Original subtitles

This is it, Bart.

If you strike Uter out,

the team gets a pizza party and you'll die a legend.

Lose and we just get the pizza party.

I've seen better batters at the International House of Pancakes.

This is a children's game, Herr Comic Book Mensch.

And?

Und das ist mein son that you are trash-en talk-en.

Your son? Oh, dear. If I had known...

Send this eunuch back to Munich!

Blitzkrieg!

Ow, ow, ow!

It only took 200 years, but baseball finally got interesting.

Hey!

Dang, that dude's a certified badass.

- Our dad could take him. - He teaches Brazilian jujitsu on Zoom.

My dad does security for James Corden.

You know how many people wanna punch James Corden?

Well, my dad's a badass too.

I bet he could kill everyone in town through workplace incompetence.

Oh, Bart, "dumbass" is not synonymous with "badass."

Oh, yeah? Well, what does your dad do?

Executes inmates via lethal injection.

- Wow. - Wow.

Ha ha!

My dad is tough, right?

Please don't hurt me. Just take my money.

If that's not enough, we can go to an ATM.

Mmm.

Hey, slugger. Whatcha watching, the game?

Shh. Great Masked British Bake Off.

I think Nurse Shark is Nancy Pelosi.

Hey, I got tickets to tonight's MMA fight. Should be pretty badass.

Uh, why don't you take Lisa? She could use some toughening up.

Homer, either bond with your son or help me fold this laundry.

Hmm.

Hmm.

Hmm.

Ugh! Fine.

Springfield Brawliseum, are you ready to fist?

Celebrities with us at ringside tonight,

retired heavyweight champ and CTE denier, Drederick Tatum.

Aviator and man about town, Arnie Pye.

And Latin TV star

and owner of tonight's sponsor, Ay, Mi Cabeza mezcal, Bumblebee Man.

But first, it's time to scour the crowd for our most macho fan.

Is it this guy?

How about this dude?

Or is it him?

Look, sweetie. We're on the kiss cam.

- Stop, Dad. You're embarrassing me. - What the hell's your problem?

My problem?

I have the wussiest dad in town!

Wuss?

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa.

D'oh! Son of a...

D'oh!

Hey, Carl. Your shoelace is untied.

So's yours.

- Crisscross. - Crisscross.

Whoa.

D'oh!

The winner is Cotton Candy Fatso.

That was impressive!

Dad, Dad.

Please don't cry on pay-per-view.

Señor Fatso.

That was the most hilarious fall I've ever seen in my life.

The antics, the physics, the annoyed grunts.

Sir, I would like to buy you a drink.

Throw in a food and you got a deal.

Wow! The Bumblebee Man. You're a Springfield legend, dude.

Like Krusty, or Duffman, or the Tiki Bar Strangler.

You flatter me, young man. And, please, call me Pedro.

I didn't know you, uh, yacht rock types watch my show.

Are you kidding? I don't know Spanish,

but when you get kicked in the junk by a nun,

you speak the international language of crotch.

Believe it or not,

I didn't set out to be a physical comedian.

I left Mexico with dreams of being a serious actor in Hollywood.

Unfortunately, I was brought to the wrong sign

by a stupid money-hungry coyote.

It was the worst day of my life.

Then I came upon a grand opening for a new Spanish-language TV station.

It was the best day of my life.

I ran in, destined to become a star

no matter how long it took or what I had to do to get there.

Mmm?

Life is ironic and cruel!

You, sir, are going to be a star.

What? I don't speak English!

And so, Bumblebee Man was born,

a tragicomic figure cursed by the cosmos,

like Sisyphus or Benny Hill.

No matter what life throws at him, he always gets up and tries again,

just like the hardworking people that watch my show.

So, day after day, year after year,

I sacrificed my bumble body on the altar of comedy.

I thought I was invincible, like Curly from the Stooges.

But alas, I was just a mortal Shemp.

I suppose time catches up to us all.

Now my tired show limps on in the shadow of its former glory.

Simpsons, have you any idea what this is like?

Are you gonna quit?

I was, until I saw your father's hilarious fall down those steps.

You got up without a scratch.

That reminds me.

Homero, would you do me the honor of becoming my stunt double?

Stunt double? That's the badassiest job a dad could have.

He'll do it.

- What, are you crazy? - Think about it, Homer.

You get to crash cars and have bottles broken over your head.

All the stuff you do now, but you get paid for it.

You'd be the toughest dad ever. Say yes.

- You've got yourself a stuntman. - He said yes!

There's the stuntman that's going to save my career.

Come in. It is time.

This is no mere costume.

It is the armor of hope, a beacon of light,

a symbol of truth, justice, and the Mexican-American güey.

Uh, Homero, you're wearing the stinger in the front.

Whoops. A man can dream. En garde. Ooh. Eh. Huh.

Before we get started, I must ask you to sign a nondisclosure agreement,

for my fans would be devastated to know I'm not doing my own stunts.

No problem, Pedro. I sign tons of NDAs.

In fact, I just signed one at work.

Apparently, our drinking water is full of radioactive...

nothing.

Mmm.

Cut! ¡El doble!

You got this, tough guy.

¡Acción!

Uh. Mmm. Oh.

Ow! Ow!

Ow!

I do not like life!

- Wow. Just like the old days. - That fat güero can take a hit.

Homer!

Whoo-hoo!

And then everyone on set high-fived Dad. Even the non-writing producers.

Ooh! They're a hard bunch to please.

Bart's proud of Dad!

- Bart's proud of Dad! - Bart's proud of Dad!

Oh, it's true. I can't wait to tell the kids at school

that my dad is Bumblebee Man's stunt guy.

No dice, boy. That's a secret. Remember, I signed that MDMA?

Oh, man. What's the use of having a badass in the family

if you can't brag about him?

Now I know how the Mangiones feel.

Dad, isn't it problematic for a white man to double for a Mexican actor?

The director thought that too, so he gave me these brown sleeves to wear.

But that's Brown face.

No, it's just brown arms and legs.

Besides, with all the ICE going on these days,

isn't it better to have a white guy suffer instead of a Mexican guy?

Well, you got me there.

Not too much suffering, right?

'Cause I don't want you getting badly hurt.

Relax, honey. It's all pies in the face and slipping on plantain peels.

I'll be fine.

♪ I might fall from a tall building ♪

♪ I might roll a brand-new car ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm the unknown stuntman ♪

♪ That made Redford such a star ♪

Look at all these fans.

How come you never ditched TV and became a movie star,

like all those guys who regret leaving SNL?

Ah. I once wrote a script for a Bumblebee Man film.

It was a time travel comedy, and a love letter to my beloved Mexico.

I sent it to every studio in Hollywood, but no one understood it.

Maybe I should have written it in English.

Bah! What you gonna do?

Go on. Ask him sweetie.

Can I smash you over the head with my crowbar?

Uh, I would love to, but, uh, it's a union thing.

But you can hit my friend if you'd like.

Huh? D'oh!

Honey, I'm ho... What the hell?

Well, I'm just hugging you. I'm happy you're home.

Are you crying?

Yes. I've never gotten an after-work hug from you before.

Also, I have three fractured ribs on that side.

It sucks not being able to brag about my dad.

How can you stand not getting credit for all those awesome stunts?

Hey, who needs credit when you get after-work hugs from your twin boys?

Did you get a concussion today, Dad?

Maybe. Don't tell your mothers.

Homero, you are one hell of a stuntman.

All in a day's work, amigo. Yep, anyhoo, I gotta go pee some blood.

Bumblebee Man? Wow! I am a huge fan. I'm Johnny...

Johnny Knoxville from Jackass. Of course I know you.

Oh, my goodness. Every great bit I ever did was because of you.

Power wash enema, crab Jacuzzi, fire ant facial.

You're too kind.

Tell me, when is the next Jackass picture coming out?

Oh, I'm done with those, man. My body just can't take it anymore.

But the studio keeps asking.

They even suggested I secretly use a stuntman.

The nerve of those frijole counters.

They don't get guys like us.

We'd rather traumatize a film crew with our grisly on-set death

than ever let some stuntman take our hits, right?

Hey, Pedro, they need us back on set so we can...

Huh. Who's this fella that's got your exact size and build?

This is my trainer. He keeps me comedically obese.

Hey, you're doing a bang-up job, tubby.

Let's toast. They might have replaced our knees, shoulders

and, uh, other stuff, but they can never replace our integrity.

I am a liar and a fraud. What was I thinking hiring a stuntman?

You were thinking let someone else get banged up for a change. That's fine.

No. My audience expects to see me getting banged hard and often,

and I lied to them.

For what? Ratings? Money? A stupid Calvin Klein ad?

I'm nothing but a sellout.

Hey, come on now, don't cry in front of the gringos.

That's it. I'm quitting. Show business is no place for a phony.

You can't quit now. The show's a hit, and my son's never been prouder of me.

I'm sorry, Homero. Nothing in the world can make me change my mind.

Hola, Pedro.

I am Alejandro González Iñárritu, Oscar-winning director of The Revenant.

That movie was so funny.

When that bear ate the boy from Titanic.

Yes, thank you.

I found your old script, and I must make this film.

You will be the star of the most action-packed, death-defying,

uninsurable picture ever made.

What do you say?

I say let's make a bee movie!

It's so nice of Pedro to let us come along for the filming.

What's this movie about anyway?

Well, if my Spanish is correct, and it is,

it's an epic time travel adventure about a humble bee man

who gets hilariously hurt

during the most important moments in Mexican history.

Mark my words!

This action-packed film is going to make billions,

in Mexican pesos, at the box office,

and do you know why?

Because I'm willing to risk it all. Brain damage, paralysis, life itself!

You said this was all pies in the face and slipping on plantain peels.

Don't worry, Marge.

I'm sure something got lost in translation.

He said it in English.

Because no matter how dangerous,

Bumblebee Man has always and will always do his own stunts.

Uh. FYI, I don't do my own stunts. He does.

That guy with the chili-dusted Popsicle.

Mmm. Sweet.

- Spicy! - What?

You lied to your fans, to your country, to your own director?

The movie's off!

What if we hide his face with this green screen mask?

Hmm?

The movie's back on!

We are in Lake Texcoco thousands of years ago.

Here, Bumblebee Man will find a symbol from the gods

that will one day be emblazoned on the flag

and in the heart of every Mexican.

Cue the snake and eagle!

No! Ow!

No, they're biting me!

Cue more snakes and bigger eagles!

Get 'em off me! Too many snakes!

My childhood dream has come true.

There's a snake inside me!

Dad's home!

- Good Lord! - Dad!

What the hell? You dodged my hug.

Can't hug. Spent all day getting my Aztec kicked.

Homie, you can't keep doing this. You have to quit.

The pain pills? No, I need them. Plus, they're so cheap here.

Why in God's name would you put yourself through this?

Uh, you're not just doing this to impress me, are you?

Yes, but there's also the bromance element.

So many threads.

Mmm.

Luz,

there's something you must know...

We interrupt Juan Life to Live

to bring you this English news bulletin.

Beloved actor and hometown hero Bumblebee Man has been exposed

for using a stunt double.

Late last night, our station received this photo from an anonymous source.

Hey, that's the picture Bart took.

Why you little...

I didn't do it.

It wasn't him.

It was me.

It was? I thought I did it.

I guess we both did it?

I was lying a second ago. I also did it.

Why, you little...

I'm sorry about Pedro,

but we couldn't stand by and see you get killed.

Or worse, become someone we have to sponge.

Oh. You care for me, but don't want to care for me.

I feel the same about all of you.

I deny these vicious rumors.

And to clear my name,

I invite my fans to come see me perform my movie's most dangerous stunt.

A comedic tumble down the steps of Teotihuacán.

The pyramid of Teotihuacán?

That's suicide! And still on our list of sights to see.

To the pyramid of Tootytotai... To the Mexican triangle!

Homero, you are the only one he will listen to.

You have to stop him.

Why are all these cameras set up?

Well, better to have coverage and not need it

than to need it and not have it.

Hold on, Pedro! I'm a-coming!

Huh. Can I talk to the transpo department?

Pedro, stop! You can't do this.

I must. I was supposed to suffer for my fans,

to distract them from their daily troubles,

and I lied to them.

Now my only path to redemption is pain, hilarious pain.

Your fans don't want to see you suffer for real.

They just wanna see a goofy guy in a bee costume

saying "Ay, yi, yi" about stuff.

All I wanted was for my son to think I was a badass.

But you know what I learned after taking all that brutal punishment?

I hate that kid, and what he thinks doesn't matter.

Oh.

It does that now.

Ay, Dios. Look at you. Making this movie has broken the body

of my best non-Mexican friend in the world.

Can you ever forgive me?

On one condition. Don't do this stupid stunt!

- I won't! I love you, man! - I love you too!

What do you say we get out of here and go eat a taco stand into submission?

Sounds like a plan, amigo.

D'oh! D'oh!

- Homero! - Dad!

The UNESCO World Heritage site!

D'oh! Oh! Son of a...

This man's suffering takes away my troubles!

It's beautiful. We will take out the gringo in post.

Oh, so good.

Man, we sure are lucky we didn't get hurt in that fall.

Uh, I'm not so sure.

Hmm.

Excuse me, amigo, are we dead?

Hmm.

No, in a coma,

but get comfy 'cause you're gonna be here for a while.

It might be nice to have a break.

And some cold cervezas.

Homero, my friend. You read my mind.

- synced and corrected by sot26 - www.addic7ed.com