Original subtitles

-And now a message from the president of the United States.

-[ Cheers and applause ] -Hello, everyone.

Happy New Year.

I hope everyone had a nice holiday

and got what they wanted for Christmas.

I got what I wanted -- my very own someone else's Nobel Prize!

Which I'll cherish.

And in my stocking, I got Maduro, Nicolas Maduro.

We did a reverse Santa on him.

We came down the chimney with a bag and took him away.

Anyway, I'm here today to catch you up

on all the exciting things we've been doing,

and I'll be joined by my cabinet,

my little cabinet of curiosities,

my little freaks, various monsters and nightmares

from the twisted mind of Guillermo del Trump.

We've got little Marco and JD Vance.

Yeah, you can clap for them.

They're nice boys who what they're told.

And I think Stephen Miller's in here somewhere,

but he's on the ceiling.

Someone brought a Bible in here,

and he just sort of scampered right up the wall

onto the ceiling.

So maybe we'll get him down in a moment.

But these guys did great.

They're helping me do so many legal-ish things

to try to get people to stop talking about Epstein, right?

Oh, Marco's passing me a note here.

"Don't read this out loud,

but maybe don't talk about that.

Also, do you like me? Circle 'yes' or 'no.'"

Marco, I'm gonna need a third option.

Marco's from Cuba, and Cuba is "next."

So, Marco, while you're here,

could you say a few words to the people of Cuba?

-[ Speaking Spanish ]

-No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Not in here, big guy.

No, no, no. I didn't like that at all.

You're driving in the wrong direction, honey.

Now let's get a few words

from my vice president, JD Vance.

Look, it's JD. Got a makeover.

Look at that. He's the new and improved JD.

Look, he's got the eye shadow.

Looking very on fleek today, right?

We're doing things from 2016. Remember 2016?

Anyway, go ahead, JD. -Yeah.

Thank you, Mr. President.

And, America, here is my message to you.

You know, I came here to do two things --

kick bubble gum and chew ass, and I'm all out of bubble gum.

-Well said.

Now, JD, why don't you give us an update on trends in menswear

or whatever the hell your job is.

By the way, while you're talking,

I'm just gonna sort of walk around in the background

and look out windows.

-Thank you, Mr. President.

You know, actually,

I'd like to spend some time today,

you know, talking about the new tariffs.

And for those people who oppose,

you know, our mission in Greenland --

-Hey, you know what?

I see a cardinal and a blue jay in the same tree.

Wow! You don't see that a lot. Very interesting.

-Sir, um, are you okay?

-No. I'm not. I don't think so.

Thank you, JD.

Next up, I'd like to bring in a member of my cabinet

who wears many hats, in terms of responsibility and hat,

Secretary of Homeland Security Kristi Noem.

-Thank you.

Thank you, Mr. President, for having me.

Before we start, I'd like to give a

quick shout-out to my hair-and-makeup team,

who absolutely hate me.

Now, obviously,

there's been clashes on both sides in Minneapolis.

And have we been perfect?

Yes.

And I know a lot of people looking at the situation

in Minnesota are wondering the same thing.

"Can I join ICE?"

Well, let me ask you this.

Is your neck wider than your head?

Are you currently wearing a Punisher T-shirt?

Have you ever punched a hole in the wall

because your son took a dance class?

If the answer is "yes," then grab a gun, any gun,

and saddle up, big boy.

And just know you can always count on me,

'cause my last name is Noem.

As in, do I have this situation under control?

Noem, I don't.

-Great job, Kristi.

Wow!

Wow! Wow, folks. Wasn't she here?

Well, now that we've heard from my

Secretary of War on America,

let's go ahead and bring out our Secretary of War with World.

Give it up for Pete Hegseth, everybody.

[ Heavy metal music playing ] ♪♪

-Yeah. Alright, cut the track!

I say cut it!

What's up, you chodes?

[ Sighs ]

Ahh! Fresh pow-pow. Uhhh!

Now listen up.

In case your ears are too fat to hear the news,

we went into Venezuela, and como se dice

we teabagged their country?

They're lucky I manscape.

We went in, straight up stole their president.

Yoink!

We only had to send in a couple helicopters,

all of them blaring "Welcome to the Jungle."

And the Maduro regime was brought down to its

sha-na-na-na-na-na-na-na, knees, knees!

In fact, we've been rockin' out

with our C's out all over the world.

We dunked on Venezuela.

Next, we're gonna sack-tap Iran.

I'm gonna put the ayatollah in the cuck chair.

I'm gonna tell him, "If aya-told you once,

aya-told you a thousand times.

You don't dare kill your protesters.

That's our thing!"

So just remember, you "F" with America,

we're gonna "F" you right back.

Just like it looks like I'm F'ing this kettlebell.

You might have seen it in a video.

Got passed around online -- in a positive way.

Yeah, I'm gonna "F" you like I've never done it before,

and I'm gonna finish way too fast.

-Thanks, Hegseth. That was great, buddy.

Even I know you're doing that wrong.

Also, midterms are canceled,

and live from New York...

-It's "Saturday night"!