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1
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3x02 - In Da Club
2
00:00:04,909 --> 00:00:08,445
Around the rubber,
off the aids needle, and...
3
00:00:08,530 --> 00:00:10,114
hole in one.
4
00:00:10,198 --> 00:00:13,784
- Eat that, Steve.
- No way. That is not gum.
5
00:00:13,868 --> 00:00:16,170
Trust me, I couldn't even
blow bubbles with it.
6
00:00:16,287 --> 00:00:18,255
Steve, you know I love playing
mini-golf with you,
7
00:00:18,339 --> 00:00:20,174
But don't you ever wish
we could play at a better place?
8
00:00:20,291 --> 00:00:22,626
Are you kidding? What
else could you possibly want?
9
00:00:22,711 --> 00:00:23,961
How about a real windmill?
10
00:00:26,681 --> 00:00:29,330
Stop trying to distract me.
You're just worried that
11
00:00:29,331 --> 00:00:31,468
I'm gonna kick your ass
like I do every week.
12
00:00:31,603 --> 00:00:34,054
- Want to bet?
- I always do.
13
00:00:34,139 --> 00:00:37,441
If I sink this next putt,
you owe me five bucks.
14
00:00:37,525 --> 00:00:40,861
Sweet, there's a new bum hole.
15
00:00:43,732 --> 00:00:45,699
Come on.
Come on.
16
00:00:50,872 --> 00:00:53,624
Yes. Pay up.
17
00:00:53,708 --> 00:00:56,243
Uh, I don't think
that's your ball, Steve.
18
00:01:01,049 --> 00:01:05,335
* Brickleberry *
19
00:01:05,836 --> 00:01:08,836
sync & correction by f1nc0
~ Addic7ed.com ~
20
00:01:09,307 --> 00:01:13,093
- Malloy, are you okay?
- What are you, a cop?
21
00:01:13,178 --> 00:01:15,512
Gross. Who thought it
would be a good idea
22
00:01:15,647 --> 00:01:17,931
to store their leftover
spaghetti in a manila folder?
23
00:01:18,016 --> 00:01:21,268
Hey, that's my lunch folder.
Give me that.
24
00:01:24,105 --> 00:01:26,023
Damn, Steve.
What are you doing?
25
00:01:26,157 --> 00:01:29,409
You got to put some
parmesan on that shit.
26
00:01:29,527 --> 00:01:31,528
Ugh, you know,
you two deserve each other.
27
00:01:31,663 --> 00:01:32,863
Low class.
28
00:01:32,947 --> 00:01:35,249
Who needs class
when you've got friendship?
29
00:01:35,366 --> 00:01:37,117
I wish I had a friend.
30
00:01:37,202 --> 00:01:39,203
What happened to that
oily summer sausage?
31
00:01:39,287 --> 00:01:41,255
We got in a fight, and I ate him.
32
00:01:41,372 --> 00:01:43,340
* I'm better than you
and you and you *
33
00:01:43,424 --> 00:01:45,092
* you're fat, you're black,
you're dumb *
34
00:01:45,210 --> 00:01:46,927
* and your head
looks like a thumb *
35
00:01:47,045 --> 00:01:49,263
Woody Johnson, everybody!
36
00:01:49,380 --> 00:01:52,049
Today's the day
I am becoming a member
37
00:01:52,183 --> 00:01:54,017
of the Hazelhurst country club.
38
00:01:54,102 --> 00:01:56,353
Uh, did you forget?
They've rejected you 15 times.
39
00:01:56,437 --> 00:01:59,223
Yeah, well, not this year.
I have zero competition.
40
00:01:59,357 --> 00:02:02,643
The other applicants may
have had... accidents.
41
00:02:04,729 --> 00:02:06,613
Hey, buddy, are you okay?
42
00:02:11,069 --> 00:02:12,619
Oh, hot, hot.
43
00:02:12,737 --> 00:02:14,321
Ow!
44
00:02:14,405 --> 00:02:17,825
Nooo!
45
00:02:17,909 --> 00:02:20,711
Nooo...!
46
00:02:20,795 --> 00:02:23,413
Steve, cover this with your
fingerprints and bury it in the woods.
47
00:02:23,498 --> 00:02:26,750
- Denzel, you're coming with me.
- But Denzel and I have plans tonight.
48
00:02:26,835 --> 00:02:28,969
You can bleach each other's
assholes another night.
49
00:02:29,087 --> 00:02:32,472
Denzel, I got a job
only you're qualified to do.
50
00:02:32,590 --> 00:02:34,258
This some bullshit.
51
00:02:34,392 --> 00:02:36,760
Everyone at the country club
is going to be so impressed
52
00:02:36,845 --> 00:02:39,179
- by my black driver.
- Not as impressed as they'll be
53
00:02:39,264 --> 00:02:40,764
by my black foot up your white ass.
54
00:02:40,849 --> 00:02:43,517
Just be on your best behavior.
I need you to act black...
55
00:02:43,601 --> 00:02:45,936
but not uppity,
Spike Lee kind of black
56
00:02:46,070 --> 00:02:48,772
or questionably gay
Tyler Perry kind of black.
57
00:02:48,907 --> 00:02:52,025
More like, uh, Uncle Remus
Zip-a-dee-do-dah black.
58
00:02:52,110 --> 00:02:53,777
Say black again, mother [bleep].
59
00:02:53,862 --> 00:02:56,413
No, no, no.
That's Samuel L. Jackson black.
60
00:02:56,497 --> 00:02:57,781
Oh, whatever, man.
61
00:02:57,866 --> 00:02:59,833
Why are you so excited about
this stupid club anyway?
62
00:02:59,951 --> 00:03:02,452
Oh, it's only the greatest
country club in the world.
63
00:03:02,537 --> 00:03:05,205
Has the best golf course,
the finest Cuban cigars,
64
00:03:05,290 --> 00:03:06,623
30-year-old scotch.
65
00:03:06,708 --> 00:03:08,375
Damn, that does sound
pretty awesome.
66
00:03:08,459 --> 00:03:12,462
Plus once a year at their annual
Founder's day golf tournament,
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00:03:12,597 --> 00:03:15,465
they make a legendary club sandwich.
68
00:03:15,600 --> 00:03:17,718
Only an Andy Reid-looking
tub of shit like you
69
00:03:17,802 --> 00:03:19,186
would get excited about a sandwich.
70
00:03:19,304 --> 00:03:20,971
Denzel, you don't understand.
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00:03:21,055 --> 00:03:23,140
After the war, I was a homeless vet
72
00:03:23,274 --> 00:03:25,642
hooked on smack and Thai ladyboys.
73
00:03:25,727 --> 00:03:28,896
That sandwich turned my life around.
74
00:03:32,200 --> 00:03:33,784
Once I tasted that sandwich,
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00:03:33,868 --> 00:03:36,870
I realized I had something to live for.
76
00:03:36,988 --> 00:03:39,039
Mr. Woody,
time for dingaling tug tug?
77
00:03:39,157 --> 00:03:42,159
Change of plans, Pu Yang.
I am moving out.
78
00:03:43,661 --> 00:03:46,380
Woody, it would appear you're
our number one applicant.
79
00:03:46,497 --> 00:03:48,832
Mainly because you're the
only one who bothered to show up.
80
00:03:48,967 --> 00:03:51,418
So about your ethnic background...
81
00:03:51,502 --> 00:03:53,086
All white, all white, all white.
82
00:03:54,339 --> 00:03:59,927
- Excuse me, Mr. Johnson.
- Well, hello there, my black driver.
83
00:04:00,011 --> 00:04:02,846
Denzel, do you have
an impressive message for me?
84
00:04:02,931 --> 00:04:05,899
Yes, I do. The president
is on the phone for you.
85
00:04:06,017 --> 00:04:08,819
- He says it is urgent.
- Ugh, him again?
86
00:04:08,903 --> 00:04:11,321
Tell him I said to bomb
any country with a "Q" in it.
87
00:04:11,406 --> 00:04:14,024
Now get the hell out of here!
88
00:04:14,108 --> 00:04:15,525
Hello, fake ass president.
89
00:04:15,660 --> 00:04:17,744
This top-heavy mother [bleep]
can't talk right now.
90
00:04:17,862 --> 00:04:20,414
He's busy taste testing
three crackers' assholes.
91
00:04:20,531 --> 00:04:22,532
Bye.
92
00:04:25,536 --> 00:04:26,703
I love this guy.
93
00:04:26,788 --> 00:04:29,790
You know, we are
very intrigued by black culture.
94
00:04:29,874 --> 00:04:31,425
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We love the blacks.
95
00:04:31,542 --> 00:04:33,460
- Now about my membership.
- Right.
96
00:04:33,544 --> 00:04:37,097
Woody, I think we finally found
our newest member.
97
00:04:37,215 --> 00:04:41,051
- Denzel, welcome to the club.
- Well, thank you, I... Denzel?
98
00:04:45,273 --> 00:04:46,473
Son of a bitch!
99
00:04:46,557 --> 00:04:49,309
I can't believe they let
Denzel in over me.
100
00:04:53,281 --> 00:04:57,901
If they want affirmative action,
I'll give 'em affirmative action.
101
00:04:57,986 --> 00:04:59,152
Have you seen Denzel?
102
00:04:59,237 --> 00:05:01,905
Yes, that son of a bitch
is at the country club.
103
00:05:02,040 --> 00:05:04,408
He tap-danced his way in
and stole my spot.
104
00:05:04,492 --> 00:05:06,743
What? He never misses
fountain Friday.
105
00:05:06,828 --> 00:05:08,295
Last week we cleaned up.
106
00:05:08,413 --> 00:05:12,466
I wish my cancer would go away.
107
00:05:15,803 --> 00:05:17,804
Sweet! A penny.
108
00:05:20,308 --> 00:05:22,259
Denzel, we spare no expense
109
00:05:22,343 --> 00:05:24,261
when it comes to making
our members happy.
110
00:05:24,345 --> 00:05:26,146
Anything you want,
we'll make it happen.
111
00:05:26,231 --> 00:05:28,232
How about a baby elephant
dressed as Superman?
112
00:05:30,435 --> 00:05:33,904
And I thought Wayne Brady was funny.
Let's show you around.
113
00:05:34,022 --> 00:05:34,905
Pool.
114
00:05:35,023 --> 00:05:35,906
Tennis.
115
00:05:36,024 --> 00:05:37,191
Sauna.
116
00:05:37,275 --> 00:05:38,192
Ball pit.
117
00:05:38,276 --> 00:05:40,861
High stakes bum fights.
118
00:05:40,945 --> 00:05:44,365
And last but not least,
our golf course.
119
00:05:45,500 --> 00:05:47,501
Oh. My. God.
120
00:05:47,585 --> 00:05:50,537
This is the most beautiful thing
I've ever seen.
121
00:05:50,622 --> 00:05:52,706
Not a single used condom
or dick-swinging clown.
122
00:05:54,592 --> 00:05:56,844
There's only one clown here,
and that's Jerry.
123
00:05:56,928 --> 00:05:58,545
He married a Jewish woman.
124
00:06:01,883 --> 00:06:03,100
To Denzel.
125
00:06:03,218 --> 00:06:05,803
Man, I could get used to this.
126
00:06:05,887 --> 00:06:08,843
Me too.
127
00:06:09,140 --> 00:06:12,359
I am Iron Man.
128
00:06:12,443 --> 00:06:15,312
Whoo. Holy shit,
that was impressive.
129
00:06:15,396 --> 00:06:18,148
- Up top, mother [bleep]!
- Steve, how'd you get in here?
130
00:06:18,233 --> 00:06:20,200
They wouldn't let me in,
so I dug under the fence.
131
00:06:20,285 --> 00:06:22,402
Denzel, do you know this gentleman?
132
00:06:22,487 --> 00:06:24,454
- Uh...
- Of course he does.
133
00:06:24,572 --> 00:06:25,906
We were supposed
to hang out tonight.
134
00:06:26,040 --> 00:06:28,575
Look, I'm kind of busy here.
Just hang out by yourself.
135
00:06:28,710 --> 00:06:32,546
Nah, when I'm by myself, all I
do is cry, eat, and masturbate
136
00:06:32,630 --> 00:06:34,248
until they kick me out of Cinnabon.
137
00:06:35,750 --> 00:06:38,085
Malloy... hey, wait.
138
00:06:38,219 --> 00:06:40,254
When did Woody replace his white rug
139
00:06:40,388 --> 00:06:42,923
- with a zebra print?
- He didn't.
140
00:06:43,057 --> 00:06:45,592
Malloy, I'm concerned
about your health.
141
00:06:45,727 --> 00:06:48,312
So says the drunken bag of syphilis.
142
00:06:48,429 --> 00:06:51,265
You need to get
your anal glands expressed.
143
00:06:51,399 --> 00:06:53,222
We've got to get you to the vet
before they swell up
144
00:06:53,223 --> 00:06:55,102
- and get infected.
- I would love to,
145
00:06:55,186 --> 00:06:58,655
but I'm very busy right now
with my cardio.
146
00:07:00,275 --> 00:07:05,279
Denzel, did you know
they have free liquor here?!
147
00:07:05,363 --> 00:07:07,080
* I drank so much *
148
00:07:07,165 --> 00:07:08,282
* I'm [bleep] up *
149
00:07:08,366 --> 00:07:12,786
* I got lobsters
down my pants now *
150
00:07:12,871 --> 00:07:14,538
"Do you like to get freaky?"
151
00:07:14,622 --> 00:07:16,373
"Yeah."
152
00:07:16,457 --> 00:07:17,841
* lobster kiss *
153
00:07:17,959 --> 00:07:19,259
* lobster kiss *
154
00:07:19,344 --> 00:07:20,677
* lobster 69 *
155
00:07:20,795 --> 00:07:22,045
* lobster doggy style *
156
00:07:22,130 --> 00:07:24,464
* lobster ass to mouth *
157
00:07:24,549 --> 00:07:27,100
Your friend seems to be having
some sort of ... fit.
158
00:07:27,185 --> 00:07:29,636
Who, him? I don't know him.
I thought he was your friend.
159
00:07:33,524 --> 00:07:36,310
- My bad.
- That's it, Steve'!
160
00:07:36,394 --> 00:07:38,362
Get your drunk ass out of here
and leave us alone.
161
00:07:38,479 --> 00:07:41,231
So you're choosing them over me?
162
00:07:41,316 --> 00:07:42,783
You'd rather live like a king
163
00:07:42,867 --> 00:07:45,402
Instead of going to the mall
and stealing pennies
164
00:07:45,486 --> 00:07:47,404
from [bleep] cancer kids?
165
00:07:49,624 --> 00:07:54,294
Joke's on you.
I took my dinner to go.
166
00:07:54,379 --> 00:07:57,714
Mmm, lobster takes like
blood and teeth.
167
00:08:01,979 --> 00:08:03,646
Man, I love my new friends.
168
00:08:03,747 --> 00:08:05,515
Those country clubbers
are cool as hell.
169
00:08:05,599 --> 00:08:07,900
Oh, yeah, let's hear all about
170
00:08:08,018 --> 00:08:09,986
Denzel and his fancy new friends.
171
00:08:10,070 --> 00:08:12,405
Did you tell them that they
sicced attack dogs on me?
172
00:08:12,523 --> 00:08:15,525
- They didn't.
- Emotional attack dogs!
173
00:08:15,609 --> 00:08:17,610
The point is, I'm ready
to accept your apology.
174
00:08:17,694 --> 00:08:18,995
My apology?
175
00:08:19,079 --> 00:08:20,863
You're the one that got drunk
and embarrassed me
176
00:08:20,998 --> 00:08:23,082
- in front of my friends.
- Friends?
177
00:08:23,200 --> 00:08:25,117
These guys just let you
into their exclusive club,
178
00:08:25,202 --> 00:08:26,202
laugh at everything you say,
179
00:08:26,336 --> 00:08:28,120
and shower you
with anything you want.
180
00:08:28,205 --> 00:08:29,789
Don't you smell something fishy?
181
00:08:29,873 --> 00:08:32,091
Yeah, you still got lobsters
in your pants, dumbass.
182
00:08:32,209 --> 00:08:34,343
You leave Sebastian
and Sandy Claws out of this.
183
00:08:34,428 --> 00:08:36,963
Steve, you're just jealous
because you can't make new friends.
184
00:08:37,047 --> 00:08:39,966
I'll show you. I can make
new friends too, you know.
185
00:08:40,050 --> 00:08:43,019
- Hey, Malloy.
- Get the [bleep] away from me.
186
00:08:43,103 --> 00:08:46,138
All right.
Ethel, you want to hang out?
187
00:08:46,223 --> 00:08:49,559
Wish I could, but I have to go
to the emergency room.
188
00:08:49,693 --> 00:08:50,726
Yow!
189
00:08:50,811 --> 00:08:52,862
Oh, me.
I want to hang out.
190
00:08:52,946 --> 00:08:55,731
- All right, how about you?
- Oh, boy, oh, boy.
191
00:08:55,816 --> 00:08:56,816
Come on, rabid possum.
192
00:08:58,202 --> 00:08:59,785
Oh.
193
00:09:01,572 --> 00:09:02,538
- Oh.
Uh.
194
00:09:05,375 --> 00:09:06,709
This is ridiculous.
195
00:09:06,793 --> 00:09:09,412
What is the big deal
about going to the vet?
196
00:09:09,546 --> 00:09:11,518
Fine, I'll tell you.
I hate going to the vet
197
00:09:11,519 --> 00:09:13,382
because the last time
was a little uncomfortable.
198
00:09:13,467 --> 00:09:16,969
This may be a little uncomfortable.
199
00:09:21,592 --> 00:09:23,926
Hey, even though
I'm clearly your last resort,
200
00:09:24,011 --> 00:09:25,511
I'm glad we're hanging out.
201
00:09:25,596 --> 00:09:28,064
I guess things went south
between you and that possum?
202
00:09:28,148 --> 00:09:30,816
Yeah, he ran off
with my pants lobsters.
203
00:09:30,934 --> 00:09:33,269
Buck up, Steve.
You just need to get out there.
204
00:09:33,353 --> 00:09:34,937
I know the perfect place.
205
00:09:37,908 --> 00:09:39,775
Connie, this is a lesbian bar.
206
00:09:39,860 --> 00:09:43,112
- I feel weird being the only guy.
- I promise we'll have fun.
207
00:09:43,196 --> 00:09:47,199
Come on, I'll show you my regular spot.
208
00:09:47,284 --> 00:09:50,419
- This is your regular spot?
- Yeah, nobody ever talks to me,
209
00:09:50,504 --> 00:09:53,039
so I usually stand here all night
and cry in my appletini.
210
00:09:53,123 --> 00:09:55,424
#fridaynight.
211
00:09:55,509 --> 00:09:56,709
How is this fun for you?
212
00:09:56,793 --> 00:10:00,463
Sometimes I'm mistaken
for a coat rack.
213
00:10:00,597 --> 00:10:02,214
Wee!
Fun!
214
00:10:02,299 --> 00:10:04,850
Hi.
I've never seen you here before.
215
00:10:04,968 --> 00:10:07,803
- You must be new.
- Yup, first time here.
216
00:10:07,888 --> 00:10:11,057
Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.
Someone's actually talking to us.
217
00:10:11,141 --> 00:10:13,643
So, what do you, uh,
ladies do for a living?
218
00:10:13,777 --> 00:10:14,944
All: Pro golfer.
219
00:10:15,028 --> 00:10:17,813
Makes sense.
I'm a bit of a golfer myself.
220
00:10:17,898 --> 00:10:21,150
Say, you're pretty bitchin'.
We should all hang out.
221
00:10:21,234 --> 00:10:23,736
New friends, huh?
Well, that was quick.
222
00:10:23,820 --> 00:10:25,321
Guess Denzel was wrong.
223
00:10:26,623 --> 00:10:28,324
By the way, I'm Leslie.
224
00:10:28,408 --> 00:10:30,076
And that's Lydia and Collette.
225
00:10:30,160 --> 00:10:33,162
Nice to meet you,
Lezzie, Labia, and Clit.
226
00:10:33,297 --> 00:10:35,164
- What's your name?
- I'm Steve.
227
00:10:36,333 --> 00:10:41,087
- They think you're a lesbian.
- Um, Steve... a Longoria.
228
00:10:41,171 --> 00:10:43,723
Steve-a Longoria.
I'm a lesbian.
229
00:10:43,840 --> 00:10:46,892
Worst pub crawl ever.
230
00:10:50,180 --> 00:10:53,065
Denzel, you are like
a black Tiger Woods.
231
00:10:53,183 --> 00:10:55,267
You should play with us
at the Founder's day tournament.
232
00:10:55,352 --> 00:10:57,236
With you on our team,
it's a guaranteed win.
233
00:10:57,354 --> 00:10:58,270
I'd love to.
234
00:10:58,355 --> 00:10:59,655
Konnichiwa.
235
00:10:59,740 --> 00:11:02,325
My name is
Pedro-san Lopez-stein.
236
00:11:02,409 --> 00:11:04,994
I'm a Mexa-nese Jew-rican,
237
00:11:05,078 --> 00:11:07,079
And I want to join your club, oy vey.
238
00:11:07,197 --> 00:11:09,031
We're not accepting
any new members right now.
239
00:11:09,166 --> 00:11:11,250
Get him out of here.
240
00:11:11,368 --> 00:11:14,704
Hey, stupid. I can fulfill all
your affirmative action needs
241
00:11:14,788 --> 00:11:17,373
in one swoop.
Please!
242
00:11:17,457 --> 00:11:19,792
Just give me one bite
of that club sandwich,
243
00:11:19,876 --> 00:11:23,629
and I'll go down
on every single one of you.
244
00:11:52,743 --> 00:11:54,410
Yeah!
245
00:11:54,494 --> 00:11:56,629
I want to sit next
to Steve-a Longoria.
246
00:11:56,747 --> 00:11:59,749
- She's awesome.
- Don't be a box blocker.
247
00:12:01,334 --> 00:12:04,720
You guys are so much fun.
248
00:12:04,805 --> 00:12:06,839
- Bad news, guys.
- What's wrong, Labia?
249
00:12:06,923 --> 00:12:08,974
We got turned down for
the Founder's golf tournament
250
00:12:09,092 --> 00:12:10,593
at the country club
again this year.
251
00:12:10,677 --> 00:12:12,561
They said we're still
technically women.
252
00:12:13,980 --> 00:12:17,433
Those snotty breeders treat
women like second class citizens.
253
00:12:17,567 --> 00:12:20,736
I'd love nothing more
than to take them down.
254
00:12:20,821 --> 00:12:25,274
We would crush those old
bastards, especially this week.
255
00:12:25,358 --> 00:12:27,943
I'm riding the cotton pony.
256
00:12:28,028 --> 00:12:29,161
You really think we could win?
257
00:12:29,279 --> 00:12:30,362
All: Hell, yeah.
258
00:12:30,447 --> 00:12:33,666
I think I may know a way
to get us in the tournament.
259
00:12:33,784 --> 00:12:36,869
Steve-a, Steve-a, Steve-a.
260
00:12:36,953 --> 00:12:40,256
Yeah, let's bump our beef pies.
261
00:12:40,340 --> 00:12:42,174
#sorrynotsorry.
262
00:12:43,510 --> 00:12:47,096
Thanks for the tour, Steve-a.
You have such an exciting life.
263
00:12:47,180 --> 00:12:50,466
It's even more exciting
with cool best friends like you.
264
00:12:50,600 --> 00:12:53,636
Can you believe someone thought
I couldn't make new friends?
265
00:12:53,770 --> 00:12:57,356
- What? You?
- That makes me irrationally angry.
266
00:12:57,474 --> 00:12:58,974
All right,
I got to get to work.
267
00:12:59,059 --> 00:13:01,310
See you fish lickers later.
268
00:13:01,394 --> 00:13:03,312
Oh, I didn't see you there, Denzel.
269
00:13:03,447 --> 00:13:04,980
Oh, I'm sorry,
did you say something?
270
00:13:05,115 --> 00:13:07,867
I'm on an important club conference
call about breakfast wines.
271
00:13:07,984 --> 00:13:09,568
I can't believe you're being so fake.
272
00:13:09,653 --> 00:13:12,121
I'm being fake?
You're a goddamn lesbian!
273
00:13:12,205 --> 00:13:13,823
You're just jealous that my new friends
274
00:13:13,957 --> 00:13:15,541
are better than your new friends.
275
00:13:15,659 --> 00:13:17,293
Better at what, licking coochie?
276
00:13:17,377 --> 00:13:19,161
Y'all love that shit.
277
00:13:19,246 --> 00:13:22,998
- I'll bet we're better at golf.
- Golf? My boys never lose.
278
00:13:23,083 --> 00:13:24,467
I'll take that bet.
279
00:13:24,551 --> 00:13:26,669
And just so happens, there's
a tournament this weekend.
280
00:13:26,803 --> 00:13:28,504
Oh, really? Huh.
281
00:13:28,588 --> 00:13:29,972
There's a tournament this weekend?
282
00:13:30,056 --> 00:13:31,757
It's a shame women aren't allowed in.
283
00:13:31,842 --> 00:13:36,312
Oh, I'll fix that.
These crackers do anything I ask.
284
00:13:36,396 --> 00:13:37,563
There. You in.
285
00:13:37,681 --> 00:13:39,348
- Now what's the bet?
- Simple.
286
00:13:39,432 --> 00:13:41,684
If we win, you have to quit the club.
287
00:13:41,768 --> 00:13:44,019
Quit the club?
Well, I don't know.
288
00:13:44,104 --> 00:13:46,689
You can't lose, right?
Don't be a chicken pussy.
289
00:13:46,773 --> 00:13:50,075
Steve, it's either chicken or pussy.
Pick one.
290
00:13:50,193 --> 00:13:52,611
- That's like Sophie's Choice for me.
- All right, I'm in.
291
00:13:52,613 --> 00:13:53,863
And when you lose,
292
00:13:53,997 --> 00:13:55,748
you have to tell the lesbians...
that you're a man..
293
00:13:55,866 --> 00:13:58,868
- I'm in.
- Good luck, Steve-a.
294
00:13:58,952 --> 00:14:01,036
Now you'll excuse me.
295
00:14:01,171 --> 00:14:03,539
Super baby elephant, to the club!
296
00:14:11,038 --> 00:14:12,322
Good afternoon.
297
00:14:12,406 --> 00:14:14,791
I'm Fred Norris,
and this is Russ Rowland.
298
00:14:14,875 --> 00:14:17,460
Welcome to this year's
Founder's day golf tournament.
299
00:14:17,545 --> 00:14:18,745
What do you think, Russ?
300
00:14:18,829 --> 00:14:21,664
I think if that hooker hadn't
washed up on shore,
301
00:14:21,799 --> 00:14:24,667
I'd still be working for the PGA.
302
00:14:24,802 --> 00:14:27,170
All right.
Let's go down to the field.
303
00:14:27,254 --> 00:14:31,508
Teeing off first is Collette
from team Lesbian.
304
00:14:36,263 --> 00:14:40,934
- Oh, shit.
- Uh-oh. Lesbians got game.
305
00:15:02,623 --> 00:15:05,291
This ain't exactly
ghetto golf, is it, Steve-a?
306
00:15:05,376 --> 00:15:07,760
Welcome to the big leagues, bitch.
307
00:15:07,878 --> 00:15:12,215
Come on, Steve-a Longoria.
You can do this.
308
00:15:27,031 --> 00:15:29,816
Steve-a Longoria has sunk
an 18-foot putt.
309
00:15:29,900 --> 00:15:32,068
We are neck and neck
going into the back nine.
310
00:15:32,202 --> 00:15:35,288
I guess Lesbians really know
their way around a hole.
311
00:15:35,406 --> 00:15:38,408
I wish I'd put that hooker
in a hole instead of that lake.
312
00:15:38,542 --> 00:15:40,793
Hmm.
We'll be right back.
313
00:15:42,963 --> 00:15:46,082
Good news, Malloy.
I found a vet with small hands.
314
00:15:46,216 --> 00:15:49,002
He's a...
holy shit.
315
00:15:49,086 --> 00:15:52,255
Okay, I think it's time
to go to the vet.
316
00:15:52,389 --> 00:15:54,090
Oh, what changed your mind?
317
00:15:54,174 --> 00:15:57,677
When kids started using my ass
as a bounce house.
318
00:15:57,761 --> 00:16:00,313
I said take your shoes off.
319
00:16:10,190 --> 00:16:12,108
If these pricks think
they can keep me out
320
00:16:12,192 --> 00:16:15,028
of their precious little club,
oh, they better think again.
321
00:16:15,112 --> 00:16:17,447
God!
God damn it!
322
00:16:17,531 --> 00:16:18,665
You...you're going to make me
323
00:16:18,782 --> 00:16:22,085
- the special club sandwich right now.
- But, se?or.
324
00:16:22,169 --> 00:16:25,622
- Make the sandwich, god damn it.
- Si.
325
00:16:25,706 --> 00:16:28,783
First I get the bread.
326
00:16:33,681 --> 00:16:35,882
Come on. Come on.
Hurry the [bleep] up!
327
00:16:35,966 --> 00:16:38,685
I got to get out of here
before the tournament ends!
328
00:16:38,802 --> 00:16:43,556
- Then I turn the twist tie.
- Give me that!
329
00:16:45,643 --> 00:16:48,978
Just give me the goddamn recipe.
I'll make it myself.
330
00:16:49,113 --> 00:16:54,567
Bread, tomato, bacon,
avocado, lettuce, mayo, and...
331
00:16:54,652 --> 00:16:55,985
A black man.
332
00:16:56,070 --> 00:16:58,237
If people only knew that was
the secret ingredient
333
00:16:58,322 --> 00:16:59,822
in our special club sandwich.
334
00:16:59,907 --> 00:17:04,160
Oh, I do enjoy the dark meat. It
pairs nicely with a crisp chablis.
335
00:17:04,294 --> 00:17:07,380
Holy shit, they're gonna eat Denzel.
336
00:17:07,498 --> 00:17:09,298
Oh.
337
00:17:09,383 --> 00:17:12,385
We are at the 18th hole,
and the score is tied.
338
00:17:12,503 --> 00:17:14,387
If Denzel makes this next putt,
339
00:17:14,505 --> 00:17:17,507
team Country Club will win
and the match will be over.
340
00:17:17,641 --> 00:17:20,677
My life was over after that
hooker forgot her safe word.
341
00:17:20,761 --> 00:17:23,896
Farewell, cruel world.
You're a [bleep] bitch.
342
00:17:26,934 --> 00:17:29,519
And now more golf.
343
00:17:29,653 --> 00:17:32,605
- What the hell are you doing, Steve?
- Denzel, listen to me.
344
00:17:32,690 --> 00:17:34,323
They're going to put you in the club.
345
00:17:34,408 --> 00:17:38,077
- I am in the club, dumbass.
- No, the club sandwich.
346
00:17:38,195 --> 00:17:39,996
I just heard
your so-called friends say
347
00:17:40,080 --> 00:17:41,864
they're going to kill you
and eat you.
348
00:17:41,999 --> 00:17:45,034
- You've got to get out of here!
- Man, you'll make up anything to win
349
00:17:45,119 --> 00:17:47,003
just so you can keep
your new lesbian friends.
350
00:17:47,087 --> 00:17:50,089
I care more about you than this
stupid game or my new friends.
351
00:17:50,207 --> 00:17:51,624
I'll prove it to you.
352
00:17:51,709 --> 00:17:54,544
Attention, ladies.
I'm not really a lesbian.
353
00:17:54,628 --> 00:17:56,879
I am a man.
354
00:17:58,549 --> 00:18:00,433
Oh, that's funny, Steve-a.
355
00:18:00,551 --> 00:18:03,052
Tell that to those
sweet tits of yours, huh?
356
00:18:03,137 --> 00:18:08,224
- Okay, you asked for it.
- Steve, don't.
357
00:18:08,358 --> 00:18:12,028
- Hey, nice clitoris.
- What are you talking about?
358
00:18:12,112 --> 00:18:14,063
I'm a man.
I swear.
359
00:18:14,148 --> 00:18:16,983
Steve-a Longoria, you're the best.
360
00:18:17,067 --> 00:18:19,318
Here we are in the middle
of a heated golf battle,
361
00:18:19,403 --> 00:18:23,456
and you raise our spirits
with a well-timed vag flash.
362
00:18:23,574 --> 00:18:26,159
- Classic.
- Well, I tried.
363
00:18:26,243 --> 00:18:29,328
Do you believe me now, Denzel?
Denzel?
364
00:18:29,413 --> 00:18:30,913
Help! Steve!
365
00:18:30,998 --> 00:18:33,666
- I'm coming, Denzel!
- Steve-a, wait.
366
00:18:33,751 --> 00:18:35,418
How's about you flip up your skirt
367
00:18:35,552 --> 00:18:38,137
and let us get another wink
at that pink, huh?
368
00:18:42,279 --> 00:18:44,654
Steve, these clubbers are gonna eat me!
Get me out of here!
369
00:18:44,772 --> 00:18:47,357
Let my friend go,
you sick racist bastards.
370
00:18:47,441 --> 00:18:51,194
How dare you call us racist.
We adore black people.
371
00:18:51,279 --> 00:18:53,530
- That's why we eat them.
- Oh, yeah?
372
00:18:53,614 --> 00:18:55,699
Well, have you ever put
a white man in a sandwich?
373
00:18:55,783 --> 00:18:56,866
Of course not.
374
00:18:56,951 --> 00:18:58,535
Why can't a white man
get in a sandwich?
375
00:18:58,619 --> 00:19:02,005
- You're a bunch of reverse racists.
- You honky hating honkies.
376
00:19:02,123 --> 00:19:04,291
- That's preposterous.
- Prove it.
377
00:19:04,425 --> 00:19:06,710
I demand a caucasian club.
378
00:19:06,794 --> 00:19:08,595
Caucasian club.
379
00:19:08,679 --> 00:19:12,549
Caucasian club, caucasian club.
380
00:19:12,633 --> 00:19:16,803
Shut up, you stupid [bleep].
We are not breaking tradition.
381
00:19:16,887 --> 00:19:21,641
- Worst barbecue ever.
- Looks like they burned him.
382
00:19:23,027 --> 00:19:25,528
Oh, good job, Ethel.
Now I'm stuck.
383
00:19:25,646 --> 00:19:26,813
Brace yourself.
384
00:19:26,948 --> 00:19:30,200
One, two, three!
385
00:19:33,654 --> 00:19:35,822
I feel much better now.
386
00:19:35,906 --> 00:19:38,541
Strangely enough,
I kind of enjoyed that.
387
00:19:38,659 --> 00:19:43,496
It's in...
every... hole.
388
00:19:44,632 --> 00:19:46,333
Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot!
389
00:19:46,417 --> 00:19:48,752
Wonderful.
It's almost club sandwich time.
390
00:19:53,557 --> 00:19:55,308
All: Ew!
391
00:19:55,393 --> 00:19:59,346
What the hell is this?
It reeks of fish and feces.
392
00:19:59,430 --> 00:20:01,648
- Where is Denzel?
- I don't know.
393
00:20:01,732 --> 00:20:03,850
Everyone looks the same.
394
00:20:03,985 --> 00:20:06,486
- Find him.
- I'm Denzel.
395
00:20:06,570 --> 00:20:08,855
I like old white women
and sentences that rhyme.
396
00:20:08,990 --> 00:20:10,190
There he is!
397
00:20:10,324 --> 00:20:12,525
Oh, wait...
398
00:20:12,610 --> 00:20:16,196
Oh, dear, it's Asher.
We killed him.
399
00:20:16,330 --> 00:20:18,281
I guess it's caucasian club after all.
400
00:20:18,366 --> 00:20:20,450
Caucasian club...
401
00:20:20,534 --> 00:20:23,753
- Steve, thanks for saving my life.
- No problem, buddy.
402
00:20:23,871 --> 00:20:25,288
And I'm glad you got new friends,
403
00:20:25,373 --> 00:20:28,041
- even if I can't be a part of it.
- Says who?
404
00:20:28,175 --> 00:20:30,543
Girls, I'd like you
to meet my friend.
405
00:20:30,628 --> 00:20:33,880
Hi, I'm Denzella Fitzgerald.
406
00:20:34,015 --> 00:20:36,266
Wee!
[bleep] my life.
407
00:20:40,271 --> 00:20:45,608
Holy crap, a special club sandwich.
408
00:20:45,726 --> 00:20:48,194
God damn it.
It's dry.
409
00:20:48,279 --> 00:20:50,280
[bleep] white meat.
410
00:20:50,398 --> 00:20:52,732
Mr. Woody,
time for dingaling tug tug.
411
00:20:52,817 --> 00:20:55,902
Yeah, why the hell not.
412
00:20:58,205 --> 00:21:01,785
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