Original subtitles

Who's there?

What the fuck?

Some say the earth will end in fire, others in ice.

From what I've tasted of desire, I hold that those who favor fire.

Some women prefer white men to men.

Others prefer Asian.

I, however, prefer the underage, dark-skinned boys...

who play basketball and listen to Chris Brown.

Excuse me?

I didn't say anything.

Marry me.

Change me.

Marry me.

No, seriously, change me.

I think I just soiled my pants.

Do you want the bears or the bunnies?

Bunnies are good.

Grandma?

Wow, what are you doing here?

Grandma, I want you to meet my boyfriend, Edward.

Hello.

Hi.

Hello.

Yes.

Hello, Grandma.

No teeth.

Oh, God.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

No.

Looks like somebody got in a little late last night.

Actually, I got in at exactly 8 o'clock.

So what, Edward's trying to brown-nose me now?

What?

Got a surprise for you, sweetheart.

Look who's going to be staying with us for a few weeks.

Grandma?

Yeah. Yeah, Grandma thought she'd come out and see you graduate.

Wait.

Oh, no.

Oh, hey, Belle.

Who's a vampire?

Huh?

Yeah.

Hey.

Good morning, sweetheart.

Oh, looks like somebody got in a little late last night.

Actually, Dad, I got in exactly at 8 o'clock.

So what, Edward's trying to brown-nose me now?

You know what, Dad, let's just move on.

Look, you know why I grounded you, right?

Because I suggested the features that make Facebook as lame as MySpace?

What?

Because I've been asleep for three movies?

What?

Oh, is it because I accidentally trapped those 33 Chileans in a mine for over a month?

No, no, it's because I wanted separation between you and Edward.

Dad, there's nothing you can say. Edward's in my life.

Hello!

Yeah, I gathered that.

All right, look, I'll make you a deal.

You're not grounded anymore, if...

you use some of your newfound freedom to spend some time with your other friends, too.

Like Jacob.

Honey, he's going through a real rough time now.

His dad's worried about him.

I remember when that was you.

You needed a friend. Jake was there.

Not to mention that they're turning that Indian reservation into a casino.

Honey, you could marry into a ton of cash.

Then you could finally buy your old man three Taiwanese hookers.

What?

Two Taiwanese hookers.

I'm good with one. Not selfish.

Jacob hadn't talked to me in weeks.

I wanted to fix it, but...

he just wouldn't give me a chance.

No, I'm going to the cheese store.

They have this new Cameron bear that's supposed to be...

That's some sexy cheese.

Edward's been having a tough time trusting me as of late.

And I wasn't exactly sure why.

Maybe it was because he saw me take a 20 out of his wallet.

Or maybe it was because he caught me giving oral at the dancing bear party.

I don't know, I just don't get it.

Mind?

So, we spotted Bella and Edward together again.

And according to them, they swear they're not an item.

Whatevs, he's so dropping his nuts in her mouth.

As opposed to dropping them on her chest.

Or wouldn't that make them chestnuts?

Sorry, Harry. Blond dude's nuts joke was better.

Hey, so what's the deal, guys? You together or what?

Oh, come on. You got diehard fans. They want to know what's going on.

Bella, is Edward well hung or does he have a tiny penis?

That is wildly inappropriate.

What about Bella, Edward? Does she have a large vagina?

Whoa, that too is incredibly inappropriate.

We got 25% off for all new members. There you go, sweetheart.

We got buttons, we got socks, T-shirts, sneakers, we got whatever you want.

All right, here we go.

I've decided to throw a party.

After all, how many times do we get to graduate high school?

Another party, Alice?

It'll be fun. We'll have a chalupa truck, a petting zoo, and we'll drink some blood.

What?

There's no one there. Look again.

Aw, who are they?

The little colons. They're little versions of us.

They swoop into towns after we've left them behind and pick up all the emotionally wounded scraps.

Don't look now, Bella. Little Edward is totally eyeing you.

Little Edward.

Edward.

We have a pact, you little putz. You're not supposed to be within 100 miles of me.

I'm well aware of that, but I don't give a crap. I'm hot for Bella.

She's one hot piece of ass. See?

You're just jealous because Bella wants me.

Little Jasper.

Jasper.

You never answered any of my calls.

I missed you.

I missed you stalking me.

I missed your scent.

I missed your forehead.

I missed everything.

Edward seemed a little uneasy about the arrival of the little colons.

From what I was told, they always seemed to put him in a weird place.

He just wasn't acting like himself.

It was making me nervous.

But nothing outweighed the disdain he had for Jacob.

Don't let him touch you.

I measured it off at six and three-quarter inches this morning.

What?

Huh?

Where have you been?

Hanging out at home.

While you were hanging out at home, the guy spotted your ginger.

Victoria.

Alice's vision.

I was trying to protect you.

By lying to me?

See, that's what you get with these vampires.

With me, you get so much more.

You get honesty and eight and three-quarter inches.

I thought you said you were six and three-quarter inches.

I lied.

I need to talk to him.

I don't trust him.

Don't worry, he's a great driver.

There's the bin, Jake.

I'm just going for a ride.

Damn right we are.

Watch your leg.

Oh, hold on.

I got my pant leg caught.

Oh, there we go.

You ready now?

Yeah, yeah.

All right, here we go.

Ow!

Yeah, hop off, hop off.

Hey, can you help?

Why?

Ah, rats.

I got the corn dog, so you're good with this, right?

I knew it.

How was school today?

It hasn't started yet.

Oh, mother of pearl, this is heavy.

The pipe made of bricks?

There's a fire under us, let's move!

Okay.

That first mile, there were a lot of snakes.

Like, I mean, an ungodly amount of snakes.

I can't believe that.

Just leave that there if you want.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Are you all right?

It's okay, she didn't mean it.

We'll be back to take care of you later.

Hey, are you sure it's cool that I'm here?

I mean, I'm not a werewolf.

You worry too much.

Of course.

Ah, look who's back.

What up, Belle?

Quo, you too?

Yep, finally made the pack.

Nothing's... good.

Glad you're here, Bella.

Now we can finally get a break from Jacob constantly humping the pool heater.

Not to mention the mattress.

Don't forget the fresh cantaloupe.

Oh, yeah.

It's his way of imprinting.

What?

It just feels really good, okay?

Yeah, it does, right?

So, what's this whole, uh, imprinting thing?

Imprinting?

Ah...

Imprinting is when you see... her.

And... just everything changes.

It's no longer gravity that's keeping you on the planet.

It's simply... her.

And nothing else matters.

Sounds like you know the feeling.

Have you ever, um, imprinted on anyone?

I imprinted on my face first thing this morning.

Now look at this little guy we got here.

Jacob, Edward's going to change me after graduation.

What?

You knew this was coming.

Not in a month, or before you even lived, or I had a chance to even imprint all over the great abs you've got there.

Oh, my God! Would you look at the ass of that sweet bitch? I would tear that shit up in two seconds.

Jacob, I know that this hurts right now, but in time, you'll forget about me.

Jacob.

Jacob!

I've got a six-pack.

I was just saying, in time, you'll forget about me.

Bella...

You really have no idea how much you mean to me.

Ah!

Don't touch me.

I just imprinted in my pants.

You know, uh, Edward could at least respect meal times.

I was with Jake.

Oh.

Dad, the word is on your face.

What?

Do you understand how worried I've been?

I was perfectly safe.

I almost broke the tree and had to cancel my blow-dry appointment.

Oh, God, sorry. I know, I smell like dog semen.

No.

Something's wrong.

Edward? What's wrong?

Someone's been in here. Any hijackers have any thunder.

Who was it?

Someone we know.

Just a stranger. I didn't recognize his scent, but it was intoxicating.

A nomad just passing through?

A passerby wouldn't have left Bella's dad alive. I wouldn't have.

Zen disappeared about five miles south of Bella's house.

He was very pungent.

I think he had huevos rancheros.

Someone's orchestrating this.

Victoria? I would have seen her decide.

Has to be the Volturi.

I don't think it's the Volturi, either. I've been watching Jane's decisions, too.

So we keep looking.

We'll all take shifts watching Bella at her house.

Another protection detail for this little bitch?

Rosalie.

No, she's... she's totally right.

You guys can't protect me, watch my dad, follow the intruder,

stock up on glitter and keep yourselves fed.

I'm not going to leave you here unprotected.

Well, I won't let you starve.

Besides, I won't be unprotected.

Jacob and the wolves can help.

Abs!

You know what I'm thinking?

Oh, shit.

We missed the first five minutes of Ace of Cakes.

No!

Sometimes I wish I'd never moved to Forks.

I've caused so much drama, I would have been better off staying in Arizona.

But at the same time, I was kind of a loser in Arizona.

I ate lunch by myself, stayed home on Saturday nights,

went to the homecoming dance with Chow Lin, the blonde Korean pool boy.

You know, on second thought, I guess I really should have moved here.

This is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me.

Well, besides dry-humping Chow Lin.

Is somebody eating Junior Mints? I totally smell Junior Mints.

I love Junior Mints.

Sometimes I'll eat like 20 at a time and then throw them up.

I'm bulimic and vegan.

Oh, shit, there's an In-N-Out. Oh, I gotta run.

Well, whoever it was forgot to flush the toilet. That thing was huge.

But we picked up his scent. Won't be hard to miss next time we cross it.

We can handle it from here.

We don't need you to handle anyone or anything.

I'll handle your balls.

All right, we're done here.

No, you're done here.

Or maybe it's just the beginning.

Stop!

Stop it!

Stop!

God, I am so tired of this.

You know what? From now on, I'm Switzerland, okay?

By Switzerland, you mean large vagina?

Edward hated the idea.

But it wasn't about rivalry anymore.

It was about my safety and Charlie's.

And the amazing package the host had at CPK.

In the days that followed, I got them both to at least try to work together.

Damn you, Jacob the werewolf!

It wasn't exactly an easy alliance, but it worked.

While Edward and his family went out to hunt, I'd spend time with Jacob.

Are you sure it's okay that I'm here, seeing as I'm a vampire girl and all?

Do I have perfectly chiseled abs?

Besides, the tribal council has something special planned for you for tonight.

Jake! Jake!

The Quillettes have always been a small tribe from the beginning.

And we have always had the magic in our blood.

We were great spirit warriors.

Shapeshifters.

We transformed into powerful Autobots.

That fought the Decepticons.

While our children turned into Smurfs.

And we formed an alliance with Captain Crunch.

And fought the Hamburglar.

We were unstoppable.

Anyone in the mood for a good salad something?

Our warrior's sharp teeth finally tore it apart.

It tasted like chicken.

We completely killed it.

The blockbuster franchise and the amusement ride.

However, they lived in fear.

That the cold man was not alone.

And they were right.

There was a herd of them.

All of them different characters.

Played the exact same way.

Smells like oak.

The hint of berry.

That's stupid flinching.

They wiped out most of the tribe before they could escape.

Get away!

Mark Epstein.

Was the only spirit warrior.

The second wife was no match for the being with no special powers.

But what courage.

The cold was long enough.

For Chief Epstein to destroy it.

She saved the tribe.

It was a mitzvah.

Over time, our enemies have disappeared.

But one remains.

The cold ones.

Our magic awakens when they're near.

We sense it now.

We feel the threat.

In our blood, our loins, our corn holes.

Deep inside.

Kind of vibrating.

Proving around.

Pure heaven.

Something terrible is coming.

We must be ready.

Ready to break wind if we have to.

To get their attention.

And defeat them.

Excuse me a minute.

Oh, he just sharted himself.

This is a great new art piece, guys.

Oh, thanks, honey. Actually, it's old.

Rosalie found it in the basement this morning, and I just thought it'd be fun to look at.

Nice find, Rosalie.

Yeah, the guy was made after some African tribal leader.

Mom used to date him.

As you can see, he was excessively endowed.

Well, not as big as your father, honey.

Ted was just girthy, Mom.

He's not as long as Nimbat.

You see, Alice and I used to share Nimbat.

Actually, Mom stole him from me.

Now don't be angry because you're too tied to do anal.

Yeah, Alice. Anal's cool.

Wait, shh, shh, shh. I want to hear this.

Seattle is in a state of terror as police are baffled by the escalating murders,

disappearances, and how Brendan Fraser keeps getting work.

Brendan Fraser?

It's getting worse.

We might have to do something.

It takes more than one of our kind to report damages like that.

Quite a few more.

They're undisciplined, conspicuous, and they all sag their pants a little bit.

Newborns.

A.K.A. noobs.

Oh, like a level two orc in Warcraft.

The first few months after the change.

Right, that's when we're at our most uncontrollable.

We're vicious, bloodthirsty, and we have this weird OCD thing where we have to count all the time.

One testy-testy, ha-ha-ha.

Two testy-testy, ha-ha-ha.

Three testy-testy, ha-ha-ha.

Nobody tell anyone I have three testicles.

Something to look forward to.

The counting, not the testicles.

Right.

I'm going to go check the mail out front. Just ordered a new box of Proactiv.

Now these nooblets are untrained, but this isn't random.

Someone's creating an army.

A vampire army?

No, the Salvation Army, bitch.

Jesus Christ, what do you think we've been talking about?

We are an idiot. I fucking hate you.

We're the only clan closest to Seattle.

Regardless of why they were created, if we don't do something about them, the whole Tory will.

I'm surprised they haven't already done something.

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

Jesus Christ. Don't you ever die, bitch!

What the hell are you doing, Rosalie?

I'm sorry, she's just so effing annoying.

Why don't you just talk it out with her, for Christ's sake?

Oh, shit!

Project Runway just started, were you watching on the big screen upstairs?

Come on, Bella, stop being so pretentious!

I don't know how you do it, Carlo.

Do what?

Work around injured patients all day.

How do you not get tempted?

I've been doing this for a long time, Bella.

I've mastered self-control.

I wish all vampires had such control.

Know what I mean?

I do.

Is that Edward outside?

Where?

Oh, my bad.

You might feel a little prick.

What are you doing?

Nothing, it's standard for this kind of injury.

Sorry.

Sorry.

I was falling off the bed, and I grabbed what I could to break my fall.

What are you doing here?

I need to talk to you.

Mind giving little Edward a hand?

Incredibly hot, Bella.

I don't know what you see in Edward.

But I'm prepared to give you all of me.

Let me show you what I mean.

Oh!

Can you just not do that?

Sorry.

Truthfully,

I got kicked out of my place.

Can I stay with you for a while?

I can't let you stay here.

No, not here.

Inside your cavernous vagina.

Oh, no!

Oh, yeah!

Dude, dude, dude!

What are you doing?

I'm so sorry, dude.

I know I'm not supposed to be here, but I can't help myself.

I just can't stop thinking about her constantly.

Day and night.

She's like my own little personal heroine.

I just want her to touch it.

Touch it.

T-Stock!

I'll hump you later, okay?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I left my mic on.

It's so pretty here.

You know, Alice was throwing this huge graduation party, which, of course, you're invited to.

She's got some really cool stuff planned.

She's having, I guess, something about Lindsay Lohan coming?

Some ping-pong balls and a mule?

Yeah, I figured as much.

What?

I wanted to do this differently.

Smoother, but...

But now I'm out of time.

Time for what?

You need to know the truth, Bella.

You have to understand all your options.

And right now, you have to understand that I'm twelve and three-quarter inches.

Holy shit!

Is that wrapped around your leg?

Yeah, three times!

This new cream that I got is so incredible.

It's gotten so big and girthy now.

Hmm.

Bella, I want you to choose me over him.

I thought you understood, Jake.

I just don't feel that way about you.

Listen, I know you feel something for me.

You just won't admit it.

Now, you won't have to change for anybody or say goodbye to anyone.

I can give you more than he can.

Really?

Watch it, a-hole.

Hey, sorry, but I'm just wondering how you guys are doing.

We're doing fine. Do you want to leave us alone here?

Hey, come on, sir. Are you guys a couple or what?

No!

I'm trying to work on that. God damn it.

Come on, Jacob. You guys look great together.

Tell us what's going on.

Someone just said they spotted the two of you canoodling at Boa's the other night.

Hey, give us the goods.

So, Jake, you all right getting Eddie's cheese?

Really? Huh? You want to talk about cheese?

How about that?

Oh, my God. This house is amazing. I just took the biggest dump upstairs.

Someone told me something about an all-you-can-eat buffet catered by Red Lobster.

Congrats, Bella. I made you a little something.

That is so sweet. Thanks, Jacob.

You're welcome.

Oh, sorry. I mean, I have a six-pack.

So it is true.

What did you see?

The decision's been made.

What does that mean?

I'm not going to Seattle.

They're coming here.

Sorry, imprint.

They'll be here in four days, but not before stopping off at IHOP for all-you-can-eat pancakes.

How do you know all this?

I follow her tweets.

Just had the most amazing dinner at the brewery. Can't wait for IHOP all-you-can-eat before killing Bella.

This could turn into a bloodbath. Who was behind it?

I didn't see anyone I recognized. Maybe one.

I didn't know his face. Ronald Steers. He just friended me on Facebook.

Look, bottom line is, there's an army coming here. And there's not enough of us to stop them.

Wait, what damn army?

Come on, dude. Noobs, okay? Our kind. They're coming straight for Bella.

They got her scratch-and-sniff vagina scent from this Ebony Thunder magazine.

So what does that mean?

It's like a really good magazine. Ten issues for $9.95.

It means there'll be an ugly fight with lives lost.

But we'll probably get to wear some really cool outfits.

All right. We're in.

No. You'll get yourselves killed. No way.

I wasn't asking permission.

Edward!

It means more protection for you.

We'll all need some training. Fighting noobs requires knowledge that Jasper has.

Uh, yes. Yes.

You're welcome to join us.

All right. I like to do things. Name the time and the place.

Why is this all happening?

Because of me?

I'm the center of it all!

God, I'm the best!

Woo!

Me! Me! Me!

We had to prepare for what was coming.

Which meant another HPV inoculation.

And a 30-day supply of tux.

Class today. That was pretty splendid.

Thank you. I studied.

What is that?

Oh, it's just a graduation present from Jake.

Don't worry, I can't eat white cake. It gives me really bad gas.

I mean, like, literally the minute I eat it, I just start ripping.

And it smells... really bad.

Kind of like a coyote carcass that's been left on the side of the road for nine months with a side of melted gruyere cheese.

Or, um, kind of like an underground Turkish sewer system after a gay pride parade in the month of July.

Or like I just ate a llama's dump after...

Okay, I get it.

Stinks.

Sorry we're late, guys.

Jacob got his dick stuck in the pool heater again.

Took us a while to get it out.

Boy, you shot really good.

Damn good.

It was fun.

Anyways, welcome.

Jasper has experience with noobs.

Hell yeah.

He'll teach us how to defeat them.

Well, how are you vampires different from those noobs?

They want to know how we differ from the noobs.

They're a lot more powerful than we are.

Not only do they have human tissue in their blood, they all juice up.

Like on steroids?

No, like Minute Maid, moron.

Carlisle, can we please just kill her so we can live the rest of our lives in peace? Please.

Unfortunately, for our kind, the first few months of this life are most powerful.

Let me show you some of their recent activities.

It's worth seeing, guys.

Sorry.

Is that a B or a P?

It's a P.

I think B.

That was a P.

Sorry.

Anyway, Jasper's gonna teach us how to fight these monsters. Jasper.

Thank you, Carlisle.

Ladies and gentlemen, the two most important things about taking down noobs are as follows.

Number one, do not let them come at you from behind. Keep your assholes tight.

They will get in, they will slip in, like my Uncle Chris slipped in.

Number two, do not let them fondle your nuts. They love nuts.

It's one of their top three favorite foods that are also body parts.

They love them. I've seen it. Okay?

Rosalie.

Don't hold back.

Never.

Don't be blonde. That was rule number zero. I just didn't say it. Alice!

I love you. So much.

Jasper.

Lick. Dog ass!

Who's next? Who's next?

Just go. Just run.

Mighty Joe Young ain't got nothing on me!

Whoever said silk tastes like regular milk is completely wrong.

I'm completely full of shit. Screw this diet.

So what's the plan here, pale face?

Well, this field will be an advantage in battle. We need to lure the noobs here with Bella's scent. This will end here.

Edward and I are going to a campsite on Saturday. Even if he carries me, that's still picking up my scent.

Your scent, however, is revolting.

What's that supposed to mean?

Oh, that's a good one.

Sharp.

Maybe just a test sample.

Okay, what Edward means is that if you carry me, your scent will mask mine.

Let's do a test run for Saturday.

All right. Let's do this. Three, two, five. One, two, one.

Okay, sorry, sorry.

We'll get there. We'll get there.

Even though it was Edward's idea, he really wasn't a fan of me spending time with Jacob.

I just wish he'd finally understand that my feelings for him are way stronger than my feelings for Jacob.

Well, except when Jacob sweats between his breaths. I enjoy that. They're fun. I call them my fun bags.

Hey, you want a sandwich?

No, I'm good.

Dad, I was wondering.

Why didn't you ever get married after Mom?

Well, uh, actually I almost did, sweetheart.

Yeah. Yeah, his name was Frank, and he had the hottest eight-pack I'd ever seen in my life.

He loved tennis as much as I did, and on the weekends we'd go to Palm Springs, get one of those rooms with two queens for $69.69.

We'd go antiquing, take the Sky Tram, ass hump.

Oh, gross, Dad. Why don't you just tell me some more about the Sky Tram?

Of course. Sky Tram is when I get nude and stand on the bed, and he lies on the floor and jerks off.

And if he shoots a load up in the air and I catch it in my mouth, we both yell out, Sky Tram!

Wow, that's really gross. Um, I should have just asked you about antiquing.

Oh? Well, that's when you Sky Tram with an 85-year-old man.

Okay, Dad, can I just ask you something, please?

Anything.

Do you believe in marriage?

Of course. Why? Is there something you want to tell me? Were you not careful, Bella?

What?

Look, there are things you need to know before you become physically intimate.

Okay, Dad, Mom already had this talk with me, so...

Look, sweetheart, this isn't a game. You need to know what sex is all about.

Now, a man has a penis and a woman has a vagina.

Some women have very big vaginas.

Dad!

Too technical? Okay.

Now, once insertion is achieved, the man and woman begin humping each other.

Could you guys demonstrate, please?

No, Dad! Edward is not interested in sex.

Get out of here.

No, he's not. I'm serious.

No, I mean it. Get out of here. You're wasting my time, Ben. I got business to do.

Go.

I'm sorry. My daughter has a huge vagina.

Hey, anybody up for a little antiquing?

You guys... have you heard of sky tramming?

I can't believe we have the whole house to ourselves for the night.

Pretty cool.

There's a bed.

I thought you might need one to sleep in.

Okay, I want to ask you something.

Anything.

Marriage is the condition for you to change me, yourself, right?

Yes.

Okay. I want to negotiate my own condition.

Anything you want. It's yours.

You promise?

Yes.

Put this on.

What?

Please.

Why?

Thought it might be fun.

For you, anything.

Okay.

This too.

How's this?

Oh, it's perfect.

Okay, now call me your bitch.

What? I can't.

Oh, okay. How about hoe? Can you say hoe?

No. That's not how I was raised.

My motherfucking bitch!

You're my fucking hoe!

Oh, yes. Okay, now talk about my milky white ass.

I love your milky white ass.

Yes, that is so good.

Give me your chocolate pole, LeBron.

Okay, okay, stop. I can't do this.

It's just a little role play.

I'm out. I'm out.

Okay, I'm sorry.

Let's just be us.

You and me.

You're the hottest thing around here, anyway.

Okay, whoa, okay, what are you doing?

Oh, just go with it, Edward. I'm gonna make you feel so good.

Whoa, okay, I can't let you do that.

Bella, I'm not ready.

Aren't you attracted to me, Edward?

We can work through this.

I can get liposuction, or I can get breast implants to shave my roast beef.

I mean, whatever you want.

No, Bella, I'm attracted to you, Bella.

It's just, I...

Do you have the most enhanced breasts in the world?

Does that help?

No.

Please direct your attention to stage seven,

and let's give a big body shop welcome to Bella.

Try stuffing this into your firepatch.

Thanks, mister.

Really?

Here.

Not to be nailing me right now.

Nailing me fucking hard!

You know what? Screw yourself!

Thanks a lot, fucksnort.

I lost my wood.

It'll be a last-minute decision.

I told you how it works.

They call themselves...

Don't underestimate them, Ronald.

You'll have the numbers,

but they'll be able to anticipate your every move.

Cody?

My dead friend.

He found out about the things they could do,

so they killed him.

But not before he told me about it.

Hey, looks like you two have become quite the couple.

What?

No, seriously, you guys are like a vampire version of Bonnie and Clyde.

Do you mind?

I mean, no, I get it, you want your privacy.

But tell me, is a sex better as a vampire or as a human?

Oh, come on, Ronnie, don't be shy, man.

Come on, what's the deal? Is she not giving it up?

No comment.

Oh, shit, she's not giving it up, is she?

You're a vampire virgin.

Oh, little Ronnie's a vampire virgin.

Stop it!

We mess around, okay? Look, we... we do everything, but...

We just tried to help like half an hour ago, seriously.

Whoa, dry-humping, wow, that's some real Jonas Brothers shit, right?

Get off me!

Why don't you just give each other promise rings and jerk each other off?

I didn't even do anything.

You weren't, did I?

Don't you think you're going a little overboard?

If this is all that I have to contribute, I want to be thorough.

Thorough about what?

Hey, Jacob, Alice says there's a storm coming through tonight.

Yeah, yeah, I can feel it. I definitely have maximum shrinkage going on.

Oh, this needs ketchup.

Chipotle.

Let me get a couple of gloves.

Ready to go, milady?

Yeah, yeah.

All right, you know what to do.

Got it.

And now, oh my God, did you gain weight?

Did you lose muscle?

I'm protecting you, ready?

That's one.

Yeah, they're not going to follow me after that.

Oh, Jesus, is that really necessary?

You want to be safe, don't you?

Um, Ronald, I'm not too strong of a swimmer.

Neither am I.

I was taking lessons at the Y and my teacher got gonorrhea.

She had to move back to Kansas.

I don't know how to swim.

And I have a vagina.

Enough!

We will figure it out.

Such babies.

I'm so sorry.

Oh, my God.

No worries.

I don't really want to hurry up there, sweet tits.

Those vampires are hot on your ass.

Oh, we're almost there. Awesome.

All right.

Thank you.

No problem.

We ran into a small stumbling block a few miles down, but we made it through.

We should probably head back before the storm hits.

Nah.

I'm good.

I think I'm going to camp out here tonight.

Besides, I have a dove bar.

Why are you staying here?

Because I like to watch.

Let's get inside the tent.

I'm sorry, sweetie.

I wish there was something I could do.

It's okay.

I'm fine.

Guys.

We've got a problem.

Did anybody bring hot sauce?

Because this burrito is dry.

Whoa, Bella, are you all right?

We're all right, Jacob. Just leave us alone.

She doesn't look fine.

Leave us alone, man.

Hey, this isn't about you and me, Edward.

This is about Bella.

Come to terms with it, man.

I'm just hotter than you.

You serious?

Keep it clean.

Yeah, you got it.

Keep it clean.

Oh, yeah. Really, really clean.

Here.

I gotta say, Jacob.

I mean, if the situation wasn't what it is...

I think we'd probably be friends.

I know it's weird, but...

I...

I think you're a good guy.

Good...

Good guy. Nice guy.

I mean, I think...

Your intentions seem to be in the right place.

It's...

Damn it, man. I mean...

Is it our fault that our ancestors have been feuding for centuries?

Kyle, drive me.

I like you, Jacob.

I need energy.

I'd like to start over with you.

Watch a movie.

Grab a coffee.

Go trip to Vegas.

It's crazy.

Vampire roof boy hanging out.

Right now. Right now. Right now.

But think about it.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

We could change things for our kind.

For future generations.

I mean, hey, man. We could make a difference.

What do you say?

Wanna go to Palm Springs?

Did you have a good night's sleep?

Yeah, it was good.

I gotta say, Jacob's not half bad.

I mean, he's a real, genuine, trustworthy gentleman.

It's hard to find that in someone these days.

I told you.

We...

We called you guys, like, a million times.

We posted, like, a gazillion messages on your wall.

We texted nude pictures to Jasper, like, every day.

I did not put that picture as my desktop profile picture. I did not.

Listen, ladies. We're a little busy right now.

Of course. Blow us off again, Carlisle. We're used to it.

You seem to have plenty of time for us during the last exam of our vaginas.

Okay, girls. Honestly.

We're about to go into battle here.

Look, cut the bullshit.

Are you adopting us or not?

Unfortunately, no.

Oh, fuck you, Cullen family. Fuck you hard.

You want to go now?

Did anyone notice they kind of looked a little similar?

I thought you knew where we were going.

Recalculating route.

Damn GPS!

The news will be forced to enter from the east side.

We'll wait until they get halfway across the battlefield, and then we'll strike.

But only on my command. You got it?

On my command.

You have reached your destination.

It's starting.

He says it's starting.

They're planking.

And now they're owling.

It's really gay.

Oh my God, they're owling.

That is so gay.

Jacob just arrived.

He's marking his territory.

We're still going. We're still going.

Anybody still going?

Someone's hurt.

She's close. I can hear her thoughts.

Something about needing a Brazilian wax.

Because she's getting major chafage when she runs.

Seth, go!

She's not alone.

Ronald, listen to me.

Victoria is just using you to distract me.

She knows I'll kill you.

In fact, she'll be happy to not have to deal with you anymore.

Don't listen to him, Ronald.

I told you about his mind tricks.

Keep watching, keep watching.

Oh, which one could it be? Whoa, whoa, here we go, here we go.

Oh, my goodness.

You're fucking dead!

You won't get another chance like this again!

You want me to feel the pain you felt when I killed James?

When I tore him to pieces?

When I turned him to ash?

When I smoked him out of a bong and gave everyone a contact hiding in the Rica Iglesias concert?

You want one?

Oh, Jesus Christ, it's bad. That's really, oh, my God, that's really bad.

Oh, so bad it smells like coyote carcass mixed with gruyere that's been left on the side of the highway for nine months.

So bad, oh, it smells like a Turkish sewer system after a gay pride parade in the month of July.

Oh, oh, so bad it smells like you ate a llama's dump after a gay pride parade.

Okay, yeah, I know. I know. It smells bad.

Hey, there they are. Love the llama's dump line.

That was really good.

Impressive. I've never seen a small group like yours if you large army like theirs.

We were lucky.

I doubt that. Luck is when you have a six showing and the dealer shows the king and you hit and pull up four in a week.

Or when you bet exact two bucks on two 50-2-1 horses and they come and win and play.

Or if you take Gremlin over Southern, be at the late ten and cover on the last second Hail Mary.

We're gonna have to off all of you.

Excuse me?

It'll be quick, you won't know when he wrote it.

I'd like to commend you all on a job well done.

And hope to see you at Edward and Bella's wedding next month. Mazel!

Wait, Mary, you two are getting married?

Jacob, you knew this day was coming.

By my bronzed body.

Or I'll take my life.

Jacob, put the knife down. This does not qualify as an emergency situation.

Call it off.

Just put the knife down and we'll talk, okay?

Hey, what's up, Jacob? How are you feeling about the conflict in the Middle East?

Are you kidding me? Get the hell out of here, you asshole.

Dude, dude, I'm sorry.

My abs! My glorious abs!

To Edward and Bella.

You have something.

Huh?

You have something right here.

What?

You've got a goddamn booger hanging from your nose and it's fucking gross.

No measure of time with you would be long enough.

But we'll start with...

It's impossible, you're pregnant?

No, you idiot.

Oh, Christ!

You're a bad case of the shit.

God, I knew I shouldn't have taken those stupid shrimp tacos from that Guadalajara street vendor last night.

You're definitely pregnant, Bella.

There's only one slight inconsistency.

The results of the blood test reveal that the baby's DNA doesn't exactly match that of Edward's.

That's impossible.

Not according to science.

Well then, whose is it?

Daddy's home, bitches!

Hey everyone, David here, and I'm about to watch the new trailer for the Twilight Saga Eclipse movie.

We're about to watch it, people!

The following preview has been approved for appropriate audiences.

I'm so nervous.

Excuse me if I start screaming.

Oh, God.

No.

New Eclipse clip! New Eclipse clip! New Eclipse clip! New Eclipse clip! New Eclipse clip! New Eclipse clip! New Eclipse clip!

I'm gonna watch it, because I need to watch it, and I've been waiting to all... well, not all day, but most of today to watch it.

And I really can't wait anymore, because apparently it's got the Volturi in it, and I love the Volturi.

Oh, my God. Eclipse clip!

Oh, my God.

I'm looking right now at the page, and I can watch the trailer now, and I'm so nervous.

Oh, my God.

I can't wait.

Oh, my God!

I love the part where... the Twilight trailer. I love the whole part. The whole thing. I love the whole thing.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Why have they not leaked more? Okay? Do they not know that Twilight fans need more?

We need more. More, please. Hi. More, please.

Oh, I love this already!

I'm crying, because it was so good. I've got no voice, because it's the last day.

I'm gonna go book a ticket for tomorrow morning, because I need to see it again.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I've just seen it for the fifth time. I saw it four times yesterday, and I've just gotten home after seeing it for the fifth time, and I am totally exhausted, and I'm just never gonna get sick of this film, ever.

It's just not gonna happen. No, it's not gonna happen. No, it's not.

I fucking love this film. I fucking love this film. I fucking loved every single minute of it, and I didn't get kicked out, which is actually quite a surprise to me, because that's normally what would happen, to be totally honest with you.

Oh, my God. I have to go and see it again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again. I don't even have any other words, and I'm tired, and I'm still hyper, and I've never really done that before.

And I'm eating Jaffa Cakes for no apparent reason. No reason. No. No reason. Bye.

Oh, no. Oh, God, no. No. Son of a bitch! Son of a bitch! Oh, God, why? God!

Oh, yeah. No.

How much you mean to me.

Made you a little something. Made you a little something. Made you a little something. Oh, my God.

I like to watch. I like to watch.

Your vagina feels so good. I can do this all night. Caliente. Muy mucho. I don't know Spanish.

Excuse me.

Oh, he shorted himself.

It'll be fun. We'll have a chalupa truck, a petting zoo, and we'll drink some blood. Is that Japan? Is that Japan there?

They will take your ass. They will take your property like they're playing Risk. Oh, sorry.

Who's next, pussies? I killed my wife.

Shut up. Just shut that lying face. We need to rework our voting system. I feel like it was flawed.

He's nailing her good. She's taking it like your mom used to. I'm proud of you, Mom.

Cut. I'm good with one. I'm a giver.

Taiwanese means two hookers anyway. Two hookers, two hookers.

What the fuck? What the fuck? What the fuck?

I wish all vampires had such control. You know what I mean? You know what I mean? You know what I mean?

I do.

Yeah, it'll be fun. We'll have a chalupa truck, a petting zoo, and...

Whatever. We can just call it on the fly.

Alex, don't be angry because you're too tight to do anal.

A knife in my chest. This hurts.

Let me hold that bag for you.

Are you okay?

I quit!

You too? Yep, finally made the pack.

Feels really good, huh? Oh, yeah.

I shouldn't just say it at a time that it'd make me cry.

Make me cry.

Don't judge this what I'm doing.

It'd make me cry.

Make me cry.