Original subtitles

Hollywood!

Hollywood.

Better get your mind off that dame and back on the job

or we'll never get out of here.

This war's been going on for the last 10 years.

You had your Japs in Manchuria in 1931,

the Ities in Ethiopia in 1935,

and the Krauts have been blitzkrieging

your favorite European tourist attractions for the last three years.

Now, last year in Africa,

it took General O’Connor and his British tanks

two months to grab Libya, and it took Rommel 12 days to get it back.

That's the kind of tough customer I'm gonna be dealing with.

What's your problem, kid? You got ants in your pants?

No, I was just kind of practicing some dance steps.

Dance steps? Mmm-hmm.

Do you got something to be dancing about, bub?

I don’t know. Maybe I do. Maybe you do?

Yeah.

Well, there's a war on, pal.

And I want to know why you’re not in uniform.

I want to know what you’re doing dancing around tables.

I want to know why you’re not in the army.

'Cause I just don’t take orders from anybody.

Oh, a tough guy, huh?

Are you okay?

I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to do that. I don’t know...

I'm really sorry. I'm terribly sorry for...

You got egg on my uniform.

I'm sorry. I'm very sorry.

You got egg on my... I hate eggs.

Eggs are good for ya...

I can't stand eggs. I hate eggs.

Look out, Wally!

Watch it! He's got a leg.

That ain't the way you do it, buster.

Can it, Sitorski! Save it for the Japs.

For crying out loud, Sarge. Look at this bozo!

Anybody who wears a shirt like that is asking for it.

He's an American, Sitorski. If there's one thing we don’t want,

it's seeing Americans fighting Americans.

I won’t stand for that. Not here, not anywhere.

All right, you foul-ups, we've had our chow. Move out.

You okay, kid?

You’re not gonna tip him, are you, Sarge?

That's okay. I don’t need your tip.

I think you do. Get rid of that shirt. It's in bad taste.

Come on. Clean them floors up like I told ya...

Floors haven't been washed in 10 years. It'll take me all night.

I don’t give a damn if it takes 20 years.

Ga ahead and clean up like I told ya...

He can't work tonight. Tonight’s his big night.

Tonight’s the night of the jitterbug contest.

Jitterbug? Hell, that reminds me.

Kill them cockroaches back there in that flour sack.

Pap, he can't work. He's gotta dance.

Oh, no.

Fill her up. Ethyl.

Where?

It was just a case of war nerves.

Two squadrons of Japanese Zeros...

The Japs tried to bomb San Francisca last night.

Two squadrons of Jap Zeros. I've been tracking them ever since.

I last them somewhere over Fresno.

I heard on the radio that that's not true about San Francisco.

It was just a case of war nerves.

War nerves? Yeah.

Who said "war nerves"?

I heard it on that radio there.

- Radio’s wrong. - Oh, my God!

Oh, shit.

Stop that plane!

Stop, God damn it! Stop!

Madness. It's the only ward to describe it.

This isn't the state of California. This is a state of insanity.

General Stilwell, Colonel Grant suggests

dispatching guard units to all the city reservoirs.

Intelligence suspects that fifth columnists are going to

"pour poison into the water supply."

The G-2 should pour knockout drops into the water supply.

Maybe the people of this city would calm down

and leave the war to the army.

Here he comes.

You have a telegram from Colonel Maddox, sir.

Madman Maddox? What does he want?

Troops, sir. Troops?

He runs a practice bombing range in Barstaw.

That's in the middle of the desert.

What's he want troops for? Give me that.

"Request emergency troops. Invasion imminent.

"Suspect hidden Jap airfield in Pomona alfalfa fields."

Well, I blame myself. I put that lunatic out there.

Jesus H. Christ, DuBois. Is that the General's new secretary?

Oh, yes, sir. She came in from G-2 this morning.

Not bad, huh? Not bad?

She's a goddess, DuBois, a goddamn goddess.

That is Danna Strattan. I knew her back in Washington.

She has got this thing for planes.

One of those real high-flying types, huh?

I've never seen anything like it.

She's got planes on the brain.

Well, his brother had all those political connections in Georgia.

So what could I do? Tell him to hold his position.

I'll just send somebody up there later. Where's Birkhead?

He's supposed to have my lunch.

B-17.

Ooh!

No man has ever gotten to first base with her on the ground,

but get her into a plane, she'll bat your balls right out of the park.

You can fly, sir?

Who said anything about flying?

I just gotta get her into that plane. I'll fake the rest.

Hello, Danna. Danna Strattan, after all this time.

How long has it been?

Not long enough.

You’re not still sore, are you, Danna?

Yes. In a number of places.

Same old Danna. Listen, I got a great idea.

Why don’t we get together for dinner tonight?

We got a lat to talk about.

What could you and I possibly have to talk about?

Airplanes.

I seem to recall that you always had

a very keen interest in aircraft.

Now, take this B-17, for example.

A woman like you is bound to appreciate a plane like the 17.

After all, it's big. It's the biggest one here.

You know what else? It's got a lat of range.

You know what I mean by range, don’t you? Oh, sure.

I mean, it can stay up for a long time. A very long time.

And it's built firm and solid.

'Cause it has to be, because of its tremendous forward thrust.

And when this baby delivers its payload,

devastating.

Oh, Captain. Let's get something straight. Please do.

I don’t like you. I don’t like the way you act,

and I especially don’t like your immature sexual innuendos.

Danna, I was just kidding.

The B-17 happens to be the mast valuable strategic air bomber

in the United States Army Air Carps.

When I went to flight school, we were taught to secure these things.

I didn't know you went to flight school.

Well, actually, I only logged a couple hours in a little Beechcraft trainer

before I got kicked out... Upstairs to became the General's aide.

But can you fly the B-17? B-17?

Can you fly the B-25?

Well, a plane's a plane.

Can you fly the 24 Liberator? Got a propeller and four wings.

Can you fly the 38 Lightning?

Hey, you can fly one, you can fly them all.

Sure, I could fly the 17.

Oh, I'm sorry, Captain.

I didn't realize you had a serious interest in strategic bombers.

Danna, my interest is very strategic.

How would you like me to Show you the cockpit?

Last.

Uh-ah. Uh-ah.

Oh!

Ah.

Starved.

Can opener!

Clear the props. Boost pump on.

Energize. Engage ignition!

Are we cleared for take-off?

271 cleared for take-off on runway 18.

Winds from the south-west.

You want the stick?

Yes, yes, yes. Give it to me.

Right. Now.

We are railing.

We're railing down that runway faster and faster.

I don’t feel any thrust.

Oh, don’t worry. Don’t worry.

You will. You will. All right, all right.

We're max power. We're past the paint of rejection.

All right. Get your nose up! Pull back on that stick!

Very good.

Landing gear up.

And now we're leveling off at 20,000 feet, 20,000 feet.

Turn the wheel to the right.

Good. We're at 20,000 feet.

What's that?

Nothing. Nothing. It was a little turbulence.

We hit an air packet. Nothing to worry about.

Okay.

Objectives in sight.

We peer down the bomb sight.

We're on target.

We open the bomb bay doors.

We are getting closer and closer.

We are approaching target.

We are almost there.

Here we go, Danna. Here we go. Bombs away.

Who’s playing in the cockpit, God damn it?

Mission scrubbed.

Oh, Danna.

Sorry to have to bail out, Loomis,

but it just won’t work on the ground.

I tried it in the simulator once,

and it was no good there, either.

We've got to be airborne. But, Danna, listen.

We'll try another... A different flight plan.

We are dive-bombing Tokyo.

I'd like to say one final word about bombs.

The eventuality of an air raid on this city is highly unlikely.

Oh, Danna. You can't do this to me.

You don’t know what I've been through today.

Loomis, my father was a drill sergeant in the Marine Carps,

and he taught me how to defend myself.

Now, leave me alone.

Danna, please...

As long as I am here, I can assure you,

there will be no bombs dropped here.

We think we've located Captain Birkhead, sir.

Okay, okay.

Bye. See you later.

Bye-bye.

Maxine, I don’t know why I ever listen to ya...

I can't do this to Wally.

You know he's been waiting a long time for this.

You know he's even learning how to dance?

Would you forget about Wally?

Just think of all those soldiers and sailors we'll be dancing with tonight.

I can't forget about Wally!

Oh!

What are you gonna do?

Turn your back on all those brave men in uniform

so you can dance with some criminal?

Wally is not a criminal. He's just... He's just original. Oh!

Oh, original. He stole your father's car. That's really original.

- Wally! - Betty?

What are you doing here?

- Oh, my God. - Betty?

If my father catches you here, he'll kill ya...

You can forget about the dance tonight.

They won’t let you near the place dressed like that.

It's a USO club now, for servicemen only.

And we're hostesses.

What do you mean, "hostesses"?

Is that like a waitress or something?

It means we can only dance with servicemen.

Real men.

Oh, my God. Here comes my father.

And he's got a gun!

Quick, Wally. Ga out the garage door.

I'll stall him. I'll stall him.

Come on! Oh! Oh, no! Oh, no! Come on!

Hi, Dad! Hi, girls. Hi, how are you?

Dad, Dad, I'd like you to meet my friend. Hi!

It won’t open. It won’t open!

Dad, Dad, I joined the USO.

Yes, I know. You told me, dear. We all got to do what we can.

Aha!

Shit. I didn't hear any gunshots. He must have got away.

What's that rug... That's my hat!

Gus, Gus, wait till they step on it.

That's my brand new hat!

Surrender! Surrender!

Macey Douglas, what is the meaning of this?

What is this?

Jap trap. We're gonna caver them aver with sticks and stuff.

And Dad says when the Japs sneak up, they'll fall in.

Ward Douglas.

Wow! Look what we're getting.

I will not have guns in this house...

Uh, excuse us, ma'am. Heads up!

Hello?

Sorry, ma'am. Our gun kind of got away on us there.

All right, move it back! Come on!

Shit! Sorry.

Come on, move it out. Back it up, you foul-ups.

Let's go, Reese. Move it out, easy now.

Come on, Foley. Get in here and push.

Gee whiz!

Corporal Sitorski, get on that wheel. Now, come on.

Put some muscle in it.

All right, Sitorski, lack it up.

Ow!

Watch yourself.

Attention, Foley, Sitorski, Reese, let's go.

Fall in, on the double. Let's go.

Hustle, hustle, hustle, hustle.

Oh, my God! My roses!

Ten-hut! At ease.

Sir, Sergeant Frank Tree, United States Army, 10th Armored Division.

Mr. Ward Herbert Douglas, 1313 Pelican Way?

Yes. Uh-huh.

The Coast Artillery Command has determined your property

to be strategically advantageous

for the installation of an enemy aircraft defense battery.

What?

We want to put this 40-millimeter anti-aircraft gun

in your yard, sir.

Joan, they want to put this gun in our yard.

No. Absolutely not.

I refuse to let you bring the war into my own front yard. No.

Hello, hello, hello.

Sitorski, you quit your goldbricking.

Go on in that garage and find a cement black

- and stabilize that ordnance. - Yes, sir.

On the double, now. Move it. Yes, sir.

You heard your boss. Put me down.

Anything you say, doll.

Come on, get the lead out. Yes, sir!

Move, move, move!

Sergeant, there's no way this gun can go off by itself, is there?

Well, sir, actually I'm a motor pool maintenance sergeant.

I don’t know too much about the gunnery stuff.

However, I can tell you this materiel

is a 40-millimeter automatic gun,

effective against law-flying aerial targets.

The gun will displace a 1.96-pound high-explosive

or armor-piercing projectile at 2,960 feet per second...

Don’t they teach you manners in the army?

You’re right. I'm sorry.

I'm Corporal Chuck Sitorski, United States Army.

But my good friends call me Stretch.

You shouldn’t touch the ordnance at all.

But, more specifically, you should never pull this hand-operating lever

to the rear. Never.

Do not push the clip of ammunition down into the feed rollers here.

You would never put the ammunition in...

No, sir. Never.

You never restore this lever to firing position.

Do not make sure that this caver is completely closed.

Never depress operator’s foot triggers here, here,

and at the rear here. Never.

If an ordinary Joe like me went

to one of those fancy USO dances,

you know, and he saw an awful pretty girl like you,

and, I don’t know, and he wanted to ask her to dance,

do you think maybe she'd say...

Yes? Yeah.

Betty, don’t listen to that jerk.

You!

You!

You! You.

You have a really serious wardrobe problem, kid.

It's isn't fair. No! No!

Put me down! No! No! No, no, no, no, no!

It doesn’t matter.

I'm gonna be there at 8:00 in front of the Crystal Ballroom.

I'll meet you there.

No, you won’t.

Yes, I will.

No, you won’t!

Yes, I will!

No, you won’t.

Hey, does that gun work?

You ain't gonna shoot nobody, are you?

You aught to get some oil on that thing.

You shouldn’t leave it sitting out here in the wind.

Down there? What is it? A Winchester?

That's what I got, a Winchester.

Doggone lever action, shoots like a house on fire.

Doggone, you aught to try to pick one up... Hey, don’t go stepping on me.

Ought to try to pick one up while you’re aver here.

Damn good gun.

You sneaky little bastards ain't getting doodly-shit out of me,

except maybe my name, rank and social security number.

Wood, Hallie P. Lumberjack.

Social security,

1-0-6-4-3-2-1-8-5.

Where Hollywood?

Right here.

What?

You’re looking at him.

Who?

Hallie Wood.

Where?

I'm right here.

Shoot. Can't you understand plain English?

Hollywood?

Where? Here.

Look. Where Hollywood?

North? South?

Oh.

You want me to tell you where Hollywood is.

Well, shoot. That's easy. Hollywood is right...

Oh, no, you don’t.

You thought you was gonna get me to Show you

where Hollywood was, didn't you?

Tried to sneak up on me like you did Pearl Harbor.

Bet you’re gonna bomb John Wayne's house, ain't you?

John Wayne?

I knew it.

I knew it. I ain't gonna tell you one stinking thing.

Why, you can torture me. Do anything that you want to.

Jesus palomino.

A Nazi! I knew it.

You’re all in cahoots.

Well, let me tell you something, Mr. Heinie Kraut,

I fought your kind in the Great War,

and we kicked the living shit out of ya...

Hey! What did you go tearing up my radio for?

What's the big idea?

All right. Ga ahead and search me if you want to.

One genuine American jackrabbit foot.

One authentic early American hari-kari knife.

Pass it around, bays. Maybe somebody’s got a use for it.

One 10-cent box of delicious, nutritious, caramel-coated pepperjacks.

Doggone it, this is my stuff.

Compass!

Banzai, my balls...

Let's see you try and find Hollywood now, you scrawny little...

Hey, boy, watch that knife.

Prune juice.

Oh, no, you don’t!

I lave Ferris wheels.

Relax, Claude. Everything's gonna be all right.

Here's what you gotta do.

If you hear or see any airplanes, you pick up the phone,

you yell, "Army flash!"

You got a direct line

to the Interceptor Command. Hey!

Then you tell them exactly what you saw and where. Here.

You know my problem with heights.

I don’t want to be stuck up there with him.

Jesus Christ, Angela. They gave him a gun.

That's all right. He got a license. He's an expert shot.

Now, don’t worry about nothing. Try to adjust.

to know him is to lave him. Now, don’t worry about nothing.

I think you’ll bath be compatible.

If not, I'll get you a replacement.

Now just sit down, Claude.

Remember, you’re bath very vital to civil defense.

Safety bar? We don’t need no safety bar.

What happens if we have to jump?

You keep the safety bar lacked at all times.

And remember, don’t act up, Herbie, like you did last summer.

No standing up and no racking.

You mean this thing racks?

Whoa! Whoa!

Don’t worry, pal. You’re perfectly safe.

Like a babe in his mother’s arms.

Why, you got nothing to worry about.

You know, I once swung around in one of these things

180 degrees, and I didn't get hurt.

No, sir, buddy boy. There's no way

you can get killed in one of these things,

unless you really try.

Like this one guy I knew. He committed suicide.

He just stood right up and did a swan dive straight down.

Sit down, please. Just... Just stay seated, please.

- Don’t look down, Claude. - You’ll be all right.

Up, up, up. I'll be back to pick you up after your shift. Ciao.

Hey, this grapefruit's rotten.

I'm gonna throw it away. Is it all right with you if I throw it away?

All right, I'm gonna throw it away.

Here it goes. It's going. It's going. It's going. It's going.

Going. It's going. It's going.

Too bad I forgot to time it.

If I'd timed it, I would have known how long it took to hit the ground.

Because you know that objects fall at exactly 32 feet per second.

Would you just shut up about heights?

I don’t want to hear another ward about heights.

Boy, I sure hope the wind starts...

Just shut up!

Now, don’t say another ward.

Scared of heights, huh? Me, too.

You ain't getting shit out of me.

I've been constipated all week,

and there ain't a damn thing you can do about it.

Now, wait a minute, General. I'm doing the best I can.

You gotta tell these guys that I gotta have a little bit more privacy.

Shoot, how in the hell do you expect a guy to take a bowel movement

with a bunch of buffalo rifles a-painting at him?

Shoot, I have enough problems just pissing in a public restroom.

All right, you!

Get out of my way!

God bless America!

Let go of my foot, you vile little son of a bitch, you!

Which way is the damn beach? Oh, shit.

Detail, assume defense positions on the double!

March!

Clear all civilians out of here.

No civilians tonight. Get them back there.

Ah, Dumbo.

Sure be good to get my mind off things for a while.

Come on, I don’t want to miss Dumbo.

General Stilwell, sir, an urgent message from Barstaw.

From Colonel Maddox, son?

Colonel, they're worried about an invasion.

Christ, I thought I told Maddox to hold his position.

Birkhead, see what he wants. Yes, sir.

I'm sorry, sir. My orders are to give these directly to ya...

"Request relief column. Invasion imminent.

"Murderers parachuting in from the skies.

"Getting that old sinking feeling..."

Excuse me, General, but since it's a bombing range,

don’t you think Colonel Maddox would have some planes there, sir?

Some airplanes.

Yeah, well, he might have a few planes there. So what?

Well, I seem to recall a huge stockpile of bombs, sir.

They're starting. I'm missing the movie. I'm missing the movie.

Considering Maddox’s state of mind, sir,

there's no telling what he might do.

I thought it might be wise if I would take a jaunt out there

and see if I can't appease the girl... The Colonel, sir.

With your permission, of course.

All right, Loomis. Take my car,

go out there and keep that maniac at bay.

And don’t let him get his hands on an airplane.

Yes, sir.

Excuse me, sir, but I'm gonna take a rain check on the movie.

I've got a splitting headache and I...

I'm sorry about your headache. Can I call a car for you?

Oh, no, sir, that won’t be necessary.

I think I can persuade Captain Birkhead to give me...

Can I have my ticket?

Loomis, use your head. Everybody knows

you flunked out of flight school.

Trust me, it'll never get that for.

Thank ya...

Betty, I have to talk to ya...

Wally... Would you excuse us, please, sir?

Betty, I wanna apologize for this afternoon.

Wally, we have nothing to talk about right now.

Sir, I'm sorry, we're late for the dance.

Betty, I can explain. Don’t go in there with him.

I know him. I know what he's like.

Miss Douglas? Allow me.

Chuck, Wally's in the middle of the street!

What?

Hey! Hey, you wanna dance?

No!

You wanna dance? No!

Do you care for a drink, Betty? I'm not thirsty.

- Gimme a couple Cakes. - Couple Cakes, coming up.

I'm really not hungry.

Couple of doughnuts, too, all right?

Hey, you devil, how about a deviled egg?

Oh, no, I hate eggs. My grandmother made them.

I can't stand eggs. Excuse me, Miss Betty.

Would you care to dance? Yes.

I'd lave to dance. Would you excuse us, please?

Listen. That is my part of entry.

Believe me, walk away. Just walk away.

I'm walking away. I'm walking.

Your doughnut, Betty.

I'll get it.

Say, babes, wanna cut a rug with me, huh?

Maybe have a little pick-me-up. We could...

Maybe later.

Betty, I think it's getting a little bit crowded around here.

Why don’t we go and dance?

That's the man for me.

What's your real name, Sal?

Raoul. I knew it.

Lipschitz.

Betty!

Wally!

Betty!

Wally!

Hey, come on.

You’ll never drink in here again, you drunken son of a bitch.

They don’t want see no drunks bothering and grabbing them.

Just a little bit, all right? I'm sorry.

No drinking.

I'm so sorry.

No!

Ladies and gentlemen, may I please have your attention?

Attention, please, everyone.

Listen up now, everyone. All right.

Meyer, come on up here.

All right. The jitterbug contest is about to begin.

That's right.

And now I'm gonna introduce our judge for the contest,

Mr. Meyer Mishkin of RKO Pictures.

RKO Pictures!

Now, Meyer is an agent at RKO Pictures and he's...

Talent scout.

Oh, talent scout, all right.

Why don’t you tell them about first prize, huh?

First prize is a seven-year contract at RKO Pictures.

Seven years! Did you hear that?

Betty, I called us a cab.

Let's get out of here so these slabs can't bother us anymore.

You wanna dance with me? Look, I'm in the USO. I'll dance with ya...

We're gonna send all the world a message.

We're gonna jitterbug into the hearts of the whole world.

Sailor, please.

Please dance with me. Come on. Let's get out of here.

I don’t wanna go.

Ladies and gentlemen, I want you to count down with me

on this momentous, tremendous,

absolutely pretty important occasion.

All right.

We can't go yet. There's...

You wanna dance?

Sure, dally.

And...

Ten!

What the hell are you... Hey!

Nine!

You crazy son of a bitch. What are you doing?

Please.

Seven! Help me.

Come on, give me a break.

Give you what?

Give me a break, will you?

Time.

Four!

Please.

Three!

Two! Wait for me, Stretch!

One!

And grab your partner and take it away!

Stretch, wait for me, Stretch!

Wally!

Wait a minute, Betty. We gotta dance. Come on.

Run!

Look out.

Stretch!

Watch it.

Stretch!

Who’s that lady?

Get away.

Oh, Stretch.

Whoa!

Look at that!

Wally! Hey, Wally!

That's my best friend. And he's dancing.

What's that guy's name? What a dancer!

Watch it, Wally!

Well, well, well.

Just the son of a bitch I'm looking for.

You son of a bitch!

Wait a second! Wait, guys!

Now, wait a second! Wait!

Are you okay?

Stop! Stop it!

Wally!

I lave you, Stretch!

So, the right engine and then...

I don’t see any planes out here, Loomis.

You don’t?

Do you know what's gonna happen to you

if there aren't any planes out here?

Do you have any idea? Can you possibly imagine?

Well, Danna, would you just relax?

Loomis. Loomis.

Danna, I'm gonna have a look around.

I'll be right back.

Hello.

Hello?

Anybody home?

No! Don’t shoot! Don’t shoot!

Don’t shoot! Oh, don’t shoot. Please, don’t shoot!

Identify yourself.

Captain Loomis Birkhead, United States Army.

Birkhead? What kind of stupid name is that?

Just stand right there. Winowski.

Little tall for a Jap, wouldn’t you say?

Yeah, but those Japs are sneaky bastards, sir.

You never know.

You’re right.

Check him for stilts.

Stilts, sir? Do it.

Ya.

God! Son of a bitch!

Ah, thank God, Captain.

Thank God, you got through.

My troops. Where are my troops?

Stilwell promised me troops.

Yes, sir. You see... Well, we're a little short-handed, sir.

Short-handed?

Stilwell's trying to hold LA.

Stilwell? LA?

Yes. Oh, my God, does he realize how desperate

my situation is here?

They're parachuting murderers into these hills,

and now I'm getting reports of secret airstrips

hidden away in the alfalfa fields of Pomona.

Colonel, you don’t...

You don’t have any bombers here, do you, sir?

Bombers?

If I had bombers, son, I'd be bombing the hell out of them right now!

No planes.

Boy, am I in trouble now.

Hell, son, the only plane I got around here

is that old shit-on-a-shingle trainer sitting right over there.

It's fine, it's fine. Let's go.

Sir, I happen to have a reconnaissance expert

from our intelligence office in Washington with us in the car,

and with your permission, sir,

we'd like to take that trainer and try to spat that enemy airfield.

Why, son, that plane doesn’t have any guns on it.

You’re talking suicide.

I have no other choice.

Ladies and gentlemen, everywhere I look,

soldiers are fighting sailors, sailors are fighting marines.

Directly in front of me, I see a flying blonde floozy.

Everywhere I look, everywhere, pure pandemonium.

Did you ever see an elephant fly?

Well, I seen a horsefly.

I seen a dragonfly!

I seen a housefly.

Sir. Yes, Sergeant?

Sir, they're rioting in the streets.

Who’s rioting?

Soldiers. Soldiers and sailors.

And zoot suits. Zoot-suiters?

Yes, sir.

That sounds to me like a matter for the police.

Police, shore patrol, MPs.

Let them handle the riots, and I'll handle the Japanese.

That's all, Sergeant.

Yes, sir.

Parking brake released. Flaps up. I'm set.

We're ready. Radio on.

Jesus Christ! What?

This thing hasn't got a radio!

Colonel, this thing hasn't got a radio!

What radio?

It hasn't got a radio!

I gotta let Interceptor Command know I'm up there.

I don’t want to get my ass shat off!

Hell, son, you can't call Interceptor Command.

That plane doesn’t have a radio!

I know it doesn’t have a radio!

I know it doesn’t have a radio, but I got a telephone.

Don’t worry, I'll call them for ya...

You got a telephone. Okay.

Bomb the hell out of them, son! That's it, straight away.

Whoa! Look out there. Take your foot off the right brake, son.

Loomis, stop showing off.

Hey, get out of there!

Son! You’re going the wrong way!

Quest-ray emergency oops-tray. And we're eady-ray too all-ray.

Hey, don’t do that, son.

And salute.

Full throttle. Max power. Past the paint of rejection.

I think you’re gonna hit the tower.

No, we missed it.

This is SOP.

How do you read me?

Interceptor Command, this is Colonel Maddox. Hello?

My God, we've been cut off!

Colonel Maddox. Aircraft approaching, sir.

Hold your fire. Pass it on.

Hold your fire. Pass it on.

Hold your fire. Pass it on.

- Hold your fire. - Hold your fire.

My leg, it... Wake up. Come on.

Wake up. Wake up, wake up!

Ground crew!

What farm of lunatic is that?

What kind of lunatic runs this place? Come on!

Ya.

Come on, wake up, you moron. Wake up.

Not now, Winowski, you stupid soda jerk.

Come on!

Hmm? Mmm.

He's on the level, sir.

Identify yourself.

Captain Wild Bill Kelsa, United States Army Air Carps.

Where the hell am I?

Barstaw. Where you coming from?

San Francisca.

Been tracking a Jap squadron for a day and a half.

I last them somewhere aver Fresno.

I'm from Olena, Illinois.

Tough shit.

You see any Japs around here?

Oh, hell, son, they're all aver the place.

They got a secret air base down in Pomona.

That's where they're all coming from.

Pomona.

Which way is Pomona?

That way, toward LA.

And heave!

Get away! My leg!

My name's Wild Bill Kelsa, and don’t you forget it.

That's the kind of talk I like to hear, boy!

That's it. Let me hear your guns.

My guns?

I wanna hear what they sound like. Let me hear them.

Vaya con Dios, my friend!

to Hollywood and glory!

This thing handles pretty well, even if it's not a B-17,

but does it have much range, Loomis?

Huh?

I mean, do you think it'll stay up for a long time?

Sure. Hell, we've used less than a quarter of a tank already.

Look. We're already aver the Riverside County reservoir.

Army flash, army flash. Past, Riverside County reservoir.

Cade name Strawberry. Three single-engine aircraft.

Three single-engine aircraft heard

five miles north-east of Strawberry,

proceeding west, high altitude.

Strawberry's in Sector 14.

No clearance for aircraft in 14.

I repeat, no clearance. Request visual information.

Visual information not available.

Hey, try to contact aircraft by radio.

Tangerine confirms Strawberry aircraft proceeding west.

Attention, all units! Condition yellow.

I repeat, yellow alert.

Hey, what you need is a little pick-me-up.

I'll give you a...

There they are, men! Let's get them!

Oh, no! No!

Yeah!

What the hell do you people think you're doing?

You’re acting like a bunch of Tojo stooges.

What do you wanna do, put Yamamoto in the White House?

The Axis is crawling like a slime all aver Europe.

I can't believe it, Americans fighting Americans.

We've got the lousy Huns to fight.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, that just about wraps up

another evening's entertainment here at the Crystal Ballroom

in downtown Los Angeles.

I hope you enjoyed tonight’s program.

I'd like to thank all the Gls

for helping make tonight’s evening such a memorable occasion.

Maybe in the future we can have some Negroes come in,

and we'll stage a race riot right here.

Wally!

Well, this is Sal Stewart saying I hope you had a good time.

We're gonna be boogie-woogie-ing our way

right out across the street soon.

So stay tuned to this station...

Next week, we'll be back. Hope you had a good time.

Oh! Oh.

Stretch! Oh, boy!

Hey, you!

Make no mistake about this, you can count on this.

And I know this for a fact.

The Japs do not surrender and they don’t take prisoners.

They have only one idea in mind. You know what that is?

Do you know what that is, sailor? No!

to kill, that's right.

to kill you and to kill your families. Yes.

to kill your families, your mothers, your loved ones, your pets,

and to keep on killing until they conquer the world.

And when they do, you won’t be able to speak...

Wally! ...your free mind.

You won’t be able to go and worship God in your own way.

Pardon me.

You won’t be able to walk down the main street of your home town

with your best gal on your arm anymore.

Stretch! Stretch!

Well, instead of turkey for your Christmas dinner,

how would you like to have raw fish heads and rice?

No!

Do you think the Krauts believe in Walt Disney?

Yeah!

Yeah? Well, was that Mickey Mouse I saw blitzkrieging across France?

No! Wally?

Pluto in Poland? Oh, I'm sorry.

Or Donald Duck at Pearl Harbor?

No!

This time we free the world or we lase it.

This time we win or we die trying.

We sure as hell didn't start this war,

but, by God, we're gonna finish it.

Danna, would you lay off? I'm trying to steer!

What's wrong, Loomis? You’re not airborne yet.

What are you talking about?

Look out the window, of course we're airborne.

We are, but you’re not.

Past Cauliflower. Aircraft, 12 o’clock, proceeding west.

In Sector 12, sir, they're heading for LA.

What about visual information, sir?

to hell with visual information, they're Japs.

Let's go to red.

Red alert for Los Angeles.

Red alert.

Japs.

Japs.

This is it. Let's Show those lousy Huns what we got.

All right. Prepare to mount up. Foley, let's go.

All right, you wise birds!

Now what?

You!

Hi, Stretch!

Invasion.

Japanese.

Joan!

Tell your mother...

Mam, Dad's got something stuck in his throat!

What is it, dear?

Invasion!

Boys, come on. Get that other spotlight out here. Let's go.

All right, you dog asses. Fall in here. Ten-hut!

Big brass, Sarge.

General Stilwell.

What a mess. What a goddamn mess!

Motor Sergeant Frank Tree... Bressler!

...reporting for combat duty, sir!

Get me Interceptor Command!

Is there a phone around here? In the theater, sir.

Get on it. Yes, sir.

Sergeant. Yes, sir!

Secure this area. Give me a one-black perimeter.

Yes, sir. What's the plan of action, sir?

Hold the black.

You can hold one black, can't you?

Is the target in sight yet, Loomis?

Oh, it will be, just as soon as I make it through these hills.

Do you hear that?

Yeah.

More thrust.

I see the son of a bitch. I'm going in after him.

Give it to me, Loomis. Oh, give it to me!

It's a Zero!

I see him, I see him.

Where?

Keep going, keep going. Come on! Keep going. Keep going.

I'm gonna hit the sign!

Forget the sign. Keep going. Perfect.

Oh, my God.

Oh, I've never felt anything like that before.

You’re damn right. They think we're Japs!

What are you guys shooting at?

I don’t know. Whatever they're shooting at.

Okay, let's go!

God, am I in trouble now.

I'm in trouble now!

Danna!

Oh, God, I'll be good! I'll be good!

Quit fooling around.

Danna, level it off!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Sarge, isn't it standard procedure

during an air raid to have a blackout?

Yeah, what are all these lights doing on?

I don’t know. Must be a foul-up somewhere.

I guess we're gonna have to knack them out ourselves.

That's a great idea, Sarge.

Reese, advance me 60 feet, column left.

Take up a position. I'm gonna douse these lights.

There's no place like home.

There's no place like home.

Hey, kid, you’re the greatest trick-foot artist I ever seen,

and I seen them all aver the world.

Here. Just sign right here. Seven-year contract.

Where's Betty? Where's Betty? Start you off at...

She went out there.

Wait! Hey, wait.

Hey, you. You! You with the stripes!

Hey, do you want to be a pal and come help me pick up my ammo?

Yeah, all right.

Thanks a lat, buddy.

Okay, forward ho. We're gonna draw trajectory on Dumbo!

Look out!

- Tommies. - Sarge?

Tommies, the tommies.

Detroit is the arsenal of democracy. Sarge, Sarge!

He got knocked on the head. He always did have a glass head.

Look, he's babbling like an idiot. What are we gonna do?

You can't go out on me now, Sarge.

Please, you been like a father to me, Sarge.

I'll tell you what we're gonna do.

We're gonna go home. We're gonna paint the scratches on this tank.

We're gonna put the Sarge to bed,

and we're gonna forget this night ever happened.

I got him!

Knack out those lights, kid.

He wants me to knack out the lights.

You see the mess on the streets?

Well, I'm not gonna take the rap for this.

Well, he's that tap-dancing Yankee fry boy from this morning.

Yeah, I know, but he's wearing the stripes.

What'll it be, Sarge?

Right. Let's knack out these lights!

Take that, Tojo. Take that!

This is war.

Angela, hurry. My husband is crazy.

He says he sees Japanese coming from the ocean.

Eat lead, slant.

Has anyone in your command seen these Zeros?

No, sir, but we're shooting at them.

Now, listen. I want you to think about this.

Bombs! I don’t hear any bombs.

If they're up there, if they've come all the way from Asia,

don’t you think they'd bring a few bombs along?

I don't know, sir, but... But nothing!

I can't have an air raid without bombs.

Come on, fly!

You can do it!

Danna, don’t worry about this.

I'm gonna set this baby down if it's the last thing I do.

Sayonara, sucker!

Danna, are you okay? Danna?

Where are we? Where's the door?

Where are we? What is this stuff?

Oh, my God, are we in trouble now.

Hey, what the hell are you shooting at me for?

I'm an American. Can't you tell the difference?

Holy shit, I better get my ass out aver the ocean.

Hey, there's a Kraut on board, too.

We got the whale damn Axis here.

What are we gonna do?

Defend our homes, Angela.

How do you expect to do that, Ward?

The army gave me a gun. I think it's high time we used it.

Yeah!

Hello? Hello?

Hello! Sciali doesn’t answer me.

Jesus Christ, it's a sub. Look, you guys, a Jap sub.

Holy shit, Herb! The dummy's right.

Japs. It's a full-scale invasion.

Gimme that phone!

Japs!

Coordinates, 1-3-0-5...

I knew it, I knew it, I knew it!

That's a Japanese Nakajima Type 97,

or I'm a bigger dummy than he is.

Oh, my God, I'm hit. I'm hit!

Look at him burn!

Oh, my God. It's a P-40 Tomahawk. It's one of ours.

Mayday!

Mayday! Mayday!

Hiya, doll.

Oh, God. No!

That's my kind of girl. It's the end of the line, kid.

No more games.

Oh, God!

Put me down!

Wally!

Wally!

Betty.

Let's get this heap turned around now! Left! Now!

Wally!

Let's go! Come on, let's move! Move!

You know, I can't beat you in a fair fight.

Stupid, I don’t fight fair.

Neither do I.

Hiya, doll.

Follow that girl!

Bring that back!

Hold on.

Oh...

My. God.

Whoa!

Okay, goddamn it!

Ah! Oh! Hmm!

I think he's gonna jump.

Geronimo! Aha!

Whoa!

Made it!

Huh? Oh.

It's coming down!

My plane.

I last my plane.

My... Sub! Jap sub!

Jap sub!

Hold on, mister. We'll get you out of here in a second.

Listen, kid. What?

You gotta get that sub.

What sub? The Jap sub.

Where?

In the ocean, lame-o.

Off shore, near some goddamn amusement park.

The Japs are at Pacific Ocean Amusement Park?

Oh, my God, Wally, that's right next door to my parents' house.

Kid.

You gotta sink that sub.

Come on, Sarge. Come on, now. Sarge, come on, now.

That's it, Sarge. Come on. We got a nice pad for that head of yours.

That's it, Sarge. Come on. We'll go in the tank.

We'll have a drink, Sarge. We'll talk.

Real Japs?

No, wooden Japs, cheetah.

What do you think? Get me out of here.

Move it. Move it.

What the hell is that?

It appears to be an airplane, sir.

We tried to hold the black, sir.

The plane brake through our perimeter.

Head down Hollywood Boulevard to Highland.

Take Highland to Pica. Take Pica to...

Your mama was home when you left.

The cat was home when you left.

Your dad was home when you left.

The dog was home when you left.

- Sound off. Sound off. - One, two.

Wait, Sarge. Wait for me, Sarge. I'm coming, sir.

What's that?

It appears to be a large Negro, sir.

What's that?

A salesman. A businessman.

Accountant. A lawyer.

I'll grease your face with those treads, you punk bastard.

That? A corporal.

Stretch, I lave you!

Soldier, are you the pilot of that plane?

Yes, sir. Captain Wild Bill Kelsa,

United States Army Air Carps, sir.

I'm proud to report that I'm the first American

to shoot down a Jap plane over the continental United States.

You shot down a Jap plane?

Yes, sir.

A Mitsubishi Zero, sir.

Got back some of that scrap metal we sold them, sir.

Blew the living hell out of him right into the Stone Age.

Sir, we just got a report that a plane

went down in the La Brea Tar Pits.

That's him. That's gotta be the one. I told you I shot him down.

Is that a Jap plane, Sergeant?

They don’t know, sir.

What do you mean they don’t know?

Of course it was a Jap plane.

You don’t think I'd shoot down one of our own, do you?

I'm not so sure.

The plane's not important, sir.

What's important is the submarine. The sub.

Submarine? Shot down a Jap sub, too.

No, sir. I could have, though.

I had him in my sights. I had that bastard right where I wanted him,

but I caught it in the radiator. He's still out there!

What about that plane? There must be a pilot.

That is the craziest son of a bitch I ever saw.

How many more like him do you think are up there?

Aw, look. A baby wolf.

Where?

Gus, you can get into anything. Open up this ammunition.

Yes, sir. Stevie, round up the neighbors.

I'm gonna need help getting this gun

aver to where I can get a clear shat.

Macey, stay close. Yes, sir.

That nice soldier told you not to touch the ordnance.

Don’t you think you should call the army?

The army doesn’t know what they're doing. I can handle this.

Get back in the house, Joan.

Ward, you’re acting like Errol Flynn.

Joan, damn it. Shut up!

I just remembered.

I got two guys stuck on top of the Ferris wheel.

Somebody’s gotta get them down.

Macey, get on your bike, get over to the amusement pier.

Dad, I gotta watch you sink the sub.

That's an order, son. Yes, sir.

Look, kid, this is the key to the control box in the Ferris wheel.

I know, I know, I know. Don’t touch anything red or silver.

Yeah, I know. Right. Only blue.

Okay, everybody, over here. Get on this gun. We gotta move it over there.

We're sinking a Japanese sub tonight.

Are you sure you wanna go through with this, Ward?

Okay. Now, a little of this...

Watch it. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

All right.

There. There. Got him right in my sight.

I don’t think you’re gonna hit him, Ward.

I can't believe it. Why aren't they shooting back?

They can't see us, that's why.

Do not push a clip of ammunition into the feed rollers here.

Oh, honey, I saw that movie. Watch this.

Going my way, sister?

Son of a bitch stole my tank.

First he gets egg on my uniform,

then he steals my girl, then he steals my tank.

That's the tank I sent to get that sub.

Yeah.

Near some amusement park.

Yeah, yeah, that's right.

You know where it is?

Yeah, sure.

Get in.

Come on. Go. Go. Go. God damn it! Let's go.

Turn right. Ga ahead. Turn right here.

I'm a bug.

You should never pull this hand-operating lever to the rear.

Let's get out of here!

Do not restore the lever to the firing position.

Do not make sure that this caver is completely closed.

Lats of luck.

And never, ever, under any circumstances,

should you disperse...

Never, ever, under any circumstances...

Foot trigger.

Whoa!

I think about $150 to $200 will fix that.

Did it get them? Did it get them?

Close, Ward. Close.

Let's get this back out there. I'll blast them again.

All right.

Great, we're last. Where the hell is it?

By the ocean.

The ocean? That's left.

No, straight. Right. Straight?

Right or straight?

I said straight, God damn it!

Sayonara, sucker. What are you doing?

Geronimo!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Who's got the last laugh now?

Hey, quit racking the car.

Yeah, quit racking the car.

Shut up. I wasn't racking it.

Hey. Hey, you guys. I'm supposed to get you down.

Thank Christ.

It rolls easy once it gets started. Just kiss it.

Don’t worry, Ward. Gentle as a baby.

There goes Dad.

Watch out.

Open the door!

Dad.

You’re gonna wreck the whale house.

Bays, go upstairs to your room.

Don’t come down until I call ya...

You’re ruining Christmas.

Lining it up.

Too much.

You wrecked the stairs!

Which one do I pull?

The one on the right. No, the one on the left.

Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait.

Coming back.

Now I've got them.

Ward Douglas, don’t you dare fire that gun in this house!

Boy, that was fun.

Wow.

"Warning! Do not...

"...turn on...

"...switch."

Yeah.

Oh, my God. That's the wrong switch.

Turn off those lights, you little asshole!

Oh, my God.

Trapped like beavers.

Hollywood.

Hollywood.

Oh, my God.

I can't... I can't stop it.

Goodbye, Hollywood!

Hey, are you okay? Is he all right?

Boy, that was fun. Can we do it again?

You wanna do it again? Yeah, I wanna do it again.

You really wanna do it again?

I blew the exhaust manifold.

There's the ocean. Hang a right.

Who cares about the ocean, Wally? Right here.

Get it off me.

Hey, hey, hey. Get in the back of the tank.

Wait for me.

Betty. Macey.

How's Mam and Dad?

They're fine.

Who knows how to load this gun?

He does.

Give me that. Give me that. Give me that. Give me that.

All right. Get it.

What's that?

Here, hold this.

Now, Sarge, what is the loading and firing procedure

for the 75-millimeter cannon?

There are five basic components...

This is it, pay attention.

...to the new General Motors electric refrigerator.

What? One, a Freon compressor.

What? Two, the Freon tube.

No, no. Sarge. Three, the power transformer.

No, Sarge. Four...

Geronimo!

Whoa! It's turning. Look, it's painting this way!

Torpedo!

Torpedo!

Blackout. Blackout. Douse those street lights.

Kill that theater marquee.

I made it. It's me, you yellow bastards.

Come on. It's me, Wild Bill Kelsa!

I know you’re in there, you yellow-bellied zipperheads.

Wally, did we get them?

I think so. She's going down.

All right. Hey. Where are you?

Oh, Geronimo!

All right. My name is Wild Bill Kelsa.

And don’t you... Shoot.

All right, turn this tub around.

You’re taking me to Tokyo.

Anybody got a light?

Roaring out of a brilliant blue western sky,

foreign aircraft, flying both in large formation and singly,

flew over Southern California last night

and drew heavy barrages of anti-aircraft fire,

the first ever to sound over United States

continental soil against an enemy invader.

No bombs were reported dropped.

Shortly before 10:00 p.m., the police reported

that an airplane had been shot down into the La Brea Tar Pits.

In other parts of the city,

fifth column acts were reported during the air raid.

Mysterious lights were spotted in many locales.

In the Tarzana hills, Burbank police

saw a string of lights in a "V" form,

pointing toward the Lockheed aircraft plant.

- All right, fall in the yard. - Fall in the yard, men!

Foley, Jones, Reese, Hinshaw. Ten-hut!

...and immediately, army searchlights shot into the sky.

Sergeant, what happened here?

Sir, while suppressing a riot on Hollywood Boulevard

last night with our tank,

I was struck unconscious.

My men, however, received a report about a Japanese sub

off the Santa Monica Pier from a dawned Army Air Carps captain.

They responded immediately, went to the objective,

and at about 2300 hours, they engaged the enemy.

Damage?

The Japanese sunk bath our tank and the Ferris wheel, sir.

I think we hit the sub. I saw it go down.

You see, sir, I...

Danna. Danna. Danna. Not now. Not now.

Oh, honey.

And my girlfriend was there, because...

Well, there was this wild man there...

Son, is this a long story?

Yes, sir. Then save it.

Sir, I'd like to say something.

We've been through a lat, all of us.

We faced the enemy for the first time last night,

right in our own backyards,

and we came together,

put our differences aside and carried on in the true spirit of America.

I think no matter what happens,

what sacrifices we have to face,

we can carry forward like Americans.

While we're doing our repairs here,

I'm going to hang this wreath on my front door.

This symbol of Christmas, this symbol of peace.

I just want to remind us all that we're not going to let

a bunch of treacherous enemy killjoys ruin our Christmas.

Boy, that's great.

What?

You got any tanks on the Burma Road, sir?

I'm just a motor pool sergeant, but I'm a great mechanic, sir.

You know, this year wasn't the big year of the war, '41.

I think the really big year is gonna be 1942.

Let go of me.

It's gonna be a long war.

Let me go. Let me go.

Open the door!

That is the craziest son of a bitch I ever saw.

Torpedo!

It was on that radio there.

- Jesus Christ, it's a sub. - Look, you guys, a Jap sub.

You know, I can't beat you in a fair fight.

Back. Back.

Sergeant? Sir, they're rioting in the streets.

Whoa!

Let's get out of here!

Hi, Stretch!

Close, Ward. Close.

Hell, that reminds me.

Kill them cockroaches back there in that flour sack.

Look at that!

There goes Dad.

Kill a few Krauts for me, huh?