Original subtitles

It has been a point of public debate that there are no longer any heroes in

world, at least not of the enduring quality.

Of course, history, being the fickle beast that she is, may well prove this

argument fallacious, and the admired figures of today may well emerge in the

future, through romanticization and embellishment, to be men and women of

mythic proportions.

This evening, we shall consider the tale of one such man in an attempt to

discern where reality and mythology collide.

Hercules!

There is perhaps no other character in the vast mythology of ancient Greece

so captures the imagination of the chroniclers of Western culture.

Countless books, plays, epic poems, motion pictures, sundry

television programming have been based upon this figure.

In fact, the English language word Herculean, meaning something of

power or strength or difficulty, is a complete derivative from the name

Hercules.

Now, Hercules was born the son of Zeus, the supreme Olympian god,

and Alcmene, a beautiful but mere mortal.

For this, Hera, Zeus's wife and a goddess in her own right, grew a rather

strong hatred of Hercules.

Okay. Let me try to explain myself here because it's all so complicated, even I

get confused sometimes.

In my function as an Olympian goddess, I am the wife of Zeus.

Yeah, who's the god, baby?

Woo, party!

Yeah! Zeus is like the pinnacle on the ranking system, okay?

He enforces morals and punishes those that defy him.

Which is my way of saying... He can be a real crabby SOB, if you know what I

mean.

Anywho.

This one day he decides he wants to go out and do the horizontal mambo with a

mortal, right?

No, I don't begrudge him this. No.

But you would think, with a title like Supreme Olympian God, that he'd be able

to practice a little common sense.

A condom? The rhythm method?

Something! But no.

Look, I know what it's like to want to go out and get some strange.

I mean, when you're up here day in and day out for eternity looking at the same

old faces, well, you'll find yourself trolling for mortals.

And let me tell you, the best is when they come crawling to you.

Oh, powerful and great Terra, I've come to you for help.

For it has been many days since my family and I have eaten.

Our home has been burned to the ground by a freak ironing accident.

My brother Jack, he sold all of our livestock for a handful of so -called

magical beans.

And if it doesn't rain soon, our crops will die.

As well as my family and myself.

Oh, blessed to be the great goddess Hera.

For you've heard my cries and you've come to save my family and I.

Hey, now, slow down there, Sparky.

But my name is not Sparky.

I am the son of... Yeah, okay, right. Look, Sparky.

I got a weekend pass from Mount Olympus, and I'm looking for a little trouble,

if you know what I mean.

Great goddess Hera, I'm just a poor farmer.

I don't know what you mean.

But thoughts of my family starving bother my thinking.

And if the rains don't come, our crops will surely die. And there's the issue

with my brother and our only cow. Whoa, Sparky.

Look, this boo -hoo talk, it's harshing my buzz.

Come on.

Lighten up.

You come into my temple, and without a gift, mind you, crying about cows and

rain and how your family is starving.

Sparky, look, can I call you Sparky?

Yeah, great, Sparky.

I can't make it rain.

Not my job.

After Zeus made all of God's union, well, you can't get anything done

Hell, the paperwork alone would kill you.

But I... I know life's a bitch, but still.

I can't make it rain, rules are rules. I do know a God that can.

He's a close, personal friend of mine. And, well, a good recommendation from

It can go a long way.

Oh, I bet you've got to tear up. Ugh.

I told you I wouldn't turn you into a rabbit.

Oh, no.

God, Tara, what have you done?

Don't leave me.

How will I tell my wife?

Oh, no.

My brother will probably sell me for a handful of magical beans.

Oh, I'm out of here.

So what were we talking about again?

Hercules?

Yeah.

Right.

So Zeus and his mortal whore named their baby Hercules. Why, hell. The actual

pronunciation and spelling is H -E -R -A -C -L -E -S.

Heracles. They named the gargantuan freak of a child after me.

Was I supposed to be flattered or something?

The goddess Hera devoted her considerable powers to the destruction

When Hercules was a mere babe, Hera sent a serpent to his cradle, whereupon

young Hercules promptly strangled the snake.

This made her rather angry.

So after the incident with the snake, the little bastard becomes famous.

Suddenly, everybody in Greece is talking about him like he's some sort of a

celebrity. In fact, he's a celebrity by the time he reaches his twenties.

And he hasn't even done anything yet except for what?

Crush a little snake.

Give me a break.

So great was Hera's determination to exact revenge that when Hercules came of

age, Hera placed a curse of insanity upon him.

While under this curse, Hercules committed a series of acts that offended

gods.

Wait. Whoa, whoa.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. No, no, no. Wait, wait, wait.

Two Greeks, a Roman, and a fire -breathing dragon walk into a tavern.

Wait, wait, wait.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I've got it. I've got it. I've got it. No,

no. Two Greeks, a Roman, and a tavern walk into a fire -breathing dragon.

Dude,

get the hell out of here.

Wait. This is it. I've got it now.

Hero's curse was working perfectly.

Zeus and all the gods turned their backs on Hercules, and the mortals who once

hailed him as their hero openly mocked him.

Some like a church.

Yeah, like a what?

A church.

You know, they're made of wood.

I don't make any things at all.

You stupid moe!

I have a one -chapter oak of a guy and a grid for me. I'd never see him again.

At Hercules' darkest moment, a ray of light shined through in the form of a

true friend.

Whoa! I don't know about that true friend stuff.

I just got in a little trouble with the law.

I figured hanging out with the son of Zeus wouldn't be all that bad.

It'd probably be good, right? I mean, who wants to piss off Zeus?

It'd be like kissing in the wind. I mean, he's the wind god and all, among

things, right?

What'd you get in trouble for?

Oh, well, I was a nanny to a very powerful lord.

Aren't nannies women?

Not if you're a eunuch.

Are you a eunuch?

Well, no, but on my behalf, I really wanted to be.

Is there a special school or something you can go to for that?

Oh, Cecilia.

It's been two days ago that I became a woman, and I still don't feel like it.

Well, if you don't close those shutters next time when you're changing, the

guards are going to make you feel like it.

Oh, you're so silly.

But now, tell me what it's like to make love to a real

woman.

Oh, uh, well... Come on.

You did make love to a real woman before you became a unit.

Of course.

Of course, of course, of course.

Well then, show me what it's like to be a real woman.

Well?

That was great.

That was great.

Great, no.

But I think really that we ought to be concentrating on things that are a

more important.

Like quay pond making.

Fish and stuff.

Well, let's see what else I can do.

Like a real woman.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Mmm. Mmm.

Mmm.

Yes.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, man.

Oh, my God.

Oh,

fuck.

Oh baby.

Yeah.

Oh.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah.

Eventually,

Hera's curse wore off of Hercules.

And it was up to Hercules and Theseus to appease the gods for all of the...

misdeeds that Hercules committed while under Hera's curse.

Like my curse wore off. Ah, please.

Zeus made me take it off. Let me tell you what. Nepotism runs deep around here

on Mount Olympus.

Hera, he's my son.

Oh, shut up.

So Hercules and Theseus were off to visit the fates.

Three witches with the ability to see into the future.

They told Hercules of the 12 labors he would have to complete in order to

himself.

12 labors of Hercules.

As a matter of fact, there were 52 labors. But history only records the big

I'm a champion wrestler and a marksman, bow and arrow.

And I just can't give these qualities away for free to anyone.

Okay, you're giving out gifts. What are they giving me? What are they giving me?

The journey.

The Giants have said this to help you in this very dangerous task.

A magical herring.

Oh, a magical herring. Perfect.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

A fish.

What am I supposed to do with a fish?

I get it now.

You guys are just kind of making this up as you go along, aren't you?

Yeah, don't think I don't see it.

First, Hercules has got to kill a bear.

Then what?

A giant? A dragon? A wild boar? A minotaur?

Why not make things really interesting and throw some man -eating birds in

Would you stop helping us and quit while we're ahead?

You know, I think those three witches were the nicest witches I've ever met.

Where's your magic fish?

I threw that way back there. I'm not carrying that thing around with me.

Look at this. Wait, wait, look, look.

I think I got poking out. I'm poking out from that fish. It's all over me.

Well, you know, magic fishes are probably not easy to come by.

It's still a fish.

However you look at it, it's a fish.

Wait.

Well, what?

Did you hear that?

No.

Good.

Wait, wait, wait.

All right. All right, that's it. My feet are killing me. My head hurts. I'm

constipated. I haven't had a bath in weeks at all for what?

It's like some mythical beast.

It hurts.

It hurts.

I was thinking this. I was thinking this.

You ever wonder why they call it the mythical bear of Perseverance? Because

something to be mythical, it's got to cease to exist.

Now we've come 500 miles, and for what?

For no reason whatsoever, I'm telling you. They pulled a fast one on you this

time. You may be half human, half man, or whatever the hell you are. I don't

even know anymore.

Theseus! Theseus!

Whatever you do, do not move.

Is it a bee?

Get it off! Get it off! No, no, no.

It's the mythical man -eating bear of Perseverance.

Man -eating?

Nobody said anything about man -eating.

Hey, now here's a bear fact.

The man -eating thing was a lie.

As a matter of fact, I never laid a paw on a human.

Not a paw.

This has been a bad winter and game was scarce.

I was innocently looking for a picnic basket when these two drapes threw my

territory.

What's a bear to do?

A bear's gotta eat.

And that guy looked like a ham sandwich.

Now excuse me while I take a doo -doo.

I don't want to die.

Hey, hey, hey, Mr. Big Scary Bear.

You don't want to feed me.

I've been sick. I've been very, very sick.

I have mad cow disease.

Look, look, I'm skin and bones.

I'm a human stick figure.

I'm spindly.

Oh, thank God.

Thank God.

Herc, be careful.

His fangs are razor sharp.

Look at those claws, boy.

Look, he's huge.

He's a killer.

Be careful, Herc.

Be careful.

He's got martial arts skills. Oh, God, thank God.

Now get me out of here, will you?

Come on.

I think I beat myself.

What

took

you so long?

Well, I would have been here earlier, but there was a lot of screaming and I

a little confused.

Oh.

Oh, that.

That was me.

I was screaming about about to be eaten.

How come you didn't tell me about the man -eating bear part, huh? Huh?

You didn't want to tell me that we were going to put ourselves in such peril?

Well, it wouldn't be an adventure without peril.

Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, right.

Peril for me, not for you.

Well, we must not dawdle.

We have to go see the pre -fate.

I need to get my next task.

Oh.

And let me do all the talking.

The first task, the killing of the mythical bear of Perseus, was

Then it was off to the second labor, that of killing the deadly Minotaur.

It's not easy having a parent who's a god.

Talk about your absentee father.

But it's good to be a hero.

You know, if I wasn't a hero, I don't know what else I would do.

You go out and you save people that are crying for help. I need to be saved by a

hero. And then I go out and I save them. That's what heroes do.

We go out and we save people.

For the love of God, will you help me? It's not your problem.

See, this is the spell of the Minotaur.

Oh, I better get to work.

You know, if I think about all the time that I spent wasting, saving him from

his own foolishness.

Our hero's work is never done.

The third of the twelve labors of Hercules was the slaying of the nine

Hydra of Lerna, a terrifying fire -breathing beast.

I don't know, Herc. I got kind of a bad feeling about this one.

How many heads did you say this thing has?

The Hydra has nine heads, Theseus.

The talons and the claws, they rip your arms and legs off, and they're usually

strewn outside the cave entrance. I can see that we're here now.

This must be the entrance to the nine -headed Hydra's lair.

I want you to go inside there.

A little -known fact is the nine -headed Hydra sleeps during the day.

So, thank God, you are in absolutely no peril.

I'm sure.

You understand?

You're sure about that? No peril.

No peril. No peril whatsoever.

No peril. Good. Now get inside there.

I'm with practice. In there?

Okay.

You sure everything's going to be all right, though?

No peril.

No peril.

No body part. Go on in.

Nothing. Right here.

You sure everything's going to be all right, though? Yeah.

No peril or nothing?

No peril.

Okay.

No peril.

Can't wake him up. All right.

Here I go.

Come on.

Okay. I'll be right here. He's sleeping.

I think I hear him sleeping.

Run! He's up!

And

with

three labors down, Hercules moved on to his fourth labor.

He was to pick one of the golden apples of Hesperides.

Look, the whole point of the labors of Hercules is that they're supposed to be

labors. Difficult tasks.

I mean, when he successfully completed a labor, I didn't begrudge him, no.

But this last labor with the golden apples, what is that?

A man has to pick an apple and his labor is complete?

What is number five going to be?

Play with some puppies?

So I decided to send some wood nymphs out to distract good old Hercules.

Of course you know, wood nymphs are the whores of the forest.

They'll make sure Hercules forgets all about those golden apples.

God, I just hope he's not gay.

My feet are killing me.

Don't sit down here.

What's the matter, Thetius? You don't seem yourself today.

Oh, that's nothing, really.

Just that ever since I hooked up with you, I've been burned, I've been mauled,

I've been eaten.

Only thing that hasn't happened is I haven't gotten laid.

Which is one of the reasons why I hooked up with you in the first place.

Because, you know, chicks really like heroes, but...

I don't like heroes with body casts.

Well, fair enough, Theseus. My next task, all I have to do is retrieve some

golden apples.

Hardly a perilous adventure.

What could possibly go wrong?

Well, with my luck, I'll just bite into one and it'll explode or something.

I gotta go take a piss.

That can't kill me, can it?

Where are you going?

Over here. Over there?

Over here.

Where? Right over here. All right, what do you want me to wait? You want me to

wait here? Yeah, wait right there.

Okay.

Right, uh, right here, right?

Right?

Yeah, it's a good place to wait. Right here.

Nice place.

Oh, look at that.

Oh, beautiful lights.

Oh, they're very pretty.

Yes.

Hey, where are you going, pretty lights? Hey, come here.

Oh, hey, come here.

Here's some golden apple.

I could use an apple right now. I'm starving.

That's what I hate about the forest. There's bugs everywhere.

There's bugs.

Want some of that?

You can't die.

Die.

Hello, idiot. What are you trying to do, kill me?

I'm sorry. I didn't realize that you were... That'd be a wood nymph.

The horrors of the forest.

Come back, pretty boy.

You want to play?

Rascally light.

Hello, Hercules.

How do you know my name?

We have been watching you.

And we do think you're very sexy.

Well, I do work out.

You are very big and strong.

We were wondering if you might be strong enough to take on two girls.

You mean like a Roman Greco wrestling match?

Or a street fight?

Tiger Claw.

When Hera asked us to help her with this little problem of hers...

How are we supposed to know it was a 220 -pound psychopath?

You know, she still wakes up screaming in the middle of the night, covered in

sweat over that day.

We may be the whores of the forest, but if you prick us, do we not bleed?

And if you get us in a half -Nelson, are we not supposed to tap out?

Oh, the whore!

That's it.

Hercules knows you, baby. You better tap out. You better tap out.

Hercules wins. Oh, no.

Hercules? Oh, my wing.

When I said if you could take the both of us on, that's not what I meant.

Oh, you mean like a tag team, a grassy cage match.

No. I think what we meant was something like this.

It's like that Herculean cock.

That's the way Herculean likes it.

I first wish I'd like a Shetland pony.

I always wanted a pony. Hello?

Idiot. I'm a wood nymph, not a genie.

I knew that.

I knew that.

And your pot of gold is... Pot of gold?

What, did you eat lead paint when you were a child? Well, yeah. I'm a wood

nymph, not a genie, not a goddamn leprechaun.

I swear, in all my hundred years of seducing men in the forest, I've never

across anyone as stupid as you are. I mean, hell, roadkill has more brains and

splattered little mind than you do.

Ugh.

Please.

You know, sometimes words can cut worse than a knife.

Oh, jeez. I'll be all right. Just give me a minute.

I'm sorry.

No, just give me a minute. I'm sorry.

Now, what can I do to put another smile on your pretty little face?

A kiss would be nice.

Oh, all right. I can give you a kiss.

But you're going to have to close your eyes first.

Okay, but I can't really control my hands sometimes. You know, they wander.

get a mind of their own. Oh, yeah, I'll bet.

Anyway, close your eyes.

Oh, easy killer. Easy, easy, easy.

That was great.

You like that?

Oh, well, you want something that's a little more special?

Yeah.

Well, close your eyes and watch your hands. Sorry. And close your eyes, and

give you a really special treat.

I didn't use any sun, did I?

Oh, God.

Wait, come back.

Wait, come back. Don't leave. Wait.

Come back. Don't leave.

Wait.

Don't come back. Don't leave.

The horror of it all. Wait.

Oh, my God.

Oh, God.

Save yourself.

What's wrong?

They're so idiotic. Oh, my God.

What is?

The wood nymphs gave herself for Christ's sake. Run!

I think someone's been out in the sun too long. Wait!

Come back!

Come back! Come back! Wait!

Come back!

Well

done,

Theseus. I see you've found the golden apples.

Way to use your head.

We have to get back to go see the three fates.

Everything's getting dark.

Yeah, grab some apples.

Now, Hercules had completed ten of his labors and had merely two more

to complete before appeasing the gods.

For his eleventh labor, Hercules would have to capture the belt of Queen

Hippolyte, ruler of the Amazon.

Now, the Amazons were a fierce band of women warriors, and so difficult was

task that Hercules would have to seek the help of some brave men.

Come here, come here. Drums, drums, flute.

You got stereo.

Very good thing. Lots of music, lots of music. You need music in your life.

Drums, music, flute.

Fresh, mate.

Get your fresh, mate.

I'm giving them away. Come on.

Nice, quiet pet.

Take one home for the kids.

It's just we go now into this town to get everything that we need.

Spices, women, food, a bath.

Men.

Huh?

Wait a minute.

Lots of men. Lots of strong men.

Strong men that are not afraid to give up their lives, their very lifeblood,

an adventure. For Paris.

Men.

Lots of men.

Men.

And don't touch any.

Stop.

Drums, drums, come here, get some drums.

Got some flutes, got some xylophones, all kinds of music. You need music in

life.

Pick. It's your pick.

Friendly pick.

Pussy. Very quiet.

Pussy. You want it? I got it. I got pussies of all kinds of variety of

sizes, colors, and IQ.

You two gentlemen over here.

Look, you guys can use some really fine pussy. What do you say?

Look at this. Look at this. Look at that.

Be gone.

Street rat. We are looking for some men.

That's it.

What my friend means is maybe you have some time to see him for your goods.

As a matter of fact, we are looking for a lot of men.

Good, strong men.

Men that are not afraid of a little danger.

Perfect.

Why don't you let me handle this? I'll talk to the man.

What do you have for a warrior that's been on the road a real long time?

I'm glad you asked. We got sherry right over here. Look at that.

This girl's got a tongue of a thousand pleasures.

Once she bends over, she'll satisfy any man's hidden fantasy. What do you think?

Do you have any virile men?

I mean, we need a lot of men.

We need a hundred men.

A hundred men. Will that be enough men for you? Big, strong, strapping men. A

hundred men.

Stand over there.

Well, if this man can't get us any men, then what good is he?

Right over here. Right, right over here? Yeah.

Okay.

I'm sorry for my dumb friend.

If you want me to stand right here.

Right there is fine, sure. Yeah. Got it right here.

Now where were we?

Well, come here.

Friend. Friend. Friend. And I feel that I can call you friend.

Because we're bonding.

I know that you've got a really good eye for beauty. I've got a good eye. I

know. So listen, I've got a real good surprise for you.

Let's go. The beauty. She's a special of the house. All for you. We call her

Ecstasy. Oh, I like that.

Ecstasy. I like that. She's right over there. That's all yours right there. Go

get them tight. Right there, right there, right there. I'm only giving

because my gums are all bloody.

Might make an exception with you.

Ah, this here. Hold on.

This here.

No, don't touch that.

We're looking for some brave men to aid us in our perilous adventure.

Step forth.

State your name and your qualifications.

I'm Clyde, the warrior from Constantinople.

And what have you done?

I killed the three -headed taiga of Bengal.

And how did you do that?

poisoned him.

Ah, next.

I am Jason of Dramatica. Perhaps you have heard of me.

Can't say that I have.

I have hunted down and killed the Wildhorn Boar.

Well, the Wildhorn Boar is extinct.

Exactly.

You're hired.

Next.

My name is... Next.

Pick that up.

My name is Peaceful Peep, proprietor, weapons of death. Next.

Me, me, let it be me.

I'm ready for any quest, no matter how dangerous.

Ah, what's your name?

Justin the Big.

Where's your weapon?

Here.

It's a twig. No, it isn't.

Yes, it is.

No, you're wrong. It's a gift from the gods, blessed by them.

No, it isn't.

It is so I once gouged out the eyes of a lion with this twig. It's a twig. I

just saw you pick it up off the ground. I once parted the great sea with this

twig. It's quite an accomplishment from a little man with a twig.

Next!

Goddamn, Hercules.

The humiliation of that experience scarred me for life. Not even allowed in

own goddamn town without being called Twig Boy, Twiggy.

Goddamn, Hercules. This is just not a twig.

It's a magical stick, blessed by the gods, I tell you. A magical stick!

The things I've done with this goddamn stick.

Thanks a lot, Hercules.

Twig boy for life.

Guess I'll just leave with the twigs.

Well, Theseus, let's go.

Wait!

I'm Nat.

And who might you be, my little lotus blossom?

I'm Fuji, war princess of the fire. I wish to join your cause.

I don't think so, little lady. What we need is men.

Big, strong, virile men for our quest. I'm afraid that what you have, we have

use for.

I assure you, I'm all trained in the daily art.

Trained in the arts like hair pulling and spanking and plastic manipulation

stuff? No.

Like this.

And, uh, that's it?

No.

Like this.

Come on, you don't want to see this.

Dude, dude, dude.

Are you gay?

Yes, don't you fucking stop.

Oh, yeah.

Oh. Oh, God.

Oh,

yeah.

Oh, you like that cup?

Yeah.

Right here.

Yes, yes, yes.

oh yes

Wait here.

I'm gonna go talk to them Eric We're

walking for days You have any idea where we're going?

Fucking feet are killing me. They're killing me No No, we mean no

What I mean is I have no idea where the secret Amazon villages. Oh, that's

great. That's just great

I think I got a hamstring ball, for Christ's sake.

Hello, Theseus.

Now, think about this.

Why would they call it a secret Amazon village?

Now, if they didn't call it a secret Amazon village, they would call it the

Amazon village near the pond.

Or perhaps the Amazon village near the fork in the road by the big tree with

the... Okay, okay, fearless leader.

How are we supposed to find this secret Amazon village?

We don't.

They will find us.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I should have... I see. We just walk around and they find us.

Yeah.

Well, let's see. Where could they be?

Maybe they're behind that tree over there. Let me see.

No, not over there.

Maybe they're under that rock right there.

No, not under there.

Maybe behind that bush over there. Oh, my God. Maybe behind that bush.

Let's take a look behind the bush.

Maybe they're over here in the bushes.

Nope, not in the bushes.

Drop your weapon. Oh, God.

Oh, don't cut me. I'm a bleeder.

I am Queen Hippolyte, Queen of the Amazon.

And you are my prisoner.

Okay, okay, wait.

No, they're not under the rock.

This is?

I think I found them.

I'm going to hand it to old Herc on this one.

He knew that it was the Amazon mating season, and to get the belt, he just

traded it with joy juice.

He used his head for more than just breaking rocks on this one.

Hercules sat down with Queen Hippolyte and outlined the point of journey while

they knocked back a few cruel ones.

I think they brokered a deal in less than an hour.

Wow.

Thank you.

Oh.

Ah.

Yeah.

Oh.

Let me ask you something.

What the hell just happened here?

Hercules walks right into the camp of the Amazon Warriors, a band of women who

are known for their hatred towards men, and makes a deal for Hippolyte's belt as

if he were putting a burger at a drive -thru.

Am I pissed?

Damn right I'm pissed!

So once again I must intervene to ensure that this labor is properly hazardous.

Wakey, wakey, Queenie.

Come on, little rosebud, wake up.

Who's there?

Oh, sunshine.

Are you awake now?

Goddess Hera, pray it be to you.

How may I serve you?

Hey, you better get off your knees there, Queenie. I mean, the way I see

need to give him a rest.

But seriously, the reason I come to you today is to warn you. To warn me?

Yeah, you see that guy laying next to you?

You mean Hercules?

No, the other guy laying next to you. Yes, I mean Hercules.

Anyway, the other day I was in the forest. I think I was helping some poor

little squirrel, yada, yada, blah, blah, when all of a sudden I heard him

talking to his men about scoring with the queen of the Amazons. Oh, all his

started to laugh, and then one of them said, how could you score with the queen

when they're all lesbians?

Well, Hercules says to his men, I can prove to you that I've scored with the

queen. I'll just steal a personal object from her, say, like a belt.

So the way I see it, the only way to teach Hercules and his men a real lesson

to... What's the word I'm looking for?

Kill them! Well, that's two words, but you get the point.

Prepare to die, you deceitful worm.

You know what it's like to taste the cold steel of my sword.

Oh, yeah.

Come,

Theseus. I just peed on your foot.

Come, Theseus. We must escape these perils. What perils?

The Amazons.

Oh, I can handle those perils.

No, Theseus.

I cannot let any harm come to you from these perils.

Look, Herc, I haven't had any...

Quote, harm from perils in over a year.

Let's go.

What? Oh!

Just a minute.

Ah! Wait.

Dude, are you gay?

Wait. My penis is still out.

Wait a second.

I don't like the insinuations that have popped up over the years that we

abandoned our team to certain death at the hands of the Amazons. I mean, it was

every man for himself on this journey.

It's in the hero's guidebook.

Were they 12?

And final labor.

Hercules was sent to the very bowels of hell itself with the instructions to

bring back Cerebrus, the three -headed dog.

Now this was Hera's final opportunity to foil Hercules.

Well, here it is, boys and girls. Bottom of the ninth with two outs.

And if I don't score here, well, I'm never going to get the chance again.

I figured I better stack the deck in my favor.

So I popped in for a meeting with an old friend of mine.

Hello, huh?

Well, I hope it's important.

You know, we're having a banner year in hell right now.

Apparently sinning is at an all -time high.

And you know how I love to go down and greet the new souls, you know.

Start their afterlife off with a good scare.

That's great, Hades.

It's nice to see that things are going great for you.

I mean, after you tried to overthrow Zeus and rule Mount Olympus, only to

your ass kicked and sent to hell.

It's just nice to see that things are going great for you.

Down here.

Did you come here just to mock me?

Oh, my, no, Hades.

How can you say that?

Besides, I thought we were old friends.

And truth be told, I was rooting for you from the get -go.

But life's a bitch, I know.

Zeus fucked you over.

Now he's fucked me over.

So the way I see it, we have a common bond.

A common bond.

That's right.

I was thinking maybe we could help each other in this time of need.

Ray, this is how you can help me.

This pain in the ass son of Zeus is Hercules?

The kid who asked you to complete the twelve labor.

Nice to see you've been reading the Mount Olympus Gazette again.

Anyway, he's on his last labor.

And I would love to trip him up.

Have him lose face in front of all the gods, if you know what I mean.

Just so happens his last labor's in your backyard.

Hell.

So I was thinking, maybe you could help me out with this little problem.

What do you say?

I say, what's in it for me?

Hmm.

Well, you can't take Mount Olympus from Zeus.

But you could take his wife.

You're saying you'd come down and live with me in hell forever?

What is this forever talk?

I can't live here in hell.

I mean, the heat alone would ruin my hair.

No, I was thinking about something like a roll in the hay.

Right here and right now.

I'll even sweeten the deal and throw in something every man fantasizes about.

You mean after sex you become a ten -foot submarine sandwich?

My maids were thinking like that, that you're not a hit with all the goddesses.

No, my sexy but very alone friend.

I was... Thinking maybe about adding on to our fun?

Think about it, Hades.

Two goddesses at one time.

Hades, I'd love for you to meet Aphrodite.

It's her, Aphrodite.

The only goddess to spend more time with her legs in the air than a Broadway

chorus line.

Oh, Hades.

I see your time here in Hell's means you're a little bitter.

As well as just a little.

You guys know each other already, huh?

Kind of.

We met at some Mount Olympus singles mixer.

A day I refer to as Black Tuesday.

How would you like to be turned into a rabbit?

Oh, come on, you two.

It couldn't have been that bad.

I mean, really, was it that bad?

Well, everything was going great that night.

I had just came in with my girlfriend, and we were looking for some fun.

And then I saw him, standing next to the pillar, looking so

handsome.

I was in my black toga.

Not you, you idiot. I was talking about Apollo.

Wow, now that got, mmm, that got fine.

Well, anyways, as I was walking up to Apollo to say hi,

out comes this moron who jumps right in front of me and starts dishing out

every single pickup line known in the universe.

Hey, are you a model?

I gave you a compliment.

Stupid single lizard, and I'm the asshole?

Well, anyways, as soon as I was able to ditch this zero,

my handsome hero got left with some wood nymph.

Sweet. The whores of the forest.

Okay, you two.

So that night didn't go quite the way you wanted it.

But now...

The three of us have an opportunity to make all of our little fantasies come

true.

What do you mean?

Well, I get to fuck two of my husband's worst enemies.

Wait a minute.

Luce doesn't hate me.

Oh, yes he does.

Apparently you turned a second cousin into a squirrel after you fucked him

behind the coliseum.

Oh.

Well, he did say he had friends in high places.

Who would have thought how high he meant?

You've caused more damage with that fuck -em -and -turn -em -into -a -squirrel

routine than I have with the black leg. Oh, I've had it with you. Okay, you two.

Can't we all just get along?

Now let's get this party started right.

You'd love to have a go at Aphrodite, wouldn't you?

Well, I always say the best fuck is a grudge.

Fuck. Cool.

Aphrodite, you're a... Starfuck. And what better star than Lord

of the Underworld?

Well, he is kind of cute.

And he doesn't live with his parents.

Well then, let the games begin.

Thank you.

Wow.

Oh dear.

Oh dear.

Oh, yeah.

I am the first barrier on the journey of the soul.

Least beyond the grave.

You don't get nowhere until you cross my bridge of death.

Ticket. Get your ticket. Come on. Get your ticket ready.

Come on.

Hurry up.

Come on, folks.

This may be the afterlife, but I don't have all fucking days.

Come on. Come on. Come on. Hey!

Get there.

Uh, he's got them.

I must have left them in my other place.

Oh, come on, buddy. I hear this fucking story every time.

Look, uh, we only got to get across here for just a couple minutes. Yeah.

What for?

We're doing a survey.

A survey?

Yeah. Uh, the gods want to know if, you know, people in hell are being treated

well and, you know, proper ventilation and stuff like that.

I don't fucking believe.

Come on.

Look, you gotta be dead to pass over the river of death. That is the fucking

rule here.

Uh, we are dead. Yeah, we're dead. Are not.

Yes, you are.

Ow.

See? Told you. You were dead. You wouldn't even feel that.

Well, I got sensitive skin.

Oh, come on. Get the fuck out of here. Anyway, gee.

Look, when you're dead, come on back. We'll have a nice talk.

You know, uh.

I don't think you're being very fair.

There. What the fuck do you think this is?

This is hell.

You know, a town of fucking damn nations and that kind of stuff. There's no fair

here.

Look, a ticket scalper.

Not on my watchers, no.

Hey, you fucking bastards.

Guys, you're not going to get any free confidants out of this.

I wish you quit doing that. It really hurts.

Prepare yourself, both mentally and physically.

We're about to enter the bowels of hell itself.

Through these gates lie barrels!

Gray.

More barrels.

Why is the sidekick always gotta get fucked?

Always me. Oh!

It's hot in here.

Hear the screams of men with their flesh being torn off their bones and being

burned. Burned.

Hear the screams of the undead and the perils going on.

The river of burning

fire that takes the souls down to hell.

Ground level zero.

And behold, the very demons of hell and hell.

That's what I'm talking about. You can't do that. They're demons.

They'll rip your soul apart.

They'll fuck the very life marrow from your bone.

That's exactly what I'm hoping for.

Now, come under. Stand.

We'll give you a moment of pleasure. And death it.

Dougie, Dougie, Dougie.

Yeah, Dougie, Dougie, Dougie.

Look, you know what? This is a waste of time. We've been looking for over an

hour for a three -headed dog. I haven't seen a three -headed dog.

Five -ass monkey back there. A three -headed dog.

If they see us, I believe you're right. We should come around and split up. I

think so, too.

Right, I tell you what. Why don't you go that way and I'll go this way. Right.

Okay.

Okay, try that again. All right, you go that way. I'll go this way. This way?

Okay, yeah, okay.

Okay, we use the hand in here. It's not going to go over that.

Right here. When I said that you were going to go that way, I was going this

way. Which way?

This way. I'm going this way, and you're going... Listen, there's perils

everywhere. Perils back there, perils back there. Every time you do this, I

can't because every time I need a peril, you just made it.

You better just...

Now, which way do you want to go?

I'm going to go this way, and you're going to go that way.

Thank you.

Come now.

That's

what

you want?

Yeah. You like what you see?

Really like it. Okay.

Lucius!

Lucius!

Hello, Hercules.

Did you come down here just to trip me up?

Ouch, that hurts.

I haven't been this choked up since I had that chunk of cheese stuck in my

throat. I, uh, don't have time for you right now, Hera. Yeah, not so fast,

Hercules. You see, I do have a little leverage that you just might want to

about.

Thank you.

Ooh,

sounds painful.

Kind of sends a chill right up your spine, huh?

Let him go.

Sorry, I can't. Love to, but can't.

But I will tell you what I can do.

I can battle you for him.

I'll even throw in the three -headed dog, the very item for your last labor

will get you back into the hearts of the gods.

And this will be a fair fight?

Hercules, are you saying that I cheat?

Fine.

I give you my word as a goddess that I won't cheat.

Then I accept your terms for battle. So what will it be?

Swords?

Clubs?

Or bare ass?

Oh, my simple little Hercules.

Now I have a different battle in mind for us.

Hello, everyone.

I'm your host, Hades. and welcome to the underworld's favorite game show, The

Battle of the Brain.

Now, let's welcome our first two contestants.

Here she is!

She's a tourist. She likes long walks on the beach. She loves the shop. Let's

welcome Harrod.

And our other contestant, he's half moron, half god. He likes to collect

And he's so stupid that he... couldn't get laid in a whorehouse with a fistful

of hundred dollar bills.

Let's welcome Hercules.

What is it, Hera?

Well, I promised you a battle, Hercules, but not a battle of strength, a battle

of the brain.

And with that, let us begin the battle of the brain.

Here's how it works.

You answer questions correctly and you accumulate points.

The most point wins.

Blue. That is correct for 100 points.

And since you answered the question correctly, you get to go.

Stop being a sore loser.

Please, Hades, continue.

Plums. That is correct for 100 points.

Flowers. That is correct for 100 points.

Open line of credit.

That is correct. We award you 200 points.

Now, we've come down to the final question, and this is how it works. I

final question, and you decide how many points to wager. Now, Hercules, since

you have no points...

Out of the goodness of her heart, and to make it fair, we'll give you a point.

And now the final question.

How many labors does Hercules have to complete to appease the gods?

Okay, time's up. Let's see those answers.

Hera, you put down a baker's dozen.

I was thinking of muffins at the time.

Well, huh?

The correct answer is 12.

And a major dozen is 13.

I'm sorry, you're incorrect.

And that means that Hercules has won.

And what has he won but Sarah Barris, the three -headed dog, and his sidekick

with the...

Hercules won the contest.

Not only did he save me, he also won Cerebrus, the three -headed dog.

Mangy little thing. Full of fleas, pooped all over my chariot, had to clean

up on the way back to Athens. Oh, God, it was a mess.

Anyway, if I had to do it all over again, I'd do it.

Man -eating bear, dragon, the Amazon, sex, adventure.

It was fun while it lasted, but I didn't see the sense of prolonging it any

further.

Besides, every time Hercules succeeded, his legend increased all the more.

To show that there were no hard feelings, I introduced him to the woman

in love with and eventually married.

You see, I'm not such a bad goddess.

In the end, I made sure that Hercules was very happy.

do you think you're going?

Don't think you're leaving this house without washing these dishes.

And don't give that BS if you're going out and doing that hero stuff.

I know that you're just going out to boys and getting drunk and tipping those

cows. So just turn right back around because these feet ain't rubbing

themselves.