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1
00:00:02,268 --> 00:00:04,036
- Here's to having
nothing to celebrate.
2
00:00:04,038 --> 00:00:05,938
- Actually,
today's my birthday.
3
00:00:05,940 --> 00:00:07,973
- Like I said,
nothing to celebrate!
4
00:00:07,975 --> 00:00:09,341
- Hey, where's malloy?
5
00:00:09,343 --> 00:00:11,343
- Eh, he couldn't be here.
He got tied up.
6
00:00:11,345 --> 00:00:14,013
- I'm going
to get woody for this.
7
00:00:14,015 --> 00:00:15,280
Oh, god!
8
00:00:15,282 --> 00:00:17,883
Why are you looking at me
like that?
9
00:00:17,885 --> 00:00:19,618
[dog grunts]
10
00:00:19,620 --> 00:00:22,388
That is an odd place
to keep your lipstick.
11
00:00:22,390 --> 00:00:23,355
- What's the matter, buddy?
12
00:00:23,357 --> 00:00:24,556
Are you still bummed
13
00:00:24,558 --> 00:00:26,191
About your episode
of intervention?
14
00:00:26,193 --> 00:00:28,827
- Steve, we're here
because we all love you,
15
00:00:28,829 --> 00:00:31,363
But you've got
to stop jizzing inside us.
16
00:00:31,365 --> 00:00:34,233
- I'm sorry.
It just feels so good.
17
00:00:34,235 --> 00:00:35,868
- Feels good?
18
00:00:35,870 --> 00:00:38,237
I'm stiff as a board,
you freaky bastard!
19
00:00:38,239 --> 00:00:39,905
- Nah, it's ethel.
20
00:00:39,907 --> 00:00:41,240
You know how much I like her,
21
00:00:41,242 --> 00:00:42,975
But she won't give me
the time of day.
22
00:00:42,977 --> 00:00:45,244
Now she's dating
the ceo of skymall.
23
00:00:45,246 --> 00:00:47,880
What does he have that I don't?
- Telephone shoes?
24
00:00:47,882 --> 00:00:49,248
[dialing]
25
00:00:49,250 --> 00:00:51,483
- You're right.
I don't stand a chance.
26
00:00:51,485 --> 00:00:53,886
- Steve, you got to get women
when they're down.
27
00:00:53,888 --> 00:00:55,554
That's what I do, literally.
28
00:00:55,556 --> 00:00:57,489
I get life alert calls
forwarded to my phone.
29
00:00:57,491 --> 00:00:59,058
[cell phone beeps]
30
00:00:59,060 --> 00:01:00,893
- I've fallen,
and I can't get up!
31
00:01:00,895 --> 00:01:02,194
- See if you can slip
your panties off.
32
00:01:02,196 --> 00:01:04,029
I'll be there in a minute.
33
00:01:04,031 --> 00:01:06,999
- It may look like an ordinary
fan-cooled solar safari hat,
34
00:01:07,001 --> 00:01:08,434
But it's also a litter box.
35
00:01:08,436 --> 00:01:10,235
[cat meows]
skymall!
36
00:01:10,237 --> 00:01:11,904
- That's amazing.
37
00:01:11,906 --> 00:01:14,506
I was just telling a friend
that I wish I had a hat
38
00:01:14,508 --> 00:01:17,176
That a cat could shit in.
- Skymall!
39
00:01:17,178 --> 00:01:20,045
- Listen, I know we've only
been on a couple of dates,
40
00:01:20,047 --> 00:01:22,581
But I see a real future for us.
41
00:01:22,583 --> 00:01:26,185
- I thought you might say that.
That's why I got you this.
42
00:01:26,187 --> 00:01:29,421
- [gasps] oh, my god!
The answer is ye--
43
00:01:29,423 --> 00:01:32,524
- It's the world's smallest
white noise machine.
44
00:01:32,526 --> 00:01:34,393
- What?
But what about us?
45
00:01:34,395 --> 00:01:36,462
- We're done.
I'm not ready to settle down.
46
00:01:36,464 --> 00:01:38,263
But you can set this
to heavy rain
47
00:01:38,265 --> 00:01:40,265
To mask the sound
of your tears.
48
00:01:40,267 --> 00:01:42,434
- You're breaking up with me?
49
00:01:43,937 --> 00:01:46,638
- Skymall!
50
00:01:46,640 --> 00:01:49,274
- Give me that.
- Steve, now's your chance.
51
00:01:49,276 --> 00:01:51,410
Ethel's lower
than abe vigoda's left nut.
52
00:01:51,412 --> 00:01:53,412
- Her next bottle's on me.
53
00:01:53,414 --> 00:01:55,981
- No, I'll call you,
I promise.
54
00:01:55,983 --> 00:01:59,418
We just [bleep] in the bathroom.
I'm out!
55
00:01:59,420 --> 00:02:01,286
- Are you sure
you're okay to drive?
56
00:02:01,288 --> 00:02:04,456
- Are you sure you're okay to
mind your own goddamn business?
57
00:02:04,458 --> 00:02:06,158
I'm fine.
58
00:02:07,427 --> 00:02:08,594
You're doing good, johnson.
59
00:02:08,596 --> 00:02:10,462
Just keep it between the lines.
60
00:02:10,464 --> 00:02:13,232
[water bubbling]
61
00:02:13,234 --> 00:02:16,001
Oh, crap. Malloy, quick!
Get behind the wheel!
62
00:02:16,003 --> 00:02:17,469
Malloy!
63
00:02:17,471 --> 00:02:20,239
Ah!
I thought red meant stop!
64
00:02:20,241 --> 00:02:23,942
[rousing music]
65
00:02:23,944 --> 00:02:25,110
- [screams]
66
00:02:25,112 --> 00:02:30,315
- ♪ brickleberry ♪
67
00:02:31,251 --> 00:02:33,285
- [groans]
68
00:02:33,287 --> 00:02:35,587
What did I do last night?
69
00:02:35,589 --> 00:02:37,289
- [whispering]
I was inside of you.
70
00:02:37,291 --> 00:02:38,690
- [screams]
71
00:02:38,692 --> 00:02:40,125
[screams]
72
00:02:40,127 --> 00:02:43,462
Oh, god!
Okay, ethel, don't panic.
73
00:02:43,464 --> 00:02:45,264
You know what to do.
74
00:02:45,266 --> 00:02:47,966
[sobbing]
75
00:02:47,968 --> 00:02:50,536
Listen, steve, you can't
tell anyone about this.
76
00:02:50,538 --> 00:02:53,272
- Why not? It was the best night
of our lives.
77
00:02:53,274 --> 00:02:55,274
- No, it was not.
78
00:02:55,276 --> 00:02:57,442
I had too much to drink,
and I made a mistake.
79
00:02:57,444 --> 00:02:58,977
So keep your mouth shut.
[scrubbing]
80
00:02:58,979 --> 00:03:01,113
- What kind of guy
do you think I am?
81
00:03:02,382 --> 00:03:05,184
♪ I [bleep] ethel
I [bleep] ethel ♪
82
00:03:05,186 --> 00:03:07,452
♪ I [bleep] ethel, yeah! ♪
83
00:03:07,454 --> 00:03:09,288
[applause]
84
00:03:09,290 --> 00:03:11,356
- Why did I pay to see this?
85
00:03:14,127 --> 00:03:17,129
I don't subscribe
to psoriasis weekly.
86
00:03:17,131 --> 00:03:19,231
- Hey, love bagel.
87
00:03:19,233 --> 00:03:21,233
Where should I put
my viggo mortensen
88
00:03:21,235 --> 00:03:23,168
Up-skirt-shot
coffee-table book?
89
00:03:23,170 --> 00:03:25,003
- Steve, are you trying
to move in?
90
00:03:25,005 --> 00:03:26,071
- We had sex, didn't we?
91
00:03:26,073 --> 00:03:27,406
It's only a matter of time
92
00:03:27,408 --> 00:03:28,407
Before we have
our marvel heroes wedding.
93
00:03:28,409 --> 00:03:29,708
- Steve, wake up!
94
00:03:29,710 --> 00:03:31,710
Just because
we had drunken mistake sex
95
00:03:31,712 --> 00:03:33,712
Doesn't mean
we're in a relationship.
96
00:03:33,714 --> 00:03:37,082
- Really? Then why did I buy us
those his-and-her tombstones?
97
00:03:38,818 --> 00:03:41,220
We die by murder-suicide
in 2016.
98
00:03:41,222 --> 00:03:44,223
I'm so excited!
99
00:03:44,225 --> 00:03:48,060
- I can't believe that dui judge
gave me community service.
100
00:03:48,062 --> 00:03:50,362
- You drove to court drunk.
101
00:03:50,364 --> 00:03:52,064
- I drink when I'm nervous
102
00:03:52,066 --> 00:03:55,200
And sad and mad and happy.
103
00:03:55,202 --> 00:03:58,370
♪ I'm an alcoholic,
da-da-da-da-da-doo ♪
104
00:03:58,372 --> 00:03:59,705
No, really,
I have a problem.
105
00:03:59,707 --> 00:04:02,274
- Yeah. You left me tied
to a post all night.
106
00:04:02,276 --> 00:04:05,043
Now this rottweiler won't stop
leaving me creepy voice mails.
107
00:04:05,045 --> 00:04:07,045
- [barking]
108
00:04:07,047 --> 00:04:08,080
[whispering]
let me suck it.
109
00:04:08,082 --> 00:04:09,548
- I don't get it, denzel.
110
00:04:09,550 --> 00:04:11,416
I thought once ethel
had some steve in the beav,
111
00:04:11,418 --> 00:04:13,352
She'd never leave.
- Hey, at least you got some.
112
00:04:13,354 --> 00:04:14,753
Think about how connie feels.
113
00:04:14,755 --> 00:04:16,421
She's been in love with ethel
for years.
114
00:04:16,423 --> 00:04:18,457
- Oh, I'm totally over it.
115
00:04:18,459 --> 00:04:22,361
Off topic, if you guys had to
get murdered in the workplace,
116
00:04:22,363 --> 00:04:26,765
Would you prefer an ar-15 or
being hacked up with a machete?
117
00:04:26,767 --> 00:04:28,867
[high-pitched voice]
I think they want both.
118
00:04:28,869 --> 00:04:30,669
- [urinating]
119
00:04:32,572 --> 00:04:35,607
- I'm still inside you.
120
00:04:35,609 --> 00:04:36,742
- [screams]
121
00:04:36,744 --> 00:04:38,210
Don't go in there.
122
00:04:38,212 --> 00:04:41,079
I, uh...
Made a fat, smelly shit.
123
00:04:41,081 --> 00:04:42,314
So embarrassing.
124
00:04:42,316 --> 00:04:43,715
- Not as embarrassing
as the fact
125
00:04:43,717 --> 00:04:46,084
That you made love
to a fat, smelly shit.
126
00:04:46,086 --> 00:04:48,754
- Mmm, this fun dip
tastes like piss.
127
00:04:48,756 --> 00:04:52,090
- That's a pregnancy test,
you dumb son of a bitch.
128
00:04:52,092 --> 00:04:55,460
- Oh, my god!
Ethel's gonna have my baby!
129
00:04:55,462 --> 00:04:57,429
- Congrats, buddy!
Way to trap that bitch!
130
00:04:57,431 --> 00:04:59,798
- Yeah, I'm really happy
for you.
131
00:04:59,800 --> 00:05:02,100
- Actually, steve,
I thought a lot about this
132
00:05:02,102 --> 00:05:03,602
In the last 30 seconds,
133
00:05:03,604 --> 00:05:05,637
And I don't think I'm ready
to have a kid.
134
00:05:05,639 --> 00:05:07,339
- But don't I get a say?
135
00:05:07,341 --> 00:05:09,741
I'd never abort a baby,
especially ours.
136
00:05:09,743 --> 00:05:12,444
- Sorry, steve.
It's just not your decision.
137
00:05:12,446 --> 00:05:14,413
- Why not?
I'm the father.
138
00:05:14,415 --> 00:05:17,249
- That doesn't matter.
My body, my choice.
139
00:05:17,251 --> 00:05:20,252
- But, ethel, if there's
no baby, there's no us.
140
00:05:20,254 --> 00:05:21,853
- Exactly--
I've already made an appointment
141
00:05:21,855 --> 00:05:23,422
At the best clinic in town.
142
00:05:23,424 --> 00:05:26,325
[la cucaracha playing]
143
00:05:26,327 --> 00:05:28,160
♪ ♪
144
00:05:28,162 --> 00:05:32,531
- An abortionmobile/taco truck
is the best clinic in town?
145
00:05:32,533 --> 00:05:35,133
- Yes.
This town sucks.
146
00:05:35,135 --> 00:05:38,503
- Abortion is
a sin against god!
147
00:05:38,505 --> 00:05:40,439
- No!
It's a civil right!
148
00:05:40,441 --> 00:05:42,307
- I'm just here
for the chimichangas.
149
00:05:42,309 --> 00:05:44,776
- This is murder!
150
00:05:44,778 --> 00:05:46,378
- I'll tell you what's murder.
151
00:05:46,380 --> 00:05:49,448
The price they charge
for a side of chipot-le.
152
00:05:49,450 --> 00:05:52,617
- [humming]
153
00:05:52,619 --> 00:05:55,954
Ah, ethel, welcome
to my abortionmobile/taqueria.
154
00:05:55,956 --> 00:05:58,824
Or as the local yokels call it,
the die-eria.
155
00:05:58,826 --> 00:06:00,325
[chuckles]
156
00:06:00,327 --> 00:06:04,296
[trills tongue]
- uh, this is safe, right?
157
00:06:04,298 --> 00:06:07,399
- Perfectly safe...
For the woman, not the baby.
158
00:06:07,401 --> 00:06:10,369
- Wait. You're not going to use
dirty cooking utensils?
159
00:06:10,371 --> 00:06:11,570
- No, of course not, ethel.
160
00:06:11,572 --> 00:06:13,238
I'm going
to sanitize them first.
161
00:06:13,240 --> 00:06:14,573
[loud banging]
162
00:06:14,575 --> 00:06:16,408
Okay, ready to go.
163
00:06:16,410 --> 00:06:17,743
Before you go through
with this,
164
00:06:17,745 --> 00:06:20,579
I must ask, are you sure
about this decision?
165
00:06:20,581 --> 00:06:22,647
- This is the hardest choice
a woman can make, but--
166
00:06:22,649 --> 00:06:23,915
- Sorry.
I was talking to a customer.
167
00:06:23,917 --> 00:06:25,751
Okay, carne asada it is.
168
00:06:25,753 --> 00:06:28,887
But fair warning, the picante
sauce is muy caliente.
169
00:06:28,889 --> 00:06:31,056
- That's okay,
as long as it ain't hot.
170
00:06:32,225 --> 00:06:33,692
- You don't know.
171
00:06:33,694 --> 00:06:35,594
You don't know. You don't know.
- [cackling]
172
00:06:35,596 --> 00:06:37,929
- Rackin' frackin'
community service.
173
00:06:37,931 --> 00:06:40,198
Working around
a bunch of goddamn nut jobs
174
00:06:40,200 --> 00:06:41,867
Who sit around
and mumble to themselves.
175
00:06:41,869 --> 00:06:43,402
[mumbling]
176
00:06:43,404 --> 00:06:44,870
- Is everything all right, sir?
177
00:06:44,872 --> 00:06:48,407
- Oh, never better!
I love these wacky bastards.
178
00:06:48,409 --> 00:06:49,708
Oh, you're a dad, huh?
179
00:06:49,710 --> 00:06:51,276
Yeah, my son yelled at me
180
00:06:51,278 --> 00:06:52,677
'cause I tied him up
outside of a bar.
181
00:06:52,679 --> 00:06:54,346
- You did what?
182
00:06:54,348 --> 00:06:56,915
- Oh, don't worry.
My son's a talking bear.
183
00:06:56,917 --> 00:06:59,751
- Why don't you have a seat?
184
00:06:59,753 --> 00:07:02,587
This talking bear--does he
ever tell you to do things
185
00:07:02,589 --> 00:07:04,723
That would hurt yourself
or others?
186
00:07:04,725 --> 00:07:06,525
- Are you shitting me?
That's all he does!
187
00:07:06,527 --> 00:07:08,260
One time he turned me
into a fish!
188
00:07:08,262 --> 00:07:10,262
- I see.
189
00:07:10,264 --> 00:07:12,264
- Yeah, he can be
a sarcastic little asshole,
190
00:07:12,266 --> 00:07:14,733
But I know he loves me,
'cause one time I was gonna get
191
00:07:14,735 --> 00:07:16,435
On a spaceship
with my girlfriend,
192
00:07:16,437 --> 00:07:17,736
And he saved me
with a jet pack.
193
00:07:17,738 --> 00:07:19,438
- We got a nut job.
194
00:07:19,440 --> 00:07:21,306
- Let me tell you about the time
he directed my porno.
195
00:07:21,308 --> 00:07:23,442
Aah!
Are you [bleep] crazy?
196
00:07:23,444 --> 00:07:25,477
I'm not crazy!
You're crazy!
197
00:07:25,479 --> 00:07:28,914
- And punchito!
Congratulations, ethel.
198
00:07:28,916 --> 00:07:31,249
15 abortions gets you
a free chalupa.
199
00:07:31,251 --> 00:07:33,618
- Thanks, but I'll never
get over how traumatic
200
00:07:33,620 --> 00:07:35,053
That experience was.
201
00:07:35,055 --> 00:07:36,555
- Would you like
to start a new card?
202
00:07:36,557 --> 00:07:37,789
- Yeah, might as well.
203
00:07:37,791 --> 00:07:39,591
Steve, what are you doing here?
204
00:07:39,593 --> 00:07:41,760
- Just sealing the deal I made
with the doc.
205
00:07:41,762 --> 00:07:43,829
- Uh, what kind of a deal?
206
00:07:43,831 --> 00:07:46,465
- It's not exactly ethical,
but he paid cash,
207
00:07:46,467 --> 00:07:47,933
And, well, I'm a whore.
208
00:07:47,935 --> 00:07:49,434
- See, after dr. Kuzniak
209
00:07:49,436 --> 00:07:50,836
Sucked the embryo
out of your body,
210
00:07:50,838 --> 00:07:52,437
He put it in mine.
211
00:07:52,439 --> 00:07:54,272
I'm pregnant!
- What?
212
00:07:54,274 --> 00:07:57,075
- Now you're inside me!
213
00:07:57,077 --> 00:07:59,978
- Nobody eat the salsa.
There's been a terrible mix-up.
214
00:07:59,980 --> 00:08:01,780
[all gasp]
215
00:08:01,782 --> 00:08:02,848
[chip crunches]
216
00:08:06,486 --> 00:08:09,488
- Baby sean johns?
Thank you, denzel.
217
00:08:09,490 --> 00:08:11,923
And thank you, connie,
for the baby massager.
218
00:08:11,925 --> 00:08:13,658
[vibrating]
- hey, look at that.
219
00:08:13,660 --> 00:08:15,627
Connie rubbed all the veins off
for you.
220
00:08:15,629 --> 00:08:17,028
- Oh! Oh! Oh!
Open mine!
221
00:08:17,030 --> 00:08:20,765
I have a feeling
it's going to be a girl!
222
00:08:20,767 --> 00:08:22,634
- Free pole dancing classes?
223
00:08:22,636 --> 00:08:25,437
- If she's got a hole,
she belongs on a pole.
224
00:08:25,439 --> 00:08:27,439
- What a wonderful baby shower.
225
00:08:27,441 --> 00:08:28,974
- Damn, steve.
It's only been two days,
226
00:08:28,976 --> 00:08:30,609
And you're already showing.
227
00:08:30,611 --> 00:08:32,777
- Dr. Kuzniak said
the testosterone in my body
228
00:08:32,779 --> 00:08:34,446
Will speed up the pregnancy.
229
00:08:34,448 --> 00:08:36,448
- Steve,
you're a [bleep] asshole!
230
00:08:36,450 --> 00:08:38,517
- That's why
I bought this onesie.
231
00:08:38,519 --> 00:08:40,118
- I made a choice
to end this pregnancy,
232
00:08:40,120 --> 00:08:41,786
And you took that choice
away from me.
233
00:08:41,788 --> 00:08:43,655
- I don't understand
why you're so upset.
234
00:08:43,657 --> 00:08:46,892
Now that our baby's in my body,
I'll do the work for you.
235
00:08:46,894 --> 00:08:48,894
That's why you wanted
to get an abortion, right?
236
00:08:48,896 --> 00:08:52,030
- No, steve,
it's a woman's decision.
237
00:08:52,032 --> 00:08:54,065
- But it's in my body.
238
00:08:54,067 --> 00:08:57,402
Like you said,
my body, my choice.
239
00:08:57,404 --> 00:09:00,038
- That's not--no.
You guys, back me up here.
240
00:09:00,040 --> 00:09:01,740
- It's in his body, ethel.
241
00:09:01,742 --> 00:09:03,074
- You said
that's all that matters.
242
00:09:03,076 --> 00:09:05,043
- Here, ethel.
This should cheer you up.
243
00:09:05,045 --> 00:09:07,846
I put your picture and steve's
picture into a computer program.
244
00:09:07,848 --> 00:09:10,682
This is what your baby
will look like.
245
00:09:10,684 --> 00:09:14,152
- Oh, my god!
No!
246
00:09:15,154 --> 00:09:16,922
[dog barking over phone]
247
00:09:16,924 --> 00:09:19,891
- Listen, you sick puppy,
I told you to stop calling me.
248
00:09:19,893 --> 00:09:22,027
[phone beeps, vibrates]
249
00:09:22,029 --> 00:09:24,095
Leave me alone,
you piece of shit!
250
00:09:24,097 --> 00:09:26,765
- No, it's me, woody.
- Yeah, I know.
251
00:09:26,767 --> 00:09:28,667
- Look,
these assholes committed me.
252
00:09:28,669 --> 00:09:30,001
Get down here,
and prove you can talk.
253
00:09:30,003 --> 00:09:31,836
I've gotta get out of here.
254
00:09:31,838 --> 00:09:34,406
I'm roommates with a guy
who thinks he's nicolas cage.
255
00:09:34,408 --> 00:09:35,840
- Okay, let's ride!
256
00:09:35,842 --> 00:09:38,410
- Or maybe that is nicolas cage.
I don't know.
257
00:09:38,412 --> 00:09:39,911
Either way,
he's [bleep] nuts.
258
00:09:39,913 --> 00:09:42,447
- Have you ever been
dragged onto the sidewalk
259
00:09:42,449 --> 00:09:46,952
And beat
until you pissed blood?
260
00:09:46,954 --> 00:09:49,588
- Okay, malloy, start talking.
261
00:09:51,557 --> 00:09:53,792
[chuckles]
I swear he can.
262
00:09:53,794 --> 00:09:55,760
Usually,
he's a real chatterbox,
263
00:09:55,762 --> 00:09:57,696
When he's not being
a spiteful dick!
264
00:09:57,698 --> 00:09:59,464
Please, malloy, talk!
265
00:09:59,466 --> 00:10:02,133
- Growl.
- Malloy, you son of a bitch!
266
00:10:02,135 --> 00:10:05,870
Prove daddy's not crazy, or I'll
rip your [bleep] head off!
267
00:10:05,872 --> 00:10:08,707
- Wow.
Textbook psycho.
268
00:10:08,709 --> 00:10:10,442
- No, I'm not crazy, doc!
269
00:10:10,444 --> 00:10:13,144
I'm telling you,
I have a talking bear!
270
00:10:13,146 --> 00:10:15,480
- And I have a singing beaver!
271
00:10:15,482 --> 00:10:17,749
♪ hello, my baby
hello, my honey ♪
272
00:10:17,751 --> 00:10:20,218
♪ hello, my ragtime gal ♪
273
00:10:21,220 --> 00:10:23,755
- Wake up, steve!
274
00:10:23,757 --> 00:10:26,057
- Ethel, it's 4:00 a.M.
275
00:10:26,059 --> 00:10:29,894
- That's right. There's no
sleeping when you have a baby.
276
00:10:29,896 --> 00:10:32,464
- I'm baby firecracker jim,
god damn it!
277
00:10:32,466 --> 00:10:34,933
- After tonight we'll see
who wants to keep this baby.
278
00:10:34,935 --> 00:10:36,735
Welcome to fatherhood.
279
00:10:36,737 --> 00:10:39,638
- Change me, daddy!
I done shit up my back!
280
00:10:39,640 --> 00:10:42,674
- It's okay.
We'll get baby nice and clean.
281
00:10:44,010 --> 00:10:46,578
- You ever seen
a baby with pubes?
282
00:10:46,580 --> 00:10:51,516
I'm pissing 'cause I'm angry,
and I can't express it in words!
283
00:10:51,518 --> 00:10:55,153
- So you're telling me
all of woody's stories are true?
284
00:10:55,155 --> 00:10:58,089
- Yeah, woody was a fish
just before I gave birth
285
00:10:58,091 --> 00:10:59,591
To the antichrist.
286
00:10:59,593 --> 00:11:01,860
- You gave birth
to the antichrist?
287
00:11:01,862 --> 00:11:03,662
- [high-pitched voice]
of course she did.
288
00:11:03,664 --> 00:11:05,263
- Yeah, that hand's right.
289
00:11:05,265 --> 00:11:06,865
It was right after I banged
that thawed-out cavewoman.
290
00:11:06,867 --> 00:11:08,500
Now can we go?
291
00:11:08,502 --> 00:11:10,101
I gotta buy a breast pump
for my friend steve.
292
00:11:10,103 --> 00:11:12,671
He pregnant.
- A man is pregnant?
293
00:11:12,673 --> 00:11:15,540
- Oh, that's nothing. All kinds
of stuff happens to steve.
294
00:11:15,542 --> 00:11:18,610
He was a black guy,
a gay man, a gay woman,
295
00:11:18,612 --> 00:11:20,612
And a quadriplegic
that ate his own shit.
296
00:11:20,614 --> 00:11:21,980
- See?
297
00:11:21,982 --> 00:11:27,018
What is so crazy
about these goddamn stories?
298
00:11:27,020 --> 00:11:28,286
- What do you mean
you don't want the money?
299
00:11:28,288 --> 00:11:30,288
- I tried to be difficult,
300
00:11:30,290 --> 00:11:32,557
But that steve feller
took good care of me!
301
00:11:32,559 --> 00:11:35,960
He's gon' be a real good daddy.
302
00:11:35,962 --> 00:11:39,064
- Guess I'll have to take
matters into my own hands.
303
00:11:39,066 --> 00:11:41,132
Steve, we need to talk.
304
00:11:41,134 --> 00:11:42,233
Whoa.
305
00:11:42,235 --> 00:11:44,803
- Oh, yeah. That's hot.
306
00:11:44,805 --> 00:11:46,871
- This for a magazine
or something?
307
00:11:46,873 --> 00:11:48,206
- No, no, just for me.
308
00:11:48,208 --> 00:11:51,242
Now, bend over
and show me your pooterus.
309
00:11:51,244 --> 00:11:53,645
- Steve, I owe you an apology.
310
00:11:53,647 --> 00:11:55,013
I've been horrible
to you lately,
311
00:11:55,015 --> 00:11:57,048
But seeing you like this...
312
00:11:57,050 --> 00:11:59,184
Oh, and like that...
313
00:11:59,186 --> 00:12:00,752
And not so much that one.
314
00:12:00,754 --> 00:12:03,088
But it makes me realize
that I do want
315
00:12:03,090 --> 00:12:04,155
To have this baby with you.
316
00:12:04,157 --> 00:12:06,257
- That's great, ethel.
317
00:12:06,259 --> 00:12:07,926
- So what do you say
you and I go
318
00:12:07,928 --> 00:12:11,029
On some perfectly safe
family fun activities?
319
00:12:11,031 --> 00:12:13,998
[upbeat music]
320
00:12:14,000 --> 00:12:17,669
♪ ♪
321
00:12:17,671 --> 00:12:18,970
[both grunt]
322
00:12:20,740 --> 00:12:22,841
- Oof! Ow! Ow!
323
00:12:22,843 --> 00:12:26,911
[screaming]
324
00:12:26,913 --> 00:12:28,213
Ahh!
325
00:12:28,215 --> 00:12:30,749
- You don't know.
You don't know.
326
00:12:30,751 --> 00:12:32,917
You don't know.
You don't know.
327
00:12:32,919 --> 00:12:34,252
- Of course I don't know.
328
00:12:34,254 --> 00:12:36,221
It's called "guess who,"
mother[bleep].
329
00:12:36,223 --> 00:12:37,789
- Where's connie?
We need to talk.
330
00:12:37,791 --> 00:12:39,257
- I think she made a new friend.
331
00:12:39,259 --> 00:12:41,926
- Whee! We're going to india!
- [cackling]
332
00:12:41,928 --> 00:12:43,928
- Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Oh, boy!
- All right, you cuckoos.
333
00:12:43,930 --> 00:12:45,730
It's time to bust
out of this nest.
334
00:12:45,732 --> 00:12:47,031
- Why?
- So let's--
335
00:12:47,033 --> 00:12:48,600
What do you mean why?
336
00:12:48,602 --> 00:12:50,368
We're
in a goddamn mental institution.
337
00:12:50,370 --> 00:12:53,204
- Aw, I like it here.
- Yeah, I like it too.
338
00:12:53,206 --> 00:12:54,939
I mean, it's a little cold,
but...
339
00:12:54,941 --> 00:12:57,075
- Cold? That's your complaint?
It's cold?
340
00:12:57,077 --> 00:12:59,277
You two are busting out
whether you like it or not.
341
00:12:59,279 --> 00:13:00,945
So here's the plan.
342
00:13:00,947 --> 00:13:02,614
First, we're going to tunnel
through the wall
343
00:13:02,616 --> 00:13:03,915
With this spoon.
344
00:13:03,917 --> 00:13:05,650
Then we'll crawl
through the storm drains
345
00:13:05,652 --> 00:13:07,218
Until we get to the parking lot.
346
00:13:07,220 --> 00:13:08,787
Connie will then chloroform
the guards
347
00:13:08,789 --> 00:13:10,155
As denzel hijacks a car,
348
00:13:10,157 --> 00:13:11,790
Which we'll use
to bust through the gates
349
00:13:11,792 --> 00:13:13,258
And drive ourselves to freedom.
350
00:13:13,260 --> 00:13:16,127
Now, let's do this!
351
00:13:16,129 --> 00:13:18,096
Oh, shit!
352
00:13:18,098 --> 00:13:19,330
- Trying to escape, huh?
353
00:13:19,332 --> 00:13:20,932
Take him to...
354
00:13:20,934 --> 00:13:23,768
The special treatment room.
355
00:13:23,770 --> 00:13:26,104
- Special treatment room?
That sounds awesome.
356
00:13:26,106 --> 00:13:28,072
I hope this means
I get a new roommate.
357
00:13:28,074 --> 00:13:30,341
- Ta-da!
358
00:13:30,343 --> 00:13:32,277
All on the left: Pro-life!
All on the right: Pro-choice!
359
00:13:32,279 --> 00:13:34,112
All on the left: Pro-life!
All on the right: Pro-choice!
360
00:13:34,114 --> 00:13:36,247
All on the left: Pro-life!
All on the right: Pro-choice!
361
00:13:36,249 --> 00:13:40,084
- Hold on! Wait a minute!
Is that a pregnant dude?
362
00:13:40,086 --> 00:13:42,754
Dear lord!
It's an abomination to god!
363
00:13:42,756 --> 00:13:44,355
He should abort it.
364
00:13:44,357 --> 00:13:48,326
- No, he shouldn't!
It's a miracle of science!
365
00:13:51,263 --> 00:13:53,031
All on the right: Pro-choice!
All on the left: Pro-life!
366
00:13:53,033 --> 00:13:56,367
All on the right: Pro-choice!
All on the left: Pro-life!
367
00:13:56,369 --> 00:13:58,937
- Dead baby, dead baby,
dead baby.
368
00:13:58,939 --> 00:14:01,439
- We have a heartbeat.
- Damn it!
369
00:14:01,441 --> 00:14:02,941
[bleep] you, god.
370
00:14:02,943 --> 00:14:04,442
I mean yay.
371
00:14:04,444 --> 00:14:06,044
- Isn't this wonderful, ethel?
372
00:14:06,046 --> 00:14:07,812
And after all
that couple stuff we did,
373
00:14:07,814 --> 00:14:09,881
You and I are even closer.
374
00:14:09,883 --> 00:14:13,151
- Steve, I don't want this baby!
I never wanted this baby!
375
00:14:13,153 --> 00:14:15,453
For god's sake, I pushed
you down a flight of stairs
376
00:14:15,455 --> 00:14:17,322
Into a pile of coat hangers!
377
00:14:17,324 --> 00:14:20,225
- If it's a boy, could we
name him "dracula untold"?
378
00:14:20,227 --> 00:14:22,227
- [sighs]
it's not about you, steve.
379
00:14:22,229 --> 00:14:25,063
I just don't want
to be a mother, ever.
380
00:14:25,065 --> 00:14:27,866
I wouldn't want this baby,
even if it were someone else's.
381
00:14:27,868 --> 00:14:30,401
- Funny you should say that,
because it is someone else's.
382
00:14:30,403 --> 00:14:31,402
This guy's.
383
00:14:31,404 --> 00:14:32,403
- I hear there's an heir
384
00:14:32,405 --> 00:14:34,138
To the skymall family fortune!
385
00:14:34,140 --> 00:14:35,840
- Rich, is this true?
386
00:14:35,842 --> 00:14:37,375
- Yes, according to
387
00:14:37,377 --> 00:14:40,245
My dna-paternity test/
lord voldemort wall display.
388
00:14:40,247 --> 00:14:42,914
Skymall!
- I'm gonna be a mommy!
389
00:14:47,052 --> 00:14:48,052
- When I heard
you were pregnant,
390
00:14:48,054 --> 00:14:49,921
I knew it was mine.
391
00:14:49,923 --> 00:14:52,724
I've got strong swimmers, thanks
to my travel-sized sperm-ometer.
392
00:14:52,726 --> 00:14:54,826
Skymall after dark!
Shh!
393
00:14:54,828 --> 00:14:55,927
- This is bullshit!
394
00:14:55,929 --> 00:14:57,495
When did
you even sleep together?
395
00:14:57,497 --> 00:14:59,364
- The night we went
to epstein's bar.
396
00:14:59,366 --> 00:15:01,232
- Aha!
That's impossible
397
00:15:01,234 --> 00:15:03,835
Because ethel slept with me
that night, remember?
398
00:15:03,837 --> 00:15:05,770
- I don't remember anything
from that night.
399
00:15:05,772 --> 00:15:08,406
- [gulping, sucking]
400
00:15:08,408 --> 00:15:11,242
- Well, we did sleep together,
and I can prove it!
401
00:15:11,244 --> 00:15:14,312
I videotaped the night
we had sex.
402
00:15:17,082 --> 00:15:19,918
Okay, future steve
and future ethel,
403
00:15:19,920 --> 00:15:21,786
You guys hard?
404
00:15:21,788 --> 00:15:23,955
[bleep] yeah, you're hard.
405
00:15:23,957 --> 00:15:26,758
The things I'm about to do
to past ethel
406
00:15:26,760 --> 00:15:30,194
Are gonna blow your mind.
407
00:15:30,196 --> 00:15:31,262
[snoring]
408
00:15:31,264 --> 00:15:33,298
What--what happened?
409
00:15:33,300 --> 00:15:35,033
Get up, past steve!
410
00:15:35,035 --> 00:15:37,235
Oh, god! He's dead!
411
00:15:37,237 --> 00:15:40,138
Who are you texting?
412
00:15:40,140 --> 00:15:43,875
- Yes!
I didn't make love to steve!
413
00:15:43,877 --> 00:15:46,377
- God, this couldn't
get any worse.
414
00:15:46,379 --> 00:15:49,480
- Uh! Uh! Skymall!
415
00:15:49,482 --> 00:15:52,550
- Woody, I'm going
to rid you of your delusions.
416
00:15:52,552 --> 00:15:55,420
If you answer my questions
with an irrational response,
417
00:15:55,422 --> 00:15:57,255
I will shock you.
418
00:15:57,257 --> 00:15:59,390
- You can do this, johnson.
Just lie your way through it.
419
00:15:59,392 --> 00:16:01,592
- You're also attached
to a lie detector.
420
00:16:01,594 --> 00:16:03,895
So if you lie,
I will shock you.
421
00:16:03,897 --> 00:16:05,430
- Oh, shit.
422
00:16:05,432 --> 00:16:09,000
- Question one:
Do you live with a talking bear?
423
00:16:09,002 --> 00:16:11,269
- Yes, I don't. Ha.
That ought to--
424
00:16:11,271 --> 00:16:12,270
[buzzing]
[screams]
425
00:16:12,272 --> 00:16:13,271
- That was a lie.
426
00:16:13,273 --> 00:16:14,439
- Okay, I do!
427
00:16:14,441 --> 00:16:15,840
[buzzing]
[screams]
428
00:16:15,842 --> 00:16:17,141
- That was delusional.
429
00:16:17,143 --> 00:16:18,810
- What the hell do you want?
430
00:16:18,812 --> 00:16:20,345
- I want to help you.
431
00:16:20,347 --> 00:16:24,182
Again, do you live
with a talking bear?
432
00:16:24,184 --> 00:16:26,017
- What happens
if I don't answer?
433
00:16:26,019 --> 00:16:27,585
- You get an ice cream.
434
00:16:27,587 --> 00:16:29,420
- I get an ice cream?
- Delusional.
435
00:16:29,422 --> 00:16:31,889
[buzzing]
[screams]
436
00:16:32,858 --> 00:16:34,292
- Thanks for meeting us, steve.
437
00:16:34,294 --> 00:16:36,160
We want to talk about you
being our surrogate.
438
00:16:36,162 --> 00:16:38,329
Skymall!
- I have some terms.
439
00:16:38,331 --> 00:16:39,964
- Um, okay.
440
00:16:39,966 --> 00:16:41,332
How bad can it be?
441
00:16:41,334 --> 00:16:43,868
- I want rich to die.
- Not gonna happen.
442
00:16:43,870 --> 00:16:45,336
- Worth a shot.
443
00:16:45,338 --> 00:16:48,339
"dead. Die. Death. Paralyzed."
444
00:16:48,341 --> 00:16:52,110
- Steve, steve, steve,
I understand you're upset,
445
00:16:52,112 --> 00:16:54,212
But as payment
for being our surrogate,
446
00:16:54,214 --> 00:16:58,049
I'm prepared
to offer you $100,000
447
00:16:58,051 --> 00:16:59,450
In skymall credit.
448
00:16:59,452 --> 00:17:02,987
- The only thing
I want is ethel.
449
00:17:02,989 --> 00:17:04,889
I know we don't
always get along,
450
00:17:04,891 --> 00:17:06,224
And my bank account's
451
00:17:06,226 --> 00:17:08,192
Just a jizz-stained sock
full of pennies, but--
452
00:17:08,194 --> 00:17:10,161
- Would you like to make
another deposit,
453
00:17:10,163 --> 00:17:12,363
You freaky bastard?
454
00:17:12,365 --> 00:17:15,366
- Anyway, I know that, if you
would just give me a chance,
455
00:17:15,368 --> 00:17:17,068
I could make you happy.
456
00:17:17,070 --> 00:17:19,337
That's why I put
this baby in me.
457
00:17:19,339 --> 00:17:21,339
- Wow, steve.
458
00:17:21,341 --> 00:17:23,007
That's so...
459
00:17:23,009 --> 00:17:24,642
Sad that's not gonna happen.
460
00:17:24,644 --> 00:17:26,377
Once you have this baby,
rich and I are moving
461
00:17:26,379 --> 00:17:28,212
To his skymall offices
in japan.
462
00:17:28,214 --> 00:17:30,648
- I want an abortion!
463
00:17:30,650 --> 00:17:34,185
Dr. Kuzniak,
I need to schedule a--oh.
464
00:17:34,187 --> 00:17:35,486
How'd you get here so fast?
465
00:17:35,488 --> 00:17:37,088
- Oh, I was heading
to the university
466
00:17:37,090 --> 00:17:39,090
For a little
post-spring break cleanup.
467
00:17:39,092 --> 00:17:40,358
Choco taco?
468
00:17:40,360 --> 00:17:42,026
- Steve,
you can't get an abortion!
469
00:17:42,028 --> 00:17:45,897
- Yes, I can!
My body, my choice!
470
00:17:45,899 --> 00:17:46,931
- He's right!
471
00:17:46,933 --> 00:17:48,232
- But it was in my body first,
472
00:17:48,234 --> 00:17:50,501
So it's still my choice.
- She's right!
473
00:17:50,503 --> 00:17:52,070
- But it was my seed,
474
00:17:52,072 --> 00:17:56,107
So I should make the choice
for everybody.
475
00:17:56,109 --> 00:17:59,010
- Anybody else confused?
- Yeah, I am.
476
00:17:59,012 --> 00:18:01,546
- I say we all agree
to kill this [bleep]
477
00:18:01,548 --> 00:18:03,247
And go to hooters
and look at some titties.
478
00:18:03,249 --> 00:18:05,383
- Sounds good to me.
I'm a lesbian.
479
00:18:05,385 --> 00:18:07,285
- Sounds good to me.
I'm a hypocrite.
480
00:18:07,287 --> 00:18:10,555
All: Kill! Kill! Kill!
Kill! Kill! Kill!
481
00:18:10,557 --> 00:18:12,423
- With pleasure.
482
00:18:12,425 --> 00:18:15,426
Just one problem:
My water broke.
483
00:18:15,428 --> 00:18:18,296
- Well, looks like I'll have to
kill this thing on the outside.
484
00:18:23,202 --> 00:18:25,937
- Steve, breathe.
Ethel, hold his hand.
485
00:18:25,939 --> 00:18:28,306
Dr. Kuzniak, look up
how schwarzenegger gave birth
486
00:18:28,308 --> 00:18:29,407
In the movie junior.
487
00:18:29,409 --> 00:18:31,275
Ah, c-section.
488
00:18:31,277 --> 00:18:32,944
But enough
about my theater seats.
489
00:18:32,946 --> 00:18:35,480
How do I get this baby out?
490
00:18:35,482 --> 00:18:38,382
[stomach growls]
491
00:18:38,384 --> 00:18:40,651
- Wow.
Haven't heard that sound ever.
492
00:18:46,625 --> 00:18:50,261
Why isn't this fridge
magically filling itself?
493
00:18:50,263 --> 00:18:52,630
[electrical fizzling]
494
00:18:52,632 --> 00:18:54,632
Woody, you forgot
to pay the power bill!
495
00:18:54,634 --> 00:18:56,300
Oh, that's right.
496
00:18:56,302 --> 00:18:57,969
I guess I have to spring him
from that nuthouse.
497
00:18:57,971 --> 00:19:00,104
- [barks]
498
00:19:00,106 --> 00:19:01,272
[pop]
499
00:19:01,274 --> 00:19:03,241
I want to be inside you.
500
00:19:03,243 --> 00:19:05,109
- Why is that thing glowing?
501
00:19:05,111 --> 00:19:08,513
- Happy tree. Happy tree.
Happy tree.
502
00:19:08,515 --> 00:19:11,449
- Does something seem weird
about woody?
503
00:19:11,451 --> 00:19:13,351
- No.
- Woody, pack your straitjacket.
504
00:19:13,353 --> 00:19:14,519
We're getting out of here.
505
00:19:14,521 --> 00:19:17,488
- Ah! No!
The demon from my mind!
506
00:19:17,490 --> 00:19:19,590
Get away from me!
You're not real!
507
00:19:19,592 --> 00:19:21,092
- Is this real?
508
00:19:21,094 --> 00:19:24,195
- Jesus christ!
- Ha ha! Yes, my son?
509
00:19:24,197 --> 00:19:26,631
- [sighs]
hey, doc. Turns out I can talk.
510
00:19:26,633 --> 00:19:29,300
So I'll be taking home the fat,
the black, and the ugly.
511
00:19:29,302 --> 00:19:33,137
- It's a talking bear!
It's a talking bear!
512
00:19:33,139 --> 00:19:35,273
- Growl.
- It's a talking bear!
513
00:19:35,275 --> 00:19:37,775
No! No! You saw it!
He was talking! He's a mother--
514
00:19:37,777 --> 00:19:39,510
He was talking!
515
00:19:39,512 --> 00:19:42,513
- Oh, no! Not the bees!
Not the bees!
516
00:19:42,515 --> 00:19:47,518
Ahh! My eyes! My eyes!
[gibberish]
517
00:19:47,520 --> 00:19:49,120
[coughs]
518
00:19:51,056 --> 00:19:52,790
- Here comes
that bundle of joy.
519
00:19:52,792 --> 00:19:55,226
- This is gonna be
the greatest day of my life.
520
00:19:55,228 --> 00:19:56,561
- Congratulations.
521
00:19:56,563 --> 00:19:58,062
You've given birth
to a beautiful,
522
00:19:58,064 --> 00:20:00,565
5-pound, 2-ounce tumor.
523
00:20:00,567 --> 00:20:01,999
All: What?
524
00:20:02,001 --> 00:20:03,701
- But how is that possible?
525
00:20:03,703 --> 00:20:05,670
- Hmm, I guess you never
were pregnant.
526
00:20:05,672 --> 00:20:08,673
I must have transferred an
ovarian cyst from ethel's body
527
00:20:08,675 --> 00:20:10,541
Into yours,
thinking it was an embryo.
528
00:20:10,543 --> 00:20:13,077
- What about the ultrasound
and the checkups
529
00:20:13,079 --> 00:20:14,745
And the skymall dna test?
530
00:20:14,747 --> 00:20:16,747
- Well,
skymall products are shit.
531
00:20:16,749 --> 00:20:18,583
The rest are oversights
that result
532
00:20:18,585 --> 00:20:21,552
From having
your own prescription pad.
533
00:20:22,754 --> 00:20:24,422
- Well, I'm out of here,
534
00:20:24,424 --> 00:20:27,592
Using my patented skymall
flying squirrel suit.
535
00:20:27,594 --> 00:20:29,594
Skymall!
[glass shatters]
536
00:20:29,596 --> 00:20:31,262
[crash]
[car alarm blares]
537
00:20:31,264 --> 00:20:33,531
- All right.
I'm leaving.
538
00:20:33,533 --> 00:20:38,236
- Wait. So if it was a tumor,
whose choice was it?
539
00:20:38,238 --> 00:20:40,404
- You don't know.
You don't know.
540
00:20:40,406 --> 00:20:41,672
You don't know.
541
00:20:41,674 --> 00:20:43,341
And none of us do, frankly.
542
00:20:43,343 --> 00:20:45,409
Abortion is
a very complicated issue.
543
00:20:45,411 --> 00:20:46,711
- Oh, who gives a shit?
544
00:20:46,713 --> 00:20:48,346
I thought
we were going to hooters.
545
00:20:48,348 --> 00:20:49,680
- Well, all's well
that ends well.
546
00:20:49,682 --> 00:20:51,582
I'll go grind this
into taco meat.
547
00:20:51,584 --> 00:20:53,684
- No!
Mwah.
548
00:20:53,686 --> 00:20:55,620
I'm keeping it!
549
00:20:55,622 --> 00:20:57,288
- Aah!
37593
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