Original subtitles

I call this Dibley Parish Council meeting to order. Do we have any apologies?

No-no-no-no-no-no, yes.

Jim?

No-no, yes.

I'm sorry I missed yesterday's bridge evening.

You needn't apologise for that.

No-no-no-no-no-no. I WANT to.

No. "Apologies" mean you only have to apologise for not being here.

But I AM here.

I could go away, if you like...

and then come back and apologise

for not bein' here next time.

Moving on.

Item Two - mindless vandalism.

As you probably know, we have an outbreak of graffiti in the village.

Oh, yes, I saw that. I don't think you're a prat, Mr Horton.

We also seem to have acquired a village pus office.

Are you keeping up, Frank? Yes. "Horton's a total prat!"

Sorry I'm late. I was reading an interesting theory about St John's Gospel.

Apparently, it was written by someone called Susan. Amazing!

Sorry to report that last night's bridge evening, arranged by Frank, was a disaster.

But this village is known for community spirit

which we will demonstrate at the autumn fair

which I shall be organising.

I'm sure we'll equal last year's £270.

Yes, yes. Is that all you got?

I've seen BRAS that cost more than that.

It's not Live Aid. We did just dip below the £60 million last time(!)

The woman's right. All that effort for 200 quid.

I propose we all bung in 40 quid now and forget the whole thing.

It does bring the village together.

Thinking, "What a pain in the arse this is!"

No, no, I'm all in favour of the fair.

We just need it to make more cash.

Does Sir Geraldine Geldof have any ideas how to raise our first mill(?)

Well, let's start at the top. The crucial thing is who opens it.

Yes! Start off with a pompous nobody, you're doomed.

I bet you were scuppered last year by a complete local zero.

Can anyone remember who it was?

It was me.

"David - a pompous nobody."

We'd probably pull a bigger crowd with someone famous.

Churchill! Oh, yes.

Winston Churchill. He's very famous.

I was thinking of someone still alive.

Smart thinking, Top Cat. Like a television personality.

Oh! You mean...Michael Fish?

Well, perhaps David IS the perfect choice after all.

No, you have made it quite clear that I am not good enough.

I'm sure that Mr Fish

or his celebrity friends, Mr Vegetable or Mrs Potato, will oblige.

No other business? We meet in a fortnight.

How about Jack from House Of Elliot? He's pretty cool. Yeah.

I'd like Daniel Day Lewis but maybe old boyfriends aren't a good idea.

Edd the Duck? He's pretty charismatic.

Yes!

To think what I've given this village! Dysentery last year when that slurry fell in the river.

A cup for the flower show. The David Horton cup. A bench for the green. The David Horton bench.

A hut for the scouts. The scout hut, "Dedicated to David Horton."

I provided the land for the bowling club. A crucial village amenity!

And what did I get in return?

Money, wasn't it?

I wonder which celebrity she'll get.

Mel Gibson? Kevin Costner? Princess Diana?

Babs just isn't available at all?

What about the other Beverley Sisters?

Babs' daughter could do it? I'm sure she'd be perfect!

Is she a singer? Chiropodist.

Well, that doesn't matter. I'm sure she'll be lovely. Excuse me.

I'm getting excited by the chiropodist daughter of a Beverley Sister! No, no, no.

Hello. I'll have to consult with my committee and get back to you.

Out of interest, what does she charge? Uh-huh.

For the full massage? Excellent.

Thanks. Bye-bye.

Afternoon, Vicar. Oh, hello. Have you got a lovely guest star yet?

Not as such, no. Don't worry.

I had a dream - an angel told me this fair would be wonderful.

Alice, sweetheart,

an angel told you Prince Charles was gonna marry Sinead O'Connor.

I think it's a naughty angel.

But I am gonna help so hard. Oh?

Look. Oh. I've made some soft toys to sell. Ah.

Right, well,

you can see this one's an elephant.

Yes. It's a lovely elephant.

And this is another elephant. Right.

They don't look VERY similar, do they?

Cos that one's an Indian elephant. Right.

You can tell by the ears. Because it's got three, hasn't it?

That's its trunk, silly! Oh.

THAT is a super elephant, with a proper trunk and everything.

That's a giraffe. That's its neck.

You stuffed it with foam? No, pasta. Pasta? Yeah.

I cooked it first so it's all nice and squashy

but they can still stand up and everything. Sort of. Alice,

you haven't read your Epistles.

In St Paul's letter to the Ephesians, he says,

"My brothers, I ask of you only two things. First, love the Lord

"and second, stop using pasta in your soft toys."

No, no.

I've an idea. Why don't we sell these and not tell people what they are?

Let's say they're creatures from another planet. Hey!

KNOCK AT DOOR Let's name it. Yes. Planet Elephant!

Yeah. Or not. I'll put the kettle on.

Good afternoon. Hello, David. Come in.

And Hugo, looking virtually edible in that radical new jacket. Really?

Is flirting taught at theological colleges(?) In second year.

I must put your star guest in the village newsletter.

Not having difficulties?

Well, yes, actually. I had three of the Nolans in the palm of my hand...

Oh, dear. I am mortified.

I had such hopes. I mean, Michael Fish -

Michael Fish!

The Fishster - in our little village(!)

Did you know the vicar went out with Daniel Day Lewis?

No, I didn't! Yeah.

But apparently, they split up.

Well, no wonder he looks so skinny and decided to become a Mohican.

Yeah.

It must be terrible n-not to be with the...the woman you l-love. Oh, yeah.

Terrible that, innit?

I know someone who knows Debbie McGee's gardener.

Come along, Hugo. Sorry, Father. Bye, Vicar. Bye.

Trouble is, I don't know anyone famous. Join the club.

The only showbiz person I know is my second cousin.

His name's Reg Dwight.

His mum, right, got cross at me once

because I pulled his hair to stop him playin' the piano and a whole handful came out.

Reg Dwight...

We called him Baldy!

We stopped seeing that side of the family.

Alice. Mm?

I think it's time you contacted your little cousin. Oh, all right.

It would be nice to see old specky four-eyes again. Look.

You mean he turned into Elton John?!

YE-E-E-E-ES!

God's path is for walking, Alice!

Yes, Mrs Cropley.

VICAR PLAYS PIECE BY BACH

He's written back! He's gonna come!

VICAR PLAYS "Saturday Night's All Right For Fighting" by Elton John

Sad, isn't it, when people fail?

They have their little dreams and just don't quite make it.

Jeremy Bates, Graham Taylor, our vicar. You don't think she's found anyone?

Our vicar has as many connections with the rich and famous as I have with the Black Panther movement(!)

They'll beg me to open the fair!

Elton John! That's pretty good, isn't it, Father? Elton John!

Hi, Handsome. David, how are you?

In perfect health. We're hunky-dory here.

It seemed to me that she lived her life

like a candle in the wind.

No-no-no-no-no no doubt about that.

He's a jolly good name.

It's all down to lovely Alice.

We won't let the sun go down on HER.

I'm running my own stall, too. Creatures from the planet Elton.

That looks like an Indian elephant. Oh, does it?

What about you, Jim? Got a stall? No-no-no-no-no.

No, I'm doing the loud-speaking announcements.

I forget who did it last time.

At least this year we've got a professional judge doin' the flowers

instead of some awful amateur.

Who was it last time? Right. I'll let you get on with it then.

Come on, Hugo. Great giraffe, too. Brilliant, just leaving out the head.

Ah. Now, Vicar, I've heard about these rock star types.

I'm afraid he'll be expectin' someone to supply some drugs.

Ye-es.

I've been asking down the pub,

and no-one seems to have any heroin.

D'you think Night Nurse will do?

Absolutely. Works every time. Good thinking, Owen.

MUSIC: "Daniel" by Elton John Intolerable!

Why aren't you in bed? We're having a parade at the end of the fete.

People have to come as characters from Elton John's songs.

Look at Mrs C!

Am I mistaken or did Mr John write a song about Danny La Rue?

No - Marilyn Monroe.

It seemed to him,

she lived her life like a candle in the wind,

never knowing who to cling to when the rain set in.

I think you'll find, David, that Jim's our star turn. Come in, Jim Trott!

A skinhead!

# Saturday night's all right for fighting! #

Much as I'd like to dress up as someone who's had their brain surgically removed,

I'm afraid Hugo and I will not have time to join in this particular piece of "high-class" entertainment.

Hugo!

Get it? I-I'm Dorothy. Wizard of Oz.

"Goodbye Yellow Brick Road".

I borrowed one of Alice's dresses.

Sorry, Father.

ALICE: Ooh, he should be here in a minute.

Eyes closed. Oh, OK. Keep 'em closed. Yep.

Oh!

Can't see very well.

Open!

He wears them all the time. I know!

Perfect, aren't they? KNOCK AT DOOR He's here! AAH! AAH!

Ssh! Ssh! Ah! Ah! Ssh!

Well, obviously not.

Ooh. Loo!

Hi, Elton. Elton, hi.

Hello.

Hello. I believe you're expecting me. Reg Dwight?

HA, HA, HA, HA, HA!

JIM: 'No-no-no-no-no-no parking is allowed on the upper field.

'No-no-no-no-no refreshments will be available in the refreshment tent.'

Well! Tremendous to see you, Reg Dwight.

This'll be a day I'll never forget. It's gonna stick in my memory, too.

Seein' little Alice after all these years. Yes. She'll come round soon.

It's the thrill of seeing you, Reg Dwight.

I'd better just help her up.

Come on, clever Alice from such a tight-knit family.

Head between your legs, dear.

It's an honour to open the fair. I've only ever opened a window before.

You? Never opened a fair before?

Unbelievable! A mad world, isn't it?

Except once. And they didn't really want me. They wanted Elton John.

Cos his name used to be Reg Dwight.

I didn't know that!

Still, I see you like old Elton.

ELTON JOHN TAPE PLAYS Just a coincidence that that's on.

Completely bored with that now. Do sit down, Reg Dwight.

(Reg Dwight?!)

Oh, that? That's just Ben Elton.

Oh, I've brought one of my tapes if you're interested.

The live album. I sing the blues.

Well, that should capture the mood of the entire audience perfectly.

KNOCK AT DOOR Excuse me a mini-moment.

Hello, Alice. ALICE MOUTHS: Hello, Reg.

Has he arrived yet? Yes and no.

Is he the same as on TV? Not exactly, no.

EXCITED GIGGLING

Oh.

Hello, there. He looks a completely different person without his wig.

He IS a completely different person.

Hello, mate. Hello.

Where's Elton John?

HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA!

You! He's just...

You were expecting Elton John, weren't you? No!

No. No.

No.

Or, if I'm honest,

yes.

If I were you, I'd ask Mr Dwight to open it.

If he can fool me and Frank, he can fool anyone.

You're not typical rock fans.

I've got a Gilbert O'Sullivan record. The one where he fancies his little niece.

I'll just have to be honest with them. It's the only way, isn't it? Yeah.

How does this sound? "I just received a phone-call from Elton John

"and he's very, very sick." Yeah.

"In fact, he's dead." Yeah.

'No-no-no-no-no parking is allowed on the upper field.

'Thank you.' Is that no parking is allowed in the upper field,

or parking IS allowed in the upper field?

No-no-no-no-no-no parking is allowed in the upper field.

OK?

David. Hello. I've just heard the news. What an unmitigated cock-up!

The '87 fair was embarrassing when kids put cannabis in the cup-cakes

but this really is the queen of balls-ups.

Hundreds expecting Elton John and you invite Rambling Sid Rumpo.

This is Reg Dwight. I bet it is. I hope you're satisfied.

I rather liked the fair in '87.

Such larks!

David, can you come here a moment?

The thing is,

somebody's got to go and tell the crowd about the change in line-up.

Obviously, I would love to do it,

but unfortunately, women's problems of the most dramatic nature.

I can't walk, never mind leave the house.

I wondered if you'd do the honours instead. No.

Fair enough. It was worth a try.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Is Elton John here? Ask the vicar.

When's he comin' out? He came out years ago!

After all I've done for you! I could've been a ballerina! Hello! Vicar!

Yes?

Sorry to interrupt. Has Elton arrived? Elton?

I heard he was opening the fair. I thought I'd drop by and surprise him.

Thank you, mate. Kylie, I'll come clean with you, you fabulous woman.

There's been a hiccup on the Elton front.

Well, more like a huge big belch with a bit of sick in it.

Will you do me the teeniest favour?

What?

May I say one thing before I reply to that?

If you do this, no matter what you do on earth - sex, drugs, ritual satanism -

I can guarantee you the best seat in heaven. You and God, next to each other.

Jesus - row C. Elvis - serving the drinks. Gandhi - sod him!

Well, my mother did always tell me, "Never say no to a priest."

I love your mother.

Ever thought of going into the priesthood? Can't say I have.

You'd be so good. Goddess to priestess in one simple move.

Might have to change your wardrobe.

Church of England can't cope with hotpants. I've tried.

Ladies and gentlemen, there's a slight change to the published schedule for today.

And Hitler was "slightly" nasty(!)

Elton John CAN'T join us. CROWD: Aw!

Life's a wonderful thing sometimes.

But we are delighted to welcome,

in his stead, one of Oxfordshire's most popular entertainers.

Yes, it's Reg Dwight!

What a coup(!)

And just for you today, we are so lucky -

lucky, lucky, lucky - to have the genuinely perfect...

No matter what the Bible says about girls kissing girls, I'D snog her.

The one, the only...Kylie Minogue! Yeah!

CHEERING AND WHISTLING

I-I can't believe it! I cannot believe it!

She's thinking of taking holy orders next autumn so enjoy her while you can.

Isn't it fabulous? Yes. She was always one of my favourite contemporary entertainers.

Ladies and gentlemen,

it gives me great pleasure to declare the Dibley Fair open!

# I remember when rock was young

# Me and Suzy had so much fun

# Holding hands and skimming stones

# Had an old, gold Chevvy and a place of my own

# But the biggest kick I ever got

# Was doin' a thing called the Crocodile Rock

# While the other kids were rockin' round the clock

# We were hoppin' and boppin' to the Crocodile Rock! #

And now, please, the award for the most misshapen vegetable.

We have Owen Newitt's potato,

Jim Trott's parsnip,

and Hugo Horton's carrot in the shape of David Mellor.

And the winner is...Hugo Horton!

Kiss him, OK? Don't ask questions, just kiss him, please.

Congratulations!

CROWD: Wooh!

BAND PLAYS "Crocodile Rock" # La...

# La, la, la, la, la

# La, la, la, la, la

# La, la, la, la, la

# But the years went by and rock just died

# Suzy went and left us for some foreign guy

ELTON JOHN: # Long nights cryin' by the record machine... #

Oh, that's lovely. You don't have a lippy for a vicar with attitude?

Mm-hmm.

Oh, great. Now give me the dirt on Prince. Oh, I can't.

I said, give me the dirt on Prince.

Well...

# La, la, la, la, la, la

# La, la, la, la, la

# La, la, la, la, la! #

APPLAUSE Thank you very much indeed.

And the amount we've raised today is...

WITHOUT the bid for Mrs Cropley's orange cake with branston pickle...

Three thousand, four hundred and fifty-six pounds!

Well done, Dibley!

Did you see how she kissed Hugo? No-no-no, that wasn't a kiss. What was it, Jim?

No-no-no-no, I'd call that a snog. Come on!

No, I think he's right. Might be wedding bells before too long. HUGO: Don't be silly.

She won't come back to the village. Lightning doesn't strike twice. No-no-no-no-no, it does.

Does it? My father was struck twice.

How did he feel afterwards? Heavy. We buried him next day.

# Surely goodness and me-e-ercy

# Shall follow me

# All the days of my life

# And I will dwell

# In the house of the Lord for ever... #

Subtitles by Donna Jordan BBC - 2002

# For ever. #

Three nuns get killed in a car crash. Oh, dear.

And they go up to heaven. Course. And Peter says, "You have to answer a question before you get in." Oh.

So he says to the first one, "What was the name of the first woman?"

She says, "Eve." and he says, "You're in."

He says to the second one, "Where did Eve live?" I know. Yeah.

She says, "The Garden of Eden." He says, "You're in."

Phew! And he says to the Mother Superior, "The question'll have to be more tricky for you."

Fair enough, cos... Obviously.

He says to her, "What did Eve say when she first saw Adam?" Mother Superior says, "That's a hard one."

He says, "Yup, you're in."

She hadn't answered the question.

Eh? She hadn't answered it. What?

She didn't know. Doesn't work, does it?

That end bit needs a jig. I'm gonna send it back. Stupid, that one.