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1
00:00:01,135 --> 00:00:02,970
Previously on:
2
00:00:03,037 --> 00:00:04,272
So, how's Charlie doing?
3
00:00:04,338 --> 00:00:05,339
Oh, he's fine.
4
00:00:05,406 --> 00:00:06,574
Uh, actually, he's engaged.
5
00:00:06,640 --> 00:00:08,008
You told her I was engaged?
6
00:00:08,076 --> 00:00:09,443
Why the hell would you do that?!
7
00:00:09,510 --> 00:00:11,979
Charlie, there's a woman
named Mia on the phone.
8
00:00:12,046 --> 00:00:13,114
(toilet flushes)
9
00:00:13,181 --> 00:00:15,015
I'll take it.
10
00:00:15,083 --> 00:00:17,017
MIA:
Hi, Charlie.
11
00:00:19,087 --> 00:00:20,921
Mia.
12
00:00:20,988 --> 00:00:22,090
* Men.
13
00:00:24,592 --> 00:00:26,594
So, how are you?
14
00:00:26,660 --> 00:00:28,329
Great. How are you?
15
00:00:28,396 --> 00:00:29,830
Fine, fine.
16
00:00:29,897 --> 00:00:31,365
Still engaged.
17
00:00:33,501 --> 00:00:35,303
Come, sit, join us.
18
00:00:35,369 --> 00:00:36,904
Are you sure
I'm not interrupting?
19
00:00:36,970 --> 00:00:38,706
No, no, of
course not.
20
00:00:38,772 --> 00:00:40,308
Yeah, his fiancée just left.
21
00:00:41,775 --> 00:00:43,244
Oh, I'm sorry I missed her.
22
00:00:43,311 --> 00:00:44,345
Oh, I bet she's still out
in the parking lot.
23
00:00:44,412 --> 00:00:45,279
I'll go get her.
24
00:00:45,346 --> 00:00:47,481
So...
25
00:00:47,548 --> 00:00:49,317
what's going on with you
these days? You still dancing?
26
00:00:49,383 --> 00:00:51,619
Not so much.
I'm a little old for ballet now.
27
00:00:51,685 --> 00:00:53,154
Oh, that can't be right.
28
00:00:53,221 --> 00:00:54,322
You look great.
29
00:00:54,388 --> 00:00:58,025
Young and vibrant and... taut.
30
00:00:59,293 --> 00:01:00,828
You know who else
has a great body?
31
00:01:00,894 --> 00:01:02,029
Charlie's fiancée.
32
00:01:02,096 --> 00:01:02,963
In fact,
33
00:01:03,030 --> 00:01:05,065
Charlie calls her boobalicious.
34
00:01:06,467 --> 00:01:08,469
I'm really happy
you found somebody, Charlie.
35
00:01:08,536 --> 00:01:09,970
Thank you. She's great.
36
00:01:10,037 --> 00:01:10,971
Really, really great.
37
00:01:11,038 --> 00:01:12,506
Boobalicious.
38
00:01:14,708 --> 00:01:16,910
So if you're not dancing,
what are you up to?
39
00:01:16,977 --> 00:01:19,413
Well, believe it or not,
I'm trying for a singing career.
40
00:01:19,480 --> 00:01:21,282
No kidding. That's terrific.
41
00:01:21,349 --> 00:01:23,151
You know
who's a wonderful singer?
42
00:01:23,217 --> 00:01:24,618
Charlie's fiancée?
43
00:01:24,685 --> 00:01:27,721
Uh, actually, I was gonna
say Ms. Celine Dion.
44
00:01:27,788 --> 00:01:30,991
I have no idea
about Chelsea.
45
00:01:31,058 --> 00:01:33,327
Although she does have
a set of lungs on her.
46
00:01:33,394 --> 00:01:35,963
Right.
47
00:01:36,029 --> 00:01:38,466
So listen, I'm putting together
a demo of some songs.
48
00:01:38,532 --> 00:01:40,701
Any chance you could
help me with the arrangements,
49
00:01:40,768 --> 00:01:41,702
maybe play piano?
50
00:01:41,769 --> 00:01:43,804
Oh, wow.
51
00:01:43,871 --> 00:01:45,506
That sounds like fun.
52
00:01:45,573 --> 00:01:49,977
It's just, you know, kind of
awkward 'cause, you know...
53
00:01:50,043 --> 00:01:51,512
He's getting married.
54
00:01:53,347 --> 00:01:55,449
Maybe I can find you
somebody else.
55
00:01:55,516 --> 00:01:57,651
That'd be terrific.
Let me give you my number.
56
00:01:57,718 --> 00:02:00,020
Are you still at
696-336-725?
57
00:02:00,087 --> 00:02:02,190
Yeah, I can't believe
you remember it.
58
00:02:02,256 --> 00:02:04,292
Well, I have a little
memory trick.
59
00:02:04,358 --> 00:02:05,959
If you change
the numbers to letters,
60
00:02:06,026 --> 00:02:08,095
it spells out "oxofempal."
61
00:02:08,896 --> 00:02:10,464
Oh, good trick.
62
00:02:11,865 --> 00:02:13,601
I should get going.
63
00:02:13,667 --> 00:02:14,835
Wonderful to see you again.
64
00:02:14,902 --> 00:02:16,069
Same here.
65
00:02:16,136 --> 00:02:16,937
You too, Alan.
66
00:02:17,004 --> 00:02:17,838
Bye-bye.
67
00:02:20,974 --> 00:02:21,909
Charlie?
68
00:02:21,975 --> 00:02:23,076
Yeah?
69
00:02:23,143 --> 00:02:24,978
I've missed you.
70
00:02:34,888 --> 00:02:36,990
Oxofempal?
71
00:02:41,061 --> 00:02:42,996
Hot, hot, hot! Ow!
72
00:02:46,600 --> 00:02:49,136
You have to dial one first.
73
00:02:49,203 --> 00:02:51,439
Captioning sponsored by
CBS
74
00:02:51,505 --> 00:02:53,707
WARNER BROS. TELEVISION
75
00:02:53,774 --> 00:02:56,544
and VOLKSWAGEN.
It's what the people want.
76
00:02:57,711 --> 00:02:59,380
* Men...
77
00:03:00,514 --> 00:03:04,285
Hey, Berta, what do you
know about Percocet?
78
00:03:04,352 --> 00:03:06,520
I know three of them
with a Mickey's big mouth
79
00:03:06,587 --> 00:03:10,391
can make you run buck naked
through a Taco Bell.
80
00:03:10,458 --> 00:03:11,725
Why do you ask?
81
00:03:11,792 --> 00:03:14,528
Well, my mom says Grandma Lenore
can't hold the new baby
82
00:03:14,595 --> 00:03:16,096
until she stops popping them.
83
00:03:16,163 --> 00:03:18,165
That's probably a good idea.
84
00:03:18,232 --> 00:03:21,469
You drop one kid, you gain
a reputation as a kid dropper.
85
00:03:21,535 --> 00:03:24,505
So how do you like having
a new baby sister?
86
00:03:24,572 --> 00:03:26,607
Well, she eats,
she sleeps, she poops.
87
00:03:26,674 --> 00:03:29,343
So far I'm not impressed.
88
00:03:29,410 --> 00:03:33,614
Give her a bad haircut
and she'd be you.
89
00:03:33,681 --> 00:03:37,318
Excuse me, but I paid
nine bucks for this haircut.
90
00:03:37,385 --> 00:03:38,819
Sorry.
91
00:03:38,886 --> 00:03:42,356
Besides, the baby doesn't look
anything like me.
92
00:03:42,423 --> 00:03:45,092
In fact, she doesn't look like
my mom or my stepdad either.
93
00:03:45,158 --> 00:03:47,027
Who does she look like?
94
00:03:47,094 --> 00:03:50,864
Kind of like
a girl version of my dad.
95
00:03:50,931 --> 00:03:55,269
I thought your dad was the
girl version of your dad.
96
00:03:57,204 --> 00:03:59,673
I'm telling you, Charlie,
it's a bad idea.
97
00:03:59,740 --> 00:04:00,908
What's the big deal?
98
00:04:00,974 --> 00:04:02,610
I'm just gonna
find her a piano player.
99
00:04:02,676 --> 00:04:04,745
Oh, come on, I saw
the way you looked at her.
100
00:04:04,812 --> 00:04:06,980
You say "piano player,"
but you mean organist.
101
00:04:07,047 --> 00:04:09,617
Oh, that's ridiculous.
102
00:04:09,683 --> 00:04:10,618
I'm engaged to Chelsea.
103
00:04:10,684 --> 00:04:11,419
I'm living with Chelsea.
104
00:04:11,485 --> 00:04:12,620
I'm in love with Chelsea.
105
00:04:12,686 --> 00:04:13,921
What's Chelsea's phone number?
106
00:04:13,987 --> 00:04:15,289
What?
107
00:04:15,356 --> 00:04:16,557
What does it spell?
108
00:04:16,624 --> 00:04:18,091
You know,
your little memory trick.
109
00:04:18,158 --> 00:04:20,594
Oh, uh...
110
00:04:20,661 --> 00:04:23,964
it's... jklpuzo.
111
00:04:24,031 --> 00:04:25,299
Really?
112
00:04:25,366 --> 00:04:27,335
Let's, uh, let's
test it out.
113
00:04:27,401 --> 00:04:31,171
Uh, is that,
uh, 818-jklpuzo
114
00:04:31,238 --> 00:04:34,408
or, uh, 310-jklpuzo?
115
00:04:34,475 --> 00:04:35,909
All right, all right,
I-I made it up.
116
00:04:35,976 --> 00:04:38,211
But I don't have to call
Chelsea; she lives here.
117
00:04:38,278 --> 00:04:40,047
You don't have to
call Mia either.
118
00:04:40,113 --> 00:04:41,248
Oh, yeah?
119
00:04:41,315 --> 00:04:42,650
Well, what about
you and Melissa?
120
00:04:42,716 --> 00:04:43,817
What does that have
to do with anything?
Nothing!
121
00:04:43,884 --> 00:04:45,786
I'm changing the subject
to your peccadilloes.
122
00:04:47,321 --> 00:04:49,490
You were banging Melissa
in the hospital storage closet
123
00:04:49,557 --> 00:04:51,625
while your ex-wife was
giving birth to your daughter!
124
00:04:51,692 --> 00:04:53,494
We don't know
she's my daughter.
125
00:04:53,561 --> 00:04:55,696
Who's your
daughter?
126
00:04:58,799 --> 00:05:01,835
You're my daughter,
I'm your daughter!
127
00:05:01,902 --> 00:05:05,305
This whole court
is out of daughter!
128
00:05:06,374 --> 00:05:08,409
Al Pacino?
129
00:05:09,309 --> 00:05:10,578
Great movie.
130
00:05:11,445 --> 00:05:13,514
Hoo-ah!
131
00:05:14,548 --> 00:05:16,016
See that one?
132
00:05:19,319 --> 00:05:20,654
That was close.
133
00:05:20,721 --> 00:05:22,289
Good thing he's slow.
134
00:05:22,356 --> 00:05:25,959
Yeah, well, Judith's mom
dropped him when he was a baby.
135
00:05:27,895 --> 00:05:29,397
* Men.
136
00:05:29,463 --> 00:05:32,800
(both panting)
137
00:05:32,866 --> 00:05:35,536
Wow.
138
00:05:35,603 --> 00:05:38,572
Yeah.
139
00:05:38,639 --> 00:05:41,709
What brought that on?
140
00:05:41,775 --> 00:05:45,913
You're the one who
started talking dirty.
141
00:05:45,979 --> 00:05:48,081
All I said is,
"What'd you do today?"
142
00:05:48,148 --> 00:05:51,385
There you go again,
you nasty girl.
143
00:05:51,452 --> 00:05:55,355
Okay, seriously,
what did you do today?
144
00:05:57,391 --> 00:05:58,459
Nothing.
145
00:05:58,526 --> 00:06:00,561
Just a regular day.
146
00:06:00,628 --> 00:06:03,397
Had coffee with you, hung
out with Alan a little bit,
147
00:06:03,464 --> 00:06:06,333
then came home, had a drink,
took a nap,
148
00:06:06,400 --> 00:06:07,901
next thing I know
you're walking in
149
00:06:07,968 --> 00:06:09,437
the front door with
your whore talk.
150
00:06:10,571 --> 00:06:12,840
All right, whatever.
151
00:06:12,906 --> 00:06:15,543
Oh, yeah, there was
one other thing.
152
00:06:15,609 --> 00:06:16,944
Really?
153
00:06:17,010 --> 00:06:18,912
Yeah, I ran into an old buddy.
154
00:06:18,979 --> 00:06:20,113
What's her name?
155
00:06:20,180 --> 00:06:21,014
Her?
156
00:06:21,081 --> 00:06:23,784
Why do you assume it's a her?
157
00:06:23,851 --> 00:06:25,018
When you've seen
one of your old guy friends,
158
00:06:25,085 --> 00:06:28,088
you don't try
to hump me into a coma.
159
00:06:28,155 --> 00:06:30,591
Fair point.
160
00:06:30,658 --> 00:06:32,826
It was Mia.
161
00:06:32,893 --> 00:06:35,563
Mia, the old buddy
you almost married?
162
00:06:35,629 --> 00:06:37,230
Yeah.
163
00:06:39,299 --> 00:06:40,534
And?
164
00:06:40,601 --> 00:06:42,202
And nothing.
165
00:06:43,103 --> 00:06:44,505
Well, she did ask me if
166
00:06:44,572 --> 00:06:46,373
I'd help her out with
this music thing she's doing.
167
00:06:46,440 --> 00:06:48,241
But I said no.
How come?
168
00:06:48,308 --> 00:06:50,678
I thought it'd be inappropriate.
169
00:06:50,744 --> 00:06:52,613
Why? You still have
feelings for her?
170
00:06:52,680 --> 00:06:53,481
(chuckles)
171
00:06:53,547 --> 00:06:55,282
No, no, of course not.
172
00:06:55,348 --> 00:06:56,784
Then why wouldn't
you help her out?
173
00:06:56,850 --> 00:06:58,686
What?
174
00:06:58,752 --> 00:07:00,688
I mean, if she's just a friend,
175
00:07:00,754 --> 00:07:02,490
then why would it
be inappropriate?
176
00:07:05,392 --> 00:07:06,560
Okay.
177
00:07:08,128 --> 00:07:10,898
Uh, no reason.
178
00:07:10,964 --> 00:07:13,601
So you're saying
I should help her out?
179
00:07:13,667 --> 00:07:15,368
Unless you still have
feelings for her.
180
00:07:15,435 --> 00:07:17,971
I guess I'll help her.
181
00:07:18,038 --> 00:07:19,106
Good.
182
00:07:19,172 --> 00:07:21,341
Good.
183
00:07:23,977 --> 00:07:25,913
Or bad.
184
00:07:28,215 --> 00:07:31,519
Probably bad.
185
00:07:31,585 --> 00:07:34,121
I'm gonna go with bad.
186
00:07:34,187 --> 00:07:36,089
* Men.
187
00:07:38,458 --> 00:07:39,893
Hi, Charlie!
188
00:07:39,960 --> 00:07:41,228
We were just having a little
189
00:07:41,294 --> 00:07:43,063
moonlight skinny dip
in the ocean.
190
00:07:43,130 --> 00:07:44,364
Good thinking.
191
00:07:44,431 --> 00:07:46,133
Nothing more romantic
than seaweed
192
00:07:46,199 --> 00:07:48,135
hanging from a cold,
shriveled penis.
193
00:07:48,201 --> 00:07:50,538
There's no seaweed--
194
00:07:50,604 --> 00:07:52,540
Oh, my...
195
00:07:55,242 --> 00:07:56,877
Don't put it on the table!
196
00:07:56,944 --> 00:07:59,012
Sorry.
197
00:07:59,079 --> 00:08:01,749
Alan, what do you say
we take a hot shower
198
00:08:01,815 --> 00:08:04,685
and un-shrink the
Snuffleupagus?
(chuckles)
199
00:08:04,752 --> 00:08:06,153
He'll be fine.
200
00:08:06,219 --> 00:08:08,255
It's Bert and Ernie
I'm worried about.
201
00:08:08,321 --> 00:08:10,357
I think Bert has ascended
to my rib cage.
202
00:08:10,423 --> 00:08:12,092
You go ahead.
I'll be right there.
203
00:08:12,159 --> 00:08:13,426
Okey-doke.
Okay.
204
00:08:16,263 --> 00:08:18,431
Hey, uh, can I
ask you something?
205
00:08:18,498 --> 00:08:21,201
I am not gonna help you
find your missing testicle.
206
00:08:21,268 --> 00:08:23,103
No, no, it's about Melissa.
207
00:08:23,170 --> 00:08:24,504
What about her?
208
00:08:24,572 --> 00:08:26,707
Well, now that we're
seeing each other again,
209
00:08:26,774 --> 00:08:27,908
the fact that she still
lives with her mom
210
00:08:27,975 --> 00:08:28,942
presents kind of a problem.
211
00:08:29,009 --> 00:08:30,010
Why?
212
00:08:30,077 --> 00:08:32,980
'Cause you tickled mom's Elmo?
213
00:08:33,046 --> 00:08:35,148
It was just light necking.
214
00:08:35,215 --> 00:08:37,017
I never touched her Elmo.
215
00:08:37,084 --> 00:08:38,385
Anyway,
216
00:08:38,451 --> 00:08:39,720
since you set the precedent
217
00:08:39,787 --> 00:08:41,254
of having girlfriends
move in here,
218
00:08:41,321 --> 00:08:41,655
uh, I was wondering
if maybe...
219
00:08:41,722 --> 00:08:42,756
No.
220
00:08:42,823 --> 00:08:45,058
Why not?
221
00:08:45,125 --> 00:08:46,326
You let Chelsea move in.
222
00:08:46,393 --> 00:08:47,995
It's my house.
223
00:08:48,061 --> 00:08:49,663
You are a guest.
224
00:08:49,730 --> 00:08:52,966
And by "guest," I mean leech I
tolerate until our mother dies
225
00:08:53,033 --> 00:08:54,968
and she can't lay
a guilt trip on me
226
00:08:55,035 --> 00:08:56,670
for kicking your
ass to the curb.
227
00:08:56,737 --> 00:08:58,271
You're gonna kick me out
when Mom dies?
228
00:08:58,338 --> 00:09:00,774
You're planning on being
here until Mom dies?
229
00:09:00,841 --> 00:09:02,943
Okay, okay,
we're getting off subject.
230
00:09:03,010 --> 00:09:04,912
What about Jake?
You let Jake move in.
231
00:09:04,978 --> 00:09:06,179
You're not helping
your case here, Alan.
232
00:09:06,246 --> 00:09:06,880
But I'm just saying...
233
00:09:06,947 --> 00:09:08,081
I said no!
234
00:09:12,953 --> 00:09:15,022
Hmm. Hey, Bert, welcome back.
235
00:09:16,890 --> 00:09:19,226
* Men.
236
00:09:19,292 --> 00:09:21,428
(playing "You'll Never Find")
237
00:09:27,434 --> 00:09:31,171
* You'll never find *
238
00:09:31,238 --> 00:09:35,075
* As long as
you live *
239
00:09:35,142 --> 00:09:37,444
* Someone who
loves you *
240
00:09:37,510 --> 00:09:41,715
* Tender like I do
241
00:09:44,084 --> 00:09:47,688
* You'll never find *
242
00:09:47,755 --> 00:09:51,625
* No matter where
you search *
243
00:09:51,692 --> 00:09:53,861
(voice cracks):
* Someone who
cares about you *
244
00:09:53,927 --> 00:09:58,431
* The way I do
245
00:10:00,133 --> 00:10:03,971
* Whoa, I'm not bragging
on myself, baby *
246
00:10:04,037 --> 00:10:05,873
* 'Cause I'm the one
who loves you *
247
00:10:05,939 --> 00:10:08,008
(off-key):
* And there's
no one else *
248
00:10:08,075 --> 00:10:12,646
* No... one else.
249
00:10:17,818 --> 00:10:20,587
That's a pretty mouth, but
it ain't made for singing.
250
00:10:20,654 --> 00:10:21,789
What's it made for?
251
00:10:21,855 --> 00:10:23,590
Eating.
252
00:10:23,657 --> 00:10:24,792
Oh.
253
00:10:24,858 --> 00:10:26,860
I thought maybe
she meant oral sex.
254
00:10:28,896 --> 00:10:30,998
(off-key):
* You're gonna
miss my lovin' *
255
00:10:31,064 --> 00:10:36,804
* You're gonna miss,
miss, miss my love. *
256
00:10:36,870 --> 00:10:37,938
(piano stops)
257
00:10:38,005 --> 00:10:40,741
So?
258
00:10:40,808 --> 00:10:43,310
Wow.
259
00:10:43,376 --> 00:10:45,412
You want to run it again?
I don't.
260
00:10:47,080 --> 00:10:49,783
I mean, there's a danger
of over-rehearsing it.
261
00:10:49,850 --> 00:10:51,651
Yeah. Plus I kind of
nailed it, right?
262
00:10:51,719 --> 00:10:54,654
I don't see it
getting any better.
263
00:10:54,722 --> 00:10:56,924
That is so sweet, Charlie.
264
00:10:56,990 --> 00:10:58,058
Thank you.
265
00:10:58,125 --> 00:11:00,560
I don't know how
I'd do this without you.
266
00:11:00,627 --> 00:11:02,195
Hey, I don't deserve
any credit.
267
00:11:02,262 --> 00:11:03,496
God gave you
that voice.
268
00:11:03,563 --> 00:11:05,899
I had nothing
to do with it.
269
00:11:06,934 --> 00:11:07,868
Oh, hello.
270
00:11:07,935 --> 00:11:09,536
Oh, hey, hi!
271
00:11:10,303 --> 00:11:11,638
There she is!
272
00:11:11,705 --> 00:11:14,007
Chelsea, this is Mia.
Mia, this is Chelsea.
273
00:11:14,074 --> 00:11:15,075
Hi.
Hi!
274
00:11:15,142 --> 00:11:16,409
We were just rehearsing.
275
00:11:16,476 --> 00:11:18,411
Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to interrupt.
276
00:11:18,478 --> 00:11:20,948
What? No-no, no,
there's nothing to interrupt.
277
00:11:21,014 --> 00:11:22,415
She's singing,
I'm playing piano,
278
00:11:22,482 --> 00:11:24,885
Alan, Berta and Jake
are right there in the kitchen.
279
00:11:24,952 --> 00:11:25,819
Guys, Chelsea's home.
280
00:11:25,886 --> 00:11:27,387
ALL (flatly):
Yay.
281
00:11:28,722 --> 00:11:30,357
I should get going.
Good.
282
00:11:30,423 --> 00:11:33,093
I mean, you don't
have to, but good.
283
00:11:33,160 --> 00:11:35,162
Rehearsal was good.
284
00:11:35,228 --> 00:11:37,364
You've got yourself
a terrific guy here.
285
00:11:37,430 --> 00:11:38,398
I know. Nice to meet you.
286
00:11:38,465 --> 00:11:39,733
Nice to meet you, too.
287
00:11:39,800 --> 00:11:40,400
I'll see you Saturday
at the studio?
288
00:11:40,467 --> 00:11:41,969
You bet.
289
00:11:42,035 --> 00:11:43,070
* You'll never find... *
290
00:11:43,136 --> 00:11:45,105
No, no, save your voice.
291
00:11:48,541 --> 00:11:51,044
Yikes.
292
00:11:51,111 --> 00:11:52,312
So, how'd it go?
293
00:11:52,379 --> 00:11:55,582
Well, uh, how
can I put this?
294
00:11:55,648 --> 00:11:57,885
She's the picture
you stick on the cover
295
00:11:57,951 --> 00:12:00,788
of an album by a fat girl
who can actually sing.
296
00:12:00,854 --> 00:12:02,089
That's not what
I mean.
297
00:12:02,155 --> 00:12:05,558
Were there any,
you know, sparks?
298
00:12:05,625 --> 00:12:08,061
No, no sparks.
299
00:12:08,128 --> 00:12:09,462
Why would there be sparks?
300
00:12:09,529 --> 00:12:11,664
I'm with you.
We're engaged.
301
00:12:11,731 --> 00:12:12,833
We're gonna be married.
302
00:12:12,900 --> 00:12:15,402
You and me,
that's the sparks...
303
00:12:15,468 --> 00:12:17,237
baby.
304
00:12:18,471 --> 00:12:21,909
Relax, Charlie,
I trust you.
305
00:12:26,146 --> 00:12:29,182
Okay, lady, you're really
starting to piss me off.
306
00:12:29,249 --> 00:12:31,018
* Men.
307
00:12:35,222 --> 00:12:37,757
No problem, Charlie,
as long as you're willing
308
00:12:37,825 --> 00:12:40,393
to pay my weekend rates.
309
00:12:40,460 --> 00:12:41,929
You've got weekend rates?
310
00:12:41,995 --> 00:12:44,197
Yep, and you probably don't want
to waste time haggling.
311
00:12:46,133 --> 00:12:48,568
Now, what's the big emergency?
312
00:12:48,635 --> 00:12:50,437
Well, you might not think
it's a big emergency,
313
00:12:50,503 --> 00:12:51,839
but trust me, it is.
314
00:12:51,905 --> 00:12:52,906
Okay.
315
00:12:52,973 --> 00:12:56,243
I'm really constipated.
316
00:12:56,309 --> 00:13:01,048
You do realize which end
of the body I specialize in?
317
00:13:01,114 --> 00:13:02,382
I know, I know, I'm not here
for an enema.
318
00:13:02,449 --> 00:13:04,617
Good, because that couch
isn't Scotchguarded.
319
00:13:04,684 --> 00:13:10,223
I'm thinking it's psychosomatic
'cause I've tried coffee,
320
00:13:10,290 --> 00:13:14,661
fiber, laxatives and something
my housekeeper said was
321
00:13:14,727 --> 00:13:19,199
a suppository, but I now suspect
was a practical joke.
322
00:13:19,266 --> 00:13:24,404
All right,
so psychosomatic constipation.
323
00:13:24,471 --> 00:13:25,505
Good name for rock band, huh?
324
00:13:25,572 --> 00:13:27,841
Weekend rates, Charlie.
325
00:13:27,908 --> 00:13:30,777
Tell me what's going on
in your life.
326
00:13:30,844 --> 00:13:32,779
How are things with you
and your fiancé?
327
00:13:32,846 --> 00:13:34,848
Great, great!
She lives with me now.
328
00:13:34,915 --> 00:13:36,483
We're planning the wedding.
Couldn't be better.
329
00:13:36,549 --> 00:13:38,018
Good. And how's work?
330
00:13:38,085 --> 00:13:40,387
Well, it's been pretty slow,
331
00:13:40,453 --> 00:13:41,989
but thankfully,
the house is paid off,
332
00:13:42,055 --> 00:13:45,258
my pension is funded,
and I've given up prostitutes.
333
00:13:45,325 --> 00:13:47,160
So, really, all I need is
drinking money,
334
00:13:47,227 --> 00:13:49,196
and what's that,
a couple grand a month?
335
00:13:49,262 --> 00:13:51,198
That sounds about right.
336
00:13:51,264 --> 00:13:53,766
Hey, do you remember Mia?
337
00:13:53,833 --> 00:13:55,102
Your ex-fiancé the dancer.
338
00:13:55,168 --> 00:13:56,603
Wow, you remember.
339
00:13:56,669 --> 00:14:00,140
I'm not sitting here
sketching ponies, Charlie.
340
00:14:01,875 --> 00:14:03,810
Anyway, I ran into her.
341
00:14:03,877 --> 00:14:05,412
Really? And how'd that go?
342
00:14:05,478 --> 00:14:07,547
Fine, fine. She looks great,
343
00:14:07,614 --> 00:14:09,816
she's single again,
told me she missed me.
344
00:14:09,883 --> 00:14:10,450
Uh-huh.
345
00:14:10,517 --> 00:14:11,952
I always dig that.
346
00:14:13,120 --> 00:14:15,355
Then she asked me
if I could help her out
347
00:14:15,422 --> 00:14:17,524
with this music project,
and I said no.
348
00:14:17,590 --> 00:14:19,192
But then Chelsea said
349
00:14:19,259 --> 00:14:21,962
if I didn't still have feelings
for her, why not do it?
350
00:14:22,029 --> 00:14:23,030
So I did it.
351
00:14:23,096 --> 00:14:23,931
Interesting.
352
00:14:23,997 --> 00:14:25,432
When did all this happen?
353
00:14:25,498 --> 00:14:26,766
Three of four days ago.
354
00:14:26,833 --> 00:14:30,203
And how long have you
been constipated?
355
00:14:30,270 --> 00:14:32,539
I don't know.
Three, four days.
356
00:14:33,974 --> 00:14:37,044
Hey, you think
there's a connection?
357
00:14:37,110 --> 00:14:38,545
I'm leaning that way.
358
00:14:38,611 --> 00:14:39,879
Look, Charlie,
359
00:14:39,947 --> 00:14:41,881
you obviously still have
feelings for Mia,
360
00:14:41,949 --> 00:14:43,683
and yet you're committed
to Chelsea.
361
00:14:43,750 --> 00:14:45,052
It's an emotional conflict,
362
00:14:45,118 --> 00:14:46,719
and until you resolve
that conflict,
363
00:14:46,786 --> 00:14:49,022
you're going
to be physically blocked.
364
00:14:49,089 --> 00:14:50,257
English, please?
365
00:14:50,323 --> 00:14:53,293
As soon as you pick one,
you can go two.
366
00:14:56,930 --> 00:14:58,731
What happens if I can't pick?
367
00:14:58,798 --> 00:15:00,767
I don't know. C-section?
368
00:15:03,203 --> 00:15:05,172
* Men.
369
00:15:05,238 --> 00:15:08,241
Anyway, she said I have
to resolve the conflict
370
00:15:08,308 --> 00:15:10,343
because my emotions
are strongly connected
371
00:15:10,410 --> 00:15:11,644
to my lower intestine.
372
00:15:11,711 --> 00:15:13,680
That makes a certain amount
of sense.
373
00:15:13,746 --> 00:15:16,849
You think with your penis,
and your head's up your ass.
374
00:15:16,916 --> 00:15:21,121
(gasps) The baby just came!
375
00:15:21,188 --> 00:15:23,156
Baby?
376
00:15:23,223 --> 00:15:25,158
Well, it's not technically
a baby,
377
00:15:25,225 --> 00:15:27,494
but we know it's gonna
look like you.
378
00:15:28,361 --> 00:15:29,929
Hey, Charlie
379
00:15:29,997 --> 00:15:31,531
Hey.
380
00:15:36,336 --> 00:15:37,704
What's she still doing here?
381
00:15:37,770 --> 00:15:39,506
Not still. She went away,
she came back.
382
00:15:39,572 --> 00:15:40,873
She's not moving in, Alan.
383
00:15:40,940 --> 00:15:42,675
Of course not.
You said no, it's no.
384
00:15:42,742 --> 00:15:44,077
We're out of
milk, sweetie.
385
00:15:44,144 --> 00:15:44,577
I'm gonna run
to the market.
386
00:15:44,644 --> 00:15:45,445
Okay.
387
00:15:49,082 --> 00:15:51,084
She likes milk.
388
00:15:51,151 --> 00:15:53,420
So how are you gonna resolve
your conflict?
389
00:15:53,486 --> 00:15:54,921
I'm not sure.
390
00:15:54,988 --> 00:15:56,656
I may have to sleep with Mia.
391
00:15:56,723 --> 00:15:58,291
What?!
392
00:15:58,358 --> 00:16:00,593
Okay, here's the deal.
393
00:16:00,660 --> 00:16:02,529
(groans)
394
00:16:02,595 --> 00:16:05,132
If I back out of the recording
session with Mia,
395
00:16:05,198 --> 00:16:07,700
Chelsea will think I still have
feelings for her.
396
00:16:07,767 --> 00:16:08,568
All right.
397
00:16:08,635 --> 00:16:09,836
However, if I spend
398
00:16:09,902 --> 00:16:11,604
any more time with Mia
without sleeping with her,
399
00:16:11,671 --> 00:16:13,973
I'm gonna split open
like a roasted pistachio.
400
00:16:14,041 --> 00:16:15,275
Nobody wants that!
401
00:16:15,342 --> 00:16:17,677
Charlie, cheating
on Chelsea makes
402
00:16:17,744 --> 00:16:19,146
absolutely no sense whatsoever.
403
00:16:19,212 --> 00:16:20,513
That's what I thought,
404
00:16:20,580 --> 00:16:23,083
but my shrink was
pretty adamant.
405
00:16:25,485 --> 00:16:29,522
Just promise if anything
happens to me,
406
00:16:29,589 --> 00:16:32,459
you'll raise it as your own.
407
00:16:33,560 --> 00:16:35,228
* Men.
408
00:16:35,295 --> 00:16:37,730
(funky R&B playing)
409
00:16:37,797 --> 00:16:41,568
(off-key):
* Down in Louisiana
410
00:16:41,634 --> 00:16:44,071
* Where the alligators
grow so mean *
411
00:16:44,137 --> 00:16:47,707
* Lived a girl that I swear
to the world *
412
00:16:47,774 --> 00:16:51,044
* Made the alligators
look tame *
413
00:16:51,111 --> 00:16:54,381
* Poke salad Annie
414
00:16:54,447 --> 00:16:57,284
I know, I know
it's hard to believe
415
00:16:57,350 --> 00:16:58,618
I'm not banging her.
416
00:16:58,685 --> 00:17:01,788
Then why are we here?
417
00:17:01,854 --> 00:17:04,557
She's an old friend.
I'm helping her out.
418
00:17:04,624 --> 00:17:05,792
You really want to help her out?
419
00:17:05,858 --> 00:17:07,327
Sneak up behind her
with a big rock.
420
00:17:07,394 --> 00:17:09,996
(groaning)
421
00:17:10,063 --> 00:17:11,331
Detox?
422
00:17:11,398 --> 00:17:13,466
No, constipated.
423
00:17:13,533 --> 00:17:15,635
'Cause you're detoxing?
424
00:17:15,702 --> 00:17:17,770
Can we just do this?
425
00:17:17,837 --> 00:17:18,405
Fine.
426
00:17:18,471 --> 00:17:20,073
(volume increases)
427
00:17:20,140 --> 00:17:25,112
* 'Cause your mama was working
on the chain gang *
428
00:17:25,178 --> 00:17:27,114
* Poke
429
00:17:28,281 --> 00:17:29,249
* Salad.
430
00:17:29,316 --> 00:17:31,251
(song ends)
431
00:17:31,318 --> 00:17:33,386
(sighs)
That one felt really good.
432
00:17:33,453 --> 00:17:34,687
Okay, help me
understand something.
433
00:17:34,754 --> 00:17:36,456
You're hoping
to bang her, right?
434
00:17:40,493 --> 00:17:41,928
Can I hear a little?
435
00:17:45,498 --> 00:17:48,501
Sure. Play it back.
436
00:17:52,205 --> 00:17:55,575
* Down in Louisiana
437
00:17:55,642 --> 00:17:56,809
That's me?
438
00:17:56,876 --> 00:17:57,977
That's you.
439
00:17:58,044 --> 00:17:59,979
* Where the alligators grow
so mean *
440
00:18:00,046 --> 00:18:04,717
Wow. I had no idea
I was so good.
441
00:18:07,520 --> 00:18:11,124
Oh, Charlie,
I'm so happy!
442
00:18:11,191 --> 00:18:15,195
Oh, well, if you're happy,
I'm happy.
443
00:18:15,262 --> 00:18:18,431
Why did I ever
let you go?
444
00:18:18,498 --> 00:18:21,301
If I recall,
you had a list of reasons.
445
00:18:21,368 --> 00:18:22,602
Well, I was wrong.
446
00:18:22,669 --> 00:18:24,504
How can I make
it up to you?
447
00:18:24,571 --> 00:18:27,640
Um, how do you want
to make it up to me?
448
00:18:29,909 --> 00:18:31,611
Wow.
449
00:18:33,012 --> 00:18:35,148
There it is.
450
00:18:36,716 --> 00:18:39,919
Let's do this last track, and
then we can go back to my place.
451
00:18:43,323 --> 00:18:44,624
(door closes)
452
00:18:44,691 --> 00:18:47,026
Maybe we can sweeten
her vocals with some reverb,
453
00:18:47,093 --> 00:18:49,362
a little echo,
lay a little guitar over it?
454
00:18:49,429 --> 00:18:51,831
We can lay car horns
and barking dogs over it.
455
00:18:51,898 --> 00:18:54,000
It won't help.
456
00:18:56,736 --> 00:18:58,571
I'm ready.
457
00:18:58,638 --> 00:19:01,107
Just relax and feel
the groove, okay?
458
00:19:01,174 --> 00:19:02,375
I got it.
459
00:19:02,442 --> 00:19:06,746
Okay, this is
"Boogie-woogie Bugle Boy."
460
00:19:06,813 --> 00:19:08,848
Take one.
461
00:19:08,915 --> 00:19:13,486
(trumpets play intro)
462
00:19:13,553 --> 00:19:15,054
(off-key):
* He was a famous
trumpet man *
463
00:19:15,121 --> 00:19:16,756
* From out Chicago way
464
00:19:16,823 --> 00:19:19,392
* He had a boogie style that
no one else could play, whoo! *
465
00:19:19,459 --> 00:19:21,361
* He was the top man
at his craft *
466
00:19:21,428 --> 00:19:24,997
* And then his number came up,
and he was going to the draft *
467
00:19:25,064 --> 00:19:27,166
* He's in the army now,
blowing reveille *
468
00:19:27,234 --> 00:19:29,702
* He's the boogie-woogie
bugle boy of Company B *
469
00:19:29,769 --> 00:19:30,837
Okay, Mia, hold it,
470
00:19:30,903 --> 00:19:31,871
hold it a sec.
471
00:19:31,938 --> 00:19:33,105
Is something wrong?
472
00:19:33,172 --> 00:19:37,910
Yeah, kind of.
You can't sing.
473
00:19:37,977 --> 00:19:39,011
What?
474
00:19:39,078 --> 00:19:40,480
You got no talent.
475
00:19:40,547 --> 00:19:43,350
I'm sorry, but we're
both wasting our time here.
476
00:19:43,416 --> 00:19:44,617
I love Chelsea.
477
00:19:44,684 --> 00:19:47,687
I'm gonna marry her,
and I can't see you anymore.
478
00:19:47,754 --> 00:19:49,188
Are you kidding?
479
00:19:49,256 --> 00:19:52,925
You can't just walk out
on me! You...
480
00:19:52,992 --> 00:19:54,060
Where's the bathroom?
481
00:19:54,126 --> 00:19:55,428
Down the hall.
482
00:19:55,495 --> 00:19:56,229
Thanks.
483
00:19:56,296 --> 00:19:58,431
No,thank you.
484
00:20:00,633 --> 00:20:02,369
I should have known
this would happen,
485
00:20:02,435 --> 00:20:04,271
you lowlife
son of a bitch!
486
00:20:04,337 --> 00:20:06,673
Uh, the lowlife son of a bitch
is gone,
487
00:20:06,739 --> 00:20:08,708
but I think
you have a real gift,
488
00:20:08,775 --> 00:20:10,777
and we should work together.
489
00:20:13,045 --> 00:20:15,515
Oh, you gotta be kidding me.
490
00:20:18,150 --> 00:20:20,320
You might want
to give it a minute.
491
00:20:20,387 --> 00:20:23,189
You were in there
with your guitar?
492
00:20:23,256 --> 00:20:25,692
You never know when
inspiration might strike.
493
00:20:33,132 --> 00:20:35,735
That's called "Two Burritos
and a Root Beer Float."
494
00:20:40,840 --> 00:20:42,509
* Men.
495
00:20:44,176 --> 00:20:45,512
* Men.
496
00:20:45,578 --> 00:20:48,315
Hey, how's
the intestines?
497
00:20:48,381 --> 00:20:51,284
Clean as a whistle.
498
00:20:51,351 --> 00:20:53,920
It's the city's problem now.
499
00:20:56,022 --> 00:20:59,225
(laughs)
500
00:20:59,292 --> 00:21:01,193
Yeah, ha-ha, very funny.
501
00:21:01,260 --> 00:21:05,365
What was in that so-called
suppository you gave me, anyway?
502
00:21:05,432 --> 00:21:09,235
Half a tab of Alka-Seltzer
crushed up in a gel cap.
503
00:21:09,302 --> 00:21:14,006
Oh. Well, that explains
the foam.
504
00:21:14,073 --> 00:21:15,642
Well, I'm off
to work.
505
00:21:15,708 --> 00:21:17,276
Oh, have a good day,
sweetie.
506
00:21:17,344 --> 00:21:18,845
I'll be home
around 6:30.
Okay.
507
00:21:20,347 --> 00:21:21,247
Alan?
508
00:21:21,314 --> 00:21:22,315
She's not living here.
509
00:21:22,382 --> 00:21:23,750
Just checking.
510
00:21:25,618 --> 00:21:27,620
And he calls me stupid.
34569
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