Original subtitles

Is this working, even?

Yes, yes, we're on.

Greetings, fine folk of Dibley,

it's Geraldine here.

Your buxom Vicarette.

So, as we enter the fourth week of lockdown,

I know many of you are becoming anxious.

So, let me begin by saying...

...this is the end of the world.

I can absolutely promise you...

...you are going to inevitable

catch this terrible virus and die.

There. I hope that's put your minds at rest.

Now, before I get to the religious bit, a few parish notices.

First, a message for darling Jim Trott,

and I do hope you get this, Jim.

When you see these signs...

..."M" means metres, not miles.

I know you've now been hiding in the woods for a fortnight, Jim,

but please do come home NOW.

And, er... And here's another thing that's just come in from, um,

well it's from Owen Newitt.

"Dear Geraldine, am I right in thinking that human beings need only"

"keep their social distance from other humans and that the rule"

"does not apply to a human and a young, seductive,"

"frisky goat, for example?"

Actually, I'll... I'll deal with that one later.

Me and the police.

So, moving on, these are very strange times, aren't they?

But for some of us, it's been a chance to read THAT book

we've always been meaning to read.

Only joking.

I've read it, of course. Well bits of it anyway.

Mainly the saucy bits, obviously.

And the message of Easter is that things can get very bad indeed.

Crucifixion - very bad.

But like Jesus, we will rise from it stronger than ever...

...and our village is really rallying together, so if you hear people

have run out of things, please feel free to leave them

outside their door.

I, for instance, have completely run out of Easter eggs.

And the more you read the New Testament,

the more one simple message comes through.

We all must be gentle...

...and kind.

Go away, Frank!

You incredibly annoying old git.

God!

For, as Jesus says in the Beatitudes,

"Blessed are the peacemakers."

And finally, little hint, do try to stay healthy, won't you?

I mean, I like to exercise to music

because I find it makes the time rush by quicker,

and this is actually my favourite piece.

Symphony No. 5 by Beethoven.

And relax.

There. It's exhausting, but thoroughly worthwhile.

And so, I bid you farewell. Stay safe.

Eat masses of Mars bars, and, um, bless you all for watching.

How do you turn it off?

I know, I know.

It's a hair disaster.

Top tip, never ask Owen Newitt to cut your hair.

He's used to shearing sheep, and even they aren't happy

with the service provided.

Now, erm, something very special this week.

Today, I'm going to do a Zoom call with the delightful Mrs Udin,

and some of the children in the village as they're all Zooming

into class at the moment.

So, erm, let's hope this works.

Um...

Abracadabra!

Hello, children.

I'm your local vicar, and I'm here to answer any questions you've got

about God, and Jesus, and all that sort of stuff.

Hello, Vicar.

The children were saying how much they're missing church.

That's lovely.

Liar.

OK, so who'd like to get us started?

Yes, Molly.

My mummy says Jesus is the best.

Hurrah! But my daddy says Dynamo is better

because he walked down the side of a building and Jesus never did.

But Jesus did lots of other amazing things.

So, who can tell me one of the amazing things Jesus did?

Did he saw a woman in half?

No. Penn and Teller sawed a woman in half.

Now, I'm sure... I'm sure they did.

So did Leatherface in the Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

He sawed LOADS of women in half.

Yes. I'm sorry.

I don't quite know how we've got from Jesus

to the Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

I know! I know!

Did he turn water into wine?

He did! Yes! Well done.

And he also fed 5000 people

with just five loaves, and two fishes.

I've been to a restaurant like that.

Yeah.

But the most amazing thing Jesus did was he actually brought someone,

a man called Lazarus, back from the dead.

Just the one.

Well yes.

I mean, how many do you need?

He brought a bloke back to life. It's a miracle.

If I found I could bring someone back from the dead,

I'll do it all the time, not just once.

Um... So would I. So would I. Me too.

So, why didn't he?

Well... the simple answer to that is because...

Dear.

It looks like her screen's frozen.

No, it hasn't.

I can see her moving.

No, you can't.

There. She blinked.

I did not blink, I...

Kids. Don't you love'em?

And that leads me to my message of the week -

don't have children.

No. Only kidding.

Sort of. My real message is, as we know from the Bible,

miracles DO happen, and we will get through Covid together.

Bless you for watching, and never forget -

your children are the most precious thing you have.

So sell them and buy a Porsche.

Hello. Today, I'd like to deal with how tricky a lot of people

are finding lockdown.

I'm going to play a conversation I had with Hugo Horton,

which illustrates a problem many of us are facing.

Good.

Hello, Vicar. Hugo!

Are you hiding in the toilet?

Yes. I don't want my father listening.

Right. How can I help you?

Er, well it's about this lockdown business. Right?

You see, the thing is, Father and I have been locked down together

for so long, he keeps forgetting what he's told me,

so he keeps telling me things he's told me before.

I know. You've told me this before.

For instance, the other day we were having chicken for lunch...

Stop me if I've told you this before. You've told me this before.

Suddenly, he said to me,

"Stop me if I've told you this before."

Yes, you've told me this before.

Then he launched into a story he's told me many times,

which I won't bore you with now.

Good. About the time they had vegetarian lasagne

at the golf club dinner.

So, naturally, as soon as he started, I shouted,

"For God's sake, stop."

"I never want to hear any of your stories again."

For God's sake, stop. I never want to hear any of your stories again.

Yes, yes. Well not quite as angrily as that. Sorry.

And then he stopped, and then after a slightly awkward 45 minutes,

eventually I said, " I'm sorry, Father."

"It's this bloody lockdown business."

"Actually, I love your stories."

And then he told me his Earl's Court Motor Show story,

which is his most tedious story of all

which I definitely won't bore you with. Good.

About the time he went to the Motor Show in 1972... No.

And we'll leave it there.

But my message for this Sunday is this - times are tough,

but let's all be forgiving,

just like Jesus was when he said to Judas,

"It doesn't matter, mate!"

And finally, a reminder to keep washing your hands, please.

And here's... Actually, here's a tip.

If you're getting bored singing Happy Birthday twice through,

I've discovered that the time it takes to wash my hands properly

is precisely the time it takes for a Ferrero Rocher

to disintegrate on your tongue if you don't chew,

and I'm now washing my hands 20 times a day.

So, see you next week.

I'm just going to go and, er, wash my hands.