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1
00:00:32,572 --> 00:00:35,293
You know that stuff that they
selling now in the local shop.
2
00:00:35,393 --> 00:00:38,621
Wich stuff?
I can't believe it's not butter.
3
00:00:39,857 --> 00:00:40,677
Oh, yes....
4
00:00:40,777 --> 00:00:44,736
Well, you know....,
I can't believe it's not butter.
5
00:00:45,457 --> 00:00:47,865
Yeah, well
I believe that's the idea.
6
00:00:47,965 --> 00:00:50,534
Then yesterday..,
I went to Crookenden and
7
00:00:50,534 --> 00:00:53,113
I bought this other stuff,
like a sort of 'home brand'.
8
00:00:53,453 --> 00:00:55,520
Yes....
And, you know,
9
00:00:55,620 --> 00:00:59,083
I can't believe it's not
'I Can't Believe It's Not Butter'.
10
00:01:00,090 --> 00:01:04,416
Hmmm.......
I'm losing you now.
11
00:01:04,916 --> 00:01:08,094
Oh, Right. Well, you know
'I Can't Believe It's Not Butter'...
12
00:01:08,291 --> 00:01:10,107
Yeah, yeah,
you think it is butter?
13
00:01:10,207 --> 00:01:13,671
No, no, I mean, you know the
stuff I can't believe is not butter
14
00:01:13,771 --> 00:01:16,019
is called
'I Can't Believe It's Not Butter'.
15
00:01:16,119 --> 00:01:17,640
Probably,
yeah, yeah...
16
00:01:18,341 --> 00:01:20,704
Well, I can't believe
the stuff that's not
17
00:01:20,804 --> 00:01:22,561
'I Can't Believe It's Not Butter'
18
00:01:22,661 --> 00:01:24,754
is NOT
'I Can't Believe It's Not Butter'
19
00:01:25,078 --> 00:01:28,068
And I can't believe..
that both
20
00:01:28,168 --> 00:01:30,220
'I Can't Believe It's Not Butter'
AND the stuff that
21
00:01:30,320 --> 00:01:33,240
I can't believe is not
'I Can't Believe It's Not Butter'
22
00:01:33,340 --> 00:01:35,203
are both, in fact, not butter!
23
00:01:36,632 --> 00:01:41,123
And I believe.......
they both might be butter...
24
00:01:42,610 --> 00:01:45,203
....in a cunning disguise.
25
00:01:45,568 --> 00:01:47,616
And in fact, there's
a lot more butter around
26
00:01:47,716 --> 00:01:49,696
than we all thought there was.
27
00:01:50,246 --> 00:01:54,785
Yeah.... You see.. I don't know
what you're talking about,
28
00:01:55,385 --> 00:01:58,362
but I'm sure God does and is
intrigued by the hole thing.
29
00:01:58,702 --> 00:02:02,292
One thing I do know, though.
What? This is not butter.
30
00:02:02,740 --> 00:02:05,252
This is clotted cream.
Do you know where it's going?
31
00:02:05,352 --> 00:02:08,352
-In here?
No, in MY mouth pot now!
32
00:02:10,165 --> 00:02:11,841
Uh-uh.
33
00:02:14,034 --> 00:02:19,594
Mmmm... Sorry, mouth's not big
enough, surprisingly. Come on in.
34
00:02:24,409 --> 00:02:25,864
God got a lot of things right.
35
00:02:25,964 --> 00:02:28,040
I mean men's bottoms
are lovely, aren't they,
36
00:02:28,367 --> 00:02:31,360
but he really should have made
mouths scone-sized I think.
37
00:02:31,460 --> 00:02:32,949
So, how can I help you?
38
00:02:34,109 --> 00:02:36,344
It's our little Karl...
Yeah.
39
00:02:36,724 --> 00:02:39,744
..I'm afraid he's passed away.
40
00:02:40,702 --> 00:02:43,643
Oh, dear... I'm so sorry.
41
00:02:43,980 --> 00:02:45,247
It was rather sudden.
42
00:02:46,521 --> 00:02:49,518
We wonder if you would be able
to do the funeral tomorrow?
43
00:02:50,177 --> 00:02:54,421
Yes, yes, of course. D'you mind
me asking how old was Karl?
44
00:02:54,955 --> 00:02:57,490
He was just three...
45
00:02:57,590 --> 00:03:01,598
Oh, dear. Look, would you like
to come in? No, no.
46
00:03:02,071 --> 00:03:07,065
Thank you very much, Vicar. Right.
I'll see you tomorrow. Take care.
47
00:03:13,166 --> 00:03:16,634
How could I have said that
about men's bottoms?!
48
00:03:17,343 --> 00:03:21,320
I mean, they're not lovely.
Most of them are just horrible.
49
00:03:22,147 --> 00:03:26,621
My brother's bottom looks like
Willie Whitelaw, chewing toffee!
50
00:03:28,618 --> 00:03:33,778
Oh, God...
Oh, Alice, that poor woman!
51
00:03:35,095 --> 00:03:37,529
Imagine wanting to
burying him tomorrow.
52
00:03:37,629 --> 00:03:40,508
Don't people cope
with death in strange ways?
53
00:03:40,608 --> 00:03:42,545
Oh, they certainly do.
54
00:03:42,751 --> 00:03:46,827
When my father died, my mom
cracked open a bottle of champagne
55
00:03:46,927 --> 00:03:48,712
and went strait to Majorca.
56
00:03:49,811 --> 00:03:51,752
Well, that was probably
cos she hated him.
57
00:03:54,965 --> 00:03:58,892
Dear Lord, you have seen fit
to take Karl from us.
58
00:03:59,383 --> 00:04:03,199
We commend his soul to you
and pray that you welcome him
59
00:04:03,299 --> 00:04:04,869
into the kingdom of heaven.
60
00:04:06,100 --> 00:04:11,123
It's hard to understand why Felix
felt it necessary to eat Karl,
61
00:04:11,738 --> 00:04:15,423
especially since he'd just devoured
an entire tin of Whiskas.
62
00:04:19,614 --> 00:04:22,852
In the name of the Father
63
00:04:22,952 --> 00:04:27,187
and of the Son
and of the Holy Goose...
64
00:04:30,149 --> 00:04:31,549
Amen.
65
00:04:34,467 --> 00:04:36,363
It's mad, isn't it, Alice?
66
00:04:36,463 --> 00:04:40,850
People genuinely love their animals
more than they love each other.
67
00:04:41,383 --> 00:04:44,203
Animals are nicer than humans.
68
00:04:44,403 --> 00:04:46,449
Yep. Good point, Wonderland.
69
00:04:49,159 --> 00:04:53,124
I remember when my budgie
'Carrot' first died...
70
00:04:54,077 --> 00:04:57,074
I was absolutely heartbroken.
71
00:04:57,415 --> 00:05:00,476
He was the only animal
I'd not been allergic to.
72
00:05:01,613 --> 00:05:04,065
When he first died?
That's right...
73
00:05:04,165 --> 00:05:10,157
cos he died and then two days later
he came back to life again.
74
00:05:10,689 --> 00:05:15,172
Ye-es. A bit like Jesus,
but with feathers.
75
00:05:16,446 --> 00:05:20,144
Then he died twice the next year.
Both times, came back to life again.
76
00:05:20,484 --> 00:05:23,322
Are you sure he absolutely did die?
77
00:05:23,543 --> 00:05:27,066
Oh, yeah.
Fell off his perch an' everything.
78
00:05:27,681 --> 00:05:28,865
We buried him.
79
00:05:31,897 --> 00:05:33,315
Just out of interest,
80
00:05:33,415 --> 00:05:36,635
what did he look like
when he came back to life?
81
00:05:36,796 --> 00:05:40,803
Well, he always looked a bit
different, but I mean...
82
00:05:42,874 --> 00:05:46,862
what would you expect
because, after all, he had died.
83
00:05:49,110 --> 00:05:52,451
Yeah...
you don't think, Alice,
84
00:05:52,551 --> 00:05:56,313
that perhaps your affectionate,
but technically insane mother
85
00:05:57,648 --> 00:06:02,044
just bought you a new budgie each
time so you wouldn't be too sad?
86
00:06:04,013 --> 00:06:04,999
What...?
87
00:06:06,342 --> 00:06:10,682
Poor Carrot actually did die?
Yeah.
88
00:06:13,718 --> 00:06:16,758
And little Carrot also died...
89
00:06:16,857 --> 00:06:18,837
Yeah.
90
00:06:19,576 --> 00:06:21,896
And Carrot?
91
00:06:24,190 --> 00:06:28,198
Look, come on, come on...
92
00:06:28,298 --> 00:06:31,156
We'll pray for all of them,
the whole bunch of Carrots.
93
00:06:34,888 --> 00:06:36,202
Hey, Alice...
94
00:06:36,302 --> 00:06:38,674
Look!
Look!
95
00:06:41,085 --> 00:06:44,013
Right, I've had a letter
from Florence Glover...
96
00:06:44,113 --> 00:06:45,364
That poor woman!
97
00:06:46,123 --> 00:06:48,480
That husband of hers
is a monster.
98
00:06:48,580 --> 00:06:53,620
The most unpleasant man that lived
in the village. What's the news then?
99
00:06:53,720 --> 00:06:54,848
He's dead.
100
00:06:57,457 --> 00:07:01,062
Finally, the pumpkin show
is on Saturday week.
101
00:07:02,401 --> 00:07:05,001
All entries
should be in by Friday night.
102
00:07:05,154 --> 00:07:07,401
Well I think
I got you this year, Jim.
103
00:07:07,523 --> 00:07:10,100
It's a big orange bastard
104
00:07:10,200 --> 00:07:12,707
No-no-no-no-no
not a chance.
105
00:07:12,807 --> 00:07:15,673
They don't call you
'No Hope Newitt' for nothing!
106
00:07:15,973 --> 00:07:18,215
All right, children!
107
00:07:18,467 --> 00:07:20,231
If there isn't any AOB,
108
00:07:20,331 --> 00:07:22,329
the Addams Family
is on TV tonight
109
00:07:22,529 --> 00:07:26,599
and I'd like to spend
some time with normal folk.
110
00:07:26,699 --> 00:07:30,110
Well...actually, there is one thing.
I'll catch it on video.
111
00:07:30,210 --> 00:07:34,119
I'm planning a special service
for the animals of the village.
112
00:07:34,219 --> 00:07:37,606
Ooh, Sheba and Fishcake
will be pleased.
113
00:07:39,637 --> 00:07:40,804
I beg your pardon?
114
00:07:41,004 --> 00:07:45,186
I know you'll all think
I'm Miss PMT 1994,
115
00:07:45,674 --> 00:07:50,042
but this IS a country parish
and people just adore their animals.
116
00:07:50,202 --> 00:07:53,233
So why not let St.Barnabas
be an ark for the morning?
117
00:07:53,333 --> 00:07:57,708
And Jim, you can be Noah.
No-no-no-no....
118
00:07:57,808 --> 00:08:02,422
Noah... Yeah...
Sounds barking mad to me.
119
00:08:02,705 --> 00:08:03,902
Yes, I think the vicar
120
00:08:04,002 --> 00:08:06,526
can do what she chooses
with her own church.
121
00:08:06,626 --> 00:08:08,689
Perhaps we can return to this
at the next meeting.
122
00:08:08,789 --> 00:08:10,744
We meet again
in a fortnight.
123
00:08:12,441 --> 00:08:17,006
Oh, Vicar, I wonder if you could
drop by after lunch tomorrow.
124
00:08:17,106 --> 00:08:18,314
Little chat.
125
00:08:18,414 --> 00:08:21,636
Certainly.
I'd invite you for lunch,
126
00:08:21,736 --> 00:08:24,185
but Hugo is cooking
and his food tastes like manure.
127
00:08:24,285 --> 00:08:25,180
Doesn't it, Hugo?
128
00:08:26,654 --> 00:08:28,802
Sorry, Father? Your food!
What does it taste like?
129
00:08:28,902 --> 00:08:30,865
Oh, absolute poo,
I'm afraid.
130
00:08:31,332 --> 00:08:33,889
See you after lunch.
-Yes.
131
00:08:38,308 --> 00:08:39,754
God It's cold out here.
132
00:08:39,854 --> 00:08:41,901
You should put
your horse in the stable, David.
133
00:08:42,001 --> 00:08:43,353
Looks like it's got
a great big stalactite
134
00:08:43,453 --> 00:08:47,279
hanging between its legs!
Afternoon, Vicar.
135
00:08:50,142 --> 00:08:54,123
I must say, David...
Oh, cheers.
136
00:08:54,223 --> 00:08:57,703
I really appreciate your support
on this whole animal thing.
137
00:08:57,803 --> 00:09:03,036
When I arrived, I thought you and I
would fight like Richard and Judy.
138
00:09:03,956 --> 00:09:09,121
But now, something warm and cuddly
and a bit Mr Kipling's happening.
139
00:09:10,073 --> 00:09:11,978
Well, I'm delighted about that.
140
00:09:15,470 --> 00:09:19,719
Port? Oh, yes. Bugger the gout!
Who needs two legs?
141
00:09:21,800 --> 00:09:24,263
Well actually,
there is one little thing
142
00:09:24,363 --> 00:09:27,098
I wanted to say about
this animal service idea.
143
00:09:27,198 --> 00:09:29,554
Excellent. All ideas welcome.
144
00:09:29,654 --> 00:09:32,901
Are you absolutely and
totally bollocking crazy?
145
00:09:34,001 --> 00:09:35,078
Pardon?
146
00:09:35,178 --> 00:09:38,062
Are you seriously going to let
animals into our church?
147
00:09:38,162 --> 00:09:42,667
Er, yes, I am. I think it's
a great idea. People love animals.
148
00:09:42,817 --> 00:09:45,094
People also love food mixers.
149
00:09:45,256 --> 00:09:47,886
But there very few of us pressing
the Archbishop of Canterbury
150
00:09:47,986 --> 00:09:50,982
for a special communion
for the Moulinex Magicmaster!
151
00:09:51,333 --> 00:09:55,432
Are you hinting that
you're not keen on it?
152
00:09:55,532 --> 00:09:59,445
Have you thought it through?
Is there to be any limit on size?
153
00:09:59,545 --> 00:10:04,761
Is a hippopotamus allowed?
There aren't any hippos here...
154
00:10:04,861 --> 00:10:07,484
Well... Apart from Mrs Stanfield!
155
00:10:07,584 --> 00:10:12,542
Do nits get a blessing?
Are fleas to be excluded?
156
00:10:12,642 --> 00:10:17,361
Should we bring our free-range eggs
to have the unborn chickens blessed,
157
00:10:18,471 --> 00:10:20,669
....before we go home
to scramble them?
158
00:10:20,869 --> 00:10:24,107
For a big chap, David,
you're being very childish.
159
00:10:24,107 --> 00:10:25,763
I'M being childish?!
160
00:10:25,863 --> 00:10:29,465
I'm not the one who's going
to bless the ickle-wickle hamster!
161
00:10:31,014 --> 00:10:32,610
I mean, for heaven's sake,
162
00:10:32,710 --> 00:10:36,098
what if your congregation
start eating each other?
163
00:10:36,371 --> 00:10:38,575
Any animal caught
swallowing another animal,
164
00:10:38,675 --> 00:10:40,940
will be pretty sternly
ticked off.
165
00:10:42,673 --> 00:10:45,348
And that is before we consider
hygiene.
166
00:10:45,448 --> 00:10:49,216
One of the joys of
having humans in church
167
00:10:49,316 --> 00:10:51,643
is that they tend
to be house-trained!
168
00:10:51,743 --> 00:10:56,085
Well, I don't deny there may be
one or two puddly accidents.
169
00:10:56,702 --> 00:10:59,775
If Mrs Fothergill's
parakeet gets escapes
170
00:10:59,875 --> 00:11:03,682
we'll be wearing protective
headgear for the rest of our lives!
171
00:11:03,782 --> 00:11:07,471
I'm sorry, I just can't talk to you.
172
00:11:07,571 --> 00:11:09,996
Who will you talk to?
The animals?
173
00:11:10,175 --> 00:11:14,444
Even Jesus, who had damn
whacky ideas, didn't bless animals.
174
00:11:14,466 --> 00:11:17,113
Donkeys, he rode them.
Fish, he ate them...
175
00:11:17,213 --> 00:11:21,059
Hello, Vicar. Splendid idea
about the service. Out!
176
00:11:21,359 --> 00:11:26,047
Absolutely. Saucepans to scrub.
I don't... Now...
177
00:11:26,147 --> 00:11:27,546
Just one question...Vicar.
178
00:11:27,646 --> 00:11:31,689
Teddy bears...
Someone was asking me.
179
00:11:31,789 --> 00:11:33,000
Will they be welcome?
180
00:11:33,100 --> 00:11:36,868
Abso-bloody-lutely, Hugo!
Yes, they will.
181
00:11:37,000 --> 00:11:40,865
Splendid. Yes I better be going too.
I got a doctor friend popping by...
182
00:11:40,965 --> 00:11:43,049
Perhaps you've heard of him.
Doolittle! Lovely chap.
183
00:11:44,379 --> 00:11:46,709
Do me one favour, Vicar.
184
00:11:46,809 --> 00:11:51,585
Try not to publicise this fiasco
outside our poor little village.
185
00:11:51,685 --> 00:11:56,098
And do look up the word
"laughing-stock" in your dictionary.
186
00:11:56,198 --> 00:12:01,624
I'm also going to look up "lips go
unattractively thin when angry"!
187
00:12:14,484 --> 00:12:16,697
Can I speak to
the Bishop's office please?
188
00:12:21,021 --> 00:12:23,458
So, You're really having
animals in church, are you?
189
00:12:23,558 --> 00:12:25,236
Oh, Yes-yes,
we are.
190
00:12:25,336 --> 00:12:28,633
Will gerbils take communion?
-Oh, gosh!
191
00:12:28,733 --> 00:12:31,371
It's like Blockbusters.
192
00:12:31,895 --> 00:12:34,349
You'd have to ask the vicar.
193
00:12:34,449 --> 00:12:37,273
Oh, Vicar..This man's asking
about the service.
194
00:12:37,373 --> 00:12:40,236
Oh! Have we met?
No, I'm an admirer.
195
00:12:40,366 --> 00:12:42,287
I've got a bulldog myself.
196
00:12:42,387 --> 00:12:45,436
Nags me every sunday
to take him to church!
197
00:12:45,536 --> 00:12:49,804
He's fond of the Mass in Latin.
You're taking the mickey.
198
00:12:49,904 --> 00:12:53,183
No, everyone at the paper
is really excited about it.
199
00:12:53,283 --> 00:12:56,979
Sheep singing hymns.
Brilliant idea, isn't it?
200
00:12:57,283 --> 00:13:01,268
Can we have a picture?
What...? Oh, my God!
201
00:13:05,959 --> 00:13:09,720
Have you SEEN this?
No. What?
202
00:13:11,757 --> 00:13:17,214
WHAT? What is it?
Oh, my God!
203
00:13:17,314 --> 00:13:19,767
Who is THAT?
That's Jabba The Hut!
204
00:13:19,872 --> 00:13:25,098
"In the name of the Father, the Son
and the Holy Goat. Baa-men!"
205
00:13:25,310 --> 00:13:28,197
And listen, they've written
a special prayer for you.
206
00:13:28,387 --> 00:13:32,249
"Our Father, who art in doggie
heaven, hallowed be Thy mane.
207
00:13:32,349 --> 00:13:35,376
"Thy kingdom come,
Thy Pedigree Chum..."
208
00:13:35,476 --> 00:13:38,785
"On earth as it is in...."
-For heaven's sake!
209
00:13:38,885 --> 00:13:40,446
And you're actually quoted
as saying that
210
00:13:40,546 --> 00:13:43,382
gerbils WILL
be given holy communion.
211
00:13:43,482 --> 00:13:46,002
I tell you, if that young journalist
comes near me again,
212
00:13:46,102 --> 00:13:49,972
you'll see me wearing a pair of
testacle-shaped earrings!
213
00:13:50,757 --> 00:13:52,347
What I actually said...
214
00:13:52,447 --> 00:13:57,091
The point is that you shouldn't
have said anything at all!
215
00:13:57,154 --> 00:14:00,623
Well I know that.. But they didn't
have horns and tails,
216
00:14:00,723 --> 00:14:02,863
so we didn't realise
they were from the tabloids!
217
00:14:03,211 --> 00:14:07,501
The trouble is...
that you don't realise anything.
218
00:14:07,929 --> 00:14:09,871
You're good woman
with a good heart,
219
00:14:09,971 --> 00:14:13,105
but you should be running
a cake stall, not a church.
220
00:14:13,746 --> 00:14:16,127
And I'm afraid, dear lady,
the time has come,
221
00:14:16,227 --> 00:14:18,003
for the sake of this community,
222
00:14:18,403 --> 00:14:22,035
for me to begin proceedings
to have you replaced.
223
00:14:23,102 --> 00:14:25,557
What?!
I'll see myself out.
224
00:14:29,439 --> 00:14:31,332
(Oh, God!)
225
00:14:32,977 --> 00:14:35,183
Have you seen...?
Yes, I have.
226
00:14:35,883 --> 00:14:39,996
I haven't been so depressed since
David Bowie married a stick insect.
227
00:14:41,003 --> 00:14:46,818
Oh, well, that's it. We'll have to
cancel. Everybody's laughing at us.
228
00:14:46,918 --> 00:14:50,051
No.
Some people are laughing at us.
229
00:14:50,688 --> 00:14:53,931
But if I'd stopped doing things
cos people were laughing,
230
00:14:54,031 --> 00:14:56,277
I'd have stood
stock still all my life.
231
00:14:56,845 --> 00:15:00,131
The problem is Big Chief
David Wigwamhead
232
00:15:00,231 --> 00:15:02,166
is genuinely
on the warpath.
233
00:15:02,323 --> 00:15:06,781
I could be paddle-less up a creek
that rhymes with Britt!
234
00:15:07,598 --> 00:15:10,166
Don't worry, I'll stick by you.
235
00:15:10,726 --> 00:15:14,448
I can be a pretty scary opponent,
as Gavin Hart discovered
236
00:15:14,548 --> 00:15:16,863
when he tried to look up my pants
in the playground.
237
00:15:18,815 --> 00:15:21,517
I stabbed him in the head
with a protractor!
238
00:15:23,614 --> 00:15:24,935
Ooh, that's a nice one.
239
00:15:25,132 --> 00:15:27,271
Are you going to
the animal service Jim?
240
00:15:27,371 --> 00:15:30,275
No-no-no-no-no...I haven't
made up my mind yet.
241
00:15:30,375 --> 00:15:34,895
I don't like missing
Little House On The Prairie!
242
00:15:36,086 --> 00:15:39,020
How about you, Letitia?
Oh, yes.
243
00:15:39,425 --> 00:15:44,143
The question is whether to bring
the snails for my new recipe.
244
00:15:44,243 --> 00:15:48,020
Oh?....
What recipe is that?
245
00:15:48,120 --> 00:15:50,578
Bread And Butter Pudding Surprise.
246
00:15:53,558 --> 00:15:55,410
Oh dear,
I just trod in something brown
247
00:15:55,510 --> 00:15:57,552
and it's certainly not chocolate cake.
248
00:15:58,252 --> 00:16:00,097
Are you going to
the animal service Owen?
249
00:16:00,197 --> 00:16:03,665
Ah, well, I don't know you see.
I might not be fit for it.
250
00:16:03,893 --> 00:16:09,665
After all the drinking to celebrate
my great pumpkin victory.
251
00:16:10,800 --> 00:16:13,910
Some hope! From what I hear
your pumpkins
252
00:16:14,010 --> 00:16:16,757
are no-no-no bigger
than your balls!
253
00:16:16,903 --> 00:16:23,376
Well, then, I'd better be getting
myself some larger underpants. Ooh!
254
00:16:23,423 --> 00:16:27,103
Well, no-no-no-no
not so bad, I suppose.
255
00:16:27,203 --> 00:16:31,090
Well, if you'll excuse me...
256
00:16:33,599 --> 00:16:35,370
Have you heard
the rumour by the way?
257
00:16:35,470 --> 00:16:39,839
Mr Horton is trying to get
the vicar the sack.
258
00:16:39,939 --> 00:16:44,152
I don't believe it!
No! Come on in, Jim!
259
00:16:44,952 --> 00:16:47,275
Second place isn't so bad.
260
00:16:52,127 --> 00:16:55,030
Germany came second in the war,
they done allright.
261
00:16:55,130 --> 00:16:59,208
Good. Then you'll enjoy
being number two.
262
00:16:59,384 --> 00:17:00,678
Da-daa!
263
00:17:02,504 --> 00:17:04,531
Well, bugger me!
264
00:17:06,403 --> 00:17:10,430
It's time the vicar did something
about your bad language.
265
00:17:10,530 --> 00:17:13,581
Ooh, it is a big bugger though,
isn't it?
266
00:17:16,098 --> 00:17:18,637
Have you heard the rumours
that's going around?
267
00:17:18,737 --> 00:17:21,018
Look, sorry Alice, but If it's got
anything to do with butter,
268
00:17:21,118 --> 00:17:22,487
I'm really not interested. No...
269
00:17:26,493 --> 00:17:32,024
Hiya... Oh, hello.
How are you?
270
00:17:32,124 --> 00:17:35,553
Fine... Well, I've been having
a bit of a trouble with a verruca,
271
00:17:35,653 --> 00:17:38,313
but the big scab
fell off today so it's better.
272
00:17:38,413 --> 00:17:42,909
Yes, she's here. May I just say
you looked gorgeous
273
00:17:43,009 --> 00:17:46,177
in that frock you were wearing
the last time you were here.
274
00:17:46,277 --> 00:17:50,224
Yeah, right, she's here.
Loads of love. A-B-Y-S-S-I-N-I-A.
275
00:17:50,801 --> 00:17:52,550
Who is it? The bishop.
276
00:17:53,820 --> 00:17:55,760
What?! The bishop.
277
00:17:56,318 --> 00:18:00,164
Bertie, hi.
Gerry here.
278
00:18:00,864 --> 00:18:05,210
Sorry about that... Lobotomy, yes.
Very slow progress, sadly.
279
00:18:05,374 --> 00:18:09,434
So how can I help you?
David Horton's been calling you...
280
00:18:09,534 --> 00:18:11,538
He's a total nutter, isn't he?
281
00:18:12,451 --> 00:18:14,702
One of your dearest friends,
right.
282
00:18:15,802 --> 00:18:20,721
No, he does represent the feelings
of a large sector of the community.
283
00:18:20,821 --> 00:18:21,777
Point taken.
284
00:18:22,306 --> 00:18:26,795
Right. Well, thanks for the tip-off.
Big love to Luigi...
285
00:18:27,123 --> 00:18:30,686
Oh, Ivan?
Lovely!
286
00:18:32,388 --> 00:18:34,342
Great... OK, then. Bye.
287
00:18:34,720 --> 00:18:39,464
Did he tell you not to do
the service then? Not as such, no.
288
00:18:40,037 --> 00:18:44,606
But he did say if it backfired,
I'd have to take the consequences.
289
00:18:45,297 --> 00:18:47,394
I'm sure it will be fine.
290
00:18:48,494 --> 00:18:50,842
Like when you were sure
you'd win the Krypton Factor?
291
00:18:55,311 --> 00:18:59,070
It actually is the worst idea
in the history of the world.
292
00:19:02,547 --> 00:19:05,067
I certainly shouldn't be eating
this...
293
00:19:05,467 --> 00:19:10,141
Last time I felt this bad,
I ate 562 Crunchies in one night.
294
00:19:10,241 --> 00:19:13,767
That was fine, until I washed them
down with that tin of treacle.
295
00:19:14,180 --> 00:19:18,639
OD'd on sugar, woke up in
a disgusting position on the sofa.
296
00:19:21,037 --> 00:19:24,282
Oh, God!
Sorry I'm so gloomy.
297
00:19:24,382 --> 00:19:27,486
Sorry I always say "Oh, God!"
when I am gloomy!
298
00:19:27,586 --> 00:19:32,294
Oh, God!
Look, if it is a disaster tomorrow,
299
00:19:32,392 --> 00:19:36,571
if it's the eccelesiastical equivalent
of LaToya Jackson's nose,
300
00:19:37,310 --> 00:19:38,850
you will lend me a hand, won't you?
301
00:19:40,328 --> 00:19:42,669
I like it here...
302
00:19:57,656 --> 00:20:00,692
Oh, no...!
303
00:20:33,218 --> 00:20:35,190
What could I have been thinking of?
304
00:20:35,290 --> 00:20:38,571
I don't even like animals,
particularly pets!
305
00:20:38,561 --> 00:20:43,226
There's always that one last poo
that you can smell but can't find.
306
00:20:43,917 --> 00:20:48,417
Until come winter,
you put your wellies on...gli-i-ch!
307
00:21:10,137 --> 00:21:14,900
Right, let's go. Face the
total ignominy of a church empty
308
00:21:15,000 --> 00:21:17,341
apart from you, me
and one very religious rat.
309
00:21:19,000 --> 00:21:20,587
What are you grinning about?
310
00:21:21,599 --> 00:21:23,895
You look like Sissy Spacek
on ecstasy!
311
00:21:35,773 --> 00:21:37,321
Unbelievable!
312
00:21:37,421 --> 00:21:39,336
Morning, Vicar. Morning.
313
00:21:41,369 --> 00:21:44,425
So.....,
instead of going to the service,
314
00:21:44,525 --> 00:21:48,535
we'll..., sit here and do nothing.
Correct. Brilliant!
315
00:21:48,726 --> 00:21:51,928
All though I may drift along at the
end to take photos for the bishop.
316
00:21:52,028 --> 00:21:52,028
Bravo! Superb plan!
317
00:21:59,781 --> 00:22:03,381
Oh, look at this one!
Oh... Can I see?
318
00:22:03,479 --> 00:22:07,431
Look at his little face.
What's his name? Satan.
319
00:22:07,531 --> 00:22:12,844
Satan...? Right, good...
Well, I hope he enjoys the sermon.
320
00:22:13,544 --> 00:22:15,444
Rather brave of him
to come at all, really.
321
00:22:19,048 --> 00:22:21,880
Although... Yes?
A-actually...
322
00:22:24,769 --> 00:22:26,814
Actually...
Well, spit it out, boy.
323
00:22:28,727 --> 00:22:34,487
Actually, I'm not sure it IS
such a ripping plan...in fact.
324
00:22:35,570 --> 00:22:39,438
I beg your pardon?
Well, it seems to me...
325
00:22:39,661 --> 00:22:45,668
that sitting here doing, if you'll
pardon my French, sod tout
326
00:22:45,768 --> 00:22:50,358
is in fact
a pretty damn poor idea,
327
00:22:50,458 --> 00:22:53,600
in comparison to taking
old Bruno up to the church
328
00:22:53,700 --> 00:22:55,398
to thank God
for the animals,
329
00:22:55,590 --> 00:22:59,360
upon which the economic and social
life of our village is based,
330
00:22:59,571 --> 00:23:04,019
and thanks to whom the lonely
and old people, aren't lonely
331
00:23:05,069 --> 00:23:06,326
and don't feel old,
332
00:23:06,426 --> 00:23:09,638
Evan though most should
have been buried before the war.
333
00:23:09,238 --> 00:23:13,136
And I'm talking about
the Boer War here!
334
00:23:14,205 --> 00:23:18,017
In fact, I suspect
it's just being proud
335
00:23:18,482 --> 00:23:22,087
and waging a rather childish war
against Mrs God.
336
00:23:22,501 --> 00:23:26,127
It's not so much a good plan
as the worst plan
337
00:23:26,227 --> 00:23:28,093
since Hitler's dad said to his mum,
338
00:23:28,193 --> 00:23:31,140
"Let's go upstairs, Brunhilde.
I'm feeling a little saucy tonight."
339
00:23:39,112 --> 00:23:43,958
You do what you think is right then.
Right, fair enough.
340
00:23:45,130 --> 00:23:46,230
Classic.
341
00:23:51,866 --> 00:23:56,641
Ladies, gentlemen and others,
just before we go inside,
342
00:23:56,741 --> 00:23:58,805
I'd like you all to
join me in a prayer.
343
00:24:01,353 --> 00:24:06,179
Dear Lord, who rode into Jerusalem
on the back of a faithful donkey,
344
00:24:06,279 --> 00:24:09,443
bless all these wonderful creatures
here today.
345
00:24:09,858 --> 00:24:13,927
Give them shiny coats
and full udders and tasty milk.
346
00:24:14,555 --> 00:24:21,224
And let one of them win the
Grand National next year - 200/1.
347
00:24:21,324 --> 00:24:23,352
Amen.
348
00:24:31,247 --> 00:24:35,047
Come on, Bruno! Let's go!
That's a good boy.
349
00:24:39,568 --> 00:24:41,508
In for a penny,
in for a pound.
350
00:24:41,608 --> 00:24:45,526
Come on, Patricia, off to church.
You lazy old thing!
351
00:24:45,626 --> 00:24:46,876
And don't argue!
352
00:24:57,734 --> 00:25:01,140
Hi...
Oh, sorry, sorry!
353
00:25:04,193 --> 00:25:06,304
Now let us start with
our first hymn, shall we..
354
00:25:06,404 --> 00:25:09,711
which is, of course, the classic -
All Things Bright And Beautiful.
355
00:25:50,379 --> 00:25:52,874
Please be seated.
.....Sit!
356
00:25:53,328 --> 00:25:56,852
Sit!....
Thank you.
357
00:25:57,963 --> 00:26:00,887
At this point it's traditional
to pray for the Royal Family.
358
00:26:00,987 --> 00:26:06,408
But today, Dear Lord, we pray
for the Royal Family's animals.
359
00:26:06,508 --> 00:26:09,861
For the Queen's corgis,
Prinsess Anne's horses,
360
00:26:09,860 --> 00:26:13,554
and for anything that gets sat on
by the Duchess of York!
361
00:26:21,354 --> 00:26:27,045
# And they call it puppy lo-ove
362
00:26:27,145 --> 00:26:32,368
# Oh, I guess they'll never kno-ow
363
00:26:34,479 --> 00:26:39,368
# How a young heart really fee-eels
364
00:26:40,005 --> 00:26:45,591
# And why I love you so-o. #
365
00:26:47,779 --> 00:26:49,899
And the blessing
of God Almighty,
366
00:26:49,999 --> 00:26:52,823
the Father, the Son
and the Holy Spirit
367
00:26:53,098 --> 00:26:55,750
be among you
and remain with you always.
368
00:26:57,079 --> 00:26:59,367
Well,
that's all we've got time for.
369
00:26:59,467 --> 00:27:03,226
Thank you for coming,
especially you.
370
00:27:03,326 --> 00:27:04,836
Baa-aaa!
371
00:27:04,936 --> 00:27:09,131
I'd also like to thank most of you
for behaving so well.
372
00:27:09,431 --> 00:27:11,115
For not biting each other,
373
00:27:11,215 --> 00:27:15,028
and for holding off from going
to the loo for a hole hour!
374
00:27:15,128 --> 00:27:17,736
And thanks to the animals
for the same!
375
00:27:34,891 --> 00:27:36,225
Yes, and the same to you.
376
00:27:36,325 --> 00:27:38,458
Bye.
Bye.
377
00:27:40,936 --> 00:27:42,483
It's wonderful, isn't it?
378
00:27:44,104 --> 00:27:46,836
It does make one wonder,
....yes.
379
00:27:49,232 --> 00:27:51,998
Right, that's everyone gone...
380
00:28:28,700 --> 00:28:30,055
I haven't got any more
religious jokes,
381
00:28:30,155 --> 00:28:32,620
but I suppose I've got
a couple of animal ones.
382
00:28:32,720 --> 00:28:37,136
Oh! hurrah.. OK, then,
-Why did the lobster blush?
383
00:28:37,648 --> 00:28:40,847
..Why?
Because the SEAWEED.
384
00:28:41,486 --> 00:28:46,517
Because the seaweed what?
Because the SEA-WEED.
385
00:28:46,104 --> 00:28:49,889
..Did what?
No, no, listen.
386
00:28:49,989 --> 00:28:54,689
The lobster was in the sea, right?
And the sea-WEED.
387
00:28:54,789 --> 00:28:56,770
WEED! Oh-h-h!
388
00:28:58,358 --> 00:29:01,946
Oh, dear, oh, dear!
What?
389
00:29:02,046 --> 00:29:04,879
That is the rudest thing
I have EVER heard.
31964
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