Original subtitles

-[machine pumping] -[sighs loudly]

That is such a relief.

Look at that! And that's just from one.

Hang on! Don't come in. Danielle's expressing.

-[Trish] It's me, Janette. -Oh.

Staff briefing when you've finished your milking.

[whispers] Can't she do that in the toilet?

Would you make your tea in the toilet?

Sorry, Trish. Nearly done, just getting the dregs.

-No problem. -[Danielle sighs]

-♪ Bring me sunshine ♪ -[machine pumping]

♪ In your smile ♪

♪ Bring me laughter ♪

♪ All the while ♪

♪ In this world where we live ♪

♪ There should be more happiness ♪

♪ So much joy you can give ♪

♪ To each brand new bright tomorrow ♪

Morning!

All right. Good night last night?

I did have a good night, yes. A very, very good night.

Oh, yeah?

Sounds like someone got lucky, who was she?

Morning, everybody.

-Not her. -You look happy, Angela, you all right?

Had a little win on the lottery last night.

-Lads, let me tell you about this girl. -How much did we win?

[Angela] We didn't win anything. I won, on my personal ticket.

But you're in charge of the syndicate, you can't do a personal ticket.

I keep them separate.

-This girl-- -How do you keep the tickets separate?

I do two lucky dips.

I keep the staff one in my left pocket and my personal one in my right pocket.

-George-- -How much did you win?

It's vulgar to talk about money.

How do we know you didn't switch the tickets?

Oh, what a shame you can't just be pleased for me.

Come on, everyone.

I had sex in a field last night.

[Trish] An important thing is to remember

that these appraisals are as much for you as they are for me.

I mean, there's absolutely nothing to worry about.

I'll just be closely observing you work and judging your performance.

Ah, I don't like being watched.

You won't even know I'm there.

I'll be like George on his surveillance missions.

No, you won't.

-I just mean-- -No, you won't.

-[Danielle] What if we're crap? -[Trish] Save your questions.

Everyone will be having a one-on-one with me later.

[Angela] Is anyone going up a grade?

I may be moving someone up internally.

I'm surprised a lottery winner's bothered about pay grades.

[Trish] Now I don't want you to act any differently,

just remember I'll be watching at all times.

Until four, because I have to leave early.

I'm, uh, I'm having laser eye surgery.

So, um, this time tomorrow I'll have the vision of a 21 year old.

[Paul] You should've said, Trish, I've got a laser pen in me bum bag.

Thank you, Paul. Okay, everyone, off you go.

Karl, would you pop these chairs away, asap? Thank you.

So carry on. In a field? Didn't you get dirty?

I tried my best.

I couldn't go on that training course in the end

-I had to look after me nan. -Right.

She's gone demented.

We have to make sure she doesn't put her head in the blender or something

Is Trish watching me?

-No, why? -She needs to think I'm doing a good job.

You look like you're doing all right?

-I'm not. -She's there.

Don't mind me.

Okay, so if you look after your nan, Bryony,

maybe you should think about a career in the care industry?

Oh... there's a job here on the system.

Work experience in a retirement home, let me call them for you.

What?

[woman] Hello, Grange.

Hello, I'm calling from Brownall Job Centre

I've got somebody here who's interested in your vacancy.

Okay, thanks.

-How are you? -How am I? How are you?

I'm fine, I'm... fine.

Job reference BRO48927.

-That's a nice little coat. -I know.

-Where did you get it from? -Why? You going to get one?

-No. -Because if you get one I can't wear this.

I'm not going to get one.

[Danielle] It's Miss Bryony West.

Great, I'll let her know.

Oh, my God, Bryony, I've got you an interview.

-Oh, well done, Danielle. -Yeah, well done, Danielle.

Right, super!

Who's next?

I thought it was you. Didn't recognise you with your clothes on.

Mia. What...? [chuckles]

What are you doing here?

I'm signing on, what are you doing here?

You told me you worked in a bar.

Yeah, I do, but I sign on as well.

You told me you were a street artist.

Girls aren't impressed when say you work in a job centre.

Oh, so you wanted to impress me?

Little bit. Did I?

Little bit. Do you want to impress me again tonight?

Pff, um... yes.

[giggles]

Listen, you're going to have to go. If word got round I...

made love to a job seeker, I'd get sacked.

-Really? -It's completely against the rules,

no one can find out.

That's exciting. Danger sex.

[Mia gasps] We should do it somewhere really naughty tonight!

They are really painful, but I love my new fun bags.

Cabbage leaves, love, that's what you need.

Tuck a couple down your bra, that'll sort you out.

Chuck in some roasters and a Yorkshire pudding

and you've got a full carvery.

-There you go. -What's this for?

No reason, thought I'd treat everyone to a little choccy bar.

You know... share with your colleagues.

Here, Trish, just a little something.

-I don't expect anything in return. -Oh, thank you, George. [giggles]

Didn't get you anything, Angela. But you can get your own, can't you

with your lottery winnings.

Might go to Thorntons later.

So now you know I work and sign on are you going to punish me?

No, don't worry, it's fine.

Oh, but I've broken the rules. I've been a bad girl.

[Karl] Not really, loads of people do it.

No, Karl, I've been a bad girl. I need to be punished.

-Oh. -[exhales]

Ah...

You've been naughty.

I'm going to give you... a right... telling off.

-Go on then. -[Trish] Mind if I join you?

Aaah, Trish, not this one.

Carry on, just pretend I'm not here.

This is... my manager, she needs to observe me for my appraisal.

If you don't want her here, please, say.

No, it's cool. I was just explaining that I'm working

and signing on at the same time.

And I told her you're not allowed to do that.

Don't be afraid to be hard with her, Karl.

Okay.

I will have to refer you to a decision-maker.

[Trish] Explain the process to the customer, Karl.

So... I will fax all the information across--

And what about me? Will you fax me?

I don't know... [clears throat] Can I fax her?

If that's what she wants, then yes, fax her.

Okay then...

I'll fax you later.

I look forward to receiving it.

[Trish] Lovely work. Well done.

[giggles]

-[knocking] -Willkommen, bienvenue, welcome.

Come in, take a seat. Please, don't feel intimidated.

Oh, hello.

You remember my union rep, from the tribunal.

-Morning. -Yes, hello.

This is just meant to be a one on one--

[loud click]

I'm entitled to have my union rep present.

Yes, of course. It is just a chat.

Just to see how you're progressing. Shall we make a start?

[beep]

So how do you feel like you're progressing?

Extremely well.

Great. And was there anything

-you would like any more support with? -No.

Okay, and... where do you see yourself in twelve months time?

Branch manager... when you move on.

Thanks. Bye.

Hey, Karl, bring your girlfriend to the pub tonight, we want to meet her.

Uh... no, I can't, I can't do that.

-Why not? -It's all right, they let guide dogs in.

[chuckles] No, sorry. I don't want to be all mysterious

just no one can meet her, and I can't tell you why.

-What? -We're not cousins or anything,

it's just, you know, work, life, keep them separate.

-She's a bloke. -He'd have worked that out last night.

-Maybe she's a bit of both. -What do you mean both?

You know, half rice half chips.

Who's next?

Okay, I'm off to the clinic, for the, you know... bzzz. [giggles]

-Good luck. -Oh, I'll be fine.

See you lasers. [giggles]

Okay, so, slight problem...

I have actually had to refer you to a decision-maker.

Oh, doesn't matter, I'm starting a new job next week anyway.

Oh, right, brilliant.

Yeah, three months round the Med on a cruise ship.

Ah... right, brilliant.

Quick, hide. No, hide. Please. If anyone found out...

All right, all right.

-Texting the new girlfriend? -Huh!

She's not my girlfriend.

[Paul] The worst thing you can do for love is deny it.

This young maiden has clearly captured your heart.

Big bangers?

She is very beautiful, olive skin. I think she's a bit Spanish.

I shacked up with a Spanish bird once. What a woman, I knew every inch of her.

If she was here now I'd recognise her by her shadow.

She was a big girl.

A bit Spanish?

What bit?

Your castanets?

[Mia giggles]

Karl, why don't you come with me, on the cruise?

-What? -I know the bloke,

they're still recruiting.

Ah... I don't know, I've just bought a monthly bus pass.

Are you serious?

No, you're right. No, I'm being stupid. I can get a refund.

Well, there you go! Let's go to the pub.

Ah... I've never bunked off work before.

I must be a bad influence on you. Come on, let's get drunk.

[both laugh]

I'm the king of the world!

Sorry.

-You're in early. -I got a taxi.

All right for some.

-[Karl] I can't believe we did on my desk. -[Jane] I know! Is the coast clear?

Yeah, quick, go.

Enjoy your last day.

Trish is going to be so gutted when I resign.

She'll probably cry, I might cry.

I won't cry.

-See you later. -Yeah, bye.

-Morning, Trish. -How did it go?

Brilliant! Eyes of a hawk. Twenty-twenty vision.

Technically hawks have better than 20/20 vision.

Good, then uh... then that's what I've got.

You have blinded me.

I'm a danger to myself, honestly.

Everything I've done this morning has been total guesswork.

No one said anything about a recovery time.

Okay, yes, someone did say something about recovery time.

Yes, I'm still here. No I can't go home.

I'm CSOM of a very busy job centre, and my staff rely on me and my eyes.

And if my eyes don't work then I can't see.

Did they not teach you that in medical school?

Well, when I can see, I will see you in court.

Dan, I've got some news. Can you keep a secret?

No, but tell me anyway.

[Bryony] I got the job!

At the retirement home. You're joking?

-You've got a job? -Yeah.

All I've got to do is take the oldies for a walk when they want

which is fine because most of them can't.

Wicked.

And I've got to help with dinners, which is basically just soup.

That's amazing. When do you start?

Nine o'clock this morning.

-Bryony, it's quarter to ten. -All right, I'm going.

I've tried to get you loads of interviews.

It's not my fault you're crap at your job.

Fine, whatever. I don't care.

These are for you. I got them yesterday.

Aw, thanks.

"Forever in our thoughts."

Someone died in the home, there were loads.

-What's that? -I bought it with my lottery winnings.

It's the same one George Clooney uses.

Oh, that's good of you, Angela.

Be nice to get a decent cup of coffee in this--

You can't touch it! It's for my personal use only.

Is that a joke?

I have to order the sachets online, it's a luxury drink.

-We'll club together. -No.

You all use proper milk.

I can't have lactose, I'm highly intolerant.

Hello?

-Have you got a minute? -Karl, yes, of course.

I was just writing appraisal reports.

I want to give you this.

Thanks, I'll look at it later.

Maybe you should read it now.

Okay, yes, I can do that.

Right... right, I see. Great!

Is that okay?

Do you think it's okay?

I suppose.

Then go for it. You know. Let's action that now?

Did you not want to talk about it?

Is there anything to talk about?

I suppose not.

Well, there you are then. All done. You may go.

[door clicks]

[machine grinding]

Ooh!

Divine!

[water boiling]

What are you doing?

I'm off.

I'm leaving. I'm going to go and work on a cruise ship.

-Real life? -I'm serious.

I'm going to run the kids club, face painting mainly.

But you hate kids.

No, I don't.

Not all of them.

And I like painting. I've got an art degree.

What about your new girlfriend?

She's going with me.

I may as well tell you, it's Mia Gibbs. She signs on here.

Mia Gibbs...

She's really fit, how did you pull her?

She's a woman. She's got needs.

This is mental! You on a cruise? It's really exciting.

You'll be able to have a buffet breakfast every day.

And you'll be trying all sorts of mad food you've never even heard of.

My Auntie Tina went on a cruise and she ate a goat.

-Really? -[Danielle] Yeah, in a curry.

You'll be trying new stuff all the time.

Which is brave for you,

because you've had the same sandwich for lunch for the past two years.

They'll have plain ham on the boat, won't they?

Yeah! [chuckles]

[sighs] It'll be just like Titanic.

"I'm the king of the world!"

Yeah. Yeah, that's what I said.

[chuckles]

I'm not going for long.

I'll come and see you when I get back.

Yeah.

You'll have to.

you'll be out of a job.

[swing music playing]

Janette, I wonder if you might have five minutes to help me with some filing.

Janette?

Oh, sorry.

[Danielle] I don't think Trish's eyes are right.

[clears throat]

She can't see.

[swing music playing]

Oh, hello... Karl.

Hello, sorry, yes, forgot to ask: how are your eyes?

Oh, they're fine. It really could not have gone better.

-What you doing? -Someone has been using my machine.

-You sure? -[Angela] Yes.

I've had terrible bloating all day. Someone's put normal milk in my steamer.

No one would do that, Angela.

I know my own bowel, thank you, George.

-Can you spare a bit more? -Go on then.

[swing music playing]

Not too much, that's Luke's tea.

Uh... what's going on? Why aren't you at work?

I walked out. He said I wasn't getting paid.

You're not getting paid, I told you it was work experience.

Let me call and tell him there's been a mistake.

Too late. I gave him the swear fingers and keyed his car.

-Danielle, can you arrange for somebody-- -Trish, what's this?

They were in the tray.

-[Bryony] That's Mia Gibbs. -[Trish] Who's Mia Gibbs?

-Karl's girlfriend. -What's Karl doing with a girlfriend?

Everything. On your photocopier.

Oh, Come on then, what's all this about?

Working late last night were you?

-Ah, forgot about that, give them here. -Hold on, I haven't finished yet.

Please, don't look at them.

-[women in unison] Oh! -Is that an arm?

No.

I thought you lot weren't allowed to go out with job seekers.

-She's a job seeker? -I'm not going out with her.

-But you're going on a cruise with her. -You're going on a cruise?

-Not anymore. -You've already resigned.

You've resigned?

No! I'm not going anywhere. I've finished it with Mia, I'm staying.

-What did she say? -I don't know she hasn't text me back yet.

You texted her?

Karl Lyndhurst, you love rat.

I see, you're going to walk out because something better's come along?

Just like that. Not even bother with a goodbye.

I did write you a resignation letter.

Yes, well, you haven't gone through the official channels.

-So you're going to have to tell HR. -But I don't want to leave.

-Well, you couldn't even if you wanted to. -I don't want to.

Well, I wouldn't care if you did, because you can't

and you can count yourself lucky I'm not sacking you.

-I do. -Good.

[loud thud]

I'm fine, I'm fine, it's fine.

Just get back to work, please.

[swing music playing]

[Graham] So what happened was, right,

I was in the park and I saw under a bush there was an adder.

-An adder? -An adder.

So I went and told Neil.

Do you know Neil?

He keeps snakes in his bath.

But as it happens, when we got there we realised it wasn't an adder...

It was a belt.

Oh, good.

[Graham] Neil said to me that I should keep it, but honestly, Karl,

I've got no use for it.

These are elastic.

Do you want it? The belt at home, I could bring it in for you?

Technically, it is a lady's belt, Karl,

but it will do the same thing in keeping your pants up.

No?

[grumbles]

♪ Bring me sunshine in your smile ♪

♪ Bring me laughter all the while ♪

♪ In this world where we live There should be more happiness ♪

♪ So much joy you can give To each brand new bright tomorrow ♪