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sync & correction by f1nc0
~ Addic7ed.com ~
4
00:00:13,071 --> 00:00:14,654
Am I gonna die, captain?
5
00:00:14,656 --> 00:00:16,606
It'll be all right, private.
Do you hear me?
6
00:00:16,608 --> 00:00:18,775
You need to look that
angel of death right in the eye
7
00:00:18,777 --> 00:00:21,110
and shout,
"what the shit is that?"
8
00:00:21,112 --> 00:00:24,747
- Macho man T-shirt.
- A macho man T-shirt?
9
00:00:24,749 --> 00:00:28,117
All right, everyone stop!
10
00:00:28,119 --> 00:00:31,120
God damn it, I told all of you
we need to make this authentic,
11
00:00:31,122 --> 00:00:32,121
And look at you.
12
00:00:32,123 --> 00:00:35,959
Uh, yeah, you guys. Don't
you know what rebels look like?
13
00:00:35,961 --> 00:00:40,463
The only one taking this
reenactment seriously is Dr. Kuzniak.
14
00:00:40,465 --> 00:00:42,382
Reenactment?
What reenactment?
15
00:00:42,384 --> 00:00:45,969
- Quick question, can I buy him?
- This some bullshit.
16
00:00:45,971 --> 00:00:48,888
I don't give a shit about
your cotton-picking problems.
17
00:00:48,890 --> 00:00:51,307
See what I did there?
[laughs]
18
00:00:51,309 --> 00:00:54,360
- I'ma get you for this, asshole.
- Quit complaining.
19
00:00:54,362 --> 00:00:57,230
You're not the only slave here.
20
00:00:57,232 --> 00:00:59,866
Ew. Denzel,
the most important thing
21
00:00:59,868 --> 00:01:03,286
in civil war reenactment
is historical accuracy.
22
00:01:03,288 --> 00:01:04,454
[phone ringing]
23
00:01:04,456 --> 00:01:05,655
Hold on. It's a, uh...
24
00:01:05,657 --> 00:01:07,991
A call from the future.
What?
25
00:01:07,993 --> 00:01:10,660
Listen, some old woman called
claiming to be your mother.
26
00:01:10,662 --> 00:01:13,246
I said, "that's a cruel joke.
His mom is dead."
27
00:01:13,248 --> 00:01:14,464
Then she got really upset.
28
00:01:14,466 --> 00:01:17,166
- She said she's on her way over.
- Mommy?
29
00:01:17,168 --> 00:01:20,887
Nooo!
30
00:01:20,889 --> 00:01:23,089
Captain's leading the charge.
31
00:01:23,091 --> 00:01:25,008
Let's get them sumbitches!
32
00:01:25,010 --> 00:01:26,676
[gunshots]
[trumpet fanfare]
33
00:01:26,678 --> 00:01:30,563
- Hey, no fair. I shot you.
- Lick my musket balls, yankee.
34
00:01:30,565 --> 00:01:33,232
Four score and seven...
aah!
35
00:01:33,234 --> 00:01:34,651
[gunfire]
[grunting]
36
00:01:34,653 --> 00:01:36,402
- Yee-haw!
- Whoo-hoo!
37
00:01:36,404 --> 00:01:40,657
- We just won the civil war.
- I told you the south would rise again.
38
00:01:40,659 --> 00:01:44,360
It's going to be just like
the good old days.
39
00:01:44,362 --> 00:01:46,863
Awkward.
40
00:01:50,535 --> 00:01:51,534
[screams]
41
00:01:51,536 --> 00:01:54,539
♪ Brickleberry ♪
42
00:01:54,940 --> 00:01:57,740
3x04 - "That Brothers My Father"
43
00:01:57,926 --> 00:02:01,294
All: Wheel... of... fortune!
44
00:02:01,296 --> 00:02:04,464
I'm Pat Sajak, and it's identical
twins week here on wheel.
45
00:02:04,466 --> 00:02:06,466
Either that
or I'm extremely drunk again.
46
00:02:06,468 --> 00:02:09,218
[laughing]
47
00:02:09,220 --> 00:02:11,888
- Pat's so funny.
- Connie, where were you?
48
00:02:11,890 --> 00:02:13,556
You missed
the whole reenactment.
49
00:02:13,558 --> 00:02:16,192
Oh, sorry, Ethel.
I've been busy.
50
00:02:16,194 --> 00:02:19,062
Today's the day my lifelong
dream will finally come true.
51
00:02:19,064 --> 00:02:21,647
Connie, they've been putting
cheese in the crust for years now.
52
00:02:21,649 --> 00:02:23,950
No, my other lifelong dream.
53
00:02:23,952 --> 00:02:26,119
Wheel of fortune is coming
to Hazelhurst.
54
00:02:26,121 --> 00:02:28,905
Here, you can read all
about it in The Daily Patter.
55
00:02:28,907 --> 00:02:32,992
You subscribe
to a daily Pat Sajak newsletter?
56
00:02:32,994 --> 00:02:34,460
No, silly, I write it.
57
00:02:34,462 --> 00:02:36,379
And I've been watching
86 straight hours
58
00:02:36,381 --> 00:02:38,581
of Wheel to get ready
for my tryout.
59
00:02:38,583 --> 00:02:41,467
Want to borrow some tapes?
I have every episode ever.
60
00:02:41,469 --> 00:02:43,386
This one's a mix tape.
61
00:02:43,388 --> 00:02:44,754
[whispers]
All love puzzles.
62
00:02:44,756 --> 00:02:49,780
[alarm beeping] Oh! Time for
me to go camp out in line.
63
00:02:49,928 --> 00:02:52,595
Oh, Pat, I can't wait
to meet you in person.
64
00:02:52,597 --> 00:02:56,149
[kisses]
Whoa, you stink.
65
00:02:56,151 --> 00:02:57,600
Woody: Code red, Malloy!
66
00:02:57,602 --> 00:03:00,186
We got to clean this place up
before Mommy gets here.
67
00:03:00,188 --> 00:03:02,355
Here. Let me help you.
68
00:03:02,357 --> 00:03:05,942
I got to clear my Google
history and my Bing history
69
00:03:05,944 --> 00:03:08,194
and all the things
I asked jeeves about squirters.
70
00:03:08,196 --> 00:03:10,113
You know what?
Screw it.
71
00:03:11,366 --> 00:03:14,417
If your mom's still alive, then
whose ashes are in that urn?
72
00:03:14,419 --> 00:03:16,252
Ex-girlfriend who gave me
some lip.
73
00:03:16,254 --> 00:03:17,870
It also doubles as a swear jar.
74
00:03:17,872 --> 00:03:18,871
Why did you tell everybody
your mom
75
00:03:18,873 --> 00:03:20,123
was dead in the first place?
76
00:03:20,125 --> 00:03:22,592
Because she's a [bleep] nightmare.
77
00:03:22,594 --> 00:03:24,377
[coughing]
78
00:03:24,379 --> 00:03:29,515
The year was 1968, and I was
just an average American boy.
79
00:03:29,517 --> 00:03:32,135
[grunting]
80
00:03:32,137 --> 00:03:33,352
Son!
81
00:03:33,354 --> 00:03:36,856
Uh, a fire started on my pee
pee, and I had to rub it out.
82
00:03:36,858 --> 00:03:39,942
I think it's time you learned
about the birds and the bees.
83
00:03:39,944 --> 00:03:41,644
She talked to you about sex.
So what?
84
00:03:41,646 --> 00:03:43,146
About sex?
Uh-uh.
85
00:03:43,148 --> 00:03:46,482
She locked me in a closet
full of birds and bees!
86
00:03:46,484 --> 00:03:47,483
[bees buzzing]
[birds squawking]
87
00:03:47,485 --> 00:03:49,152
[screaming]
88
00:03:49,154 --> 00:03:52,038
This is what happens to boys
who touch their dirty pecker.
89
00:03:52,040 --> 00:03:53,873
Just because you're a big baby,
90
00:03:53,875 --> 00:03:55,958
you deprived me of a grandmother?
91
00:03:55,960 --> 00:03:59,128
The one person whose job
it is to spoil me.
92
00:03:59,130 --> 00:04:02,632
- Someone is going to pay for this.
- The Jews? [knocking on door]
93
00:04:02,634 --> 00:04:04,133
Dear god, she's here!
Quick!
94
00:04:04,135 --> 00:04:06,803
I got to put on this Christmas
sweater she knitted me.
95
00:04:06,805 --> 00:04:10,588
Well, that puts the
"Christ" in Christmas.
96
00:04:10,623 --> 00:04:13,643
- Woodrow, my dear.
- Hi, Mommy.
97
00:04:13,645 --> 00:04:16,429
Oh, what a lovely home
you have here.
98
00:04:16,431 --> 00:04:18,231
Uh-oh, dusty.
99
00:04:18,233 --> 00:04:20,683
You forgot to dust our plant
when you were little.
100
00:04:20,685 --> 00:04:22,101
That's why your father left.
101
00:04:22,103 --> 00:04:24,487
I'm sorry, Mommy.
I'm a bad boy.
102
00:04:24,489 --> 00:04:26,105
Spank me.
Spank me!
103
00:04:26,107 --> 00:04:27,998
Oh, don't be silly, Woodrow.
104
00:04:27,999 --> 00:04:31,744
- We'll just call that strike one.
- Oh, okay.
105
00:04:31,746 --> 00:04:34,831
- Malloy, forget you saw that.
- Oh, I wish I could.
106
00:04:34,833 --> 00:04:39,001
[gasps] And you must be
my cute little grandcubby.
107
00:04:39,003 --> 00:04:40,203
I am, gam-gam.
108
00:04:40,205 --> 00:04:42,622
Oh, I can't wait
to spoil you to death.
109
00:04:42,624 --> 00:04:44,040
See, Woody?
110
00:04:44,042 --> 00:04:46,876
Grandma's not a horrible [bleep]
like you said.
111
00:04:46,878 --> 00:04:49,128
Ah! [chuckles]
My little comedian.
112
00:04:49,130 --> 00:04:51,264
Don't listen to him, Mommy.
I love having you here.
113
00:04:51,266 --> 00:04:52,598
Oh, good,
114
00:04:52,600 --> 00:04:54,634
because I was thrown
out of the nursing home.
115
00:04:54,636 --> 00:04:56,802
Apparently when your roommate
cheats at bingo,
116
00:04:56,804 --> 00:04:58,888
you're not allowed to cut
her feeding tube.
117
00:04:58,890 --> 00:05:01,774
So I'm moving here forever.
118
00:05:01,776 --> 00:05:04,694
- What?
- Yay! You can have Woody's room.
119
00:05:04,696 --> 00:05:07,396
- Wonderful.
- You know, you ought to make Woody
120
00:05:07,398 --> 00:05:08,898
one of those "don't touch
your pecker" sweaters
121
00:05:08,900 --> 00:05:12,703
for every day of the week.
He's got a problem.
122
00:05:15,573 --> 00:05:18,741
[laughing excitedly]
123
00:05:22,380 --> 00:05:25,131
Would you like to solve
the puzzle?
124
00:05:25,133 --> 00:05:30,970
Tuh-hee caht...
eyen... tuh-hee hawt.
125
00:05:30,972 --> 00:05:31,921
Next.
126
00:05:31,923 --> 00:05:34,640
Okay. Give the wheel a spin.
127
00:05:34,642 --> 00:05:36,425
[grunting]
128
00:05:36,427 --> 00:05:38,311
- Oh, [bleep] this.
- Next.
129
00:05:38,313 --> 00:05:40,062
Tell us a little something about you.
130
00:05:40,064 --> 00:05:42,598
My name's Connie,
and if I ever met Pat Sajak,
131
00:05:42,600 --> 00:05:45,434
- I'd probably crap myself.
- Uh-huh.
132
00:05:45,436 --> 00:05:46,819
Good job, Connie.
133
00:05:46,821 --> 00:05:48,938
Okay, Connie.
This first one is a phrase...
134
00:05:48,940 --> 00:05:52,024
I'd like to solve the puzzle.
"a partridge in a pear tree."
135
00:05:52,026 --> 00:05:54,944
[bell dings] Oh, my god.
That's amazing.
136
00:05:54,946 --> 00:05:56,445
Looks like we filled our last slot.
137
00:05:56,447 --> 00:05:57,446
[clapping]
138
00:05:57,448 --> 00:05:58,831
Very impressive.
139
00:05:58,833 --> 00:06:01,834
P-P-Pat Sajak?
140
00:06:01,836 --> 00:06:03,786
[stomach gurgling]
141
00:06:03,788 --> 00:06:06,422
Uh-oh.
[farts]
142
00:06:06,424 --> 00:06:08,958
[farts]
[screams]
143
00:06:10,845 --> 00:06:13,346
And this is his first day
of kindergarten.
144
00:06:13,348 --> 00:06:15,965
I think we all know
what bus he was riding.
145
00:06:15,967 --> 00:06:18,851
I had to come to school
six times that day.
146
00:06:18,853 --> 00:06:20,436
Because he missed his Mommy?
147
00:06:20,438 --> 00:06:23,139
No, because he refused
to consume anything
148
00:06:23,141 --> 00:06:25,641
but my breast milk
until he was 17.
149
00:06:25,643 --> 00:06:27,610
[laughter]
Mmm.
150
00:06:27,612 --> 00:06:28,978
You made me do that!
151
00:06:28,980 --> 00:06:31,480
You said solid food
would give me polio.
152
00:06:31,482 --> 00:06:35,484
- What's that, Woodrow?
- Uh, Mommy milk is nummy yummy.
153
00:06:35,486 --> 00:06:39,989
Damn, who's the kinky hottie
with the wrinkly body?
154
00:06:39,991 --> 00:06:42,658
Oh, no. Oh, no, no.
No, you don't. No way.
155
00:06:42,660 --> 00:06:46,045
- Call me Denzel.
- Oh, my.
156
00:06:46,047 --> 00:06:49,548
Well, aren't you just
the sweetest young man?
157
00:06:49,550 --> 00:06:50,967
Anita Johnson.
158
00:06:50,969 --> 00:06:53,135
Good, 'cause you
about to get a big one.
159
00:06:53,137 --> 00:06:56,222
- You certainly come on strong.
- Oh, I come on a lot of things.
160
00:06:56,224 --> 00:06:59,531
- Want me to show you?
- All right, Denzel. Get out of here!
161
00:06:59,566 --> 00:07:01,510
[flicking tongue]
[screams]
162
00:07:01,512 --> 00:07:04,146
Oh, my baby's upset.
163
00:07:04,148 --> 00:07:06,565
Maybe he needs
some of Mommy's nummy yummy.
164
00:07:06,567 --> 00:07:07,933
Great idea, Malloy.
165
00:07:07,935 --> 00:07:10,319
Oh, no, no, no!
I had a big breakfast.
166
00:07:10,321 --> 00:07:12,321
Suck it, Woodrow.
167
00:07:12,323 --> 00:07:14,156
[gagging]
168
00:07:14,381 --> 00:07:17,477
Milk's gone bad.
169
00:07:18,091 --> 00:07:20,529
So, uh, what time
should I be here for the taping?
170
00:07:20,531 --> 00:07:23,424
Connie, the insurance adjuster
is telling us the smartest
171
00:07:23,425 --> 00:07:25,868
thing to do would be to
set fire to this building.
172
00:07:25,870 --> 00:07:27,420
Even the soil on which
this building stands
173
00:07:27,422 --> 00:07:30,039
has been rendered barren
for generations to come.
174
00:07:30,041 --> 00:07:32,041
So short answer,
there will be no taping.
175
00:07:32,043 --> 00:07:33,709
Not for you, not ever, please go.
176
00:07:33,711 --> 00:07:37,263
No! I can't go!
This is my dream!
177
00:07:37,265 --> 00:07:39,548
We got a spinner.
Tranq her and yank her.
178
00:07:39,550 --> 00:07:41,217
[gunshots]
Oh!
179
00:07:42,554 --> 00:07:44,554
[groans]
180
00:07:44,555 --> 00:07:45,888
Mommy, listen.
181
00:07:45,890 --> 00:07:49,308
You got to stay away from
this Denzel guy. He's trouble.
182
00:07:49,310 --> 00:07:51,310
Trust me, he eats old ladies
for breakfast.
183
00:07:51,312 --> 00:07:53,896
Oh, you don't need
to tell me, son.
184
00:07:53,898 --> 00:07:55,448
He's doing that to me right now.
185
00:07:55,450 --> 00:07:57,566
[flicking tongue]
'Sup, Woody?
186
00:07:57,568 --> 00:07:59,902
You son of a bitch!
I'll kill you!
187
00:07:59,904 --> 00:08:03,239
Woody, stop.
That's no way to treat your father.
188
00:08:03,241 --> 00:08:05,908
- My father?
- Oh, you didn't hear?
189
00:08:05,910 --> 00:08:07,243
We got married.
190
00:08:07,245 --> 00:08:10,246
I'm your daddy.
[gasps]
191
00:08:13,512 --> 00:08:15,078
Good morning, son.
192
00:08:15,080 --> 00:08:16,880
I hope all that screaming
your mama did last night
193
00:08:16,882 --> 00:08:18,081
didn't keep you up.
194
00:08:18,083 --> 00:08:20,217
- I didn't notice.
- Really?
195
00:08:20,219 --> 00:08:21,985
Well, how about the sound
of my balls
196
00:08:21,987 --> 00:08:25,222
slapping against her big old ass?
You had to hear that.
197
00:08:25,224 --> 00:08:27,357
Bap! Bap! Bap!
Bap! Bap! Bap! Bap!
198
00:08:27,359 --> 00:08:29,076
I know what you're doing.
199
00:08:29,078 --> 00:08:31,328
You're just getting back at me
for the whole slave thing,
200
00:08:31,330 --> 00:08:35,198
- but you have gone too far, Denzel.
- Please, call me daddy.
201
00:08:35,200 --> 00:08:36,666
I'll call you a son of a bit...
202
00:08:36,668 --> 00:08:39,503
bestest daddy
in the whole wide world.
203
00:08:39,505 --> 00:08:42,122
- Good morning, boys.
- Morning, baby.
204
00:08:42,124 --> 00:08:43,540
I'm surprised you can walk straight.
205
00:08:43,542 --> 00:08:44,708
Oh!
[chuckles]
206
00:08:44,710 --> 00:08:47,210
Hey, boy, run into the kitchen
and grab your daddy a beer.
207
00:08:47,212 --> 00:08:48,845
You are not the boss of me!
208
00:08:48,847 --> 00:08:50,964
Woodrow, Denzel is
your father now,
209
00:08:50,966 --> 00:08:52,382
and you're going to do
what he says.
210
00:08:52,384 --> 00:08:56,970
- Understand?
- But... Yes, Mommy.
211
00:08:56,972 --> 00:09:01,391
Ha ha! Me and you, we're gonna
have a lot of fun, son.
212
00:09:01,393 --> 00:09:04,394
[cheerful music]
213
00:09:09,785 --> 00:09:13,320
[screaming]
214
00:09:13,322 --> 00:09:16,323
[suspenseful music]
215
00:09:17,743 --> 00:09:20,243
Hi, Pat.
[screams]
216
00:09:23,215 --> 00:09:25,248
[panting]
217
00:09:25,250 --> 00:09:27,551
Where am I?
218
00:09:27,553 --> 00:09:30,837
- Help. Someone help me!
- Relax, Pat.
219
00:09:30,839 --> 00:09:33,089
We're going to be best friends.
220
00:09:33,091 --> 00:09:36,927
You? You're the shit woman.
What do you want?
221
00:09:36,929 --> 00:09:40,263
Ahh.
It feels as perfect as it looks.
222
00:09:40,265 --> 00:09:42,149
Get away from me,
you crazy stalker.
223
00:09:42,151 --> 00:09:45,402
[laughs]
I'm not a crazy stalker.
224
00:09:45,404 --> 00:09:46,987
Just ask Back-Pat.
225
00:09:46,989 --> 00:09:50,106
Well, hello there, Pat.
I'm Back-Pat.
226
00:09:50,108 --> 00:09:52,609
Look, I'm not sure
what you want from me, but...
227
00:09:52,611 --> 00:09:55,829
- Say hello back, Pat.
- I'm confused.
228
00:09:55,831 --> 00:09:57,914
Are you telling Back-Pat
to say hello again,
229
00:09:57,916 --> 00:10:00,617
or do you want me to say hello
back to Back-Pat?
230
00:10:00,619 --> 00:10:02,335
Don't [bleep] with me, Sajak.
231
00:10:02,337 --> 00:10:04,788
Just because I love you
and your smooth botoxed skin
232
00:10:04,790 --> 00:10:08,008
doesn't mean I won't snap
your goddamn spine!
233
00:10:08,010 --> 00:10:10,961
Be careful.
I think she's crazy.
234
00:10:10,963 --> 00:10:12,012
[sports announcer in background]
235
00:10:12,014 --> 00:10:13,129
Hey!
What are you doing?
236
00:10:13,131 --> 00:10:15,799
- I'm watching the hockey game.
- Shut your ass up!
237
00:10:15,801 --> 00:10:18,602
Man, white people.
You know what I'm saying?
238
00:10:18,604 --> 00:10:21,771
[laughing]
239
00:10:21,773 --> 00:10:23,974
- What's so goddamn funny?
- Quiet, boy.
240
00:10:23,976 --> 00:10:28,061
Whi-i-i-i-i-ite people!
241
00:10:28,063 --> 00:10:30,647
[hip-hop music playing]
[laughing]
242
00:10:30,649 --> 00:10:34,451
- I did not see that coming.
- I can't take this crap!
243
00:10:34,453 --> 00:10:37,320
- I'm sick of your bullshit!
- Stop it!
244
00:10:37,322 --> 00:10:39,456
Like it or not, we are a family now.
245
00:10:39,458 --> 00:10:42,959
You two need to spend the day
together like father and son.
246
00:10:42,961 --> 00:10:45,328
- But, Mommy...
- Oh, Anita, I don't want to.
247
00:10:45,330 --> 00:10:46,663
No arguments!
248
00:10:46,665 --> 00:10:48,048
Both: Yes, ma'am.
249
00:10:48,050 --> 00:10:50,217
Oh, what's the matter, Malloy?
250
00:10:50,219 --> 00:10:52,669
Daddy and grandpa Denzel
were fighting.
251
00:10:52,671 --> 00:10:56,339
- I'm scared, gam-gam.
- Oh, you poor little bear.
252
00:10:56,341 --> 00:10:59,926
Here, I found this stack of
hundreds in Woody's underwear drawer.
253
00:10:59,928 --> 00:11:02,345
White people.
You know what I'm saying.
254
00:11:02,347 --> 00:11:05,181
[hip-hop music playing]
255
00:11:05,183 --> 00:11:07,017
One for me and one for Pat
256
00:11:07,019 --> 00:11:10,520
- and four for me and one for Pat.
- Connie, what are you doing?
257
00:11:10,522 --> 00:11:12,439
You're taking enough food
for ten people.
258
00:11:12,441 --> 00:11:15,358
Yeah. You usually only
take enough for nine.
259
00:11:15,360 --> 00:11:18,194
Um, there's a good re...
uh, a good explana...
260
00:11:18,196 --> 00:11:20,530
uh...
[grunting]
261
00:11:20,532 --> 00:11:24,334
Day two in the mysterious disappearance
of television icon Pat Sajak.
262
00:11:24,336 --> 00:11:26,620
Last seen at his hotel,
witnesses report seeing
263
00:11:26,622 --> 00:11:30,206
some sort of giant orange
sea cow in the vicinity.
264
00:11:30,208 --> 00:11:33,209
Connie's hoarding food,
and Pat Sajak is missing?
265
00:11:33,211 --> 00:11:36,179
Steve, are you doing the math on this?
266
00:11:36,181 --> 00:11:38,882
Yes.
267
00:11:38,884 --> 00:11:40,383
Boobies!
268
00:11:43,188 --> 00:11:44,604
It is kind of nice out here.
269
00:11:44,606 --> 00:11:46,856
I'm only here because
Mommy's making me.
270
00:11:46,858 --> 00:11:49,059
You are on my everlasting shit list!
271
00:11:49,061 --> 00:11:53,029
Okay, look, I was a little hard
on you, but I'd say we're even now.
272
00:11:53,031 --> 00:11:55,899
- Plus, I really do like your mama.
- Whatever.
273
00:11:55,901 --> 00:11:58,785
Oh, damn it. I don't know
how to bait this hook.
274
00:11:58,787 --> 00:12:01,488
Here you go. Didn't your
dad ever take you fishing?
275
00:12:01,490 --> 00:12:03,740
Only once, and it took
that hooker all night
276
00:12:03,742 --> 00:12:06,710
to get her fists deep up my...
Oh, "fishing."
277
00:12:06,712 --> 00:12:09,020
No, he didn't.
278
00:12:09,748 --> 00:12:12,882
- Oh, I got one. I got one!
- Oh, get him! Reel him in!
279
00:12:12,884 --> 00:12:15,302
[both grunting]
I got him.
280
00:12:15,304 --> 00:12:16,303
We got him.
281
00:12:16,305 --> 00:12:19,055
Good job, son.
This a nice fish.
282
00:12:19,057 --> 00:12:21,975
- Agh! He bit me.
- Man, [bleep] that fish.
283
00:12:21,977 --> 00:12:26,062
[gunshots]
Whoo!
284
00:12:26,064 --> 00:12:29,683
[cheerful music]
285
00:12:29,685 --> 00:12:31,768
Ouch! My leg!
286
00:12:31,770 --> 00:12:34,270
[gunshots]
287
00:12:37,442 --> 00:12:40,327
You goddamn...
[gunshot]
288
00:12:40,897 --> 00:12:43,815
[chain saw whirring]
289
00:12:43,817 --> 00:12:46,200
Oh, my god.
I knew it.
290
00:12:46,202 --> 00:12:48,953
She killed Pat Sajak
and chopped him up.
291
00:12:48,955 --> 00:12:51,322
I'm not seeing that.
[grunts]
292
00:12:53,543 --> 00:12:55,043
[air escaping]
293
00:12:55,045 --> 00:12:57,495
Oh, my god.
Ethel's dead!
294
00:12:57,497 --> 00:13:00,081
- Then who the hell are you?
- I'm Ethel.
295
00:13:00,083 --> 00:13:03,584
Then if you're Ethel,
I must be... Pat Sajak!
296
00:13:03,586 --> 00:13:06,054
So this is a mask!
[grunts]
297
00:13:06,056 --> 00:13:08,506
It's stuck on there pretty good.
298
00:13:08,508 --> 00:13:11,509
Okay, maybe this knife will help.
299
00:13:11,511 --> 00:13:13,177
[screaming]
Oh, yeah.
300
00:13:13,179 --> 00:13:16,931
Okay, it's working!
It's working!
301
00:13:16,933 --> 00:13:21,018
I'm not Pat Sajak!
I'm a skeleton!
302
00:13:21,020 --> 00:13:26,190
[laughing]
White people, now I get it!
303
00:13:28,528 --> 00:13:29,660
Oh.
304
00:13:29,662 --> 00:13:31,028
Hey, uh,
everything cool, Woody?
305
00:13:31,030 --> 00:13:34,332
Yeah. It's just... well, they're
having a father-son picnic
306
00:13:34,334 --> 00:13:36,451
this weekend, and it makes me sad.
307
00:13:36,453 --> 00:13:38,336
That they have to advertise
these things in bars?
308
00:13:38,338 --> 00:13:41,205
No, because my dad
promised to take me to one once,
309
00:13:41,207 --> 00:13:42,373
but he never showed.
310
00:13:42,375 --> 00:13:46,177
- If only I'd dusted that [bleep] plant.
- Hey, you know what?
311
00:13:46,179 --> 00:13:47,879
I'll take you
to the father-son picnic.
312
00:13:47,881 --> 00:13:51,849
- You'd really do that for me?
- I still want to buy your slave.
313
00:13:51,851 --> 00:13:54,385
- Him.
- He's not a slave!
314
00:13:54,387 --> 00:13:57,138
- He's my father.
- Ooh!
315
00:13:57,140 --> 00:13:59,724
[all grunting]
316
00:14:00,560 --> 00:14:03,861
Uh-oh. It's 9:30.
Mommy told me to be home at 9:00.
317
00:14:03,863 --> 00:14:06,531
Don't worry about your mama.
This is father-and-son time.
318
00:14:06,533 --> 00:14:09,233
Now let's bash
this mother[bleep]'s skull in
319
00:14:09,235 --> 00:14:11,953
- together.
- Father-son time!
320
00:14:11,955 --> 00:14:14,489
- Father-son time!
- Yeah.
321
00:14:14,491 --> 00:14:16,707
[slurring] Shh.
My mom's a sheep.
322
00:14:16,709 --> 00:14:19,076
Did I say "sheep"?
I meant to say "asleep."
323
00:14:19,078 --> 00:14:21,579
Woodrow, you missed your curfew.
324
00:14:21,581 --> 00:14:25,216
- What am I going to do with you?
- Hmm. I got an idea.
325
00:14:25,218 --> 00:14:28,920
[Woody screaming]
[birds squawking, bees buzzing]
326
00:14:31,974 --> 00:14:34,608
Oh, Pat,
have I got a surprise for you.
327
00:14:34,610 --> 00:14:36,510
Please don't tell me
there's a Front Pat.
328
00:14:36,512 --> 00:14:38,345
[stairs creaking]
329
00:14:38,347 --> 00:14:40,397
What do you think?
330
00:14:40,399 --> 00:14:43,016
Now you can live the game
with me forever.
331
00:14:43,018 --> 00:14:47,187
Wheel... of... fortune!
332
00:14:47,189 --> 00:14:50,023
Oh, my god! Connie
kidnapped an oompa loompa!
333
00:14:50,025 --> 00:14:53,160
- That's Pat Sajak, you idiot.
- Right.
334
00:14:53,162 --> 00:14:55,195
Oompa loompas aren't
that short and orange.
335
00:14:55,197 --> 00:14:58,615
- I'm calling the cops.
- If you do that, Pat Sajak will die.
336
00:14:58,617 --> 00:15:00,834
Your friend Connie has snapped.
337
00:15:00,836 --> 00:15:04,337
If you want to save his life,
you will do as I say.
338
00:15:04,339 --> 00:15:06,873
- Who are you?
- Name's Buzz Buzzer.
339
00:15:06,875 --> 00:15:09,676
I'm a professional game show
"host-age" negotiator.
340
00:15:09,678 --> 00:15:12,712
How often are popular
game show hosts held hostage?
341
00:15:12,714 --> 00:15:16,016
More than you think.
2012, Family feud.
342
00:15:16,018 --> 00:15:19,302
You think Richard Dawson
died of natural causes?
343
00:15:19,304 --> 00:15:20,303
[imitates buzzer]
344
00:15:20,305 --> 00:15:25,058
2006, Press your luck.
You think Peter Tomarken retired?
345
00:15:25,060 --> 00:15:26,726
[imitates whammy buzzer]
346
00:15:26,728 --> 00:15:30,363
Dick Clark was kidnapped and killed
on seven separate occasions.
347
00:15:30,365 --> 00:15:32,282
We had to keep
tracking down look-alikes.
348
00:15:32,284 --> 00:15:35,735
By the time he had the stroke,
we were on our tenth dick.
349
00:15:35,737 --> 00:15:37,654
Sounds like Ethel on a slow weekend.
350
00:15:37,656 --> 00:15:39,573
Gam-gam bought me this,
by the way.
351
00:15:39,575 --> 00:15:41,118
See you later, assholes.
352
00:15:41,255 --> 00:15:43,062
[whiring]
353
00:15:44,296 --> 00:15:45,996
Damn, Woody.
354
00:15:45,998 --> 00:15:47,547
That woman's never going to stop
treating you like a child
355
00:15:47,549 --> 00:15:48,882
unless you stand up for yourself.
356
00:15:48,884 --> 00:15:50,750
Be a man.
I raised you better than that.
357
00:15:50,752 --> 00:15:53,053
You know what, dad?
You're right.
358
00:15:53,055 --> 00:15:56,056
It is time for me
to stand up for myself.
359
00:15:56,058 --> 00:15:57,140
[screams]
360
00:15:57,142 --> 00:15:59,593
Those [bleep] birds
ate my hamstrings.
361
00:15:59,595 --> 00:16:03,263
Once you're in, just act like
contestants and play the game.
362
00:16:03,265 --> 00:16:05,732
When Connie wins,
the euphoria will distract her.
363
00:16:05,734 --> 00:16:08,318
Then you grab Sajak and get out.
364
00:16:08,320 --> 00:16:10,403
If the crimson beast loses,
365
00:16:10,405 --> 00:16:14,488
wah-woh!
Game over.
366
00:16:14,610 --> 00:16:17,110
Anita, your son has something
to say to you.
367
00:16:17,112 --> 00:16:18,662
What is it?
368
00:16:18,664 --> 00:16:21,114
Uh, you are the prettiest
Mommy in the whole world.
369
00:16:21,116 --> 00:16:23,250
- Bye.
- Woody, tell her.
370
00:16:23,252 --> 00:16:24,534
All right, all right.
371
00:16:24,536 --> 00:16:27,537
Uh, Mommy, when you let
africanized bees
372
00:16:27,539 --> 00:16:31,374
bloodthirsty crows attack me,
it's not nice, and I...
373
00:16:31,376 --> 00:16:35,929
- I don't want you to do that anymore.
- Oh, I had no idea.
374
00:16:35,931 --> 00:16:37,714
Would it make you
feel any better
375
00:16:37,716 --> 00:16:40,717
if I whipped you
with a rusty bicycle chain?!
376
00:16:40,719 --> 00:16:42,352
Oh, Jesus Christ!
377
00:16:42,354 --> 00:16:44,971
And you!
You put him up to this.
378
00:16:44,973 --> 00:16:47,607
You're a bad influence on my son.
379
00:16:47,609 --> 00:16:49,309
Don't you talk that way
to me, woman.
380
00:16:49,311 --> 00:16:50,977
[chain rattling]
381
00:16:50,979 --> 00:16:54,493
Bitch, you think you're the only
one with a bicycle chain?
382
00:16:55,660 --> 00:16:58,485
- I'd like to buy an E.
- You don't really expect me
383
00:16:58,487 --> 00:17:00,320
to play along
with this insanity, do you?
384
00:17:00,322 --> 00:17:03,073
Yeah. Unless you want
me to cut off your face
385
00:17:03,075 --> 00:17:06,293
- and feed it to Back-Pat.
- Do we have any Es?
386
00:17:06,295 --> 00:17:08,578
Steve? Ethel?
387
00:17:08,580 --> 00:17:10,664
What are you doing
on Wheel of fortune?
388
00:17:10,666 --> 00:17:12,916
We're here to play the game, Connie.
389
00:17:12,918 --> 00:17:15,752
Yay!
Sorry, Gary. Sorry, Charlene.
390
00:17:15,754 --> 00:17:17,837
Your time is up.
Thanks for playing.
391
00:17:17,839 --> 00:17:20,507
Goddamn mother[bleep]!
[screams]
392
00:17:20,509 --> 00:17:23,260
Help me, please! I'm too
rich and important to die.
393
00:17:23,262 --> 00:17:26,132
- I'm Pat [bleep] Sajak.
- Shhh.
394
00:17:28,734 --> 00:17:30,734
$5,000? Crap.
395
00:17:30,736 --> 00:17:33,770
Remember, Steve, you gotta lose.
Guess the letter Q.
396
00:17:33,772 --> 00:17:37,607
That's a terrible idea.
I bet this puzzle's full of Qs.
397
00:17:37,609 --> 00:17:41,444
- Is there an S?
- There are five Ses.
398
00:17:41,446 --> 00:17:43,196
Huh.
What are the odds of that?
399
00:17:43,198 --> 00:17:44,581
[growling]
400
00:17:44,583 --> 00:17:46,616
[Back-Pat]
She's going to murder you all.
401
00:17:46,618 --> 00:17:48,034
[Denzel and Anita shouting]
[objects clattering]
402
00:17:48,036 --> 00:17:49,536
- Don't touch me with that!
- Ow!
403
00:17:49,538 --> 00:17:52,172
Stop it! Hey!
[door opens]
404
00:17:52,174 --> 00:17:54,090
Woodrow, there's something
we have to tell you.
405
00:17:54,092 --> 00:17:56,876
Son, your mama and I
are getting a divorce.
406
00:17:56,878 --> 00:18:00,711
- Oh, no! It's my fault.
- Oh, it's not your fault.
407
00:18:00,733 --> 00:18:04,711
The divorce fairy came...
Of course it's your fault!
408
00:18:04,745 --> 00:18:07,334
[sobbing]
Oh, no! I did it again!
409
00:18:07,425 --> 00:18:09,892
Maybe I wasn't meant
to have a daddy.
410
00:18:09,894 --> 00:18:12,595
Aw, don't listen to her.
This ain't your fault.
411
00:18:12,597 --> 00:18:15,264
You're a good boy, Woody.
You just got a crazy-ass mama.
412
00:18:15,266 --> 00:18:19,068
Well, we can still go
to the father-son picnic, right?
413
00:18:19,070 --> 00:18:22,405
Not if we're not father and son.
Them's the rules.
414
00:18:22,407 --> 00:18:25,274
There's only one thing
that's going to end this pain.
415
00:18:25,276 --> 00:18:28,161
[crying]
416
00:18:30,165 --> 00:18:32,365
Steve, what are you doing?
417
00:18:32,367 --> 00:18:34,367
You're supposed to lose,
you dipshit.
418
00:18:34,369 --> 00:18:35,785
I'm trying to lose.
419
00:18:35,787 --> 00:18:37,503
Would you like to solve
the puzzle, Steve?
420
00:18:37,505 --> 00:18:38,838
Steve, don't even answer.
421
00:18:38,840 --> 00:18:42,508
- Get off my ballsack, Ethel. [bell dings]
- That's correct.
422
00:18:42,510 --> 00:18:44,344
The category was
"things that Fred Mertz
423
00:18:44,346 --> 00:18:46,179
should have said on I Love Lucy."
424
00:18:46,181 --> 00:18:49,932
- And Steve is the winner.
- Connie's not supposed to lose!
425
00:18:49,934 --> 00:18:52,552
Connie smash!
426
00:18:52,554 --> 00:18:55,471
[both grunting]
427
00:18:55,473 --> 00:19:00,059
Help! I'm being crushed
by a 350-pound monster.
428
00:19:00,061 --> 00:19:02,088
[bell dings] That's correct.
The category was
429
00:19:02,185 --> 00:19:04,647
"things Rebel Wilson's couch
might say."
430
00:19:07,233 --> 00:19:10,128
Oh, I can't believe I let myself fall
431
00:19:10,130 --> 00:19:13,365
under the voodoo spell
of that black man's dick.
432
00:19:13,367 --> 00:19:16,134
You know all the money I took
out of your underwear drawer?
433
00:19:16,136 --> 00:19:19,938
I think he stole some of that
out of my purse... typical.
434
00:19:19,940 --> 00:19:22,774
Don't you ever
talk that way about him.
435
00:19:22,776 --> 00:19:25,777
Uh-oh.
Does somebody need a spanking?
436
00:19:25,779 --> 00:19:28,163
Screw your spankings!
Denzel's right.
437
00:19:28,165 --> 00:19:29,998
I am done being
pushed around by you.
438
00:19:30,000 --> 00:19:33,201
I'm not the reason daddy left.
You are!
439
00:19:33,203 --> 00:19:35,036
What are you saying, Woody?
440
00:19:35,038 --> 00:19:36,921
Sorry, Mommy.
That was a little harsh.
441
00:19:36,923 --> 00:19:38,923
I guess what I really
meant to say is:
442
00:19:38,925 --> 00:19:42,344
- Get the [bleep] out! [thud]
- No, gam-gam, don't go.
443
00:19:42,346 --> 00:19:46,047
I ne... I need more presents.
I m... I mean I love you.
444
00:19:46,049 --> 00:19:47,716
I don't have
any more money, Malloy.
445
00:19:47,718 --> 00:19:50,268
Choke on my balls.
446
00:19:50,270 --> 00:19:51,353
[screams]
447
00:19:51,355 --> 00:19:53,189
[growling]
448
00:19:53,190 --> 00:19:55,390
You bastard.
449
00:19:55,392 --> 00:19:57,392
You made me love you
and your godlike knowledge
450
00:19:57,394 --> 00:19:59,944
of the alphabet,
and then you made me lose.
451
00:19:59,946 --> 00:20:01,479
Now you must die, Pat!
452
00:20:01,481 --> 00:20:04,816
[chain saw whirring]
453
00:20:04,818 --> 00:20:06,868
I am not losing another one.
454
00:20:06,870 --> 00:20:09,954
I'll hold her off!
Save Sajak!
455
00:20:09,956 --> 00:20:12,374
[growling]
[groaning]
456
00:20:12,376 --> 00:20:15,543
Bah... bah... bur... brr...
457
00:20:15,545 --> 00:20:17,045
Give me back my Pat!
458
00:20:17,047 --> 00:20:20,915
Wait, why are we risking
our lives for Pat Sajak?
459
00:20:20,986 --> 00:20:23,020
Please don't hurt me.
I'll do anything.
460
00:20:23,022 --> 00:20:24,588
Anything?
461
00:20:24,590 --> 00:20:29,695
- And please welcome my lovely cohost.
- Hi, Pat. [thud]
462
00:20:31,596 --> 00:20:34,264
[gunshot]
463
00:20:34,266 --> 00:20:37,901
- Daddy, who's that man?
- Looks like a pedophile, son.
464
00:20:37,903 --> 00:20:42,206
- Hey, he's no pedophile. He's my son.
- Denzel, you came!
465
00:20:42,208 --> 00:20:46,310
Shh, now let's crush these
five-year-old skulls... together.
466
00:20:46,362 --> 00:20:47,962
[grunting] [music]
# Teamwork #
467
00:20:47,964 --> 00:20:52,366
♪ you know we're going to
do it together ♪ [grunting]
468
00:20:52,368 --> 00:20:54,068
Yeah!
469
00:20:54,070 --> 00:20:55,936
♪ teamwork ♪
470
00:20:55,938 --> 00:20:59,773
♪ we'll make it forever ♪
471
00:20:59,775 --> 00:21:01,220
♪ yeah ♪
472
00:21:01,831 --> 00:21:04,675
sync & correction by f1nc0
~ Addic7ed.com ~
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