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Is this working, even?
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Yes, yes, we're on.
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Greetings, fine folk of Dibley,
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it's Geraldine here.
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Your buxom Vicarette.
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00:00:17,352 --> 00:00:19,952
So, as we enter the
fourth week of lockdown,
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I know many of you
are becoming anxious.
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00:00:22,992 --> 00:00:25,472
So, let me begin by saying...
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...this is the end of the world.
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I can absolutely promise you...
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...you are going to inevitable
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catch this terrible
virus and die.
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00:00:38,073 --> 00:00:40,853
There. I hope that's
put your minds at rest.
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00:00:40,943 --> 00:00:45,742
Now, before I get to the religious
bit, a few parish notices.
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First, a message for darling
Jim Trott,
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and I do hope you get this, Jim.
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When you see these signs...
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..."M" means metres, not miles.
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I know you've now been hiding in
the woods for a fortnight, Jim,
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00:01:03,662 --> 00:01:07,853
but please do come home NOW.
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And, er... And here's another
thing that's just come in from, um,
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well it's from Owen Newitt.
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"Dear Geraldine, am I right in
thinking that human beings need only"
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"keep their social distance from
other humans and that the rule"
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"does not apply to a human
and a young, seductive,"
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"frisky goat, for example?"
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Actually, I'll... I'll deal
with that one later.
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Me and the police.
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So, moving on, these are very
strange times, aren't they?
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But for some of us, it's been
a chance to read THAT book
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we've always been
meaning to read.
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Only joking.
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I've read it, of course.
Well bits of it anyway.
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Mainly the saucy bits,
obviously.
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And the message of Easter is that
things can get very bad indeed.
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Crucifixion - very bad.
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But like Jesus, we will rise
from it stronger than ever...
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...and our village is really rallying
together, so if you hear people
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have run out of things,
please feel free to leave them
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outside their door.
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I, for instance, have completely
run out of Easter eggs.
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And the more you read
the New Testament,
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the more one simple message
comes through.
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We all must be gentle...
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...and kind.
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Go away, Frank!
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You incredibly annoying old git.
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God!
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For, as Jesus says
in the Beatitudes,
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"Blessed are the peacemakers."
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00:02:56,282 --> 00:03:02,272
And finally, little hint, do
try to stay healthy, won't you?
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I mean,
I like to exercise to music
53
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because I find it makes
the time rush by quicker,
54
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and this is actually
my favourite piece.
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Symphony No. 5
by Beethoven.
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And relax.
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There. It's exhausting,
but thoroughly worthwhile.
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And so, I bid you farewell.
Stay safe.
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Eat masses of Mars bars, and,
um, bless you all for watching.
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How do you turn it off?
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I know, I know.
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It's a hair disaster.
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00:03:41,792 --> 00:03:45,022
Top tip, never ask Owen Newitt
to cut your hair.
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He's used to shearing sheep,
and even they aren't happy
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with the service provided.
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00:03:49,592 --> 00:03:52,782
Now, erm, something
very special this week.
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Today, I'm going to do a Zoom
call with the delightful Mrs Udin,
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00:03:57,842 --> 00:04:00,542
and some of the children in the
village as they're all Zooming
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into class at the moment.
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So, erm, let's hope this works.
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Um...
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Abracadabra!
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Hello, children.
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I'm your local vicar, and I'm here
to answer any questions you've got
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about God, and Jesus,
and all that sort of stuff.
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Hello, Vicar.
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The children were saying how
much they're missing church.
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That's lovely.
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Liar.
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OK,
so who'd like to get us started?
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Yes, Molly.
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My mummy says Jesus is the best.
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Hurrah! But my daddy
says Dynamo is better
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because he walked down the side
of a building and Jesus never did.
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But Jesus did lots of
other amazing things.
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So, who can tell me one of
the amazing things Jesus did?
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Did he saw a woman in half?
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00:04:52,833 --> 00:04:55,702
No. Penn and Teller
sawed a woman in half.
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00:04:55,792 --> 00:04:57,492
Now, I'm sure...
I'm sure they did.
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00:04:57,582 --> 00:05:01,512
So did Leatherface
in the Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
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He sawed LOADS of women in half.
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Yes. I'm sorry.
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I don't quite know how
we've got from Jesus
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to the Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
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I know! I know!
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Did he turn water into wine?
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He did! Yes! Well done.
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And he also fed 5000 people
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with just five loaves,
and two fishes.
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I've been to a
restaurant like that.
101
00:05:27,742 --> 00:05:29,152
Yeah.
102
00:05:29,242 --> 00:05:34,572
But the most amazing thing Jesus
did was he actually brought someone,
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a man called Lazarus,
back from the dead.
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Just the one.
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Well yes.
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I mean, how many do you need?
107
00:05:44,002 --> 00:05:46,733
He brought a bloke back to life.
It's a miracle.
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If I found I could bring someone
back from the dead,
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I'll do it all the time,
not just once.
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Um... So would I. So would I.
Me too.
111
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So, why didn't he?
112
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Well... the simple answer to
that is because...
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00:06:04,512 --> 00:06:06,102
Dear.
114
00:06:06,192 --> 00:06:08,142
It looks like her
screen's frozen.
115
00:06:08,232 --> 00:06:10,012
No, it hasn't.
116
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I can see her moving.
117
00:06:11,642 --> 00:06:13,582
No, you can't.
118
00:06:13,672 --> 00:06:15,733
There. She blinked.
119
00:06:15,823 --> 00:06:19,823
I did not blink, I...
120
00:06:21,162 --> 00:06:23,602
Kids. Don't you love'em?
121
00:06:25,522 --> 00:06:27,342
And that leads me to
my message of the week -
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don't have children.
123
00:06:29,032 --> 00:06:30,382
No. Only kidding.
124
00:06:30,472 --> 00:06:35,622
Sort of. My real message is,
as we know from the Bible,
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00:06:35,712 --> 00:06:41,262
miracles DO happen, and we will
get through Covid together.
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00:06:41,352 --> 00:06:44,022
Bless you for watching,
and never forget -
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your children are the most
precious thing you have.
128
00:06:47,672 --> 00:06:50,472
So sell them and buy a Porsche.
129
00:06:56,162 --> 00:07:00,552
Hello. Today, I'd like to deal
with how tricky a lot of people
130
00:07:00,642 --> 00:07:02,743
are finding lockdown.
131
00:07:02,833 --> 00:07:06,352
I'm going to play a conversation
I had with Hugo Horton,
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00:07:06,442 --> 00:07:09,802
which illustrates a problem
many of us are facing.
133
00:07:11,312 --> 00:07:12,812
Good.
134
00:07:12,902 --> 00:07:15,382
Hello, Vicar. Hugo!
135
00:07:15,472 --> 00:07:17,452
Are you hiding in the toilet?
136
00:07:17,542 --> 00:07:20,022
Yes. I don't want my father
listening.
137
00:07:20,112 --> 00:07:22,282
Right. How can I help you?
138
00:07:22,372 --> 00:07:25,182
Er, well it's about this
lockdown business. Right?
139
00:07:25,272 --> 00:07:28,072
You see, the thing is, Father
and I have been locked down together
140
00:07:28,162 --> 00:07:30,172
for so long, he keeps forgetting
what he's told me,
141
00:07:30,262 --> 00:07:32,182
so he keeps telling me things
he's told me before.
142
00:07:32,272 --> 00:07:33,912
I know.
You've told me this before.
143
00:07:34,002 --> 00:07:37,302
For instance, the other day
we were having chicken for lunch...
144
00:07:37,392 --> 00:07:40,072
Stop me if I've told you this
before. You've told me this before.
145
00:07:40,162 --> 00:07:41,542
Suddenly, he said to me,
146
00:07:41,632 --> 00:07:43,582
"Stop me if I've told you
this before."
147
00:07:43,672 --> 00:07:45,432
Yes, you've told me this before.
148
00:07:45,522 --> 00:07:47,812
Then he launched into a story
he's told me many times,
149
00:07:47,902 --> 00:07:50,272
which I won't bore you with now.
150
00:07:50,362 --> 00:07:52,822
Good. About the time
they had vegetarian lasagne
151
00:07:52,912 --> 00:07:54,302
at the golf club dinner.
152
00:07:54,392 --> 00:07:57,942
So, naturally, as soon
as he started, I shouted,
153
00:07:58,032 --> 00:07:59,152
"For God's sake, stop."
154
00:07:59,242 --> 00:08:01,292
"I never want to hear
any of your stories again."
155
00:08:01,382 --> 00:08:05,782
For God's sake, stop. I never want
to hear any of your stories again.
156
00:08:05,872 --> 00:08:09,902
Yes, yes. Well not quite
as angrily as that. Sorry.
157
00:08:09,992 --> 00:08:14,672
And then he stopped, and then after
a slightly awkward 45 minutes,
158
00:08:14,762 --> 00:08:16,432
eventually I said,
" I'm sorry, Father."
159
00:08:16,522 --> 00:08:18,822
"It's this bloody
lockdown business."
160
00:08:18,912 --> 00:08:21,582
"Actually, I love your stories."
161
00:08:21,672 --> 00:08:24,302
And then he told me his
Earl's Court Motor Show story,
162
00:08:24,392 --> 00:08:26,512
which is his most tedious story
of all
163
00:08:26,602 --> 00:08:29,392
which I definitely won't
bore you with. Good.
164
00:08:29,482 --> 00:08:33,743
About the time he went to
the Motor Show in 1972... No.
165
00:08:33,833 --> 00:08:36,382
And we'll leave it there.
166
00:08:36,472 --> 00:08:41,062
But my message for this Sunday
is this - times are tough,
167
00:08:41,152 --> 00:08:43,512
but let's all be forgiving,
168
00:08:43,602 --> 00:08:46,252
just like Jesus was
when he said to Judas,
169
00:08:46,342 --> 00:08:49,512
"It doesn't matter, mate!"
170
00:08:49,602 --> 00:08:54,182
And finally, a reminder to keep
washing your hands, please.
171
00:08:54,272 --> 00:08:56,822
And here's...
Actually, here's a tip.
172
00:08:56,912 --> 00:08:59,422
If you're getting bored singing
Happy Birthday twice through,
173
00:08:59,512 --> 00:09:02,822
I've discovered that the time it
takes to wash my hands properly
174
00:09:02,912 --> 00:09:07,072
is precisely the time it takes
for a Ferrero Rocher
175
00:09:07,162 --> 00:09:10,072
to disintegrate on your tongue
if you don't chew,
176
00:09:10,162 --> 00:09:12,993
and I'm now washing my hands
20 times a day.
177
00:09:13,083 --> 00:09:14,712
So, see you next week.
178
00:09:14,802 --> 00:09:17,732
I'm just going to go
and, er, wash my hands.
13771
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