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1
00:00:34,096 --> 00:00:35,157
Moving on,
2
00:00:35,257 --> 00:00:38,938
I received an entry form
for the Best Kept Village competition
3
00:00:39,038 --> 00:00:40,547
any thoughts?
4
00:00:40,547 --> 00:00:43,565
Yes. Tear it up.
-Pardon?
5
00:00:43,665 --> 00:00:48,502
Months of effort for what? Some
pointless piece of paper saying,
6
00:00:48,602 --> 00:00:50,002
"Dibley - Best Kept Village"
7
00:00:50,102 --> 00:00:53,700
No, no, no, no.
It's not just a piece of paper,
8
00:00:53,800 --> 00:00:55,818
it's a title.
A trophy.
9
00:00:55,918 --> 00:01:00,119
It's a cheque
..for �240,000
10
00:01:00,219 --> 00:01:03,051
presented by the Duchess of Kent.
11
00:01:03,151 --> 00:01:05,309
No. That's Wimbledon, Jim.
12
00:01:07,552 --> 00:01:09,678
Yes. That is Wimbledon.
13
00:01:11,432 --> 00:01:13,244
Actually I have to
agree with Owen on this David,
14
00:01:13,344 --> 00:01:15,915
I think our feelings
towards last year competition
15
00:01:16,015 --> 00:01:18,795
is very simular to Prins Andrew
feelings towards verdict,
16
00:01:18,795 --> 00:01:21,054
You know, something
we wish we never enter.
17
00:01:23,653 --> 00:01:28,228
Oh.., Come on!
We did all right!?.
18
00:01:28,328 --> 00:01:29,988
We came 54th...
19
00:01:30,088 --> 00:01:31,612
out of 54!
20
00:01:32,105 --> 00:01:34,578
Is that right?
Remember Denfield?
21
00:01:34,678 --> 00:01:37,167
Well, how could one forget
those poor people?
22
00:01:37,267 --> 00:01:40,384
Yes.., who'd have believed that
a lorry-loadof BSE-infected
23
00:01:40,484 --> 00:01:42,968
toxic waste, would crash into
a nuclear fuel tanker
24
00:01:43,068 --> 00:01:47,079
causing a crater 200ft wide
and the evacuation of the village.
25
00:01:47,179 --> 00:01:48,565
And they came 53rd.
26
00:01:51,245 --> 00:01:53,185
Point taken. Let's forget it.
27
00:01:53,433 --> 00:01:56,020
Item five, Frank,
you wanted to say something?
28
00:01:57,782 --> 00:01:59,058
Yes, I do.
29
00:02:01,111 --> 00:02:02,281
No, I don't.
30
00:02:03,356 --> 00:02:05,608
Gripping stuff. Vicar?
31
00:02:05,708 --> 00:02:10,417
Yes.., Next month,
St Barnabas' will be 650 years old
32
00:02:10,517 --> 00:02:12,802
-exactly the same age
as Esther Rantzen.
33
00:02:13,002 --> 00:02:16,288
And, to celebrate,
I've got a licence for one week,
34
00:02:16,388 --> 00:02:19,302
to set up our very own,
local radio station.
35
00:02:19,602 --> 00:02:21,421
Bravo, Mrs God.
36
00:02:21,521 --> 00:02:25,784
It's a chance to drag people away
from television for a week.
37
00:02:25,884 --> 00:02:28,143
Sex, sex, sex -
38
00:02:28,243 --> 00:02:31,651
that's all that's on TV these days.
-Is it?
39
00:02:31,751 --> 00:02:34,335
It is on mine.
I watch the Playboy channel.
40
00:02:37,900 --> 00:02:40,402
I think I'm losing the will to live.
41
00:02:41,710 --> 00:02:44,716
Well, I'll give you all a week
to think up programming ideas.
42
00:02:44,816 --> 00:02:47,718
But I warn you.., I'm streets ahead.
-Listen to this.
43
00:02:47,818 --> 00:02:50,283
#Nothing could be hotter
nothing could be slicker#
44
00:02:50,383 --> 00:02:53,634
#Lock up your sons and dotter
couse here comes the vicar!#
45
00:02:57,245 --> 00:02:59,284
It's a work in progress, obviously.
46
00:03:00,736 --> 00:03:03,416
Very exciting news
about Radio Dibley!
47
00:03:03,916 --> 00:03:05,661
Yes, it is,
isn't it?
48
00:03:05,861 --> 00:03:08,033
I'm thinking of being a shock jock.
49
00:03:10,131 --> 00:03:12,259
Hi everyone.
This is bloody well Radio Dibley!
50
00:03:13,883 --> 00:03:15,360
If you just give me a minute Alice,
51
00:03:15,460 --> 00:03:18,094
I've got to finish off
this crucial sentence here.
52
00:03:18,194 --> 00:03:21,128
Oh, I love your sermons.
Thanks.
53
00:03:21,328 --> 00:03:25,142
They're so clever and...holy.
54
00:03:26,053 --> 00:03:28,100
Let's have a peek.
...No.
55
00:03:28,300 --> 00:03:30,103
No! No! No!
56
00:03:30,205 --> 00:03:33,661
"I love Curly Wurlies because..."
57
00:03:35,402 --> 00:03:38,147
Well.., mm.., look,
the only reason I'm doing that is
58
00:03:38,247 --> 00:03:41,235
because apparently the runner-up
gets a year's supply of chocolate,
59
00:03:41,335 --> 00:03:44,838
which she'd share
with her parishioners, obviously.
60
00:03:44,938 --> 00:03:49,682
I got to finish this sentence
in under ten words. -Oh.
61
00:03:49,782 --> 00:03:53,398
That's easy. I've got it.
Have you? Yeah, yea.
62
00:03:53,498 --> 00:03:57,667
Em.., "I love Curly Wurlies because...
63
00:03:57,767 --> 00:04:02,009
"they're very, very, ..very nice."
64
00:04:03,333 --> 00:04:06,862
Yeah...
I was working on something a bit less
65
00:04:06,962 --> 00:04:09,520
predictable than that.
Okay, I've got it.
66
00:04:09,620 --> 00:04:11,634
Um...re..da...ye.
67
00:04:11,734 --> 00:04:14,252
"..they're very, very, very nice
68
00:04:14,352 --> 00:04:16,447
"with sausages."
69
00:04:18,256 --> 00:04:20,727
Yeah. That's perfect!
Yeah, that's it, Thats the one.
70
00:04:20,727 --> 00:04:22,681
Yea.., do you mind,
Can I write it in later?
71
00:04:22,781 --> 00:04:23,777
-Ok.
72
00:04:25,432 --> 00:04:28,547
So tell me..,
how are things going with Hugo,
73
00:04:28,647 --> 00:04:31,289
you juicy, young bride-to-be, you?
74
00:04:31,389 --> 00:04:32,965
They're lovely.
75
00:04:34,238 --> 00:04:36,936
But I'm a bit gloomy
about his dad though.
76
00:04:37,236 --> 00:04:41,878
He thinks I've got the intellectual
capacity of a prawn sandwich.
77
00:04:42,521 --> 00:04:44,043
When did he say that?!
78
00:04:44,143 --> 00:04:48,128
Just after he said my only value
in life was as an organ donor.
79
00:04:49,543 --> 00:04:50,349
Right.
80
00:04:50,449 --> 00:04:55,009
Maybe I can find a way to show him
that beneath this simple exterior
81
00:04:55,109 --> 00:04:59,924
lies the razor-sharp intellect
of an Andrew Einstein...
82
00:05:00,024 --> 00:05:02,461
Albert!
..Albert Einstein.
83
00:05:04,170 --> 00:05:06,098
Item three, Vicar.
84
00:05:06,198 --> 00:05:10,638
Er...yes. I thought you'd like to
see a copy of our radio schedule.
85
00:05:11,828 --> 00:05:14,646
Sorry about the ideas
I didn't have room for.
86
00:05:14,746 --> 00:05:17,692
For instance,
Frank - Desert Island Desks!
87
00:05:18,951 --> 00:05:21,475
Well., it would be just like
Desert Island Discs,
88
00:05:19,051 --> 00:05:25,432
but I'd choose the eight desks
I've most enjoyed sitting at!
89
00:05:26,495 --> 00:05:30,005
So Frank won't be broadcasting
at all? ..Splendid!
90
00:05:30,592 --> 00:05:33,067
Yes, I will. I'm doing a talk show -
91
00:05:33,237 --> 00:05:36,525
"An Hour Of Frank Talking".
92
00:05:37,379 --> 00:05:40,504
That's me, you understand?
Not someone called Frank Talking.
93
00:05:40,604 --> 00:05:44,080
That would be
"An Hour Of Frank Talking Talking".
94
00:05:45,668 --> 00:05:47,946
Y-yeah..,
Don't peak too soon, Frank.
95
00:05:48,369 --> 00:05:51,925
And the next night is
The Moral Maze with Jim Trott.
96
00:05:52,425 --> 00:05:53,741
What's your subject Jim?
97
00:05:53,841 --> 00:05:57,789
Is sex with poodles
ALWAYS wrong?
98
00:06:00,926 --> 00:06:02,389
I see.
99
00:06:04,555 --> 00:06:08,138
And you've found someone to speak
on both sides of that argument?
100
00:06:08,485 --> 00:06:10,099
He certainly has.
101
00:06:13,007 --> 00:06:15,412
Oh. Oh, oh, look!
This sounds good.
102
00:06:15,512 --> 00:06:17,301
"David Horton In Conversation".
103
00:06:17,450 --> 00:06:20,565
It should give the week
some gravitas David.
104
00:06:20,765 --> 00:06:25,365
Councillor David Horton, MBE,
talks about his life and work
105
00:06:25,465 --> 00:06:27,362
in conversation with Alice Tinker.
106
00:06:27,563 --> 00:06:28,124
What!?
107
00:06:29,536 --> 00:06:31,846
Oh...
She was desperate to be involved.
108
00:06:31,946 --> 00:06:35,406
Then nail her feet to the floor
and use her as a mike stand!
109
00:06:37,071 --> 00:06:39,603
No offence to anyone present,
110
00:06:39,703 --> 00:06:42,422
but that girl is the most pointless
thing ever put on the planet,
111
00:06:42,522 --> 00:06:45,748
with the possible exception
of the Pope's testicles department.
112
00:06:46,722 --> 00:06:48,523
Aah!
113
00:06:48,623 --> 00:06:49,977
Well.., moving on.
114
00:06:50,734 --> 00:06:53,041
I thought we could finish
the week with a bang
115
00:06:53,141 --> 00:06:54,710
and have the village quiz.
116
00:06:56,026 --> 00:06:59,386
I know, I know, David has
won it for the last few years.
117
00:06:59,486 --> 00:07:01,886
-The last 27 years.
The last 27 years!
118
00:07:01,986 --> 00:07:04,555
But I'm sure we can find him
a worthy opponent.
119
00:07:04,655 --> 00:07:09,064
Yes.. I've learnt every single answer
from last year's contest,
120
00:07:09,264 --> 00:07:12,536
so...
this year I can get them right!
121
00:07:14,245 --> 00:07:17,304
And what about if the
questions are different Jim?
122
00:07:18,168 --> 00:07:19,684
Oh...sod it!
123
00:07:21,606 --> 00:07:24,219
So I'm sure
some genius will emerge.
124
00:07:24,319 --> 00:07:25,641
And to add more excitement,
125
00:07:25,741 --> 00:07:29,682
I've added a prize for
Best Broadcaster of the Week.
126
00:07:30,200 --> 00:07:32,277
Hurrah!
....What's the prize?
127
00:07:32,377 --> 00:07:34,885
A think of
book token's always...
128
00:07:34,985 --> 00:07:39,247
..boring and unwelcome isn't it,
so it CERTAINLY won't be that!
129
00:07:39,347 --> 00:07:42,316
It'll be seriously sensational.
130
00:07:42,416 --> 00:07:46,239
It's perfectly simple!
All I got to do is to find
131
00:07:46,339 --> 00:07:50,465
a prize everyone in the village
would die for ...in this box...
132
00:07:50,965 --> 00:07:53,446
of total rubbish.
133
00:07:53,546 --> 00:07:55,101
I love it!
134
00:07:56,419 --> 00:07:58,130
O-oh!
135
00:07:58,230 --> 00:08:01,055
Oh, this takes me back.
136
00:08:02,828 --> 00:08:05,124
Are they gospel singers?
137
00:08:06,752 --> 00:08:09,257
No..
I see your thinking, but no.
138
00:08:09,357 --> 00:08:11,947
A boy called Peter gave me this.
139
00:08:12,047 --> 00:08:15,479
Look., "From Peter Rabbit
to his Flopsy Bunny".
140
00:08:15,579 --> 00:08:20,777
Aah! "Thank you for letting me
fill your burrow". Yeah. Right.
141
00:08:22,126 --> 00:08:24,530
How sweet!
-Yeah.
142
00:08:24,530 --> 00:08:26,046
Alice. Hmm.
143
00:08:26,046 --> 00:08:28,985
I got to have a little talk about
your interview with Mr Horton.
144
00:08:29,085 --> 00:08:33,752
I've been working really hard on
some really probing questions.
145
00:08:33,852 --> 00:08:35,026
Right...
146
00:08:35,353 --> 00:08:40,029
Yes, look. Right. "Councillor
David Horton of Dibley, sir."
147
00:08:40,129 --> 00:08:43,842
"If you could meet
any character from fiction,
148
00:08:43,942 --> 00:08:46,656
which Womble would it be?"
149
00:08:48,773 --> 00:08:50,384
That's fabulous. Isn't it..?
-Yeah.
150
00:08:50,823 --> 00:08:52,122
Will you answer that Alice?
151
00:08:52,222 --> 00:08:54,331
I got to find something
befor the meeting.
152
00:08:56,285 --> 00:08:58,664
Hiya, Am..,
This isn't the vicar speaking
153
00:08:58,764 --> 00:09:00,968
so I can't help you at all.
154
00:09:03,368 --> 00:09:06,265
Oh I see. Yea, yea, I'll tell her.
-Hold on.
155
00:09:06,365 --> 00:09:09,480
Am.., It's the people from
that Curly Wurly competition.
156
00:09:10,560 --> 00:09:13,095
You didn't win the chocolates.
157
00:09:13,195 --> 00:09:15,483
-..That's just my luck.
158
00:09:15,583 --> 00:09:18,263
I knew mentioning
orgasms was a mistake!
159
00:09:20,033 --> 00:09:22,062
You.., you won their first prize...
160
00:09:22,162 --> 00:09:24,541
a holiday to Disneyland, Paris!
161
00:09:24,641 --> 00:09:26,606
Don't be stupid, Alice!
162
00:09:27,706 --> 00:09:29,354
Hello, Geraldine Grainger here.
163
00:09:30,499 --> 00:09:34,119
I won their first prize!
A holiday to Disneyland, Paris.
164
00:09:34,219 --> 00:09:37,282
You haven't! -I have.
Thank you very much.
165
00:09:38,310 --> 00:09:39,306
Cheers, mate.
166
00:09:42,098 --> 00:09:45,447
Right...
Price for the best broadcast.
167
00:09:46,016 --> 00:09:48,338
Any luck Vicar,
or can we asume this idea
168
00:09:48,438 --> 00:09:50,267
is another defunct duck.
169
00:09:50,467 --> 00:09:54,513
Mm.. probably yea..,
I meen, all I manage to get,
170
00:09:54,513 --> 00:09:57,713
is two tickets for a luxury
weekend in Disneyland Paris,
171
00:09:57,813 --> 00:10:00,721
with �500 spending money
172
00:10:02,078 --> 00:10:03,604
-Thank you.,
-Thank you..
173
00:10:03,704 --> 00:10:05,215
Not bad...
174
00:10:05,699 --> 00:10:07,377
So we have a Price,
Hallelujah....
175
00:10:07,477 --> 00:10:08,894
Moving on., item 7
176
00:10:08,994 --> 00:10:10,155
No, stop item 7,
177
00:10:10,255 --> 00:10:12,773
I'm going to practice
my microphone technique.
178
00:10:12,873 --> 00:10:14,289
-Me too...
179
00:10:16,122 --> 00:10:19,128
Right., we got 1 minute togo,
let me just check everybody knows
180
00:10:19,228 --> 00:10:20,786
what they doing,
Owen you are...??
181
00:10:20,886 --> 00:10:23,654
The sound man, man...
-Right...
182
00:10:23,754 --> 00:10:26,757
And Alice, you're...
-Alice.
183
00:10:26,857 --> 00:10:27,785
Doing what?
184
00:10:27,885 --> 00:10:32,395
..I'm just kneeling here.
-You're manning the phones, ..yes?
185
00:10:32,495 --> 00:10:36,800
And you two are...
-We're your posse ..Yes.
186
00:10:37,040 --> 00:10:40,123
What does it mean
if the red light's on?
187
00:10:40,958 --> 00:10:42,400
You're a prostitute.
188
00:10:45,235 --> 00:10:46,845
We're on air.
189
00:10:46,945 --> 00:10:48,310
What!
-Bloody hell!
190
00:10:50,155 --> 00:10:53,440
What are you doing?!
-You said we're on air. Not now!
191
00:10:56,345 --> 00:10:58,094
Now!
192
00:10:58,194 --> 00:11:01,452
Three, two, one...
193
00:11:04,556 --> 00:11:06,944
It's the first time
I've noticed it,
194
00:11:07,044 --> 00:11:09,456
but the vicar's got
a very nice arse!
195
00:11:10,500 --> 00:11:11,389
-Shh!!
196
00:11:13,443 --> 00:11:16,605
Hello.. and welcome
to Radio Dibley.
197
00:11:16,705 --> 00:11:19,013
I'm Geraldine Grainger,
and I'm inviting you...
198
00:11:19,113 --> 00:11:21,941
I'm sorry about that, Vicar.
-All right.
199
00:11:22,041 --> 00:11:25,692
I didn't mean to mention
your arse on the radio.
200
00:11:25,792 --> 00:11:27,468
All right..
Thank you.
201
00:11:27,568 --> 00:11:32,449
Let's kick off with the phone-in.
You have your chance to tell me...
202
00:11:32,549 --> 00:11:34,823
When d'you want the jingle?
Well you missed it already!
203
00:11:34,923 --> 00:11:36,126
-Bugger!
204
00:11:36,315 --> 00:11:40,008
Your chance to ring in
with your memories of Dibley.
205
00:11:40,108 --> 00:11:42,682
Bugger! Bugger!
Bugger! Bugger! Bug...
206
00:11:43,774 --> 00:11:48,657
So please, ring in on 5216.
Share with us your magical memories.
207
00:11:50,182 --> 00:11:50,985
Wah!
208
00:11:53,849 --> 00:11:58,053
Memories of some of the big events
that have happened in Dibley.
209
00:11:58,291 --> 00:12:01,042
It doesn't even have to be
interesting, frankly.
210
00:12:02,487 --> 00:12:06,458
Um... P'raps.., I don't know,
the first time you saw a dog!
211
00:12:07,423 --> 00:12:10,357
Or any recent tummy-aches.
-I've just... Not you!
212
00:12:11,724 --> 00:12:14,004
We're eager to share them with you.
213
00:12:14,694 --> 00:12:18,879
So please do... Yes, yes, yes.
Thank you, God.
214
00:12:18,960 --> 00:12:22,781
We have a caller on line one.
Hello, caller.
215
00:12:22,871 --> 00:12:24,751
'Vicar, is that you?'
216
00:12:24,851 --> 00:12:25,994
It is indeed.
217
00:12:26,094 --> 00:12:30,248
Is that David Horton, local
councillor, chairman of the parish?
218
00:12:30,348 --> 00:12:32,186
You know bloody well who it is.
219
00:12:32,286 --> 00:12:35,245
I'm ringing about this
interview tomorrow.
220
00:12:35,345 --> 00:12:37,498
David, I should warn you,
we are on...
221
00:12:37,598 --> 00:12:39,617
'I'm cancelling.,
-I'm sorry.'
222
00:12:39,717 --> 00:12:42,831
I don't want that Alice moron
asking me damn fool questions.'
223
00:12:43,170 --> 00:12:43,990
...David..
224
00:12:44,090 --> 00:12:48,237
It's no good saying you'll get someone
else, couse frankly, they're all zombies -
225
00:12:48,337 --> 00:12:52,996
Frank, Newitt, Jim - I got sheep that
would do a more probing interview.
226
00:12:54,248 --> 00:12:57,236
They're idiots to a man. Have to
cancel. Talk to you later.
227
00:12:57,336 --> 00:13:00,627
David., just before you go,
just between you and me,
228
00:13:01,375 --> 00:13:02,440
how are your haemorrhoids?
229
00:13:04,148 --> 00:13:07,425
Well....
'Terrible, if you must know.'
230
00:13:07,525 --> 00:13:10,437
Aah. Really painful,
very embarrassing?
231
00:13:10,573 --> 00:13:13,445
Little bit like a bunch of grapes
hanging out of your bottom?
232
00:13:15,360 --> 00:13:17,323
'Yes.
Well.. It is, actually.'
233
00:13:17,423 --> 00:13:20,014
My lavatory hasn't known what
hit it in the last few weeks.
234
00:13:20,262 --> 00:13:25,419
Aah... Well., thank you,
David "Haemorrhoid" Horton
235
00:13:25,519 --> 00:13:29,781
for sharing that with us live
on the Dibley Radio phone-in.
236
00:13:31,020 --> 00:13:33,300
Anything else you'd like to add?
237
00:13:38,494 --> 00:13:42,948
And this is Rory Bremner
now., using my real voice.
238
00:13:45,269 --> 00:13:48,862
I bet I had you all fooled, eh?
Ha, ha, ha, ha...
239
00:13:48,949 --> 00:13:51,181
"Zombies"! He's got a nerve.
240
00:13:51,281 --> 00:13:53,337
No, no, no, no!
That's right.
241
00:13:53,437 --> 00:13:56,051
I'm not gonna watch
his show any more.
242
00:13:56,151 --> 00:13:58,808
Nor me!
-Bloody Bremner!
243
00:14:04,709 --> 00:14:08,976
This is Hugo 'hot dog' Horton playing
your requests from my collection
244
00:14:09,076 --> 00:14:11,786
The next up,
this is Laura of Sunny wiew farm.
245
00:14:11,886 --> 00:14:14,636
Saying -Please play something
to chear up my husband.
246
00:14:14,736 --> 00:14:17,682
He's not being well,
but it looks like the new pills
247
00:14:17,782 --> 00:14:21,211
are now taking effect. Well..,
now, that is wonderful to hear
248
00:14:21,311 --> 00:14:23,429
And here is a favorite
of mine from last year
249
00:14:23,529 --> 00:14:27,144
It's the Verve, and there hit,
'Drugs don't work'
250
00:14:29,300 --> 00:14:32,245
#It's Hugo Horton,
with music that's important#
251
00:14:37,869 --> 00:14:39,155
Heh! Hey, what's the matter?
252
00:14:39,992 --> 00:14:42,815
Well.., I can't believe
my future father-in-law
253
00:14:42,915 --> 00:14:45,647
described me as a moron
to the whole village.
254
00:14:45,747 --> 00:14:49,094
Oh, that! Don't...
Don't worry about that!
255
00:14:49,194 --> 00:14:52,403
To lots of people
"moron" is a friendly word,
256
00:14:52,503 --> 00:14:55,280
like, "How are you,
me old moron?!"
257
00:14:56,025 --> 00:14:57,740
It can be very affectionate.
258
00:14:57,840 --> 00:15:02,197
You know, like, "I love you,
you little moron."
259
00:15:03,000 --> 00:15:06,709
Be that as it may,
I'm determined to prove him wrong.
260
00:15:07,689 --> 00:15:12,253
I've hatched a plan.
-I won't raise my hopes too high.
261
00:15:12,353 --> 00:15:15,087
I'll take him on
at the quiz.
262
00:15:20,230 --> 00:15:22,366
You are funny!
263
00:15:22,466 --> 00:15:23,539
That's what I love about you,
264
00:15:23,639 --> 00:15:26,616
that naughty, scampy
impish sense of humour.
265
00:15:26,716 --> 00:15:28,679
You're serious,
..aren't you?
266
00:15:29,148 --> 00:15:32,767
Ohh.., you agree with David,
you think I'm a moron too
267
00:15:32,867 --> 00:15:33,881
No!
268
00:15:33,981 --> 00:15:37,617
No! No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
269
00:15:37,717 --> 00:15:38,283
No!
270
00:15:39,672 --> 00:15:40,520
No?
271
00:15:41,146 --> 00:15:45,186
No. I think it's a
...very good idea.
272
00:14:54,707 --> 00:15:48,298
Ask me a question,
any question you like.
273
00:15:48,465 --> 00:15:51,501
Er.., right,
..what's the capital of France?
274
00:15:51,601 --> 00:15:53,073
Er... "F"
275
00:15:54,009 --> 00:15:55,259
Eh?
276
00:15:55,429 --> 00:15:59,283
The beginning of France is a
capital letter and it's "F".
277
00:16:00,043 --> 00:16:02,624
I smell victory.
-Yes!
278
00:16:04,077 --> 00:16:05,705
Almost time for me to go now.
279
00:16:05,805 --> 00:16:09,520
But first, a request from
Mr Brown of The Chestnuts,
280
00:16:09,620 --> 00:16:13,801
who says he's lost his wife.
Bit careless of you, Mr Brown!
281
00:16:15,248 --> 00:16:17,463
Oh... I see.
282
00:16:17,563 --> 00:16:20,257
Anyway.., he says
he'd like Joan Sutherland
283
00:16:20,357 --> 00:16:23,991
singing "Ave Maria" -
it always moves him to tears.
284
00:16:24,091 --> 00:16:28,432
But I haven't got that,
so here's a saucy little number
285
00:16:28,532 --> 00:16:30,390
that always gets my eyes watering.
286
00:16:29,490 --> 00:16:33,495
It's by Louise
and she's..."Naked".
287
00:16:39,472 --> 00:16:42,420
Hugo.., look, you got
to have a word with your father,
288
00:16:42,520 --> 00:16:44,675
he's being really,
really horrid to Alice.
289
00:16:44,775 --> 00:16:47,815
I know, but what can I do?
He's got a bee in his bonnet.
290
00:16:47,915 --> 00:16:49,686
Every time I mention her
he says,
291
00:16:49,786 --> 00:16:50,655
"You know as well as I do-
292
00:16:50,755 --> 00:16:52,939
"Alice is as thick
as two short planks,
293
00:16:53,036 --> 00:16:54,771
glued together
with stupid glue.
294
00:16:54,871 --> 00:16:58,002
"It's less activity in her brain
than in Cliff Richard's pants."
295
00:17:01,298 --> 00:17:05,062
Oh, no! Big, big, big disaster!
Huge!
296
00:17:05,162 --> 00:17:07,227
I'd better follow her.
Can you take over?
297
00:17:10,240 --> 00:17:11,975
I could go off you!
298
00:17:15,655 --> 00:17:18,000
As the song says,
"Things can only get better."
299
00:17:18,100 --> 00:17:20,921
Hello, it's the Frank Pickle Hour.
300
00:17:22,312 --> 00:17:24,036
Spoke too soon.
301
00:17:27,017 --> 00:17:28,953
Father,
can I have a word?
302
00:17:29,053 --> 00:17:32,383
I'm in a bit of a rotten state
and I need to talk.
303
00:17:32,483 --> 00:17:34,637
Of course you can, Hugo.
304
00:17:34,737 --> 00:17:37,950
If you can't talk to your father,
who can you talk to?
305
00:17:38,050 --> 00:17:39,841
Only be quick, I've got a lot to do.
306
00:17:39,941 --> 00:17:42,178
Well...
I'll have to hurry you.
307
00:17:42,278 --> 00:17:46,939
I-I-It's about Alice.
I've had enough.
308
00:17:47,039 --> 00:17:49,536
Haven't we all?!
309
00:17:49,636 --> 00:17:51,270
She's monstrous!
310
00:17:51,370 --> 00:17:54,821
I-I-I mean I've had enough
of you getting at her.
311
00:17:54,821 --> 00:17:57,182
I know she's not academic...
312
00:17:57,282 --> 00:17:58,452
Academic!
313
00:17:58,552 --> 00:18:01,628
Last week she asked why
they need a Foreign Secretary
314
00:18:01,728 --> 00:18:05,029
in the cabinet when so many
English girls can do shorthand.
315
00:18:07,972 --> 00:18:10,394
Yes, but you know she's very
good on things she knows about,
316
00:18:10,494 --> 00:18:13,150
like the Church and Jesus.
317
00:18:13,250 --> 00:18:15,646
Oh.. Yes...
she knows all about Jesus.
318
00:18:15,746 --> 00:18:17,893
Last week she told me
she's got all his records.
319
00:18:18,400 --> 00:18:19,458
Really?
320
00:18:19,558 --> 00:18:21,519
She says
he's one of The Carpenters.
321
00:18:23,404 --> 00:18:25,488
There IS more to life
than being clever.
322
00:18:25,588 --> 00:18:29,123
There's being good
and true and loving.
323
00:18:29,223 --> 00:18:30,617
I don't deny it,
324
00:18:30,717 --> 00:18:34,146
and I have fully accepted
that you will marry her.
325
00:18:34,246 --> 00:18:38,344
But don't expect me
ever to concede
326
00:18:38,444 --> 00:18:41,846
that she is anything
but a genetic throwback
327
00:18:41,946 --> 00:18:45,838
who belongs in a pond
with her fellow tadpoles.
328
00:18:47,022 --> 00:18:48,589
Now, if you will excuse me...
329
00:18:53,924 --> 00:18:54,955
Come on!
330
00:18:55,055 --> 00:18:57,338
Let's listen to the radio.
That'll cheer us up.
331
00:18:57,438 --> 00:19:00,743
'Coming up soon -
the Frank Pickle Hour.'
332
00:19:02,006 --> 00:19:03,187
Spoke too soon.
333
00:19:04,102 --> 00:19:07,345
Right...
You're on in 50 seconds, Frank.
334
00:19:07,345 --> 00:19:10,406
I need to hear a little bit for level.
What did you have for breakfast?
335
00:19:11,095 --> 00:19:12,228
Toast!
336
00:19:12,328 --> 00:19:15,517
Yea... I need a little
bit more than that.
337
00:19:15,617 --> 00:19:17,134
So, just make something up,
you know..,
338
00:19:17,234 --> 00:19:18,573
let your imagination run wild.
339
00:19:19,000 --> 00:19:19,884
Wild...
340
00:19:20,800 --> 00:19:21,869
Great.
341
00:19:22,493 --> 00:19:23,887
Two pieces of toast.
342
00:19:25,970 --> 00:19:29,297
Right. Perfect. You're on.
God bless us all.
343
00:19:31,570 --> 00:19:32,414
Hello.
344
00:19:33,529 --> 00:19:34,963
I'm Frank Pickle.
345
00:19:35,444 --> 00:19:36,911
And I'll be here...
346
00:19:38,226 --> 00:19:39,587
for the next hour.
347
00:19:40,277 --> 00:19:43,022
Or maybe a little longer, in fact,
348
00:19:43,122 --> 00:19:46,125
because I have to put my coat on
afterwards
349
00:19:46,825 --> 00:19:50,884
and say goodbye to the vicar,
which should take a few minutes.
350
00:19:51,652 --> 00:19:54,547
Anyway, I'll be with you...
351
00:19:55,397 --> 00:19:58,177
for...quite some time.
352
00:19:59,011 --> 00:20:00,276
So I'll start...
353
00:20:00,832 --> 00:20:04,512
by telling you something
I think you'll find...
354
00:20:04,612 --> 00:20:06,769
very interesting.
355
00:20:11,202 --> 00:20:14,173
I first discovered I was gay...
356
00:20:23,666 --> 00:20:26,260
..when I was 18...
357
00:20:26,961 --> 00:20:31,596
and I fell in love with a young
farm hand called Justin.
358
00:20:36,634 --> 00:20:38,720
He was beautiful.
359
00:20:42,472 --> 00:20:47,165
I've been trying to tell you,
dear friends, for 20 years,
360
00:20:48,145 --> 00:20:49,559
but it's tricky.
361
00:20:50,311 --> 00:20:52,720
That's the lovely thing about radio.
362
00:20:53,287 --> 00:20:56,340
Speaking into this microphone, here,
363
00:20:56,740 --> 00:20:58,215
alone tonight,
364
00:20:58,896 --> 00:21:00,439
I can say things
365
00:21:00,934 --> 00:21:04,058
I could never say to you
face to face.
366
00:21:04,871 --> 00:21:07,137
I'm sure they'll understand, Frank.
367
00:21:07,731 --> 00:21:10,775
I mean, Owen always goes
on about Julian Clary.
368
00:21:11,413 --> 00:21:15,402
He said he should be strung up
by his privates and shot.
369
00:21:16,314 --> 00:21:19,154
Ye-es, but in an affectionate way.
370
00:21:19,951 --> 00:21:21,670
Now, be brave.
371
00:21:22,110 --> 00:21:23,139
Evening, Owen.
372
00:21:23,239 --> 00:21:24,057
Evening, Vicar.
373
00:21:24,591 --> 00:21:27,649
Hello, Frank.
Helluva show last night.
374
00:21:27,996 --> 00:21:30,922
Brilliant.
Most enlightening, Frank.
375
00:21:32,521 --> 00:21:34,714
Thank you. Thank you.
376
00:21:36,644 --> 00:21:38,936
You're such dear friends.
377
00:21:40,886 --> 00:21:43,743
Excuse me a moment.
I need a minute to gather myself.
378
00:21:44,941 --> 00:21:48,294
Well, you've made an old man
very happy.
379
00:21:48,394 --> 00:21:50,902
I'm proud of you guys.
...I really am.
380
00:21:51,002 --> 00:21:52,442
I thought we better
say something.
381
00:21:52,542 --> 00:21:54,051
Didn't want him worrying
all evening. -No...
382
00:21:54,609 --> 00:21:58,391
One thing, a little detail.
Did anyone hear his show?
383
00:21:58,491 --> 00:21:59,648
Good God, no!
384
00:21:59,748 --> 00:22:00,551
Certainly not!
385
00:22:00,651 --> 00:22:01,697
Must be joking!
386
00:22:01,797 --> 00:22:03,053
No way, Jose!
387
00:22:03,975 --> 00:22:04,959
Thought not.
388
00:22:05,059 --> 00:22:07,181
Let's get on.
...Frank!
389
00:22:12,630 --> 00:22:14,436
Well..., yes.
390
00:22:14,536 --> 00:22:17,047
Any matters before business?
391
00:22:17,147 --> 00:22:20,332
Yes, I like to congratulate
the Vicar on this week,
392
00:22:20,432 --> 00:22:22,834
Radio Dibley brought
the hole village together
393
00:22:22,934 --> 00:22:25,070
and I think its down to her.
-Oh., Thank you Owen.
394
00:22:25,170 --> 00:22:26,156
Yea, yea..,
395
00:22:26,256 --> 00:22:30,023
I couldn't wish the price of
a trip to Disney Land
396
00:22:30,123 --> 00:22:34,476
to be awarded by a more
vise and wonderful Lady.
397
00:22:34,576 --> 00:22:37,193
Ahh...
Penny dropping now..
398
00:22:37,293 --> 00:22:41,658
Yes.., not only a very vise
and beutiful Lady
399
00:22:41,758 --> 00:22:45,511
but also a very sexy lady.
400
00:22:46,483 --> 00:22:51,966
And I like her to except this
small token of my appreciation
401
00:22:52,738 --> 00:22:54,436
And I like her,
402
00:22:54,536 --> 00:22:59,678
to except this much bigger
token of MY appreciation.
403
00:22:59,778 --> 00:23:01,527
Gentlemen, gentlemen.....
404
00:23:01,498 --> 00:23:04,324
I like you to accept this
also as a token....
405
00:23:04,324 --> 00:23:08,162
Yes, look.., I hope that you
dont think that gifts like this,
406
00:23:08,262 --> 00:23:09,648
is going to sway me...
407
00:23:09,748 --> 00:23:11,369
No...
well, how about this,
408
00:23:11,469 --> 00:23:15,316
very large box of
fresh cream Belgian truffles?
409
00:23:17,167 --> 00:23:19,865
Ohh-wa, well..
410
00:23:19,965 --> 00:23:24,677
I-I cant deny Owen, that your
"abort onbord bying flease"
411
00:23:24,777 --> 00:23:28,532
was brodcasting on
the very highest sta..
412
00:23:28,632 --> 00:23:32,038
What am I talking about?
It was oral tripe.
413
00:23:32,138 --> 00:23:34,714
No I'm sorry everybody,
I'm just gonna have to be
414
00:23:34,814 --> 00:23:37,424
compleatly onest about this..
-Well I'v have these back then...
415
00:23:39,322 --> 00:23:42,625
-Jim..? No no no no,
-Oh..., thank's.
416
00:23:42,725 --> 00:23:44,896
They were past there
"sell buy" date anyway...
417
00:23:45,901 --> 00:23:48,506
-October 53....
418
00:23:49,069 --> 00:23:51,228
I appulous your prisipals Vicar.
419
00:23:51,595 --> 00:23:54,381
-Well I'm just glad you weren't
temted to join in David.
420
00:23:54,481 --> 00:23:57,029
Oh, no..
Some of us have integrity..
421
00:23:57,129 --> 00:23:59,028
-So., we take this
home again then Pa..?
422
00:24:01,501 --> 00:24:02,336
He, he, he, he....
423
00:24:04,452 --> 00:24:05,336
Well Vicar..,
424
00:24:05,436 --> 00:24:07,738
see you at tomorrow's quiz.
-Yes.
425
00:24:07,838 --> 00:24:09,172
Now David, as you know,
426
00:24:09,272 --> 00:24:12,690
Alice Tinker is your challenger.
And you will be gentle?!
427
00:24:12,790 --> 00:24:15,219
Oh., I'd absolutley love to
be, but your forgeting
428
00:24:15,319 --> 00:24:18,244
the Horton motto, which
I'm afraid I must abide by.
429
00:24:18,344 --> 00:24:19,467
Which is?
430
00:24:19,567 --> 00:24:22,897
Veni, vidi,
spurius brutus detruncavi.
431
00:24:22,997 --> 00:24:24,143
Which means?
432
00:24:24,243 --> 00:24:28,489
I came, I saw, I tore
the thick bastards limb from limb.
433
00:24:29,481 --> 00:24:32,315
Right. I see.
It's war...
434
00:24:43,381 --> 00:24:44,997
And how's Alice in Dunderland?
435
00:24:45,097 --> 00:24:47,701
Ready to take me on?
-Absolutely.
436
00:24:49,027 --> 00:24:50,890
Fear not,
my little moron.
437
00:24:51,246 --> 00:24:54,065
Three, two, one.
-You're on.
438
00:24:54,165 --> 00:24:57,462
Hello.. and welcome to our final, special programme
439
00:24:57,659 --> 00:24:59,023
- Brain Of Dibley -.
440
00:24:59,123 --> 00:25:03,310
#Tune into Dibley radio
For fun with the holy lady-o.#
441
00:25:04,590 --> 00:25:08,960
Our contestants are the reigning
champion, Councillor David Horton,
442
00:25:09,060 --> 00:25:12,802
MBE, MA, FRCS.
443
00:25:13,481 --> 00:25:16,147
And the challenger, Alice Tinker,
444
00:25:16,247 --> 00:25:19,392
GCSE, PMT, TTFN.
445
00:25:24,977 --> 00:25:28,250
And tonight's quiz,
has a local.. flavour.
446
00:25:28,350 --> 00:25:31,669
So.., let's kick off.
And., fingers on the buttons.
447
00:25:33,000 --> 00:25:35,772
That's the button
on the table, ..Alice.
448
00:25:35,872 --> 00:25:36,974
H-hmm.
449
00:25:38,365 --> 00:25:41,011
Question One for ten points.
450
00:25:41,111 --> 00:25:44,259
Who lives in Dibley Manor House?
451
00:25:44,673 --> 00:25:45,822
I do.
452
00:25:45,922 --> 00:25:48,480
Ooh! Sorry, David., hadn't quite
finished the question there.
453
00:25:48,580 --> 00:25:51,633
Five-point penalty.
....Hugo.
454
00:25:52,815 --> 00:25:54,881
So that's over to Alice now.
455
00:25:54,981 --> 00:25:59,778
Who lives in Dibley Manor House
WITH David Horton?
456
00:26:02,376 --> 00:26:04,053
Hugo Horton.
457
00:26:04,153 --> 00:26:05,200
Correct!
458
00:26:08,861 --> 00:26:13,557
And Question Two. Which famous
singer once opened the Dibley Fete?
459
00:26:14,265 --> 00:26:15,065
Kylie Minogue.
460
00:26:15,165 --> 00:26:18,552
Ooo.., Sorry, David.
It's a two-part question.
461
00:26:19,201 --> 00:26:22,565
Another five-point penalty,
..I'm afraid, there, ..for you.
462
00:26:22,765 --> 00:26:26,461
So, Alice, which famous singer
opened the Dibley Fete
463
00:26:26,561 --> 00:26:31,656
AND which Dibley resident
is her biggest fan?
464
00:26:33,437 --> 00:26:35,132
It's Kylie Minogue.
-Mmm.
465
00:26:35,232 --> 00:26:37,854
And Hugo Horton.
466
00:26:37,954 --> 00:26:40,344
Ye-es!
467
00:26:42,430 --> 00:26:44,015
Well.., this is surprising.
468
00:26:44,115 --> 00:26:46,286
I thought you'd be
doing better, ...David.
469
00:26:47,867 --> 00:26:49,102
Had you heard that
your haemorrhoids
470
00:26:49,202 --> 00:26:51,079
aren't affecting your
performance, Councillor?
471
00:26:51,958 --> 00:26:55,445
And now....,
questions about the Tinker family.
472
00:26:55,545 --> 00:26:56,578
Oh, my God!
473
00:26:57,000 --> 00:26:58,082
For ten points,
474
00:26:58,182 --> 00:27:02,213
which Tinker was commonly
known as ..Donkey-Bonker?
475
00:27:04,363 --> 00:27:07,496
And so to our final scores tonight.
476
00:27:07,596 --> 00:27:12,691
Councillor David Horton has clawed
his way back up to...nil.
477
00:27:12,891 --> 00:27:15,213
That's...nil.
478
00:27:15,857 --> 00:27:19,921
While Miss Alice Tinker
has 245 points.
479
00:27:21,236 --> 00:27:22,444
So...
480
00:27:23,070 --> 00:27:26,782
the incontrovertible winner
of this year's Brain Of Dibley
481
00:27:26,862 --> 00:27:29,145
is...,
-Miss Alice Tinker-.
482
00:27:32,190 --> 00:27:34,862
And I think it would be just lovely,
if the runner-up,
483
00:27:34,962 --> 00:27:36,642
'Just to show there's
no hard feelings',
484
00:27:36,742 --> 00:27:39,111
were to present the cup,
to the winner.
485
00:27:41,792 --> 00:27:43,900
Um... Yes...
-All right.
486
00:27:44,440 --> 00:27:45,492
There we go.
487
00:27:47,206 --> 00:27:48,173
-Thank you very much...
488
00:27:48,273 --> 00:27:50,639
-With a word
of congratulation.
489
00:27:51,744 --> 00:27:54,827
Er... Yes, All right.
490
00:27:55,142 --> 00:27:57,040
Congratulations on your victory.
491
00:27:57,140 --> 00:27:57,990
Thanks.
492
00:27:58,762 --> 00:28:00,795
And now
you can can kiss her.
493
00:28:02,436 --> 00:28:04,450
Properly, please.
Remember this IS radio,
494
00:28:04,553 --> 00:28:06,808
and our listeners
will want to hear it.
495
00:28:13,266 --> 00:28:14,057
Oh, Daddy!
496
00:28:21,024 --> 00:28:26,503
Bravo! And the winner
of the broadcasting prize is,
497
00:28:26,503 --> 00:28:29,655
of course,
our resident cool dude,
498
00:28:29,755 --> 00:28:33,719
Mr Hugo "Hot Dog" Horton.
499
00:28:35,817 --> 00:28:37,322
And on that happy note,
500
00:28:37,422 --> 00:28:40,775
it's farewell from Radio Dibley.
Hit it, Newitt!
501
00:28:40,875 --> 00:28:44,574
#Oh, damn! Oh, blow!
Radio Dibley's got to go.#
502
00:29:14,772 --> 00:29:16,671
So, there's this man vicar...
-Oh?!
503
00:29:16,771 --> 00:29:20,884
Yeah. He's playing golf with
his friend John. -John. Yeah.
504
00:29:20,984 --> 00:29:24,243
And John misses a three-foot putt.
-Oh, dear....
505
00:29:24,343 --> 00:29:27,252
Yes. And he says,
"Damn it! I Missed the bugger!"
506
00:29:27,352 --> 00:29:30,700
And the vicar says,
"Say that once more-
507
00:29:30,800 --> 00:29:35,034
-and God will send down a
thunderbolt and strike you dead."
508
00:28:35,134 --> 00:29:38,728
Well, The next thing that happens,
-John misses a two-foot putt.
509
00:29:38,828 --> 00:29:41,137
He says,
"Damn! Missed the bugger!"
510
00:29:41,237 --> 00:29:42,130
-Oh...
-Yes,
511
00:29:42,230 --> 00:29:45,927
So a giant thunderbolt comes
down and strikes the vicar dead.
512
00:29:46,027 --> 00:29:47,320
And God says,
513
00:29:47,420 --> 00:29:49,166
"Damn it!
Missed the bugger!"
514
00:29:51,874 --> 00:29:52,637
No, no, no...
515
00:29:52,737 --> 00:29:56,498
That can't be right, can it?
Because God wouldn't miss.
516
00:29:56,598 --> 00:29:57,748
-Yes, it's God..
517
00:29:57,848 --> 00:29:59,856
I mean, even if they stood
REALLY close,
518
00:29:59,956 --> 00:30:02,665
he'd hit the right one,
and he wouldn't swear.
519
00:30:02,687 --> 00:30:05,562
It's a very tiny brain in there,
isn't it?
39693
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