Original subtitles

- Whoo! That was good, baby.

I bet you ain't made a face like that since your last stroke.

- Don't light that. I'm on oxygen--

- Congratulations, denzel.

This is your fourth sex-related injury this month.

- What can I say, doc?

Sleeping with old ladies is dangerous.

Whoa!

Wah! Hey!

Oh, shit!

Ah! Hey!

Ow! Help me! Hey!

Ow! Ow!

Ah! Teefers! Teefers!

- Denzel, your unnatural attraction to elderly women

Is a condition called gerontophilia,

And it is often fatal.

- Fatal? I'll kill for pussy,

But I ain't gonna die for it.

- Luckily, this condition can be cured

By a simple outpatient procedure.

- Really? Okay, let's do it.

- Let's get you prepped.

- Hey, what are you doing back-- ow!

- And now for the test.

Tammy! Gladys!

Could you come in here, please?

Now, denzel, which do you prefer?

Nurse?

Or hearse?

I now pronounce you cured, denzel.

How do you feel?

- I wanna be a fireman!

[heroic music]

- Ah!

♪ brickleberry! ♪

- And not only am I cured of my lust for grannies,

I'm dating dr. Kuzniak's hot nurse, tammy.

- That's great, buddy. - Yeah.

I was starting to think you were some kind of weirdo.

- And that's coming from a shaved gorilla

Who eats potpourri.

- It makes my farts smell like christmas.

- I have big news, too.

- Cancer, cancer, cancer...

- No. I'm also dating someone.

Her name is tj.

She's smoking hot. She's athletic.

- Steve, uh, you can't date

The characters you create on wii fit.

- Oh, leave steve alone.

I think it's sweet he's got an imaginary girlfriend.

- She's not imaginary. And I'll prove it.

Let's go on a double date.

- All right. I'll bring tammy.

You bring kate made-up-ton.

- Bonjour, mon co-travailleurs.

Don't you want to know why I'm speaking french?

- Because you're a whore. - No.

I'm entering the miss national park beauty pageant.

- I couldn't give two squirts of piss.

Seriously, I got a prostate

The size of melissa mccarthy's head.

- First place is a round-trip ticket to anywhere in the world,

And I'm going to paris.

- How can you be so sure you'll win?

- Please. It's the surest bet ever.

The rest of the contestants look like...

Park rangers. - Really, ethel?

Beauty pageants are stupid and sexist.

- That's what people who look like park rangers always say.

- "you're a dead man, fatso."

Oh, connie, it's for you.

- Unh!

- "I'm talking about you, woody johnson."

Stop breaking my [bleep] window! Argh!

- Woody, why did that rock say you're a dead man?

- Oh, it's nothing.

Probably just some of the animals having fun.

Steve!

Put on this mustache and go start my car.

[car starts]

[explosion] - ah!

- No! - I got you now, johnson!

- God damn it.

I thought the one place I'd be safe

Is a dark, dead-end alley.

- Shut the hell up!

Now give me the 20 grand you owe me.

- I have gotta stop betting on quidditch.

I thought hufflepuff was due.

- You better pay up now.

Or I'm gonna take a glass rod,

Heat it up with a blowtorch,

And stick it up your--

[cell phone rings]

Hi, baby.

Oh, scoodles went pee pee on the rug?

Well, I'll come home and clean it up straightaway.

I love you more than rainbows. Buh-bye.

- Oh! - So anyway...

Glass rod, blowtorch...

And it's going straight up your--

[cell phone rings] hi, plum fairy.

Oh, you want hazelnut truffles from the cheesecake factory?

Well, sure thing, fluffy kitten.

[meows] where was I?

- Glass rod?

- Right. Thank you.

Glass rod! I'm gonna--

- Hold on. Give me another chance.

A bet. Double or nothing.

- On what?

- Uh, hold on. Let me think.

- It's the surest bet ever. - On ethel anderson

Winning the miss national park beauty pageant.

- Okay, you're on.

- Ah! - And when you lose...

I'm gonna take that aforementioned glass rod and--

[cell phone rings]

Hey, little lamb.

Heh--leave woody johnson alone? Why?

- Because he's a nice man.

Well, what'd she say?

[video game gunfire]

- Ha! You are suck penis.

- I am suck penis? Hmm.

- You are suck big gay penis.

- Shut up, god damn it. I'm trying to concentrate.

- Ah! Ha-ha! You lose!

Now I make sex in your face with my penis balls.

- Stop it.

I mean it! Cut it out!

- Tea bag termination.

- I'll get you for this, you son of a bitch.

- I in china.

What you gonna do, bag of douche?

[laughs]

- Woody!

The cleaning lady broke another picture.

- So, I guess you didn't do that, either, did you, inez?

Just like you didn't maul me in my sleep

Or order all this hardcore bear porn?

- ♪ alouette, gentille aloutte ♪

♪ aloutte, je te plumarai ♪

- Well, hello there, prettiest ranger ever.

Which dress do you like best?

- Oh, see, I thought you stopped cross-dressing.

- They're not for me,

You stupid but perceptive lady.

They're for you.

I'm gonna help you win miss national park.

I'm your new coach.

- So now you care about the pageant?

- Hell yeah. My life is on the line here.

I mean, heh, your trip to paris,

Which I really give a shit about.

- Cut the crap. What's going on?

- All right, all right.

The truth is I borrowed some money from manslaughter mcgill,

And if you don't win that pageant,

He's gonna stick a glass rod up my--

Well, he never told me.

But there isn't any good place to stick a glass rod!

- I can't wait for the girls to get here.

I've never been on a double date.

- 20 bucks says my girl's hotter than yours.

- You are so on.

- Hey, boys.

- Hey, baby. - Hey there.

Both: Where's your girl?

- Right here. This is tj.

- No this isn't. This is tammy.

- It's tammy jane.

I go by either.

Surprise. - What?

You know what this means, right? - Yeah.

She's a clone! Kill her!

- No! She's going out with both of us.

This ain't gonna fly.

You gotta choose.

Which one of us do you want?

- Okay. I'm choosing denzel. - Shut up, steve.

- Well, I'd rather be with you than a stupid clone.

- I'm not a clone.

And I don't want to choose.

I like you both.

What do you think about a menage a trois?

- Menage a trois?

What does denzel's cousin have to do with this?

- Aw, don't be a dumbass, steve.

That's some kind of chicken dish, right?

- Guys, what I'm proposing is a threesome.

Both: Oh!

- What's that?

- Ethel, I can't believe you're going through with this.

Pageants ruin people's lives.

- Why are you so anti-pageant?

What do you even know about them?

- More than you think. When I was younger,

I was a world champion pageant queen.

- Just remember, sweetie.

You're beautiful and talented, but if you lose,

Jesus will kill grandma and send her to hell.

- Okay, mommy.

- Oh, wait. You forgot your energy snort.

Time for the skinny bucket.

- ♪ oh, yankee doodle went to town ♪

♪ riding on a pony... ♪

But just as I hit my high note,

I also hit puberty.

♪ he stuck a feather in his hat ♪

♪ and called it... ♪

[adult voice] ♪ macaroni ♪

[crowd screams] - ah!

- Did I win?

I had to walk home that day.

And when I got there, my family had moved.

I never felt loved again.

I'm telling you, ethel,

Pageants are evil.

- Hmm. Sounds like you're just jealous

Because you can never win one again.

- I could still win if I wanted to.

- Win what, a pie-eating contest?

A dog show? Most bacne?

Biggest shadow? World's sweatiest gunt?

- I'll show you.

I'm gonna enter the miss national park pageant

And beat your skinny little ass!

- What's going on?

Connie! Don't speak to the talent.

- Actually, connie has decided to enter the pageant.

- Good idea, connie.

Ethel will look even prettier

Standing next to a red-headed refrigerator.

- No, I can win.

- Win what, a pie-eating contest?

[laughs]

- I already did that one.

- Oh. How about sweatiest gunt?

- Yep. - Goddamn malloy.

He's selling these insults to everybody.

- Forget it, man. I ain't doing this threesome.

There ain't no way I'm getting in bed with another dude.

- It's not just another dude.

You'd be in bed with me.

- Shh. Steve, my dick can hear you.

- Come on, man. It'll be fun.

Did your dick hear that? - Steve, I'm telling you.

Two-dude threesomes are dangerous.

- What are you talking about? - I know this guy artie, right?

He was doing a two-dude threesome,

And then out of nowhere... Boom!

Gets hit in the chest with some runaway jizz.

That's some shit you ain't coming back from.

- Man. - Oh, you think that's bad?

My boy reggie?

He and his brother, tyreke, did a threesome.

Shit went wrong...

Those two mother[bleep] is married now.

- See? A happy ending.

Come on, this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

Please?

- Oh, all right.

But if we do this thing,

We gonna do it right.

Time to take you to school.

- Oh, I'm not allowed within 50 feet of those.

My parole officer calls them "temptation houses."

- Step, two, three, four.

Turn around and show the back door.

Now do it with your ass. - Woody, what are you doing?

I'm 90 pounds. - That's right, oprah.

We need to get you into the 80s.

Now shake that fat ass and give me sparkle fingers!

You better make those fingers sparkle or I'll cut 'em off.

- Jesus christ, woody.

- You're right. You're right.

I'm sorry. Here.

I got you a little something to help you win.

- Oh, woody.

Wait, what are these numbers?

- It's the judges' hotel rooms.

You're gonna get sparkle-fingered

By every single one of them.

- Oh, where did you go, little cute connie?

I'll never win.

- Of course you can win.

- I know.

A pie-eating contest.

A whale-a-thon.

A boner-killing contest.

- No. The pageant.

And is it cool if I have that boner contest line?

- This is hopeless.

- Nonsense. I can help you win this thing,

On one condition.

I get the first-prize plane ticket.

My goal is to see china and murder a child.

- Uh, why don't you just kill a chinese kid here?

- Not any chinese kid.

That peking dick

Who put my tea bag humiliation video on youtube.

- You got a deal.

I don't care about the prize.

I just want to beat ethel.

- We have got a lot of work to do.

There is no getting around the fact that

You're about as hot as a young john goodman.

- Thank you.

- But you can take the whole thing

If you nail the q&a and talent competitions.

- Those two are my specialties.

I'll be a pageant queen again.

Yay! Time to celebrate!

[farts]

It's beginning to smell a lot like christmas.

- Whoa!

Hey! Ah!

- Ladies, I've produced this pageant for 22 years.

Remember, you're all just sides of beef.

Smiles, everyone. Smiles.

- You don't have a chance.

You're...Going...Down.

- Yeah, on miss grand tetons after I win.

- That's it, connie. Don't let her get in your head.

You're a star.

- Yeah, 'cause people go blind when they stare at her.

Heh. That sucks.

Malloy, save these crappy jokes for aziz ansari.

- And tonight's pageant will be judged by...

Former nba star and father of 37...

Shawn kemp!

Titty bar owner jorge!

And washed-up actress susan sarandon.

And now, let's meet our contestants!

[upbeat music plays]

- Oh, yeah!

- Unh!

- Oh, you pregnant now.

- Now, this "x" is me...

This "x" is you...

And tammy's the "o."

Rule number one...

The "x"s can never touch.

- Question.

How does her vagina get big enough

To fit both of our wieners?

- Steve, you dumbass!

We don't go in the same hole at the same time.

Stick to the game plan.

No audibles. No changing the play.

- When can I talk dirty?

Girls love this one:

Your vagina looks extra moist.

- Steve!

[upbeat music plays]

- Next up, we have ethel anderson.

Ethel is 5'6" and weighs 95 pounds.

She loves eating and vomiting,

And her hobbies include

Drunken hook-ups, walks of shame,

And late-term abortions.

- Sorry, I just wrote down everything I knew about you.

- And finally...

Connie cunaman.

Connie is 12 hands high with good gums

And apparently has broken our scale.

- Connie! Where's your bikini bottom?

- It's right here.

My camel toe's eating it.

See?

[crowd gasps]

- I got this love doll to help us practice.

Now show me your moves.

[farting noises]

What is that noise? Is your ass queefing?

- My butthole makes sounds when it's relaxed.

- Clench that bitch!

Now what we about to do is a dangerous dance.

When I go left, you go right.

When I go up, you go down.

When I'm in the mouth, you go south.

When I go pink, you go stink.

Ready? One, two...

- Ah! I won!

- Steve, don't tell me you nutted.

- [snoring]

- Our first question for ethel

Will come from ex-nba star and father of 37, shawn kemp.

- I like them titties.

- That's not actually a question.

- I like them...

Titties?

- Still not a question.

You just went up at the end.

- I'll ask the question.

Ethel, what do you think is the most pressing issue

Facing young women today?

- I'd like to quote sheryl sandberg--

- Thank you. Connie, same question.

- God bless the troops and puppies!

[crowd cheers]

- Ethel, get your shit together

Or that pussy-whipped gangster's gonna kill me.

- Snow angel!

Crab walk!

Spin cycle!

Go for the "o"!

Eiffel tower!

- I think I'm ready.

I didn't mess up once. - You are ready.

And if you can keep your focus here,

You can do it anywhere.

- ♪ I don't know where ♪

♪ I don't know when ♪

♪ but I know something's about to begin ♪

♪ look and you'll know ♪

♪ some day I'll go ♪

♪ inside your world ♪

[crowd applauds]

Beat that, bitch.

- Next up, ethel anderson.

[crowd cheers]

- Yes! Now it's in the bag.

Heh. Where connie's face belongs.

Eh?

Malloy, I'm writing all my own shit now.

- Wrong again, woodrow. I'm making some changes.

This beauty pageant's about to get ugly.

- Oh, yeah? Who died and made you producer?

- The producer.

Cleaning lady did it.

- Yeah, I guess she's still pissed at me

'cause I made her clean the toilet...

While I was still on it.

- Hi, guys.

- [giggles]

- Oh, don't mind him. When he gets nervous he giggles.

- Don't be nervous.

We just need to loosen up.

I know I could use a cock...

Tail.

[laughs]

To a fun night.

- What happened? Where are we?

- Holy shit! This bitch crazy!

Tammy?

- Tammy's gone.

I am lady ballcrusher,

Mistress of pain!

You two are now my slaves!

- W-why are you doing this?

- It turns me on to dominate stupid men.

- I'm not a stupid men. - Shut up!

Now get on your hands and knees

And act like the dogs you are!

- [sniffing] mm. Mm.

- Steve, just 'cause she told us to be dogs

Don't mean you have to sniff my ass.

- She told us what now?

[metal music plays]

- Welcome, welcome, welcome,

To the final event of the miss national park beauty pageant!

♪ ♪

- Cue the cage.

- A steel cage death match!

Last contestant standing will be...

Miss national park!

- What the hell, malloy? - Wait a minute.

Your girl against that orange bigfoot?

Well, I might as well take the glass rod

And shove it up your fingle-fangle right now!

- My what? [phone vibrates]

- Oh, shit. Missed a call from the wife.

She's gonna be pissed.

I gotta run. - Wait!

What's a fingle-fangle?

- Cue the weapons.

Let the hunger games begin!

♪ ♪

Now this is what I call a pageant.

- Woof! Woof! Arf! Arf! - [sniffs] mm. Mm. Mmm.

- How much longer do we have to do this?

- Shut up, fido!

- Uh, I thought I was fido.

Ah! - Time for your kibble.

Be right back.

- Man, I've had enough of this shit.

- Eyes on the prize, denzel.

It shouldn't be long till we have our threesome.

And she is so hot.

- Who the [bleep] are you?

- I'm fido. He's sparky.

- Are you two screwing my wife?

- That's why we're here.

- Steve! - Oh, sorry.

[imitates scooby-doo] rat's rhy re're rere!

- I'll kill you bastards!

- Ruh-roh. - Oh, you're not killing anyone.

- What's going on, tammy?

Are you cheating on me? - Shut up!

These guys are here for a threesome.

And they're gonna have it!

- Yes!

- With you. - W-w-w-what?

- With me? - Yes.

Now stop delaying and start three-waying.

- Okay, sweetie. Anything for you.

- No! Don't listen to her!

- Sorry, guys.

In a marriage, you've got to choose your battles.

- Then choose this one! - Ooh!

- I got your text, tammy. Everything okay?

- Shut up and get in there! - Okay.

You know, this isn't even the weirdest thing I've done today.

- This is my octagon, bitch.

- Oh, shit.

- So who can't win a pageant anymore?

- Connie!

- Mommy?

What are you doing here?

- I thought seeing you in a pageant

Might make me love you again.

- And?

- Still not feeling it.

- Go ahead.

Pull the trigger.

You'd be doing me a favor.

Nobody loves me and nobody ever will.

- No.

You were right, connie.

Beauty pageants do destroy people's lives.

And all because we place winning above everything.

Well, I say that ends now.

Tonight, we are co-champions!

- Aw, that's sweet, ethel.

But guess what.

There's no such thing as co-champions!

- Ah!

- I'm miss national park!

- And I'm screwed.

- And I'm going to china.

Don't have your funeral till I get back.

I want to miss it intentionally.

- ♪ there she is ♪

♪ miss national park ♪

- [giggles]

- Hello, chang.

- Malloy. How you get here?

- I took a "prane." but that doesn't matter.

I am here to destroy you in person.

[motor whirs]

Oh, my god.

I had no idea...

It was gonna be this easy.

- [screams]

[thud]

- You sure about this?

I didn't think that threesome went that bad.

- Oh, shut the hell up, steve.

Young pussy's too much trouble.

Knock me back into liking old bitches.

- Okay, buddy. If that's what you want.

- Ow!

[knock at door]

- Excuse me, sonny.

We need some help.

- Well, hello there, sexy.

- Hello, yourself.

- I wasn't talking to you.

I was talking to that hot piece of ass right there.

- Oops. I think I hit him too hard.

- What kind of park is this?

- Ah! Ah!

Oh, shit! - [sighs]

- What's wrong, mcgill? You just don't seem into it.

- Just a little trouble with the wife.

- Well, I'm not a licensed therapist,

But there's something that's worked

With my wives in the past.

Even? - Even.

- Aah!