Original subtitles

Christmas Special 2004

4 years later

Translation by ear Alessandro Molfredo

Tell me, Jim...

What is the best pop group of all time?

No...

the "Nolan Sisters"

I agree. The scintillating sisters of sin.

And the best entertainer?

No...

Noel Edmonds, obviously.

Of course!

And the greatest metaphysical philosopher?

No...

I have no idea.

Sorry we're late. Family obligations.

- Topic 1. - What family obligations?

Father put the house in my name, for tax evasion

For tax evasion.

- What are you doing? The meeting hasn't started. - It's started. You said, "Subject 1."

and Hugo said: Father, he wrote the house in my name for tax evasion.

Do you have anything else, President, before we vote?

- Vote for what? - On tax evasion.

Those who are pro-tax evasion?

Those against?

It's not tax evasion, it's a legal method of avoiding taxes.

Those who are against the legal method of tax evasion?

Who consider that the legal method of tax evasion,

is just a fancy term for saying "tax evasion"?

- Topic 1. - Sorry I'm late...

I was watching a documentary about Tara Palmer Thompkinson.

I went into a coma.

As I said, "Theme 1".

Before Item 1, President may I raise Item 0.5?

- No. - Thank you very much.

I just wanted to say that this Christmas is kind of special to me.

Does anyone know why?

Will "Carry On Camping" be shown on TV?

- I don't know, Jim, but it's not... - I know...

Well done, Hugo.

I think it is, that Jesus will be born again.

But this time he's gonna kick our asses our asses.

To transform the world of hate, into a world of love.

That's kind of special.

Here comes Jesus and "Carry On Camping".

It will be the best Christmas ever.

Jesus will not be born again,

although it would be fun for him to present Songs of Praise.

No, it's kind of special because,

is my tenth anniversary in Dibley.

Not as good as Jesus coming back.

But nevertheless moving.

In what way touching, Frank?

You're a woman who could could do anything,

to go anywhere,

and yet you chose to waste the best 10 years of your life,

staying here with us jerks.

Yes, thanks for that.

No...

You have given us wonderful memories to look back on.

Yes! Do you remember when Alice gave birth during the Nativity play?

How can I forget?

You tried to cut the umbilical cord during the break.

And you remember the time,

when you and I made passionate love at the pool table in the pub?

No, Jim, that was a dream.

And the time you pole danced in my living room,

with Mother Teresa, who was wearing nothing.

Just a corduroy bikini.

Don't say it was a dream.

No, Jim. That was a nightmare.

One thing is certain. Of course we will celebrate the vicar's anniversary.

And I say this, with every perspective of destruction.

Let's hear ideas at the next meeting.

Let's see what ideas we can download.

And now, at last...

Topic 1.

Actually, I have to go.

Wait... you can't just...

Good Lord, it's midnight.

No, it's 8:00.

- Your clock is going back. - What does it say to you?

8.00.

There goes mine, in the back.

And mine.

If I go after midnight, Alice will be furious. Good night, Father.

You don't think I've wasted my life?

Of course not.

I hope not.

I am very excited,

celebrating your tenth birthday.

This is my tenth anniversary as a chaplain.

I figured Hugo was wrong. I told him,

"If he's only ten years old,

how she has breasts like the cathedral St. Paul's Cathedral?"

Funny how things have changed in 10 years.

There were hardly any women pastors back then.

I'll never forget David's expression when he first saw me.

I know.

No, it wasn't like that.

- No, I... - No, it was...

- Stop it, Alice. - Okay. Okay.

Stop it, or I'll hit you.

Funny how things have progressed.

The churches are full of little girls which is perfect.

Now we are fighting for the right of priests to be openly gay.

Hold the flag proudly high.

Fill the churches with sisters.

Not the phraseology I would choose.

I'm very much in favour of these that come out of the cupboards.

- The wardrobe - Right.

What a scary idea...

You want to get your coat, first cold day of winter,

and standing in the closet,

Graham Norton, Dale Winton. and Sir Ian McKellen.

They better come out of the closet so we can see them.

Is it crazy, though?

When I was 20, there was no priest in the Church of England who wasn't gay.

You had to be gay to get in.

And then they went on to officially appoint,

an openly gay bishop, and divided the church.

I'll have to declare myself gay, as a protest.

If you were gay...

Great minds think the same.

Yes. Not on this occasion.

But imagine that all men are dead,

because it was discovered that football is poisonous.

You have the opportunity...

to pick a girl.

Which one would you choose?

Many to choose from.

Half the population of the Earth.

- Yes, and Eddie Izard. - Yes.

Some nights, yes.

Let me think...

Wait.

What is the name of the girl who presents that sports quiz?

She's blonde. You know her...

- With plaid hair - Sue Barker?

Yes. Certainly not her.

That would be an interesting alternative. Rachel Hunter.

Pages 7 and 8.

You have a lot to learn from its curves and crevices?

Oh, my God, look at these.

- And this. - Yes.

If I take everything into account,

I'd probably pick the queen.

- You want to sleep with the queen? - No, not really, but I mean...

would be great for conversation, huh?

You're going to the post office,

you buy a stamp and you look at it and you say. "I've got that one."

You can say, "It took her time to warm up,

but it was worth the wait."

- You? - I wouldn't choose the queen.

I think I'd go for Rachel.

He could have the other Rachel Rachel Stevens in his back pocket for backup.

Two for the price of one.

Why not, Lesbo-greedy.

Lesbian naughty!

It would be vagina-fantastic!

Moon-wonderful!

Sorry, it's getting late, Alice.

Let's go to bed.

Excuse me?

No, in separate beds, Alice.

For a moment I thought...

For God's sake, no.

Don't get me wrong.

No, I don't blame you.

Well, good night then.

Theme 4. Celebration of the anniversary of the vicarage.

And I'm afraid we have some ideas.

Yes. Jim, you wrote to the Pope,

- and you asked him to make me a saint? - That's right.

Catholicism is only a problem.

Is the Pope a Catholic?

Yes, that's the problem, and I'm not.

You're not?

- No, Jim, none of us. - We're Anglicans.

Since when?

Since 1534.

You learn something new every day.

And Owen, your idea is cocktail party the night before?

- Exactly. - Yes, sir.

- With a stripper? - Yes.

Preferably Kirsty Young presenter on Channel 5?

Yes.

Kirsty the Vixen, she's killing it!

I'm afraid I'm going to have to step on it.

- No stripper. - Too bad, Chaplain.

But I like the idea of the party, so let's say "yes."

We can do it at my house.

It's my house now.

And you can open one of those the hidden expensive champagne you save for special occasions.

Yeah, I was saving them for Alice's funeral,

but unfortunately he looks healthy.

...

- And I have another festive idea. - Well done.

How we sing the traditional Christmas carols,

"Good day to you, lords, if it be your pleasure." and...

"Merry Wobble Christmas"?

Yes, although that's not exactly caroling.

"The angel Gabriel sank."

I think it came off, Frank.

What was your idea, Hugo?

I thought of a contest to write new carols for your anniversary.

Genius. Contest "God-vision". Let's do it.

I actually started mine.

I can give you a taste.

"Shoot," he said with a wide smile.

It is inspired by artists like Eminem,

Fatman Scoop and Nellie.

It is going to happen,

will save your ass,

They call it Jesus' ass,

Hallelujah,

...

he'll fuck you.

What do you think?

Should I keep working on it?

No.

Why mess with perfection?

That's not exactly what I meant.

The rest of you, verses by Sunday,

And whoever wins will be sung at the staying service.

And as for the anniversary party, something simple.

A drink, some Nuts,

Maybe even some "Nuts" to eat.

And strippers, are they excluded?

It doesn't have to be Kirsty.

It could be Moira Stewart.

It is more refined.

Get on with something else.

Not with this.

I'm just watching football.

I've become a fanatic after the World Cup.

- Great, what's the score? - I have no idea.

Look at Johnny Wilkinson's thighs.

I'm sorry. How can I help?

I'm going to a terrible conference for two weeks.

I wanted the anniversary thing to be taken care of.

Maybe I'll come back later?

No, I'm sorry...

Sorry, I'm hanging up.

I'm not stuck.

- What... - I'll put it in the video.

Basically,

I want to commemorate these ten wonderful years,

giving you something special, and I want you to like it.

Why don't you tell me what you want,

and I'll take it. Anything.

David, thank you very much.

You embarrass me. I don't know how much you want to spend?

- It doesn't matter, say what you want. - Okay...

- I need a car. - Not that much, obviously.

Okay, um...

- How about a TV with a giant screen? - Not so much.

We're going down all the time.

I know what I want.

I saw a big fluorescent reindeer at Mason's...

I want to take him out for Christmas. I know it's silly...

Yeah, I don't buy that.

I thought you wanted something appropriate.

Like a leather-bound illustrated Bible.

- Yeah, obviously a Bible would be... - It's not just a Bible.

Leather illustrated bible.

- Like the ones they sell in town for £12.50? - Yes.

- Oh, great! - Excellent.

Good choice.

Ten years.

I remember I was a little unsure when you came in.

You tried to prosecute me, repeatedly.

Now I am proud that I have a woman pastor.

What strikes me as odd is that you've never been promoted.

I guess I didn't get the Archbishop's attention.

I guess I was too shy and tiny.

Imagine if we had met.

The magical moment when we would fall asleep in the crowded Synod.

One sinful night of pleasure and suddenly...

Bishop Granger.

I was at the university with the archbishop.

No... it's bigger than I thought.

Yeah, I... We were in Cambridge very good friends.

Me and God's representative on Earth.

How is it?

Bit of a nutter, actually.

Good heart, good man.

I like it, actually.

Good moral values. Nice beard.

What more do you want from a man?

Be good in bed, I suppose?

You've really evolved in the last 10 years.

Thank you.

And you should have at least been a bishop right now.

I left for the bookstore.

I can't wait.

A leather bound illustrated bible.

I wonder where to put it?

Perhaps along with the other 23 leather-bound illustrated Bibles.

On the shelf with the leather-bound illustrated Bibles.

Maybe he changed his mind and he's going for big TV.

Johnny's thighs on the big screen!

Hi.

- Sorry to bother you. - It's all right...

- I'm Geraldine. - I'm Rachel...

I knew it!

Hi!

A thousand pardons, I'm going to a wedding in the neighboring village,

I traveled in jeans...

and I need to change.

I was just thinking that I haven't seen you in all those clothes before.

And when I saw the sign "Presbytery"

I thought I'd ask the Church for help.

- Of course. Come on, Rachel Hunter. - Thank you. Thank you.

The bedroom is upstairs. You can change there. Watch your head.

It's so weird.

My maid and I were just talking about you.

Really, what were you saying?

We were saying how nice it would be...

if we saw you at a fashion show.

Walking up and down and turning around...

- I can arrange that. - Really? It would be brilliant.

I also want to say that I like the bras and panties you're wearing.

The last time in London I bought from Selfridges I bought a pair of panties like these!

It didn't make me...

Ask them to take them off in regular sizes, please!

But it was not wasted.

I used it for yarn.

Very effective. See how they glow?

You didn't come here for gay talk.

No, "gay" talk...

Stop it, now.

Go.

- Thank you. - Watch your head.

Who is it now? Naomi Campbell?

Hi.

- What's wrong with you? - Nothing.

No, nothing.

A bit of a "strange" sequence of events.

Not "weird"...

If you weren't a chaplain, and you were a little boy,

I'd say you did something naughty upstairs,

and you're afraid to tell Mommy.

But I didn't, so don't.

- Sorry, can I use your lipstick? Of course.

Thank you, Joan.

My name is Geraldine.

I'm sorry.

Hi.

- Alice, my maid of honor. - Hello, Alice.

Geraldine told me you were talking about me and what you'd like to do.

I would love to.

Whenever you arrange it will be great.

I'm going to change.

It was nice to meet you.

I know what we were talking about before, but I can't believe it.

You did it with Rachel Hunter,

and she can't even remember your name right.

Shut up, Alice.

You have completely misunderstood the situation.

And what's he doing up there in a bra and panties?

If you can call it that.

I take it you're not from Thong?

No, I'm not.

The only "song" that interests me,

is a lovely "song" said by a girl at a contest.

I assure you, Alice, there's nothing wrong between Mrs. Hunter and me.

What do you think I am...

Stupid?

Don't make me answer to that question.

Woman of mystery!

That's what I love about you.

You can never reach the bottom of Geraldine Granger.

But I'm sure Rachel will try.

Get out of here.

- I'm coming down. - You look fantastic.

Thank you very much.

You look taller.

I hope to see you on the runway.

That would be amazing, yes.

Thank you, you were fantastic.

Goodbye.

- Everything okay? - Yes!

What an amazing woman, the vicar.

Obviously gay.

No!

No!

- Nice conference? - Desperation.

- All the cretins together. - It must be a relief to have you home.

I wouldn't say that.

Thank you so much for giving us the house.

I won't forget the moment you signed the papers.

I've never seen you cry before.

To express our gratitude,

we made some minor changes.

I hope you like them.

As long as it's nothing too dramatic.

What do you have to say?

I think I died, went to hell, and I'm sharing a room with Barbra Cartland.

The point is,

Alice did it all by herself, without the help of a professional.

For some strange reason I'm not surprised.

What I sought,

was the Classical Victorian to meet my Little Pony.

And I think it worked.

Where's Stubbs?

I had a valuable original painting of George Stubbs there.

He didn't fit.

We thought, perhaps, because it was a horse, but not a pink horse.

I want him back in this room now.

Tell me the news gently. What else is going on?

- Nothing special. - No more shocks and surprises?

- Nothing else. - Good.

Except for the fact that the chaplain is gay.

- Hello? - He tried to deny it.

But you must be an idiot if you add 2+2 and you don't get...

- Four. - Four, exactly.

Gentlemen,

I called you early on a very important matter.

It seems our chaplain is...

gay.

I know how old-fashioned and traditional village we are,

and I can imagine your reactions.

Well done, Vicar.

The best news I've heard since then that bestiality is legal again.

- It didn't happen. - Really?

This is not good.

Wait a minute,

well understand that nobody cares even a little bit?

No...

We always had lesbians in the village.

Mrs. Copley was a lesbian.

Before he retired.

- Was it? - No, Jim...

He was a librarian.

Librarian, yes.

He's coming.

Don't say a word. He doesn't know we know.

Sorry I'm late.

I hope you didn't pass Theme 2.

There are some arts sponsorships that I want to support.

So, where are we?

I'm sorry.

Did I interrupt the Contest Annual Stupid Eating Contest?

No. Well, let's go to Issue 2.

That's perfect.

Two young women in the village want £100 to run a theatre club.

It looks okay to me.

Lesbian Theatre Club. Interesting development.

How many are in favour?

I don't know if they're lesbians, David.

- Isn't it? - No, only women.

Okay.

And they do plays about lesbians?

Maybe. I don't know.

The other is the Women's Association.

They want to make a charity calendar that I'd like to support.

Will they all be topless, or just a few?

They will have pictures of the church.

With topless women inside?

And you're going to take the pictures?

None will be topless.

Then why would you give a grant?

I'm starting to smell a theme here.

Lesbians. Topless women.

Hugo, your wife gossiped at all?

I don't know where you got the idea...

Yes.

I want to say here and now, you don't have a gay vicar.

And it's a shame.

In my experience, gay priests, they're excellent people.

Quite right.

They know what prejudice is,

and therefore how important it is to treat people with dignity.

Can we continue?

- Of course, if you like men... - Owen.

Seriously, now that you're not gay,

I want to make another attempt with you.

Oh, for God's sake, Owen, stop.

I'm going to brush my teeth this time.

Very well, Subject 3.

The new carols. The meeting is at 16.00 on Sunday.

Come if you want to watch the lowest rung of British culture

since Arthur Mallard re-recorded "You're the One That I Want"

Owen, you said you'd thank us and surprise us.

Yeah, I'm not so sure. about pleasure anymore.

Say it.

Jesus was born on Christmas Day,

Hallelujah...

But he never put his stuff anywhere.

Hallelujah.

Next.

So, Frank, how many turns?

108.

It is a controversial issue,

and it took me a while to formulate the conclusion.

Will you forgive us if we don't listen all the lyrics?

I can skip a few in the middle.

Go ahead.

He glorified the Lord, but he followed your heart.

Jesus Christ was born as a cat.

- You say it. - Next.

To say before you start,

that my hope, for this competition

basically all my hopes that after 10 years,

there is a trace of talent and logic left in this village,

is entirely up to you.

No...

don't worry.

I tried to find,

which part of the story of the Nativity,

- never happened. - Good.

And then I realized...

The birth itself.

Bad.

And how is it going?

Praise the Lord,

is coming...

from the birth canal.

Here it comes...

Look, the Virgin Mary, she's fully dilated.

He won't need a perinectomy.

I liked that.

Two weeks later.

I'm looking forward to Christmas.

Last year I couldn't wait,

and we finally celebrated on October 21.

- Great year? - Yes.

Do you regret something?

For going to "wife swapping."

Was it a mistake?

Yeah, David was very angry. at the end.

- When you got back? - That's right.

- What is it? - Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Application for the position of Deacon in the Diocese of Canterbury.

- Yes. - Looking for another job?

No, David told me to fill it out.

I'm not taking it.

You can't anyway,

you got a full-time job here.

Yes, I do.

You're not leaving because...

you will break my heart and I will die, so you won't.

It's useful to know.

I have to go. I'm cooking for your party.

How many sausage pies will you personally need?

No less than 46.

See you later.

Hello boys.

Visitors!

Hello boys.

- How can I help? - It's for the party.

We know how much you love chocolate, so...

we decided to build something big out of chocolate.

- Fascinating. - Here's a rough draft.

A chocolate baby Jesus.

Yes, in regular size.

We just wanted to know if you wanted to know and almonds on top.

Do you want me to eat baby Jesus?

Yes, why not?

We eat it every Sunday, in the form of a hors d'oeuvre.

Yes, but while you're eating it,

you think he died for our sins,

not "Very tasty he looks great with praline."

He has a point.

Sorry, he's the son of God,

I can't eat him.

Not even a toe?

Not even a chubby chocolate finger?

I have to admit it looks delicious,

but no, you shouldn't.

No...

don't worry, we'll go to plan B.

- What is plan B? - We'll call it Baby Judas.

And that's how you're gonna eat that bastard ...one-legged man!

No.

Then we go to plan C.

Which will be a surprise.

Why?

Because we haven't thought about it yet.

- Do we have another subject? - There is something.

It's about Frank.

He wants the party to be the best you've ever had

an evening of endless laughter and fun.

Excellent.

So he decided not to come.

He said he didn't want to spoil the evening because he's so...

boring.

Is that all he said? I'm sure he said more.

Yes, he said.

but we fell asleep.

I know that at every party...

I make everyone bored.

- Nonsense, Frank! Who told you that? - Mr. Horton.

My father...

My mother...

My two sisters...

My psychiatrist.

You.

You mustn't believe everything I say, Frank.

At Halloween's party? You didn't bore anyone.

- No. - See?

I wasn't there.

I have decided. You'll have to do it without me.

It's a big disappointment, Frank.

Because - he said, and he already regretted it -

I was hoping that you to give the keynote address.

- Really? - Absolutely.

I tell you in all honesty that no one makes speeches like you.

I don't know what to say.

If that's the case...

- I'll be glad to come. - Good.

I can't remember when I've ever had such an honor before.

I can't remember 5 cases,

that I almost had some honor.

- After the Suez crisis... - Stop here, sir.

You need to go home. to prepare the speech.

You're gone.

Try to be shorter than the day of judgment.

I must escape.

Nothing will change in this village.

I must escape.

Christmas Eve.

- Good evening, Vicar. - Merry Christmas.

I think you're going to have a very special evening.

Good.

Interesting inscription.

TEN GLORIOUS EARS

The "Y" is down. I was hoping you wouldn't notice.

- Shall we go inside? - Alice is taking the kids down.

They wanted to say congratulations,

but they're small, and "congratulations" is hard to pronounce,

so they'll say "Fine."

Here they come.

And here they come...

And they keep coming...

Alice and Hugo worked hard.

If you want to come by...

Poor things.

Ten fantastic years.

Thank you, I'm very touched.

I can't think of a better place to waste my life.

And I'm happy to be in this...

incredible room.

Stubbs, David?

My God, he's handsome.

It doesn't fit at all now.

I told you.

The ceremony begins.

To begin with,

the chaplain asked Frank to say a few words.

I was born here in Dibley August 12, 1929.

And for tonight's occasion,

I thought I'd remember, every vicar,

who has served here since I was born.

Oh, no!

I did,

and from everyone...

you, Vicar,

you're the best there ever was.

Thank you.

Well done, Frank.

Your best speech.

Thank you. The chaplain told me to be brief.

I finally got something.

And we go on with a sense of titanic relief,

with not one but two surprises, Owen and Jim.

Chaplain... We present for your pleasure,

Not a chocolate Jesus.

Not a chocolate Judas...

- But... - As you will see...

A chocolate fountain.

Come to mother!

- Have a marshmallow... - I know what to do, Owen!

Get out of the way!

It's very good.

Try the fruit.

Of course I'd try the fruit, Jim.

if I was a complete idiot...

But who eats fruit when there's chocolate?

I can put my finger in, open a road and get in.

It's very nice!

Actually...

I hope you don't mind, I'm sorry...

Yes. It's fantastic.

Excellent. Good boys.

And now the second most exciting surprise,

we have a visitor.

I think there's a slight problem.

Can I help?

No, you can't.

You could, but...

It's too late.

Can you hold this, please?

Because I'm going in.

I'm sorry, were you talking about a second surprise?

I don't know if the time is right,

but unfortunately he has a busy schedule,

because of the Stay.

Is it Santa Claus?

Unfortunately not.

For the 10-year anniversary I convinced an old friend,

to come and see you tonight.

I present to you the Archbishop of Canterbury.

That was good.

Geraldine, the Archbishop of Canterbury.

Archbishop, Geraldine... our chaplain.

It is usually not covered with chocolate.

Merry Christmas, my child.

Thank you, Your Eminence.

Please lick me freely...

if you wish.

No, thank you.

As you wish.

We have a democracy.

My chances of being promoted to bishop...

the same as Jordan's chances,

to win the United Kingdom in the Miss Small Breasts competition.

Oh, dear...

Jesus.

Remember when you made water into wine?

If you could do the opposite for me now,

with the three bottles I downed,

would be very useful.

Otherwise I'm afraid I'll fall down.

Come in.

I was wondering if the archbishop...

You better go, because I had a little too much to drink.

And I have to sleep now,

so I don't have a hangover,

at tomorrow's very important service.

And what about tonight's service?

What?

The operation of the Parade, which starts in 9 minutes;

The most important function of the year.

The point is...

I completely forgot about that.

And because of this mistake...

Yes?

I have a very big problem now.

- I have a very big problem now. - Yeah.

I have a very big problem.

Thank you.

- Does it help? - I think it does.

Lord, forgive me for doing this, but it's the only way.

You'll do what? What is the only way?

That hurt.

It did work though. Yes.

Let's go.

Good evening and welcome.

As you know one of the one of the biggest problems of our society,

is the uncontrolled consumption of alcohol.

And our chaplain had a wonderful idea

to show us how horrible it is,

imagine if someone like our vicar was completely drunk.

The whole society would collapse.

Chaplain?

No. Wrong.

Thank you.

Milk, Milk, Lemonade.

(song)

Hello!

I haven't told anyone about the boob job.

And you...

you think nobody noticed that you're bald?

That everyone is looking at you and thinking...

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Because this man has a huge...

egg for head;

Let's move on.

More above.

More...

Come on!

On this day, many years ago,

a child was born.

And his name was...

I know...

It is in this book...

J

Jeremy.

Jesus.

Jesus.

Anyway, the name doesn't matter.

To make a long story short...

he was a really nice guy.

As it turned out.

There are two things you need to know about him.

One - He loved all of us.

And he had a nice fluffy beard.

And three...

Two - One...

"Thunderbirds Are Go!"

And now for the highlight of the operation.

Dibley's new carols, by Jim Trott.

Praise the Lord, coming through the birth canal.

Look, the Virgin Mary is fully dilated.

You won't have to...

Perinectomy.

Praise the Lord...

clean up the mess and cut the umbilical cord.

Cut the umbilical cord.

It's great when you've got someone the right gift.

- I can't wait to see her smile. - Me too.

It will probably be like the smile he has now.

Although the smile will be smaller because he already has a reindeer,

and even bigger.

She's so sweet,

will show satisfaction when he sees our humblest gift...

that cost 10 measly pounds.

Take this home and wrap something else.

What?

- I don't know. - A pin?

No, bigger.

- A bed? - No, smaller.

I found it, something between between a pin and a bed.

And here's something tasteful.

Not pink.

Merry Christmas, Vicar.

I'm sorry the wine ran out,

but Kava, she's left.

- Time for the anniversary present. - Did you see what the kids got me?

The giant reindeer I wanted.

They had a smaller cheaper one.

But after ten years, we thought that the chaplain is worth it,

the biggest and the best.

So, we changed the price tags and we got this one.

Excellent.

I think I know what you took from me, David.

I doubt it.

I found it boring to call you a picture Bible.

Thanks for that.

I already have 23, and it was the last thing I wanted.

So,

- I got your Bible... - Good, fantastic.

Thank you. Just what I wanted.

And we have something else

that Alice now brings.

Thank you very much.

Geraldine, please accept this. from the Horton family,

as a small token of love and gratitude for the last ten years.

What a thrill.

Word, word...

To begin with,

and I think I speak for all of us when I say that if you think for a moment,

how you're gonna get away with last night's drunkenness,

you're making a big mistake.

But also,

I know I speak for all of us,

saying we don't care.

You're the...

less boring vicar, a parish can have.

Thanks to you the church is full, not empty.

And thanks to you our lives, are full.

No permits.

You didn't waste your time here.

Thank you.

I have no words...

Don't say anything. Just open it.

David!

I don't know what to say now.

Neither do I.

- It will be worth a fortune. - Yes, indeed.

£122.000.

My horn, our reindeer, obscured.

No...

I don't deny it.

We are worthy of scorn.

I will always love it.

I'll keep it close to me, until the day I die.

I don't know how I thought of leaving from Dibley.

It is and always will be my home.

Merry Christmas.

£122.000?

I can sell it and get a Ferrari.

Translation by ear Alessandro Molfredo

A Christmas joke.

What happens if you cross turkey and octopus?

I don't know.

What happens if you cross turkey and octopus?

Everybody will eat a leg at Christmas.

Because it has eight legs. So they all get a leg.

Not necessarily.

Not if you are 9.

Which is quite possible if you have guests at Christmas.

I don't know if you can cross-reference turkey and octopus because...

They must be making love, right?

And or the octopus will not be able to breathe,

or the turkey will drown, which is sad.

Maybe it's better,

try to cross-reference,

a very small turkey,

with a very large centipede.

Because they might be able to mate.

Plus, you'll have 100 feet,

and everyone in the village will eat a leg at Christmas.

So the joke will work.

Thank you.

You're telling me these jokes,

before you think it through.

Set the goal for the new year.

"I need to understand how comedy works."

"I need to understand how comedy works."

- Understand? - Yes.

Christmas Special 2004