Original subtitles

Previously on:

So, how's Charlie doing?

Oh, he's fine.

Uh, actually, he's engaged.

You told her I was engaged?

Why the hell would you do that?!

Charlie, there's a woman named Mia on the phone.

(toilet flushes)

I'll take it.

MIA: Hi, Charlie.

Mia.

* Men.

So, how are you?

Great. How are you?

Fine, fine.

Still engaged.

Come, sit, join us.

Are you sure I'm not interrupting?

No, no, of course not.

Yeah, his fiancée just left.

Oh, I'm sorry I missed her.

Oh, I bet she's still out in the parking lot.

I'll go get her.

So...

what's going on with you these days? You still dancing?

Not so much. I'm a little old for ballet now.

Oh, that can't be right.

You look great.

Young and vibrant and... taut.

You know who else has a great body?

Charlie's fiancée.

In fact,

Charlie calls her boobalicious.

I'm really happy you found somebody, Charlie.

Thank you. She's great.

Really, really great.

Boobalicious.

So if you're not dancing, what are you up to?

Well, believe it or not, I'm trying for a singing career.

No kidding. That's terrific.

You know who's a wonderful singer?

Charlie's fiancée?

Uh, actually, I was gonna say Ms. Celine Dion.

I have no idea about Chelsea.

Although she does have a set of lungs on her.

Right.

So listen, I'm putting together a demo of some songs.

Any chance you could help me with the arrangements,

maybe play piano?

Oh, wow.

That sounds like fun.

It's just, you know, kind of awkward 'cause, you know...

He's getting married.

Maybe I can find you somebody else.

That'd be terrific. Let me give you my number.

Are you still at 696-336-725?

Yeah, I can't believe you remember it.

Well, I have a little memory trick.

If you change the numbers to letters,

it spells out "oxofempal."

Oh, good trick.

I should get going.

Wonderful to see you again.

Same here.

You too, Alan.

Bye-bye.

Charlie?

Yeah?

I've missed you.

Oxofempal?

Hot, hot, hot! Ow!

You have to dial one first.

Captioning sponsored by CBS

WARNER BROS. TELEVISION

and VOLKSWAGEN. It's what the people want.

* Men...

Hey, Berta, what do you know about Percocet?

I know three of them with a Mickey's big mouth

can make you run buck naked through a Taco Bell.

Why do you ask?

Well, my mom says Grandma Lenore can't hold the new baby

until she stops popping them.

That's probably a good idea.

You drop one kid, you gain a reputation as a kid dropper.

So how do you like having a new baby sister?

Well, she eats, she sleeps, she poops.

So far I'm not impressed.

Give her a bad haircut and she'd be you.

Excuse me, but I paid nine bucks for this haircut.

Sorry.

Besides, the baby doesn't look anything like me.

In fact, she doesn't look like my mom or my stepdad either.

Who does she look like?

Kind of like a girl version of my dad.

I thought your dad was the girl version of your dad.

I'm telling you, Charlie, it's a bad idea.

What's the big deal?

I'm just gonna find her a piano player.

Oh, come on, I saw the way you looked at her.

You say "piano player," but you mean organist.

Oh, that's ridiculous.

I'm engaged to Chelsea.

I'm living with Chelsea.

I'm in love with Chelsea.

What's Chelsea's phone number?

What?

What does it spell?

You know, your little memory trick.

Oh, uh...

it's... jklpuzo.

Really?

Let's, uh, let's test it out.

Uh, is that, uh, 818-jklpuzo

or, uh, 310-jklpuzo?

All right, all right, I-I made it up.

But I don't have to call Chelsea; she lives here.

You don't have to call Mia either.

Oh, yeah?

Well, what about you and Melissa?

What does that have to do with anything? Nothing!

I'm changing the subject to your peccadilloes.

You were banging Melissa in the hospital storage closet

while your ex-wife was giving birth to your daughter!

We don't know she's my daughter.

Who's your daughter?

You're my daughter, I'm your daughter!

This whole court is out of daughter!

Al Pacino?

Great movie.

Hoo-ah!

See that one?

That was close.

Good thing he's slow.

Yeah, well, Judith's mom dropped him when he was a baby.

* Men.

(both panting)

Wow.

Yeah.

What brought that on?

You're the one who started talking dirty.

All I said is, "What'd you do today?"

There you go again, you nasty girl.

Okay, seriously, what did you do today?

Nothing.

Just a regular day.

Had coffee with you, hung out with Alan a little bit,

then came home, had a drink, took a nap,

next thing I know you're walking in

the front door with your whore talk.

All right, whatever.

Oh, yeah, there was one other thing.

Really?

Yeah, I ran into an old buddy.

What's her name?

Her?

Why do you assume it's a her?

When you've seen one of your old guy friends,

you don't try to hump me into a coma.

Fair point.

It was Mia.

Mia, the old buddy you almost married?

Yeah.

And?

And nothing.

Well, she did ask me if

I'd help her out with this music thing she's doing.

But I said no. How come?

I thought it'd be inappropriate.

Why? You still have feelings for her?

(chuckles)

No, no, of course not.

Then why wouldn't you help her out?

What?

I mean, if she's just a friend,

then why would it be inappropriate?

Okay.

Uh, no reason.

So you're saying I should help her out?

Unless you still have feelings for her.

I guess I'll help her.

Good.

Good.

Or bad.

Probably bad.

I'm gonna go with bad.

* Men.

Hi, Charlie!

We were just having a little

moonlight skinny dip in the ocean.

Good thinking.

Nothing more romantic than seaweed

hanging from a cold, shriveled penis.

There's no seaweed--

Oh, my...

Don't put it on the table!

Sorry.

Alan, what do you say we take a hot shower

and un-shrink the Snuffleupagus? (chuckles)

He'll be fine.

It's Bert and Ernie I'm worried about.

I think Bert has ascended to my rib cage.

You go ahead. I'll be right there.

Okey-doke. Okay.

Hey, uh, can I ask you something?

I am not gonna help you find your missing testicle.

No, no, it's about Melissa.

What about her?

Well, now that we're seeing each other again,

the fact that she still lives with her mom

presents kind of a problem.

Why?

'Cause you tickled mom's Elmo?

It was just light necking.

I never touched her Elmo.

Anyway,

since you set the precedent

of having girlfriends move in here,

uh, I was wondering if maybe...

No.

Why not?

You let Chelsea move in.

It's my house.

You are a guest.

And by "guest," I mean leech I tolerate until our mother dies

and she can't lay a guilt trip on me

for kicking your ass to the curb.

You're gonna kick me out when Mom dies?

You're planning on being here until Mom dies?

Okay, okay, we're getting off subject.

What about Jake? You let Jake move in.

You're not helping your case here, Alan.

But I'm just saying...

I said no!

Hmm. Hey, Bert, welcome back.

* Men.

(playing "You'll Never Find")

* You'll never find *

* As long as you live *

* Someone who loves you *

* Tender like I do

* You'll never find *

* No matter where you search *

(voice cracks): * Someone who cares about you *

* The way I do

* Whoa, I'm not bragging on myself, baby *

* 'Cause I'm the one who loves you *

(off-key): * And there's no one else *

* No... one else.

That's a pretty mouth, but it ain't made for singing.

What's it made for?

Eating.

Oh.

I thought maybe she meant oral sex.

(off-key): * You're gonna miss my lovin' *

* You're gonna miss, miss, miss my love. *

(piano stops)

So?

Wow.

You want to run it again? I don't.

I mean, there's a danger of over-rehearsing it.

Yeah. Plus I kind of nailed it, right?

I don't see it getting any better.

That is so sweet, Charlie.

Thank you.

I don't know how I'd do this without you.

Hey, I don't deserve any credit.

God gave you that voice.

I had nothing to do with it.

Oh, hello.

Oh, hey, hi!

There she is!

Chelsea, this is Mia. Mia, this is Chelsea.

Hi. Hi!

We were just rehearsing.

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt.

What? No-no, no, there's nothing to interrupt.

She's singing, I'm playing piano,

Alan, Berta and Jake are right there in the kitchen.

Guys, Chelsea's home.

ALL (flatly): Yay.

I should get going. Good.

I mean, you don't have to, but good.

Rehearsal was good.

You've got yourself a terrific guy here.

I know. Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you, too.

I'll see you Saturday at the studio?

You bet.

* You'll never find... *

No, no, save your voice.

Yikes.

So, how'd it go?

Well, uh, how can I put this?

She's the picture you stick on the cover

of an album by a fat girl who can actually sing.

That's not what I mean.

Were there any, you know, sparks?

No, no sparks.

Why would there be sparks?

I'm with you. We're engaged.

We're gonna be married.

You and me, that's the sparks...

baby.

Relax, Charlie, I trust you.

Okay, lady, you're really starting to piss me off.

* Men.

No problem, Charlie, as long as you're willing

to pay my weekend rates.

You've got weekend rates?

Yep, and you probably don't want to waste time haggling.

Now, what's the big emergency?

Well, you might not think it's a big emergency,

but trust me, it is.

Okay.

I'm really constipated.

You do realize which end of the body I specialize in?

I know, I know, I'm not here for an enema.

Good, because that couch isn't Scotchguarded.

I'm thinking it's psychosomatic 'cause I've tried coffee,

fiber, laxatives and something my housekeeper said was

a suppository, but I now suspect was a practical joke.

All right, so psychosomatic constipation.

Good name for rock band, huh?

Weekend rates, Charlie.

Tell me what's going on in your life.

How are things with you and your fiancé?

Great, great! She lives with me now.

We're planning the wedding. Couldn't be better.

Good. And how's work?

Well, it's been pretty slow,

but thankfully, the house is paid off,

my pension is funded, and I've given up prostitutes.

So, really, all I need is drinking money,

and what's that, a couple grand a month?

That sounds about right.

Hey, do you remember Mia?

Your ex-fiancé the dancer.

Wow, you remember.

I'm not sitting here sketching ponies, Charlie.

Anyway, I ran into her.

Really? And how'd that go?

Fine, fine. She looks great,

she's single again, told me she missed me.

Uh-huh.

I always dig that.

Then she asked me if I could help her out

with this music project, and I said no.

But then Chelsea said

if I didn't still have feelings for her, why not do it?

So I did it.

Interesting.

When did all this happen?

Three of four days ago.

And how long have you been constipated?

I don't know. Three, four days.

Hey, you think there's a connection?

I'm leaning that way.

Look, Charlie,

you obviously still have feelings for Mia,

and yet you're committed to Chelsea.

It's an emotional conflict,

and until you resolve that conflict,

you're going to be physically blocked.

English, please?

As soon as you pick one, you can go two.

What happens if I can't pick?

I don't know. C-section?

* Men.

Anyway, she said I have to resolve the conflict

because my emotions are strongly connected

to my lower intestine.

That makes a certain amount of sense.

You think with your penis, and your head's up your ass.

(gasps) The baby just came!

Baby?

Well, it's not technically a baby,

but we know it's gonna look like you.

Hey, Charlie

Hey.

What's she still doing here?

Not still. She went away, she came back.

She's not moving in, Alan.

Of course not. You said no, it's no.

We're out of milk, sweetie.

I'm gonna run to the market.

Okay.

She likes milk.

So how are you gonna resolve your conflict?

I'm not sure.

I may have to sleep with Mia.

What?!

Okay, here's the deal.

(groans)

If I back out of the recording session with Mia,

Chelsea will think I still have feelings for her.

All right.

However, if I spend

any more time with Mia without sleeping with her,

I'm gonna split open like a roasted pistachio.

Nobody wants that!

Charlie, cheating on Chelsea makes

absolutely no sense whatsoever.

That's what I thought,

but my shrink was pretty adamant.

Just promise if anything happens to me,

you'll raise it as your own.

* Men.

(funky R&B playing)

(off-key): * Down in Louisiana

* Where the alligators grow so mean *

* Lived a girl that I swear to the world *

* Made the alligators look tame *

* Poke salad Annie

I know, I know it's hard to believe

I'm not banging her.

Then why are we here?

She's an old friend. I'm helping her out.

You really want to help her out?

Sneak up behind her with a big rock.

(groaning)

Detox?

No, constipated.

'Cause you're detoxing?

Can we just do this?

Fine.

(volume increases)

* 'Cause your mama was working on the chain gang *

* Poke

* Salad.

(song ends)

(sighs) That one felt really good.

Okay, help me understand something.

You're hoping to bang her, right?

Can I hear a little?

Sure. Play it back.

* Down in Louisiana

That's me?

That's you.

* Where the alligators grow so mean *

Wow. I had no idea I was so good.

Oh, Charlie, I'm so happy!

Oh, well, if you're happy, I'm happy.

Why did I ever let you go?

If I recall, you had a list of reasons.

Well, I was wrong.

How can I make it up to you?

Um, how do you want to make it up to me?

Wow.

There it is.

Let's do this last track, and then we can go back to my place.

(door closes)

Maybe we can sweeten her vocals with some reverb,

a little echo, lay a little guitar over it?

We can lay car horns and barking dogs over it.

It won't help.

I'm ready.

Just relax and feel the groove, okay?

I got it.

Okay, this is "Boogie-woogie Bugle Boy."

Take one.

(trumpets play intro)

(off-key): * He was a famous trumpet man *

* From out Chicago way

* He had a boogie style that no one else could play, whoo! *

* He was the top man at his craft *

* And then his number came up, and he was going to the draft *

* He's in the army now, blowing reveille *

* He's the boogie-woogie bugle boy of Company B *

Okay, Mia, hold it,

hold it a sec.

Is something wrong?

Yeah, kind of. You can't sing.

What?

You got no talent.

I'm sorry, but we're both wasting our time here.

I love Chelsea.

I'm gonna marry her, and I can't see you anymore.

Are you kidding?

You can't just walk out on me! You...

Where's the bathroom?

Down the hall.

Thanks.

No,thank you.

I should have known this would happen,

you lowlife son of a bitch!

Uh, the lowlife son of a bitch is gone,

but I think you have a real gift,

and we should work together.

Oh, you gotta be kidding me.

You might want to give it a minute.

You were in there with your guitar?

You never know when inspiration might strike.

That's called "Two Burritos and a Root Beer Float."

* Men.

* Men.

Hey, how's the intestines?

Clean as a whistle.

It's the city's problem now.

(laughs)

Yeah, ha-ha, very funny.

What was in that so-called suppository you gave me, anyway?

Half a tab of Alka-Seltzer crushed up in a gel cap.

Oh. Well, that explains the foam.

Well, I'm off to work.

Oh, have a good day, sweetie.

I'll be home around 6:30. Okay.

Alan?

She's not living here.

Just checking.

And he calls me stupid.