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1
00:00:02,135 --> 00:00:03,969
- Whoo!
That was good, baby.
2
00:00:03,971 --> 00:00:07,206
I bet you ain't made a face like
that since your last stroke.
3
00:00:07,208 --> 00:00:09,408
- Don't light that.
I'm on oxygen--
4
00:00:13,046 --> 00:00:14,680
- Congratulations, denzel.
5
00:00:14,682 --> 00:00:16,682
This is your fourth
sex-related injury this month.
6
00:00:16,684 --> 00:00:18,217
- What can I say, doc?
7
00:00:18,219 --> 00:00:19,618
Sleeping with old ladies
is dangerous.
8
00:00:21,221 --> 00:00:22,287
Whoa!
9
00:00:22,289 --> 00:00:25,290
Wah!
Hey!
10
00:00:25,292 --> 00:00:26,525
Oh, shit!
11
00:00:28,495 --> 00:00:29,495
Ah! Hey!
12
00:00:29,497 --> 00:00:31,196
Ow! Help me!
Hey!
13
00:00:31,198 --> 00:00:32,698
Ow!
Ow!
14
00:00:32,700 --> 00:00:34,299
Ah!
Teefers! Teefers!
15
00:00:34,301 --> 00:00:37,002
- Denzel, your unnatural
attraction to elderly women
16
00:00:37,004 --> 00:00:38,837
Is a condition called
gerontophilia,
17
00:00:38,839 --> 00:00:40,139
And it is often fatal.
18
00:00:40,141 --> 00:00:41,740
- Fatal?
I'll kill for pussy,
19
00:00:41,742 --> 00:00:43,142
But I ain't gonna die for it.
20
00:00:43,144 --> 00:00:44,843
- Luckily,
this condition can be cured
21
00:00:44,845 --> 00:00:46,879
By a simple
outpatient procedure.
22
00:00:46,881 --> 00:00:48,580
- Really?
Okay, let's do it.
23
00:00:48,582 --> 00:00:50,149
- Let's get you prepped.
24
00:00:52,052 --> 00:00:54,586
- Hey, what are you doing back--
ow!
25
00:00:54,588 --> 00:00:55,754
- And now for the test.
26
00:00:55,756 --> 00:00:57,356
Tammy!
Gladys!
27
00:00:57,358 --> 00:00:58,991
Could you come in here, please?
28
00:00:58,993 --> 00:01:00,526
Now, denzel,
which do you prefer?
29
00:01:00,528 --> 00:01:01,527
Nurse?
30
00:01:01,529 --> 00:01:03,529
Or hearse?
31
00:01:03,531 --> 00:01:05,531
I now pronounce you cured,
denzel.
32
00:01:05,533 --> 00:01:06,732
How do you feel?
33
00:01:06,734 --> 00:01:09,568
- I wanna be a fireman!
34
00:01:09,570 --> 00:01:13,405
[heroic music]
35
00:01:13,407 --> 00:01:14,406
- Ah!
36
00:01:14,408 --> 00:01:18,310
♪ brickleberry! ♪
37
00:01:20,780 --> 00:01:22,948
- And not only am I cured
of my lust for grannies,
38
00:01:22,950 --> 00:01:25,350
I'm dating dr. Kuzniak's
hot nurse, tammy.
39
00:01:25,352 --> 00:01:27,886
- That's great, buddy.
- Yeah.
40
00:01:27,888 --> 00:01:29,555
I was starting to think
you were some kind of weirdo.
41
00:01:29,557 --> 00:01:30,856
- And that's coming from
a shaved gorilla
42
00:01:30,858 --> 00:01:32,558
Who eats potpourri.
43
00:01:32,560 --> 00:01:34,927
- It makes my farts
smell like christmas.
44
00:01:34,929 --> 00:01:36,695
- I have big news, too.
45
00:01:36,697 --> 00:01:38,931
- Cancer, cancer, cancer...
46
00:01:38,933 --> 00:01:40,632
- No.
I'm also dating someone.
47
00:01:40,634 --> 00:01:42,267
Her name is tj.
48
00:01:42,269 --> 00:01:44,236
She's smoking hot.
She's athletic.
49
00:01:44,238 --> 00:01:45,771
- Steve, uh,
you can't date
50
00:01:45,773 --> 00:01:47,473
The characters
you create on wii fit.
51
00:01:47,475 --> 00:01:49,541
- Oh, leave steve alone.
52
00:01:49,543 --> 00:01:50,876
I think it's sweet he's got
an imaginary girlfriend.
53
00:01:50,878 --> 00:01:52,911
- She's not imaginary.
And I'll prove it.
54
00:01:52,913 --> 00:01:54,279
Let's go on a double date.
55
00:01:54,281 --> 00:01:55,647
- All right.
I'll bring tammy.
56
00:01:55,649 --> 00:01:57,416
You bring kate made-up-ton.
57
00:01:57,418 --> 00:02:00,486
- Bonjour,mon co-travailleurs.
58
00:02:00,488 --> 00:02:02,454
Don't you want to know why
I'm speaking french?
59
00:02:02,456 --> 00:02:05,124
- Because you're a whore.
- No.
60
00:02:05,126 --> 00:02:07,493
I'm entering the miss national
park beauty pageant.
61
00:02:07,495 --> 00:02:09,962
- I couldn't give
two squirts of piss.
62
00:02:09,964 --> 00:02:11,296
Seriously, I got a prostate
63
00:02:11,298 --> 00:02:13,565
The size
of melissa mccarthy's head.
64
00:02:13,567 --> 00:02:15,901
- First place is a round-trip
ticket to anywhere in the world,
65
00:02:15,903 --> 00:02:17,603
And I'm going to paris.
66
00:02:17,605 --> 00:02:19,004
- How can you be
so sure you'll win?
67
00:02:19,006 --> 00:02:21,306
- Please.
It's the surest bet ever.
68
00:02:21,308 --> 00:02:23,308
The rest of the contestants
look like...
69
00:02:23,310 --> 00:02:25,644
Park rangers.
- Really, ethel?
70
00:02:25,646 --> 00:02:28,080
Beauty pageants are
stupid and sexist.
71
00:02:28,082 --> 00:02:30,716
- That's what people who look
like park rangers always say.
72
00:02:32,919 --> 00:02:35,354
- "you're a dead man, fatso."
73
00:02:35,356 --> 00:02:36,455
Oh, connie, it's for you.
74
00:02:36,457 --> 00:02:37,556
- Unh!
75
00:02:39,192 --> 00:02:42,494
- "I'm talking about you,
woody johnson."
76
00:02:42,496 --> 00:02:46,365
Stop breaking my [bleep] window!
Argh!
77
00:02:46,367 --> 00:02:49,201
- Woody, why did that rock say
you're a dead man?
78
00:02:49,203 --> 00:02:50,669
- Oh, it's nothing.
79
00:02:50,671 --> 00:02:52,638
Probably just
some of the animals having fun.
80
00:02:52,640 --> 00:02:54,306
Steve!
81
00:02:54,308 --> 00:02:56,675
Put on this mustache
and go start my car.
82
00:02:56,677 --> 00:02:57,776
[car starts]
83
00:02:57,778 --> 00:03:00,679
[explosion]
- ah!
84
00:03:06,186 --> 00:03:07,953
- No!
- I got you now, johnson!
85
00:03:07,955 --> 00:03:09,621
- God damn it.
86
00:03:09,623 --> 00:03:10,956
I thought
the one place I'd be safe
87
00:03:10,958 --> 00:03:12,291
Is a dark, dead-end alley.
88
00:03:12,293 --> 00:03:13,525
- Shut the hell up!
89
00:03:13,527 --> 00:03:15,894
Now give me
the 20 grand you owe me.
90
00:03:15,896 --> 00:03:18,030
- I have gotta stop
betting on quidditch.
91
00:03:18,032 --> 00:03:19,698
I thought hufflepuff was due.
92
00:03:19,700 --> 00:03:21,366
- You better pay up now.
93
00:03:21,368 --> 00:03:23,302
Or I'm gonna take a glass rod,
94
00:03:23,304 --> 00:03:25,337
Heat it up with a blowtorch,
95
00:03:25,339 --> 00:03:26,905
And stick it up your--
96
00:03:26,907 --> 00:03:28,307
[cell phone rings]
97
00:03:28,309 --> 00:03:29,675
Hi, baby.
98
00:03:29,677 --> 00:03:31,877
Oh, scoodles went pee pee
on the rug?
99
00:03:31,879 --> 00:03:34,813
Well, I'll come home
and clean it up straightaway.
100
00:03:34,815 --> 00:03:36,982
I love you more than rainbows.
Buh-bye.
101
00:03:36,984 --> 00:03:38,550
- Oh!
- So anyway...
102
00:03:38,552 --> 00:03:40,752
Glass rod,
blowtorch...
103
00:03:40,754 --> 00:03:43,322
And it's going
straight up your--
104
00:03:43,324 --> 00:03:46,158
[cell phone rings]
hi, plum fairy.
105
00:03:46,160 --> 00:03:49,161
Oh, you want hazelnut truffles
from the cheesecake factory?
106
00:03:49,163 --> 00:03:50,829
Well, sure thing,
fluffy kitten.
107
00:03:50,831 --> 00:03:52,598
[meows]
where was I?
108
00:03:52,600 --> 00:03:53,899
- Glass rod?
109
00:03:53,901 --> 00:03:54,933
- Right.
Thank you.
110
00:03:54,935 --> 00:03:56,902
Glass rod!
I'm gonna--
111
00:03:56,904 --> 00:03:58,904
- Hold on.
Give me another chance.
112
00:03:58,906 --> 00:04:00,572
A bet.
Double or nothing.
113
00:04:00,574 --> 00:04:01,673
- On what?
114
00:04:01,675 --> 00:04:03,675
- Uh, hold on.
Let me think.
115
00:04:03,677 --> 00:04:05,911
- It's the surest bet ever.
- On ethel anderson
116
00:04:05,913 --> 00:04:08,347
Winning the miss national park
beauty pageant.
117
00:04:08,349 --> 00:04:09,881
- Okay, you're on.
118
00:04:09,883 --> 00:04:11,717
- Ah!
- And when you lose...
119
00:04:11,719 --> 00:04:14,753
I'm gonna take that
aforementioned glass rod and--
120
00:04:14,755 --> 00:04:15,787
[cell phone rings]
121
00:04:15,789 --> 00:04:17,589
Hey, little lamb.
122
00:04:17,591 --> 00:04:20,759
Heh--leave woody johnson alone?
Why?
123
00:04:20,761 --> 00:04:23,595
- Because he's a nice man.
124
00:04:25,431 --> 00:04:27,432
Well, what'd she say?
125
00:04:27,434 --> 00:04:28,767
[video game gunfire]
126
00:04:30,536 --> 00:04:32,938
- Ha!
You are suck penis.
127
00:04:32,940 --> 00:04:37,042
- I am suck penis?
Hmm.
128
00:04:37,044 --> 00:04:39,044
- You are suck big gay penis.
129
00:04:39,046 --> 00:04:42,581
- Shut up, god damn it.
I'm trying to concentrate.
130
00:04:42,583 --> 00:04:44,783
- Ah! Ha-ha!
You lose!
131
00:04:44,785 --> 00:04:47,719
Now I make sex in your face
with my penis balls.
132
00:04:47,721 --> 00:04:49,054
- Stop it.
133
00:04:49,056 --> 00:04:50,756
I mean it!
Cut it out!
134
00:04:50,758 --> 00:04:53,258
- Tea bag termination.
135
00:04:53,260 --> 00:04:55,761
- I'll get you for this,
you son of a bitch.
136
00:04:55,763 --> 00:04:56,995
- I in china.
137
00:04:56,997 --> 00:04:58,797
What you gonna do,
bag of douche?
138
00:04:58,799 --> 00:05:01,633
[laughs]
139
00:05:01,635 --> 00:05:03,302
- Woody!
140
00:05:03,304 --> 00:05:05,137
The cleaning lady
broke another picture.
141
00:05:05,139 --> 00:05:08,006
- So, I guess you didn't do
that, either, did you, inez?
142
00:05:08,008 --> 00:05:09,675
Just like you didn't
maul me in my sleep
143
00:05:09,677 --> 00:05:12,611
Or order all this
hardcore bear porn?
144
00:05:12,613 --> 00:05:15,614
- ♪ alouette,gentille aloutte ♪
145
00:05:15,616 --> 00:05:18,984
♪ aloutte,je te plumarai ♪
146
00:05:18,986 --> 00:05:21,987
- Well, hello there,
prettiest ranger ever.
147
00:05:21,989 --> 00:05:23,622
Which dress do you like best?
148
00:05:23,624 --> 00:05:25,457
- Oh, see, I thought
you stopped cross-dressing.
149
00:05:25,459 --> 00:05:26,658
- They're not for me,
150
00:05:26,660 --> 00:05:29,461
You stupid
but perceptive lady.
151
00:05:29,463 --> 00:05:30,996
They're for you.
152
00:05:30,998 --> 00:05:32,964
I'm gonna help you win
miss national park.
153
00:05:32,966 --> 00:05:34,199
I'm your new coach.
154
00:05:34,201 --> 00:05:36,001
- So now
you care about the pageant?
155
00:05:36,003 --> 00:05:38,003
- Hell yeah.
My life is on the line here.
156
00:05:38,005 --> 00:05:39,871
I mean, heh,
your trip to paris,
157
00:05:39,873 --> 00:05:41,773
Which I really
give a shit about.
158
00:05:41,775 --> 00:05:43,542
- Cut the crap.
What's going on?
159
00:05:43,544 --> 00:05:45,310
- All right, all right.
160
00:05:45,312 --> 00:05:48,180
The truth is I borrowed some
money from manslaughter mcgill,
161
00:05:48,182 --> 00:05:49,614
And if you don't win
that pageant,
162
00:05:49,616 --> 00:05:52,184
He's gonna stick
a glass rod up my--
163
00:05:52,186 --> 00:05:53,952
Well, he never told me.
164
00:05:53,954 --> 00:05:56,455
But there isn't any good place
to stick a glass rod!
165
00:05:57,890 --> 00:05:59,458
- I can't wait
for the girls to get here.
166
00:05:59,460 --> 00:06:01,026
I've never been
on a double date.
167
00:06:01,028 --> 00:06:03,028
- 20 bucks says
my girl's hotter than yours.
168
00:06:03,030 --> 00:06:04,730
- You are so on.
169
00:06:04,732 --> 00:06:06,064
- Hey, boys.
170
00:06:06,066 --> 00:06:07,799
- Hey, baby.
- Hey there.
171
00:06:07,801 --> 00:06:08,900
Both: Where's your girl?
172
00:06:08,902 --> 00:06:10,535
- Right here.
This is tj.
173
00:06:10,537 --> 00:06:12,003
- No this isn't.
This is tammy.
174
00:06:12,005 --> 00:06:13,004
- It's tammy jane.
175
00:06:13,006 --> 00:06:14,139
I go by either.
176
00:06:14,141 --> 00:06:16,241
Surprise.
- What?
177
00:06:16,243 --> 00:06:18,410
You know what this means, right?
- Yeah.
178
00:06:18,412 --> 00:06:20,545
She's a clone!
Kill her!
179
00:06:20,547 --> 00:06:22,748
- No!
She's going out with both of us.
180
00:06:22,750 --> 00:06:24,049
This ain't gonna fly.
181
00:06:24,051 --> 00:06:25,150
You gotta choose.
182
00:06:25,152 --> 00:06:26,752
Which one of us do you want?
183
00:06:26,754 --> 00:06:29,388
- Okay. I'm choosing denzel.
- Shut up, steve.
184
00:06:29,390 --> 00:06:31,423
- Well, I'd rather be with you
than a stupid clone.
185
00:06:31,425 --> 00:06:33,091
- I'm not a clone.
186
00:06:33,093 --> 00:06:34,526
And I don't want to choose.
187
00:06:34,528 --> 00:06:36,094
I like you both.
188
00:06:36,096 --> 00:06:37,763
What do you think about
a menage a trois?
189
00:06:37,765 --> 00:06:39,698
- Menage a trois?
190
00:06:39,700 --> 00:06:40,699
What does denzel's cousin
have to do with this?
191
00:06:40,701 --> 00:06:42,501
- Aw, don't be a dumbass, steve.
192
00:06:42,503 --> 00:06:44,002
That's some kind of
chicken dish, right?
193
00:06:44,004 --> 00:06:48,006
- Guys, what I'm proposing
is a threesome.
194
00:06:48,008 --> 00:06:50,909
Both: Oh!
195
00:06:50,911 --> 00:06:53,745
- What's that?
196
00:06:53,747 --> 00:06:55,914
- Ethel, I can't believe
you're going through with this.
197
00:06:55,916 --> 00:06:57,916
Pageants ruin people's lives.
198
00:06:57,918 --> 00:07:00,051
- Why are you so anti-pageant?
199
00:07:00,053 --> 00:07:01,720
What do you even know
about them?
200
00:07:01,722 --> 00:07:03,722
- More than you think.
When I was younger,
201
00:07:03,724 --> 00:07:06,258
I was a world champion
pageant queen.
202
00:07:06,260 --> 00:07:07,893
- Just remember, sweetie.
203
00:07:07,895 --> 00:07:10,762
You're beautiful and talented,
but if you lose,
204
00:07:10,764 --> 00:07:12,898
Jesus will kill grandma
and send her to hell.
205
00:07:12,900 --> 00:07:14,599
- Okay, mommy.
206
00:07:14,601 --> 00:07:17,436
- Oh, wait.
You forgot your energy snort.
207
00:07:19,739 --> 00:07:21,540
Time for the skinny bucket.
208
00:07:24,277 --> 00:07:26,878
- ♪ oh, yankee doodle
went to town ♪
209
00:07:26,880 --> 00:07:28,947
♪ riding on a pony... ♪
210
00:07:28,949 --> 00:07:30,615
But just as
I hit my high note,
211
00:07:30,617 --> 00:07:32,317
I also hit puberty.
212
00:07:32,319 --> 00:07:35,053
♪ he stuck a feather
in his hat ♪
213
00:07:35,055 --> 00:07:37,489
♪ and called it... ♪
214
00:07:37,491 --> 00:07:40,091
[adult voice]
♪ macaroni ♪
215
00:07:40,093 --> 00:07:42,928
[crowd screams]
- ah!
216
00:07:42,930 --> 00:07:44,763
- Did I win?
217
00:07:44,765 --> 00:07:46,331
I had to walk home that day.
218
00:07:46,333 --> 00:07:49,234
And when I got there,
my family had moved.
219
00:07:49,236 --> 00:07:51,236
I never felt loved again.
220
00:07:51,238 --> 00:07:52,904
I'm telling you, ethel,
221
00:07:52,906 --> 00:07:54,773
Pageants are evil.
222
00:07:54,775 --> 00:07:56,608
- Hmm.
Sounds like you're just jealous
223
00:07:56,610 --> 00:07:58,176
Because you can
never win one again.
224
00:07:58,178 --> 00:08:00,145
- I could still win
if I wanted to.
225
00:08:00,147 --> 00:08:01,513
- Win what,
a pie-eating contest?
226
00:08:01,515 --> 00:08:03,181
A dog show?
Most bacne?
227
00:08:03,183 --> 00:08:04,916
Biggest shadow?
World's sweatiest gunt?
228
00:08:04,918 --> 00:08:06,451
- I'll show you.
229
00:08:06,453 --> 00:08:08,353
I'm gonna enter
the miss national park pageant
230
00:08:08,355 --> 00:08:09,955
And beat your skinny little ass!
231
00:08:09,957 --> 00:08:11,256
- What's going on?
232
00:08:11,258 --> 00:08:12,924
Connie!
Don't speak to the talent.
233
00:08:12,926 --> 00:08:15,827
- Actually, connie has decided
to enter the pageant.
234
00:08:15,829 --> 00:08:17,262
- Good idea, connie.
235
00:08:17,264 --> 00:08:18,630
Ethel will look even prettier
236
00:08:18,632 --> 00:08:20,665
Standing next to
a red-headed refrigerator.
237
00:08:20,667 --> 00:08:22,968
- No, I can win.
238
00:08:22,970 --> 00:08:24,936
- Win what,
a pie-eating contest?
239
00:08:24,938 --> 00:08:26,671
[laughs]
240
00:08:26,673 --> 00:08:27,939
- I already did that one.
241
00:08:27,941 --> 00:08:30,041
- Oh.
How about sweatiest gunt?
242
00:08:30,043 --> 00:08:32,177
- Yep.
- Goddamn malloy.
243
00:08:32,179 --> 00:08:34,346
He's selling these insults
to everybody.
244
00:08:38,784 --> 00:08:40,986
- Forget it, man.
I ain't doing this threesome.
245
00:08:40,988 --> 00:08:42,187
There ain't no way I'm getting
in bed with another dude.
246
00:08:42,189 --> 00:08:43,889
- It's not just another dude.
247
00:08:43,891 --> 00:08:45,190
You'd be in bed with me.
248
00:08:45,192 --> 00:08:47,125
- Shh.
Steve, my dick can hear you.
249
00:08:47,127 --> 00:08:49,027
- Come on, man.
It'll be fun.
250
00:08:49,029 --> 00:08:51,363
Did your dick hear that?
- Steve, I'm telling you.
251
00:08:51,365 --> 00:08:53,532
Two-dude threesomes
are dangerous.
252
00:08:53,534 --> 00:08:55,867
- What are you talking about?
- I know this guy artie, right?
253
00:08:55,869 --> 00:08:57,135
He was doing
a two-dude threesome,
254
00:08:57,137 --> 00:08:59,204
And then out of nowhere...
Boom!
255
00:08:59,206 --> 00:09:00,839
Gets hit in the chest
with some runaway jizz.
256
00:09:00,841 --> 00:09:02,474
That's some shit
you ain't coming back from.
257
00:09:02,476 --> 00:09:04,009
- Man.
- Oh, you think that's bad?
258
00:09:04,011 --> 00:09:05,677
My boy reggie?
259
00:09:05,679 --> 00:09:07,145
He and his brother, tyreke,
did a threesome.
260
00:09:07,147 --> 00:09:08,380
Shit went wrong...
261
00:09:08,382 --> 00:09:10,415
Those two mother[bleep]
is married now.
262
00:09:10,417 --> 00:09:12,417
- See?
A happy ending.
263
00:09:12,419 --> 00:09:15,854
Come on, this is a
once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
264
00:09:15,856 --> 00:09:17,155
Please?
265
00:09:17,157 --> 00:09:18,223
- Oh, all right.
266
00:09:18,225 --> 00:09:19,724
But if we do this thing,
267
00:09:19,726 --> 00:09:20,825
We gonna do it right.
268
00:09:20,827 --> 00:09:22,360
Time to take you to school.
269
00:09:22,362 --> 00:09:24,229
- Oh, I'm not allowed
within 50 feet of those.
270
00:09:24,231 --> 00:09:28,833
My parole officer calls them
"temptation houses."
271
00:09:28,835 --> 00:09:30,936
- Step, two, three, four.
272
00:09:30,938 --> 00:09:33,104
Turn around
and show the back door.
273
00:09:33,106 --> 00:09:35,907
Now do it with your ass.
- Woody, what are you doing?
274
00:09:35,909 --> 00:09:37,909
I'm 90 pounds.
- That's right, oprah.
275
00:09:37,911 --> 00:09:39,544
We need to get you
into the 80s.
276
00:09:39,546 --> 00:09:44,049
Now shake that fat ass
and give me sparkle fingers!
277
00:09:44,051 --> 00:09:47,085
You better make those fingers
sparkle or I'll cut 'em off.
278
00:09:47,087 --> 00:09:48,386
- Jesus christ, woody.
279
00:09:48,388 --> 00:09:49,120
- You're right.
You're right.
280
00:09:49,122 --> 00:09:51,423
I'm sorry.
Here.
281
00:09:51,425 --> 00:09:53,058
I got you a little something
to help you win.
282
00:09:53,060 --> 00:09:55,427
- Oh, woody.
283
00:09:55,429 --> 00:09:57,195
Wait, what are these numbers?
284
00:09:57,197 --> 00:09:58,763
- It's the judges' hotel rooms.
285
00:09:58,765 --> 00:09:59,965
You're gonna get
sparkle-fingered
286
00:09:59,967 --> 00:10:01,299
By every single one of them.
287
00:10:04,570 --> 00:10:07,272
- Oh, where did you go,
little cute connie?
288
00:10:07,274 --> 00:10:09,040
I'll never win.
289
00:10:09,042 --> 00:10:10,942
- Of course you can win.
290
00:10:10,944 --> 00:10:12,210
- I know.
291
00:10:12,212 --> 00:10:13,778
A pie-eating contest.
292
00:10:13,780 --> 00:10:14,946
A whale-a-thon.
293
00:10:14,948 --> 00:10:16,881
A boner-killing contest.
294
00:10:16,883 --> 00:10:18,883
- No.
The pageant.
295
00:10:18,885 --> 00:10:20,652
And is it cool if I have
that boner contest line?
296
00:10:20,654 --> 00:10:22,120
- This is hopeless.
297
00:10:22,122 --> 00:10:23,955
- Nonsense.
I can help you win this thing,
298
00:10:23,957 --> 00:10:25,457
On one condition.
299
00:10:25,459 --> 00:10:27,292
I get
the first-prize plane ticket.
300
00:10:27,294 --> 00:10:30,061
My goal is to see china
and murder a child.
301
00:10:30,063 --> 00:10:32,297
- Uh, why don't you just kill
a chinese kid here?
302
00:10:32,299 --> 00:10:33,898
- Not any chinese kid.
303
00:10:33,900 --> 00:10:35,467
That peking dick
304
00:10:35,469 --> 00:10:37,802
Who put my tea bag humiliation
video on youtube.
305
00:10:37,804 --> 00:10:38,937
- You got a deal.
306
00:10:38,939 --> 00:10:40,271
I don't care about the prize.
307
00:10:40,273 --> 00:10:41,740
I just want to beat ethel.
308
00:10:41,742 --> 00:10:43,174
- We have got
a lot of work to do.
309
00:10:43,176 --> 00:10:44,809
There is no getting around
the fact that
310
00:10:44,811 --> 00:10:46,177
You're about as hot
as a young john goodman.
311
00:10:46,179 --> 00:10:47,646
- Thank you.
312
00:10:47,648 --> 00:10:49,314
- But you can take
the whole thing
313
00:10:49,316 --> 00:10:51,950
If you nail the q&a
and talent competitions.
314
00:10:51,952 --> 00:10:53,318
- Those two are my specialties.
315
00:10:53,320 --> 00:10:54,986
I'll be a pageant queen again.
316
00:10:54,988 --> 00:10:57,989
Yay!
Time to celebrate!
317
00:10:57,991 --> 00:10:59,591
[farts]
318
00:10:59,593 --> 00:11:02,394
It's beginning to smell
a lot like christmas.
319
00:11:12,104 --> 00:11:13,505
- Whoa!
320
00:11:21,013 --> 00:11:22,380
Hey! Ah!
321
00:11:24,383 --> 00:11:26,818
- Ladies, I've produced
this pageant for 22 years.
322
00:11:26,820 --> 00:11:28,453
Remember, you're all just
sides of beef.
323
00:11:28,455 --> 00:11:30,455
Smiles, everyone.
Smiles.
324
00:11:30,457 --> 00:11:31,890
- You don't have a chance.
325
00:11:31,892 --> 00:11:34,325
You're...Going...Down.
326
00:11:34,327 --> 00:11:37,328
- Yeah, on miss grand tetons
after I win.
327
00:11:37,330 --> 00:11:38,897
- That's it, connie.
Don't let her get in your head.
328
00:11:38,899 --> 00:11:40,665
You're a star.
329
00:11:40,667 --> 00:11:42,333
- Yeah, 'cause people go blind
when they stare at her.
330
00:11:42,335 --> 00:11:44,069
Heh.
That sucks.
331
00:11:44,071 --> 00:11:47,072
Malloy, save these crappy jokes
for aziz ansari.
332
00:11:47,074 --> 00:11:49,474
- And tonight's pageant
will be judged by...
333
00:11:49,476 --> 00:11:52,077
Former nba star
and father of 37...
334
00:11:52,079 --> 00:11:53,478
Shawn kemp!
335
00:11:53,480 --> 00:11:55,714
Titty bar owner jorge!
336
00:11:55,716 --> 00:11:58,983
And washed-up actress
susan sarandon.
337
00:11:58,985 --> 00:12:01,753
And now,
let's meet our contestants!
338
00:12:01,755 --> 00:12:03,855
[upbeat music plays]
339
00:12:03,857 --> 00:12:06,157
- Oh, yeah!
340
00:12:06,159 --> 00:12:07,492
- Unh!
341
00:12:07,494 --> 00:12:09,828
- Oh, you pregnant now.
342
00:12:09,830 --> 00:12:11,429
- Now, this "x" is me...
343
00:12:11,431 --> 00:12:12,497
This "x" is you...
344
00:12:12,499 --> 00:12:14,099
And tammy's the "o."
345
00:12:14,101 --> 00:12:15,266
Rule number one...
346
00:12:15,268 --> 00:12:17,268
The "x"s can never touch.
347
00:12:17,270 --> 00:12:18,570
- Question.
348
00:12:18,572 --> 00:12:19,437
How does her vagina
get big enough
349
00:12:19,439 --> 00:12:20,905
To fit both of our wieners?
350
00:12:20,907 --> 00:12:22,574
- Steve, you dumbass!
351
00:12:22,576 --> 00:12:24,375
We don't go in the same hole
at the same time.
352
00:12:24,377 --> 00:12:25,677
Stick to the game plan.
353
00:12:25,679 --> 00:12:27,412
No audibles.
No changing the play.
354
00:12:27,414 --> 00:12:29,080
- When can I talk dirty?
355
00:12:29,082 --> 00:12:30,915
Girls love this one:
356
00:12:30,917 --> 00:12:34,119
Your vagina looks extra moist.
357
00:12:34,121 --> 00:12:35,386
- Steve!
358
00:12:35,388 --> 00:12:36,921
[upbeat music plays]
359
00:12:36,923 --> 00:12:39,758
- Next up,
we have ethel anderson.
360
00:12:39,760 --> 00:12:42,627
Ethel is 5'6"
and weighs 95 pounds.
361
00:12:42,629 --> 00:12:43,895
She loves eating and vomiting,
362
00:12:43,897 --> 00:12:45,096
And her hobbies include
363
00:12:45,098 --> 00:12:46,965
Drunken hook-ups,
walks of shame,
364
00:12:46,967 --> 00:12:49,267
And late-term abortions.
365
00:12:49,269 --> 00:12:51,269
- Sorry, I just wrote down
everything I knew about you.
366
00:12:51,271 --> 00:12:53,071
- And finally...
367
00:12:53,073 --> 00:12:54,639
Connie cunaman.
368
00:12:54,641 --> 00:12:57,075
Connie is 12 hands high
with good gums
369
00:12:57,077 --> 00:12:59,611
And apparently
has broken our scale.
370
00:12:59,613 --> 00:13:01,446
- Connie!
Where's your bikini bottom?
371
00:13:01,448 --> 00:13:02,480
- It's right here.
372
00:13:02,482 --> 00:13:04,115
My camel toe's eating it.
373
00:13:04,117 --> 00:13:05,383
See?
374
00:13:05,385 --> 00:13:08,052
[crowd gasps]
375
00:13:08,054 --> 00:13:09,921
- I got this love doll
to help us practice.
376
00:13:09,923 --> 00:13:11,489
Now show me your moves.
377
00:13:11,491 --> 00:13:13,324
[farting noises]
378
00:13:13,326 --> 00:13:16,094
What is that noise?
Is your ass queefing?
379
00:13:16,096 --> 00:13:17,462
- My butthole makes sounds
when it's relaxed.
380
00:13:17,464 --> 00:13:19,164
- Clench that bitch!
381
00:13:19,166 --> 00:13:20,832
Now what we about to do
is a dangerous dance.
382
00:13:20,834 --> 00:13:22,500
When I go left, you go right.
383
00:13:22,502 --> 00:13:24,135
When I go up, you go down.
384
00:13:24,137 --> 00:13:25,837
When I'm in the mouth,
you go south.
385
00:13:25,839 --> 00:13:27,972
When I go pink, you go stink.
386
00:13:27,974 --> 00:13:30,408
Ready?
One, two...
387
00:13:30,410 --> 00:13:33,144
- Ah!
I won!
388
00:13:33,146 --> 00:13:34,345
- Steve, don't tell me
you nutted.
389
00:13:34,347 --> 00:13:36,481
- [snoring]
390
00:13:38,517 --> 00:13:40,285
- Our first question for ethel
391
00:13:40,287 --> 00:13:44,489
Will come from ex-nba star
and father of 37, shawn kemp.
392
00:13:44,491 --> 00:13:46,157
- I like them titties.
393
00:13:46,159 --> 00:13:48,426
- That's not actually
a question.
394
00:13:48,428 --> 00:13:49,961
- I like them...
395
00:13:49,963 --> 00:13:51,196
Titties?
396
00:13:51,198 --> 00:13:52,363
- Still not a question.
397
00:13:52,365 --> 00:13:53,598
You just went up at the end.
398
00:13:53,600 --> 00:13:55,633
- I'll ask the question.
399
00:13:55,635 --> 00:13:58,469
Ethel, what do you think is
the most pressing issue
400
00:13:58,471 --> 00:14:00,271
Facing young women today?
401
00:14:00,273 --> 00:14:01,873
- I'd like to quote
sheryl sandberg--
402
00:14:01,875 --> 00:14:04,776
- Thank you.
Connie, same question.
403
00:14:04,778 --> 00:14:07,478
- God bless the troops
and puppies!
404
00:14:07,480 --> 00:14:11,549
[crowd cheers]
405
00:14:12,985 --> 00:14:14,652
- Ethel,
get your shit together
406
00:14:14,654 --> 00:14:16,988
Or that pussy-whipped gangster's
gonna kill me.
407
00:14:16,990 --> 00:14:18,189
- Snow angel!
408
00:14:18,191 --> 00:14:20,191
Crab walk!
409
00:14:20,193 --> 00:14:21,326
Spin cycle!
410
00:14:21,328 --> 00:14:23,027
Go for the "o"!
411
00:14:23,029 --> 00:14:24,562
Eiffel tower!
412
00:14:24,564 --> 00:14:26,030
- I think I'm ready.
413
00:14:26,032 --> 00:14:28,333
I didn't mess up once.
- You are ready.
414
00:14:28,335 --> 00:14:30,134
And if you can
keep your focus here,
415
00:14:30,136 --> 00:14:32,537
You can do it anywhere.
416
00:14:32,539 --> 00:14:34,372
- ♪ I don't know where ♪
417
00:14:34,374 --> 00:14:36,374
♪ I don't know when ♪
418
00:14:36,376 --> 00:14:40,178
♪ but I know
something's about to begin ♪
419
00:14:40,180 --> 00:14:41,646
♪ look and you'll know ♪
420
00:14:41,648 --> 00:14:44,015
♪ some day I'll go ♪
421
00:14:44,017 --> 00:14:47,018
♪ inside your world ♪
422
00:14:47,020 --> 00:14:51,389
[crowd applauds]
423
00:14:51,391 --> 00:14:53,591
Beat that, bitch.
424
00:14:53,593 --> 00:14:55,426
- Next up, ethel anderson.
425
00:15:01,000 --> 00:15:04,535
[crowd cheers]
426
00:15:04,537 --> 00:15:06,204
- Yes!
Now it's in the bag.
427
00:15:06,206 --> 00:15:08,106
Heh.
Where connie's face belongs.
428
00:15:08,108 --> 00:15:09,607
Eh?
429
00:15:09,609 --> 00:15:11,109
Malloy, I'm writing
all my own shit now.
430
00:15:11,111 --> 00:15:13,444
- Wrong again, woodrow.
I'm making some changes.
431
00:15:13,446 --> 00:15:15,079
This beauty pageant's
about to get ugly.
432
00:15:15,081 --> 00:15:17,582
- Oh, yeah?
Who died and made you producer?
433
00:15:17,584 --> 00:15:20,251
- The producer.
434
00:15:20,253 --> 00:15:21,586
Cleaning lady did it.
435
00:15:21,588 --> 00:15:23,054
- Yeah, I guess
she's still pissed at me
436
00:15:23,056 --> 00:15:24,455
'cause I made her
clean the toilet...
437
00:15:24,457 --> 00:15:26,024
While I was still on it.
438
00:15:30,429 --> 00:15:31,696
- Hi, guys.
439
00:15:31,698 --> 00:15:35,433
- [giggles]
440
00:15:35,435 --> 00:15:38,069
- Oh, don't mind him.
When he gets nervous he giggles.
441
00:15:38,071 --> 00:15:39,270
- Don't be nervous.
442
00:15:39,272 --> 00:15:41,406
We just need to loosen up.
443
00:15:41,408 --> 00:15:44,208
I know I could use a cock...
444
00:15:44,210 --> 00:15:45,576
Tail.
445
00:15:45,578 --> 00:15:46,577
[laughs]
446
00:15:46,579 --> 00:15:48,646
To a fun night.
447
00:15:52,284 --> 00:15:54,452
- What happened?
Where are we?
448
00:15:54,454 --> 00:15:57,322
- Holy shit!
This bitch crazy!
449
00:15:57,324 --> 00:15:58,323
Tammy?
450
00:15:58,325 --> 00:16:00,158
- Tammy's gone.
451
00:16:00,160 --> 00:16:01,559
I am lady ballcrusher,
452
00:16:01,561 --> 00:16:03,294
Mistress of pain!
453
00:16:03,296 --> 00:16:05,763
You two are now my slaves!
454
00:16:05,765 --> 00:16:07,231
- W-why are you doing this?
455
00:16:07,233 --> 00:16:10,168
- It turns me on
to dominate stupid men.
456
00:16:10,170 --> 00:16:12,570
- I'm not a stupid men.
- Shut up!
457
00:16:12,572 --> 00:16:13,905
Now get on your hands
and knees
458
00:16:13,907 --> 00:16:16,574
And act like the dogs
you are!
459
00:16:16,576 --> 00:16:19,477
- [sniffing]
mm. Mm.
460
00:16:19,479 --> 00:16:21,279
- Steve, just 'cause
she told us to be dogs
461
00:16:21,281 --> 00:16:22,814
Don't mean you have to
sniff my ass.
462
00:16:22,816 --> 00:16:24,182
- She told us what now?
463
00:16:24,184 --> 00:16:25,183
[metal music plays]
464
00:16:25,185 --> 00:16:27,285
- Welcome, welcome, welcome,
465
00:16:27,287 --> 00:16:30,188
To the final event of the miss
national park beauty pageant!
466
00:16:30,190 --> 00:16:33,324
♪ ♪
467
00:16:33,326 --> 00:16:34,759
- Cue the cage.
468
00:16:34,761 --> 00:16:37,195
- A steel cage death match!
469
00:16:37,197 --> 00:16:39,764
Last contestant standing
will be...
470
00:16:39,766 --> 00:16:41,499
Miss national park!
471
00:16:41,501 --> 00:16:43,935
- What the hell, malloy?
- Wait a minute.
472
00:16:43,937 --> 00:16:46,704
Your girl against
that orange bigfoot?
473
00:16:46,706 --> 00:16:49,207
Well, I might as well
take the glass rod
474
00:16:49,209 --> 00:16:51,776
And shove it up your
fingle-fangle right now!
475
00:16:51,778 --> 00:16:53,444
- My what?
[phone vibrates]
476
00:16:53,446 --> 00:16:55,513
- Oh, shit.
Missed a call from the wife.
477
00:16:55,515 --> 00:16:56,547
She's gonna be pissed.
478
00:16:56,549 --> 00:16:58,316
I gotta run.
- Wait!
479
00:16:58,318 --> 00:16:59,717
What's a fingle-fangle?
480
00:16:59,719 --> 00:17:01,786
- Cue the weapons.
481
00:17:03,789 --> 00:17:07,291
Let the hunger games begin!
482
00:17:07,293 --> 00:17:15,500
♪ ♪
483
00:17:15,502 --> 00:17:18,970
Now this
is what I call a pageant.
484
00:17:18,972 --> 00:17:21,339
- Woof! Woof! Arf! Arf!
- [sniffs] mm. Mm. Mmm.
485
00:17:21,341 --> 00:17:22,573
- How much longer
do we have to do this?
486
00:17:22,575 --> 00:17:24,675
- Shut up, fido!
487
00:17:24,677 --> 00:17:26,244
- Uh, I thought I was fido.
488
00:17:26,246 --> 00:17:28,246
Ah!
- Time for your kibble.
489
00:17:28,248 --> 00:17:29,714
Be right back.
490
00:17:29,716 --> 00:17:30,915
- Man, I've had enough
of this shit.
491
00:17:30,917 --> 00:17:32,650
- Eyes on the prize, denzel.
492
00:17:32,652 --> 00:17:34,719
It shouldn't be long
till we have our threesome.
493
00:17:34,721 --> 00:17:37,355
And she is so hot.
494
00:17:37,357 --> 00:17:38,890
- Who the [bleep] are you?
495
00:17:38,892 --> 00:17:40,658
- I'm fido.
He's sparky.
496
00:17:40,660 --> 00:17:42,393
- Are you two screwing my wife?
497
00:17:42,395 --> 00:17:43,828
- That's why we're here.
498
00:17:43,830 --> 00:17:45,663
- Steve!
- Oh, sorry.
499
00:17:45,665 --> 00:17:46,831
[imitates scooby-doo]
rat's rhy re're rere!
500
00:17:46,833 --> 00:17:49,734
- I'll kill you bastards!
501
00:17:49,736 --> 00:17:52,603
- Ruh-roh.
- Oh, you're not killing anyone.
502
00:17:52,605 --> 00:17:54,005
- What's going on, tammy?
503
00:17:54,007 --> 00:17:56,207
Are you cheating on me?
- Shut up!
504
00:17:56,209 --> 00:17:57,909
These guys are here
for a threesome.
505
00:17:57,911 --> 00:17:59,377
And they're gonna have it!
506
00:17:59,379 --> 00:18:01,045
- Yes!
507
00:18:01,047 --> 00:18:03,114
- With you.
- W-w-w-what?
508
00:18:03,116 --> 00:18:05,416
- With me?
- Yes.
509
00:18:05,418 --> 00:18:08,419
Now stop delaying
and start three-waying.
510
00:18:08,421 --> 00:18:10,755
- Okay, sweetie.
Anything for you.
511
00:18:10,757 --> 00:18:11,556
- No!
Don't listen to her!
512
00:18:11,558 --> 00:18:13,524
- Sorry, guys.
513
00:18:13,526 --> 00:18:15,426
In a marriage, you've got to
choose your battles.
514
00:18:15,428 --> 00:18:18,863
- Then choose this one!
- Ooh!
515
00:18:18,865 --> 00:18:20,765
- I got your text, tammy.
Everything okay?
516
00:18:20,767 --> 00:18:23,701
- Shut up and get in there!
- Okay.
517
00:18:23,703 --> 00:18:26,270
You know, this isn't even the
weirdest thing I've done today.
518
00:18:28,273 --> 00:18:32,477
- This is my octagon, bitch.
519
00:18:32,479 --> 00:18:35,146
- Oh, shit.
520
00:18:35,148 --> 00:18:37,582
- So who can't win
a pageant anymore?
521
00:18:37,584 --> 00:18:38,749
- Connie!
522
00:18:38,751 --> 00:18:39,784
- Mommy?
523
00:18:39,786 --> 00:18:41,285
What are you doing here?
524
00:18:41,287 --> 00:18:42,954
- I thought
seeing you in a pageant
525
00:18:42,956 --> 00:18:44,589
Might make me love you again.
526
00:18:44,591 --> 00:18:45,890
- And?
527
00:18:45,892 --> 00:18:49,594
- Still not feeling it.
528
00:18:49,596 --> 00:18:50,628
- Go ahead.
529
00:18:50,630 --> 00:18:51,929
Pull the trigger.
530
00:18:51,931 --> 00:18:53,664
You'd be doing me a favor.
531
00:18:53,666 --> 00:18:56,601
Nobody loves me
and nobody ever will.
532
00:18:56,603 --> 00:18:58,302
- No.
533
00:19:00,939 --> 00:19:02,306
You were right, connie.
534
00:19:02,308 --> 00:19:04,642
Beauty pageants do
destroy people's lives.
535
00:19:04,644 --> 00:19:07,311
And all because we place winning
above everything.
536
00:19:07,313 --> 00:19:09,780
Well, I say that ends now.
537
00:19:09,782 --> 00:19:12,517
Tonight, we are co-champions!
538
00:19:12,519 --> 00:19:14,352
- Aw, that's sweet, ethel.
539
00:19:14,354 --> 00:19:15,786
But guess what.
540
00:19:15,788 --> 00:19:17,922
There's no such thing
as co-champions!
541
00:19:17,924 --> 00:19:19,457
- Ah!
542
00:19:19,459 --> 00:19:22,760
- I'm miss national park!
543
00:19:22,762 --> 00:19:24,862
- And I'm screwed.
544
00:19:24,864 --> 00:19:26,330
- And I'm going to china.
545
00:19:26,332 --> 00:19:28,032
Don't have your funeral
till I get back.
546
00:19:28,034 --> 00:19:29,600
I want to miss it intentionally.
547
00:19:29,602 --> 00:19:32,603
- ♪ there she is ♪
548
00:19:32,605 --> 00:19:35,640
♪ miss national park ♪
549
00:19:35,642 --> 00:19:37,241
- [giggles]
550
00:19:47,653 --> 00:19:49,353
- Hello, chang.
551
00:19:49,355 --> 00:19:51,055
- Malloy.
How you get here?
552
00:19:51,057 --> 00:19:53,357
- I took a "prane."
but that doesn't matter.
553
00:19:53,359 --> 00:19:55,826
I am here to destroy you
in person.
554
00:19:55,828 --> 00:19:57,295
[motor whirs]
555
00:19:57,297 --> 00:19:58,863
Oh, my god.
556
00:19:58,865 --> 00:20:01,232
I had no idea...
557
00:20:01,234 --> 00:20:02,800
It was gonna be this easy.
558
00:20:02,802 --> 00:20:04,468
- [screams]
559
00:20:04,470 --> 00:20:06,037
[thud]
560
00:20:07,339 --> 00:20:08,973
- You sure about this?
561
00:20:08,975 --> 00:20:10,575
I didn't think
that threesome went that bad.
562
00:20:10,577 --> 00:20:11,909
- Oh, shut the hell up, steve.
563
00:20:11,911 --> 00:20:13,311
Young pussy's too much trouble.
564
00:20:13,313 --> 00:20:15,346
Knock me back into
liking old bitches.
565
00:20:15,348 --> 00:20:17,882
- Okay, buddy.
If that's what you want.
566
00:20:17,884 --> 00:20:19,517
- Ow!
567
00:20:19,519 --> 00:20:21,686
[knock at door]
568
00:20:21,688 --> 00:20:22,853
- Excuse me, sonny.
569
00:20:22,855 --> 00:20:25,022
We need some help.
570
00:20:25,024 --> 00:20:27,391
- Well, hello there, sexy.
571
00:20:27,393 --> 00:20:28,859
- Hello, yourself.
572
00:20:28,861 --> 00:20:30,528
- I wasn't talking to you.
573
00:20:30,530 --> 00:20:32,763
I was talking to that
hot piece of ass right there.
574
00:20:32,765 --> 00:20:34,699
- Oops.
I think I hit him too hard.
575
00:20:34,701 --> 00:20:37,768
- What kind of park is this?
576
00:20:37,770 --> 00:20:40,271
- Ah!
Ah!
577
00:20:40,273 --> 00:20:42,607
Oh, shit!
- [sighs]
578
00:20:42,609 --> 00:20:44,942
- What's wrong, mcgill?
You just don't seem into it.
579
00:20:44,944 --> 00:20:47,044
- Just a little trouble
with the wife.
580
00:20:47,046 --> 00:20:48,846
- Well, I'm not
a licensed therapist,
581
00:20:48,848 --> 00:20:50,081
But there's something
that's worked
582
00:20:50,083 --> 00:20:51,649
With my wives in the past.
583
00:20:53,585 --> 00:20:55,786
Even?
- Even.
584
00:20:55,788 --> 00:20:57,288
- Aah!
37717
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