Original subtitles

* Men. *

ALAN: Not yet. Not yet.

Okay.

Wait for the traffic to clear,

and then turn into the left lane.

Not yet. Not yet.

Okay. Go.

Hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry.

Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God. (tires screeching)

(horn honking)

All right, good.

Good, well done.

Thank you.

What are you doing?

Driving.

Both hands-- ten and two.

Twelve.

What?

No, no, like a clock.

10:00 and 2:00.

I have no idea what you're talking about.

Put your left hand on the wheel.

Fine.

You got to like that he can add ten and two.

Yeah.

And he did it in his head.

(music plays on radio)

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Concentrate on the road. (turns off radio)

What? You listen to the radio while you drive.

I'm an experienced driver.

You drive like an old woman.

An experienced old woman.

My point is, never take your eyes off the road.

Hey, don't distract the kid.

He can barely crap and read at the same time.

I can, too! Don't look at me!

Look at the road! Don't yell at him! Jake, look out!

Look out! (horn blaring)

Will you guys just let me drive?

Fine, fine.

Drive.

(breathing deeply)

So, Charlie, when's your, uh...

when's your fiancée back in town?

Uh... next week.

Huh. So, uh...

so her dad's out of the hospital?

Yep. They gave him his new hip and sent him home.

Huh.

So, he had a bad hip?

No, Alan, he has a bad tooth,

but he went to the wrong doctor.

You don't have to be snide.

You don't have to ask dumb-ass questions.

He didn't ask me anything.

Yellow light, yellow light, yellow light. Speed up.

Speed up, speed up, speed up! Slow down, slow down, slow down!

Okay, I've just about had it with you two.

Now, if you don't quit it, I'm going to turn this car around

and nobody's going to the movies.

Man, I've always wanted to say that.

I have to go to the bathroom.

You should have peed when he made that left turn, like I did.

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ah. * Men. * Men.

* Men. *

Oh, there's, uh... there's three over there.

Too far away. (groans)

Why don't you ever wear your glasses? Because I don't need them.

Oh, really? So, why did your eye doctor prescribe them?

It's a racket.

I think they print those charts blurry,

and then tell you it's your eyes.

Look, can we just sit down?

No, no, slide... slide over one.

Slide over one. I need the aisle.

Why do you always need the aisle?

Because he's got a prostate the size of an apple,

and he has to pee every five minutes.

There's nothing wrong with my prostate.

I've got a teeny bladder. It's genetic.

Another reason I think you were adopted.

Ha, ha.

Wasn't funny when I was six, not funny now.

For God's sake, can't you at least wait

until the lights go down?

I'm hungry.

Deviled egg?

No.

Close the lid.

It smells like a box of ass.

I don't know why they call them deviled eggs.

I think they're just heavenly.

Why can't you just sneak in candy like a normal cheapskate?

Way ahead of you.

Still got these left over from last Halloween.

Shh.

What the hell are you doing?

How am I supposed to have a rum and Coke

without the rum?

You're not supposed to bring liquor

into a movie theater.

Oh, but it's fine to bring a big box of ass?

CHARLIE: Where are you going?

I'm going to sit over here.

But... but this is family time.

I like this family better.

Oh, damn it!

I have to pee.

Oh, great.

Focus!

Focus!

Focus!

Another great movie choice, Alan.

Excuse me, but it was recommended

by four out of five critics

who were not plowed when they saw it.

Can we please just get some ice cream?

You sure we need to buy some?

Your dad probably has gelato in his pants.

Uh-oh.

What? Nothing.

You know those girls? Kinda.

You want to go over and say hello?

Alan, don't be an idiot.

No teenager wants to be seen out with his father.

Especially when his father stinks of deviled ass eggs.

Yeah, but teenagers love to be seen

with degenerate rum-soaked uncles

who always dress like they're on line at Epcot Center.

Well, pardon me for having a personal style.

Will you guys please, please shut up?

Hi, Jake.

Hey.

Oh. She's cute.

You guys go to school together?

Of course they go to school together.

Where else is he going to meet a girl like that?

ALAN: He has outside interests. He could've met her anywhere.

He only has two outside interests,

and I don't think he met her

at a taco truck or a public toilet.

You know what, I'm not hungry. Let's just go.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

We're not going anywhere.

I want ice cream.

Why, you going to pour rum on it? No.

Crème de cacao.

All that drinking. You know, I feel sorry for you.

Don't feel sorry for me. You're the reason I drink!

ALAN: Oh, please! If it weren't for me,

you would've choked on your own vomit years ago.

Hey, don't flatter yourself.

I was vomiting

in my sleep long before you came into my life,

and I'll be vomiting long after you're gone.

MAN: Next, please. Oh, yay.

ALAN: Um...

uh, I would like to sample

the, uh... the Passion Fruit,

and the Banana Brickle,

and-- ooh-- uh, maybe the, uh, Nutty Butter Buddy.

Oh, geez-- why don't you just get a double scoop of gayberry

and be done with it?

What... What do you want, Jake?

A quick, painless death.

Hey, what happened to those cute girls?

They left.

Oh, too bad.

I think the one liked you.

They were looking over here a lot.

I know.

Next time, take a little initiative.

Yeah. We're not always going to be here to support you.

* Men. *

ALAN: So, you peek over your right shoulder

and slide it into the spot.

Parallel parking.

Easy peasy.

Are we home?

We're dropping off Jake.

Oh.

I kind of got a sugar crash off that ice cream.

Oh, yeah, it had nothing to do

with the four ounces of liqueur you poured over it.

Better liqueur than Halloween leftovers.

They charge 50 cents for each topping,

and I had perfectly good candy corn.

Okay, bye.

See you next weekend.

Yeah, maybe. What's that mean?

I'll call you.

Okeydoke.

Boy, you really pissed him off.

I pissed him off? What about you?

Hey, he likes me.

Oh, please. Nobody likes you.

We only tolerate you because you have a lot of money.

All right, get out.

What are you talking about?

This is my car. Fine.

How much do you want for it?

(scoffs) Don't be ridiculous.

We talking blue book? 'Cause I just put a new tire on it.

* Men. *

* Men. *

ALAN: You are a lush!

CHARLIE: You are a leech!

ALAN: You are a misogynist!

CHARLIE: You are a mistake!

You are a...

What are we up to? "N."

Thank you.

Uh, you are a...

necrophiliac.

She was drunk, not dead.

I challenge.

Okay, fine. You're a narcissist.

Better.

You are a Nancy boy.

You are old.

You are odd...

...ly shaped.

(phone ringing) Hang on.

You are a parasite.

Not your turn.

Hello.

Oh, hey, Judith. What's up?

What do you mean, what happened with Jake?

We had a nice weekend.

Well, we went driving, to the movies, um, ice cream.

Quack, rectal, suck-wad!

I never got my "P."

All you do is pee.

What? What? Uh, n-nothing.

Little... little word game. You know,

exercise the brain. Twit!

Turd burglar!

Judith, I-I-I don't know what Jake's problem is.

We had a terrific weekend.

Huh.

Jake says he doesn't want to come here anymore.

Really? Why?

I don't know.

Did he say why?

Charlie and I don't bicker.

I mean, no more than any other couple.

Of guys.

Right?

Right.

Oh, oh, oh!

You are a eunuch.

(sighs)

That's "E," not "U."

Learn to spell. Useless!

Look, I don't know what to tell you.

He's a teenager-- he'll get over it.

Okay. Okay.

Bye-bye.

Well, I hope you're happy.

I haven't been happy in seven years.

For your information, I will not

have been here seven years until next fall.

Oh, good to know.

Circle the date on the calendar

so I'll know when to hang myself.

Ha, ha. Funny.

It-it's because of you Jake doesn't want

to come here anymore. Great.

Tell me what I did so I can do it to you.

(sighs)

God, you are such a...

What are we up to? "V."

Varmint!

You are a varmint.

Yeah, well...

you are a vagina.

You're calling me a vagina?

No, no, no, no, no.

No, that's too good for you.

What you are is...

vagina adjacent.

You know, for some women,

this could be considered a hostile work environment.

* Men. *

Hey.

Isn't it past your bedtime?

I don't like to go to sleep angry.

Try drinking more.

What will that solve?

Sobriety.

We need to talk.

Oh, good.

I was so worried we weren't going to talk.

I've been thinking.

Maybe Jake not wanting to hang out here

does have something to do with us.

I mean, we have been fighting a lot lately.

So?

So, don't you want him to feel comfortable here?

He farts at the dinner table.

How much more comfortable do we want him?

Charlie, if you and I don't figure out a way to get along,

there's a chance we might not see him anymore.

And the downside is...?

Come on, tough guy, you know you love him.

Why don't you just admit it?

Okay, I love him.

Now go to your room and masturbate.

Already did, still can't sleep.

My point is, we have to work out our differences

for the sake of the child.

Are you out of your mind?

I mean, if it weren't for Jake,

we could just shake hands and walk away.

After what you've been doing, there'll be no shaking of hands.

I keep Purell in my nightstand.

I'm not an animal.

Where is this going, Alan?

Well, I am glad you asked.

A Blueprint for Love?

It's a workbook Judith and I got in couples counseling.

But the principles can be applied

to any two human beings in a relationship.

I see.

So you did this right before she kicked your ass out

and took everything you own?

The principles are sound.

Judith is an unreasonable bitch.

Now, okay, uh, the, um, the first exercise--

"Building a Foundation of Trust."

So, we each say three things we admire about the other.

Uh, I will go first. Um...

I admire your sense of humor,

uh, your generosity

and your devil-may-care attitude.

Thank you.

Now, your turn-- three things you admire about me.

Three? Really?

All right, uh...

I like that you think I'm funny.

(laughs)

Good one.

Still counts, right?

Sure.

Two to go.

What did Judith put?

No cheating.

Okay.

Uh...

you love your kid, which can't be easy.

And...

you disinfect your hands after you masturbate.

Thank you.

Now, that wasn't so difficult, was it?

Okay, next.

There's more?

Have we healed our relationship, Charlie?

I'm good.

Okay: "Three things you would change about your partner,

and three things you would change about yourself."

This time you start.

Why would I want to change anything about myself?

You're kidding, right?

You think you're perfect?

In my way.

Oh, so you have no flaws?

Let us consider the hummingbird, Alan.

Or the butterfly.

All of God's creatures are perfect

just the way he made them.

Except you. You suck.

Okay. Okay, fine.

Name three things you would change about me.

Your personality,

your wardrobe and your address.

Thank you.

Your voice,

your face, and again, your address.

All right... (anxious laugh) All right.

Your haircut, your fruity little workbook

and your address.

Just... Just needed three.

Oh, come on, we're healing.

Your cheapness,

your smug arrogance and your address.

I'm leaving.

Hey, this thing really works!

* Men. *

The way you chew your food,

the hair in your ears and your address.

That stopped being funny a week ago.

Judges?

Still funny.

So where's the kid this weekend?

He's not coming, thanks to my brother.

Thank you, Charlie.

Sure, lay it all on me.

Nothing's ever your fault.

Hey, at least I was willing to work on our problems.

What, that stupid Blueprint for Love?

That was just an excuse to try to change me.

You knew who I was when you moved in here.

That doesn't mean you can't grow.

Why can't you grow?

Because you hold me back!

Stop it!

Can't you see you're tearing this family apart?!

Hah! What a couple of 'mos.

Look, can we at least establish some ground rules

about how we treat each other in front of Jake?

Like what?

Like we agree that if there's something's bothering us,

we wait and discuss it privately. Fine.

And no name-calling. Done.

And the sarcasm.

While you and I know

that our good-natured ribbing is all in fun,

Jake might perceive it as hostile.

I hate you.

Exactly.

If Jake heard you say that, he'd think you really meant it.

I do mean it. I hate you.

Funny. One of those things

I admire about you.

Now, come on, we'll get dressed and go talk to Jake.

You know, I just thought

of another thing I'd change about you.

Oh, yeah? What's that?

Your inability to accept my hatred.

And your address!

* Men. *

Hey.

He still says he doesn't want to spend the weekend with you two.

You heard her, Al. Let's go.

Oh, stop it.

I'm serious. We don't need him.

I can pick my nose and wipe it on your car seat.

We'll talk to him.

Where is he? In his room.

Let me ask you something.

How did you convince Alan you hated him?

What? He won't believe me.

ALAN: Charlie!

It's not like I can withhold sex, like you did.

If you think of anything, text me.

(scoffs)

(strumming and tuning guitar)

Wow.

You are getting pretty good.

I'm just tuning it.

Well, tune on, broheim.

What are you doing here?

Okay, first of all,

your uncle and I would like to apologize

for our behavior last week.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

I've got nothing to apologize for.

Oh, really? So you've been just perfect

through this whole thing?

What can I tell you? I'm a hummingbird.

Shut up, Charlie.

I hate you, and you were adopted.

Your uncle and I understand

that we might have made you uncomfortable,

and we want you to know

that we're going to make a real effort to change.

When are you planning to start?

Right now.

Right, Charlie? Yeah, sure.

So, you guys will stop fighting so much? ALAN: Yes.

Uh-huh. And you won't embarrass me in public anymore?

When did we embarrass you in public?

Oh, come on, you embarrass him constantly.

Uh, you don't? Hey, I'm the colorful uncle.

One day, he'll be telling his kids all kinds

of funny stories about me.

He'll be telling stories about me, too.

Yeah, to his court-appointed psychiatrist.

You know, you have got a cruel streak that is just ugly.

You want to know what's just ugly?

The schmuck who lives in my guest room.

At least I am not an aging pretty boy

desperately clinging on to the last dregs of his youth.

What are you saying, I'm losing my looks?

Oh, now you're worried.

Let me tell you something, pal.

Looks is all you've ever had.

No heart, no soul, no depth of character whatsoever.

Come on, be honest.

Which would you rather have?

My looks or those other three things?

You know what? Bite me!

I can't believe you actually bit me.

Wait, wait!

I thought you were going to talk to him.

We did. He's still kind of upset with us.

You know teenagers.

You just can't reason with them.

Oh, really? Wait right here.

JUDITH: I don't give a damn!

Weekends are the only peace I get around here!

They're both losers!

Deal with it!

Now get your ass up and go with your father!

I'm driving.

I call shotgun.

Shotgun? What are you, a child?

Me a child? You just bit me!

(engine revving)

Hey, and don't rev it! You're wasting gas!

(engine revving)

Hey! Hey!

Hey, come back here!

Was he waving,

or did he just give us the finger?

Both hands on the wheel!

10:00 and 2:00!

* Men. *

* Men. *

(grunts)

Okay. Okay.

That completes the "How to Disagree in a Loving Way" section.

(slurred): I think we did very well.

I disagree...

but in a loving way.

Okay, okay, next.

Um... things we have in common.

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Charlie.

Same last name. Same last name.

Oh! Very nice, very nice.

Drink?

Uh, yes, I am.

(grunts)

Okay, things we have in common, things we have in common.

Uh... Mom!

We both have the same mother.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

You're adopted.

Oh, right, right, right.

Okay, let's see, let's see.

Uh, what do we have in common?

Uh... Oh, oh, oh! Uh, here's one.

Um, we both feel unworthy of love

and battle homosexual panic.

Maybe that's just me.

Maybe.

Mmm.

Okay, okay, here's one, here's one.

Uh, we both love Jake.

Oh, Jake.

Mmm.

Yeah, I love him.

Where is the little fartmeister?

I think he's sleeping.

Oh, he needs to know we love him.

You're right. You're right.

We don't tell him enough.

Come on, let's go wake him up and tell him we love him.

Mmm, good idea, good idea.

Jake! Guess who loves you!