All language subtitles for 407 - Cherokee Hair Tampons

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comedy central

? I'm going down
to south park?

? Gonna have
myself a time?

? Friendly faces
everywhere?

? Humble folks
without temptation?

? Going down
to south park?

? Gonna leave my
woes behind?

? Ample parking
day or night?

? People spouting
"howdy neighbor"?

? Headed on up
to south park?

? Gonna see if
i can't unwind?

? So come on down
to south park?

? And meet some
friends of mine?

Good morning, children,
mr. Garrison is away today.

I am your
substitute teacher,

Mr. Wyland.

Oh sweet, dude,
substitute teacher.

Now, i understand that
some students in this class

Like tomesswith
substitute teachers,

But if we all behave
and respect each other,

I'm sure we can make this
a fun and productive day.

Let's start with
roll call, let's see...

Eric cartman.
Here.

Alright and how about
stan marsh.

Here.

It's notthatfunny,
guys, jesus!

Okay, and where is
kenny mccormick?

Here.

Ha ha!
Ha ha! Ha ha!

Oh, oh, ow!

Dude, what the hell
is that?

Dude, you know when you're laughing
so hard that milk comes out your nose.

Oh, man!

Dude, you weren't
huh? Drinking any milk.

You have to bedrinkingmilk
for that to happen.

Not with me, man.

All right, look,
why don't we skip roll call.

Here is what we're
going to do today.

I've been told that
one of your classmates

Has been ill
for several days,

Kyle broflofski.

He's fakin'.

Well, i've been told
in mr. Garrison's absence,

That our activity for the day is
to make a "get well" card for kyle.

So i've got this
large piece of posterboard

And we're all going to come up and
use glitter and glue to decorate it.

Ah!
Ah!

He's faking.

Kenny, you come and decorate
the "get well" card too.

But, i don't want kyle
to get well, i hate kyle.

I don't care,
get down here and do it!

Hey watch it, hey,
what are you doing?

Now, that's
a "get well" card.

Ha ha!
Ha ha! Ha ha!

Mr. Garrison,
after very careful review,

The school board believes
that you should take a...

Hiatus from teaching,
indefinitely.

What?

Frankly, your conduct has been
somewhatdisconcerting.

Did you know that not one of your
students knew who sam adams was?

Well, who cares about
a guy that makes beer?

Jesus christ, i'm trying
to teach history!

Frankly, mr. Garrison, it isn't
even your educational record

That we're most
concerned about,

It's your somewhat
substantial police record.

Oh, whatever!

Mr. Garrison, last week's charges of
attempting to solicit sex from a minor...

That was not me,
that was mr. Hat.

All we're saying is perhaps you should
take a little hiatus from teaching

Until this little child
molestationthing dies down a bit.

Gentlemen, teaching
is all i know.

It is the air
that i breathe.

We're sorry, mr. Garrison,
we have no choice.

Very well, i guess
i'm not a teacher anymore.

I suppose you'll be wanting
my badge and gun.

Mr. Garrison, most teachers
do not carry a gun!

Oh, so i can
keep it then?

Kyle, stan and his mother
came over to visit you.

Hello sweetie.

Dude, you can stop faking now,
we got a substitute teacher.

Kyle?

They say it's his kidneys,
kyle's always been a diabetic,

And lately his kidneys have
just been shutting down.

Well, the kids at school
made you a card, kyle, look!

Go on, butters.
I don't wanna.

Butters, go on!

Oh, all right then.

? We're so sorry you're not feeling
well we hope you're better soon?

? So we're bringing you
some sunshine?

? By singing you
this tune?

? Everybody misses you and
though we hate to cause a fuss?

? We'd like to say "get well
soon" and please don't die on us?

Dude, you really
are sick!

I don't know i...

I don't know what
to do, sharon.

They want him
to go into surgery.

That's so dangerous!

Sheila, have you tried
holistic natural medicines?

They work wonders, i read
all about it in "people".

Really, in "people"?

There's a brand-New shop
in town that sells

Holistic medicines
and all-Natural foods.

It's run by this
fascinatingwoman named

Miss information.

Oh, well, with a name like "miss
information", she must know something!

Why don't you at least take kyle down
there and see what she has to say!

Okay, i'll get
our coats.

Can i go now?

I don't know what
i'm going to do, mackey.

Teaching is
all i know.

Okay, well, maybe
you need to view this

As a chance to do something
you've always wanted to do.

I've always wanted
to write a novel.

Well, there you go, m'kay.

But i never know
what to write about.

Well, that's easy,
write about what you know.

Write about
what you love.

What do you love most?

Besides teaching?
Yes.

Poontang.

M'kay?

I can't help it, i'm a
womanizer sometimes, i know,

But i just think that

Getting a woman home and
getting some "hot poon"

Is about the greatest thing
in the world.

Well, that settles it,
mr. Garrison.

What you need to do is go
write a great romance novel.

Yes, that's it!

I am going to write the
great american romance novel.

You'll see, the reason our
bodies fail is because of toxins.

Toxins?

All the horrible
food we eat,

The sodas and meats
arefilledwith toxins.

And the only way for
us to get better

Is to flush those toxins
out of our system.

Western medicine is so quick
to cut and carve up,

But all your son needs
is a toxin-Flushing diet

Of lemon juice
and cayenne pepper.

Wow, that's amazing,
miss information.

Do you hear that, kyle?

You don't need surgery
after all.

Excuse me, but what do
these toxins look like?

What?

Have you ever actually
seena toxin?

Don't be a smartass,
stanley.

Mrs. Broflofski, i would like to give
your son herbs to focus on the kidney.

I have these excellent herbs
from local native americans.

Oh, native americans!

Nowtheyknow how to
heal the body spiritually.

Out on the balcony,

When reginald kissed
diana's lips,

Her knees went weak.

Slowly he pulled
her top down,

Exposing her soft,
unyielding breast.

Oh, yeah,
now this is getting good.

Just the sight
of those breasts

Made reginald's penis
very hard.

His penis was of
considerable size

And now beads of sweat
ran slowly down his penis,

Making it glisten like
a strong swimmer,

Fresh from
out of the pool.

It was a fantastic penis

That seemed as strong
as a horse's leg,

Yet as delicate as a flower
wrapped in silk.

What a grand, grand penis!

Diana's nipples...
oh, let's see.

Diana's nipples...

Oh, writer's block,
writer's block!

Hmm, crap, i'm stuck!

Oh, well, maybe that's enough
writing for tonight, mr. Hat.

Oh, my,
he looks terrible.

Yes, poor little dear.

Good morning,
everyone.

Oh, thanks for coming,
miss information.

Kyle seems to be
getting worse.

Oooooo.

Oh, i don't agree,
he seems much better.

Really?
What?

Yes, his chi is flowing
much nicer than yesterday

And his aura
is lighter.

Oh, that's great news!

Oh, no!

Oh, no,
that's good!

Those are the toxins
flushing out of his system.

Ooh!

That's the bean with bacon soup
he ate half an hour ago.

Stanley, what did i say
about being a smartass?

Don't be a smartass.

Now, don't be fooled
as kyle's body sheds itself

More and more
of all the toxins.

He'll appear to be
getting worse,

But actually he's
getting better.

Wow! Well, i am sold
on natural medicines.

If only i had
known sooner.

I agree.
That's right.

Mr. Marsh is here
to see you.

All right,
send him in.

Oh, stanley.

Hi, doctor.

What can i do for you?

Well, it's
my friend, kyle.

I think he's really,
really sick.

He is really,
really sick, stanley.

I was seeing him last week
when he first got ill,

But unfortunately,
his mother has decided to

Put all her trust
into holistic medicine.

But i don't think
it's working.

All right, stanley, i'm going
to be very honest with you.

Your little friend kyle
needs a kidney transplant

Or it's very possible
that he will die.

Die?

But kyle's my best friend
in the whole world.

I know this is a lot
to lay on someone your age,

But the rest of the town is
so gung-Ho on new-Age medicine

That i have
nowhere else to turn.

I'll give kyle my kidney, even if
it hurts a whole lot, i don't care.

That's very brave, stan, but
i've already checked my records

And you and kyle
aren't a match for kidneys.

In fact, there's only
one person in south park

With the same
blood-Type as kyle.

Who?

Oh sh-.

Vrroo,
vrooo.

Bew-Bew,
bchhh!

Coming in for attack,
captain, bew-Bew-Bewbewbew!

Give me the
space cruiser, kenny.

Kenny, you have to give me
the sub-Space cruiser

So i can destroy the ganjeez
on cluster 5! No, no, it's mine!

Myahh, myahh!

Ha-Ha, i broke your
space cruiser, kenny.

Ow!

Oh, sweetums, did you
laugh too hard again?

Yeah.

Well, some more of your little
friends are here to play with you.

Okay, mom.

But, don't get
too close to kyle,

He looks like he
might have "the aids".

What's going on guys?

Cartman, we have to
ask you a question.

A very serious question.

Okay.

Kyle's in trouble,
cartman.

I can see him getting worse
right before my eyes.

There might be a way that
youcan save his life.

Uh-Huh.

What kyle really needs
is a new kidney.

Oh, i think i see
where this is going.

Uh.

His mom is using all this eastern
medicine, new-Age bullcrap on him,

But it's obviously
not working.

Stan, why don't you just
ask the question?

Okay, would you donate
one of your kidneys to kyle?

? No-No-No-No-No
no-No-No-No-No?

You only need one,
fat boy.

? No-No-No-No
no-No?

Dude, one of your friends is going to
die, don't you see how serious this is?

Well, perhaps i can see my
way to giving up a kidney...

For a price.
Oh, my god!

How much?

I don't know, how much is
your life worth to you, kyle?

Cartman, you are so going
to hell when you die!

Yes, but until then i need
about $10,000,000.

Tmm-Mmm-Mmm-Mm-Mms!

What the hell would you do
with $10,000,000, fatass?

What i intend to do with the
money is not an issue, is it?

I suggest you start looking
for that money quickly,

Kyle doesn't seem to have much
time, tick-Tock, tick-Tock.

Come on, kyle,
let's get out of here.

Okay, where were we, kenny?
Oh, yeah...

Quick captain, we must destroy
the ganjeez on cluster 5!

Give me the space cruiser.

Give me it, kenny,
myahh!

Ooh, free-Range aspirin.

All-Natural
cell phones!

Oh, look, everyone!

These are our two
resident native americans.

Chief running pinto
and carlos ramirez.

Do you have any new
holistic items for sale?

Oh, oh yeah...

This is a...
dream catcher.

Oh, a dream catcher,
i'll buy one. Me too.

Yeah, these here are
cherokee-Hair tampons.

They're, like, tampons made with
all-Natural hair from the cherokee people.

Oh, a tampon made from cherokee
hair, nowthat sounds natural.

Native americans are more in
tune with the earth than we are.

Oh, yeah, we love
the earth, man.

Oh yeah,
the earth is great.

Mrs. Broflofski's son
is a little sick.

Perhaps she can bring him in tomorrow and
you can give him some spiritual healing.

Oh, sure,
we can do that, man.

We'll give him, like,
a brain enema or something.

Wonderful!

Why don't you follow me
over to the cash register

And i'll take
a deposit!

Do you have anymore
stuff to sell?

We want to buy
more stuff!

Yes, much, much
more stuff.

Sure, we just gotta go
back to our truck-

I mean ourhorsesand grab
some more junk, come on.

Goodbye, native americans!

The spirit of maya
is with you.

Oh, yeah, you too
and junk.

Oh, hi stanley, look, i'm buying
you some more all-Natural toothpaste.

You mean the stuff that tastes
like ass and doesn't fight cavities?

That's right.

Look, umm, i know that
you all think that

The earth and its natural
healing powers can cure kyle,

But the doctor at the
hospital told me it can't.

Well, of course
the doctor told youthat,

Becausehewants
to makemoney.

Holistic medicine
is aboutnature.

$233.00.

Everything's going
to be fine, stan.

We're bringing kyle in tomorrow to
see the native americans personally.

Isn't it possible that these indians
don't know what they're talking about?

You watch
your mouth, stanley,

The native americans were raped
of their land and resources

By white people like us.

And that has something to do
with their medicine because-

Enough stanley!

Nobody wants
to listen, kenny. Mmmm?

I don't know
what else to do,

I mean he can die, kenny.

And that means we'd
never see him again. Uh-Huh.

I guess maybe i've always
taken friends for granted.

Like they'd
always be there.

If a friend died,
i don't know what i'd do.

Well, i'm not just going to stand
here and watch my friend die!

Kenny, go round up all the kids
in town who want to help kyle.

Round them up and meet me
at the bus stop at 7:30.

Kyle's gonna live!

Chapter 18.

Diana had never slept with
another woman before,

But it was an erotic thought
she often fantasized about.

Oh, yeah, mr.Hand!
Hot "lesbo" scene coming up.

And as rebecca's naked body
lay before her,

Diana couldn't help
but feel aroused.

"Go on"
rebecca said softly.

"Touch me."

Diana leaned down
slowly

And brushed rebecca's bare
stomach with her fingertips.

It felt good.

Like a penis.

A soft, but sturdy penis,
that felt warm to the touch.

In rebecca's mind,

She suddenly felt like
she was surrounded by penises,

They were
all around her.

Flopping all around
and slapping her face.

It was as if she were in
a redwood forest of penises.

They presented themselves, tall
and mighty all around her with-

Mr. Hat, what the hell
are you doing?

Oh, mr. Hat!

Come on,
where are they?

This is it?
Mm-Hmm.

Timmy!

This is everyone that
wanted to help kyle?

Well, clyde was
gonna come too,

But he said his mom was
making tacos for dinner

And clyde likes
tacos a whole lot.

Jesus christ.

Okay, butters, you take
this medical book

And everyone
follow me.

Where are we going?

We're going to go
take cartman's kidney.

Mom, do you ever have
those "heavy flow days"?

Oh, absolutely, sweetheart,
everybody does.

But remember the movie
"the shining",

Where the elevators doors are
opening up and all the -

Honey, what you need
is a more absorbent tampon.

Like what?

Well, what's the most
absorbent thing in the world?

Well, cherokee hair
i guess.

But what does that
have to do with me?

Because now there's new,
all-Natural cherokee hair tampons.

A cotton tampon can only
hold so much liquid,

Other tampons
also come up short.

But cherokee hair

Has been known for ages
to be strong and powerful.

Each tampon is hand woven from
over 200 strands of cherokee hair

And then bound together with
these decorative native beads.

You were right, mom!

All-Natural cherokee hair
tampons really did the trick.

And when you're
done using them,

They make agreattoy
for jessie.

Go, get it boy!

Let the wonders and
the mysteries of our people,

Like, change the way
you think about tampons.

No, no!

Hippies
all around me.

Help, mommy, hippies!

Okay, it's clear!

Okay, me and butters are going to go
up and take cartman's kidney out of him.

Kenny, you stay here and guard
his mom's door with timmy.

Timmy!
Sshh.

Timmy.

If she hears him screaming
or comes out or anything,

Just stall her,
all right?

Mm-Hmmtimmy!

Come on, butters,
let's go.

Uh-Oh,
cartman's pig.

Sshh, good pig,
good pig.

Shhh, it's okay.

Come on, we gotta
get out of here.

Oh, no.

Oh, well,
we're busted.

Shut up, fluffy!

Oh, whew!

Hippies...
hippies, everywhere!

They want to save the earth, but all
they do is smoke pot and smell bad, help!

Okay, here we go.

Okay, let's see.

Looks like if we cut
here and here-

I hope it's not too bloody,
i'm wearing my favorite pants.

Well, here goes nothing.

Help me pull
his pajamas up.

No way,
"kidney blocker 2000"!

What, what, what?

Oh, stan and butters, trying
to take my kidney are you?

You suck, cartman.

Maybe so, but at least i was smart
enough to wear a "kidney blocker 2000".

Goddammit, don't you care
that kyle is going to die?

I do, i do care,
look how much.

Look, look how much
i care.

First and foremost,
mr. Garrison,

I would like to thank you for
choosing "harequin romance".

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
so did you read the book?

Yes, mr. Garrison,
we did read your book.

Well, what did you think?

Well, frankly,
mr. Garrison,

We don't know if the "harequin
romance" label is appropriate for you.

Oh, why not?

Mr. Garrison,

Are you aware that the word "penis"
occurs 6,083 times in your novel?

Well, i'm sure there's lots of
naughty words, it is a romance novel.

No, i don't think that thisbook
really qualifies as a "romance" novel.

No?

No, this is what we in the book
publishing business like to call...

Gay.

Really, really gay.

What the hell are you
talking about?

It's just that the focus
seems to be on themaleorgan.

Well, i thought it was mostly
women that read these things.

It is.

Well, women want to read
about "ding-Dongs".

You think women care about
the details of female anatomy?

Hell no!

Women want to read about
big, powerful schlongs!

Look, i've seen women
read these things.

They skim along, skim along until
they get to the part about the penis,

That's what they want, so
that's what i'm giving them!

Hmm.

There's nothing more
i can do, kenny.

I've tried everything
to save kyle.

Holistic medicine is
gonna kill my friend.

My friend is gonna die.

He's gonna die and there's
nothing i can do about it.

Oh, god!

That does it!
Hmm hmm hmm hmm!

I'm going home.

Look out!

Oops.

Oh, i'll never see
kyle again.

Four dozen cherokee hair
tampons, please.

No problem, man,
pay miss information up front.

Hi, i have a little pain in
my balls whenever i watch vh-1.

Here try this, man.

Uh, this is, uh,
"all-Natural ball juice".

Well, i feel
better already.

And next we have
mrs. Broflofski's son.

Okay, here he is.

Uh, hey man, that kid
looks really sick.

Yeah, he realy needs
his toxins flushed again.

No, i mean, he looks
really sick, man.

You should take him to,
like, a doctor.

But you're more in touch
with the earth.

But being in touch with the earth
has nothing to do with dying, man.

It's okay, we trust that
you know what you're doing.

No, man, that kid
needs a doctor.

Besides we're not actually
native americans, i mean...

I'm more like
a mexican.

What?
What?

Yeah, mexican.

Oh, phtoo!
Oh my god! Ohhh!

Ahhhhhhhh!

How dare you
deceive us like that!

Hey, we never said we were
native americans, man.

Miss information
said that.

Yeah, she said nobody would
buy anything from mexicans.

Uh, toxinsare
your enemy.

Kill her!

That's funny.

So, now can we take kyle
to the hospital?

Yes, of course, but we
don't have a kidney donor.

That's all right,
if you all help,

I think i have a plan.

Ah! Oh!

Ah! That son of a bitch!

Okay, asshole,
give me back my kidney.

Dude, please,
kyle needs it.

It's mine,
not yours, mine!

Give it back right now or
there's going to be hell to pay!

All right, here.

Thank you.

And you better hope to god that it
still works just like it did before.

Doctor, eric cartman
is here.

Why hello there, eric.

You see that,
that's mine.

My asshole friend stan took my
kidney and i need it put back in.

Please.

Oh, i see.

Are you sure that now
that it's already out,

You don't want to just let
your friend kyle have it?

No, because it doesn't
belong to kyle,

It belongs to me,
it's mine!

Well, all right then, we'll
get you prepped for surgery.

If you'll just
sign this release.

Thank you.

How are you
feeling, bubbie?

Better, thanks.

You look
a lot better.

Yeah, it looks like western
medicine really did the trick.

Hey, thanks for going through
all that to save my life, stan.

Dude, you're
my best friend.

I don't want you to die
until i do.

Yeah, hey man, we're glad
you're getting better too.

Hey, hey,
what's going on?

Kyle's all better, cartman,
thanks to you.

Huh?

It was all a trick.

Your mom undid
the kidney blocker

And then we put ketchup in your bed,
so you'd think we took your kidney.

Yes, but it was all just a trick to get
you to come in and sign this release.

Isn't that funny, sweetie?

Ooh, i am
so pissed off!

Oh, here's everybody.

Hi, mr. Garrison,
where have you been?

Boys, i have
an announcement to make.

I'm not going to be
your teacher anymore.

I've become
a best-Selling author.

And kyle i want you to have a
signed copy as a "get well" present.

Oh... thanks.

I'm sure going
to kill you guys!

Careful, cartman, you might
pop your stitches.

Ha ha!
Ha ha!

Huh, what the-

Oh, good, you got
the crappy kidney.

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