Original subtitles

ANNOUNCER: Call now. Operators are standing by.

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.

What are you doing?

I'm calling them.

Don't you want to be able to scramble an egg

while it's still in the shell?

Okay...

new rule-- you can't drink while we watch cable television.

You won't say that when you get

a blanket with sleeves for Christmas.

Hi, Jake.

Hmm.

Can I offer you

some fruit and cheese?

You can, but I won't eat it.

Okay.

So what's new?

How's your girlfriend?

That's kind of personal, isn't it?

Sorry. I'm just curious.

Why, you writing a book?

Yeah, it's called The Day Jake's Uncle Kicked His Ass.

Whatever.

Oh, no, don't go.

We so enjoy your company.

Did I do something wrong?

Yeah, you anthropomorphized him.

What?

It means treating something

that's not human as if it is.

You know, like you do with your cat.

Which frankly, makes more sense.

I'm starting to think Jake resents me.

See? You're still doing it.

Look, you can't take it personal.

He's a teenager.

You know, that awkward stage between junior high

and methadone clinic.

I just want to get to know him better.

I already know him.

Trust me, you're not missing anything.

Come on, there's got to be something

underneath that sullen exterior.

Yeah, a "D" student with a perpetual boner.

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.

Ginzu knives.

* Men.

Kind of like high school, huh?

I never did this in high school.

Really? Sex in a car?

You're kind of built for it.

Oh, what the heck is this?

Oh, Jake's retainer.

He lost this years ago.

This cost me like, $500.

Anyway...

No, this is not working for me.

Want another wine cooler?

No, I want to be in a real bed.

Well, what do you want me to do?

You won't stay at Charlie's.

How can I go back there

after his fiancee called me a tramp?

Oh, come on, she didn't mean it.

That was just heat of the moment

when she found out you'd slept with Charlie.

It doesn't bother you, does it?

Well, yeah, yeah, a bit, you know,

but beggars can't be choosers.

And I love you.

No, not here.

Well, then where?

I'd be more than happy to go back to your place

if you could just get past that little incident with your mother.

Little incident?

I caught you in bed with her!

Boy, you are just going to keep harping on that, aren't you?

Why don't we just got to a hotel?

Uh, well, we could, but wouldn't that feel kind of cheap?

I'll tell you what feels kind of cheap-- you.

What are you doing?

I'm getting out of here.

What-what, you're gonna walk home?

Well, it's not far, Alan.

You didn't want to waste the gas, remember?

Pardon me for being green.

Good-bye.

Oh, come on, Melissa!

Let's not ruin a beautiful evening!

I already broke the seal on the condom!

All right, all right.

All right, you win, you win.

I'll take you to a cheap motel.

(siren blaring)

Oh, great. POLICE OFFICER: Stand up

and put your hands behind your head.

Uh, I can explain this.

Hands behind your head!

This is not what it looks like.

I-I-I was just chasing this girl

who jumped out of my car.

Oh...

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh

* Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * Ooh

* Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ooh * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ah. * Men. * Men.

(playing "Smoke on the Water")

(knocking at door)

You got a minute?

I'm practicing.

Yeah, well, take a pause for the cause.

What?

Take five.

Five what?

Just shut up and listen to me!

You have a problem with Chelsea?

No.

So what's with the attitude?

What attitude?

I just don't consider fruit and cheese an acceptable snack.

I don't care. You were rude.

Kettle corn-- that's a snack.

That's not the point.

Nachos-- that's a proper use of cheese.

All right, all right, listen to me.

You're hurting Chelsea's feelings

and I need you to make an effort to be nicer to her.

Hey, it's not my problem

if your girlfriend's oversensitive.

Yeah, it kind of is.

If you guys can't get along, then one of you has got to go.

And guess who that's going to be?

Why? Just 'cause you sleep with her?

Good for you. Why do people think you're stupid?

'Cause of my grades.

Actually, I'm an underachiever.

Just be nice to Chelsea, all right?

Fine.

(playing hard rock riff)

(door closes)

Well, that was uncalled for.

Just F.Y.I., your son's a moron.

No, he's an underachiever.

Where have you been?

Had a date with Melissa.

How'd it go?

She broke up with me

and I may have to register as a sex offender.

Well, as long as you had fun.

Charlie, do you have any idea

how difficult it is to maintain a relationship

when you don't have a place of your own?

Alan, if I didn't have a place of my own,

I'd be worried about more important things than a relationship.

Like, you know, getting a place of my own.

So, you're saying I'm not entitled to a relationship?

No, I'm saying if you can't afford dog food

you don't get a dog.

Oh, great, so I'm just supposed to be

alone for the rest of my life?

No, you're supposed to get your own freakin' place!

Just 'cause you keep saying it, doesn't mean it's gonna happen.

* Men.

How's the French toast, Jake?

It's bread dipped in eggs.

You can't really screw it up.

It's fine.

It's the best damn French toast

I've ever had in my whole freakin' life.

Now stop kicking me.

Okay, guys, I'll see you later.

Oh, you're working on a Sunday?

Well, kind of.

Since my brother and I are both extremely anxious

for me to get my own place--

me, because I'd like a sense of autonomy,

and him, because he's a spiteful turd--

um...

I have found a way to earn some extra money.

Great. Put me down for three boxes of Thin Mints

and some Peanut Butter Sandies.

Ah, Girl Scout cookies? I like those Samoas.

I'm not selling cookies, Jake.

Oh...

Then what are you selling?

It better not be your liver-- I got dibs.

EVELYN: Hello.

Where is my new assistant?

Oh, you didn't.

Morning, all.

Here, darling, put this on.

Ooh, snazzy. Do I get to keep it?

No, but if this works out, I'll sell it to you at cost.

You're going to work for Mom?

What else am I supposed to do?

I don't know, some job that lets you keep your self-respect.

Like, you know, man whore...

Dog de-wormer...

Outhouse inspector.

Morning, Charlie. Hey, Mom. How are you?

Laxative tester, horse inseminator.

I'm going to work weekends with Mom selling real estate,

and she's going to give me a piece of the action.

No, I said having an assistant would give me a little peace

so I could get some action.

Well, whatever. It's a start.

Let's go.

No, dear.

I say, "Let's go."

Oh, oh, okay.

Let's go.

Stop.

Take my bag.

Now let's go.

This is going to be fun.

Okay, I'm done.

He didn't say thank you.

He's leaving the room. We should thank him.

Jake, come back in here and say thank you to Chelsea.

Jake, I'm warning you.

Jake!

(muffled): Thank you, Chelsea.

Now was that so hard?

* Men.

Oh, welcome, welcome.

Please sign in. Take a flyer.

There's juice and cookies in the kitchen.

Thank you.

I know, you think you'd never use a bidet,

but trust me, once you do, you'll never go back

to just wiping.

Anyway, if you're not ready to buy,

the owners are willing to lease.

Thank you.

You're very welcome.

Thanks for coming.

Oh, the rat bastards live right across the street.

They probably just came for the free cookies.

Um, Mom, I have to go to the bathroom.

Number one or number two?

What difference does it make?

Alan, I'm trying to sell a house here.

Warm cookie smell, good-- hot poop smell, bad.

I'll wait.

You're damn right you'll wait.

So the people who own this live mostly in New York?

Oh, they have homes all over the place.

Probably don't even remember they have this one.

Hardly seems fair.

Want fair? Go live on a kibbutz.

Funny.

How's that work, exactly?

Do you have to be Jewish?

Oh, welcome, welcome.

Please sign in.

Uh, there's juice and cookies in the kitchen.

(muffled flatulence)

Loose floorboard.

* Men.

Okay, we need to talk about your kid and my fiancée.

I already talked to him,

and he promised to stay out of her underwear drawer.

What?

Not that he ever went into it.

It's just a precaution.

Alan, I don't think you realize...

Look, look, look, I would love to have this conversation,

but I've got to get to work.

It's 9:00 at night.

Tell that to our mother. People want to see a house

at night and she's got a date, guess who has to show the house?

Well, fine, at least take the rhesus monkey with you.

Oh yeah, nothing sells a multi-million dollar home

more than a 15-year-old boy with greasy hair and BO.

Okay, let him stand on the lawn

in a jockey costume, holding a lantern.

Look, you're the one who said I needed to get my own place.

This is what I got to do.

You don't fool me.

You're never leaving.

Never!

That's it.

I'm done trying with that kid.

(sighs)

When did my life turn into Leave it to Beaver?

It was more fun when it was Leave it to Beaver.

Okay, numb nuts, what did you say to Chelsea?

Nothing. Then why is she so upset?

I don't know. Maybe it's her period.

She says it wasn't, but I don't believe her.

* Men.

(doorbell rings)

Ah...

Welcome to our love nest, my tiny sparrow.

* Men.

* Men.

This is unbelievable.

How can you afford it?

Well, I didn't buy it, of course. I'm renting.

I don't get it.

Just the other day we were going to do it in your car

because you didn't want to shell out $59

for a hotel room.

It was $69, but, uh...

But this is different. I, uh...

I get a tax break on it. You know, the home office.

So, you've moved out of your brother's house?

Uh, well, not quite yet.

This is just a pied-a-terre.

Besides, I might flip it

and move up to something a little bigger.

But you said you're renting.

Yes, yes, I'm renting...

with-with an option to flip.

But let's not talk money.

Let's talk love.

Shall we go try out the bed?

The bed? With the-- with the sheets?

Um...

Beds are so bourgeois, don't you think?

Ooh, Alan. The couch?

Uh, actually I was thinking right here

in front of the fireplace...

on this beach towel.

Come on. I was trying to be nice.

By asking her if she was on her period?

I was taking an interest.

You're an idiot.

Why are you making it personal? I'm not making it personal.

Okay, here's the deal.

You two are going to stay in here and work this thing out

until you're either getting along

or one of you is dead.

FYI, she can kick your ass.

Have fun.

(door closes)

Hey.

Hey.

So...

I guess you owe me an apology.

* Men.

Wow.

(both chuckling)

I've never seen you so forceful and virile.

Oh, thank you, thank you.

You were wonderful, too.

You're-You're still on the towel, right?

You know what I think?

I think finally making love in a place of our own

has given you more confidence.

Well, truth be told, I do feel kind of cocky.

No pun intended.

Oh, it is so intended.

Ah. You got me. (laughing)

Yes, I do.

(moans)

I want to make love to you in every room in this house.

I don't see any reason why not.

As long as we bring the towel.

Of course, we're going to have to wait about a half hour,

give my erectile medication a chance

to overcome my anti-depressants.

Complicated man, Alan Harper.

And I've got the medicine chest to prove it.

(laughing)

Whoopsie.

Oh, damn it!

Sorry.

Sorry doesn't get out the stain.

Do you have any club soda?

How the hell would I know? Don't rub!

Blot, blot, blot!

Stop yelling at me!

Just get out of the way. What is wrong with you?

Nothing. I just...

(screams): Oh, no!

That's your whoopsie.

Oh, my mother's going to kill me!

What does your mother have to do with it?

Are you kidding? She doesn't even let me poop here!

* Men.

Hey, so, how did everything work out?

Sit down, Charlie.

Why?

Just sit.

Okay.

What's going on?

We figured out what the problem is between us.

Well, great. What is it?

You.

Well, this ought to be good.

You told Jake that he should be nice to me

because I was oversensitive?

Well, I don't know that I said those actual words.

And you called me a "D" student with a perpetual...

you know what.

Boner.

Yeah, those were my actual words.

Charlie, don't you see how you're the one

who's been driving a wedge between us?

No, not really.

I told you he wouldn't get it.

Well, hang on a second. Hang on.

You're blaming me

because you two can't get along and now...

You're right. You're right.

I'm the problem. I am so sorry.

It won't ever happen again.

Thank you. Thanks.

"Perpetual" means "pointy," right?

* Men.

Okay, I think I got it all out.

You didn't have to yell.

I know. I'm... I'm sorry.

I don't know what got into me.

It was just an accident.

I know.

You hurt my feelings.

Again, I am so sorry.

Come here.

(clicking tongue)

(door opening)

Now, wait till you see

the panoramic city to ocean views at night.

Why are we running?

Well, remember when I told you I rented this house?

Yeah? I lied.

(police siren wails)

Oh, no. Not again.

Okay. Okay.

Just let me do the talking.

Melissa?

POLICE OFFICER: Get down on your knees,

and put your hands behind your head.

Uh, okay. Okay.

First of all, let me explain the erection.

* Men.

What's going on?

Not much.

Where's Jake and Chelsea?

They went to the movies together.

Oh, how nice.

Yep.

Life is good.

Hmm.

So, did you sell that house?

Uh, no.

Actually, I'm not working for Mom anymore.

You quit?

Yeah, let's say that.

And while we're at it, let's say I dumped Melissa

and decided she never wants to see me again

as long as she lives.

Okay.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, uh, hey, you know how they say

if you take one of those pills

and your erection lasts for more than four hours,

you should call a doctor?

Yeah.

What time is it?