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1
00:00:01,532 --> 00:00:05,532
Congratulations, Billy.
You win most handicapped.
2
00:00:05,567 --> 00:00:06,532
[Cheers and applause]
3
00:00:06,567 --> 00:00:11,350
- This is bullshit.
- And now the award for coolest,
4
00:00:11,355 --> 00:00:16,532
most popular kid in school
goes to Woody Johnson.
5
00:00:16,567 --> 00:00:19,532
Did you forget something, son?
6
00:00:19,567 --> 00:00:21,532
[Laughter]
7
00:00:21,567 --> 00:00:26,532
The only award you'll win
is weirdest looking balls.
8
00:00:26,567 --> 00:00:27,532
Damn!
9
00:00:27,567 --> 00:00:29,532
His balls look
like they mad at each other.
10
00:00:29,567 --> 00:00:32,532
More bad news, Mr. Johnson.
11
00:00:32,567 --> 00:00:36,952
- I called your mother.
- No!
12
00:00:38,567 --> 00:00:41,532
Woody, you've been a bad boy.
13
00:00:41,567 --> 00:00:43,532
[Roaring]
14
00:00:43,567 --> 00:00:45,532
Ah, ah, ah!
15
00:00:45,567 --> 00:00:46,532
- Woody!
- No, mommy! Don't hurt me!
16
00:00:46,567 --> 00:00:49,200
- Ouch!
- Don't hurt me, mommy!
17
00:00:49,532 --> 00:00:52,532
- Another nightmare?
- Yeah. Sorry, little buddy.
18
00:00:52,567 --> 00:00:53,532
Oh, that's nice.
19
00:00:53,567 --> 00:00:55,532
No, I'm sure "sorry"
stops brain swelling.
20
00:00:55,567 --> 00:00:58,430
Well, at least
I didn't break my award.
21
00:01:00,531 --> 00:01:03,531
sync & correction by f1nc0
~ Addic7ed.com ~
22
00:01:03,532 --> 00:01:04,532
[Screams]
23
00:01:04,567 --> 00:01:08,532
♪ Brickleberry ♪
24
00:01:08,733 --> 00:01:11,276
3x01 - "Obamascare"
25
00:01:11,332 --> 00:01:13,332
Good morning, rangers.
I got great news.
26
00:01:13,367 --> 00:01:15,332
Jeez, Woody, you look terrible.
27
00:01:15,367 --> 00:01:19,332
- Did you sleep last night?
- I slept perfectly normal.
28
00:01:19,367 --> 00:01:22,332
Yep, 20 minutes of sleep,
7 hours of intense screaming.
29
00:01:22,367 --> 00:01:25,332
Sounds like Ethel
breaking in her vibrator.
30
00:01:25,367 --> 00:01:27,332
Wait, I'm Ethel.
Sorry, I'm drunk.
31
00:01:27,367 --> 00:01:29,332
Oh, enough about my night terrors.
32
00:01:29,367 --> 00:01:31,332
So, that's why
you're always so irritable.
33
00:01:31,367 --> 00:01:34,332
- I am not irritable!
- Tell that to your bowels. [Chuckles]
34
00:01:34,367 --> 00:01:36,332
You get it?
[Blows raspberry]
35
00:01:36,367 --> 00:01:39,332
Oh, ha ha. I guess crohn's
disease is funny now.
36
00:01:39,367 --> 00:01:41,332
Oh, damn it, I just shit myself.
37
00:01:41,367 --> 00:01:42,989
Anyway, I got great news.
38
00:01:43,332 --> 00:01:44,332
You bought us all
Betty White fleshlights?
39
00:01:44,367 --> 00:01:45,332
No.
40
00:01:45,367 --> 00:01:47,332
You bought me
a Betty White fleshlight?
41
00:01:47,367 --> 00:01:49,087
No. Someone's coming.
42
00:01:49,332 --> 00:01:51,332
I will be, if I get
my Betty White fleshlight.
43
00:01:51,367 --> 00:01:53,332
Shut up! President Obama
is coming to Brickleberry.
44
00:01:53,367 --> 00:01:55,332
Oh, no.
He found me.
45
00:01:55,367 --> 00:02:01,332
- What are you talking about?
- Obama is really into me, sexually.
46
00:02:01,367 --> 00:02:04,332
- Can I shoot her?
- Connie, stop being psycho.
47
00:02:04,367 --> 00:02:06,332
Yeah, you expect us to believe
that a black guy
48
00:02:06,367 --> 00:02:10,332
- could be into a fat, white woman?
- Can I shoot him?
49
00:02:10,367 --> 00:02:12,332
- Do us a favor.
- Everyone, shut up.
50
00:02:12,367 --> 00:02:14,332
The president is coming
to honor me
51
00:02:14,367 --> 00:02:17,332
for 30 years' perfect attendance
as a park ranger.
52
00:02:17,367 --> 00:02:19,332
Hold on,
I'm trying to give a [Bleep].
53
00:02:20,332 --> 00:02:21,332
No, not happening.
54
00:02:21,367 --> 00:02:24,332
We gotta make sure that nothing
happens to ruin my big day.
55
00:02:24,367 --> 00:02:27,045
Denzel, you're in charge
of security and...
56
00:02:27,080 --> 00:02:29,332
Wait a minute, Woody,
you don't even like Obama.
57
00:02:29,367 --> 00:02:32,332
What? I love Obama.
Now, you and Connie are in charge
58
00:02:32,367 --> 00:02:34,332
of disposing of
all my anti-Obama paraphernalia.
59
00:02:34,367 --> 00:02:36,332
What's my assignment, Woody?
60
00:02:36,367 --> 00:02:39,332
Steve, you have
the most important job of all.
61
00:02:39,367 --> 00:02:42,332
I need you to travel
to king's landing
62
00:02:42,367 --> 00:02:45,332
and bring me the head
of tyrion lannister.
63
00:02:45,367 --> 00:02:48,332
King's landing... is that
near the cheesecake factory?
64
00:02:48,367 --> 00:02:51,332
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever.
- But I'll miss your big ceremony, Woody.
65
00:02:51,367 --> 00:02:53,898
Yeah, that's the point,
dumbass. There's no way I'm
66
00:02:53,899 --> 00:02:56,332
letting you embarrass me
in front of the president.
67
00:02:56,367 --> 00:02:58,834
When have I ever been
an embarrassment?
68
00:02:59,332 --> 00:03:01,332
How about the time you
got drunk at Christmas mass?
69
00:03:01,367 --> 00:03:06,332
- So you're a virgin, huh?
- What?!
70
00:03:06,367 --> 00:03:10,332
I was talking to the donkey.
71
00:03:11,332 --> 00:03:13,332
I can't believe Woody,
of all people,
72
00:03:13,367 --> 00:03:15,332
is getting
to meet the president.
73
00:03:15,367 --> 00:03:18,332
Trust me,
it's not that big of a deal.
74
00:03:18,367 --> 00:03:19,332
[Donkey groans]
75
00:03:19,367 --> 00:03:21,332
Connie, do you really
expect me to believe
76
00:03:21,367 --> 00:03:23,332
- that you know the president?
- I do.
77
00:03:23,367 --> 00:03:26,332
I worked on his campaign
as the media consultant.
78
00:03:26,367 --> 00:03:28,332
He wanted me so bad
that he tried to fire me,
79
00:03:28,367 --> 00:03:31,332
but he couldn't because he
was so hot for my body.
80
00:03:31,367 --> 00:03:32,332
Wait a minute.
81
00:03:32,367 --> 00:03:36,332
You're describing
the TV show scandal.
82
00:03:36,367 --> 00:03:39,332
I know.
They based that show on my life.
83
00:03:39,367 --> 00:03:42,332
Connie, you've lost touch
with reality again.
84
00:03:42,367 --> 00:03:44,332
Remember that time
you told everyone Oprah
85
00:03:44,367 --> 00:03:46,332
- was gonna leave Stedman for you?
- She was!
86
00:03:46,367 --> 00:03:50,332
She said she wanted to make
my clitoris the color purple.
87
00:03:50,367 --> 00:03:52,332
What do you think, Malloy?
88
00:03:52,367 --> 00:03:53,332
I got these
to impress the president.
89
00:03:53,367 --> 00:03:56,332
- Do they make me look smarter?
- Smarter than what?
90
00:03:56,367 --> 00:03:58,332
This table? No.
91
00:03:58,367 --> 00:04:00,489
Denzel,
what the hell are you doing?
92
00:04:00,524 --> 00:04:02,332
Security measure. I've got
to take this TV to my place
93
00:04:02,367 --> 00:04:05,332
to check it out for, uh...
North Korean dirty bombs.
94
00:04:05,367 --> 00:04:08,332
Uh-oh, check the even bigger
one in my bedroom.
95
00:04:08,367 --> 00:04:10,332
Code red!
Code red!
96
00:04:10,367 --> 00:04:12,332
- It's a Zenith.
- Oh, [Bleep] that shit.
97
00:04:12,367 --> 00:04:17,332
- Hey, Woody, I got it.
- What the [Bleep], Steve?
98
00:04:17,367 --> 00:04:18,933
You cut off Peter Dinklage's head?
99
00:04:19,332 --> 00:04:20,332
Yeah, just like you asked.
100
00:04:20,367 --> 00:04:22,332
He kept screaming,
"I'm just a bad actor!
101
00:04:22,367 --> 00:04:25,332
"It's a role I play
on a television show!
102
00:04:25,367 --> 00:04:27,332
Ugh, why are you
doing this to me?"
103
00:04:27,367 --> 00:04:30,332
[Laughs]
But I just kept sawing.
104
00:04:30,367 --> 00:04:33,332
Oh, fine,
mount it with the rest of them.
105
00:04:33,367 --> 00:04:37,777
- So can I go to your ceremony now?
- No! I have another job for you.
106
00:04:37,792 --> 00:04:41,332
I need you to dig an escape
tunnel for the president
107
00:04:41,367 --> 00:04:44,332
- with this plastic spoon.
- Where to?
108
00:04:44,367 --> 00:04:46,332
Back to Kenya where he came from!
109
00:04:46,367 --> 00:04:50,332
- I mean, I love Obama.
- Hey, cool glasses.
110
00:04:50,367 --> 00:04:53,332
[Nasal voice] Hi, I'm
Professor Steve Williams.
111
00:04:53,367 --> 00:04:55,332
- Give me those.
- Hey!
112
00:04:55,367 --> 00:04:57,332
[Both grunting]
113
00:04:57,367 --> 00:05:02,007
- My fake smart guy glasses! Steve!
- Off to dig the tunnel.
114
00:05:02,332 --> 00:05:04,369
I swear to God,
if I have to spend another
115
00:05:04,370 --> 00:05:07,332
second with that dipshit,
I'll shoot him.
116
00:05:09,332 --> 00:05:12,332
So you think I should spend
more time with Woody?
117
00:05:12,367 --> 00:05:13,863
- Absolutely.
- And once he gets
118
00:05:13,864 --> 00:05:16,000
to know me better and
we become best friends,
119
00:05:16,132 --> 00:05:17,811
he'll invite me
to his big ceremony?
120
00:05:17,915 --> 00:05:21,332
Of course he will, and make
sure to use lots of rap lingo.
121
00:05:21,367 --> 00:05:24,177
- Ah, he loves that.
- Thanks, Malloy.
122
00:05:24,179 --> 00:05:26,332
Now, excuse me while I finish
this tunnel to Kenya.
123
00:05:26,367 --> 00:05:29,849
- I'm al...
- Can you tell us how to get
124
00:05:29,850 --> 00:05:31,332
to the cheesecake factory?
125
00:05:32,032 --> 00:05:34,332
Bodean, I can't believe
Obama's coming here.
126
00:05:34,367 --> 00:05:39,332
- Are you as pissed off as I am?
- No, I voted for Obama.
127
00:05:39,367 --> 00:05:43,332
- What did you say?
- I said I voted for...
128
00:05:43,367 --> 00:05:44,332
You been brainwashed!
129
00:05:44,367 --> 00:05:46,332
What's that shit
you been watching again?
130
00:05:46,367 --> 00:05:48,332
- Downton Abbey.
- Brainwashed!
131
00:05:48,367 --> 00:05:49,332
Bodean, listen to me.
132
00:05:49,367 --> 00:05:52,125
These liberals are screwing up
our country.
133
00:05:52,332 --> 00:05:55,332
They're gonna ban smoking
and junk food, take our guns,
134
00:05:55,367 --> 00:05:57,332
and probably make us
gay marry each other.
135
00:05:57,367 --> 00:06:00,332
- I kind of like Obamacare.
- That's the worst part!
136
00:06:00,367 --> 00:06:03,332
Even I could come up
with a better health care plan.
137
00:06:03,367 --> 00:06:05,332
- Why don't you do it then?
- Maybe I will.
138
00:06:06,132 --> 00:06:07,132
Why the hell
did you vote for Obama anyway?
139
00:06:07,167 --> 00:06:10,132
Because income inequality is
a very significant social issue,
140
00:06:10,167 --> 00:06:12,947
and it's reinforced by a series
of regressive tax reforms
141
00:06:13,010 --> 00:06:14,467
foisted upon us by right-wingers.
142
00:06:21,132 --> 00:06:24,132
- I'm awake, Bodean.
- I know.
143
00:06:25,132 --> 00:06:26,967
Thank you, Mr. president.
144
00:06:27,132 --> 00:06:28,821
No.
Thank you, Mr. president.
145
00:06:29,096 --> 00:06:31,132
No.
Thank you, Mr. president!
146
00:06:31,167 --> 00:06:33,132
No, you're gonna screw it up,
Johnson.
147
00:06:33,287 --> 00:06:35,252
Hey, player,
I thought wiggity-we
148
00:06:35,287 --> 00:06:37,715
should spend
a little tiggity-time togevah.
149
00:06:37,869 --> 00:06:40,252
Just Big Dubs
and Run-DM-Steve.
150
00:06:40,287 --> 00:06:43,252
Steve, I will murder you.
151
00:06:43,287 --> 00:06:45,252
Wanna watch Willy wizzle
and the chizzle fizzle?
152
00:06:45,287 --> 00:06:48,252
- I rented it on blu-rizzle.
- I'm warning you, Steve.
153
00:06:48,287 --> 00:06:49,252
[Whispers]
Give him the pie.
154
00:06:49,287 --> 00:06:53,252
Oh, I made you
a p-cuh-p-cuh-p-cuh-p-cuh-p-cuh-
155
00:06:53,287 --> 00:06:57,252
p-cuh-p-cuh-p-cuh-p-cuh-p-cuh-
p-cuh-p-cuh-p-cuh-p-cuh-pie!
156
00:06:57,287 --> 00:06:58,252
Yes!
157
00:06:58,287 --> 00:07:02,252
Uh-oh,
my p-cuh-p-cuh-p-cuh-pie.
158
00:07:02,287 --> 00:07:05,252
Oh, no.
Malloy, call an ambu-lizzle!
159
00:07:05,287 --> 00:07:08,252
[Groans]
Woody, I have good news
160
00:07:08,287 --> 00:07:10,252
and bad news
and super bad news.
161
00:07:10,287 --> 00:07:12,252
What's the super bad news?
162
00:07:12,287 --> 00:07:13,252
[Sighs]
163
00:07:14,252 --> 00:07:15,252
Ben Affleck is the new Batman.
164
00:07:15,287 --> 00:07:18,252
Who gives a shit?!
What about me?
165
00:07:18,287 --> 00:07:20,252
Woody, you destroyed
your liver,
166
00:07:20,287 --> 00:07:21,252
totally, well, [Bleep] It up.
167
00:07:21,287 --> 00:07:24,252
The good news is, I have
a donor liver right here.
168
00:07:24,287 --> 00:07:27,225
- Oh, that's great, doc.
- The bad news is that
169
00:07:27,226 --> 00:07:31,252
according to page 2,242
of the Obamacare manual,
170
00:07:31,287 --> 00:07:34,252
this liver must go
to a gay, illegal immigrant.
171
00:07:34,287 --> 00:07:37,252
Holy shit, Fox News was right.
172
00:07:37,287 --> 00:07:41,252
Woody, since we can't find you
a liver, you'll be sharing one.
173
00:07:41,287 --> 00:07:43,252
Share a liver? With who?
174
00:07:43,952 --> 00:07:45,252
- Hey, liver buddy!
- What?
175
00:07:45,287 --> 00:07:47,252
You attached me to this moron?
176
00:07:47,287 --> 00:07:49,252
Why didn't you just
put me on dialysis?
177
00:07:49,287 --> 00:07:52,252
Trust me, Woody, I tried.
Isn't that right, dialysis?
178
00:07:52,287 --> 00:07:55,603
Ain't nobody getting on dialysis
unless they put a ring on it.
179
00:07:57,626 --> 00:07:59,626
If you had to sew me to someone,
180
00:07:59,661 --> 00:08:01,626
why did you have
to pick captain dumbass?
181
00:08:01,661 --> 00:08:04,626
Well, Woody, he was the only
one who would volunteer.
182
00:08:04,661 --> 00:08:08,626
- 'Cause that's what friends do.
- If you were a real friend,
183
00:08:08,661 --> 00:08:11,059
you would have just given me
your liver and died!
184
00:08:11,216 --> 00:08:13,626
This is even better. Now we can
really get to know each other.
185
00:08:13,661 --> 00:08:16,626
Doc, when can you saw
this talking tumor off of me?
186
00:08:16,661 --> 00:08:19,626
- I got an event to go to.
- Let's see.
187
00:08:19,661 --> 00:08:22,626
Actually, it says here
that if a gay, illegal immigrant
188
00:08:22,661 --> 00:08:24,626
does not need the liver
within 48 hours,
189
00:08:24,661 --> 00:08:25,626
huh, it's all yours.
190
00:08:25,661 --> 00:08:29,626
- Great, just in time to get my award.
- Speaking of awards,
191
00:08:29,661 --> 00:08:33,626
have I shown you my Bruce Jenner
"horrors of medicine" trophy?
192
00:08:35,626 --> 00:08:37,626
There goes our number one
tourist attraction.
193
00:08:38,376 --> 00:08:39,376
[Cell phone beeps]
194
00:08:39,211 --> 00:08:42,176
"Give me, give me
some of that big, flappy ass."
195
00:08:42,211 --> 00:08:46,176
- Ew! Who is that from?
- Ugh, Barack.
196
00:08:46,211 --> 00:08:47,176
Let me get this straight.
197
00:08:47,211 --> 00:08:51,043
The President of the United
States of America just texted,
198
00:08:51,044 --> 00:08:55,176
"give me, give me
some of that big, floppy ass"?
199
00:08:55,211 --> 00:08:58,176
- No, he said, "flappy."
- Let me see that.
200
00:08:58,211 --> 00:09:02,176
- There's nothing there.
- I know. He used a snapchat.
201
00:09:02,211 --> 00:09:04,052
Connie, you better cut out
this nonsense before the
202
00:09:04,053 --> 00:09:07,076
president gets here, or you
could get into some real trouble.
203
00:09:07,176 --> 00:09:09,176
It's not nonsense, Ethel, I swear.
204
00:09:09,211 --> 00:09:10,176
[Cell phone beeps]
205
00:09:10,211 --> 00:09:14,919
"Flap, flap, flappy ass.
Give me that big, flappy ass.
206
00:09:15,176 --> 00:09:21,176
Give me, give me, flappy dappy,
floppity, sucking titties."
207
00:09:21,211 --> 00:09:23,011
Snapchat.
208
00:09:24,396 --> 00:09:27,036
Welcome to o'Bobbycare.
209
00:09:27,321 --> 00:09:29,396
Now just sign here,
and give me your premium.
210
00:09:29,431 --> 00:09:31,956
- Okay, Bobby.
- This is easier than I thought.
211
00:09:31,991 --> 00:09:34,396
As long as you don't get hurt,
everything will be okay.
212
00:09:34,431 --> 00:09:38,396
- I got a pencil stuck in my eye, Bobby.
- Jesus, Bodean, you gotta be careful.
213
00:09:38,431 --> 00:09:40,396
Now I got two pencils
stuck in my eye, Bobby.
214
00:09:40,431 --> 00:09:42,396
Stop sticking pencils
in your eye.
215
00:09:42,866 --> 00:09:46,396
- Damn it, Bodean.
- What? Pens too?
216
00:09:46,431 --> 00:09:47,396
- Ow!
- Oopsie.
217
00:09:47,431 --> 00:09:48,396
[Both grunting]
218
00:09:48,431 --> 00:09:49,981
[Chuckles]
219
00:09:50,396 --> 00:09:52,396
- Steve, turn left.
- My left or your left?
220
00:09:52,431 --> 00:09:53,396
They're the same goddamn left.
221
00:09:53,431 --> 00:09:55,396
[Grunts]
Ah, [Bleep].
222
00:09:55,431 --> 00:09:57,396
[Both grunting]
223
00:09:57,431 --> 00:09:59,396
Shit!
Steve, get your ass up!
224
00:09:59,431 --> 00:10:02,396
As you can all see,
I have grown a dork.
225
00:10:02,431 --> 00:10:03,396
Woody, tell me if this hurts.
226
00:10:03,431 --> 00:10:04,396
[Screams]
227
00:10:04,431 --> 00:10:07,396
Shouldn't you two still be
in the hospital?
228
00:10:07,431 --> 00:10:10,107
What? And ruin my
perfect attendance record?
229
00:10:10,223 --> 00:10:12,396
Hell, no.
It's business as usual.
230
00:10:12,431 --> 00:10:14,396
Now let's get ser...
[Laughs]
231
00:10:14,431 --> 00:10:16,396
- Tickle fight.
- Stop!
232
00:10:16,431 --> 00:10:17,396
I swear to God, Steve.
233
00:10:17,431 --> 00:10:21,396
[Goofy voice] Why are you
so mean, Mr. Grumpy Lumps?
234
00:10:21,431 --> 00:10:24,396
Ahh!
[Yells]
235
00:10:24,896 --> 00:10:28,396
Now let's have a [Bleep] party.
Denzel, security report.
236
00:10:28,431 --> 00:10:30,396
I took all your electronics
down to the pawn shop.
237
00:10:30,431 --> 00:10:32,396
Uh, yeah, they defuse
dirty bombs down there.
238
00:10:32,431 --> 00:10:34,396
Good job. Okay.
That's lunch, everybody.
239
00:10:34,431 --> 00:10:36,396
Come on, liver boy,
we're going to Hooters.
240
00:10:36,431 --> 00:10:39,396
Sorry, I practice over lunch,
and I can't miss it.
241
00:10:39,431 --> 00:10:40,396
Practice what?
242
00:10:40,431 --> 00:10:42,396
- I like to sing a capella...
- All: # a capella #
243
00:10:42,431 --> 00:10:44,396
- Oh, I hate a capella.
- # Makes me a most happy fella #
244
00:10:44,431 --> 00:10:46,396
A capella sucks!
Stop it. Stop it.
245
00:10:46,431 --> 00:10:48,396
- # I sing songs loud or mellow #
- All: # a capella #
246
00:10:48,431 --> 00:10:52,396
- # all the girls' legs turn to jell-o #
- All: # a capella #
247
00:10:52,431 --> 00:10:53,396
♪ they can sound like ♪
248
00:10:53,431 --> 00:10:58,396
How about I wash yours,
and you wash mine?
249
00:10:58,431 --> 00:11:00,662
Nooo!
250
00:11:03,396 --> 00:11:06,396
Hmm.
Do you have insurance?
251
00:11:06,431 --> 00:11:08,396
Yep, he's right there.
252
00:11:08,431 --> 00:11:11,396
Okay, here we go.
That'll be $1,200.
253
00:11:11,431 --> 00:11:13,676
- $1,200?
- Don't thank me.
254
00:11:13,711 --> 00:11:16,396
Thank the greatest health care
system in the world.
255
00:11:16,431 --> 00:11:19,396
That's it, Bodean. I am
dropping you from o'Bobbycare.
256
00:11:19,431 --> 00:11:21,396
Well, according to page one
of the o'Bobbycare manual,
257
00:11:21,431 --> 00:11:23,396
- you can't do that, Bobby.
- Damn it.
258
00:11:23,431 --> 00:11:25,396
Please tell me there's
nothing else wrong with you.
259
00:11:25,431 --> 00:11:27,396
Don't worry, Bobby...
I just got high blood pressure,
260
00:11:27,431 --> 00:11:29,396
high sugar,
diverticulitis, colitis,
261
00:11:29,431 --> 00:11:32,396
gingivitis, bieber fever,
and sores on my Peter.
262
00:11:32,431 --> 00:11:33,396
[Snores]
263
00:11:33,431 --> 00:11:36,396
No, no, mommy.
[Screams]
264
00:11:36,431 --> 00:11:41,396
♪ Hush, little baby,
don't say a word ♪
265
00:11:41,431 --> 00:11:46,396
♪ mama's gonna fry you
a talking turd ♪
266
00:11:47,632 --> 00:11:49,878
Wow, I don't know
what you did,
267
00:11:49,913 --> 00:11:51,396
but that is
the best night of sleep I've had
268
00:11:51,431 --> 00:11:53,396
since my mom
starved me into a coma.
269
00:11:53,606 --> 00:11:57,196
- I feel incredible.
- Wait till you try this.
270
00:11:57,217 --> 00:11:58,396
[Chewing]
271
00:11:58,431 --> 00:12:01,396
It's like a coconut angel
took a shit in my mouth.
272
00:12:01,431 --> 00:12:03,396
- Thanks.
- You know what, Steve?
273
00:12:03,431 --> 00:12:04,396
I never thought
I'd say it,
274
00:12:04,431 --> 00:12:07,396
but I'm starting to
hate you a little less.
275
00:12:07,431 --> 00:12:11,396
♪ Be my, be my, be my, be my,
be my, be my BFF ♪
276
00:12:11,431 --> 00:12:15,396
All: # best friends forever,
whatever we endeavor #
277
00:12:15,431 --> 00:12:18,396
♪ our bond won't ever sever ♪
278
00:12:18,431 --> 00:12:21,396
♪ no matter whatso-whatsoever ♪
[All grunting]
279
00:12:21,431 --> 00:12:24,396
♪ Best friends forever,
whatever... ♪
280
00:12:24,431 --> 00:12:25,396
Whoo! Yeah!
281
00:12:25,431 --> 00:12:27,396
All: # together wherever #
282
00:12:27,431 --> 00:12:30,396
♪ I'm happy settled in between ♪
283
00:12:30,431 --> 00:12:33,396
♪ be my, be my, be my, be my,
be my, be my BFF ♪
284
00:12:33,431 --> 00:12:37,406
♪ oh, best friend ♪
285
00:12:38,524 --> 00:12:40,925
_
286
00:12:43,031 --> 00:12:46,196
Well, I guess our 48 hours is almost up.
287
00:12:46,231 --> 00:12:49,196
If I had to be
surgically attached to anybody,
288
00:12:49,231 --> 00:12:53,196
- I'm glad it was you, Steve.
- Really? Thanks, buddy.
289
00:12:53,231 --> 00:12:54,196
Well, it's time, Woody.
290
00:12:54,231 --> 00:12:57,285
Lucky for you, there's
not one single gay,
291
00:12:57,286 --> 00:12:59,421
illegal immigrant who
needs a liver today.
292
00:12:59,430 --> 00:13:00,230
[Techno music]
293
00:13:00,231 --> 00:13:03,178
My liver exploded.
[Screams]
294
00:13:04,011 --> 00:13:04,976
Oh, not good.
295
00:13:05,011 --> 00:13:07,976
Are you familiar with
a medical term called "jinxing"?
296
00:13:08,011 --> 00:13:10,603
Yeah. Looks like you'll be
stuck with Steve for your event.
297
00:13:10,976 --> 00:13:12,976
God damn it, no!
How could this happen to me?
298
00:13:13,376 --> 00:13:15,976
Woody, what's the big deal?
We'll just go together.
299
00:13:16,011 --> 00:13:17,640
"What's the big deal?"
300
00:13:17,666 --> 00:13:21,976
I've told you a thousand times, Steve!
I don't want you there!
301
00:13:22,011 --> 00:13:23,976
But I-I thought
things were different now.
302
00:13:24,011 --> 00:13:26,976
- I thought you liked me.
- Nothing is different.
303
00:13:27,011 --> 00:13:29,976
I was just making the best
of a shitty situation.
304
00:13:30,011 --> 00:13:31,976
I don't like you, and I never will!
305
00:13:32,011 --> 00:13:33,976
You don't deserve a friend like me.
306
00:13:34,011 --> 00:13:34,976
[Grunting]
307
00:13:35,011 --> 00:13:37,352
Can you fellows take this
argument someplace else?
308
00:13:37,976 --> 00:13:38,976
I have an illegal to operate on.
309
00:13:39,011 --> 00:13:40,976
[Groans]
I need anesthesia.
310
00:13:41,011 --> 00:13:41,976
Anesthesia?
311
00:13:42,011 --> 00:13:45,082
What you want, mother[Bleep]?
I'm tryin' to sleep!
312
00:13:46,643 --> 00:13:49,643
Nom, nom, nom, nom,
mmm, mmm.
313
00:13:49,678 --> 00:13:51,643
- What the hell are you eating?
- Raw bacon.
314
00:13:51,678 --> 00:13:54,333
- You can't eat raw bacon.
- All right, then,
315
00:13:54,334 --> 00:13:56,587
I'll just drink this
94-ounce Coca-Cola.
316
00:13:56,622 --> 00:13:59,729
- Raw bacon makes me thirsty.
- Well, I'm banning big sodas,
317
00:13:59,730 --> 00:14:03,643
raw bacon, and anything else that'll
[Bleep] you up, including guns.
318
00:14:03,678 --> 00:14:06,643
Guns? What am I gonna put
in my mouth when I jack off?
319
00:14:06,678 --> 00:14:09,643
- Why are you doing this, Bobby?
- Because if you get sick or hurt,
320
00:14:09,678 --> 00:14:12,643
I'm gonna have to pay for it,
you dumb son of a bitch.
321
00:14:12,678 --> 00:14:13,643
You know what?
322
00:14:13,678 --> 00:14:15,643
O'Bobbycare took away
everything I love.
323
00:14:15,678 --> 00:14:17,643
Obama would never hurt me like this.
324
00:14:17,678 --> 00:14:19,643
Oh!
[music]
325
00:14:21,643 --> 00:14:24,643
Yeah, he's a real jerk.
I can't stand him.
326
00:14:24,678 --> 00:14:26,643
No. He's right next to me
327
00:14:26,678 --> 00:14:29,643
with his big, stupid
Kathleen Turner mustache.
328
00:14:29,678 --> 00:14:31,643
[Bleep] You.
That's not even a real phone.
329
00:14:31,678 --> 00:14:33,662
See what I'm dealing with?
330
00:14:33,697 --> 00:14:35,643
Down syndrome?
[Grunts]
331
00:14:35,678 --> 00:14:39,643
I've got a surprise for you, Steve.
332
00:14:39,678 --> 00:14:41,643
What's in the box?
333
00:14:41,678 --> 00:14:42,643
I think we're all hoping
it's Gwyneth Paltrow's head.
334
00:14:42,678 --> 00:14:44,643
Oh, you'll see.
335
00:14:44,678 --> 00:14:47,643
It's my plan to keep you
from screwing up my event
336
00:14:47,678 --> 00:14:51,643
and make me look like
a hero in the process.
337
00:14:51,678 --> 00:14:52,643
Woody? Woody, no!
338
00:14:52,678 --> 00:14:54,174
No, no, no, no!
What are you doing?
339
00:14:54,209 --> 00:14:56,326
[Motor running]
[Screams]
340
00:14:59,643 --> 00:15:03,643
- Ah, here is the man of the hour.
- Hey, great to see you.
341
00:15:03,678 --> 00:15:04,643
And who is your guest?
342
00:15:04,678 --> 00:15:08,379
This is a cancer kid.
I saved his life,
343
00:15:08,643 --> 00:15:10,643
had him sewn to me,
so he could share my liver.
344
00:15:10,678 --> 00:15:12,643
The cancer took his.
345
00:15:12,678 --> 00:15:15,643
Dear God.
What's your name, son?
346
00:15:15,678 --> 00:15:17,643
[Grunts]
[Gasps]
347
00:15:17,678 --> 00:15:20,643
Did I mention he's also a mute
and pretty much brain dead?
348
00:15:20,678 --> 00:15:23,643
So he's brain dead and a mute?
349
00:15:23,678 --> 00:15:26,643
Well, he wasn't born a
mute. He had tonsil cancer.
350
00:15:26,678 --> 00:15:28,603
Oh, I thought
he had liver cancer.
351
00:15:28,643 --> 00:15:30,643
Oh, he does.
He's getting it from both ends.
352
00:15:30,678 --> 00:15:34,643
Cancer's running a train
on this brain-dead bastard.
353
00:15:34,678 --> 00:15:36,643
Well, have a splendid time.
354
00:15:36,828 --> 00:15:38,793
[Whispers] This sucks.
I'll never forgive you for this.
355
00:15:38,828 --> 00:15:40,979
You just keep your mouth
shut. You're not screwing
356
00:15:40,980 --> 00:15:42,793
this up for me, you
annoying waste of space.
357
00:15:42,828 --> 00:15:46,793
- Oh, hello, Senator Varnadoe.
- And who is this with you?
358
00:15:46,828 --> 00:15:48,793
Just a shit-for-brains
cancer mute.
359
00:15:48,828 --> 00:15:50,793
He'll be dead soon,
so just pretend he's not here.
360
00:15:50,828 --> 00:15:52,793
- Crab cakes, gentlemen?
- Not for me.
361
00:15:52,828 --> 00:15:55,793
I'm highly allergic.
362
00:15:57,793 --> 00:16:02,793
Yes, this is truly an honor.
Whoa, did it get hot in here?
363
00:16:02,828 --> 00:16:06,793
- Mr. Johnson, are you feeling okay?
- Yeah, yeah, I never felt better.
364
00:16:06,828 --> 00:16:10,793
Announcer: Attention, everyone,
the president has arrived.
365
00:16:10,828 --> 00:16:12,793
[Cheers and applause]
366
00:16:17,793 --> 00:16:20,793
Now remember, Connie,
keep in touch with reality.
367
00:16:20,828 --> 00:16:22,793
You'll see.
368
00:16:22,828 --> 00:16:24,793
- Hello, Barry.
- Connie!
369
00:16:24,828 --> 00:16:28,811
- I'm sorry, do I know you?
- You should. You've sent me over a hundred
370
00:16:28,812 --> 00:16:30,793
dirty texts in the last week,
you pervert.
371
00:16:30,828 --> 00:16:31,793
[Laughs]
372
00:16:31,828 --> 00:16:33,793
Who is this guy?
He's funny.
373
00:16:33,828 --> 00:16:35,793
Leave me alone. I mean it.
374
00:16:35,828 --> 00:16:38,793
No, no. [Groans]
375
00:16:42,793 --> 00:16:44,793
Hello, Connie.
376
00:16:46,793 --> 00:16:47,793
Do you know how hard
it was to pretend
377
00:16:47,828 --> 00:16:49,793
I didn't know you back there?
378
00:16:49,828 --> 00:16:51,793
I had to make up this stupid
award just to get close to you.
379
00:16:51,828 --> 00:16:56,793
No, Barry. I've told you
a hundred times, I'm a lesbian.
380
00:16:56,828 --> 00:16:57,793
- Oh!
- [Whispers] So was Michelle.
381
00:16:57,828 --> 00:16:58,793
I like a challenge.
382
00:16:58,828 --> 00:17:00,793
[Sniffs]
383
00:17:00,828 --> 00:17:03,793
You smell like a petting zoo
on a hot Sunday.
384
00:17:03,828 --> 00:17:06,793
- Stop it.
- I remember the first day we met.
385
00:17:06,828 --> 00:17:10,793
I was intoxicated
by that big, pasty ass.
386
00:17:10,828 --> 00:17:13,793
I've been chasing
that ginger dragon ever since.
387
00:17:13,828 --> 00:17:16,793
Barry, you're a married man.
We can't.
388
00:17:16,828 --> 00:17:20,793
Yes, we can, Connie.
Yes, we can.
389
00:17:20,828 --> 00:17:21,793
[Knocking]
390
00:17:21,828 --> 00:17:24,207
Mr. president, it's time to go on.
391
00:17:24,208 --> 00:17:25,793
Damn. I'll be right there.
392
00:17:25,828 --> 00:17:29,793
I'll be back
for that big flappy, dappy ass.
393
00:17:29,828 --> 00:17:31,793
[Gibberish]
394
00:17:31,828 --> 00:17:34,793
Please welcome the President
of the United States,
395
00:17:34,828 --> 00:17:38,793
Barack Obama.
396
00:17:38,828 --> 00:17:41,793
It's a privilege
to be here on this special day
397
00:17:41,828 --> 00:17:43,805
to honor a great American
and one of our
398
00:17:43,806 --> 00:17:46,818
nation's majestic national
parks, Brickleberry.
399
00:17:46,853 --> 00:17:51,793
National parks are both big
and beautiful
400
00:17:51,828 --> 00:17:54,793
- and flappy dappy.
- The man is a good speaker.
401
00:17:54,828 --> 00:17:56,793
So, without further adieu,
402
00:17:56,828 --> 00:17:58,390
I'd like to introduce
the man of the hour,
403
00:17:58,455 --> 00:17:59,793
accompanied
by the brain-dead,
404
00:17:59,828 --> 00:18:01,793
mute cancer kid
whose life he saved.
405
00:18:01,828 --> 00:18:05,793
Ladies and gentlemen,
Mr. Woody Johnson.
406
00:18:05,828 --> 00:18:07,793
Oh!
Hey, look, it's Lena Dunham.
407
00:18:07,828 --> 00:18:09,793
She's so brave.
408
00:18:09,828 --> 00:18:12,365
Now, this man not only saves
cancer-stricken children's lives,
409
00:18:12,408 --> 00:18:14,793
but more importantly,
shows up for work every day,
410
00:18:14,828 --> 00:18:17,793
and so I present this award to you.
411
00:18:17,828 --> 00:18:19,904
Thank you, Mr. presid...
412
00:18:19,918 --> 00:18:23,689
[Vomiting]
[Music]
413
00:18:23,724 --> 00:18:27,728
U.S.A.! U.S.A.!
U.S.A.!
414
00:18:28,839 --> 00:18:31,839
[All screaming]
415
00:18:34,839 --> 00:18:36,839
Oh, God, how did this happen?
416
00:18:36,874 --> 00:18:41,839
Hmm, it wasn't that tray
of crab cakes I ate, was it?
417
00:18:41,874 --> 00:18:43,798
You did this? You son of a bitch,
418
00:18:43,799 --> 00:18:45,839
you ruined the best day of my life!
419
00:18:45,874 --> 00:18:47,839
You wouldn't have a life
if it wasn't for me.
420
00:18:47,874 --> 00:18:49,839
I just wanted to be your friend,
421
00:18:49,874 --> 00:18:51,839
and all you did was treat me like shit.
422
00:18:51,874 --> 00:18:54,839
- And you gave me cancer.
- I'm gonna kill you.
423
00:18:54,874 --> 00:18:55,839
Not if I kill you first.
424
00:18:55,874 --> 00:18:59,839
[Both grunting]
425
00:18:59,874 --> 00:19:01,839
Mr. Johnson, I'm from Fox News.
426
00:19:01,874 --> 00:19:04,839
I'd like to present you with
our "man of the year" award
427
00:19:04,874 --> 00:19:06,839
for puking all over the president.
Well done, sir.
428
00:19:06,874 --> 00:19:09,839
Oh, my God,
I don't know what to say.
429
00:19:09,874 --> 00:19:11,724
What an honor.
Well, this beats the
430
00:19:11,725 --> 00:19:13,839
shit out of a stupid presidential medal,
431
00:19:13,874 --> 00:19:15,839
and I owe it all
to my friend Steve.
432
00:19:16,839 --> 00:19:19,839
- We're friends? Really?
- You bet, buddy.
433
00:19:19,874 --> 00:19:21,839
Sorry for being such a dick.
434
00:19:21,874 --> 00:19:23,839
I guess we all learned
a good lesson today.
435
00:19:23,874 --> 00:19:25,839
Why don't you
wash that lesson down
436
00:19:25,874 --> 00:19:28,839
- with some delicious crab cakes?
- Oh, great idea, Malloy.
437
00:19:29,839 --> 00:19:31,839
No, Steve, no!
I'm highly allerg...
438
00:19:31,874 --> 00:19:32,839
[vomiting]
439
00:19:34,589 --> 00:19:37,589
- Hey, Bobby.
- I told you, Bodean, I'm flat broke.
440
00:19:37,624 --> 00:19:39,589
- I can't take you to the doctor.
- That's okay, Bobby.
441
00:19:39,624 --> 00:19:41,589
The pain will go away
when I bleed out and die.
442
00:19:41,624 --> 00:19:44,589
I sure do wish you had dependable
health coverage like I do.
443
00:19:44,624 --> 00:19:46,589
I didn't know
you had health insurance.
444
00:19:46,624 --> 00:19:48,589
Yeah, after I spent all
that money on your medical bills
445
00:19:48,624 --> 00:19:50,589
and went broke,
I qualified for Obamacare.
446
00:19:50,624 --> 00:19:52,293
It's awesome.
447
00:19:52,589 --> 00:19:54,589
Too bad there ain't no way
to get on your policy.
448
00:19:54,624 --> 00:19:56,589
Well, there is one way.
449
00:19:56,624 --> 00:19:59,589
I now pronounce you
husband and husband.
450
00:19:59,624 --> 00:20:01,289
Have fun in hell.
451
00:20:01,589 --> 00:20:02,589
[Cheers and applause]
452
00:20:02,624 --> 00:20:04,589
Well, good news, Bodean,
453
00:20:04,624 --> 00:20:06,632
you got insurance now, because
we're officially married.
454
00:20:07,589 --> 00:20:10,589
It ain't official
until we consummate it.
455
00:20:14,589 --> 00:20:16,589
[Screaming]
456
00:20:18,589 --> 00:20:19,589
Connie, you're lucky
they didn't commit you.
457
00:20:19,624 --> 00:20:21,589
I was telling the truth
the whole time.
458
00:20:21,624 --> 00:20:23,589
Barack really does want me.
459
00:20:23,624 --> 00:20:25,589
[Cell phone ringing]
460
00:20:25,624 --> 00:20:26,589
Hello?
461
00:20:27,466 --> 00:20:29,589
Connie, I'm sorry
I got swept away last night.
462
00:20:29,624 --> 00:20:31,589
I'll be back
for that flappy ass soon.
463
00:20:31,624 --> 00:20:34,589
In the meantime, I sent
a present to tide you over.
464
00:20:34,624 --> 00:20:36,589
Let me guess.
That was "Barry," right?
465
00:20:36,624 --> 00:20:39,589
Yep, and he said
he sent me a present.
466
00:20:39,624 --> 00:20:41,589
I wonder what it could...
[Cell phone beeps]
467
00:20:41,624 --> 00:20:45,589
Ew. Gross.
Obama sent me a dick pic.
468
00:20:45,624 --> 00:20:49,589
- It's just a black screen.
- It's a close up.
469
00:20:49,624 --> 00:20:51,321
[Screams]
470
00:20:51,322 --> 00:20:54,322
sync & correction by f1nc0
~ Addic7ed.com ~
471
00:20:56,013 --> 00:21:02,113
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