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1
00:00:01,069 --> 00:00:04,038
* Men.
(doorbell rings)
2
00:00:04,105 --> 00:00:05,173
JUDITH:
I said, "No!"
3
00:00:05,239 --> 00:00:06,107
JAKE:
And I said, "Why not?"
4
00:00:06,174 --> 00:00:08,109
No!
Why not?
5
00:00:08,176 --> 00:00:10,578
I don't have to give
you a reason.
Dad, I got
my learner's permit
6
00:00:10,644 --> 00:00:12,313
but Mom won't let
me drive her car.
7
00:00:12,380 --> 00:00:14,348
Just because they give
15-year-olds learner's permits,
8
00:00:14,415 --> 00:00:15,983
doesn't mean
they're ready to drive.
9
00:00:16,050 --> 00:00:17,485
Oh, please, I've been
driving for years.
10
00:00:17,551 --> 00:00:21,422
Grand Theft Auto One,
Grand Theft Auto Two.
11
00:00:21,489 --> 00:00:24,458
And I never ran over anybody
but pimps and crack whores.
12
00:00:24,525 --> 00:00:25,293
Jake.
13
00:00:25,359 --> 00:00:28,762
Sorry. Crack
prostitutes.
14
00:00:28,829 --> 00:00:30,264
Go get started on your homework.
15
00:00:30,331 --> 00:00:31,732
Afterward, will you
take me driving?
16
00:00:31,799 --> 00:00:32,866
We'll talk about it later.
17
00:00:32,933 --> 00:00:34,435
When?
Just go to your room.
18
00:00:34,502 --> 00:00:35,269
I'm available now.
19
00:00:35,336 --> 00:00:36,470
Go!
20
00:00:36,537 --> 00:00:39,006
Man, if I knew how to hot-wire
a real car,
21
00:00:39,073 --> 00:00:41,008
I'd so be outta here.
22
00:00:41,075 --> 00:00:43,877
Well, thanks for bringing him
by, I guess.
23
00:00:43,944 --> 00:00:45,546
Yeah. Uh, if you need
to reach me,
24
00:00:45,613 --> 00:00:48,048
Herb and I are going to Laguna
Beach for a weekend getaway.
25
00:00:48,116 --> 00:00:49,350
Oh, how nice.
Taking the baby?
26
00:00:49,417 --> 00:00:51,252
Are you insane?
I said "getaway."
27
00:00:51,319 --> 00:00:52,586
Herb's lucky I'm taking him.
28
00:00:52,653 --> 00:00:54,088
I see.
29
00:00:54,155 --> 00:00:56,090
So, uh, so, who's watching
little Millie?
30
00:00:56,157 --> 00:00:57,158
My mother.
31
00:00:57,225 --> 00:00:59,193
Ooh. Are we sure
that's a good idea?
32
00:00:59,260 --> 00:01:01,529
Okay, first of all,
there is no "we" here.
33
00:01:01,595 --> 00:01:03,297
And what are you implying?
34
00:01:03,364 --> 00:01:05,999
I'm implying that there might be
better choices for a babysitter
35
00:01:06,066 --> 00:01:08,469
than a woman who has a sandwich
named after her
36
00:01:08,536 --> 00:01:10,271
at the Betty Ford Clinic.
37
00:01:11,405 --> 00:01:13,641
She's three years clean
and sober,
38
00:01:13,707 --> 00:01:16,410
all the charges were dropped
and she's great with Millie.
39
00:01:16,477 --> 00:01:17,678
All right. All right.
40
00:01:17,745 --> 00:01:18,746
I hope you don't mind,
but I gave her your number
41
00:01:18,812 --> 00:01:19,813
in case there's an emergency.
42
00:01:19,880 --> 00:01:20,848
I don't mind.
43
00:01:20,914 --> 00:01:22,716
So, uh, how is the baby, anyway?
44
00:01:22,783 --> 00:01:24,385
Fine.
45
00:01:24,452 --> 00:01:25,786
Good, good.
46
00:01:25,853 --> 00:01:27,821
Jake showed me some pictures.
47
00:01:27,888 --> 00:01:29,823
I gotta say, she doesn't look
much like you,
48
00:01:29,890 --> 00:01:32,059
and she certainly doesn't look
like Herb.
49
00:01:32,126 --> 00:01:34,061
Don't go there, Alan.
50
00:01:34,128 --> 00:01:35,696
Go where? I'm not implying
51
00:01:35,763 --> 00:01:37,931
that someone other than Herb
could be the father.
52
00:01:37,998 --> 00:01:40,968
Even though that someone did
have unprotected sex with you
53
00:01:41,034 --> 00:01:43,103
approximately nine months
before the birth of a child
54
00:01:43,171 --> 00:01:45,773
that looks suspiciously
like that someone.
55
00:01:46,940 --> 00:01:49,310
You get that I'm talking
about me, right?
56
00:01:49,377 --> 00:01:50,944
Honey, if we want
to beat the traffic,
57
00:01:51,011 --> 00:01:52,380
we really should get going.
Oh, hey, Alan.
58
00:01:52,446 --> 00:01:53,947
Hey, Herb.
Did you hear?
59
00:01:54,014 --> 00:01:56,817
Judith and I are spending a
romantic weekend in Laguna.
60
00:01:56,884 --> 00:01:58,819
I said "weekend," Herb.
That's all.
61
00:01:58,886 --> 00:02:01,021
Okay, fine,
no romance.
62
00:02:02,022 --> 00:02:04,258
But sex is still
on the table, right?
63
00:02:04,325 --> 00:02:05,659
Just get in the car.
64
00:02:05,726 --> 00:02:07,127
Oh, can I drive?
No.
65
00:02:07,195 --> 00:02:08,696
Why not?!
66
00:02:09,597 --> 00:02:11,332
Is she gone?
67
00:02:13,567 --> 00:02:15,703
(cat screeching)
Damn it!
68
00:02:17,838 --> 00:02:20,474
Chelsea, your cat's
trying to kill me!
69
00:02:20,541 --> 00:02:21,709
CHELSEA:
Is he okay?
70
00:02:21,775 --> 00:02:23,177
The cat's fine!
71
00:02:23,244 --> 00:02:25,779
Probably off plotting
his next move... Whoa!
72
00:02:25,846 --> 00:02:27,315
(thudding)
Whoa!
73
00:02:27,381 --> 00:02:28,382
Are you okay?
74
00:02:28,449 --> 00:02:29,350
No.
75
00:02:29,417 --> 00:02:30,551
What happened?
76
00:02:30,618 --> 00:02:31,919
Uncle Charlie fell.
77
00:02:31,985 --> 00:02:33,187
Oh.
78
00:02:33,254 --> 00:02:34,822
Can I drive you to
the hospital?
79
00:02:36,457 --> 00:02:39,360
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *
80
00:02:39,427 --> 00:02:42,730
* Men, men, men, men,
manly men, men, men *
* Ooh
81
00:02:42,796 --> 00:02:45,899
* Men, men, men, men,
manly men *
* Ooh
* Ooh
82
00:02:45,966 --> 00:02:48,001
* Ooh-ooh-ooh,
ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... *
83
00:02:48,068 --> 00:02:50,404
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *
84
00:02:50,471 --> 00:02:53,741
* Ooh
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *
85
00:02:53,807 --> 00:02:58,946
* Ah.
* Men.
* Men.
86
00:03:03,384 --> 00:03:05,886
* Men.
CHELSEA: Sir Lancelot!
87
00:03:08,789 --> 00:03:11,058
Here, kitty, kitty!
88
00:03:12,993 --> 00:03:14,262
He's probably hiding
89
00:03:14,328 --> 00:03:15,829
because he thinks
you're mad at him.
90
00:03:15,896 --> 00:03:18,332
For God's sake, Chelsea,
91
00:03:18,399 --> 00:03:20,568
the cat doesn't think
anything except maybe,
92
00:03:20,634 --> 00:03:22,903
"Mmm, fish, I'll eat it."
93
00:03:24,104 --> 00:03:27,441
Or "Ooh, sand, I'll crap in it."
94
00:03:27,508 --> 00:03:28,609
You're wrong.
95
00:03:28,676 --> 00:03:30,811
He's very intelligent
and very intuitive.
96
00:03:30,878 --> 00:03:32,646
He knows you resent him
living here.
97
00:03:32,713 --> 00:03:35,349
Thank you, Chelsea,
but I can defend myself.
98
00:03:37,084 --> 00:03:38,986
I was talking
about my cat.
99
00:03:39,052 --> 00:03:40,521
Oh, oh, I'm sorry.
100
00:03:40,588 --> 00:03:42,656
Mmm, fish. Yum.
101
00:03:44,758 --> 00:03:45,926
Okay, I'm going
to work.
102
00:03:45,993 --> 00:03:47,528
Feel better.
103
00:03:47,595 --> 00:03:49,196
Thanks.
104
00:03:49,263 --> 00:03:50,764
How's the shoulder?
105
00:03:51,832 --> 00:03:53,567
The shoulder's fine.
106
00:03:53,634 --> 00:03:56,203
I'm just hopin' to get a little
"Oh, poor Charlie" tonight.
107
00:03:56,270 --> 00:03:58,105
"Oh, poor Charlie"?
108
00:03:58,171 --> 00:03:59,873
Yeah. You know,
109
00:03:59,940 --> 00:04:02,676
"Oh, poor Charlie.
110
00:04:02,743 --> 00:04:05,846
"I feel bad about your shoulder,
so you just lie still
111
00:04:05,913 --> 00:04:09,417
while I provide you with a
series of intense orgasms."
112
00:04:09,483 --> 00:04:11,218
Wow.
113
00:04:11,285 --> 00:04:14,422
I don't know what to say,
other than "oink."
114
00:04:14,488 --> 00:04:15,556
(engine starting)
115
00:04:15,623 --> 00:04:16,890
Is that a car?
Can I drive?
116
00:04:16,957 --> 00:04:19,092
Can I drive?
Relax, it's just Chelsea
going to work.
117
00:04:19,159 --> 00:04:20,093
Oh.
118
00:04:20,160 --> 00:04:21,595
Uncle Charlie,
you need to go anywhere?
119
00:04:21,662 --> 00:04:23,697
Yeah, away from you.
120
00:04:23,764 --> 00:04:24,998
All right. I'll drive you.
121
00:04:26,166 --> 00:04:29,337
You want to drive
my $80,000 Mercedes?
122
00:04:29,403 --> 00:04:30,804
Yes, please.
123
00:04:30,871 --> 00:04:32,573
It's good that he's polite.
124
00:04:32,640 --> 00:04:35,576
It's a necessary quality
in a doorman.
125
00:04:36,477 --> 00:04:38,579
Was that a "yes"
or a "no"?
126
00:04:38,646 --> 00:04:39,547
That was a "no."
127
00:04:39,613 --> 00:04:41,649
So the doorman thing
was an insult?
128
00:04:41,715 --> 00:04:42,916
Yes.
129
00:04:42,983 --> 00:04:45,118
Oh.
130
00:04:46,186 --> 00:04:48,121
And a prophecy.
131
00:04:48,188 --> 00:04:50,358
(phone rings)
132
00:04:52,225 --> 00:04:54,194
(alarm blaring)
Hello?
133
00:04:54,261 --> 00:04:55,763
No, it's Charlie.
134
00:04:55,829 --> 00:04:57,898
Who's this?
135
00:04:57,965 --> 00:04:59,900
I can't hear you. What?
136
00:05:01,001 --> 00:05:02,403
Alan, it's for you.
137
00:05:02,470 --> 00:05:04,071
Oh.
138
00:05:04,137 --> 00:05:05,406
Hello?
139
00:05:05,473 --> 00:05:07,408
Oh, oh, hi, Lenore.
140
00:05:07,475 --> 00:05:08,942
It's, uh, Judith's mother.
141
00:05:09,009 --> 00:05:11,979
Uh, is that the house alarm?
142
00:05:12,045 --> 00:05:14,782
Uh, is-is the baby okay?
143
00:05:14,848 --> 00:05:17,785
All right, open the little panel
by the front door
144
00:05:17,851 --> 00:05:21,021
and enter pound,
star and the code.
145
00:05:22,890 --> 00:05:26,259
Pound is the little
tic-tac-toe board.
146
00:05:27,461 --> 00:05:30,864
Yeah, like on Hollywood Squares.
147
00:05:30,931 --> 00:05:32,733
She still poppin'
the pain pills?
148
00:05:32,800 --> 00:05:33,901
No.
149
00:05:33,967 --> 00:05:36,570
Good. See if she's
got any leftovers.
150
00:05:37,771 --> 00:05:40,641
Okay, the code is
Jake's birthday.
151
00:05:41,509 --> 00:05:44,445
Your grandson.
152
00:05:44,512 --> 00:05:46,814
Anyway, it's oh-three-one-four--
153
00:05:46,880 --> 00:05:49,182
Oh, no, no, Le-Lenore, don't
punch it into the phone.
154
00:05:49,249 --> 00:05:50,551
No, Lenore! Lenore! Lenore!
155
00:05:50,618 --> 00:05:52,553
Okay, okay, okay,
calm down, calm down.
156
00:05:52,620 --> 00:05:54,121
I-I'll be right there.
157
00:05:54,187 --> 00:05:55,589
I-I will turn it off for you.
158
00:05:55,656 --> 00:05:57,290
Oh, okay, okay. Bye.
159
00:05:57,357 --> 00:05:58,792
(grunting): I gotta go.
160
00:05:58,859 --> 00:05:59,827
You couldn't be more of a sucker
161
00:05:59,893 --> 00:06:01,529
if you were on the end
of a stick.
162
00:06:01,595 --> 00:06:02,796
Why?
163
00:06:02,863 --> 00:06:04,131
Because I'll take any excuse
164
00:06:04,197 --> 00:06:05,766
to spend some time
with my baby daughter?
165
00:06:05,833 --> 00:06:07,801
You don't know
you're the father, Alan.
166
00:06:07,868 --> 00:06:09,302
Oh, come on.
167
00:06:09,369 --> 00:06:11,539
She's got my jawline,
my eyes, my ears.
168
00:06:11,605 --> 00:06:16,076
You left out thinning hair
and poopy pants.
169
00:06:16,143 --> 00:06:17,878
That was one time
170
00:06:17,945 --> 00:06:20,848
and I begged you to stop
at a gas station.
171
00:06:23,016 --> 00:06:24,618
(alarm blaring)
* Men.
172
00:06:24,685 --> 00:06:25,786
(baby crying)
173
00:06:25,853 --> 00:06:28,121
Oh, Alan, thank God
you're here.
174
00:06:28,188 --> 00:06:32,059
I pushed all the buttons,
but I can't get it to stop.
175
00:06:32,125 --> 00:06:33,427
Well, that might be
176
00:06:33,494 --> 00:06:36,664
because you were adjusting
the thermostat.
177
00:06:39,667 --> 00:06:41,835
(alarm stops)
Ah, there we go.
178
00:06:41,902 --> 00:06:43,704
Oh, thank God.
179
00:06:43,771 --> 00:06:44,838
(crying continues)
Oh, here, let me see
180
00:06:44,905 --> 00:06:46,740
if I can turn this
alarm off.
181
00:06:46,807 --> 00:06:48,141
Come here, Millie.
182
00:06:48,208 --> 00:06:50,143
Come to Papa...
183
00:06:52,245 --> 00:06:56,049
* ...was a rolling stone
184
00:06:56,116 --> 00:07:00,153
* Wherever he laid his
hat was his home... *
185
00:07:00,220 --> 00:07:02,122
Always sang this to Jake.
186
00:07:02,189 --> 00:07:03,624
Worked like a charm.
187
00:07:03,691 --> 00:07:04,992
(crying continues)
188
00:07:05,058 --> 00:07:07,995
(high-pitched):
* And when he died
189
00:07:08,061 --> 00:07:11,331
* All he left us
was alone. *
190
00:07:11,398 --> 00:07:12,666
(crying stops)
191
00:07:12,733 --> 00:07:14,001
Huh, look at that.
192
00:07:14,067 --> 00:07:16,436
Well, you're a miracle
worker, Alan.
193
00:07:16,504 --> 00:07:17,638
Oh, no.
194
00:07:17,705 --> 00:07:18,939
I just have a knack
for babies.
195
00:07:19,006 --> 00:07:20,874
And, uh, and animals.
196
00:07:20,941 --> 00:07:23,911
It's only English-speaking
adults that don't like me.
197
00:07:23,977 --> 00:07:26,480
Well, I think you're
a wonderful fella.
198
00:07:26,547 --> 00:07:27,815
And if you don't
mind my saying,
199
00:07:27,881 --> 00:07:30,684
I think Judith was a
fool to let you go.
200
00:07:30,751 --> 00:07:32,352
Well, she didn't so much
let me go
201
00:07:32,419 --> 00:07:35,556
as drop me from an airplane
with an anvil necklace.
202
00:07:36,890 --> 00:07:39,827
Okay, honey, time
to get your beauty rest.
203
00:07:39,893 --> 00:07:43,831
I'm afraid that's gonna
have to be a long nap.
204
00:07:43,897 --> 00:07:46,333
I mean, I hate to say it about
my own granddaughter,
205
00:07:46,399 --> 00:07:48,736
but let's face it--
with those big ears
206
00:07:48,802 --> 00:07:51,805
she looks a little
like a fruit bat.
207
00:07:53,440 --> 00:07:55,976
I think her ears are
the perfect size.
208
00:07:56,043 --> 00:07:57,878
You would.
209
00:07:58,912 --> 00:08:00,781
How about some wine?
210
00:08:00,848 --> 00:08:03,551
Uh, uh, well, thank you, but
I-I really should get going.
211
00:08:03,617 --> 00:08:05,218
Oh, no, come on, join me.
212
00:08:05,285 --> 00:08:06,820
Just one. We'll catch up.
213
00:08:06,887 --> 00:08:09,022
Uh... Lenore, it's really
none of my business,
214
00:08:09,089 --> 00:08:11,091
but do you think you should
really be drinking?
215
00:08:11,158 --> 00:08:14,061
What? You mean,
because I've been to Betty Ford?
216
00:08:14,127 --> 00:08:15,195
Oh, no, no, uh,
217
00:08:15,262 --> 00:08:18,165
because you got kicked out
of Betty Ford.
218
00:08:18,231 --> 00:08:20,100
Hey, Britney bit me first.
219
00:08:21,602 --> 00:08:24,938
Anyway, I was there
for pills.
220
00:08:25,005 --> 00:08:27,140
I've never had a problem
with alcohol.
221
00:08:27,207 --> 00:08:29,176
Oh.
222
00:08:32,880 --> 00:08:33,647
See?
223
00:08:33,714 --> 00:08:36,149
No problem.
224
00:08:36,216 --> 00:08:37,985
Okay, now,
225
00:08:38,051 --> 00:08:41,488
where did I hide
those muscle relaxers
226
00:08:41,555 --> 00:08:43,691
I picked up in Mexico?
227
00:08:46,259 --> 00:08:48,461
That's right.
228
00:08:48,528 --> 00:08:50,631
Between my buttcheeks.
229
00:08:52,165 --> 00:08:55,102
Turn around.
230
00:08:59,372 --> 00:09:01,308
* Men.
231
00:09:09,249 --> 00:09:10,550
Uncle Charlie?
232
00:09:10,618 --> 00:09:12,185
What?
233
00:09:12,252 --> 00:09:13,186
You hungry?
234
00:09:14,688 --> 00:09:17,958
'Cause if you are, we could go
get something to eat.
235
00:09:18,025 --> 00:09:20,027
And I'll even drive.
236
00:09:20,093 --> 00:09:22,429
Jake, I'm sleeping.
237
00:09:22,495 --> 00:09:24,297
Okay.
238
00:09:27,801 --> 00:09:29,770
You know, you could nap
in the car.
239
00:09:29,837 --> 00:09:30,638
I just gotta have an adult
with me.
240
00:09:30,704 --> 00:09:32,873
They don't have to be conscious.
241
00:09:32,940 --> 00:09:34,742
I'm not hungry.
242
00:09:34,808 --> 00:09:36,777
Okay, fine.
243
00:09:39,212 --> 00:09:41,715
Hey, want to go see a movie?
'Cause if you do...
244
00:09:42,816 --> 00:09:45,018
(grunting)
245
00:09:45,085 --> 00:09:47,020
Maybe after your nap.
246
00:09:51,992 --> 00:09:54,962
Oh, crap, now I'm awake.
247
00:09:55,028 --> 00:09:55,796
Great.
248
00:09:55,863 --> 00:09:58,298
You hungry?
249
00:09:58,365 --> 00:09:59,967
* Men.
250
00:10:00,033 --> 00:10:02,836
You're lucky you're
single, Alan.
251
00:10:02,903 --> 00:10:04,004
Oh, I don't know.
252
00:10:04,071 --> 00:10:05,372
Oh, no, trust me.
253
00:10:05,438 --> 00:10:10,043
I've been married
for 39 years!
254
00:10:10,110 --> 00:10:11,712
Really?
255
00:10:11,779 --> 00:10:13,613
But Judith's 40.
256
00:10:13,681 --> 00:10:15,582
Shh.
257
00:10:17,550 --> 00:10:20,721
Do you know what it's like
to wake up every morning,
258
00:10:20,788 --> 00:10:22,489
year after year,
259
00:10:22,555 --> 00:10:26,994
and see the same stupid face
lying next to you?
260
00:10:27,060 --> 00:10:31,498
Uh, well, all I can tell you
is what I told your daughter.
261
00:10:31,564 --> 00:10:34,702
If you don't like it, roll over.
262
00:10:37,905 --> 00:10:41,541
Fred hasn't touched me
in 14 years.
263
00:10:41,608 --> 00:10:43,777
Uh, well, uh, in his defense,
264
00:10:43,844 --> 00:10:46,747
he did have that stroke.
265
00:10:46,814 --> 00:10:50,250
Do you know what happens
to a woman's body
266
00:10:50,317 --> 00:10:52,419
when it goes unloved
for that long?
267
00:10:52,485 --> 00:10:53,887
Oh, gee, Lenore,
I don't really
268
00:10:53,954 --> 00:10:55,588
feel comfortable
talking about this...
269
00:10:55,655 --> 00:10:58,258
Oh, now, Alan, come on,
we're both grown-ups.
270
00:10:58,325 --> 00:11:01,661
Think about what I'm saying.
271
00:11:04,564 --> 00:11:08,068
All right, well...
272
00:11:08,135 --> 00:11:10,771
I'm getting an image of a...
273
00:11:10,838 --> 00:11:13,974
a cave
from an Indiana Jones movie.
274
00:11:14,041 --> 00:11:15,575
What?!
275
00:11:15,642 --> 00:11:19,980
Well, you know-- cobwebs,
276
00:11:20,047 --> 00:11:24,718
dust, human skulls.
277
00:11:24,785 --> 00:11:28,822
This is my vagina
we're talking about.
278
00:11:28,889 --> 00:11:32,225
Oh, I am well aware
of what we're talking about.
279
00:11:33,693 --> 00:11:36,897
(voice breaking):
I've been so lonely.
280
00:11:36,964 --> 00:11:40,167
Oh, oh, I'm...
281
00:11:40,233 --> 00:11:42,502
I'm sorry, Lenore.
282
00:11:42,569 --> 00:11:44,237
Mmm.
283
00:11:56,116 --> 00:11:58,986
A stroke's starting
to look pretty good.
284
00:12:01,321 --> 00:12:03,356
* Men.
285
00:12:05,425 --> 00:12:06,960
Can't I at least
back it out?
286
00:12:07,027 --> 00:12:07,928
No.
287
00:12:07,995 --> 00:12:10,430
Come on, nothing's
gonna happen.
288
00:12:10,497 --> 00:12:11,932
Look, you wanna eat or not?
289
00:12:11,999 --> 00:12:12,933
Fine.
290
00:12:13,000 --> 00:12:14,667
What if we went to
an empty parking lot?
291
00:12:14,734 --> 00:12:16,003
Could I drive it then?
292
00:12:16,069 --> 00:12:17,537
Dammit, Jake, how many times
I gotta tell...
293
00:12:17,604 --> 00:12:19,773
(cat screeching)
294
00:12:22,642 --> 00:12:23,743
What the hell was that?
295
00:12:23,811 --> 00:12:25,578
I don't know.
296
00:12:25,645 --> 00:12:27,981
Sounds like you
ran over a cat.
297
00:12:29,783 --> 00:12:31,484
* Men.
298
00:12:33,520 --> 00:12:35,288
* Men.
299
00:12:35,355 --> 00:12:37,858
Told you you should've
let me drive.
300
00:12:39,960 --> 00:12:42,495
You know, Chelsea's gonna
completely freak out.
301
00:12:42,562 --> 00:12:47,367
No, she will not be happy.
302
00:12:47,434 --> 00:12:50,037
Doesn't even look
like a cat anymore.
303
00:12:50,103 --> 00:12:51,004
Nope.
304
00:12:51,071 --> 00:12:53,173
More like a cat pancake.
305
00:12:53,240 --> 00:12:54,875
Catcake.
306
00:12:56,109 --> 00:12:58,078
Sorry.
307
00:12:58,145 --> 00:12:59,112
What am I gonna tell her?
308
00:12:59,179 --> 00:13:00,447
She doesn't have to know.
309
00:13:00,513 --> 00:13:02,883
You're right.
310
00:13:02,950 --> 00:13:06,186
She thinks Sir Lancelot's
missing, so he stays missing.
311
00:13:06,253 --> 00:13:08,788
Sir Squished-a-lot.
312
00:13:08,856 --> 00:13:10,723
Okay, okay, let's just
think what we gotta do.
313
00:13:10,790 --> 00:13:12,492
We have to get
rid of the body,
314
00:13:12,559 --> 00:13:14,995
clean up the mess then act
like nothing's happened.
315
00:13:15,062 --> 00:13:16,696
Good plan, except...
316
00:13:16,763 --> 00:13:18,365
Except what?
Say, "cheese!"
317
00:13:18,431 --> 00:13:19,967
What are you doing?
318
00:13:20,033 --> 00:13:23,436
Making sure I get to drive
your car whenever I want to.
319
00:13:23,503 --> 00:13:24,905
What?! Give me that!
320
00:13:24,972 --> 00:13:27,474
Too late, I already
emailed it to myself.
321
00:13:27,540 --> 00:13:28,508
You're bluffing.
322
00:13:28,575 --> 00:13:29,943
Perhaps.
323
00:13:30,010 --> 00:13:33,646
But can you really afford
to take that chance?
324
00:13:35,282 --> 00:13:36,917
* Men.
325
00:13:36,984 --> 00:13:40,020
* Hush, little baby,
don't say a word *
326
00:13:40,087 --> 00:13:44,591
* Daddy's gonna buy you
a mockingbird *
327
00:13:44,657 --> 00:13:47,194
* If that mockingbird
don't sing *
328
00:13:47,260 --> 00:13:49,162
Forget it, I'm not sleepy.
329
00:13:51,298 --> 00:13:52,900
Let's go in the hot tub!
330
00:13:52,966 --> 00:13:56,269
Uh, but I don't
have a bathing suit.
331
00:13:56,336 --> 00:13:59,139
Me neither.
332
00:14:01,408 --> 00:14:03,410
Come on, stroke.
333
00:14:03,476 --> 00:14:06,546
(phone ringing)
334
00:14:06,613 --> 00:14:08,048
Judith, ugh.
335
00:14:08,115 --> 00:14:11,051
Oh, this just keeps
getting better and better.
336
00:14:11,118 --> 00:14:13,786
(baby crying)
Oh, hey, look who's up.
337
00:14:13,853 --> 00:14:15,522
Hi, sweetie.
338
00:14:15,588 --> 00:14:17,224
You need a little change?
339
00:14:17,290 --> 00:14:18,691
(sniffs)
Oh, yeah.
340
00:14:18,758 --> 00:14:21,328
I'll let you in
on a little secret.
341
00:14:21,394 --> 00:14:22,996
Before this day is over,
342
00:14:23,063 --> 00:14:26,433
I might need to change
my undies, too.
343
00:14:26,499 --> 00:14:31,804
(cell phone ringtone)
344
00:14:31,871 --> 00:14:35,308
Uh-oh, it's your mommy again.
345
00:14:35,375 --> 00:14:37,644
Shh.
346
00:14:37,710 --> 00:14:38,946
Hello?
347
00:14:39,012 --> 00:14:41,481
Oh, hey, Judith, what's up?
348
00:14:41,548 --> 00:14:42,682
So, how's Laguna?
349
00:14:42,749 --> 00:14:44,117
Laguna's fine.
350
00:14:44,184 --> 00:14:45,818
Um, listen, my mother's
not answering the phone
351
00:14:45,885 --> 00:14:47,687
so I need you to go check
on her and the baby.
352
00:14:47,754 --> 00:14:49,322
Me?
353
00:14:49,389 --> 00:14:52,325
You, uh, you want me to drive
all the way to Sherman Oaks
354
00:14:52,392 --> 00:14:56,396
to check on your mother who you
assured me was clean and sober?
355
00:14:56,463 --> 00:14:58,031
(baby crying)
356
00:14:58,098 --> 00:14:59,566
What's that?
357
00:14:59,632 --> 00:15:03,470
Uh, uh, that is the...
is the TV that I am watching.
358
00:15:03,536 --> 00:15:06,173
The... Baby Channel.
359
00:15:06,239 --> 00:15:09,776
A... uh, uh... documentary
about obese babies.
360
00:15:09,842 --> 00:15:12,079
Tragic.
361
00:15:12,145 --> 00:15:15,148
Okay, listen, I-I will check up
on your mother for you
362
00:15:15,215 --> 00:15:16,683
but, uh, you owe me one.
363
00:15:16,749 --> 00:15:19,086
(sing-song):
Oh, Alan...
364
00:15:19,152 --> 00:15:22,022
Ta-da!
365
00:15:25,058 --> 00:15:26,393
Not bad.
366
00:15:26,459 --> 00:15:28,728
What's not bad?
367
00:15:28,795 --> 00:15:32,832
Uh, I mean, it's not a bad idea
for me to check up on her.
368
00:15:32,899 --> 00:15:36,169
Thank you. Call me
when you get there.
369
00:15:36,236 --> 00:15:39,839
(sing-song)
Oh, Judith...
370
00:15:39,906 --> 00:15:42,075
Look who mowed
the front lawn.
371
00:15:45,045 --> 00:15:47,247
* Men.
372
00:15:47,314 --> 00:15:48,948
So, we're agreed.
373
00:15:49,016 --> 00:15:50,817
We will never speak
of this again.
374
00:15:50,883 --> 00:15:53,987
Well, that kind of
depends on you, doesn't it?
375
00:15:54,054 --> 00:15:56,423
I've already got
the shovel, Jake.
376
00:15:56,489 --> 00:15:58,591
I can dig another hole.
377
00:15:58,658 --> 00:16:01,161
CHELSEA:
Charlie, I'm home!
378
00:16:04,097 --> 00:16:06,633
Hi, sweetie,
how was work?
Okay.
379
00:16:06,699 --> 00:16:08,201
I was a little worried
about Sir Lancelot.
380
00:16:08,268 --> 00:16:09,302
Have you seen him?
381
00:16:09,369 --> 00:16:11,738
No, haven't seen
him, not a trace.
382
00:16:11,804 --> 00:16:13,440
What about you, Jake?
383
00:16:13,506 --> 00:16:16,009
No, but if I was a cat I'd
probably be on the beach.
384
00:16:16,076 --> 00:16:17,910
'Cause, you know, the beach
is one big litter box
385
00:16:17,977 --> 00:16:19,479
and the ocean is
a giant fish bowl.
386
00:16:19,546 --> 00:16:22,115
Kind of like having
a sushi bar in your bathroom.
387
00:16:23,650 --> 00:16:26,186
Wow, how great
would that be?
388
00:16:26,253 --> 00:16:27,787
I guess.
389
00:16:27,854 --> 00:16:30,090
I'll still feel better
when he comes back.
390
00:16:30,157 --> 00:16:31,791
We all will.
391
00:16:33,193 --> 00:16:35,062
You're quite the little
liar, aren't you?
392
00:16:35,128 --> 00:16:38,165
I'm 15. My life depends on it.
393
00:16:38,231 --> 00:16:40,167
Chelsea, Uncle Charlie's
gonna take me driving.
394
00:16:40,233 --> 00:16:42,102
Can we bring you
back anything?
395
00:16:48,108 --> 00:16:50,043
* Men.
396
00:16:50,110 --> 00:16:52,512
That woman just cut you off!
397
00:16:52,579 --> 00:16:55,748
Learn how to drive, you whore!
398
00:16:55,815 --> 00:16:58,951
Yeah, I'm talking to you!
399
00:16:59,018 --> 00:17:01,521
Lenore, ooh, Lenore...
Lenore, Lenore, we should
probably keep it down.
400
00:17:01,588 --> 00:17:03,423
We don't want to
wake the baby.
401
00:17:03,490 --> 00:17:04,591
What baby?
402
00:17:04,657 --> 00:17:06,926
Oh, right.
403
00:17:06,993 --> 00:17:09,062
Woof.
404
00:17:09,129 --> 00:17:13,633
(cell phone ringtone)
405
00:17:13,700 --> 00:17:14,301
Ugh.
406
00:17:14,367 --> 00:17:16,603
Hello, Judith.
407
00:17:16,669 --> 00:17:18,471
Yeah, I was just
about to call you.
408
00:17:18,538 --> 00:17:19,939
Uh, the baby's fine,
nothing to worry about.
409
00:17:20,006 --> 00:17:22,375
Hey, Judy, Judy, Judy!
410
00:17:22,442 --> 00:17:25,278
Uh... yeah,
yeah, that's her.
411
00:17:25,345 --> 00:17:27,780
Uh-huh, blotto.
412
00:17:27,847 --> 00:17:29,249
Uh, no, no.
413
00:17:29,316 --> 00:17:31,518
No, no need to rush home,
everything's under control.
414
00:17:31,584 --> 00:17:34,587
We're in the car, Millie's
sleeping in the back seat
415
00:17:34,654 --> 00:17:36,456
and we're heading for Malibu.
416
00:17:36,523 --> 00:17:39,659
Ehab-ray.
417
00:17:39,726 --> 00:17:42,929
Ehab-ray?
418
00:17:42,995 --> 00:17:47,334
You said you were taking me
for crabcakes at Gladstone's.
419
00:17:47,400 --> 00:17:50,503
Well, I'm sorry, but you
just don't have a choice here.
420
00:17:50,570 --> 00:17:53,005
The hell I don't.
421
00:17:53,072 --> 00:17:55,142
Lenore? Lenore? Lenore!
422
00:17:55,208 --> 00:17:56,409
Red light.
423
00:17:56,476 --> 00:17:58,345
Slow down, slow down, stop!
424
00:17:58,411 --> 00:18:00,380
(brakes screeching)
425
00:18:00,447 --> 00:18:03,049
You're making me really
nervous, you know that?
426
00:18:06,286 --> 00:18:07,787
* Men.
427
00:18:09,322 --> 00:18:10,390
(TV playing)
428
00:18:10,457 --> 00:18:14,261
Hey, you mind getting me
another grape soda?
429
00:18:14,327 --> 00:18:17,764
Yeah, I mind.
Get it yourself.
430
00:18:17,830 --> 00:18:21,434
Fine. I just have to send this
jpeg to Chelsea real fast.
431
00:18:21,501 --> 00:18:22,535
(sighing)
432
00:18:22,602 --> 00:18:24,537
Okay, okay.
433
00:18:24,604 --> 00:18:26,806
Look who finally came home!
434
00:18:26,873 --> 00:18:27,840
Who?
435
00:18:27,907 --> 00:18:30,243
Sir Lancelot.
436
00:18:30,310 --> 00:18:32,745
You've been a bad kitty cat.
437
00:18:32,812 --> 00:18:35,515
I've been so
worried about you.
438
00:18:39,452 --> 00:18:41,488
Okay, I'm confused.
439
00:18:41,554 --> 00:18:45,124
If that's Sir Lancelot,
then what did we squash?
440
00:18:45,192 --> 00:18:48,561
Your hope of ever getting behind
the wheel of my car again.
441
00:18:48,628 --> 00:18:51,598
Oh, man.
442
00:18:54,334 --> 00:18:57,404
Leverage is a fickle bitch,
my friend.
443
00:18:57,470 --> 00:18:59,539
(doorbell ringing)
444
00:18:59,606 --> 00:19:01,040
CHELSEA:
I got it!
445
00:19:05,144 --> 00:19:07,247
Can I help you?
446
00:19:07,314 --> 00:19:09,115
Sorry to bother you.
I live down the beach
447
00:19:09,182 --> 00:19:10,583
and I'm looking for my cat.
448
00:19:10,650 --> 00:19:12,785
Oh, I'm sorry.
I haven't seen it.
449
00:19:12,852 --> 00:19:14,954
In fact, I just found
my little guy.
450
00:19:15,021 --> 00:19:18,191
I'm really worried.
451
00:19:18,258 --> 00:19:20,960
He's black and white,
about yay big.
452
00:19:21,027 --> 00:19:22,495
Answers to Puss-Puss.
453
00:19:22,562 --> 00:19:25,198
CHELSEA: I'll keep
an eye out for him.
454
00:19:25,265 --> 00:19:27,734
Looks like the
fickle bitch is back.
30876
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