Original subtitles

- Here's to having nothing to celebrate.

- Actually, today's my birthday.

- Like I said, nothing to celebrate!

- Hey, where's malloy?

- Eh, he couldn't be here. He got tied up.

- I'm going to get woody for this.

Oh, god!

Why are you looking at me like that?

[dog grunts]

That is an odd place to keep your lipstick.

- What's the matter, buddy?

Are you still bummed

About your episode of intervention?

- Steve, we're here because we all love you,

But you've got to stop jizzing inside us.

- I'm sorry. It just feels so good.

- Feels good?

I'm stiff as a board, you freaky bastard!

- Nah, it's ethel.

You know how much I like her,

But she won't give me the time of day.

Now she's dating the ceo of skymall.

What does he have that I don't? - Telephone shoes?

[dialing]

- You're right. I don't stand a chance.

- Steve, you got to get women when they're down.

That's what I do, literally.

I get life alert calls forwarded to my phone.

[cell phone beeps]

- I've fallen, and I can't get up!

- See if you can slip your panties off.

I'll be there in a minute.

- It may look like an ordinary fan-cooled solar safari hat,

But it's also a litter box.

[cat meows] skymall!

- That's amazing.

I was just telling a friend that I wish I had a hat

That a cat could shit in. - Skymall!

- Listen, I know we've only been on a couple of dates,

But I see a real future for us.

- I thought you might say that. That's why I got you this.

- [gasps] oh, my god! The answer is ye--

- It's the world's smallest white noise machine.

- What? But what about us?

- We're done. I'm not ready to settle down.

But you can set this to heavy rain

To mask the sound of your tears.

- You're breaking up with me?

- Skymall!

- Give me that. - Steve, now's your chance.

Ethel's lower than abe vigoda's left nut.

- Her next bottle's on me.

- No, I'll call you, I promise.

We just [bleep] in the bathroom. I'm out!

- Are you sure you're okay to drive?

- Are you sure you're okay to mind your own goddamn business?

I'm fine.

You're doing good, johnson.

Just keep it between the lines.

[water bubbling]

Oh, crap. Malloy, quick! Get behind the wheel!

Malloy!

Ah! I thought red meant stop!

[rousing music]

- [screams]

- ♪ brickleberry ♪

- [groans]

What did I do last night?

- [whispering] I was inside of you.

- [screams]

[screams]

Oh, god! Okay, ethel, don't panic.

You know what to do.

[sobbing]

Listen, steve, you can't tell anyone about this.

- Why not? It was the best night of our lives.

- No, it was not.

I had too much to drink, and I made a mistake.

So keep your mouth shut. [scrubbing]

- What kind of guy do you think I am?

♪ I [bleep] ethel I [bleep] ethel ♪

♪ I [bleep] ethel, yeah! ♪

[applause]

- Why did I pay to see this?

I don't subscribe to psoriasis weekly.

- Hey, love bagel.

Where should I put my viggo mortensen

Up-skirt-shot coffee-table book?

- Steve, are you trying to move in?

- We had sex, didn't we?

It's only a matter of time

Before we have our marvel heroes wedding.

- Steve, wake up!

Just because we had drunken mistake sex

Doesn't mean we're in a relationship.

- Really? Then why did I buy us those his-and-her tombstones?

We die by murder-suicide in 2016.

I'm so excited!

- I can't believe that dui judge gave me community service.

- You drove to court drunk.

- I drink when I'm nervous

And sad and mad and happy.

♪ I'm an alcoholic, da-da-da-da-da-doo ♪

No, really, I have a problem.

- Yeah. You left me tied to a post all night.

Now this rottweiler won't stop leaving me creepy voice mails.

- [barking]

[whispering] let me suck it.

- I don't get it, denzel.

I thought once ethel had some steve in the beav,

She'd never leave. - Hey, at least you got some.

Think about how connie feels.

She's been in love with ethel for years.

- Oh, I'm totally over it.

Off topic, if you guys had to get murdered in the workplace,

Would you prefer an ar-15 or being hacked up with a machete?

[high-pitched voice] I think they want both.

- [urinating]

- I'm still inside you.

- [screams]

Don't go in there.

I, uh... Made a fat, smelly shit.

So embarrassing.

- Not as embarrassing as the fact

That you made love to a fat, smelly shit.

- Mmm, this fun dip tastes like piss.

- That's a pregnancy test, you dumb son of a bitch.

- Oh, my god! Ethel's gonna have my baby!

- Congrats, buddy! Way to trap that bitch!

- Yeah, I'm really happy for you.

- Actually, steve, I thought a lot about this

In the last 30 seconds,

And I don't think I'm ready to have a kid.

- But don't I get a say?

I'd never abort a baby, especially ours.

- Sorry, steve. It's just not your decision.

- Why not? I'm the father.

- That doesn't matter. My body, my choice.

- But, ethel, if there's no baby, there's no us.

- Exactly-- I've already made an appointment

At the best clinic in town.

[la cucaracha playing]

♪ ♪

- An abortionmobile/taco truck is the best clinic in town?

- Yes. This town sucks.

- Abortion is a sin against god!

- No! It's a civil right!

- I'm just here for the chimichangas.

- This is murder!

- I'll tell you what's murder.

The price they charge for a side of chipot-le.

- [humming]

Ah, ethel, welcome to my abortionmobile/taqueria.

Or as the local yokels call it, the die-eria.

[chuckles]

[trills tongue] - uh, this is safe, right?

- Perfectly safe... For the woman, not the baby.

- Wait. You're not going to use dirty cooking utensils?

- No, of course not, ethel.

I'm going to sanitize them first.

[loud banging]

Okay, ready to go.

Before you go through with this,

I must ask, are you sure about this decision?

- This is the hardest choice a woman can make, but--

- Sorry. I was talking to a customer.

Okay, carne asada it is.

But fair warning, the picante sauce is muy caliente.

- That's okay, as long as it ain't hot.

- You don't know.

You don't know. You don't know. - [cackling]

- Rackin' frackin' community service.

Working around a bunch of goddamn nut jobs

Who sit around and mumble to themselves.

[mumbling]

- Is everything all right, sir?

- Oh, never better! I love these wacky bastards.

Oh, you're a dad, huh?

Yeah, my son yelled at me

'cause I tied him up outside of a bar.

- You did what?

- Oh, don't worry. My son's a talking bear.

- Why don't you have a seat?

This talking bear--does he ever tell you to do things

That would hurt yourself or others?

- Are you shitting me? That's all he does!

One time he turned me into a fish!

- I see.

- Yeah, he can be a sarcastic little asshole,

But I know he loves me, 'cause one time I was gonna get

On a spaceship with my girlfriend,

And he saved me with a jet pack.

- We got a nut job.

- Let me tell you about the time he directed my porno.

Aah! Are you [bleep] crazy?

I'm not crazy! You're crazy!

- And punchito! Congratulations, ethel.

15 abortions gets you a free chalupa.

- Thanks, but I'll never get over how traumatic

That experience was.

- Would you like to start a new card?

- Yeah, might as well.

Steve, what are you doing here?

- Just sealing the deal I made with the doc.

- Uh, what kind of a deal?

- It's not exactly ethical, but he paid cash,

And, well, I'm a whore.

- See, after dr. Kuzniak

Sucked the embryo out of your body,

He put it in mine.

I'm pregnant! - What?

- Now you're inside me!

- Nobody eat the salsa. There's been a terrible mix-up.

[all gasp]

[chip crunches]

- Baby sean johns? Thank you, denzel.

And thank you, connie, for the baby massager.

[vibrating] - hey, look at that.

Connie rubbed all the veins off for you.

- Oh! Oh! Oh! Open mine!

I have a feeling it's going to be a girl!

- Free pole dancing classes?

- If she's got a hole, she belongs on a pole.

- What a wonderful baby shower.

- Damn, steve. It's only been two days,

And you're already showing.

- Dr. Kuzniak said the testosterone in my body

Will speed up the pregnancy.

- Steve, you're a [bleep] asshole!

- That's why I bought this onesie.

- I made a choice to end this pregnancy,

And you took that choice away from me.

- I don't understand why you're so upset.

Now that our baby's in my body, I'll do the work for you.

That's why you wanted to get an abortion, right?

- No, steve, it's a woman's decision.

- But it's in my body.

Like you said, my body, my choice.

- That's not--no. You guys, back me up here.

- It's in his body, ethel.

- You said that's all that matters.

- Here, ethel. This should cheer you up.

I put your picture and steve's picture into a computer program.

This is what your baby will look like.

- Oh, my god! No!

[dog barking over phone]

- Listen, you sick puppy, I told you to stop calling me.

[phone beeps, vibrates]

Leave me alone, you piece of shit!

- No, it's me, woody. - Yeah, I know.

- Look, these assholes committed me.

Get down here, and prove you can talk.

I've gotta get out of here.

I'm roommates with a guy who thinks he's nicolas cage.

- Okay, let's ride!

- Or maybe that is nicolas cage. I don't know.

Either way, he's [bleep] nuts.

- Have you ever been dragged onto the sidewalk

And beat until you pissed blood?

- Okay, malloy, start talking.

[chuckles] I swear he can.

Usually, he's a real chatterbox,

When he's not being a spiteful dick!

Please, malloy, talk!

- Growl. - Malloy, you son of a bitch!

Prove daddy's not crazy, or I'll rip your [bleep] head off!

- Wow. Textbook psycho.

- No, I'm not crazy, doc!

I'm telling you, I have a talking bear!

- And I have a singing beaver!

♪ hello, my baby hello, my honey ♪

♪ hello, my ragtime gal ♪

- Wake up, steve!

- Ethel, it's 4:00 a.M.

- That's right. There's no sleeping when you have a baby.

- I'm baby firecracker jim, god damn it!

- After tonight we'll see who wants to keep this baby.

Welcome to fatherhood.

- Change me, daddy! I done shit up my back!

- It's okay. We'll get baby nice and clean.

- You ever seen a baby with pubes?

I'm pissing 'cause I'm angry, and I can't express it in words!

- So you're telling me all of woody's stories are true?

- Yeah, woody was a fish just before I gave birth

To the antichrist.

- You gave birth to the antichrist?

- [high-pitched voice] of course she did.

- Yeah, that hand's right.

It was right after I banged that thawed-out cavewoman.

Now can we go?

I gotta buy a breast pump for my friend steve.

He pregnant. - A man is pregnant?

- Oh, that's nothing. All kinds of stuff happens to steve.

He was a black guy, a gay man, a gay woman,

And a quadriplegic that ate his own shit.

- See?

What is so crazy about these goddamn stories?

- What do you mean you don't want the money?

- I tried to be difficult,

But that steve feller took good care of me!

He's gon' be a real good daddy.

- Guess I'll have to take matters into my own hands.

Steve, we need to talk.

Whoa.

- Oh, yeah. That's hot.

- This for a magazine or something?

- No, no, just for me.

Now, bend over and show me your pooterus.

- Steve, I owe you an apology.

I've been horrible to you lately,

But seeing you like this...

Oh, and like that...

And not so much that one.

But it makes me realize that I do want

To have this baby with you.

- That's great, ethel.

- So what do you say you and I go

On some perfectly safe family fun activities?

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

[both grunt]

- Oof! Ow! Ow!

[screaming]

Ahh!

- You don't know. You don't know.

You don't know. You don't know.

- Of course I don't know.

It's called "guess who," mother[bleep].

- Where's connie? We need to talk.

- I think she made a new friend.

- Whee! We're going to india! - [cackling]

- Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Oh, boy! - All right, you cuckoos.

It's time to bust out of this nest.

- Why? - So let's--

What do you mean why?

We're in a goddamn mental institution.

- Aw, I like it here. - Yeah, I like it too.

I mean, it's a little cold, but...

- Cold? That's your complaint? It's cold?

You two are busting out whether you like it or not.

So here's the plan.

First, we're going to tunnel through the wall

With this spoon.

Then we'll crawl through the storm drains

Until we get to the parking lot.

Connie will then chloroform the guards

As denzel hijacks a car,

Which we'll use to bust through the gates

And drive ourselves to freedom.

Now, let's do this!

Oh, shit!

- Trying to escape, huh?

Take him to...

The special treatment room.

- Special treatment room? That sounds awesome.

I hope this means I get a new roommate.

- Ta-da!

All on the left: Pro-life! All on the right: Pro-choice!

All on the left: Pro-life! All on the right: Pro-choice!

All on the left: Pro-life! All on the right: Pro-choice!

- Hold on! Wait a minute! Is that a pregnant dude?

Dear lord! It's an abomination to god!

He should abort it.

- No, he shouldn't! It's a miracle of science!

All on the right: Pro-choice! All on the left: Pro-life!

All on the right: Pro-choice! All on the left: Pro-life!

- Dead baby, dead baby, dead baby.

- We have a heartbeat. - Damn it!

[bleep] you, god.

I mean yay.

- Isn't this wonderful, ethel?

And after all that couple stuff we did,

You and I are even closer.

- Steve, I don't want this baby! I never wanted this baby!

For god's sake, I pushed you down a flight of stairs

Into a pile of coat hangers!

- If it's a boy, could we name him "dracula untold"?

- [sighs] it's not about you, steve.

I just don't want to be a mother, ever.

I wouldn't want this baby, even if it were someone else's.

- Funny you should say that, because it is someone else's.

This guy's.

- I hear there's an heir

To the skymall family fortune!

- Rich, is this true?

- Yes, according to

My dna-paternity test/ lord voldemort wall display.

Skymall! - I'm gonna be a mommy!

- When I heard you were pregnant,

I knew it was mine.

I've got strong swimmers, thanks to my travel-sized sperm-ometer.

Skymall after dark! Shh!

- This is bullshit!

When did you even sleep together?

- The night we went to epstein's bar.

- Aha! That's impossible

Because ethel slept with me that night, remember?

- I don't remember anything from that night.

- [gulping, sucking]

- Well, we did sleep together, and I can prove it!

I videotaped the night we had sex.

Okay, future steve and future ethel,

You guys hard?

[bleep] yeah, you're hard.

The things I'm about to do to past ethel

Are gonna blow your mind.

[snoring]

What--what happened?

Get up, past steve!

Oh, god! He's dead!

Who are you texting?

- Yes! I didn't make love to steve!

- God, this couldn't get any worse.

- Uh! Uh! Skymall!

- Woody, I'm going to rid you of your delusions.

If you answer my questions with an irrational response,

I will shock you.

- You can do this, johnson. Just lie your way through it.

- You're also attached to a lie detector.

So if you lie, I will shock you.

- Oh, shit.

- Question one: Do you live with a talking bear?

- Yes, I don't. Ha. That ought to--

[buzzing] [screams]

- That was a lie.

- Okay, I do!

[buzzing] [screams]

- That was delusional.

- What the hell do you want?

- I want to help you.

Again, do you live with a talking bear?

- What happens if I don't answer?

- You get an ice cream.

- I get an ice cream? - Delusional.

[buzzing] [screams]

- Thanks for meeting us, steve.

We want to talk about you being our surrogate.

Skymall! - I have some terms.

- Um, okay.

How bad can it be?

- I want rich to die. - Not gonna happen.

- Worth a shot.

"dead. Die. Death. Paralyzed."

- Steve, steve, steve, I understand you're upset,

But as payment for being our surrogate,

I'm prepared to offer you $100,000

In skymall credit.

- The only thing I want is ethel.

I know we don't always get along,

And my bank account's

Just a jizz-stained sock full of pennies, but--

- Would you like to make another deposit,

You freaky bastard?

- Anyway, I know that, if you would just give me a chance,

I could make you happy.

That's why I put this baby in me.

- Wow, steve.

That's so...

Sad that's not gonna happen.

Once you have this baby, rich and I are moving

To his skymall offices in japan.

- I want an abortion!

Dr. Kuzniak, I need to schedule a--oh.

How'd you get here so fast?

- Oh, I was heading to the university

For a little post-spring break cleanup.

Choco taco?

- Steve, you can't get an abortion!

- Yes, I can! My body, my choice!

- He's right!

- But it was in my body first,

So it's still my choice. - She's right!

- But it was my seed,

So I should make the choice for everybody.

- Anybody else confused? - Yeah, I am.

- I say we all agree to kill this [bleep]

And go to hooters and look at some titties.

- Sounds good to me. I'm a lesbian.

- Sounds good to me. I'm a hypocrite.

All: Kill! Kill! Kill! Kill! Kill! Kill!

- With pleasure.

Just one problem: My water broke.

- Well, looks like I'll have to kill this thing on the outside.

- Steve, breathe. Ethel, hold his hand.

Dr. Kuzniak, look up how schwarzenegger gave birth

In the movie junior.

Ah, c-section.

But enough about my theater seats.

How do I get this baby out?

[stomach growls]

- Wow. Haven't heard that sound ever.

Why isn't this fridge magically filling itself?

[electrical fizzling]

Woody, you forgot to pay the power bill!

Oh, that's right.

I guess I have to spring him from that nuthouse.

- [barks]

[pop]

I want to be inside you.

- Why is that thing glowing?

- Happy tree. Happy tree. Happy tree.

- Does something seem weird about woody?

- No. - Woody, pack your straitjacket.

We're getting out of here.

- Ah! No! The demon from my mind!

Get away from me! You're not real!

- Is this real?

- Jesus christ! - Ha ha! Yes, my son?

- [sighs] hey, doc. Turns out I can talk.

So I'll be taking home the fat, the black, and the ugly.

- It's a talking bear! It's a talking bear!

- Growl. - It's a talking bear!

No! No! You saw it! He was talking! He's a mother--

He was talking!

- Oh, no! Not the bees! Not the bees!

Ahh! My eyes! My eyes! [gibberish]

[coughs]

- Here comes that bundle of joy.

- This is gonna be the greatest day of my life.

- Congratulations.

You've given birth to a beautiful,

5-pound, 2-ounce tumor.

All: What?

- But how is that possible?

- Hmm, I guess you never were pregnant.

I must have transferred an ovarian cyst from ethel's body

Into yours, thinking it was an embryo.

- What about the ultrasound and the checkups

And the skymall dna test?

- Well, skymall products are shit.

The rest are oversights that result

From having your own prescription pad.

- Well, I'm out of here,

Using my patented skymall flying squirrel suit.

Skymall! [glass shatters]

[crash] [car alarm blares]

- All right. I'm leaving.

- Wait. So if it was a tumor, whose choice was it?

- You don't know. You don't know.

You don't know.

And none of us do, frankly.

Abortion is a very complicated issue.

- Oh, who gives a shit?

I thought we were going to hooters.

- Well, all's well that ends well.

I'll go grind this into taco meat.

- No! Mwah.

I'm keeping it!

- Aah!