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1
00:00:02,103 --> 00:00:05,170
♪ Chumba-wumba,
hubba-bubba, Ray Liotta ♪
2
00:00:05,172 --> 00:00:06,672
Greetings, Shit for Brain,
3
00:00:06,674 --> 00:00:07,840
Dances with Rhythm,
Morning After,
4
00:00:07,842 --> 00:00:09,308
and Gay Buffalo.
5
00:00:09,310 --> 00:00:12,277
Big Chief Horse Dick
come bearing big news.
6
00:00:12,279 --> 00:00:14,346
15 years after being
shut down,
7
00:00:14,348 --> 00:00:16,949
we're finally reopening
Camp Brickleberry,
8
00:00:16,951 --> 00:00:18,784
and you're all gonna be
camp counselors.
9
00:00:18,786 --> 00:00:20,285
- Yes!
- Yes!
10
00:00:20,287 --> 00:00:22,454
Woody, this park is
a dangerous place for children.
11
00:00:22,456 --> 00:00:23,989
So is your uterus.
12
00:00:23,991 --> 00:00:26,158
Jackubowski
wants the camp reopened.
13
00:00:26,160 --> 00:00:27,659
And it gives
the park a chance
14
00:00:27,661 --> 00:00:30,963
to make a buttload of money
off some sucker parents.
15
00:00:30,965 --> 00:00:33,065
So you sure as shit
better show them a good time.
16
00:00:33,067 --> 00:00:34,900
So we're supposed to chase
these kids around
17
00:00:34,902 --> 00:00:36,635
and do all this extra work?
What do we get?
18
00:00:36,637 --> 00:00:39,738
Well, the counselor
whose tribe is voted the best
19
00:00:39,740 --> 00:00:41,006
at the end of the week wins...
20
00:00:41,008 --> 00:00:43,075
[imitates fanfare]
21
00:00:43,077 --> 00:00:45,344
the legendary tribal shield.
22
00:00:45,346 --> 00:00:47,746
Like anyone with a brain
could be motivated
23
00:00:47,748 --> 00:00:49,248
by a painted trash can lid.
24
00:00:49,250 --> 00:00:50,749
- I'm winning this!
- No, it's mine!
25
00:00:50,751 --> 00:00:52,818
Hands off
my painted trash can lid!
26
00:00:52,820 --> 00:00:55,921
Settle down, morons!
Put these on.
27
00:00:55,923 --> 00:00:58,090
Woody, I, uh,
didn't get a shirt.
28
00:00:58,092 --> 00:01:00,859
There's no way I'm letting you
be a counselor again.
29
00:01:00,861 --> 00:01:02,161
You're the reason we had
to close the camp
30
00:01:02,163 --> 00:01:03,362
in the first place.
31
00:01:03,364 --> 00:01:04,663
What happened?
32
00:01:04,665 --> 00:01:08,734
I remember it like it happened
15 years ago.
33
00:01:10,604 --> 00:01:12,571
- Steve?
- Oh, sorry.
34
00:01:12,573 --> 00:01:14,440
I thought you guys
could see my brain movie.
35
00:01:14,442 --> 00:01:17,843
Every summer the entire camp
would compete against each other
36
00:01:17,845 --> 00:01:20,446
in the mother
of all camp competitions--
37
00:01:20,448 --> 00:01:22,448
the Gauntlet.
38
00:01:22,450 --> 00:01:23,949
[gunshot]
[grunts]
39
00:01:23,951 --> 00:01:26,919
- We're gonna lose.
- I know a shortcut.
40
00:01:26,921 --> 00:01:28,253
Are you sure
about this?
41
00:01:28,255 --> 00:01:30,422
This sign says
"mine field."
42
00:01:30,424 --> 00:01:33,425
Mine field, your field,
I don't care whose field it is.
43
00:01:33,427 --> 00:01:34,927
Get in there!
44
00:01:34,929 --> 00:01:38,163
[explosions]
45
00:01:40,367 --> 00:01:43,435
This is gonna make
for a scary brain movie.
46
00:01:43,437 --> 00:01:47,306
[majestic music]
47
00:01:47,308 --> 00:01:48,140
[screams]
48
00:01:48,142 --> 00:01:53,245
♪ Brickleberry ♪
49
00:01:53,247 --> 00:01:54,746
All right, counselors,
look sharp.
50
00:01:54,748 --> 00:01:56,648
Here comes
that big, yellow bus.
51
00:01:56,650 --> 00:01:58,417
That's Connie.
52
00:01:58,419 --> 00:02:00,819
I'm so excited to be
a counselor again.
53
00:02:00,821 --> 00:02:02,488
Beat it, Steve.
54
00:02:02,490 --> 00:02:04,590
I told you you're not allowed
to be a counselor.
55
00:02:04,592 --> 00:02:06,992
[bleep] Dachau killed
less campers than you.
56
00:02:06,994 --> 00:02:08,427
It'll be different
this time.
57
00:02:08,429 --> 00:02:11,130
I promise to be
the world's best counselor.
58
00:02:11,132 --> 00:02:12,598
Look at my shirt.
59
00:02:12,600 --> 00:02:14,099
"Free assgasms"?
60
00:02:14,101 --> 00:02:16,268
Whoops.
Have it on backwards.
61
00:02:16,270 --> 00:02:19,505
That's not all
you have on backwards.
62
00:02:19,507 --> 00:02:22,474
Come on, Woody.
Let me redeem myself.
63
00:02:22,476 --> 00:02:24,977
I promise this time I'll be
the world's best counselor,
64
00:02:24,979 --> 00:02:28,013
which means no kid
will get hurt on my watch.
65
00:02:28,015 --> 00:02:29,414
But if you need
some convincing...
66
00:02:29,416 --> 00:02:31,650
Oh, shut the [bleep] up,
Steve.
67
00:02:42,163 --> 00:02:44,830
So what kind of camp
is this?
68
00:02:44,832 --> 00:02:45,931
Every kind!
69
00:02:45,933 --> 00:02:47,599
Fat camp, handicap camp,
70
00:02:47,601 --> 00:02:50,269
rich-kid camp,
and inner-city-delinquents camp.
71
00:02:50,271 --> 00:02:53,338
I sent a different brochure
to every demographic.
72
00:02:53,340 --> 00:02:58,777
"Come to fat camp,
or you'll end up like this."
73
00:02:58,779 --> 00:03:01,280
Hey!
I'm on a brochure.
74
00:03:01,282 --> 00:03:03,348
Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy,
oh, boy, oh, boy.
75
00:03:03,350 --> 00:03:05,284
The Gauntlet?
You're not letting the kids
76
00:03:05,286 --> 00:03:06,952
do that horrible event
again, are you?
77
00:03:06,954 --> 00:03:08,287
Hell, no, Steve.
Too dangerous.
78
00:03:08,289 --> 00:03:10,022
The Gauntlet is retired
forever.
79
00:03:10,024 --> 00:03:12,624
I just put it on the brochure
to get them little shits here.
80
00:03:12,626 --> 00:03:15,394
[laughs] Whoa--
Welcome to Brickleberry,
81
00:03:15,396 --> 00:03:17,896
where your child's summer
won't be a bummer.
82
00:03:17,898 --> 00:03:20,065
I have to say, it looks much
different than the pictures.
83
00:03:20,067 --> 00:03:21,667
Don't you worry.
84
00:03:21,669 --> 00:03:23,802
This is gonna be the best summer
of your kid's life.
85
00:03:23,804 --> 00:03:25,837
I know it will because
of the money-back guarantee
86
00:03:25,839 --> 00:03:27,239
you put on the brochures.
87
00:03:27,241 --> 00:03:29,308
God damn it, I forgot
I put that on there.
88
00:03:29,310 --> 00:03:31,910
I got to stop getting
coked up at Kinko's.
89
00:03:31,912 --> 00:03:34,146
How, campers.
I'm big Chief Woody.
90
00:03:34,148 --> 00:03:36,248
Who's ready to have
the best summer ever
91
00:03:36,250 --> 00:03:39,251
and compete
for the legendary tribal shield?
92
00:03:39,253 --> 00:03:42,387
[laughing
and grunting wildly]
93
00:03:46,160 --> 00:03:48,427
Let's just get you
sorted into your tribes.
94
00:03:48,429 --> 00:03:51,430
Anyone darker than raw umber,
go with Denzel.
95
00:03:51,432 --> 00:03:55,234
All right, Shawnees.
Show me some love.
96
00:03:55,236 --> 00:03:57,236
We gonna win
that tribal shield.
97
00:03:57,238 --> 00:03:59,504
Rich kids that look like
villains from an '80s movie,
98
00:03:59,506 --> 00:04:00,606
go with Ethel.
99
00:04:00,608 --> 00:04:02,074
Over here, Muskogees.
100
00:04:02,076 --> 00:04:04,243
We will crush
the other tribes!
101
00:04:04,245 --> 00:04:06,578
I'm Chad.
You probably recognize me.
102
00:04:06,580 --> 00:04:08,847
When I was seven,
I did a P'Zone commercial.
103
00:04:08,849 --> 00:04:11,416
Hate to break it to you,
but the rest of you are weirdos.
104
00:04:11,418 --> 00:04:12,684
You're going
with Connie.
105
00:04:12,686 --> 00:04:14,086
(all)
Aw.
106
00:04:14,088 --> 00:04:16,755
Yay, Cherokees.
107
00:04:16,757 --> 00:04:19,591
Yeah, I'm pretty sure
we're not gonna win anything.
108
00:04:19,593 --> 00:04:22,427
So where are my kids,
Woody?
109
00:04:22,429 --> 00:04:24,296
You killed them all,
remember?
110
00:04:24,298 --> 00:04:25,931
Get out of here, dumbass!
111
00:04:25,933 --> 00:04:29,201
Come on, Woody, everybody
deserves a second chance.
112
00:04:29,203 --> 00:04:30,869
He can be
my co-counselor.
113
00:04:30,871 --> 00:04:32,137
Yes!
Thanks, Connie.
114
00:04:32,139 --> 00:04:33,739
Fine, whatever.
115
00:04:33,741 --> 00:04:36,575
But not a single fatality,
you hear me, Steve?
116
00:04:36,577 --> 00:04:39,645
I won't let you
down, Woody.
117
00:04:39,647 --> 00:04:40,812
Holy shit.
118
00:04:44,752 --> 00:04:46,285
Don't worry
about a thing.
119
00:04:46,287 --> 00:04:49,087
This little guy's gonna get
extra-special treatment.
120
00:04:49,089 --> 00:04:52,457
Ooh, I like a man
with authority.
121
00:04:52,459 --> 00:04:55,160
And I like a woman
who can unhinge her jaw.
122
00:04:55,162 --> 00:04:57,095
- Ew!
- Beat it, you little shit!
123
00:04:57,097 --> 00:04:59,264
- Woody Johnson.
- I'm Tiffany.
124
00:04:59,266 --> 00:05:01,800
Well, Tiffany,
how's about you stick around
125
00:05:01,802 --> 00:05:04,603
and have dinner with me tonight
in my cabin?
126
00:05:04,605 --> 00:05:08,507
Ooh, it's a date.
See you then.
127
00:05:11,111 --> 00:05:12,444
Hold it, honky.
128
00:05:12,446 --> 00:05:13,779
What are you doing
with the black kids?
129
00:05:13,781 --> 00:05:15,280
I am black.
130
00:05:15,282 --> 00:05:17,916
I have a pigmentation disorder
that causes my--
131
00:05:17,918 --> 00:05:19,418
All right,
Albino Roker.
132
00:05:19,420 --> 00:05:21,253
Just get over there
with the rest of the weirdos.
133
00:05:21,255 --> 00:05:22,688
[loud crash]
134
00:05:23,924 --> 00:05:25,590
Okay, kids,
now, remember,
135
00:05:25,592 --> 00:05:28,160
Chief Woody will be watching
and keeping tabs.
136
00:05:28,162 --> 00:05:30,429
Everything you do well
earns your tribe
137
00:05:30,431 --> 00:05:32,331
valuable points
for the tribal shield.
138
00:05:32,333 --> 00:05:34,099
Malloy here
will be keeping score.
139
00:05:34,101 --> 00:05:35,934
On it.
Points!
140
00:05:35,936 --> 00:05:39,604
Now it's time for a tour
of our wilderness wonderland.
141
00:05:39,606 --> 00:05:41,773
Here is where the two best
cooks in the county
142
00:05:41,775 --> 00:05:44,943
will delight your taste buds--
our mess hall.
143
00:05:44,945 --> 00:05:49,614
- Oh, mess hall.
- Yeah, that makes more sense.
144
00:05:49,616 --> 00:05:52,184
Above you is our
state-of-the-art ropes course.
145
00:05:52,186 --> 00:05:53,819
[eagle screeching]
[zapping]
146
00:05:53,821 --> 00:05:55,954
This doesn't look anything
like the brochure.
147
00:05:55,956 --> 00:05:58,290
Where are the arcades
and the 100-foot waterslides?
148
00:05:58,292 --> 00:06:00,992
We have waterslides!
149
00:06:00,994 --> 00:06:03,562
Don't look
at that.
150
00:06:03,564 --> 00:06:05,564
Why can't
we play outside?
151
00:06:05,566 --> 00:06:07,632
Yeah, Steve,
it's a beautiful day.
152
00:06:07,634 --> 00:06:09,568
It's way too dangerous
out there.
153
00:06:09,570 --> 00:06:11,403
Steve,
the best counselor ever,
154
00:06:11,405 --> 00:06:13,572
is going to keep
his kids safe.
155
00:06:13,574 --> 00:06:17,075
Besides, we can do
fun camp activities right here.
156
00:06:17,077 --> 00:06:19,077
See?
157
00:06:19,079 --> 00:06:22,080
Aah! No.
You could choke on that.
158
00:06:22,082 --> 00:06:24,349
Mmm, mmm.
[spits]
159
00:06:24,351 --> 00:06:25,917
Steve,
this is ridiculous.
160
00:06:25,919 --> 00:06:27,853
These kids can't spend
their whole week of camp
161
00:06:27,855 --> 00:06:29,187
locked up in a cabin.
162
00:06:29,189 --> 00:06:31,590
Connie, my kids
aren't stepping foot
163
00:06:31,592 --> 00:06:33,992
out of this cabin,
and that's final.
164
00:06:33,994 --> 00:06:34,993
(kids)
Aww!
165
00:06:34,995 --> 00:06:36,595
All right, campers.
166
00:06:36,597 --> 00:06:40,399
Time for an exciting hike
past the Brickleberry whirlpool!
167
00:06:40,401 --> 00:06:43,001
I haven't had a group of kids
watch me poop
168
00:06:43,003 --> 00:06:47,172
since I paid money to have
a group of kids watch me poop.
169
00:06:47,174 --> 00:06:51,443
[laughing]
170
00:06:51,445 --> 00:06:54,579
Ooh, it must be nice
to sit down to a relaxing dinner
171
00:06:54,581 --> 00:06:57,082
after being the big,
strong boss all day.
172
00:06:57,084 --> 00:06:59,751
- Oh, it's starting to tingle.
[thud under table]
173
00:06:59,753 --> 00:07:01,686
How's your ham-and-cheddar
Lean Pocket?
174
00:07:01,688 --> 00:07:05,090
Ooh, it's delicious,
Woody.
175
00:07:05,092 --> 00:07:06,591
[table creaking]
[crash]
176
00:07:06,593 --> 00:07:08,427
Woody,
are you in there?
177
00:07:08,429 --> 00:07:11,196
I was just about to be.
What the hell do you want?
178
00:07:11,198 --> 00:07:12,464
One of my campers
went missing.
179
00:07:12,466 --> 00:07:14,299
I can't find her
anywhere.
180
00:07:14,301 --> 00:07:15,267
There you are.
181
00:07:15,269 --> 00:07:16,802
What?
182
00:07:16,804 --> 00:07:19,104
Tiffany, you're supposed
to be in your cabin.
183
00:07:19,106 --> 00:07:20,605
I was worried sick,
young lady.
184
00:07:20,607 --> 00:07:22,407
Uh, you're a kid?
185
00:07:22,409 --> 00:07:25,410
I promised your mother
you'd wear your retainer.
186
00:07:25,412 --> 00:07:28,246
Lucky for you,
I have it right here.
187
00:07:28,248 --> 00:07:29,414
What are you doing
in Woody's cabin
188
00:07:29,416 --> 00:07:30,916
at this hour anyway?
189
00:07:30,918 --> 00:07:33,485
Oh, I found her
wandering around in the woods,
190
00:07:33,487 --> 00:07:35,587
so I took her in
to make sure she was safe.
191
00:07:35,589 --> 00:07:37,589
It is dangerous
around here.
192
00:07:37,591 --> 00:07:40,325
Oh, yeah, a lot of creepy,
old perverts right in this area.
193
00:07:40,327 --> 00:07:41,660
Malloy!
194
00:07:41,662 --> 00:07:43,462
Let's get you back
to your cabin.
195
00:07:43,464 --> 00:07:47,265
[with lisp]
Thanks for
the special evening, Woody.
196
00:07:47,267 --> 00:07:49,468
Ooh, cock-blocked
by an AMBER Alert.
197
00:07:49,470 --> 00:07:50,902
That's got to sting.
198
00:07:51,939 --> 00:07:53,438
All right, kids,
199
00:07:53,440 --> 00:07:55,106
who's ready
for some waterless, indoor,
200
00:07:55,108 --> 00:07:57,108
use-your-imagination
swimming?
201
00:07:57,110 --> 00:07:59,478
Oh, my God,
where are they?
202
00:07:59,480 --> 00:08:01,279
What do you think
you're doing?
203
00:08:01,281 --> 00:08:02,981
We're just playing
flashlight tag.
204
00:08:02,983 --> 00:08:04,115
In the dark?
205
00:08:04,117 --> 00:08:05,750
Somebody's
gonna get hurt.
206
00:08:05,752 --> 00:08:06,751
Oh!
207
00:08:06,753 --> 00:08:07,752
See?
208
00:08:07,754 --> 00:08:09,588
Everybody
back inside!
209
00:08:09,590 --> 00:08:11,756
No, we're not going
back inside.
210
00:08:11,758 --> 00:08:14,759
And I don't want you to be
my co-counselor anymore.
211
00:08:14,761 --> 00:08:16,928
You want to split up
the tribe? Fine.
212
00:08:16,930 --> 00:08:19,264
Let's let the kids decide
who they want to be with--
213
00:08:19,266 --> 00:08:21,766
me, the world's
best counselor, or--
214
00:08:21,768 --> 00:08:23,435
Connie.
We pick Connie.
215
00:08:23,437 --> 00:08:24,636
What?
216
00:08:24,638 --> 00:08:26,771
I guess you four
are my only campers.
217
00:08:26,773 --> 00:08:28,173
At least you guys
like me.
218
00:08:28,175 --> 00:08:30,275
We don't like you.
219
00:08:30,277 --> 00:08:32,310
You have our insulin.
220
00:08:32,312 --> 00:08:34,179
And don't you [bleep]
forget it.
221
00:08:37,451 --> 00:08:39,618
[laughter]
222
00:08:39,620 --> 00:08:41,353
What's
"contaminated" mean?
223
00:08:41,355 --> 00:08:43,622
Oh, uh, that's just the name
of the lake.
224
00:08:43,624 --> 00:08:45,290
Lake Con-tah-mih-na-ted.
225
00:08:45,292 --> 00:08:46,892
It's Algonquin.
It means, uh--
226
00:08:46,894 --> 00:08:48,226
It means get off
my [bleep] ass!
227
00:08:48,228 --> 00:08:49,794
Negative points!
228
00:08:49,796 --> 00:08:51,730
Wha--we can do that?
We can do negative points?
229
00:08:51,732 --> 00:08:52,731
On it.
230
00:08:52,733 --> 00:08:54,799
Leeches!
Aah! Get them off me!
231
00:08:54,801 --> 00:08:57,335
This shit don't never happen
with fire hydrants, man!
232
00:08:57,337 --> 00:08:59,070
Keep having fun,
everybody.
233
00:08:59,072 --> 00:09:00,906
Hi, Woody.
234
00:09:00,908 --> 00:09:02,741
Hello, camper kid
I don't know.
235
00:09:02,743 --> 00:09:04,409
I see you're not wearing
your retainer.
236
00:09:04,411 --> 00:09:06,244
Can you do my front?
237
00:09:06,246 --> 00:09:08,480
I, uh--
I got to go.
238
00:09:08,482 --> 00:09:09,481
[pops]
239
00:09:09,483 --> 00:09:10,982
[shouts]
240
00:09:14,488 --> 00:09:16,087
Hey!
It's Ratatouille.
241
00:09:16,089 --> 00:09:18,323
You want to help me
finish this chili, little buddy?
242
00:09:18,325 --> 00:09:20,592
[squeaking]
243
00:09:20,594 --> 00:09:22,761
Okay, fat-camp kids,
244
00:09:22,763 --> 00:09:24,663
you're having brown rice
for lunch--
245
00:09:24,665 --> 00:09:26,932
one grain each.
246
00:09:26,934 --> 00:09:30,769
I'm starving.
247
00:09:30,771 --> 00:09:33,071
Who's gonna win
that tribal shield?
248
00:09:33,073 --> 00:09:35,740
(children)
[unenthusiastically]
Muskogees.
249
00:09:35,742 --> 00:09:37,742
Nice camp spirit.
Points!
250
00:09:37,744 --> 00:09:38,743
Points!
251
00:09:38,745 --> 00:09:39,911
How about
my tribe, Woody?
252
00:09:39,913 --> 00:09:42,280
Well, no race riots yet.
Points!
253
00:09:42,282 --> 00:09:43,848
Points!
254
00:09:43,850 --> 00:09:45,917
- [sighs]
- What's the matter, Steve?
255
00:09:45,919 --> 00:09:47,752
Kill some more campers?
[chuckles]
256
00:09:47,754 --> 00:09:49,421
Probably for the best.
257
00:09:49,423 --> 00:09:51,456
Nobody's beating us
for that tribal shield.
258
00:09:51,458 --> 00:09:54,259
Muskogees rule!
259
00:09:54,261 --> 00:09:56,595
You here to try
and cheer me up?
260
00:09:56,597 --> 00:09:58,597
No, you still have
our insulin.
261
00:09:58,599 --> 00:10:01,766
We're all on the edge
of diabetic shock.
262
00:10:01,768 --> 00:10:03,768
I was just trying
to be a great counselor,
263
00:10:03,770 --> 00:10:05,704
and you all hate me.
264
00:10:05,706 --> 00:10:07,606
I'm not fit
to wear this shirt.
265
00:10:07,608 --> 00:10:11,977
[grunting]
266
00:10:11,979 --> 00:10:14,813
Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.
267
00:10:14,815 --> 00:10:16,915
- We don't hate you.
- Really?
268
00:10:16,917 --> 00:10:19,918
Being a great counselor isn't
about locking us in a cabin.
269
00:10:19,920 --> 00:10:21,586
If we wanted
to be smothered,
270
00:10:21,588 --> 00:10:23,755
we could have stayed at home
with our parents.
271
00:10:23,757 --> 00:10:26,224
You got to relax.
Let us have some fun.
272
00:10:27,427 --> 00:10:28,927
You're right.
273
00:10:28,929 --> 00:10:29,761
I thought being
the world's best counselor
274
00:10:29,763 --> 00:10:31,630
meant keeping you safe,
275
00:10:31,632 --> 00:10:33,932
but it really means giving you
the best summer ever,
276
00:10:33,934 --> 00:10:35,767
even if it means
a little danger.
277
00:10:35,769 --> 00:10:37,636
Let's go have some fun!
278
00:10:37,638 --> 00:10:39,104
[all cheering]
279
00:10:39,106 --> 00:10:41,272
Wait.
You forgot your sunscreen.
280
00:10:41,274 --> 00:10:44,342
No, Steve.
Let it go.
281
00:10:46,446 --> 00:10:49,648
Oh, God!
I'm burning!
282
00:10:49,650 --> 00:10:52,417
I'm burning!
283
00:10:52,419 --> 00:10:54,119
You smell
delicious.
284
00:10:54,121 --> 00:10:56,655
[all chomping]
285
00:11:02,429 --> 00:11:04,663
[all screaming]
286
00:11:04,665 --> 00:11:07,332
Yes!
Burn, normal-size people!
287
00:11:07,334 --> 00:11:10,135
Burn!
288
00:11:10,137 --> 00:11:12,671
(Woody)
Listen, dickhead,
you don't tell me what to do.
289
00:11:12,673 --> 00:11:15,607
We are not going to jail again
because of you.
290
00:11:15,609 --> 00:11:17,509
Don't give me
that look, now.
291
00:11:17,511 --> 00:11:20,445
Aw, I can't stay mad
at you.
292
00:11:20,447 --> 00:11:22,180
You want to kiss
and make up?
293
00:11:22,182 --> 00:11:23,815
[chuckles]
Come here.
294
00:11:23,817 --> 00:11:26,451
Aah!
It's a white walker!
295
00:11:26,453 --> 00:11:30,622
(Denzel)
Okay, let me tell y'all
a ghost story.
296
00:11:30,624 --> 00:11:32,791
Legend has it
that right over that hill
297
00:11:32,793 --> 00:11:35,560
is a cursed Native American
burial ground.
298
00:11:35,562 --> 00:11:37,629
And any dead thing
that's buried there
299
00:11:37,631 --> 00:11:39,898
comes back to life.
300
00:11:39,900 --> 00:11:41,833
I hate
true ghost stories.
301
00:11:41,835 --> 00:11:44,669
But the ground is sour.
302
00:11:44,671 --> 00:11:48,406
And when the dead come back,
they ain't the same.
303
00:11:48,408 --> 00:11:50,742
They eat mother[bleep]
brains!
304
00:11:50,744 --> 00:11:51,910
(all)
Boo!
305
00:11:55,582 --> 00:11:56,848
Listen up, Muskogees.
306
00:11:56,850 --> 00:11:58,583
Chief Woody says
the winner of this event
307
00:11:58,585 --> 00:12:00,585
gets 50 tribal shield
points!
308
00:12:00,587 --> 00:12:02,087
Yeah, sure, whatever.
309
00:12:02,089 --> 00:12:03,922
This will be
the most goddamn important
310
00:12:03,924 --> 00:12:05,757
potato-sack race
of your lives!
311
00:12:05,759 --> 00:12:08,259
I don't have a partner.
312
00:12:08,261 --> 00:12:11,763
Chief Woody would love
to be your partner.
313
00:12:11,765 --> 00:12:14,999
Yeah, come hop
in the sack with me.
314
00:12:15,001 --> 00:12:18,670
It's tight inside,
but it's warm.
315
00:12:18,672 --> 00:12:21,272
T-t-t-t-tight?
W-w-w-warm?
316
00:12:21,274 --> 00:12:22,574
Points!
317
00:12:22,576 --> 00:12:24,242
Aah!
318
00:12:26,580 --> 00:12:28,413
Down boy!
Down boy!
319
00:12:28,415 --> 00:12:30,415
Ooh! Whoa!
320
00:12:30,417 --> 00:12:31,750
Not so big now, are you?
321
00:12:31,752 --> 00:12:33,251
Hello, Woody.
322
00:12:33,253 --> 00:12:35,920
Tiffany, shouldn't you be
with the other campers?
323
00:12:35,922 --> 00:12:37,756
There's something
between us, Woody.
324
00:12:37,758 --> 00:12:39,290
Don't you feel it?
325
00:12:39,292 --> 00:12:40,625
That's my raging
frozen penis.
326
00:12:40,627 --> 00:12:41,926
I mean
I didn't notice.
327
00:12:41,928 --> 00:12:43,428
Besides,
you're just a kid.
328
00:12:43,430 --> 00:12:44,796
Not for much longer.
329
00:12:44,798 --> 00:12:47,465
I turn 18
in two days.
330
00:12:47,467 --> 00:12:49,100
You do?
331
00:12:49,102 --> 00:12:51,369
Think you can last
till then?
332
00:12:53,607 --> 00:12:55,206
(Ethel)
Woody, we have
a problem.
333
00:12:55,208 --> 00:12:57,609
I know. We blew through
our liquid-nitrogen budget.
334
00:12:57,611 --> 00:12:58,943
The campers
hate it here.
335
00:12:58,945 --> 00:13:00,445
My kids
are having fun.
336
00:13:00,447 --> 00:13:02,080
Now, see?
Now, why can't your kids
337
00:13:02,082 --> 00:13:04,249
be more like
Steve's four happy "queerdos"?
338
00:13:04,251 --> 00:13:05,950
The rest of the kids are saying
that they want to go home.
339
00:13:05,952 --> 00:13:07,919
No one is going home!
340
00:13:07,921 --> 00:13:10,488
I'm not giving
any goddamn refunds.
341
00:13:13,593 --> 00:13:14,759
Hello, Mom?
342
00:13:14,761 --> 00:13:16,961
This place sucks nuts.
343
00:13:16,963 --> 00:13:18,997
[high-pitched voice]
Which is a good thing
because I'm gay.
344
00:13:18,999 --> 00:13:21,432
(woman)
What? You're dead to me!
345
00:13:21,434 --> 00:13:22,934
[grunts]
346
00:13:22,936 --> 00:13:25,103
Kids, don't make me
take away points
347
00:13:25,105 --> 00:13:27,806
on the tribal shield
'cause of low morale.
348
00:13:27,808 --> 00:13:29,274
There's nothing in here--
349
00:13:29,276 --> 00:13:31,943
just all these drawings
of hairy footballs!
350
00:13:31,945 --> 00:13:34,946
- Malloy!
- Ain't I a stinker?
351
00:13:34,948 --> 00:13:37,081
The point system
is bullshit.
352
00:13:37,083 --> 00:13:39,751
This is no fun.
We want to go home.
353
00:13:39,753 --> 00:13:41,286
All right.
All right!
354
00:13:41,288 --> 00:13:42,921
You kids want fun?
355
00:13:42,923 --> 00:13:44,956
Let's have
some goddamn fun!
356
00:13:44,958 --> 00:13:48,760
Tomorrow we are going to
unretire an old camp tradition--
357
00:13:48,762 --> 00:13:50,762
a little blood-and-guts
obstacle course
358
00:13:50,764 --> 00:13:55,433
that we like to call
the Gauntlet.
359
00:13:55,435 --> 00:13:57,969
- Woody, no!
- Shut up, Steve.
360
00:13:57,971 --> 00:14:00,672
It's the most treacherous
obstacle course known to man.
361
00:14:00,674 --> 00:14:02,941
[roaring]
362
00:14:02,943 --> 00:14:04,342
And since my points system
363
00:14:04,344 --> 00:14:06,778
has been revealed
as complete bullshit,
364
00:14:06,780 --> 00:14:10,682
the winner of the Gauntlet will
be awarded the tribal shield!
365
00:14:10,684 --> 00:14:13,017
[all cheering]
366
00:14:13,019 --> 00:14:15,119
I want that shield,
do you hear me?
367
00:14:15,121 --> 00:14:16,287
Yeah!
368
00:14:16,289 --> 00:14:18,690
We can't wait to compete
in the Gauntlet.
369
00:14:18,692 --> 00:14:20,892
No way.
You four won't be competing.
370
00:14:20,894 --> 00:14:22,060
It's too dangerous.
371
00:14:22,062 --> 00:14:24,229
We deserve
a chance to win.
372
00:14:24,231 --> 00:14:26,898
We're gonna do it
whether you like it or not.
373
00:14:26,900 --> 00:14:29,067
Well, you can't compete
if you don't have a counselor.
374
00:14:29,069 --> 00:14:31,569
And guess what.
I quit.
375
00:14:31,571 --> 00:14:34,472
You are
the worst counselor ever.
376
00:14:34,474 --> 00:14:38,076
Watch me poop!
[laughing]
377
00:14:42,916 --> 00:14:44,482
♪ Ooh, girl ♪
378
00:14:44,484 --> 00:14:47,352
♪ Yeah, yeah,
oh, baby ♪
379
00:14:47,354 --> 00:14:50,688
♪ Ooh, uhh, uhh ♪
380
00:14:50,690 --> 00:14:54,259
I call that one
When the Towers Fell.
381
00:14:54,261 --> 00:14:57,262
Would the shit stain wearing
the hoodie in 90-degree weather
382
00:14:57,264 --> 00:14:59,931
report to the ranger station
immediately?
383
00:14:59,933 --> 00:15:01,566
Hey, man, what gives?
384
00:15:01,568 --> 00:15:03,735
You were just blowing up
my spot back there.
385
00:15:03,737 --> 00:15:05,904
I don't understand
what the [bleep] you just said,
386
00:15:05,906 --> 00:15:07,505
but listen and listen good.
387
00:15:07,507 --> 00:15:09,173
Tiffany is my piece.
388
00:15:09,175 --> 00:15:11,075
Then why is she going
to the camp dance with me?
389
00:15:11,077 --> 00:15:12,744
Find a girl your own age.
390
00:15:12,746 --> 00:15:14,579
Got to be a graveyard
somewhere nearby.
391
00:15:14,581 --> 00:15:15,680
[laughing]
392
00:15:15,682 --> 00:15:17,582
Are you gonna kill him?
393
00:15:17,584 --> 00:15:20,418
No, I'm not giving that little
bastard's parents a refund.
394
00:15:20,420 --> 00:15:23,454
Well, the one thing Chad
does have is youth.
395
00:15:23,456 --> 00:15:25,290
If you want to impress Tiffany
at tonight's dance,
396
00:15:25,292 --> 00:15:27,759
you need to learn
how to act younger.
397
00:15:27,761 --> 00:15:29,594
Well, how the hell
do I do that?
398
00:15:29,596 --> 00:15:33,164
Trust me, I know what the kids
are into these days.
399
00:15:39,272 --> 00:15:40,972
Malloy, are you sure
about this?
400
00:15:40,974 --> 00:15:43,408
Just relax.
I'll tell you what to say.
401
00:15:43,410 --> 00:15:44,575
Woody?
402
00:15:44,577 --> 00:15:46,244
Tiffany, uh...
403
00:15:46,246 --> 00:15:48,613
You looking cray cray like
a noob says no one ever come
404
00:15:48,615 --> 00:15:49,948
at me, bro,
that's what's up.
405
00:15:49,950 --> 00:15:52,917
- Okay?
- Whoa.
406
00:15:52,919 --> 00:15:55,153
I didn't know Hot Topic
gave a senior discount.
407
00:15:55,155 --> 00:15:57,588
Malloy,
I am about to put my fist
408
00:15:57,590 --> 00:15:59,290
up this P'Zone punk's
asshole!
409
00:15:59,292 --> 00:16:02,327
Woody, these days kids use
their feet, not their fists.
410
00:16:02,329 --> 00:16:04,295
Challenge him
to a dance-off!
411
00:16:04,297 --> 00:16:05,163
Tell him this...
412
00:16:05,165 --> 00:16:07,098
You messed
with the wrong BFF
413
00:16:07,100 --> 00:16:09,767
says no one ever
this wanksta's swaggy hundo-p.
414
00:16:09,769 --> 00:16:12,136
[dance music]
415
00:16:12,138 --> 00:16:15,173
Aah! Oh!
Oh, my back!
416
00:16:17,010 --> 00:16:18,943
Oh, hiya, Chad.
417
00:16:18,945 --> 00:16:21,846
What's a child like you doing
out of your cabin at this hour?
418
00:16:21,848 --> 00:16:23,181
Where's Tiffany?
419
00:16:23,183 --> 00:16:24,449
I wrote her a song
for her birthday.
420
00:16:24,451 --> 00:16:26,084
Not happening,
421
00:16:26,086 --> 00:16:28,252
but I know someone else
who'd love to hear it.
422
00:16:28,254 --> 00:16:31,089
Ma? Dad?
What are you doing here?
423
00:16:31,091 --> 00:16:32,757
You're in big trouble,
young man.
424
00:16:32,759 --> 00:16:34,292
Mr. Johnson told us
what you did.
425
00:16:34,294 --> 00:16:35,593
What did I do?
426
00:16:35,595 --> 00:16:38,429
No son of mine
is gonna jack off a raccoon
427
00:16:38,431 --> 00:16:40,999
unless I get to watch
with a hairbrush up my ass.
428
00:16:41,001 --> 00:16:42,433
Right, honey?
429
00:16:42,435 --> 00:16:43,935
[clocks ticking]
430
00:16:43,937 --> 00:16:47,171
Well, ain't you gonna open
your present?
431
00:16:47,173 --> 00:16:49,273
Why did you get me
a cane?
432
00:16:49,275 --> 00:16:52,643
Because after tonight, you are
going to be walking funny.
433
00:16:52,645 --> 00:16:55,113
[beeping]
434
00:16:55,115 --> 00:16:58,516
It's almost time.
435
00:16:58,518 --> 00:17:01,452
(both)
Three, two, one.
436
00:17:01,454 --> 00:17:02,787
Yeah!
437
00:17:02,789 --> 00:17:05,123
(Woody)
Happy birthday!
438
00:17:05,125 --> 00:17:07,058
What the hell is this?
439
00:17:07,060 --> 00:17:08,960
We're getting ready
for the Gauntlet.
440
00:17:08,962 --> 00:17:10,561
How?
You don't have a counselor.
441
00:17:10,563 --> 00:17:11,796
Yeah, we do.
442
00:17:11,798 --> 00:17:13,398
Woody assigned us
this guy.
443
00:17:13,400 --> 00:17:15,133
F-first lesson.
444
00:17:15,135 --> 00:17:17,969
F-f-fire can't hurt you
when you're--
445
00:17:17,971 --> 00:17:20,571
when you're drunk.
446
00:17:20,573 --> 00:17:22,306
Are you nuts?
447
00:17:22,308 --> 00:17:24,509
You can't run the Gauntlet
with that drunken hobo.
448
00:17:24,511 --> 00:17:26,144
Sure,
we might die.
449
00:17:26,146 --> 00:17:28,413
But that's better than
giving up like you did.
450
00:17:28,415 --> 00:17:29,747
And who else would run
with us?
451
00:17:29,749 --> 00:17:31,482
I will.
452
00:17:31,484 --> 00:17:33,918
I didn't realize winning
this thing meant so much to you.
453
00:17:33,920 --> 00:17:36,254
We've never won
anything before.
454
00:17:36,256 --> 00:17:37,855
Well, it's not
going to be easy.
455
00:17:37,857 --> 00:17:39,524
Look at those kids
over there.
456
00:17:39,526 --> 00:17:41,926
(Steve)
They're bigger, faster,
stronger, blacker.
457
00:17:41,928 --> 00:17:43,194
Now look at yourselves--
458
00:17:43,196 --> 00:17:45,763
An albino, a crazy midget,
a clubfoot gimp,
459
00:17:45,765 --> 00:17:47,265
and a Puerto Rican
blind kid.
460
00:17:47,267 --> 00:17:49,734
What?
I'm a [bleep] Puerto Rican?
461
00:17:49,736 --> 00:17:51,569
My parents told me
I was Japanese.
462
00:17:51,571 --> 00:17:54,739
Guys, we're going to go out
there and win tomorrow.
463
00:17:54,741 --> 00:17:56,007
Do you know why?
464
00:17:56,009 --> 00:17:57,909
Because your legs,
eyes, skin,
465
00:17:57,911 --> 00:18:00,011
and general appearance
may be crippled.
466
00:18:00,013 --> 00:18:02,747
But you know what isn't?
Your hearts.
467
00:18:02,749 --> 00:18:04,949
Ho--Hobo Larry's
gonna show you
468
00:18:04,951 --> 00:18:07,085
how to ge--ge--
get a good stretch
469
00:18:07,087 --> 00:18:10,088
and a--
and a fr--free breakfast.
470
00:18:11,758 --> 00:18:13,758
All right, kids, the only rule
of the Gauntlet is--
471
00:18:13,760 --> 00:18:14,926
no rules!
472
00:18:14,928 --> 00:18:16,761
First team to grab
the flag wins.
473
00:18:16,763 --> 00:18:19,597
On your mark, get set...
474
00:18:19,599 --> 00:18:21,099
[gunshot]
- Gauntlet!
475
00:18:21,101 --> 00:18:23,801
[wheelchair engine revving]
476
00:18:23,803 --> 00:18:25,603
We don't stand
a chance.
477
00:18:25,605 --> 00:18:27,271
We're never
going to win.
478
00:18:27,273 --> 00:18:29,273
Not necessarily.
I know a shortcut.
479
00:18:29,275 --> 00:18:31,442
Hey, isn't that how
your campers got killed?
480
00:18:31,444 --> 00:18:34,112
Yes, but it's
the perfect plan.
481
00:18:34,114 --> 00:18:37,648
It's time we use your
disabilities to our advantage.
482
00:18:41,921 --> 00:18:43,654
[explosion]
483
00:18:45,758 --> 00:18:47,325
We made it.
484
00:18:47,327 --> 00:18:49,927
No, that's just the entrance
to the shortcut.
485
00:18:49,929 --> 00:18:51,796
To the death cave!
486
00:18:51,798 --> 00:18:54,265
[chuckles]
Glow-in-the-dark skin!
487
00:18:54,267 --> 00:18:55,933
Who's the weirdo now?
488
00:18:55,935 --> 00:18:57,335
Still you.
489
00:19:00,273 --> 00:19:01,472
Whoa!
490
00:19:01,474 --> 00:19:03,341
Ugh!
491
00:19:04,978 --> 00:19:07,278
Just wanted you
to feel included.
492
00:19:07,280 --> 00:19:09,514
There's the finish line!
493
00:19:09,516 --> 00:19:13,184
The tribal shield
is as good as mi--
494
00:19:14,154 --> 00:19:16,087
[all cheering]
495
00:19:16,089 --> 00:19:17,655
We did it.
496
00:19:17,657 --> 00:19:18,923
We did it!
497
00:19:18,925 --> 00:19:22,793
One, two, three, four.
No dead kids!
498
00:19:22,795 --> 00:19:24,295
I can't believe
I'm saying this,
499
00:19:24,297 --> 00:19:26,797
but Steve's tribe
is the winner!
500
00:19:26,799 --> 00:19:29,100
Is this a [bleep]
trash can lid?
501
00:19:29,102 --> 00:19:30,168
Here you go,
Steve.
502
00:19:30,170 --> 00:19:31,936
You finally
deserve this.
503
00:19:31,938 --> 00:19:33,771
You are the world's
best counselor.
504
00:19:33,773 --> 00:19:36,107
Wow.
Thanks, guys.
505
00:19:36,109 --> 00:19:37,441
To be honest,
we all were pretty sure
506
00:19:37,443 --> 00:19:39,277
you'd find some way
to kill us.
507
00:19:39,279 --> 00:19:42,480
I think this shrunk up
a little.
508
00:19:42,482 --> 00:19:44,782
[grunting]
509
00:19:44,784 --> 00:19:47,351
[sign creaking]
510
00:19:48,655 --> 00:19:51,189
[all gasp]
- Aah!
511
00:20:00,233 --> 00:20:02,500
You must feel terrible
for killing all those kids...
512
00:20:02,502 --> 00:20:03,568
again.
513
00:20:03,570 --> 00:20:04,835
Actually, I feel fine.
514
00:20:04,837 --> 00:20:06,470
Last night
I put their bodies
515
00:20:06,472 --> 00:20:09,173
in that Native American burial
ground that raises the dead.
516
00:20:09,175 --> 00:20:11,309
Steve, you dumbass,
that was just a ghost story.
517
00:20:11,311 --> 00:20:13,978
Oh, yeah?
Tell that to them.
518
00:20:13,980 --> 00:20:17,181
[all moaning]
519
00:20:17,183 --> 00:20:20,084
Oh, Garebear,
I missed you!
520
00:20:20,086 --> 00:20:21,919
Oh,
let's not bite.
521
00:20:21,921 --> 00:20:24,355
Sharon?
Is that you?
522
00:20:24,357 --> 00:20:26,757
Woody!
So nice to see you.
523
00:20:26,759 --> 00:20:28,426
What are you doing here?
524
00:20:28,428 --> 00:20:29,994
I haven't seen you
since we--
525
00:20:29,996 --> 00:20:33,598
Had unprotected sex 18 years
and 9 months ago to the day?
526
00:20:33,600 --> 00:20:35,933
Oh, I'm here picking up
my daughter Tiffany.
527
00:20:35,935 --> 00:20:37,735
- What?
- Oh, there she is now.
528
00:20:37,737 --> 00:20:41,906
Tiffany, sweetie.
Have you met Mr. Johnson?
529
00:20:41,908 --> 00:20:44,075
I sure have.
530
00:20:44,077 --> 00:20:45,576
Ow.
531
00:20:45,578 --> 00:20:46,577
Ow.
532
00:20:46,579 --> 00:20:48,079
Ow.
533
00:20:48,081 --> 00:20:50,581
I'm gonna kill you,
you son of a bitch!
534
00:20:50,583 --> 00:20:51,916
Aah!
535
00:20:51,918 --> 00:20:53,751
Ooh!
536
00:20:53,753 --> 00:20:55,753
Aah!
537
00:20:55,755 --> 00:20:57,255
[screams]
35567
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