All language subtitles for MASH-S10E01

Marina, you gotta have somebody look at
that. I'm fine, Brandy. The aspirins are

helping. Me? I was drafted in the last
war.

They assigned me to the enemy.

Let's check it out.

Battalion 8 asked me to give these to
you. What are they? The casualty

Never thought I'd wind up as a carrier
pigeon.

Bad belly wound. I thought you stopped a
mig with his stomach. You better send

it to plasma.

Okay, so... There?

Captain Pierce, over here.

Well, since when did they put a
stewardess on this run?

She's with the USO. Medics thinks it's
her appendix. Right down my alley. I

wrote the book on the appendix. I even
wrote the appendix, but they took that

out. Oh, it's okay. I'm fine.

You showbiz folks. Always with the funny
walks.

Direct me to the nearest threshold.

How long have you had these pains?

Oh, just for a few days.

Wasn't too bad at first, but now it
hurts like heck.

You can say hell here. This is Korea.
You can't say hell in hell. Where in

can you say it?

Now, before I take out your appendix,
there's one question I always like to

Have you had your appendix out before?

Uh -uh.

Would there be that scar?

Are you kidding? You're talking to Al
Capone's personal plastic surgeon.

I must say, Piers, I certainly do envy
your surgical assignment. How I'd love

sink my scalpel once again into a simple
appendix. It's such a...

useless yet highly lucrative little
organ. Yeah, well, this useless little

should have been registered as a
concealed weapon in a couple of hours

could have ruptured.

All right, let's snip that and then
let's close.

I'm going to do a running subcuticular.

I promise you the scar wouldn't be too
noticeable.

Professional reasons. She's with the U
.S. Dow.

Wouldn't it be wonderful if they could
do a show for us here?

Not a snowball's chance in the south of
Hades.

U .S .O. considers us small potatoes.

We're the place they stopped to ask
directions to the place they're going.

just as well we don't need mindless
minstrels and baggy -pantsed

on Pearson Hunnicutt and now. Margaret,
I need another hand with some retraction

here. Pam?

How's he doing?

Not too well.

He's going to be touch and go.

Miss Ryan, I believe you had a
reservation for a single with a view of

singles. Hey, it's a gal.

I've seen her before. Forrest, she's a
singer with USO. I caught her act at

Kimpo. Hey, miss, saw your show.

You're terrific.

Lee, this is no time to take a bow.

Frank, get us a screen over there, will
you?

Hey, could she do a song for us later?

No, afraid not. She opened and closed in
one night.

Just some light road work. You stay off
the heavy bag.

I'll see you in the morning.

Can you stay for a while?

No, you better get some rest.

Besides, I have to get over to the mess
tent. I'm working my way through busboy

school as a doctor.

to be a very sick young man. Yeah. It
wouldn't hurt to get found, okay? You

to put in a little overtime, huh?

That must be

Marina's troupe. Hello.

Anybody home?

Unless I'm mistaken, that's Brandy
Doyle, the stripper.

How would you know?

Well, I saw her picture in Life
magazine.

Fully clothed.

Oh, it can't be her. The USO wouldn't
send a burlesque queen to Korea.

Hello. Hello.

Oh, hello, Father.

Hiya, honey. Hi. I'm Brandy Doyle.

How nice to meet you.

Hi, I'm Sarah Miller. Hello.

And I'm Ellie Carlyle. We were told that
Marina Ryan is here. She sure is, and

she's doing real fine. Oh, glad to hear
it. Say, nice place you got here.

But once a week, you gotta get someone
into dust.

You can do it, Rev.

You're a man of the cloth.

You're very...

This is our emcee, Fast Freddy Nichols.

Say, as long as you're here, maybe you
could do a show for our wounded.

Oh, as spokesman for the group, we'd
love to, but our schedule is very tight.

fact, we're all drunk.

Now, where's Marina? Oh, this way. Come
on, I'll take you. Come along. Father,

may I have a word with you in private?

Of course, of course.

This way.

Hey!

Hiya, guys. Yup, you are not dreaming.
It is me.

in the flesh, so to speak.

Who is that?

Great to be here in Korea, the country
with a soul.

How are you feeling?

Oh, much better. I had to have an
appendectomy. Oh, I had trouble with my

appendix once, but I couldn't afford the
operation, so I had the doctor touch up

the x -ray. Hey, these cookies are
dirty. Listen to this.

Confucius say man who chase woman in
dark often end up with... I got one

traveling...

And, Fran, speak up so we can hear you.

No way.

What's all the laughing?

Oh, Doc, these are my USO friends,
Eleanor and Brandy. This is the

who saved my life.

Oh, I just cut along the dotted line.

Fast Freddy, meet Captain Pierce.
Captain Pierce? Hawkeye.

Suit yourself, Doc.

Oh,

I don't believe we've met.

Uh, Major Charles Winchester. Hiya.
Well, Winchester, huh? You must be the

gun around here.

I rarely get to meet a man of your
caliber.

Marina?

Sarah!

Hi.

I want you to meet Dr. Pierce. This is
Sarah Miller.

Hi, how are you? Nice to meet you.
Thanks for taking such good care of

Well, I'll tell you how you can pay me
back.

We can turn Postop into a barn so you
can turn it into a theater and put on a

show for us.

Hey, you can stay with us for the night
and leave in the morning. No, they

can't. Why? We've got to be on the road
to the 121st evac hospital.

Well, it's not that far, and the roads
are good. They haven't gotten around to

potholing them yet.

I'm sorry. We just have time to grab a
bite and move on. I'll have the mess

prepare some food for you. Thanks. Just
make sure it's not chicken.

You know how the last base killed their
chickens?

They fed them the French toast.

Hey, these guys know comedy.

Freddy, they love you. Why don't we stay
and do the show?

Oh, I don't know. Oh, come on.

You want to talk about army food? Those
chickens were classified 4F.

Foul, foul, foul.

We'll do a show.

Don't tell me you think that guy is
funny.

He's the worst comedian I've ever heard
in my life.

Then why are you laughing?

I don't know.

I'll do Maria's number again. I assume
she won't be up to it.

You'll be lucky if she's up to
applauding.

Oh, don't worry. The show will be great.
I'll have those guys in stitches.

Hi, darling. Hi, Charlie.

I'll have those wounded G .I .s in
stitches.

Somebody ought to stitch up that mouth.
It's an open wound.

It's a tragic story. As a kid, he was
beaten with a horse belt.

How do you know?

Very interesting.

Tell me, do you also play a musical
instrument?

Well, I see brass is certainly your
specialty.

I was raised in Boston, you know, just a
stone's throw from Symphony Hall.

Ah, that's very interesting.

How many times did they hit you?

That's quite a retort from our Lady of
Spain.

I don't believe it.

Hey, what do two drunks do when they
meet?

They shake!

It's Freddy Nichols, the funniest man
ever to set foot on his ankles.

He also does cerebral humor.

No, but cerebral humor, he walks on his
head.

I'm Corporal Max Klinger. You won't
believe this, but once I drove six hours

catch your act... And your nose made it
in five.

Nose made it in five. Is the man a
genius? He finds one insignificant

trait and instantly turns it into
comedy.

Yes, ma 'am, I'm prouder than a peacock
to have a star of your magnitude right

here in our midst.

Well, aren't you the little charmer?

When is the time you beguiled this wide
-eyed young doughboy back in KC in the

old gaiety theater?

You caught my act. Heck, one time I
caught your garter.

To this day, every time I watch a Steve
-42 revving up, I think about how you

used to spin those tassels. Well,
there's more than one way to use a

Colonel. Oh,

call me Sherm. I figure I've known you
about as well as a fella can without

being introduced.

Well, it's a real pleasure to have my
reputation precede me for a change.

Nowadays, these kid soldiers hardly know
who I am.

Being famous isn't nearly as much fun
when nobody knows it.

Hello, sugar!

I have to make up for the shock.

Did you find out anything?

Sarah, I've checked our files quite
thoroughly, and there just doesn't seem

be any record of your late brother being
treated here.

You sure?

I'll look at it.

Thanks very much, Father. Well, I'm
sorry.

If there's anything more I can do,
please let me know.

I will.

Thank you.

Wonderful news, everybody.

We've cleared out of space and posed up
so you can set up your show.

Terrific. You got a bunkhouse for these
gypsies? We've prepared the VIP tent.

Sarah and Eleanor, we've put your things
in there. Well, that takes care of the

young 'uns.

Now, Brandy, why don't you and Margaret
buddy up?

Oh.

Yes, that would be nice. And as for Mr.
Nichols here, it seems only fitting that

we put him in with one of his biggest
fans.

Winchester, fix up the cot in the swamp.

The swamp? That's okie -fokie with me.

That does it. I'm sleeping at Mom's
tonight.

Goodbye, Mr. Chips.

Goodbye, Mr.

Chips. Goodbye.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

I planned to have you laying in the
aisles, but I see someone beat me to it.

I'd like to thank Colonel Potter for
this wonderful reception.

Even though we didn't get Harry.

Colonel Potter is really, really a great
guy. A military genius. First thing he

said to me was, gotta get those krauts.

It's a little noise in here. Do you
think we should move Nowicki?

Nah, leave him alone. Might do him some
good.

So I bid him. On the other hand...

Enough of my bits.

Here's someone who you could really sink
your teeth into. A hell of a girl, Miss

Brandy Doyle.

Cuddle, cuddle up a little closer.

Love, love be mine.

Head to toe.

Love, love. It hurts when I do this.

It hurts when I do this. What'd you say?

Shh, I'm cursing.

It hurts when I do this.

It hurts when I do this.

Cling.

head to toe thee.

Love, love, love be mine.

And now, here is something for all you
music buffs.

And I ought to know, because many a
times I've worked to music in the bus.

Miss Ellie Carlyle and her squeezable
Steinway.

Really swell guy with a head to match.

Thank you very much.

I'll always be grateful to you for
saving my life. Oh, it's nothing.

The only tricky part was remembering if
the appendix was on the right or the

left. Oh, oh, please, it hurts when I
laugh.

Oh, then take two fast Freddy jokes and
you'll feel better in no time.

Here we are in the doctor place.

A horse pistol.

Best I need my nurse.

Nurse? There's the nurse.

Is there something I can do for you,
doctor?

Oh, yeah.

I'll talk about that later in your pop
dance.

Bring me the talcum powder. Where's the
talcum powder? Yes, doctor. Walk this

way. If I could walk that way, I would
need a talcum powder.

But I need a patient. Where's the
patient? Oh, sir.

Oh, here you are. You look like a heel.

Dr. Kinderspiel, we'll see you now.

When I do this, then don't do that.

The wrong line.

Oh, that lovely jacket you're wearing.
Somewhere the horse is freezing.

I can't find the line. What do I do? Get
out.

But... Get out!

There is only one cure for such an
illness. A young lady will come out and

us all back to good health.

Give her a big hand, Miss Sarah Miller.

Thank you.

I'd like to sing you a song that's very
special to me. My brother taught it to

me. It's called Sweet Molly Malone.

In Dublin's fair city where the girls
are...

Why don't you join in with me?

My

usual

singing partner is not able to be on
stage with me tonight, but she is,

in the audience. And maybe we could all
persuade her to join me.

something honey i get the feeling i make
you kind of nervous no no well you and

i are not all that different i mean i'm
just like any other woman no you're not

we all take our pants off one leg at a
time you

know i'd give anything to have a
gorgeous head of hair like yours

I was just thinking the same thing about
your lovely head of hair. How do you

manage to keep it so beautiful?

Oh, simple.

I give it the night off.

I never would have guessed.

My ex -husband gave me that for our
third anniversary.

Right after that, we split up.

Oh, but those were three beautiful
months.

I learned to get the anniversaries in as
fast as I could.

That's just about as long as I was
married.

I see I'm not the only one in this tent
who knows what it's like to be lonely.

You?

Lonely? A big star like you?

Don't believe the fan magazines.

I wish I had one -tenth the fun that
they say I do.

You know, when you spend all your time
on the road, the only men in your life

are bellhops and cab drivers.

The nights can get sort of empty when
all you've got to curl up with is a

pillow.

Oh, come on, honey, it's not as bad as
that.

At least with the people here, they're
like your family.

But they're mostly just kids.

Oh, not that Colonel Potter.

Oh,

he's a real doll.

I got a good mind to snatch A right over
to his tent and make his experience at

the Gaiety Theater seem like a church
social.

Colonel Potter is a very happily married
man.

So were my five husbands, till they met
me.

Oh, don't worry.

I'm leaving first thing in the morning.
So tonight, it's just you and me, kid.

And the old pillow.

So he said to the psychiatrist, Doc,
nobody ever seems to pay any attention

me. So the doctor said, Next.

I can listen to these all night. In an
hour and 40 minutes, you will have it. I

don't know what it is, but your
particular brand of whimsicality appeals

certain predilection of mine.

Gee, I thought you liked me.

Freddy, tell the one about that. Good
night, Clinger. We have patients to see

the morning.

All right, I'm going.

Just one more joke. No, will you get out
of here?

How'd you sleep?

Wonderfully. I envy you.

Didn't you sleep well? A cup of coffee
would have gotten a better night's

That's one of Freddy's jokes.

I knew I heard that somewhere.

Must have been around 4 .30 this
morning.

How are you feeling?

Great.

Thanks to a certain wonderful doctor I
know.

Oh, I'll bet you say that to all the
wonderful doctors you know.

Oh, no.

I mean it.

You're special.

Um... Regulations. These hands are on
duty.

He's finally started to show some
improvement.

Vital signs are stable.

Temperature's down.

He seems to be much better. He's awake
now.

How you doing, Newicky?

How you feeling?

It's hard to talk.

You're coming along just fine.

Watch out for Nurse Kelly, though. She
likes the weak, silent type.

Keep on the D5 and half saline solution
at 125 cc's per hour.

Right.

So long, fellas.

So long.

Don't wave your arms over.

Oh, honey, we just came by to say
goodbye.

You know, we're really going to miss
you.

I'm going to miss you, too.

See you back in the States, kid.

Everybody's invited to Brandy's house
after the war.

Well, you guys can't leave without me.

Well, at least I'll have Hawkeye to keep
me company.

Hey, you were just supposed to take out
her appendix, not steal her heart.

Nunzio's Shapery, Hoboken, New Jersey.
You guys gonna come? Sure, it's the

we can do for the man who put plastic
doggy doo in our bunk.

Blinger, you better get that. Okay, but
first a quick goodbye. Freddy, I just

want to say what an indescribable thrill
it's been for me to have the

pleasure... Blinger!

Yeah, so long, everybody.

Hoboken, New Jersey. Say, is that
anywhere near Princeton? So long.

Bye. Come on. And one, two, three.

Oh, terrific.

Oh, that goes double for me.

Miss Doyle, it's been a real hoot and a
holler. Anybody who can bring a little

sunshine to this gloomy place gets an
eternal gracias from me. Oh, thank you.

You know, Sherm, we'll probably never
see one another again. And I'd hate

if I didn't do this.

Come on, folks. It's just a handshake
with lips.

Goodbye, Father.

Thanks again for your help. Goodbye,
Sarah.

I wish you good luck in your search.

So do I. All right. Everybody on the
truck. Come on out.

Wait, wait. Don't anybody move.

Clinger, one goodbye to a customer. No,
no, no, no, no. That was G2 on the

phone. There's an all -out offensive.
All roads are restricted to troop

only. Nobody can leave. You've been held
over.

So the guy with the shovel walks up to
the streetcar conductor and says, Mother

-in -law, I thought that was your cat.

Penicillin bandages. Order everything
times three. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Yes,

Colonel, there's got to be some way to
get out of here. Mr. Nichols, let me put

this in show folks' lingo. There's
people out there knocking them dead.

Unless you want your next review to be
in the obituaries, you'll just have to

set here a spell.

Well, we've got to wind up this tour on
schedule.

Or in army folks' lingo, my club date in
Hoboken is going to be right down the

latrine. I've been to Hoboken. You're
better off here.

You don't understand.

This could cost me the chance of a
lifetime.

My agent says it's the perfect showcase
for toast of the town.

What's that?

What's that?

Ed Sullivan.

The really big shoe.

You all right, son?

Look, unless this toaster the town
feller's got scrambled eggs on his cap,

you're plum out of luck. I'm sorry.

Oh, sure. Now I'm stuck with toast,
scrambled eggs, and plum.

No, but seriously, Colonel.

No, no, seriously.

Colonel. Mr. Nichols, you've put in your
two cents worth. Now the bank is

closed. Clinger, get to work.

I'll see your three depressors.

And... I will raise you five.

You're bluffing.

Well, if you want to find out, just give
me a call.

Okay.

I'll call you.

What do you got?

Beer. I knew it. Three of a kind?

Full house.

You're killing me.

Hey, Jillian.

In this game, you can put your money
where your mouth is. Oh, there is a

with this trope.

How's he doing?

Vital signs are stable.

How you feeling, Newicky?

Has he spoken at all?

No, not a word.

Okay, pal.

You don't feel like talking, I
understand.

But, uh, if you change your mind, my
number is Hey Doc.

I will open with five.

Hey, take it easy. That stuff doesn't
grow on trees, you know.

Hey, B .J., what's the matter with him?

War's got his tongue.

Hi, sir.

Howdy, ma 'am. Sorry about the extended
engagement. I know this ain't exactly

the Great White Wave.

Oh, it's not the place, it's the people.

I thought maybe you and I could get
together and have a drink.

I gotta warn you, if you want to keep
your insides looking as good as your

outsides, you better stay away from the
rot gut they serve around here. Oh,

don't worry about me. I've had whiskey
that'll put air in your glass.

Say, come to think of it, I've got a
bottle of 12 -year -old scotch I've been

saving for a dry day.

Oh, Sherm, your best scotch. You ought
to save that for a special occasion.

I don't want to be... Well, this is
special. It isn't every day I get to rub

elbows, let alone bend them with a
celebrity.

How about the officer's club?

Twelve -year -old scotch in the
officer's club.

You'd be amazed at how many friends and
how little booze you'll have.

I guess you're right.

Maybe we better sip the fire water in my
wigwam. Why, Sherm and Potter... Oh,

well, no, I... I'll be there at eight.
I... I... I... Hey,

Sarah.

I'm emceeing in a red -hot bingo game in
the officer's club later. Care to join

us? No, thanks, Father.

Not much fun being stuck in the middle
of nowhere, is it?

Oh, it's not that.

Now, it looks like I may never get to
the 121st Evac Hospital.

Why is that so important?

Her brother was killed in combat near
here.

He died at the 121st.

I'm sorry.

I think I've come all this way to go
home empty -handed.

What do you mean?

I don't understand.

What are you looking for?

Maybe we can help.

Well, most importantly, a pair of ballet
shoes.

My brother was in love with a ballerina,
and they'd planned to get married.

And the night before he shipped out, she
gave him a pair of her toe shoes.

and he treasured them as his only link
to her.

When his effects were returned, the
shoes weren't among them.

I thought if I could find them, his
fiancé and I would have a memory of him

could share.

You know, Sarah, if you never received
the shoes, chances are they were either

lost or stolen before they ever reached
the 121st.

Why would anyone want to steal a pair of
ballet shoes?

Well, they wouldn't have been after the
shoes.

They would have been looking for money.

The local people are very poor.

Sometimes they steal a soldier's ditty
bag, take the cash, and discard the

If the army does have those balacers, of
course, they wouldn't know whom they

belong to.

They'd probably be in a lost and found
somewhere.

What kind of an injury did your brother
have, Sarah?

A head wound.

They usually send the neurosurgical
cases to the 8063rd.

I know the chaplain there.

I could call him and ask him about the
shoes.

Where's Marina?

Oh, she wanted a visit, so I flagged
down the first wheelchair that came by.

I bet there are a lot of things you're
looking forward to when you get home,

huh, Michael?

Well, what I'm looking forward to most
is a big bite of a golden, delicious

apple.

Not an ordinary apple I could get in the
market. I'm from Washington State,

where we pluck them right off the tree.

Crackle when you sink your teeth into
him and inside it's no white

Thought it couldn't hurt to try If I

was an apple, I'd want you to deliver my
eulogy.

Listen to her now wiki. She'll keep the
doctor away Thanks for trying marina. He

didn't say anything, but I think maybe
he heard me Now that you're on the case,

maybe he'll start showing signs of
showing signs You were terrific.

Thanks

What's the matter?

I think you may be pushing your recovery
a little bit.

Oh, Hawkeye, I feel fine. Yeah, well,
your lips may have a relapse. They're

even on solid food yet.

Better get some sleep.

Hey, Doc.

Will you tell her that I like apples,
too?

Yes.

Hi. Sorry I'm late. I didn't have a
thing to wear.

Wow.

I'll show you in just as soon as I can
let go of the door.

Oh, I think I can find my way.

Didn't realize you were going to wear
your class A's.

Well, it was a choice of this and my
working clothes, and I figured it was a

little bit chilly for them.

That's funny. I was just beginning to
notice how warm it is.

Well, enough about the weather.

How would you like to offer a lady a
belt? Oh, coming right up.

Now watch this stuff. It's got more kick
than the Rockettes.

How about a toast?

To two old war horses.

May your tassels soon twirl in
peacetime.

Amen.

Oh, sure. This is good.

Not enough old and smooth to describe
this.

He's right here. Hold on, Chaplain.

Charlie, there's a young woman here with
a USO troop who's trying to locate her

brother's personal effects.

He was a KIA.

Well, primarily a pair of ballet shoes.

No, no, they were kind of a keepsake.

I'd appreciate it if you could check
your lost and found.

Well, if you find them, please call me
here.

Thanks, Charlie. Bye -bye.

Well... He'll do what he can.

Thanks.

Marvelous. If only she had a pair of
symbols between her knees, she would be

veritable one -woman band.

What's the matter, Major?

Didn't I soothe your savage breast?

No offense, Miss Carlisle, but I've
always been of the opinion that

a technique best suited to making orange
juice, not music.

Oh, my, you do have a way with
arrogance.

I've just never been a devotee of
musical instruments that one has to

Oh, this old thing.

Here, hold my wrap. I don't want it.

Maybe I should try a little of this.

Uh -huh. Going to favor us with the
selection of boogie -woogie?

Any other requests from the boogeyman?

Had no idea you were so versatile. Why
are you wasting your time with that

overgrown concertina?

With such mastery of the keyboard, it
seems a pity to cut it in half and play

sideways. I like to eat.

At Juilliard, they taught us everything
about the piano except how to make a

living at it.

It's easier to make ends meet with the
accordion.

Well,

you certainly squeezed the air out of
me.

Major, perhaps you should open your mind
and let a little fresh air in. Play

something we can dance to.

No, no, no, no, no. Don't listen to
those boors.

Oh, come on, Major.

Doesn't it get lonely up there in your
ivory tower?

Even Vorzhak and Brahms wrote folk
dances, you know.

Come on, Major. Do you want to dance?

I thought you'd never ask.

It's a good thing that stuff is almost
gone anymore and we don't get swizzled.

A toast.

To twirling tassels.

Oh, you know, Sherm, it's a shame we
didn't meet back in those days of KC.

We could have had one whiz bang of a
blowout.

Oh, when I first caught a glimpse of you
and your...

No -nonsense ways.

That sparkle in your eye.

Oh, I like a man who's been pushed
around a little by life and who just

right back.

Oh, Sherm, you got spunk.

But seriously, folks, how about those
kids today? They think money grows on

trees, but they don't want to plant
them. They just want to pick them.

They don't want to plant them. They just
want to pick them.

It sounds like it should be funny. Maybe
it's just me.

That's okay, Freddy. You say it's no
good, it's out of the act. Talk about

bad drivers.

My wife drives in three gears, crunch,
first, and second.

Try first, second, and crunch.

My wife drives in three gears, first,
second, and crunch. I was wrong.

What put these politicians in
Washington? Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no,

Shuffle off, Buffalo.

I'm warning you, Klinger. Don't throw
that punchline. I say, you guys look

tired. Tired, tired.

Last night I was so tired I counted
sheep and they were yawning. Out!

The show is over.

Save the bombs for the enemy. But Freddy
and I are coming up with some big

yachts here. Tell them, Freddy.

First rule of comedy, Max. Always leave
them wanting more. Love you, babe.

See you tomorrow.

Out, Klinger. All right, all right. I'll
go to my room. Speaking of my room, my

room is so small. Thank you.

My room is so small, I have to step
outside to change my mind.

Boy, I thought he'd never leave. He was
driving me batty. Joke, joke, joke. One

right after another.

I can't stand people who don't know when
to stop.

We did have one good one, though, about
this priest in Dublin. A parishioner,

Mr. O'Malley, comes up to him and he
says, Father Casey, you've got to help

out. So, Father Casey says to O'Malley,
You'll have plenty to feed your ten

children if you plant potatoes in the
spring, corn in the summer, cabbage in

fall, and let your wife decide what to
do in the cold winter months.

Then O'Malley says, Father, you don't
understand.

That's how I got the ten kids in the
first place.

How did you know that? I just wrote it.
By chance, Groucho. That's a seminary

standard. The first commandment of
comedy is, thou shalt not steal.

No, would you try to get the 8063rd
again? Sure, Father. Boy, everybody's a

comedian.

Hello, Sparky?

Is this a bad connection? Are you eating
breakfast cereal?

Breakfast cereal?

Never mind.

I want to get through to the 8063rd.

Oh, hold on.

Communication's blackout. I'll bet you
there's a red Chinese with a copy of

Berlitz eavesdropping on every phone. A
regular Communist Party line.

You have to find out if there's any word
on the ballet shoes.

Sorry, Father.

Father.

Just wanted to make sure you were
decent.

I've got a surprise for you.

Hi.

He insisted on returning your visit.

Hi, Michael.

I'd like my friends to call me Mike.

Okay.

Mike. Are they treating you okay?

Nothing to worry about, Mike.

I got the greatest doctor in the world.

That's good.

And if they start giving you a hard
time, just tell them they'll have to

to no wiki.

How about that?

Words are coming out, his lips are
moving, and nobody has a hand in his

Nice, huh? From no talk to sweet talk.

She's just amazing.

I'd like to prescribe a few minutes with
her to every kid who comes through

here.

I don't have a lot of prescriptions for
you to fill.

You're going to be okay, Private.
Nothing broken, leaking, or AWOL.

Oh, here.

What's this?

Don't tell me you were wounded at the
Battle of Swan Lake.

Battalion A gave them to me. Said I was
supposed to deliver them here.

Said they were from the 80 -63rd. They
failed them!

She's always nervous on opening night.
Father!

Wonderful! Wonderful!

since dawn's early light.

This is a very particular crowd. They
want all their insides put back inside.

I just wanted to come by and see how you
were feeling before I went to sleep.

Did I make it?

It's sweet to take such good care of me,
Hawkeye.

That's one of the things I wanted to
talk to you about.

Travel restrictions have been lifted.
Your friends are going to the 121st EVAC

tomorrow morning.

You'll be able to join them.

But I'm not well enough yet.

Yeah, you are.

I wouldn't send you if you weren't ready
to go.

But it will make you feel any better.
You can take the rest of your medicine

a doggy bag.

Do I really have to go?

Well, we have this whole new batch of
wounded. They're taking numbers for

Well, I could stay in the VIP tent.

I'd be out of everybody's way there and
still near you.

Near me, huh?

Well, you are my doctor.

I'd love to get to know you when I'm
healthy.

Yeah, that's another reason why I think
it'd be a good idea if you went.

But why?

I thought you cared for me. I do. Of
course I care. So does everybody here. I

mean, you've worked miracles here that
we get a standing ovation at Lourdes.

Great deal to me.

You don't even know me.

I know enough.

Marina, when you came here, you were
sick. I literally swept you off your

All you see is a miracle man in a white
suit.

Oh, come on, Hawkeye. I'm not a kid.

I see who you really are.

All you've seen is the bad side of my
manner. You haven't seen the bad side.

The real Hawkeye Pierce is an
egotistical, irresponsible martini

Now who's the song and dance fan? Look,
I can show you a room full of women as

lack of character witnesses.

I can't... I can't take advantage of
your feelings for me.

And believe me, the thought has crossed
my mind.

I'm sorry, I'm not convinced.

You ought to be back home auditioning
for musicals and dating starving young

actors.

Eating those delicious apples.

I've seen too much ever to be wide -eyed
again.

We're the wrong blood type. We don't
match.

Innocence positive and lechery negative.

Let me stay.

I'll prove you're wrong. No, no, it's
not worth the risk.

Remember, you did ask me not to leave a
scar.

Well, Sherm, I guess this is the big
goodbye.

Sayonara, Brandy. Sure glad I had a
chance to find out your beauty is more

skin deep.

Too bad we haven't got any more of that
high -class hooch of yours.

Well, at least it gave its life for a
good hangover.

Goodbye, Sheriff.

Goodbye, Miss Brandy.

If you ever find yourself ambling
through Missouri, be sure to look me up.

Oh, you bet I will.

Mildred will cook us something special.

Oh.

Well, in case I don't, goodbye, Sheriff.

Well, it's almost time to say goodbye,
sir.

I guess so, Father.

Thank you both.

You've given me some wonderful memories.

It'll be a while before we forget you,
too.

Well, Ellie, I guess the time has come
to play out the coda to this little

etude. And I suppose we could say
goodbye.

I do look forward to one day seeing you
in Boston as guest soloist at Symphony

Hall.

Then I look forward to seeing you at
your local beer parlor on oom -pah -pah

night. Perhaps there's a roll or two
left in my barrel.

Be careful, kids.

Hey, Freddy, you wouldn't leave without
saying goodbye, would you? Of course

not. I've been looking forward to this
moment all day.

What a kidder. See you again, Freddy.
Thanks for the warning. Hey, wait a

minute. I wrote a fantastic joke this
morning. Oh, I'd love to hear it, Max,

I'll miss my ambulance.

And the only way to get another one is
to shoot myself.

So I'll see you, huh?

Shake.

For real, Max.

For real.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Bye, Mike.

You take good care of yourself, okay?

That goes double for you.

I'll look for you on the hit parade.

Bye,

Doctor. Bye -bye, Marina. Thanks for the
help. You were wonderful.

All aboard, Marina.

Hey, send your postcard from Times
Square.

At night with all lights.

I'd send you one from the Korean
theater, but it's always the same old

If I do, can you recommend a good
doctor?

It seemed quiet around here.

It's the same kind of feeling I used to
get when the circus left town.

We certainly did have our three rings
full.

All they left us was the tents.

Listen, be grateful. At least they took
Freddy and his stupid jokes.

Hey, what's with the lock? I can't get
in. We barred the door, Katie.

Take your act on the road.

But seriously, I've given up comedy. I
realize now my jokes are no laughing

matter. No more jokes?

No. You swear?