Original subtitles

[swing music playing]

-[knocking] -[Trish] Mmm.

Right, we're all ready for the briefing.

-This is from Chris. -"Chris" Chris? Your ex Chris?

-Yes. Chris. Is there another Chris? -Okay, I'm just going to go.

-It's no big deal, I'll open it later. -Cool.

[Trish] I'm not even blummin' bothered what it is.

I'll just pop it in my in-tray.

-[Karl] Mm-hmm. Yeah, I just-- -Actually, I may as well open it now.

Simple Minds.

He remembered.

Something's come up, Karl, and I'll need a bit of head space today.

-I'm making you acting manager. -What? No.

No, thanks. I don't think I can be acting manager.

-Don't worry, you're ready. -But no one likes you if you're manager.

[Trish] Don't be silly. People like me, don't they? Do they?

Yeah, yeah. I just mean I won't do it as well as you. No one will listen to me.

Then make yourself heard. If you do not throw a stone, the pool will not ripple.

-What pool? -[Trish] Thanks, Karl.

You're my special number two.

[swing music playing]

♪ Bring me sunshine ♪

♪ In your smile ♪

♪ Bring me laughter ♪

♪ All the while ♪

♪ In this world where we live There should be more happiness ♪

♪ So much joy... ♪

Apparently, we're running low on copier paper.

So essential use only.

That's been underlined, so it must be important.

Other than that, just, you know... carry on as normal.

Do we have to call you "Sir"?

-No, just Karl. -Sir Karl?

[Paul] Can we knock off early?

-If it was up to me-- -It is up to you.

-We'll strike if you don't let us. -Then I'll sack you all.

That was a joke.

I don't understand why you're acting manager.

I think Trish is just really busy--

[Angela] No, I don't understand why you're acting manager.

Because I am...

[clears throat] Because I am.

Oh. Right.

So she's written here that we're breaking at 4:30 for cards and presents.

-Who for, Sir Karl? -Oh, my giddy aunt, it's her birthday.

It's Trish's birthday.

How could I forget? Same day I had my hysterectomy.

Happy anniversary.

Why don't we get her a card and present?

It needs to be something special.

Smelly candle?

What about one of them day experiences.

You know, "swim with dolphins," that type of thing.

[George] I wouldn't.

My mate's missus did that in Florida and the dolphin touched her up...

with his nose.

[Danielle] Shall I put that down as a maybe then?

-Can we go? -Oh, right, yes. Go! Go get them!

[Paul] Karl, little favour to ask.

I need to store a few rolls of carpet in here later.

-How many? -Two or three.

Well, is it two or three?

It's eight. Lovely job this, massive house, all cream.

They haven't got kids.

I don't think Trish would be too pleased with that.

Obviously, I don't care, pff, whatever. [chuckles] But Trish would.

I won't tell, if you don't.

But there won't be anything to tell though will there?

Trust me, Karl There won't be nothing to tell.

[swing music playing]

[mobile phone dialling]

Hi, Chris, it's Trish.

Look, I just wanted to say--

[female voice] At the tone, please, record your message.

[beep]

Hi, Chris, it's Tris-- Sorry, no, it's Chris.

No. [chuckles] Sorry, you're Chris, I'm Trish.

Sorry, start again. Um, I just wanted to say--

[phone rings]

I just wanted to say, thank you for the "Minds" CD.

I know what this means.

[woman] Trish? It's Mum. Something's wrong with the oven.

I think we, um... we need to talk, don't you?

I've cleared my diary for the day. I'll be in our usual place at one.

All right then, see you.

Karl... as acting manager, there's a problem you need to deal with.

So sorry to keep you waiting, Mrs Carter. This is Karl, he's acting as manager.

-How can I help? -I had a capability assessment

and they say I'm fit for work, but I'm not.

-She's got osteoarthritis, Karl. -[Dawn] They tested me on a good day.

Just because she can do it once

-doesn't mean she can do it all the time. -Right, okay.

As acting manager, what can you do about that?

[Dawn] I can't afford to lose my benefits.

[Angela] She needs money to live on, Karl.

-Well, you can appeal. -And in your experience as acting manager

how long will she have to wait?

-Up to six months. -Six months?

It's terrible.

-I don't make the rules. -But you're the manager.

Acting manager.

[Janette] Karl, love, have you got a minute?

Yes.

[Janette] People have been waiting ages, they're getting fed up.

Even Graham's looking restless.

And I'm on my own.

-Is Paul not around? -I'll try him.

Hang on, the doo-dah's knackered.

Excuse me, Karl. I've got a bit of a problem.

Mother Hen to Balls of Steel, what is your position, please?

-Karl? -Mmm?

[Janette] Mother Hen to Balls of Steel what is your position, please?

-Keep coming. -[Janette] Mother Hen to Balls of Steel?

Bit more.

Bit more.

-[loud thud] -[alarm wails]

Bit less.

[Graham] Then, right, I got up on the Saturday morning

and the squirrel was there again.

So I let him into my flat and I've called him Steven.

Oh, yeah.

I did give him some crisps that I had in the fridge, but he didn't like them.

I think because they were salt and vinegar.

Squirrels don't like vinegar...

or salt...

or crisps.

Sorry, Graham, what did you want?

That's what I'm getting to, Karl.

I should have signed on over an hour ago, because I have got to get back.

Because I shut Steven in the airing cupboard to sleep.

I think he might need the toilet.

-Who are you booked in with? -Danielle.

-Danielle. -Sir Karl, look at this.

We're getting Trish a photo cake. It's perfect.

[Karl] Yeah. Have you been doing any work this morning, Dan?

Only Graham's been waiting to sign on for ages.

Give us a chance, I've been working finding Trish a prezzie.

She is going to love this.

[George] I know for a fact they do it in Asda.

-We need a picture of her. -Karl.

-Just a minute. -[George] I'll can get a picture of her

and she won't even know I've taken it.

-How you going to do that? -So anyway--

[George] I take secret pictures of people every day.

-Do you now? -In my capacity as a fraud officer.

-Uh... Danielle-- -Karl.

Hold on. Seriously, just get back to work.

[cracks a whip]

How'd you get a cake in a printer?

Danielle, they don't put the whole cake in the printer.

They just put the icing through.

-Karl. -What do you want?

Sorry, what do you want?

Mrs Carter has glued herself to my desk.

I'm not going anywhere until I get my benefits sorted.

Thanks for all your help.

[Karl sighs] Great...

All right, Trish, you called me?

-No, I didn't. -No? My mistake.

What's this? Just got a text.

-What? -Sorry, it's a long text.

George, can I ask you a hypothetical question?

-[George] Free country, fire away. -[camera clicks]

[Trish] Imagine there was a woman who worked very, very hard.

So hard, in fact, she was rarely at home.

And her husband ended up having a sexual affair

with, let's just say for argument's sake, a spiteful little tramp

-who works in a leisure centre. -I'm listening.

And when this woman found out about the affair she was... very sad

medically and she did some silly things, which she now regrets.

-Like what? -Oh, you know.

Silent phone calls in the night, followed him in to work

went through his bins, that kind of thing.

-What? -But now time has moved on

and he has made it clear he would like to try again.

-And she feels ready to forgive. -Why?

Because she feels stronger--

No, why does he want to get back with her? She sounds like a nutjob.

He should stick with the bird from the leisure centre.

Well he's not going to do that, is he?

Because she's not his soul mate and she will never be, okay?

[softly] Okay.

Well, thanks then.

[chuckles]

Oh, no.

Oh, Trish.

[soft blues]

Where is Paul? Can you radio him again.

-I can't get it off my belt, Karl. -Let me have a go.

[Dawn] I'll warn you now, love

I'm not letting anyone move me until you give me what I need.

[Angela] You're in for a long wait then. Because we do not

and will not negotiate with terrorists.

Terrorists? I thought you were on my side.

You're going to rip my trousers.

-We've got to pay for these ourselves. -Fine.

-Hello, Paul? -He won't answer

unless you use his handle.

[sighs heavily]

Balls of Steel, where are you?

-Well, I'm not down there. [chuckles] -Where have you been?

Getting in that carpet, it looks like rain.

-Oh, yeah, it smells when it's wet. -But I said you couldn't.

No, you said Trish wouldn't like it.

Yeah, but I meant I wouldn't like it.

You can't store eight rolls of carpet in the learning room.

It's more like 15, what with the underlay. [chuckles]

This is all one big joke to you, is it?

Well, how about this for a joke: you've got a verbal warning. Ha ha ha.

-I don't get it. -[Karl] I mean it. Verbal warning.

-Don't be daft, Karl, you can't do that. -You want one as well?

Don't you cheek me, young man. I've got knickers older than you.

[muffled music]

["Alive and Kicking" playing]

-What are you doing? -Look at this.

"Trish. we found this under the car seat. We don't want it." Chris and Paula.

[Trish] I thought he'd remembered my special day. I thought he'd realised

he'd made a mistake and wanted to give our marriage a second try.

Still, at least you got your CD back.

I'm meeting him in an hour. What do I say? What do I do?

I've made a complete boob of myself.

Come with me, to the pub.

Pretend you're with me. It'd kill him to see me with someone else.

-Would it? -Yes! Someone young and fit, he'd hate it.

Oh, but the thing is...

I've just given Paul a verbal warning and a woman's glued herself to Angela's desk.

[Trish] Karl, I love the way you've thrown yourself into this role

but some things are more important than being manager of this job centre.

[Karl] If I leave, who's going to be in charge?

Manager? Are you joking? I get ID'd buying scissors.

-You'll be fine. -How come you get to go to the pub?

-I don't want to go. -[Danielle] I'll go then.

You can't, you're manager.

Can I give myself the afternoon off?

Oh, please, Dan, it's you or Angela.

Fine, I'll do it. You go and be teacher's pet.

-I'm not teacher's pet. -Come on, Karl. Your coat.

[swing music playing]

What does Chris look like?

He's a fireman. Someone's coming, look like you're having a good time.

-How? -Just laugh.

[laughs awkwardly] We're having a good time.

-He is definitely coming, isn't he? -Yes.

You spoke to him, and he said he was coming?

-Not to him, I left a message. -[door squeaks open]

[laughing awkwardly] We're enjoying ourselves.

-So you've not heard from him at all? -No.

Oh, Trish...

I don't think he's coming.

[door squeaks open]

No.

I'm sorry, Karl. I had to come just in case.

Do you know what it's like being on your own? It's lonely.

Going to sleep and waking up in an empty flat.

Buying dinner for one.

Keep having the same meal two nights in a row because--

-Everything comes in twin packs. -Yes.

[sighs heavily] What do you want?

I will have a Jägerbomb.

[swing music playing]

Like it explains in the letter, you are no longer eligible to sign on

because your partner's income exceeds the threshold.

[Darren] Like I've been saying, I'm not married.

You know all this, I've been signing on for ages.

According to the system, you married a Susan Braithwate in 1974.

I wasn't born in 1974.

Well, I can only deal with the information I've got.

[Dawn] Come on, that's obviously a mistake.

-Thank you. -[Angela] I'm sorry, this is confidential.

I don't even know a Susan Braithwate. She's not my wife.

You'll need to prove that.

-[Dawn] How's he meant to do that? -Yeah, how?

-You need to get her to sign something. -To prove she doesn't exist?

Waste of time.

Glued yourself to the wrong desk, love.

[swing music playing]

We shouldn't be doing this. It's breaking and entering.

It's not breaking and entering. It's still half my house.

I'm still on the deeds.

[lock rattling]

[Trish] They've changed the locks. Why would they change the locks?

-In case you try to break in? -She's done this.

She's turning Chris against me.

We need to pick the lock. You got a credit card?

I've got my provisional driving license.

I've just never got around to it.

I don't really know what I'm doing.

Wait.

I know how we can get in. Come with me.

Oh, look at this.

She's not separating her plastics.

What kind of monster is she?

Please, Trish, can't we just go? Someone's going to see us.

-We'll get arrested. -Fine. Arrest me.

But I'm not going until I've got what's rightfully mine.

What is she thinking? They won't take bubble wrap.

[swing music playing]

Actually, I could get used to this.

Her chair is so much better than ours.

What about this one?

She looks like she's about to cry.

-You can't put that on a cake. -It was a moving target.

[Danielle] We can do better than this.

Maybe she's got a photo in here or something.

-Any joy? -[Danielle] Nah.

[buzzing]

No, Danielle, I do not want to see that.

It's all right, it's a frother.

[chuckles] I know what it's for, Danielle.

Right, give me a bunk up.

-Ooh! -[thud]

[Trish] I'm fine, I'm fine!

[Karl] Right, I'm coming over.

Come on.

[Karl] Think I've got a splinter.

Oh! My meerkats!

What are you doing down there?

Everyone loved the meerkats. They were always laughing at them.

Go and put them back out the front.

-I'm going in. -What? No. You can't!

[Trish] Don't worry, Karl, there's no one in.

They've changed the lino.

Can I help you?

Uh, no, I'm fine, thank you. I'm just admiring the drive.

-Are you a friend of Chris and Paula's? -Yes. Yes, that's what I am, yes.

Only we have to be careful, you see. We've had a few problems.

Chris's ex...

-bit of a screw loose. -Hmm, really?

He's much better off without her. Paula's a lovely girl.

-Mmm... -[dogs barking]

I've got them, Karl, I've got my boys back!

[Linda] Hello, Trish, how are you?

Up yours, Linda. Come on, Karl.

[dog barks]

Where are your tights?

I left them in the fridge as a dirty protest.

-Do you have to? -[Angela] I have to eat

every three and a half hours, I'm prone to mood swings.

-Can't you use a fork like normal people? -Forks are in the kitchen.

I'm not leaving you alone at my desk.

-[Paul] Close. -George, stop moving.

[George] Don't throw it at my head then.

Why's no one doing any bloody work?

Boss said we didn't have to.

I've only got one rule as manager, Janette,

and that is that everyone must be having fun at all times.

[Trish] Everyone, I'd like you to meet my boys, Ferrero and Rocher.

Go on, boys, go and say hello. Go on!

[dogs barking]

-Enjoy the pub? -You won't believe what just happened.

What are you doing? You can't bring them things in here.

-I've just vacuumed. -I can do what I like.

I'm the manager. I am Trish.

-Have you had a drink? -No, I haven't had a drink.

I've had five drinks, and I've never felt so alive.

Look at my beautiful labs.

[dog growls]

I'll go and put them in the learning room. Come on. Honestly.

[dogs barking]

Come on! Come on!

I can't do this anymore.

Excuse me, can you help? Have you got anything that can unstick me?

I've got some carpet glue remover in my boot.

But it's ten quid a bottle and highly toxic.

But I haven't got a tenner.

You can have it for free.

On the up side, you can probably go back on incapacity, love.

-Ooh! -[Trish] Janette?

Have you got a scrubbing brush? I don't know what she's been feeding them,

but it's coming out like a leaky radiator.

Poor Rocher has practically written his name on all that carpet.

Gordon Bennett.

Honestly, Paul, I had to use a spoon.

[Paul] Ah! It's 40 quid a square metre.

[shouts] Get this thing off me!

[Trish] Oh, don't mind him, Angela, he's just being friendly.

He can probably smell your cat.

I don't care, just get this dog off!

-Give him a minute. -[Trish] Come on, Ferrero!

Come on, put your lipstick away, please.

-[Paula shouts] Get down, Ferrero! -[dog whimpers]

Oh.

Hello, Paula.

Trish.

How are you?

[Paula] Very well. How are you? You look a little run down.

I'm fine. I feel fine. I'm fine.

You'd be more than welcome at my exercise classes.

We cater for all ages.

What do you want, Paula?

I think you've taken something that belongs to me and Chris.

No, I bought the dogs, they're mine.

-Come on, boys, come to mummy. -Here, boys. Come here, boys.

-Come on, boys, heel. -Come on. Here, boys, here.

Here, boys, here, boys. Come on, come on, my labs.

I tell you what.

-Why don't you just have one each? -No.

No one splits my labs.

[dog whimpers]

Come on, babies, come to mummy. Come on.

Fine, keep them.

I don't need your dogs. I've got your husband.

[staff] ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday, dear Trish ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

[cheering]

[Trish] Thanks, guys.

[Angela] Will someone help and just get this dog off?

♪ Bring me sunshine in your smile ♪

♪ Bring me laughter all the while ♪

♪ In this world where we live There should be more happiness ♪

♪ So much joy you can give To each brand new bright tomorrow ♪

♪ Make me happy through the years ♪

♪ Never bring me... ♪