call them Gertrude,

is comparing the versions,

one told by Charlie, one told by Julia.

And in Charlie's version, he has "had had" first

and Julia has "had" first, so,

this is what we get.

Charlie, where Julia had had had had had had had had had had had had had

had had had had had had had had had had had had had...

...had had had had had had had had had had had had had.

Gertrude's approval.

That's an incredible 39 hads.

And what does this have to do with Jesus, you ask?

Well it's obvious, really.

When they hear it, most people exclaim,

"Jesus! That was a waste of time."

Er, so, erm, er...

...I'll finish with a joke,

because my wife used to say...

My wife used to say, "Go on, Hoogs,

"Crimewatch isn't a funny as it used to be.

"Tell me a joke." So, er,

I reckon we all need cheering up now.

Here is Alice's favourite joke...

...which is pretty funny, actually.

How do you start a teddy bear race?

Ready, teddy, go!

It's hilarious.

Absolute classic.

So watch out, Michael McIntyre!

Here comes Hugo McIn... Horton!

Next week, thank God, the vicar returns.

What can I say?

It really has been the strangest year ever.

But always remember,

the village folk of Dibley have been challenged before.

There was a time when they lived in constant fear of being

devoured by wolves or bears,

shortly after the opening of Owen Newitt's ill-fated safari park.

And going back further, in 1681, the Dibley witch trial took place

and five women were burnt as witches.

In 1682, the second witch trial took place

and seven women were burnt as witches.

And in 1683, the third witch trial took place

and they burnt all the women in the village just to be on the safe side.

But this has to be an especially bad year.

Yet on we go and maybe there'll be some changes for the good.

I mean, the world is always changing.

When I first got this job,

women vicars were considered freaks

and now we're like salted caramel! We're EVERYWHERE...

...and absolutely delicious.

And even though we've had to cancel the Nativity play,

grrr, sorry about that,

I have instead written this

lovely Nativity poem for you all.

OK, here we go...

Mary, a sweet girl rather shy.

Was amazed when an angel dropped by.

"God wants to give birth."

"To his son on the Earth."

"Would you like to give it a try?"

Mary said, "This is so unexpected."

"And I'm thrilled that I've been selected."

"But it's bringing us down."

"There's a virus in town."

"And I worry we'll all get infected."

Said the angel "Be of good heart."

"You must just keep six feet apart."

But Mary replied "The other thing is, I'm a virgin."

"And if a baby's emergin'."

"My boyfriend will think I'm a tart."

That's a classic!

So, darling friends,

it's an honour to be part of your village

and during this terrible tragedy

we've all learnt that community is what really matters.

So, we will prevail

and I'll be with you when we do.

I once thought that I'd leave this village

and become a bishop,

or Stormzy's wife.

But I've realised that's just not going to happen.

Someone once said,

"Families are a great opportunity to spend"

"time with people you would otherwise do your best to avoid."

Well you're my family now

and you're not getting rid of me...

...ever!

Happy Christmas!