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? I'm going down to south park?

? Gonna have myself a time?

? Friendly faces everywhere?

? Humble folks without temptation?

? Going down to south park?

? Gonna leave my woes behind?

? Ample parking day or night?

? People spouting "howdy neighbor"?

? Headed on up to south park?

? Gonna see if i can't unwind?

? So come on down to south park?

? And meet some friends of mine?

Good morning, children, mr. Garrison is away today.

I am your substitute teacher,

Mr. Wyland.

Oh sweet, dude, substitute teacher.

Now, i understand that some students in this class

Like tomesswith substitute teachers,

But if we all behave and respect each other,

I'm sure we can make this a fun and productive day.

Let's start with roll call, let's see...

Eric cartman. Here.

Alright and how about stan marsh.

Here.

It's notthatfunny, guys, jesus!

Okay, and where is kenny mccormick?

Here.

Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha!

Oh, oh, ow!

Dude, what the hell is that?

Dude, you know when you're laughing so hard that milk comes out your nose.

Oh, man!

Dude, you weren't huh? Drinking any milk.

You have to bedrinkingmilk for that to happen.

Not with me, man.

All right, look, why don't we skip roll call.

Here is what we're going to do today.

I've been told that one of your classmates

Has been ill for several days,

Kyle broflofski.

He's fakin'.

Well, i've been told in mr. Garrison's absence,

That our activity for the day is to make a "get well" card for kyle.

So i've got this large piece of posterboard

And we're all going to come up and use glitter and glue to decorate it.

Ah! Ah!

He's faking.

Kenny, you come and decorate the "get well" card too.

But, i don't want kyle to get well, i hate kyle.

I don't care, get down here and do it!

Hey watch it, hey, what are you doing?

Now, that's a "get well" card.

Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha!

Mr. Garrison, after very careful review,

The school board believes that you should take a...

Hiatus from teaching, indefinitely.

What?

Frankly, your conduct has been somewhatdisconcerting.

Did you know that not one of your students knew who sam adams was?

Well, who cares about a guy that makes beer?

Jesus christ, i'm trying to teach history!

Frankly, mr. Garrison, it isn't even your educational record

That we're most concerned about,

It's your somewhat substantial police record.

Oh, whatever!

Mr. Garrison, last week's charges of attempting to solicit sex from a minor...

That was not me, that was mr. Hat.

All we're saying is perhaps you should take a little hiatus from teaching

Until this little child molestationthing dies down a bit.

Gentlemen, teaching is all i know.

It is the air that i breathe.

We're sorry, mr. Garrison, we have no choice.

Very well, i guess i'm not a teacher anymore.

I suppose you'll be wanting my badge and gun.

Mr. Garrison, most teachers do not carry a gun!

Oh, so i can keep it then?

Kyle, stan and his mother came over to visit you.

Hello sweetie.

Dude, you can stop faking now, we got a substitute teacher.

Kyle?

They say it's his kidneys, kyle's always been a diabetic,

And lately his kidneys have just been shutting down.

Well, the kids at school made you a card, kyle, look!

Go on, butters. I don't wanna.

Butters, go on!

Oh, all right then.

? We're so sorry you're not feeling well we hope you're better soon?

? So we're bringing you some sunshine?

? By singing you this tune?

? Everybody misses you and though we hate to cause a fuss?

? We'd like to say "get well soon" and please don't die on us?

Dude, you really are sick!

I don't know i...

I don't know what to do, sharon.

They want him to go into surgery.

That's so dangerous!

Sheila, have you tried holistic natural medicines?

They work wonders, i read all about it in "people".

Really, in "people"?

There's a brand-New shop in town that sells

Holistic medicines and all-Natural foods.

It's run by this fascinatingwoman named

Miss information.

Oh, well, with a name like "miss information", she must know something!

Why don't you at least take kyle down there and see what she has to say!

Okay, i'll get our coats.

Can i go now?

I don't know what i'm going to do, mackey.

Teaching is all i know.

Okay, well, maybe you need to view this

As a chance to do something you've always wanted to do.

I've always wanted to write a novel.

Well, there you go, m'kay.

But i never know what to write about.

Well, that's easy, write about what you know.

Write about what you love.

What do you love most?

Besides teaching? Yes.

Poontang.

M'kay?

I can't help it, i'm a womanizer sometimes, i know,

But i just think that

Getting a woman home and getting some "hot poon"

Is about the greatest thing in the world.

Well, that settles it, mr. Garrison.

What you need to do is go write a great romance novel.

Yes, that's it!

I am going to write the great american romance novel.

You'll see, the reason our bodies fail is because of toxins.

Toxins?

All the horrible food we eat,

The sodas and meats arefilledwith toxins.

And the only way for us to get better

Is to flush those toxins out of our system.

Western medicine is so quick to cut and carve up,

But all your son needs is a toxin-Flushing diet

Of lemon juice and cayenne pepper.

Wow, that's amazing, miss information.

Do you hear that, kyle?

You don't need surgery after all.

Excuse me, but what do these toxins look like?

What?

Have you ever actually seena toxin?

Don't be a smartass, stanley.

Mrs. Broflofski, i would like to give your son herbs to focus on the kidney.

I have these excellent herbs from local native americans.

Oh, native americans!

Nowtheyknow how to heal the body spiritually.

Out on the balcony,

When reginald kissed diana's lips,

Her knees went weak.

Slowly he pulled her top down,

Exposing her soft, unyielding breast.

Oh, yeah, now this is getting good.

Just the sight of those breasts

Made reginald's penis very hard.

His penis was of considerable size

And now beads of sweat ran slowly down his penis,

Making it glisten like a strong swimmer,

Fresh from out of the pool.

It was a fantastic penis

That seemed as strong as a horse's leg,

Yet as delicate as a flower wrapped in silk.

What a grand, grand penis!

Diana's nipples... oh, let's see.

Diana's nipples...

Oh, writer's block, writer's block!

Hmm, crap, i'm stuck!

Oh, well, maybe that's enough writing for tonight, mr. Hat.

Oh, my, he looks terrible.

Yes, poor little dear.

Good morning, everyone.

Oh, thanks for coming, miss information.

Kyle seems to be getting worse.

Oooooo.

Oh, i don't agree, he seems much better.

Really? What?

Yes, his chi is flowing much nicer than yesterday

And his aura is lighter.

Oh, that's great news!

Oh, no!

Oh, no, that's good!

Those are the toxins flushing out of his system.

Ooh!

That's the bean with bacon soup he ate half an hour ago.

Stanley, what did i say about being a smartass?

Don't be a smartass.

Now, don't be fooled as kyle's body sheds itself

More and more of all the toxins.

He'll appear to be getting worse,

But actually he's getting better.

Wow! Well, i am sold on natural medicines.

If only i had known sooner.

I agree. That's right.

Mr. Marsh is here to see you.

All right, send him in.

Oh, stanley.

Hi, doctor.

What can i do for you?

Well, it's my friend, kyle.

I think he's really, really sick.

He is really, really sick, stanley.

I was seeing him last week when he first got ill,

But unfortunately, his mother has decided to

Put all her trust into holistic medicine.

But i don't think it's working.

All right, stanley, i'm going to be very honest with you.

Your little friend kyle needs a kidney transplant

Or it's very possible that he will die.

Die?

But kyle's my best friend in the whole world.

I know this is a lot to lay on someone your age,

But the rest of the town is so gung-Ho on new-Age medicine

That i have nowhere else to turn.

I'll give kyle my kidney, even if it hurts a whole lot, i don't care.

That's very brave, stan, but i've already checked my records

And you and kyle aren't a match for kidneys.

In fact, there's only one person in south park

With the same blood-Type as kyle.

Who?

Oh sh-.

Vrroo, vrooo.

Bew-Bew, bchhh!

Coming in for attack, captain, bew-Bew-Bewbewbew!

Give me the space cruiser, kenny.

Kenny, you have to give me the sub-Space cruiser

So i can destroy the ganjeez on cluster 5! No, no, it's mine!

Myahh, myahh!

Ha-Ha, i broke your space cruiser, kenny.

Ow!

Oh, sweetums, did you laugh too hard again?

Yeah.

Well, some more of your little friends are here to play with you.

Okay, mom.

But, don't get too close to kyle,

He looks like he might have "the aids".

What's going on guys?

Cartman, we have to ask you a question.

A very serious question.

Okay.

Kyle's in trouble, cartman.

I can see him getting worse right before my eyes.

There might be a way that youcan save his life.

Uh-Huh.

What kyle really needs is a new kidney.

Oh, i think i see where this is going.

Uh.

His mom is using all this eastern medicine, new-Age bullcrap on him,

But it's obviously not working.

Stan, why don't you just ask the question?

Okay, would you donate one of your kidneys to kyle?

? No-No-No-No-No no-No-No-No-No?

You only need one, fat boy.

? No-No-No-No no-No?

Dude, one of your friends is going to die, don't you see how serious this is?

Well, perhaps i can see my way to giving up a kidney...

For a price. Oh, my god!

How much?

I don't know, how much is your life worth to you, kyle?

Cartman, you are so going to hell when you die!

Yes, but until then i need about $10,000,000.

Tmm-Mmm-Mmm-Mm-Mms!

What the hell would you do with $10,000,000, fatass?

What i intend to do with the money is not an issue, is it?

I suggest you start looking for that money quickly,

Kyle doesn't seem to have much time, tick-Tock, tick-Tock.

Come on, kyle, let's get out of here.

Okay, where were we, kenny? Oh, yeah...

Quick captain, we must destroy the ganjeez on cluster 5!

Give me the space cruiser.

Give me it, kenny, myahh!

Ooh, free-Range aspirin.

All-Natural cell phones!

Oh, look, everyone!

These are our two resident native americans.

Chief running pinto and carlos ramirez.

Do you have any new holistic items for sale?

Oh, oh yeah...

This is a... dream catcher.

Oh, a dream catcher, i'll buy one. Me too.

Yeah, these here are cherokee-Hair tampons.

They're, like, tampons made with all-Natural hair from the cherokee people.

Oh, a tampon made from cherokee hair, nowthat sounds natural.

Native americans are more in tune with the earth than we are.

Oh, yeah, we love the earth, man.

Oh yeah, the earth is great.

Mrs. Broflofski's son is a little sick.

Perhaps she can bring him in tomorrow and you can give him some spiritual healing.

Oh, sure, we can do that, man.

We'll give him, like, a brain enema or something.

Wonderful!

Why don't you follow me over to the cash register

And i'll take a deposit!

Do you have anymore stuff to sell?

We want to buy more stuff!

Yes, much, much more stuff.

Sure, we just gotta go back to our truck-

I mean ourhorsesand grab some more junk, come on.

Goodbye, native americans!

The spirit of maya is with you.

Oh, yeah, you too and junk.

Oh, hi stanley, look, i'm buying you some more all-Natural toothpaste.

You mean the stuff that tastes like ass and doesn't fight cavities?

That's right.

Look, umm, i know that you all think that

The earth and its natural healing powers can cure kyle,

But the doctor at the hospital told me it can't.

Well, of course the doctor told youthat,

Becausehewants to makemoney.

Holistic medicine is aboutnature.

$233.00.

Everything's going to be fine, stan.

We're bringing kyle in tomorrow to see the native americans personally.

Isn't it possible that these indians don't know what they're talking about?

You watch your mouth, stanley,

The native americans were raped of their land and resources

By white people like us.

And that has something to do with their medicine because-

Enough stanley!

Nobody wants to listen, kenny. Mmmm?

I don't know what else to do,

I mean he can die, kenny.

And that means we'd never see him again. Uh-Huh.

I guess maybe i've always taken friends for granted.

Like they'd always be there.

If a friend died, i don't know what i'd do.

Well, i'm not just going to stand here and watch my friend die!

Kenny, go round up all the kids in town who want to help kyle.

Round them up and meet me at the bus stop at 7:30.

Kyle's gonna live!

Chapter 18.

Diana had never slept with another woman before,

But it was an erotic thought she often fantasized about.

Oh, yeah, mr.Hand! Hot "lesbo" scene coming up.

And as rebecca's naked body lay before her,

Diana couldn't help but feel aroused.

"Go on" rebecca said softly.

"Touch me."

Diana leaned down slowly

And brushed rebecca's bare stomach with her fingertips.

It felt good.

Like a penis.

A soft, but sturdy penis, that felt warm to the touch.

In rebecca's mind,

She suddenly felt like she was surrounded by penises,

They were all around her.

Flopping all around and slapping her face.

It was as if she were in a redwood forest of penises.

They presented themselves, tall and mighty all around her with-

Mr. Hat, what the hell are you doing?

Oh, mr. Hat!

Come on, where are they?

This is it? Mm-Hmm.

Timmy!

This is everyone that wanted to help kyle?

Well, clyde was gonna come too,

But he said his mom was making tacos for dinner

And clyde likes tacos a whole lot.

Jesus christ.

Okay, butters, you take this medical book

And everyone follow me.

Where are we going?

We're going to go take cartman's kidney.

Mom, do you ever have those "heavy flow days"?

Oh, absolutely, sweetheart, everybody does.

But remember the movie "the shining",

Where the elevators doors are opening up and all the -

Honey, what you need is a more absorbent tampon.

Like what?

Well, what's the most absorbent thing in the world?

Well, cherokee hair i guess.

But what does that have to do with me?

Because now there's new, all-Natural cherokee hair tampons.

A cotton tampon can only hold so much liquid,

Other tampons also come up short.

But cherokee hair

Has been known for ages to be strong and powerful.

Each tampon is hand woven from over 200 strands of cherokee hair

And then bound together with these decorative native beads.

You were right, mom!

All-Natural cherokee hair tampons really did the trick.

And when you're done using them,

They make agreattoy for jessie.

Go, get it boy!

Let the wonders and the mysteries of our people,

Like, change the way you think about tampons.

No, no!

Hippies all around me.

Help, mommy, hippies!

Okay, it's clear!

Okay, me and butters are going to go up and take cartman's kidney out of him.

Kenny, you stay here and guard his mom's door with timmy.

Timmy! Sshh.

Timmy.

If she hears him screaming or comes out or anything,

Just stall her, all right?

Mm-Hmmtimmy!

Come on, butters, let's go.

Uh-Oh, cartman's pig.

Sshh, good pig, good pig.

Shhh, it's okay.

Come on, we gotta get out of here.

Oh, no.

Oh, well, we're busted.

Shut up, fluffy!

Oh, whew!

Hippies... hippies, everywhere!

They want to save the earth, but all they do is smoke pot and smell bad, help!

Okay, here we go.

Okay, let's see.

Looks like if we cut here and here-

I hope it's not too bloody, i'm wearing my favorite pants.

Well, here goes nothing.

Help me pull his pajamas up.

No way, "kidney blocker 2000"!

What, what, what?

Oh, stan and butters, trying to take my kidney are you?

You suck, cartman.

Maybe so, but at least i was smart enough to wear a "kidney blocker 2000".

Goddammit, don't you care that kyle is going to die?

I do, i do care, look how much.

Look, look how much i care.

First and foremost, mr. Garrison,

I would like to thank you for choosing "harequin romance".

Yeah, yeah, yeah, so did you read the book?

Yes, mr. Garrison, we did read your book.

Well, what did you think?

Well, frankly, mr. Garrison,

We don't know if the "harequin romance" label is appropriate for you.

Oh, why not?

Mr. Garrison,

Are you aware that the word "penis" occurs 6,083 times in your novel?

Well, i'm sure there's lots of naughty words, it is a romance novel.

No, i don't think that thisbook really qualifies as a "romance" novel.

No?

No, this is what we in the book publishing business like to call...

Gay.

Really, really gay.

What the hell are you talking about?

It's just that the focus seems to be on themaleorgan.

Well, i thought it was mostly women that read these things.

It is.

Well, women want to read about "ding-Dongs".

You think women care about the details of female anatomy?

Hell no!

Women want to read about big, powerful schlongs!

Look, i've seen women read these things.

They skim along, skim along until they get to the part about the penis,

That's what they want, so that's what i'm giving them!

Hmm.

There's nothing more i can do, kenny.

I've tried everything to save kyle.

Holistic medicine is gonna kill my friend.

My friend is gonna die.

He's gonna die and there's nothing i can do about it.

Oh, god!

That does it! Hmm hmm hmm hmm!

I'm going home.

Look out!

Oops.

Oh, i'll never see kyle again.

Four dozen cherokee hair tampons, please.

No problem, man, pay miss information up front.

Hi, i have a little pain in my balls whenever i watch vh-1.

Here try this, man.

Uh, this is, uh, "all-Natural ball juice".

Well, i feel better already.

And next we have mrs. Broflofski's son.

Okay, here he is.

Uh, hey man, that kid looks really sick.

Yeah, he realy needs his toxins flushed again.

No, i mean, he looks really sick, man.

You should take him to, like, a doctor.

But you're more in touch with the earth.

But being in touch with the earth has nothing to do with dying, man.

It's okay, we trust that you know what you're doing.

No, man, that kid needs a doctor.

Besides we're not actually native americans, i mean...

I'm more like a mexican.

What? What?

Yeah, mexican.

Oh, phtoo! Oh my god! Ohhh!

Ahhhhhhhh!

How dare you deceive us like that!

Hey, we never said we were native americans, man.

Miss information said that.

Yeah, she said nobody would buy anything from mexicans.

Uh, toxinsare your enemy.

Kill her!

That's funny.

So, now can we take kyle to the hospital?

Yes, of course, but we don't have a kidney donor.

That's all right, if you all help,

I think i have a plan.

Ah! Oh!

Ah! That son of a bitch!

Okay, asshole, give me back my kidney.

Dude, please, kyle needs it.

It's mine, not yours, mine!

Give it back right now or there's going to be hell to pay!

All right, here.

Thank you.

And you better hope to god that it still works just like it did before.

Doctor, eric cartman is here.

Why hello there, eric.

You see that, that's mine.

My asshole friend stan took my kidney and i need it put back in.

Please.

Oh, i see.

Are you sure that now that it's already out,

You don't want to just let your friend kyle have it?

No, because it doesn't belong to kyle,

It belongs to me, it's mine!

Well, all right then, we'll get you prepped for surgery.

If you'll just sign this release.

Thank you.

How are you feeling, bubbie?

Better, thanks.

You look a lot better.

Yeah, it looks like western medicine really did the trick.

Hey, thanks for going through all that to save my life, stan.

Dude, you're my best friend.

I don't want you to die until i do.

Yeah, hey man, we're glad you're getting better too.

Hey, hey, what's going on?

Kyle's all better, cartman, thanks to you.

Huh?

It was all a trick.

Your mom undid the kidney blocker

And then we put ketchup in your bed, so you'd think we took your kidney.

Yes, but it was all just a trick to get you to come in and sign this release.

Isn't that funny, sweetie?

Ooh, i am so pissed off!

Oh, here's everybody.

Hi, mr. Garrison, where have you been?

Boys, i have an announcement to make.

I'm not going to be your teacher anymore.

I've become a best-Selling author.

And kyle i want you to have a signed copy as a "get well" present.

Oh... thanks.

I'm sure going to kill you guys!

Careful, cartman, you might pop your stitches.

Ha ha! Ha ha!

Huh, what the-

Oh, good, you got the crappy kidney.

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