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1
00:00:01,935 --> 00:00:04,837
- Now, kids, in honor
of veterans day,
2
00:00:04,839 --> 00:00:07,706
We've got a very special
guest speaker.
3
00:00:07,708 --> 00:00:10,309
A real, live war hero:
4
00:00:10,311 --> 00:00:12,277
Woody johnson.
5
00:00:12,279 --> 00:00:15,447
- Hi, kids, she's right.
I am a war hero.
6
00:00:15,449 --> 00:00:16,949
- My dad's a fireman.
7
00:00:16,951 --> 00:00:19,351
- Your dad is a pussy.
- Aw.
8
00:00:19,353 --> 00:00:21,387
- While your fathers
were all smoking doobies
9
00:00:21,389 --> 00:00:23,222
And washing out
their vaginas,
10
00:00:23,224 --> 00:00:25,357
I was in the shit
fighting for your freedom...
11
00:00:25,359 --> 00:00:28,827
When I wasn't giving iraqi
whores my veiny hussein-y.
12
00:00:28,829 --> 00:00:30,396
[laughs]
13
00:00:30,398 --> 00:00:32,197
- Can you skip to the part
where you got your medal?
14
00:00:32,199 --> 00:00:33,866
- I'm getting to that,
bitch.
15
00:00:33,868 --> 00:00:37,336
I was in an elite special ops
unit called the red skulls.
16
00:00:37,338 --> 00:00:39,071
One day when we were
on patrol,
17
00:00:39,073 --> 00:00:41,306
A fellow soldier,
private jackubowski,
18
00:00:41,308 --> 00:00:42,541
Got wounded.
19
00:00:42,543 --> 00:00:44,209
I saved his life.
20
00:00:44,211 --> 00:00:46,812
I dragged that half-dead bastard
over three miles
21
00:00:46,814 --> 00:00:48,647
Of war-torn desert.
22
00:00:48,649 --> 00:00:50,883
It was a truly brave act.
23
00:00:50,885 --> 00:00:53,018
- How did the soldier
get hurt?
24
00:00:53,020 --> 00:00:54,153
- What are you,
the [bleep] hague?
25
00:00:54,155 --> 00:00:55,354
It was a long time ago.
26
00:00:55,356 --> 00:00:56,922
Like I can remember
all the details.
27
00:00:56,924 --> 00:00:58,223
[grunts]
28
00:00:58,225 --> 00:01:00,426
Now we are blood brothers
for life.
29
00:01:00,428 --> 00:01:02,861
We'll always have
each others' backs.
30
00:01:02,863 --> 00:01:05,864
Both: Red skulls!
Respect and protect!
31
00:01:05,866 --> 00:01:08,000
- Oh, there you go.
- Aah!
32
00:01:12,405 --> 00:01:13,605
[screams]
33
00:01:13,607 --> 00:01:18,010
♪ brickleberry ♪
34
00:01:19,846 --> 00:01:22,781
[whistles]
35
00:01:22,783 --> 00:01:25,918
[cackles]
36
00:01:25,920 --> 00:01:28,087
- Steve, you're a funny
mother [bleep].
37
00:01:28,089 --> 00:01:30,255
- You'd have to be high
to laugh at that.
38
00:01:30,257 --> 00:01:32,691
- I'm always high, huh?
That's messed up.
39
00:01:32,693 --> 00:01:35,127
[beeper sounds]
it's 4:20!
40
00:01:39,132 --> 00:01:41,300
- All right, rangers.
- [whistles]
41
00:01:41,302 --> 00:01:42,534
- [grunts]
42
00:01:42,536 --> 00:01:43,702
- [laughs]
43
00:01:43,704 --> 00:01:44,937
I told you he was funny.
44
00:01:44,939 --> 00:01:46,705
- Steve, let me help you up.
- Aah!
45
00:01:46,707 --> 00:01:48,240
- Bad news, rangers.
46
00:01:48,242 --> 00:01:51,210
You won't be receiving
christmas bonuses this year.
47
00:01:51,212 --> 00:01:52,211
- Oh, man.
- What?
48
00:01:52,213 --> 00:01:53,879
- I never get one anyway.
49
00:01:53,881 --> 00:01:56,548
- Well, that's because
you're a lesbian, connie! Jeez!
50
00:01:56,550 --> 00:01:59,218
- What about the rest of us?
We were counting on that money.
51
00:01:59,220 --> 00:02:01,887
- Well, I had to use the money
to renovate the park.
52
00:02:01,889 --> 00:02:03,589
- By park,
he means our cabin.
53
00:02:03,591 --> 00:02:04,923
- This is ridiculous.
54
00:02:04,925 --> 00:02:06,458
You and malloy already live
in a mansion
55
00:02:06,460 --> 00:02:08,227
While we're stuck
in run-down shacks.
56
00:02:08,229 --> 00:02:09,728
- Silence, peasant.
57
00:02:09,730 --> 00:02:12,297
- I'm the boss and I have
to make hard decisions,
58
00:02:12,299 --> 00:02:14,266
Like deciding if I wanted
cherry or mahogany floors
59
00:02:14,268 --> 00:02:16,135
In the new wing of my cabin.
Suck it!
60
00:02:16,137 --> 00:02:18,103
- You see, woody and I
are upper class.
61
00:02:18,105 --> 00:02:20,105
We can't survive
without nice things,
62
00:02:20,107 --> 00:02:22,841
Like this jacket
made of real bear fur.
63
00:02:22,843 --> 00:02:24,943
- Look, I don't have
a heart of stone.
64
00:02:24,945 --> 00:02:26,812
- I'm even having
a housewarming party
65
00:02:26,814 --> 00:02:30,582
To celebrate our renovations,
and I want you all there.
66
00:02:30,584 --> 00:02:32,951
[classical violin music]
- what a dick.
67
00:02:32,953 --> 00:02:35,154
- Here's to our cabin's
new addition:
68
00:02:35,156 --> 00:02:37,089
The christmas bonus room.
69
00:02:37,091 --> 00:02:38,257
- To the one percent.
70
00:02:38,259 --> 00:02:39,791
- This party is a bunch
of bullshit.
71
00:02:39,793 --> 00:02:43,529
- Yeah, did woody really
have to spring for indoor snow?
72
00:02:44,664 --> 00:02:47,766
- Snow is for poor people.
That's cocaine.
73
00:02:47,768 --> 00:02:49,668
- Hello, frosty the blow man.
74
00:02:49,670 --> 00:02:51,670
[laughs]
[snorts]
75
00:02:51,672 --> 00:02:52,704
Ooh!
76
00:02:52,706 --> 00:02:54,106
Eight ball fight!
77
00:02:54,108 --> 00:02:56,608
- [snorts]
all right!
78
00:02:56,610 --> 00:02:58,844
- Woody, your war buddies
are here.
79
00:02:58,846 --> 00:03:01,613
- Hey! It's hoppy, gimpy,
and lefty.
80
00:03:01,615 --> 00:03:03,115
Isn't it funny how you guys
got injuries
81
00:03:03,117 --> 00:03:04,650
That matched
your nicknames?
82
00:03:04,652 --> 00:03:07,286
- You know, it's odd
how you were the only red skull
83
00:03:07,288 --> 00:03:09,621
Who made it out
without a single injury.
84
00:03:09,623 --> 00:03:11,456
- Well, I guess heroes
aren't just braver
85
00:03:11,458 --> 00:03:13,625
Than normal people,
they're also luckier.
86
00:03:13,627 --> 00:03:15,861
Don't forget,
I saved jackubowski.
87
00:03:15,863 --> 00:03:17,529
- To jackubowski.
88
00:03:17,531 --> 00:03:20,232
All: Red skulls!
Respect and protect!
89
00:03:20,234 --> 00:03:22,534
- Ooh. Do you jerk off
with that thing?
90
00:03:22,536 --> 00:03:26,138
I'll bet it's like getting
a hand job from a velociraptor.
91
00:03:30,476 --> 00:03:32,411
- Those pigs.
They don't have class.
92
00:03:32,413 --> 00:03:35,013
They don't even know
what class is.
93
00:03:35,015 --> 00:03:37,416
Ooh, trash vodka.
94
00:03:37,418 --> 00:03:38,217
[spits]
95
00:03:38,219 --> 00:03:39,718
- Do you work here?
96
00:03:39,720 --> 00:03:41,720
- Unfortunately, I didn't
finish college, so yes.
97
00:03:41,722 --> 00:03:43,922
- I need to see head ranger
woody johnson at once.
98
00:03:43,924 --> 00:03:45,390
- Why?
99
00:03:45,392 --> 00:03:47,693
- Because I'm the new secretary
of the interior.
100
00:03:47,695 --> 00:03:49,595
I'm your boss' boss.
101
00:03:49,597 --> 00:03:51,730
- Oh, I'd hate to get him
into trouble.
102
00:03:51,732 --> 00:03:53,865
- [laughing]
103
00:03:53,867 --> 00:03:55,234
I haven't made a coke angel
104
00:03:55,236 --> 00:03:56,735
Since I was a kid.
- [clears throat]
105
00:03:56,737 --> 00:04:00,072
Man, jorge said he was sending
over some ugly whores,
106
00:04:00,074 --> 00:04:01,740
And he wasn't joking.
107
00:04:01,742 --> 00:04:03,542
At least you look like
you can take a punch.
108
00:04:03,544 --> 00:04:05,043
[laughs]
109
00:04:05,045 --> 00:04:07,412
Well, let's get this over with
before the coke dick sets in
110
00:04:07,414 --> 00:04:09,381
And makes it awkward
for both of us.
111
00:04:09,383 --> 00:04:12,251
- Hey, woody, where should I put
these ugly whores?
112
00:04:12,253 --> 00:04:15,053
- Wait, if you're not
one of jorge's homely hookers,
113
00:04:15,055 --> 00:04:16,355
Who the hell are you?
114
00:04:16,357 --> 00:04:17,556
- She's your boss,
115
00:04:17,558 --> 00:04:19,057
The new secretary
of the interior.
116
00:04:19,059 --> 00:04:20,626
Suck it.
117
00:04:20,628 --> 00:04:23,428
- Care to explain what's
going on here, mr. Johnson?
118
00:04:23,430 --> 00:04:26,765
- Uh, this is all a party
in your honor.
119
00:04:26,767 --> 00:04:29,434
Surprise!
Key bump?
120
00:04:30,603 --> 00:04:32,871
- Let's talk about
something important.
121
00:04:32,873 --> 00:04:35,307
Put that coffee down.
122
00:04:36,576 --> 00:04:38,410
Do you think
I'm [bleep] with you?
123
00:04:38,412 --> 00:04:40,579
I am not [bleep] with you.
124
00:04:40,581 --> 00:04:43,982
You call yourself a ranger,
you son of a bitch?
125
00:04:43,984 --> 00:04:45,717
- I peed.
126
00:04:45,719 --> 00:04:49,554
- You are the sorriest excuse
for rangers I've ever seen,
127
00:04:49,556 --> 00:04:52,624
And I've been in this business
for 15 years.
128
00:04:52,626 --> 00:04:54,893
- What's your name?
- [bleep] you.
129
00:04:54,895 --> 00:04:55,994
That's my name.
130
00:04:55,996 --> 00:04:57,562
- Is that korean?
131
00:04:57,564 --> 00:04:59,965
- Brickleberry is the worst park
in the country.
132
00:04:59,967 --> 00:05:02,968
[bleep] auschwitz would get
a better yelp review.
133
00:05:02,970 --> 00:05:05,103
I'm here to turn
this dump around,
134
00:05:05,105 --> 00:05:07,439
And I'm not leaving
until I do.
135
00:05:07,441 --> 00:05:09,107
There are going to be changes.
136
00:05:09,109 --> 00:05:11,410
Number one: Drug tests.
137
00:05:11,412 --> 00:05:12,678
- It's been a pleasure
working here.
138
00:05:12,680 --> 00:05:14,346
I'm gonna miss all of y'all.
Bye-bye.
139
00:05:15,515 --> 00:05:17,683
- That brings us
to woody johnson.
140
00:05:17,685 --> 00:05:20,519
You couldn't manage a blow job
in a dick factory.
141
00:05:20,521 --> 00:05:22,988
- Dick factory?
Is that where they make dicks,
142
00:05:22,990 --> 00:05:24,823
Or is it a factory
made out of dicks?
143
00:05:24,825 --> 00:05:26,491
- Shut up, you idiot!
144
00:05:26,493 --> 00:05:28,593
I should fire your fat ass.
145
00:05:28,595 --> 00:05:30,262
- No! Please give me
another chance.
146
00:05:30,264 --> 00:05:31,596
I know this park sucks,
147
00:05:31,598 --> 00:05:33,598
But I'll have a plan
to fix everything
148
00:05:33,600 --> 00:05:35,467
First thing
in the morning.
149
00:05:35,469 --> 00:05:37,836
- All right, johnson,
but it better be good
150
00:05:37,838 --> 00:05:39,938
Or there'll be hell to pay.
151
00:05:39,940 --> 00:05:41,840
- Bye, [bleep] you.
152
00:05:44,377 --> 00:05:46,478
You can't quit.
This park is your home.
153
00:05:46,480 --> 00:05:48,680
All you have to do is go without
weed for a couple of days.
154
00:05:48,682 --> 00:05:50,816
- I've never gone without weed
for two hours,
155
00:05:50,818 --> 00:05:52,117
Much less two days.
156
00:05:52,119 --> 00:05:53,452
- Well, I'm not losing
my best friend.
157
00:05:53,454 --> 00:05:55,153
You can stop,
and I'll help you.
158
00:05:55,155 --> 00:05:56,688
- I do like working here.
159
00:05:56,690 --> 00:05:58,056
You really think
you could help me quit?
160
00:05:58,058 --> 00:05:59,691
- How bad can it be?
161
00:05:59,693 --> 00:06:01,827
It's not like you're gonna
have withdrawals.
162
00:06:01,829 --> 00:06:04,629
- [screaming]
163
00:06:04,631 --> 00:06:08,800
See the baby?
See the baby!
164
00:06:08,802 --> 00:06:10,802
[screams]
165
00:06:12,739 --> 00:06:14,873
[both scream]
166
00:06:17,510 --> 00:06:20,612
[shrieks and yelps]
167
00:06:22,148 --> 00:06:24,249
Come on, steve,
just give me one puff.
168
00:06:24,251 --> 00:06:25,584
I'll suck your [bleep].
169
00:06:25,586 --> 00:06:27,386
- You can suck my [bleep]
all you want,
170
00:06:27,388 --> 00:06:29,988
But you're not getting
any weed.
171
00:06:32,759 --> 00:06:34,693
- I need a plan
to fix the park.
172
00:06:34,695 --> 00:06:36,995
Plan to fix the park.
That's it!
173
00:06:36,997 --> 00:06:39,598
[plays melody]
174
00:06:39,600 --> 00:06:42,067
Where the hell
are them loompa oompas?
175
00:06:42,069 --> 00:06:43,602
[flies buzzing]
176
00:06:43,604 --> 00:06:45,904
Goddamn it!
Forgot to feed them.
177
00:06:45,906 --> 00:06:47,272
Aah!
178
00:06:47,274 --> 00:06:48,874
- What are you
screaming about?
179
00:06:48,876 --> 00:06:50,575
- I can't come up with a plan
to fix this park.
180
00:06:50,577 --> 00:06:53,245
Oh, that secretary is going
to fire me tomorrow.
181
00:06:53,247 --> 00:06:54,513
- Uh, you're in
the ranger union.
182
00:06:54,515 --> 00:06:56,047
She can't fire you.
183
00:06:56,049 --> 00:06:57,416
- She can't?
- No.
184
00:06:57,418 --> 00:06:59,384
If you want her respect,
be a man.
185
00:06:59,386 --> 00:07:02,020
March in there tomorrow
and show her who's boss.
186
00:07:02,022 --> 00:07:03,622
- Yeah.
Good idea, malloy.
187
00:07:03,624 --> 00:07:05,690
- Hey, where did frosty
the blow man go?
188
00:07:05,692 --> 00:07:08,059
- Oh, uh, he had to go back
to the north pole
189
00:07:08,061 --> 00:07:09,761
And help santa,
little buddy.
190
00:07:09,763 --> 00:07:11,396
- You snorted him,
didn't you?
191
00:07:11,398 --> 00:07:14,032
- Yeah, snorted him.
Hat and all.
192
00:07:15,468 --> 00:07:17,436
- Who re-painted the trim
on the ranger station?
193
00:07:17,438 --> 00:07:18,937
- Good morning, everyone.
194
00:07:18,939 --> 00:07:20,972
- Denzel, what are you
doing at work before lunch?
195
00:07:20,974 --> 00:07:23,742
- Denzel is clean and sober
for the first time ever.
196
00:07:23,744 --> 00:07:24,976
I'm proud of him.
197
00:07:24,978 --> 00:07:26,745
- I've accomplished so much
this morning.
198
00:07:26,747 --> 00:07:28,814
Now I'm going to write
a letter to adult swim.
199
00:07:28,816 --> 00:07:30,749
It abruptly stopped being funny
last night.
200
00:07:30,751 --> 00:07:32,417
It just turned
into nonsense.
201
00:07:32,419 --> 00:07:34,453
- All right, johnson,
let's hear this plan.
202
00:07:34,455 --> 00:07:35,587
- Yes, ma'am.
203
00:07:35,589 --> 00:07:36,955
All right, this is you.
204
00:07:36,957 --> 00:07:38,590
[in high-pitched voice]
I'm a hateful bitch
205
00:07:38,592 --> 00:07:39,925
With a dried-up snatch.
206
00:07:39,927 --> 00:07:41,226
What's that in the sky?
207
00:07:41,228 --> 00:07:43,295
Oh no,
it's woody's asshole!
208
00:07:43,297 --> 00:07:45,664
[blows raspberries]
209
00:07:48,601 --> 00:07:50,735
It's covering me in shit,
but I love it,
210
00:07:50,737 --> 00:07:52,938
Because I'm such a nasty
poop-eating slut.
211
00:07:52,940 --> 00:07:54,339
It's in my mouth!
212
00:07:54,341 --> 00:07:56,508
Yum, yum, yummy!
213
00:07:56,510 --> 00:07:57,476
[in normal voice]
and there's my plan.
214
00:07:57,478 --> 00:07:58,777
What do you think?
215
00:07:58,779 --> 00:08:00,412
- How dare you, johnson?
I'm gonna--
216
00:08:00,414 --> 00:08:02,514
- Gonna what?
You can't fire me.
217
00:08:02,516 --> 00:08:04,583
I'm in the goddamn
ranger union.
218
00:08:04,585 --> 00:08:07,085
- There's no such thing
as a ranger union.
219
00:08:07,087 --> 00:08:08,453
- Huh?
- Ooh, sorry.
220
00:08:08,455 --> 00:08:10,322
I forgot I made that up.
- What?
221
00:08:10,324 --> 00:08:12,290
- You deserve to be terminated,
johnson.
222
00:08:12,292 --> 00:08:15,827
But I've got a better idea:
A demotion.
223
00:08:16,929 --> 00:08:18,763
Sorry, a lowly ranger
224
00:08:18,765 --> 00:08:21,766
Can't stay in this cabin,
but I can.
225
00:08:21,768 --> 00:08:23,802
You two will have to find
housing elsewhere.
226
00:08:23,804 --> 00:08:26,538
- Elsewhere?
Elsewhere where?
227
00:08:26,540 --> 00:08:27,939
- Not a chance.
- Not with me.
228
00:08:27,941 --> 00:08:28,940
- No way in hell.
229
00:08:28,942 --> 00:08:30,876
- Then where are we supposed
to stay?
230
00:08:32,111 --> 00:08:33,645
- Now if you gotta shit,
231
00:08:33,647 --> 00:08:35,180
Go on the newspaper.
232
00:08:35,182 --> 00:08:37,516
The sink's stopped up.
- Perfect.
233
00:08:41,721 --> 00:08:42,954
- Great job, woody.
This place is almost as bad
234
00:08:42,956 --> 00:08:44,189
As a comfort inn.
235
00:08:44,191 --> 00:08:46,525
- Goddamn you, jim. I told you
to pay the light bill.
236
00:08:46,527 --> 00:08:48,527
- I hope they do shut it off
so I won't be able to see
237
00:08:48,529 --> 00:08:50,228
Your damn ugly face!
238
00:08:50,230 --> 00:08:51,530
[both shouting]
239
00:08:51,532 --> 00:08:52,998
[objects crash]
240
00:08:53,000 --> 00:08:54,733
- Oh! Oh, god. Ow!
241
00:08:54,735 --> 00:08:57,569
- You're the one who told me
to stand up to the secretary.
242
00:08:57,571 --> 00:09:00,338
- I'm a bear.
You took advice from a bear.
243
00:09:00,340 --> 00:09:02,574
- Good point.
I won't do that again.
244
00:09:02,576 --> 00:09:03,808
- Now I've got some advice
for you.
245
00:09:03,810 --> 00:09:05,577
- Lay it on me.
- From now on,
246
00:09:05,579 --> 00:09:07,412
You are going to do
everything she says,
247
00:09:07,414 --> 00:09:09,681
And beg her
for your old job back.
248
00:09:09,683 --> 00:09:11,383
- I hate you,
you son of a bitch.
249
00:09:11,385 --> 00:09:13,051
- Aah!
250
00:09:13,053 --> 00:09:15,487
- I can't spend another night
in this stump dump.
251
00:09:15,489 --> 00:09:16,688
We've gotta
get our place back.
252
00:09:16,690 --> 00:09:18,557
- We will, malloy.
I promise.
253
00:09:18,559 --> 00:09:20,058
Let's just try
to make the best of it.
254
00:09:20,060 --> 00:09:22,561
- Oh! Oh! Oh, lord.
- Ooh! Oh, yeah, give it to me.
255
00:09:22,563 --> 00:09:25,230
Oh, yeah, give it to me, jim.
- Oh! Oh! Oh, lord.
256
00:09:26,432 --> 00:09:28,733
- Please. Please,
give me my job back.
257
00:09:28,735 --> 00:09:30,535
I saw an amputated stump
go somewhere
258
00:09:30,537 --> 00:09:32,237
It shouldn't of last night.
259
00:09:32,239 --> 00:09:34,072
- Get up, johnson,
you slob.
260
00:09:34,074 --> 00:09:36,708
If you want your old job back,
you have to earn it.
261
00:09:36,710 --> 00:09:38,843
Start by doing everything
on this list.
262
00:09:38,845 --> 00:09:41,646
- I'll do it.
Ranger johnson is on it.
263
00:09:42,748 --> 00:09:45,216
♪ I'm sappy the happy tree ♪
264
00:09:45,218 --> 00:09:47,452
♪ welcome to brickleberry ♪
265
00:09:47,454 --> 00:09:50,255
- Hey, lookie here.
Free maple syrup.
266
00:09:50,257 --> 00:09:52,324
- No, no, no...Aah!
267
00:09:54,093 --> 00:09:55,427
Make it shine, inez.
268
00:09:55,429 --> 00:09:57,362
- What's going on there,
johnson?
269
00:09:57,364 --> 00:09:59,631
- Aah!
270
00:10:02,134 --> 00:10:04,202
[panting and snarling]
271
00:10:05,571 --> 00:10:06,738
[condom snapping]
272
00:10:06,740 --> 00:10:08,540
[bear roars]
- [screams]
273
00:10:08,542 --> 00:10:10,408
- What's all this?
274
00:10:10,410 --> 00:10:11,876
- I'm selling
all my weed stuff.
275
00:10:11,878 --> 00:10:13,912
From now on, I'm on
the straight and narrow.
276
00:10:13,914 --> 00:10:15,246
- Thanks, mister.
277
00:10:15,248 --> 00:10:17,115
- Okay, mr. Serious.
278
00:10:17,117 --> 00:10:18,450
Check this out.
279
00:10:18,452 --> 00:10:19,584
[farts]
280
00:10:19,586 --> 00:10:21,553
Oh, no! My ass!
[farting]
281
00:10:21,555 --> 00:10:24,055
My burning ass!
282
00:10:24,057 --> 00:10:26,424
Now I've got broken glass
in my burning ass!
283
00:10:26,426 --> 00:10:29,260
Why aren't you laughing?
284
00:10:29,262 --> 00:10:30,595
- Oh, my god, ethel.
285
00:10:30,597 --> 00:10:32,497
You've gotta try
some of these brownies.
286
00:10:32,499 --> 00:10:33,832
They're yumsters.
287
00:10:33,834 --> 00:10:36,134
- Mmm, don't mind if I do.
288
00:10:36,136 --> 00:10:37,569
Mmm, these are great.
289
00:10:37,571 --> 00:10:39,004
Did you bake them?
290
00:10:39,006 --> 00:10:41,439
- No, I got them from
denzel's yard sale.
291
00:10:41,441 --> 00:10:43,074
- Mmm. Oh, okay.
292
00:10:43,076 --> 00:10:44,843
Wait. What?
293
00:10:46,612 --> 00:10:49,080
- I forgot how to shit.
294
00:10:52,318 --> 00:10:56,421
- Okay, miss secretary, ma'am.
I did everything on your list.
295
00:10:56,423 --> 00:10:57,756
- I know, johnson.
296
00:10:57,758 --> 00:10:59,591
Woody, it gives me
great pleasure
297
00:10:59,593 --> 00:11:02,260
To tell you
the new head ranger
298
00:11:02,262 --> 00:11:04,496
Is denzel jackson.
299
00:11:04,498 --> 00:11:05,964
- What?
- No!
300
00:11:05,966 --> 00:11:08,099
- That's awesome.
Thank you, secretary.
301
00:11:08,101 --> 00:11:10,669
- What the hell?
I did everything you asked!
302
00:11:10,671 --> 00:11:12,604
Why are you
ruining my life?
303
00:11:12,606 --> 00:11:15,173
- Because a loser like you
doesn't deserve a life.
304
00:11:15,175 --> 00:11:17,942
You actually thought I was
going to give you your job back?
305
00:11:17,944 --> 00:11:21,613
Ha! You'll never be
head ranger again on my watch.
306
00:11:21,615 --> 00:11:23,281
- Why, you dirty
piece of sh--
307
00:11:23,283 --> 00:11:26,484
- Don't lose your temper, woody.
We can handle this like adults.
308
00:11:26,486 --> 00:11:27,619
We are going to kill her.
309
00:11:27,621 --> 00:11:29,454
- Now that's good advice.
310
00:11:29,456 --> 00:11:31,356
Hey, can you kill
the secretary for us?
311
00:11:31,358 --> 00:11:33,158
- Already done.
[snaps fingers]
312
00:11:33,160 --> 00:11:36,394
- That's a secretary,
not the secretary.
313
00:11:36,396 --> 00:11:39,531
Oh, don't worry. I've got like
15 more in the truck.
314
00:11:39,533 --> 00:11:41,566
There's going to be a lot
of unbrewed coffee
315
00:11:41,568 --> 00:11:43,768
And empty spread sheets
next week.
316
00:11:44,637 --> 00:11:46,404
- Okay. We can ride this out.
317
00:11:46,406 --> 00:11:47,906
We just need to stay calm.
318
00:11:47,908 --> 00:11:50,542
- You're right.
We'll be fine by tomorrow.
319
00:11:50,544 --> 00:11:51,743
Tomorrow?
320
00:11:51,745 --> 00:11:53,578
Connie. The drug test
is tomorrow.
321
00:11:53,580 --> 00:11:55,080
- Aah!
322
00:11:55,082 --> 00:11:56,648
- We have to find
some clean urine.
323
00:11:56,650 --> 00:11:58,249
- I've got a fake penis.
324
00:11:58,251 --> 00:11:59,684
- What good will that do us?
325
00:11:59,686 --> 00:12:01,953
- I'm just saying.
326
00:12:02,755 --> 00:12:04,756
- Head ranger denzel jackson.
327
00:12:04,758 --> 00:12:06,324
I like the sound of that.
328
00:12:06,326 --> 00:12:07,926
- Looking good, buddy.
329
00:12:07,928 --> 00:12:10,662
I think that this is cause
for a little celebration, huh?
330
00:12:10,664 --> 00:12:12,263
- Steve, what the hell, man?
331
00:12:12,265 --> 00:12:14,566
- Head rangers give drug tests,
not take them.
332
00:12:14,568 --> 00:12:16,267
So you can get high again.
333
00:12:16,269 --> 00:12:17,702
- I don't want to get high,
334
00:12:17,704 --> 00:12:18,737
And it's messed up
that you of all people
335
00:12:18,739 --> 00:12:20,205
Would try to get me to.
336
00:12:20,207 --> 00:12:21,906
- It's just you've been
a little uptight.
337
00:12:21,908 --> 00:12:24,109
You haven't seemed
like yourself since you quit.
338
00:12:24,111 --> 00:12:25,577
- This is myself.
339
00:12:25,579 --> 00:12:28,546
The pothead who laughed at all
your dumb bullshit was not me.
340
00:12:28,548 --> 00:12:31,316
I'm never smoking again.
341
00:12:33,419 --> 00:12:36,588
- Meow.
342
00:12:36,590 --> 00:12:38,256
[grunts]
343
00:12:38,258 --> 00:12:40,325
[zipper rasps]
344
00:12:45,264 --> 00:12:46,931
- Aah!
345
00:12:46,933 --> 00:12:48,533
Ethel, I've got
the clean pee...
346
00:12:48,535 --> 00:12:49,701
Whoa!
347
00:12:49,703 --> 00:12:51,302
- No!
Oh, we're finished!
348
00:12:51,304 --> 00:12:53,438
- We can just come up
with another plan.
349
00:12:53,440 --> 00:12:54,739
- We're high!
350
00:12:54,741 --> 00:12:56,741
It took 17 hours to
come up with this plan.
351
00:12:56,743 --> 00:12:58,877
- I've got it.
We need to go see jorge.
352
00:12:58,879 --> 00:13:01,513
He can fix anything.
But we gotta hurry.
353
00:13:02,414 --> 00:13:05,350
- Slow down, connie!
354
00:13:06,418 --> 00:13:09,320
No! You're gonna kill us!
355
00:13:10,589 --> 00:13:12,223
- Well, like my daddy
always said,
356
00:13:12,225 --> 00:13:14,726
You want to kill somebody right,
you gotta kill them yourself.
357
00:13:15,761 --> 00:13:18,263
- Who the hell put rice
in my coffee?
358
00:13:18,265 --> 00:13:19,664
- Yes!
359
00:13:19,666 --> 00:13:23,134
- Ricin, you idiot.
Not "rice in."
360
00:13:23,136 --> 00:13:25,303
- Hurry up, malloy.
Cut the brakes.
361
00:13:25,305 --> 00:13:26,437
- Got it.
362
00:13:26,439 --> 00:13:28,506
- Ha-ha! Aah!
363
00:13:31,443 --> 00:13:33,778
All right, lady, we'll make this
quick and painless.
364
00:13:33,780 --> 00:13:36,581
- Don't.
I like pain.
365
00:13:36,583 --> 00:13:38,917
- Ow! Ow!
- You mother--
366
00:13:42,688 --> 00:13:44,656
- Hey, you two,
shit's about to get weird.
367
00:13:44,658 --> 00:13:46,257
Get the cool whip.
368
00:13:46,259 --> 00:13:49,661
- Well, we're in for
another rough night, malloy.
369
00:13:49,663 --> 00:13:51,696
She won.
She beat us.
370
00:13:51,698 --> 00:13:54,766
We'll just start a new life
somewhere else.
371
00:13:54,768 --> 00:13:55,767
- We're not going out
like this, woody.
372
00:13:55,769 --> 00:13:57,101
You are a war hero.
373
00:13:57,103 --> 00:13:59,537
Before we leave,
we should shit in her mailbox.
374
00:13:59,539 --> 00:14:01,506
- Malloy, you are on
an advice roll.
375
00:14:02,474 --> 00:14:03,942
- What do you want?
376
00:14:03,944 --> 00:14:06,211
- Look, it was wrong
to try and get you to smoke.
377
00:14:06,213 --> 00:14:08,847
I'm sorry.
I brought you a peace offering.
378
00:14:08,849 --> 00:14:11,616
Your favorite thing
in the world.
379
00:14:11,618 --> 00:14:12,684
- A macrib?
380
00:14:12,686 --> 00:14:14,118
- They're out of season,
381
00:14:14,120 --> 00:14:15,854
So don't ask me what I had to do
to get it.
382
00:14:15,856 --> 00:14:17,188
Here's a hint:
383
00:14:17,190 --> 00:14:20,024
It involved grimace
and a hand job.
384
00:14:20,026 --> 00:14:22,560
- Steve, I only liked those
because I was high.
385
00:14:22,562 --> 00:14:23,895
- You don't want it?
386
00:14:23,897 --> 00:14:25,396
- Damn it, steve.
Look what you did.
387
00:14:25,398 --> 00:14:26,731
Get the hell out of here
and leave me alone.
388
00:14:26,733 --> 00:14:28,066
- All I want--I just--
389
00:14:28,068 --> 00:14:29,634
- Well, I guess it's not
just the macrib
390
00:14:29,636 --> 00:14:30,735
I only like when I'm high.
391
00:14:30,737 --> 00:14:31,870
- Funyuns?
- No.
392
00:14:31,872 --> 00:14:33,238
- Seth rogen?
- No!
393
00:14:33,240 --> 00:14:36,708
You, steve.
I don't like you anymore.
394
00:14:36,710 --> 00:14:40,678
- Denzel, you may have gotten
your short-term memory back,
395
00:14:40,680 --> 00:14:42,380
But you forgot
who you were.
396
00:14:42,382 --> 00:14:43,915
Now if you'll excuse me,
397
00:14:43,917 --> 00:14:47,218
I have to go fist hamburglar
for a shamrock shake.
398
00:14:47,220 --> 00:14:49,153
- Hurry up, woody.
I can't hold you much longer.
399
00:14:49,155 --> 00:14:52,590
- Give me a minute. It's hard
to take a horizontal shit.
400
00:14:52,592 --> 00:14:53,725
[grunts]
401
00:14:53,727 --> 00:14:54,926
There, it's out.
Put the flag up.
402
00:14:54,928 --> 00:14:57,095
Oh, shit.
Hide.
403
00:14:57,097 --> 00:14:59,330
What the hell
is she doing?
404
00:14:59,332 --> 00:15:00,865
- Oh, my god.
405
00:15:00,867 --> 00:15:02,734
She is obsessed with you.
406
00:15:02,736 --> 00:15:04,903
- It all makes sense now.
407
00:15:04,905 --> 00:15:06,871
That's why she's been
treating me like shit.
408
00:15:06,873 --> 00:15:09,540
- This is great.
We can have our lives back.
409
00:15:09,542 --> 00:15:10,775
You just need to ram her.
410
00:15:10,777 --> 00:15:12,911
Ram her hard.
Ram her long.
411
00:15:12,913 --> 00:15:14,846
Ram her deep.
- Ew, no way.
412
00:15:14,848 --> 00:15:16,180
She's disgusting.
413
00:15:16,182 --> 00:15:18,082
- There y'all are.
Now come on home.
414
00:15:18,084 --> 00:15:20,084
I need you
to hose down beulah.
415
00:15:20,086 --> 00:15:22,754
Her folds get real cheesy
after a good screwing.
416
00:15:22,756 --> 00:15:24,122
- Okay, I'll ram her.
417
00:15:24,124 --> 00:15:25,490
Ram her hard, ram her long,
ram her deep.
418
00:15:29,428 --> 00:15:30,428
- Oh, no.
419
00:15:30,430 --> 00:15:31,763
Here comes the secretary.
420
00:15:31,765 --> 00:15:33,131
- She's catching up
with the car.
421
00:15:33,133 --> 00:15:35,466
She's like terminator 2!
422
00:15:35,468 --> 00:15:36,734
Oh, crap, we're dead.
423
00:15:36,736 --> 00:15:39,237
- Just act straight, connie.
424
00:15:39,239 --> 00:15:42,106
- I'm straight. I love penis.
- What?
425
00:15:42,108 --> 00:15:44,742
This is about
your drug tests.
426
00:15:44,744 --> 00:15:46,077
You passed.
427
00:15:46,079 --> 00:15:47,645
- We did?
- How's that possible?
428
00:15:47,647 --> 00:15:49,614
- You took it yesterday,
remember?
429
00:15:49,616 --> 00:15:50,915
- That's right.
430
00:15:50,917 --> 00:15:52,417
We must have been so high
that we forgot.
431
00:15:52,419 --> 00:15:55,253
[both laugh]
432
00:15:55,255 --> 00:15:58,489
- What did you say?
- She knows!
433
00:16:04,997 --> 00:16:06,831
- I can't stand
steve's silly ass.
434
00:16:06,833 --> 00:16:09,600
He doesn't know anything
about work ethic.
435
00:16:09,602 --> 00:16:11,502
- [giggles]
436
00:16:11,504 --> 00:16:12,904
Hello, denzel.
437
00:16:12,906 --> 00:16:14,505
- Aah! What the hell are you?
438
00:16:14,507 --> 00:16:17,942
- You don't remember me?
I'm your childhood friend.
439
00:16:17,944 --> 00:16:19,344
- Reefer sutherland?
440
00:16:19,346 --> 00:16:21,446
- That's right.
I'm here to stop you
441
00:16:21,448 --> 00:16:24,182
From losing your best friend
steve,
442
00:16:24,184 --> 00:16:26,517
Because you're all uptight
and kind of a dick.
443
00:16:26,519 --> 00:16:28,586
- Well, what can I do
to save our friendship?
444
00:16:28,588 --> 00:16:31,489
- Smoke me, denzel.
Smoke me.
445
00:16:31,491 --> 00:16:32,924
- No, I won't do it.
446
00:16:32,926 --> 00:16:34,459
I'm making something
of my life.
447
00:16:34,461 --> 00:16:36,928
- I'm going to show you
what life will be like
448
00:16:36,930 --> 00:16:38,930
If you never smoke again.
449
00:16:38,932 --> 00:16:40,665
Abraca-dopey.
450
00:16:42,034 --> 00:16:43,868
- Oh, look.
That's my old drug dealer.
451
00:16:43,870 --> 00:16:46,304
- I'm sorry.
I lost my best client, denzel.
452
00:16:46,306 --> 00:16:48,806
There'll be no operation
for whiny tim.
453
00:16:48,808 --> 00:16:51,042
- But, dad!
454
00:16:51,044 --> 00:16:52,844
- Shut your whiny ass up!
455
00:16:52,846 --> 00:16:55,113
- Hocus smoke-us.
456
00:16:55,115 --> 00:16:59,350
Without you as a friend,
steve hit rock bottom.
457
00:16:59,352 --> 00:17:02,120
- Oh, my god.
Steve's a homeless bum?
458
00:17:02,122 --> 00:17:05,189
- No.
He blows homeless bums.
459
00:17:05,191 --> 00:17:08,059
- Now will you be my friend?
- No.
460
00:17:08,061 --> 00:17:10,361
- That's terrible.
But what happens to me, reefer?
461
00:17:10,363 --> 00:17:13,464
- Without weed, you were
a workaholic overachiever.
462
00:17:13,466 --> 00:17:16,834
You become the first
all-black president.
463
00:17:16,836 --> 00:17:19,704
Presto-weedo.
464
00:17:19,706 --> 00:17:21,139
- Hell, yeah!
That's awesome!
465
00:17:21,141 --> 00:17:22,707
Wait a minute.
Why am I blind?
466
00:17:22,709 --> 00:17:24,175
- Glaucoma.
467
00:17:24,177 --> 00:17:27,245
You made marijuana possession
a capital offense.
468
00:17:27,247 --> 00:17:29,347
- Who's that?
- Whiny tim.
469
00:17:29,349 --> 00:17:32,750
- Why'd you have to ruin
my childhood?
470
00:17:32,752 --> 00:17:35,586
Now I have to kill you.
471
00:17:35,588 --> 00:17:38,022
- Run, blind president me!
472
00:17:38,024 --> 00:17:40,591
Aah! Aah! Aah!
473
00:17:42,594 --> 00:17:44,662
[inhales]
474
00:17:44,664 --> 00:17:46,831
Steve, warm up
that macrib
475
00:17:46,833 --> 00:17:48,599
And paint some eyeballs
on your titties.
476
00:17:48,601 --> 00:17:51,069
I'm back, bitch!
477
00:17:51,071 --> 00:17:53,638
- Be right there, buddy.
- No.
478
00:17:56,008 --> 00:17:58,609
- Johnson, what the hell
are you doing?
479
00:17:58,611 --> 00:18:00,211
- I know your secret.
480
00:18:00,213 --> 00:18:03,114
I saw your little
love shrine to me.
481
00:18:03,116 --> 00:18:06,417
I'm here to give you what
you want: Johnson's johnson.
482
00:18:06,419 --> 00:18:08,686
- You're a very clever man,
woody.
483
00:18:08,688 --> 00:18:10,588
That's exactly
what I want.
484
00:18:10,590 --> 00:18:14,592
- Man, it is good to be back
in the upper middle class.
485
00:18:14,594 --> 00:18:16,661
Where's my controller?
486
00:18:17,596 --> 00:18:19,430
Holy shit.
487
00:18:19,432 --> 00:18:22,033
There it is.
488
00:18:23,135 --> 00:18:25,303
- Ooh, kinky.
Daddy like.
489
00:18:25,305 --> 00:18:27,572
- Woody, you think you know
my secret.
490
00:18:27,574 --> 00:18:30,641
But there's one gaping hole
you missed.
491
00:18:30,643 --> 00:18:33,044
- Aah! What the hell is that?
492
00:18:33,046 --> 00:18:35,279
- You don't like it?
493
00:18:35,281 --> 00:18:38,416
- No. It looks like someone
spilled a can of ravioli.
494
00:18:38,418 --> 00:18:39,784
- Okay. I--
495
00:18:39,786 --> 00:18:42,920
- It looks like the elephant man
after a pie-eating contest.
496
00:18:42,922 --> 00:18:44,589
- You done?
497
00:18:44,591 --> 00:18:46,757
- No. It looks like
a bangladeshi street vendor
498
00:18:46,759 --> 00:18:47,925
Flipped over his food cart!
499
00:18:47,927 --> 00:18:49,093
- Enough.
500
00:18:49,095 --> 00:18:50,595
This is your handiwork.
501
00:18:50,597 --> 00:18:52,563
- What the hell
are you talking about?
502
00:18:52,565 --> 00:18:55,433
- You don't remember
your "brother"?
503
00:18:55,435 --> 00:18:56,601
- Oh, my god.
504
00:18:56,603 --> 00:18:57,768
Private jackubowski?
505
00:18:57,770 --> 00:18:59,437
- That's right, woody.
506
00:18:59,439 --> 00:19:02,473
After you threw me on that
grenade and blew my dick off,
507
00:19:02,475 --> 00:19:05,276
It was less humiliating
to live as a woman.
508
00:19:05,278 --> 00:19:07,278
The thought of revenge
was the only thing
509
00:19:07,280 --> 00:19:09,914
That kept me from blowing
my brains out.
510
00:19:09,916 --> 00:19:12,650
I've been waiting
a long time for this.
511
00:19:12,652 --> 00:19:13,951
- Are you going to kill me?
512
00:19:13,953 --> 00:19:15,753
- That's much
too quick and easy.
513
00:19:15,755 --> 00:19:16,921
An eye for an eye.
514
00:19:16,923 --> 00:19:19,357
A dong for a dong.
515
00:19:19,359 --> 00:19:20,591
[laughs]
516
00:19:20,593 --> 00:19:22,793
- Not the dong! Not the dong!
Not the dong!
517
00:19:22,795 --> 00:19:24,829
[woody screams]
518
00:19:24,831 --> 00:19:27,565
- Yeah, woody.
You get that job back.
519
00:19:30,869 --> 00:19:32,436
- I've taken your job,
520
00:19:32,438 --> 00:19:34,505
Your house,
your dignity.
521
00:19:34,507 --> 00:19:37,708
Now it's time
for the final piece.
522
00:19:37,710 --> 00:19:39,644
You took my manhood.
523
00:19:39,646 --> 00:19:41,946
Now I'm taking yours.
524
00:19:41,948 --> 00:19:43,114
- No!
525
00:19:43,116 --> 00:19:45,650
[gasps]
- remember the day we got those?
526
00:19:45,652 --> 00:19:49,287
We were brothers, jackubowski,
and I'm sorry I let you down.
527
00:19:49,289 --> 00:19:51,022
I know I deserve this.
528
00:19:51,024 --> 00:19:53,291
Just--just get it over with.
529
00:19:55,460 --> 00:19:59,697
- As much as I hate you,
I'm still a red skull.
530
00:19:59,699 --> 00:20:01,132
I took a vow.
531
00:20:01,134 --> 00:20:03,868
Respect and protect.
532
00:20:03,870 --> 00:20:05,169
- You know something,
jackubowski?
533
00:20:05,171 --> 00:20:06,971
Even without
your hose and clankers,
534
00:20:06,973 --> 00:20:08,739
You're a better man
than I am.
535
00:20:08,741 --> 00:20:10,241
What I did to you
was wrong.
536
00:20:10,243 --> 00:20:12,543
I'd do anything
to make it up to you.
537
00:20:12,545 --> 00:20:15,146
- Well, I haven't had sex
since the incident.
538
00:20:15,148 --> 00:20:17,081
- [laughs]
wait, you're serious?
539
00:20:17,083 --> 00:20:19,183
- [laughs]
- that's not even a real vagina.
540
00:20:19,185 --> 00:20:20,751
- Oh, yeah.
- No! Aah! Aah!
541
00:20:20,753 --> 00:20:22,920
Okay, it ain't bad.
542
00:20:22,922 --> 00:20:24,555
- I'm glad our plan worked.
543
00:20:24,557 --> 00:20:26,891
- I don't want
to talk about it.
544
00:20:26,893 --> 00:20:29,427
What the hell happened
to you two?
545
00:20:29,429 --> 00:20:30,528
- Don't ask.
546
00:20:30,530 --> 00:20:32,096
We've had a rough
couple of days.
547
00:20:32,098 --> 00:20:34,732
- We're never
getting high again.
548
00:20:34,734 --> 00:20:36,867
- Oh, there's my weed water.
549
00:20:36,869 --> 00:20:38,436
[both gulp]
550
00:20:38,438 --> 00:20:40,204
- Well, I've learned
a lesson,
551
00:20:40,206 --> 00:20:42,840
To respect and protect
my staff.
552
00:20:42,842 --> 00:20:46,677
- You left the top off
the cool whip, asshole!
553
00:20:46,679 --> 00:20:48,679
- Aah!
- Whoa!
554
00:20:50,082 --> 00:20:53,251
- [laughs]
555
00:20:53,253 --> 00:20:55,753
Steve, you a funny
mother[bleep].
37076
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