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1
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Who's there?
2
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What the fuck?
3
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Some say the earth will end in fire, others in ice.
4
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From what I've tasted of desire, I hold that those who favor fire.
5
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Some women prefer white men to men.
6
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Others prefer Asian.
7
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I, however, prefer the underage, dark-skinned boys...
8
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who play basketball and listen to Chris Brown.
9
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Excuse me?
10
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I didn't say anything.
11
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Marry me.
12
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Change me.
13
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Marry me.
14
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No, seriously, change me.
15
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I think I just soiled my pants.
16
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Do you want the bears or the bunnies?
17
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Bunnies are good.
18
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Grandma?
19
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Wow, what are you doing here?
20
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Grandma, I want you to meet my boyfriend, Edward.
21
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Hello.
22
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Hi.
23
00:02:57,380 --> 00:02:57,820
Hello.
24
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Yes.
25
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Hello, Grandma.
26
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No teeth.
27
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Oh, God.
28
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Oh, yeah.
29
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Oh, yeah.
30
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No.
31
00:03:35,760 --> 00:03:38,060
Looks like somebody got in a little late last night.
32
00:03:38,440 --> 00:03:40,500
Actually, I got in at exactly 8 o'clock.
33
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So what, Edward's trying to brown-nose me now?
34
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What?
35
00:03:43,520 --> 00:03:44,760
Got a surprise for you, sweetheart.
36
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Look who's going to be staying with us for a few weeks.
37
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Grandma?
38
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Yeah. Yeah, Grandma thought she'd come out and see you graduate.
39
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Wait.
40
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Oh, no.
41
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Oh, hey, Belle.
42
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Who's a vampire?
43
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Huh?
44
00:04:02,260 --> 00:04:02,660
Yeah.
45
00:04:10,210 --> 00:04:10,610
Hey.
46
00:04:10,950 --> 00:04:12,010
Good morning, sweetheart.
47
00:04:13,050 --> 00:04:15,610
Oh, looks like somebody got in a little late last night.
48
00:04:15,610 --> 00:04:17,850
Actually, Dad, I got in exactly at 8 o'clock.
49
00:04:18,150 --> 00:04:19,650
So what, Edward's trying to brown-nose me now?
50
00:04:20,310 --> 00:04:22,010
You know what, Dad, let's just move on.
51
00:04:24,270 --> 00:04:26,730
Look, you know why I grounded you, right?
52
00:04:26,730 --> 00:04:29,770
Because I suggested the features that make Facebook as lame as MySpace?
53
00:04:30,170 --> 00:04:30,490
What?
54
00:04:30,950 --> 00:04:32,490
Because I've been asleep for three movies?
55
00:04:32,890 --> 00:04:33,230
What?
56
00:04:33,690 --> 00:04:37,310
Oh, is it because I accidentally trapped those 33 Chileans in a mine for over a month?
57
00:04:37,430 --> 00:04:39,870
No, no, it's because I wanted separation between you and Edward.
58
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Dad, there's nothing you can say. Edward's in my life.
59
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Hello!
60
00:04:45,530 --> 00:04:46,370
Yeah, I gathered that.
61
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All right, look, I'll make you a deal.
62
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You're not grounded anymore, if...
63
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you use some of your newfound freedom to spend some time with your other friends, too.
64
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Like Jacob.
65
00:05:02,750 --> 00:05:04,830
Honey, he's going through a real rough time now.
66
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His dad's worried about him.
67
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I remember when that was you.
68
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You needed a friend. Jake was there.
69
00:05:14,410 --> 00:05:17,810
Not to mention that they're turning that Indian reservation into a casino.
70
00:05:18,050 --> 00:05:20,710
Honey, you could marry into a ton of cash.
71
00:05:20,990 --> 00:05:23,690
Then you could finally buy your old man three Taiwanese hookers.
72
00:05:24,030 --> 00:05:24,350
What?
73
00:05:24,870 --> 00:05:25,870
Two Taiwanese hookers.
74
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I'm good with one. Not selfish.
75
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Jacob hadn't talked to me in weeks.
76
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I wanted to fix it, but...
77
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he just wouldn't give me a chance.
78
00:06:56,440 --> 00:07:01,540
No, I'm going to the cheese store.
79
00:07:02,460 --> 00:07:06,360
They have this new Cameron bear that's supposed to be...
80
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That's some sexy cheese.
81
00:07:14,650 --> 00:07:17,110
Edward's been having a tough time trusting me as of late.
82
00:07:17,690 --> 00:07:19,370
And I wasn't exactly sure why.
83
00:07:20,530 --> 00:07:23,330
Maybe it was because he saw me take a 20 out of his wallet.
84
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Or maybe it was because he caught me giving oral at the dancing bear party.
85
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I don't know, I just don't get it.
86
00:07:41,470 --> 00:07:41,770
Mind?
87
00:07:46,070 --> 00:07:49,210
So, we spotted Bella and Edward together again.
88
00:07:49,470 --> 00:07:52,630
And according to them, they swear they're not an item.
89
00:07:53,570 --> 00:07:56,370
Whatevs, he's so dropping his nuts in her mouth.
90
00:07:57,930 --> 00:08:00,390
As opposed to dropping them on her chest.
91
00:08:03,530 --> 00:08:05,810
Or wouldn't that make them chestnuts?
92
00:08:12,330 --> 00:08:15,050
Sorry, Harry. Blond dude's nuts joke was better.
93
00:08:15,570 --> 00:08:18,290
Hey, so what's the deal, guys? You together or what?
94
00:08:18,770 --> 00:08:22,030
Oh, come on. You got diehard fans. They want to know what's going on.
95
00:08:22,670 --> 00:08:25,090
Bella, is Edward well hung or does he have a tiny penis?
96
00:08:25,410 --> 00:08:26,970
That is wildly inappropriate.
97
00:08:27,950 --> 00:08:30,110
What about Bella, Edward? Does she have a large vagina?
98
00:08:30,390 --> 00:08:31,930
Whoa, that too is incredibly inappropriate.
99
00:08:33,670 --> 00:08:44,660
We got 25% off for all new members. There you go, sweetheart.
100
00:08:44,660 --> 00:08:51,990
We got buttons, we got socks, T-shirts, sneakers, we got whatever you want.
101
00:08:52,090 --> 00:08:52,990
All right, here we go.
102
00:08:55,010 --> 00:08:56,650
I've decided to throw a party.
103
00:08:57,050 --> 00:08:59,570
After all, how many times do we get to graduate high school?
104
00:09:00,150 --> 00:09:01,270
Another party, Alice?
105
00:09:01,450 --> 00:09:06,050
It'll be fun. We'll have a chalupa truck, a petting zoo, and we'll drink some blood.
106
00:09:06,310 --> 00:09:06,570
What?
107
00:09:18,080 --> 00:09:20,400
There's no one there. Look again.
108
00:09:27,640 --> 00:09:29,160
Aw, who are they?
109
00:09:30,680 --> 00:09:35,320
The little colons. They're little versions of us.
110
00:09:35,860 --> 00:09:40,500
They swoop into towns after we've left them behind and pick up all the emotionally wounded scraps.
111
00:09:47,580 --> 00:09:50,900
Don't look now, Bella. Little Edward is totally eyeing you.
112
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Little Edward.
113
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Edward.
114
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We have a pact, you little putz. You're not supposed to be within 100 miles of me.
115
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I'm well aware of that, but I don't give a crap. I'm hot for Bella.
116
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She's one hot piece of ass. See?
117
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You're just jealous because Bella wants me.
118
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Little Jasper.
119
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Jasper.
120
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You never answered any of my calls.
121
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I missed you.
122
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I missed you stalking me.
123
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I missed your scent.
124
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I missed your forehead.
125
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I missed everything.
126
00:10:57,400 --> 00:11:01,000
Edward seemed a little uneasy about the arrival of the little colons.
127
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From what I was told, they always seemed to put him in a weird place.
128
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He just wasn't acting like himself.
129
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It was making me nervous.
130
00:11:11,280 --> 00:11:15,680
But nothing outweighed the disdain he had for Jacob.
131
00:11:31,620 --> 00:11:32,720
Don't let him touch you.
132
00:11:35,320 --> 00:11:37,540
I measured it off at six and three-quarter inches this morning.
133
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What?
134
00:11:38,840 --> 00:11:39,080
Huh?
135
00:11:40,380 --> 00:11:41,220
Where have you been?
136
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Hanging out at home.
137
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While you were hanging out at home, the guy spotted your ginger.
138
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Victoria.
139
00:11:49,680 --> 00:11:50,360
Alice's vision.
140
00:11:50,940 --> 00:11:51,980
I was trying to protect you.
141
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By lying to me?
142
00:11:53,480 --> 00:11:55,040
See, that's what you get with these vampires.
143
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With me, you get so much more.
144
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You get honesty and eight and three-quarter inches.
145
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I thought you said you were six and three-quarter inches.
146
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I lied.
147
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I need to talk to him.
148
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I don't trust him.
149
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Don't worry, he's a great driver.
150
00:12:21,650 --> 00:12:22,550
There's the bin, Jake.
151
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I'm just going for a ride.
152
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Damn right we are.
153
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Watch your leg.
154
00:12:28,330 --> 00:12:29,190
Oh, hold on.
155
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I got my pant leg caught.
156
00:12:30,570 --> 00:12:31,030
Oh, there we go.
157
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You ready now?
158
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Yeah, yeah.
159
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All right, here we go.
160
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Ow!
161
00:12:36,170 --> 00:12:37,190
Yeah, hop off, hop off.
162
00:12:40,300 --> 00:12:41,580
Hey, can you help?
163
00:12:41,880 --> 00:12:42,240
Why?
164
00:12:44,480 --> 00:12:45,200
Ah, rats.
165
00:12:47,100 --> 00:12:50,280
I got the corn dog, so you're good with this, right?
166
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I knew it.
167
00:12:52,540 --> 00:12:53,180
How was school today?
168
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It hasn't started yet.
169
00:12:57,120 --> 00:12:58,960
Oh, mother of pearl, this is heavy.
170
00:13:00,920 --> 00:13:02,200
The pipe made of bricks?
171
00:13:02,760 --> 00:13:04,260
There's a fire under us, let's move!
172
00:13:04,440 --> 00:13:04,880
Okay.
173
00:13:06,680 --> 00:13:09,180
That first mile, there were a lot of snakes.
174
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Like, I mean, an ungodly amount of snakes.
175
00:13:11,960 --> 00:13:12,900
I can't believe that.
176
00:13:13,280 --> 00:13:14,440
Just leave that there if you want.
177
00:13:15,160 --> 00:13:16,560
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
178
00:13:17,240 --> 00:13:18,100
Are you all right?
179
00:13:20,640 --> 00:13:22,260
It's okay, she didn't mean it.
180
00:13:25,160 --> 00:13:26,260
We'll be back to take care of you later.
181
00:13:31,250 --> 00:13:33,310
Hey, are you sure it's cool that I'm here?
182
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I mean, I'm not a werewolf.
183
00:13:35,170 --> 00:13:36,310
You worry too much.
184
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Of course.
185
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Ah, look who's back.
186
00:13:41,610 --> 00:13:42,270
What up, Belle?
187
00:13:42,430 --> 00:13:42,990
Quo, you too?
188
00:13:43,110 --> 00:13:44,030
Yep, finally made the pack.
189
00:13:49,880 --> 00:13:50,520
Nothing's... good.
190
00:13:51,460 --> 00:13:52,180
Glad you're here, Bella.
191
00:13:52,600 --> 00:13:55,500
Now we can finally get a break from Jacob constantly humping the pool heater.
192
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Not to mention the mattress.
193
00:13:56,720 --> 00:13:58,000
Don't forget the fresh cantaloupe.
194
00:13:58,100 --> 00:13:58,520
Oh, yeah.
195
00:13:59,140 --> 00:14:00,160
It's his way of imprinting.
196
00:14:01,140 --> 00:14:01,580
What?
197
00:14:02,600 --> 00:14:04,220
It just feels really good, okay?
198
00:14:05,440 --> 00:14:06,840
Yeah, it does, right?
199
00:14:18,440 --> 00:14:21,760
So, what's this whole, uh, imprinting thing?
200
00:14:22,680 --> 00:14:23,120
Imprinting?
201
00:14:25,680 --> 00:14:26,120
Ah...
202
00:14:28,960 --> 00:14:32,220
Imprinting is when you see... her.
203
00:14:34,040 --> 00:14:36,780
And... just everything changes.
204
00:14:37,280 --> 00:14:40,060
It's no longer gravity that's keeping you on the planet.
205
00:14:40,700 --> 00:14:43,460
It's simply... her.
206
00:14:45,100 --> 00:14:47,060
And nothing else matters.
207
00:14:49,580 --> 00:14:51,280
Sounds like you know the feeling.
208
00:14:53,530 --> 00:14:57,040
Have you ever, um, imprinted on anyone?
209
00:14:58,220 --> 00:15:01,140
I imprinted on my face first thing this morning.
210
00:15:02,660 --> 00:15:04,540
Now look at this little guy we got here.
211
00:15:05,880 --> 00:15:08,100
Jacob, Edward's going to change me after graduation.
212
00:15:10,580 --> 00:15:10,940
What?
213
00:15:12,420 --> 00:15:13,500
You knew this was coming.
214
00:15:14,020 --> 00:15:19,300
Not in a month, or before you even lived, or I had a chance to even imprint all over the great abs you've got there.
215
00:15:19,760 --> 00:15:24,180
Oh, my God! Would you look at the ass of that sweet bitch? I would tear that shit up in two seconds.
216
00:15:25,620 --> 00:15:31,960
Jacob, I know that this hurts right now, but in time, you'll forget about me.
217
00:15:32,980 --> 00:15:33,600
Jacob.
218
00:15:34,720 --> 00:15:35,060
Jacob!
219
00:15:35,080 --> 00:15:35,720
I've got a six-pack.
220
00:15:37,840 --> 00:15:41,780
I was just saying, in time, you'll forget about me.
221
00:15:45,200 --> 00:15:45,820
Bella...
222
00:15:46,960 --> 00:15:51,860
You really have no idea how much you mean to me.
223
00:15:56,100 --> 00:15:56,700
Ah!
224
00:16:00,420 --> 00:16:01,440
Don't touch me.
225
00:16:03,480 --> 00:16:05,460
I just imprinted in my pants.
226
00:17:58,550 --> 00:18:02,810
You know, uh, Edward could at least respect meal times.
227
00:18:03,050 --> 00:18:03,750
I was with Jake.
228
00:18:04,430 --> 00:18:04,690
Oh.
229
00:18:05,430 --> 00:18:08,010
Dad, the word is on your face.
230
00:18:08,010 --> 00:18:08,630
What?
231
00:18:12,950 --> 00:18:18,450
Do you understand how worried I've been?
232
00:18:19,010 --> 00:18:20,270
I was perfectly safe.
233
00:18:20,670 --> 00:18:23,190
I almost broke the tree and had to cancel my blow-dry appointment.
234
00:18:27,150 --> 00:18:31,250
Oh, God, sorry. I know, I smell like dog semen.
235
00:18:31,870 --> 00:18:32,270
No.
236
00:18:34,030 --> 00:18:34,870
Something's wrong.
237
00:18:44,660 --> 00:18:46,900
Edward? What's wrong?
238
00:18:47,580 --> 00:18:50,860
Someone's been in here. Any hijackers have any thunder.
239
00:18:59,880 --> 00:19:00,840
Who was it?
240
00:19:01,420 --> 00:19:02,120
Someone we know.
241
00:19:02,460 --> 00:19:06,500
Just a stranger. I didn't recognize his scent, but it was intoxicating.
242
00:19:06,800 --> 00:19:08,200
A nomad just passing through?
243
00:19:08,500 --> 00:19:11,840
A passerby wouldn't have left Bella's dad alive. I wouldn't have.
244
00:19:13,160 --> 00:19:15,940
Zen disappeared about five miles south of Bella's house.
245
00:19:16,820 --> 00:19:17,780
He was very pungent.
246
00:19:18,740 --> 00:19:20,720
I think he had huevos rancheros.
247
00:19:25,930 --> 00:19:27,350
Someone's orchestrating this.
248
00:19:27,510 --> 00:19:29,530
Victoria? I would have seen her decide.
249
00:19:30,530 --> 00:19:31,370
Has to be the Volturi.
250
00:19:31,770 --> 00:19:36,150
I don't think it's the Volturi, either. I've been watching Jane's decisions, too.
251
00:19:37,390 --> 00:19:38,810
So we keep looking.
252
00:19:39,330 --> 00:19:41,290
We'll all take shifts watching Bella at her house.
253
00:19:41,650 --> 00:19:43,950
Another protection detail for this little bitch?
254
00:19:44,110 --> 00:19:44,470
Rosalie.
255
00:19:44,750 --> 00:19:46,910
No, she's... she's totally right.
256
00:19:50,810 --> 00:19:54,450
You guys can't protect me, watch my dad, follow the intruder,
257
00:19:54,850 --> 00:19:56,450
stock up on glitter and keep yourselves fed.
258
00:19:56,550 --> 00:19:58,130
I'm not going to leave you here unprotected.
259
00:19:58,310 --> 00:19:59,590
Well, I won't let you starve.
260
00:20:00,630 --> 00:20:01,950
Besides, I won't be unprotected.
261
00:20:02,810 --> 00:20:03,990
Jacob and the wolves can help.
262
00:20:05,070 --> 00:20:05,470
Abs!
263
00:20:07,030 --> 00:20:07,950
You know what I'm thinking?
264
00:20:10,630 --> 00:20:11,570
Oh, shit.
265
00:20:12,910 --> 00:20:15,210
We missed the first five minutes of Ace of Cakes.
266
00:20:15,630 --> 00:20:16,070
No!
267
00:20:25,440 --> 00:20:27,720
Sometimes I wish I'd never moved to Forks.
268
00:20:28,260 --> 00:20:31,300
I've caused so much drama, I would have been better off staying in Arizona.
269
00:20:32,280 --> 00:20:35,840
But at the same time, I was kind of a loser in Arizona.
270
00:20:36,680 --> 00:20:40,140
I ate lunch by myself, stayed home on Saturday nights,
271
00:20:41,060 --> 00:20:43,860
went to the homecoming dance with Chow Lin, the blonde Korean pool boy.
272
00:20:45,620 --> 00:20:48,080
You know, on second thought, I guess I really should have moved here.
273
00:20:48,200 --> 00:20:50,620
This is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me.
274
00:20:50,900 --> 00:20:52,580
Well, besides dry-humping Chow Lin.
275
00:20:54,140 --> 00:20:56,940
Is somebody eating Junior Mints? I totally smell Junior Mints.
276
00:20:57,180 --> 00:20:58,820
I love Junior Mints.
277
00:20:59,080 --> 00:21:01,140
Sometimes I'll eat like 20 at a time and then throw them up.
278
00:21:01,440 --> 00:21:02,760
I'm bulimic and vegan.
279
00:21:03,120 --> 00:21:05,480
Oh, shit, there's an In-N-Out. Oh, I gotta run.
280
00:21:09,020 --> 00:21:12,560
Well, whoever it was forgot to flush the toilet. That thing was huge.
281
00:21:13,160 --> 00:21:16,440
But we picked up his scent. Won't be hard to miss next time we cross it.
282
00:21:16,900 --> 00:21:18,120
We can handle it from here.
283
00:21:18,420 --> 00:21:20,300
We don't need you to handle anyone or anything.
284
00:21:21,320 --> 00:21:22,320
I'll handle your balls.
285
00:21:22,320 --> 00:21:23,220
All right, we're done here.
286
00:21:23,900 --> 00:21:25,740
No, you're done here.
287
00:21:26,520 --> 00:21:28,320
Or maybe it's just the beginning.
288
00:21:32,860 --> 00:21:33,460
Stop!
289
00:21:34,980 --> 00:21:35,780
Stop it!
290
00:21:37,020 --> 00:21:37,460
Stop!
291
00:21:38,340 --> 00:21:40,120
God, I am so tired of this.
292
00:21:40,900 --> 00:21:42,680
You know what? From now on, I'm Switzerland, okay?
293
00:21:43,540 --> 00:21:45,540
By Switzerland, you mean large vagina?
294
00:21:48,680 --> 00:21:50,180
Edward hated the idea.
295
00:21:50,880 --> 00:21:52,720
But it wasn't about rivalry anymore.
296
00:21:52,720 --> 00:21:55,720
It was about my safety and Charlie's.
297
00:21:56,200 --> 00:21:58,520
And the amazing package the host had at CPK.
298
00:22:00,560 --> 00:22:04,320
In the days that followed, I got them both to at least try to work together.
299
00:22:08,810 --> 00:22:10,670
Damn you, Jacob the werewolf!
300
00:22:12,670 --> 00:22:15,510
It wasn't exactly an easy alliance, but it worked.
301
00:22:16,470 --> 00:22:20,310
While Edward and his family went out to hunt, I'd spend time with Jacob.
302
00:22:20,310 --> 00:22:26,110
Are you sure it's okay that I'm here, seeing as I'm a vampire girl and all?
303
00:22:27,230 --> 00:22:29,210
Do I have perfectly chiseled abs?
304
00:22:30,070 --> 00:22:33,130
Besides, the tribal council has something special planned for you for tonight.
305
00:22:33,290 --> 00:22:34,710
Jake! Jake!
306
00:22:37,650 --> 00:22:41,830
The Quillettes have always been a small tribe from the beginning.
307
00:22:43,470 --> 00:22:46,070
And we have always had the magic in our blood.
308
00:22:47,210 --> 00:22:49,650
We were great spirit warriors.
309
00:22:49,650 --> 00:22:50,650
Shapeshifters.
310
00:22:52,350 --> 00:22:55,810
We transformed into powerful Autobots.
311
00:22:56,970 --> 00:22:58,870
That fought the Decepticons.
312
00:22:59,950 --> 00:23:02,570
While our children turned into Smurfs.
313
00:23:03,610 --> 00:23:06,490
And we formed an alliance with Captain Crunch.
314
00:23:07,710 --> 00:23:09,870
And fought the Hamburglar.
315
00:23:11,510 --> 00:23:12,910
We were unstoppable.
316
00:23:24,710 --> 00:23:27,950
Anyone in the mood for a good salad something?
317
00:23:33,170 --> 00:23:36,650
Our warrior's sharp teeth finally tore it apart.
318
00:23:37,690 --> 00:23:38,990
It tasted like chicken.
319
00:23:39,810 --> 00:23:41,070
We completely killed it.
320
00:23:41,910 --> 00:23:45,650
The blockbuster franchise and the amusement ride.
321
00:23:46,690 --> 00:23:49,190
However, they lived in fear.
322
00:23:49,190 --> 00:23:52,170
That the cold man was not alone.
323
00:23:53,970 --> 00:23:55,550
And they were right.
324
00:23:57,510 --> 00:23:59,010
There was a herd of them.
325
00:23:59,710 --> 00:24:01,330
All of them different characters.
326
00:24:01,870 --> 00:24:03,910
Played the exact same way.
327
00:24:17,980 --> 00:24:19,120
Smells like oak.
328
00:24:19,860 --> 00:24:20,600
The hint of berry.
329
00:24:23,020 --> 00:24:24,360
That's stupid flinching.
330
00:24:25,640 --> 00:24:48,560
They wiped out most of the tribe before they could escape.
331
00:24:50,920 --> 00:24:51,720
Get away!
332
00:25:02,010 --> 00:25:03,090
Mark Epstein.
333
00:25:03,790 --> 00:25:06,170
Was the only spirit warrior.
334
00:25:35,630 --> 00:25:39,610
The second wife was no match for the being with no special powers.
335
00:25:40,350 --> 00:25:44,180
But what courage.
336
00:25:59,910 --> 00:26:13,420
The cold was long enough.
337
00:26:13,420 --> 00:26:16,620
For Chief Epstein to destroy it.
338
00:26:17,460 --> 00:26:18,900
She saved the tribe.
339
00:26:20,060 --> 00:26:21,220
It was a mitzvah.
340
00:26:22,240 --> 00:26:25,180
Over time, our enemies have disappeared.
341
00:26:26,780 --> 00:26:28,640
But one remains.
342
00:26:29,120 --> 00:26:30,400
The cold ones.
343
00:26:31,240 --> 00:26:33,040
Our magic awakens when they're near.
344
00:26:33,960 --> 00:26:35,180
We sense it now.
345
00:26:36,180 --> 00:26:37,660
We feel the threat.
346
00:26:38,580 --> 00:26:41,880
In our blood, our loins, our corn holes.
347
00:26:42,440 --> 00:26:43,400
Deep inside.
348
00:26:43,420 --> 00:26:44,880
Kind of vibrating.
349
00:26:45,560 --> 00:26:46,420
Proving around.
350
00:26:47,220 --> 00:26:48,060
Pure heaven.
351
00:26:52,000 --> 00:26:53,660
Something terrible is coming.
352
00:26:54,640 --> 00:26:55,800
We must be ready.
353
00:26:56,260 --> 00:26:57,820
Ready to break wind if we have to.
354
00:26:58,480 --> 00:26:59,500
To get their attention.
355
00:27:00,160 --> 00:27:01,160
And defeat them.
356
00:27:10,140 --> 00:27:11,240
Excuse me a minute.
357
00:27:18,560 --> 00:27:20,620
Oh, he just sharted himself.
358
00:27:26,880 --> 00:27:29,220
This is a great new art piece, guys.
359
00:27:29,220 --> 00:27:31,620
Oh, thanks, honey. Actually, it's old.
360
00:27:32,080 --> 00:27:35,540
Rosalie found it in the basement this morning, and I just thought it'd be fun to look at.
361
00:27:35,660 --> 00:27:36,800
Nice find, Rosalie.
362
00:27:39,000 --> 00:27:41,980
Yeah, the guy was made after some African tribal leader.
363
00:27:42,440 --> 00:27:43,200
Mom used to date him.
364
00:27:43,820 --> 00:27:46,560
As you can see, he was excessively endowed.
365
00:27:46,820 --> 00:27:48,860
Well, not as big as your father, honey.
366
00:27:49,860 --> 00:27:51,140
Ted was just girthy, Mom.
367
00:27:51,960 --> 00:27:53,160
He's not as long as Nimbat.
368
00:27:55,120 --> 00:27:57,300
You see, Alice and I used to share Nimbat.
369
00:27:58,600 --> 00:28:00,800
Actually, Mom stole him from me.
370
00:28:00,860 --> 00:28:03,040
Now don't be angry because you're too tied to do anal.
371
00:28:03,300 --> 00:28:04,880
Yeah, Alice. Anal's cool.
372
00:28:05,320 --> 00:28:07,180
Wait, shh, shh, shh. I want to hear this.
373
00:28:08,340 --> 00:28:12,640
Seattle is in a state of terror as police are baffled by the escalating murders,
374
00:28:13,340 --> 00:28:16,000
disappearances, and how Brendan Fraser keeps getting work.
375
00:28:17,380 --> 00:28:18,340
Brendan Fraser?
376
00:28:19,060 --> 00:28:20,040
It's getting worse.
377
00:28:21,860 --> 00:28:23,160
We might have to do something.
378
00:28:23,580 --> 00:28:26,280
It takes more than one of our kind to report damages like that.
379
00:28:26,280 --> 00:28:27,520
Quite a few more.
380
00:28:28,000 --> 00:28:32,220
They're undisciplined, conspicuous, and they all sag their pants a little bit.
381
00:28:33,400 --> 00:28:33,920
Newborns.
382
00:28:34,340 --> 00:28:35,980
A.K.A. noobs.
383
00:28:36,260 --> 00:28:38,700
Oh, like a level two orc in Warcraft.
384
00:28:39,640 --> 00:28:42,640
The first few months after the change.
385
00:28:42,940 --> 00:28:44,680
Right, that's when we're at our most uncontrollable.
386
00:28:45,100 --> 00:28:49,700
We're vicious, bloodthirsty, and we have this weird OCD thing where we have to count all the time.
387
00:28:50,040 --> 00:28:52,200
One testy-testy, ha-ha-ha.
388
00:28:52,440 --> 00:28:54,780
Two testy-testy, ha-ha-ha.
389
00:28:56,160 --> 00:28:58,640
Three testy-testy, ha-ha-ha.
390
00:28:59,340 --> 00:29:01,140
Nobody tell anyone I have three testicles.
391
00:29:01,540 --> 00:29:02,720
Something to look forward to.
392
00:29:04,000 --> 00:29:05,920
The counting, not the testicles.
393
00:29:06,260 --> 00:29:06,480
Right.
394
00:29:07,120 --> 00:29:09,920
I'm going to go check the mail out front. Just ordered a new box of Proactiv.
395
00:29:11,960 --> 00:29:15,160
Now these nooblets are untrained, but this isn't random.
396
00:29:15,800 --> 00:29:16,780
Someone's creating an army.
397
00:29:17,080 --> 00:29:17,900
A vampire army?
398
00:29:18,580 --> 00:29:20,400
No, the Salvation Army, bitch.
399
00:29:21,280 --> 00:29:23,900
Jesus Christ, what do you think we've been talking about?
400
00:29:24,780 --> 00:29:26,360
We are an idiot. I fucking hate you.
401
00:29:26,560 --> 00:29:28,400
We're the only clan closest to Seattle.
402
00:29:28,700 --> 00:29:33,520
Regardless of why they were created, if we don't do something about them, the whole Tory will.
403
00:29:34,720 --> 00:29:36,660
I'm surprised they haven't already done something.
404
00:29:38,820 --> 00:29:40,020
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
405
00:29:40,380 --> 00:29:43,180
Jesus Christ. Don't you ever die, bitch!
406
00:29:46,200 --> 00:29:47,580
What the hell are you doing, Rosalie?
407
00:29:47,900 --> 00:29:49,660
I'm sorry, she's just so effing annoying.
408
00:29:50,560 --> 00:29:52,660
Why don't you just talk it out with her, for Christ's sake?
409
00:30:04,820 --> 00:30:05,680
Oh, shit!
410
00:30:07,500 --> 00:30:10,660
Project Runway just started, were you watching on the big screen upstairs?
411
00:30:11,540 --> 00:30:13,920
Come on, Bella, stop being so pretentious!
412
00:30:14,460 --> 00:30:20,280
I don't know how you do it, Carlo.
413
00:30:20,860 --> 00:30:21,380
Do what?
414
00:30:22,120 --> 00:30:23,840
Work around injured patients all day.
415
00:30:24,640 --> 00:30:25,860
How do you not get tempted?
416
00:30:26,960 --> 00:30:28,480
I've been doing this for a long time, Bella.
417
00:30:29,080 --> 00:30:30,520
I've mastered self-control.
418
00:30:31,600 --> 00:30:33,560
I wish all vampires had such control.
419
00:30:36,300 --> 00:30:37,120
Know what I mean?
420
00:30:38,260 --> 00:30:38,880
I do.
421
00:30:40,420 --> 00:30:41,440
Is that Edward outside?
422
00:30:41,760 --> 00:30:42,020
Where?
423
00:30:45,140 --> 00:30:46,900
Oh, my bad.
424
00:30:48,240 --> 00:30:50,240
You might feel a little prick.
425
00:30:51,440 --> 00:30:52,300
What are you doing?
426
00:30:52,520 --> 00:30:54,960
Nothing, it's standard for this kind of injury.
427
00:31:25,280 --> 00:31:25,880
Sorry.
428
00:31:25,880 --> 00:31:26,020
Sorry.
429
00:31:27,160 --> 00:31:31,240
I was falling off the bed, and I grabbed what I could to break my fall.
430
00:31:31,620 --> 00:31:32,420
What are you doing here?
431
00:31:32,600 --> 00:31:33,540
I need to talk to you.
432
00:31:34,320 --> 00:31:35,860
Mind giving little Edward a hand?
433
00:31:44,740 --> 00:31:45,700
Incredibly hot, Bella.
434
00:31:46,560 --> 00:31:48,340
I don't know what you see in Edward.
435
00:31:49,740 --> 00:31:51,680
But I'm prepared to give you all of me.
436
00:31:51,860 --> 00:31:52,900
Let me show you what I mean.
437
00:31:53,480 --> 00:31:53,840
Oh!
438
00:31:54,400 --> 00:31:55,960
Can you just not do that?
439
00:31:56,940 --> 00:31:57,340
Sorry.
440
00:32:00,420 --> 00:32:00,820
Truthfully,
441
00:32:00,820 --> 00:32:03,640
I got kicked out of my place.
442
00:32:03,820 --> 00:32:05,060
Can I stay with you for a while?
443
00:32:05,320 --> 00:32:07,140
I can't let you stay here.
444
00:32:07,360 --> 00:32:08,800
No, not here.
445
00:32:10,400 --> 00:32:12,040
Inside your cavernous vagina.
446
00:32:13,760 --> 00:32:14,720
Oh, no!
447
00:32:15,340 --> 00:32:16,520
Oh, yeah!
448
00:32:17,120 --> 00:32:18,180
Dude, dude, dude!
449
00:32:18,280 --> 00:32:19,180
What are you doing?
450
00:32:20,120 --> 00:32:21,300
I'm so sorry, dude.
451
00:32:21,640 --> 00:32:24,380
I know I'm not supposed to be here, but I can't help myself.
452
00:32:24,820 --> 00:32:28,020
I just can't stop thinking about her constantly.
453
00:32:28,780 --> 00:32:29,880
Day and night.
454
00:32:30,900 --> 00:32:33,220
She's like my own little personal heroine.
455
00:32:34,220 --> 00:32:36,760
I just want her to touch it.
456
00:32:37,320 --> 00:32:38,340
Touch it.
457
00:32:42,900 --> 00:32:44,260
T-Stock!
458
00:32:46,680 --> 00:32:48,300
I'll hump you later, okay?
459
00:32:53,760 --> 00:32:54,580
Oh, yeah.
460
00:32:56,520 --> 00:32:57,480
Oh, yeah.
461
00:32:57,480 --> 00:32:57,600
Yeah.
462
00:33:00,740 --> 00:33:04,560
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I left my mic on.
463
00:33:06,440 --> 00:33:07,760
It's so pretty here.
464
00:33:08,840 --> 00:33:13,300
You know, Alice was throwing this huge graduation party, which, of course, you're invited to.
465
00:33:13,860 --> 00:33:15,280
She's got some really cool stuff planned.
466
00:33:15,620 --> 00:33:18,420
She's having, I guess, something about Lindsay Lohan coming?
467
00:33:18,660 --> 00:33:20,040
Some ping-pong balls and a mule?
468
00:33:21,760 --> 00:33:23,080
Yeah, I figured as much.
469
00:33:27,010 --> 00:33:27,450
What?
470
00:33:29,770 --> 00:33:31,310
I wanted to do this differently.
471
00:33:33,290 --> 00:33:34,250
Smoother, but...
472
00:33:34,250 --> 00:33:35,810
But now I'm out of time.
473
00:33:39,940 --> 00:33:40,780
Time for what?
474
00:33:41,220 --> 00:33:42,740
You need to know the truth, Bella.
475
00:33:43,240 --> 00:33:45,260
You have to understand all your options.
476
00:33:46,060 --> 00:33:50,680
And right now, you have to understand that I'm twelve and three-quarter inches.
477
00:33:51,660 --> 00:33:52,620
Holy shit!
478
00:33:53,400 --> 00:33:55,220
Is that wrapped around your leg?
479
00:33:55,580 --> 00:33:56,880
Yeah, three times!
480
00:33:57,140 --> 00:33:59,080
This new cream that I got is so incredible.
481
00:33:59,180 --> 00:34:00,820
It's gotten so big and girthy now.
482
00:34:01,700 --> 00:34:02,220
Hmm.
483
00:34:03,800 --> 00:34:07,480
Bella, I want you to choose me over him.
484
00:34:07,980 --> 00:34:09,280
I thought you understood, Jake.
485
00:34:09,320 --> 00:34:10,860
I just don't feel that way about you.
486
00:34:11,400 --> 00:34:18,210
Listen, I know you feel something for me.
487
00:34:18,250 --> 00:34:19,270
You just won't admit it.
488
00:34:22,880 --> 00:34:28,600
Now, you won't have to change for anybody or say goodbye to anyone.
489
00:34:30,040 --> 00:34:32,840
I can give you more than he can.
490
00:34:39,820 --> 00:34:40,340
Really?
491
00:34:40,840 --> 00:34:41,600
Watch it, a-hole.
492
00:34:41,940 --> 00:34:43,840
Hey, sorry, but I'm just wondering how you guys are doing.
493
00:34:44,620 --> 00:34:46,480
We're doing fine. Do you want to leave us alone here?
494
00:34:46,960 --> 00:34:48,760
Hey, come on, sir. Are you guys a couple or what?
495
00:34:49,940 --> 00:34:50,300
No!
496
00:34:50,860 --> 00:34:53,000
I'm trying to work on that. God damn it.
497
00:34:53,420 --> 00:34:55,920
Come on, Jacob. You guys look great together.
498
00:34:56,340 --> 00:34:57,300
Tell us what's going on.
499
00:34:57,880 --> 00:35:00,840
Someone just said they spotted the two of you canoodling at Boa's the other night.
500
00:35:01,520 --> 00:35:02,540
Hey, give us the goods.
501
00:35:03,580 --> 00:35:05,040
So, Jake, you all right getting Eddie's cheese?
502
00:35:06,440 --> 00:35:08,260
Really? Huh? You want to talk about cheese?
503
00:35:08,400 --> 00:35:08,980
How about that?
504
00:35:15,850 --> 00:35:19,830
Oh, my God. This house is amazing. I just took the biggest dump upstairs.
505
00:35:39,240 --> 00:35:42,880
Someone told me something about an all-you-can-eat buffet catered by Red Lobster.
506
00:35:45,400 --> 00:35:49,180
Congrats, Bella. I made you a little something.
507
00:35:51,120 --> 00:35:54,420
That is so sweet. Thanks, Jacob.
508
00:35:55,200 --> 00:35:55,740
You're welcome.
509
00:35:56,660 --> 00:36:02,100
Oh, sorry. I mean, I have a six-pack.
510
00:36:18,790 --> 00:36:19,990
So it is true.
511
00:36:29,940 --> 00:36:31,080
What did you see?
512
00:36:32,020 --> 00:36:33,300
The decision's been made.
513
00:36:34,040 --> 00:36:34,960
What does that mean?
514
00:36:35,200 --> 00:36:36,260
I'm not going to Seattle.
515
00:36:37,900 --> 00:36:39,000
They're coming here.
516
00:36:46,960 --> 00:36:48,560
Sorry, imprint.
517
00:36:51,600 --> 00:36:56,940
They'll be here in four days, but not before stopping off at IHOP for all-you-can-eat pancakes.
518
00:36:57,460 --> 00:36:58,660
How do you know all this?
519
00:36:59,280 --> 00:37:00,360
I follow her tweets.
520
00:37:02,220 --> 00:37:07,440
Just had the most amazing dinner at the brewery. Can't wait for IHOP all-you-can-eat before killing Bella.
521
00:37:07,860 --> 00:37:10,460
This could turn into a bloodbath. Who was behind it?
522
00:37:10,580 --> 00:37:14,620
I didn't see anyone I recognized. Maybe one.
523
00:37:15,300 --> 00:37:19,080
I didn't know his face. Ronald Steers. He just friended me on Facebook.
524
00:37:19,660 --> 00:37:24,180
Look, bottom line is, there's an army coming here. And there's not enough of us to stop them.
525
00:37:24,340 --> 00:37:25,660
Wait, what damn army?
526
00:37:25,860 --> 00:37:30,800
Come on, dude. Noobs, okay? Our kind. They're coming straight for Bella.
527
00:37:31,720 --> 00:37:34,980
They got her scratch-and-sniff vagina scent from this Ebony Thunder magazine.
528
00:37:35,300 --> 00:37:36,520
So what does that mean?
529
00:37:36,640 --> 00:37:38,880
It's like a really good magazine. Ten issues for $9.95.
530
00:37:39,320 --> 00:37:41,700
It means there'll be an ugly fight with lives lost.
531
00:37:42,280 --> 00:37:44,240
But we'll probably get to wear some really cool outfits.
532
00:37:47,720 --> 00:37:49,140
All right. We're in.
533
00:37:50,200 --> 00:37:52,320
No. You'll get yourselves killed. No way.
534
00:37:52,860 --> 00:37:54,060
I wasn't asking permission.
535
00:37:55,020 --> 00:37:55,320
Edward!
536
00:37:56,360 --> 00:37:57,820
It means more protection for you.
537
00:37:58,280 --> 00:38:02,840
We'll all need some training. Fighting noobs requires knowledge that Jasper has.
538
00:38:02,980 --> 00:38:05,400
Uh, yes. Yes.
539
00:38:05,620 --> 00:38:06,560
You're welcome to join us.
540
00:38:07,440 --> 00:38:10,920
All right. I like to do things. Name the time and the place.
541
00:38:11,980 --> 00:38:14,000
Why is this all happening?
542
00:38:15,700 --> 00:38:16,640
Because of me?
543
00:38:21,030 --> 00:38:22,750
I'm the center of it all!
544
00:38:23,610 --> 00:38:24,710
God, I'm the best!
545
00:38:25,910 --> 00:38:26,510
Woo!
546
00:38:28,370 --> 00:38:29,470
Me! Me! Me!
547
00:38:35,820 --> 00:38:38,460
We had to prepare for what was coming.
548
00:38:39,180 --> 00:38:41,540
Which meant another HPV inoculation.
549
00:38:42,280 --> 00:38:44,060
And a 30-day supply of tux.
550
00:38:44,900 --> 00:38:46,860
Class today. That was pretty splendid.
551
00:38:47,000 --> 00:38:48,200
Thank you. I studied.
552
00:38:48,200 --> 00:38:50,500
What is that?
553
00:38:51,380 --> 00:38:53,560
Oh, it's just a graduation present from Jake.
554
00:38:54,320 --> 00:38:57,600
Don't worry, I can't eat white cake. It gives me really bad gas.
555
00:38:58,420 --> 00:39:01,000
I mean, like, literally the minute I eat it, I just start ripping.
556
00:39:01,780 --> 00:39:04,600
And it smells... really bad.
557
00:39:05,040 --> 00:39:11,040
Kind of like a coyote carcass that's been left on the side of the road for nine months with a side of melted gruyere cheese.
558
00:39:11,420 --> 00:39:17,620
Or, um, kind of like an underground Turkish sewer system after a gay pride parade in the month of July.
559
00:39:18,200 --> 00:39:20,680
Or like I just ate a llama's dump after...
560
00:39:20,680 --> 00:39:21,760
Okay, I get it.
561
00:39:23,180 --> 00:39:23,700
Stinks.
562
00:39:40,300 --> 00:39:41,680
Sorry we're late, guys.
563
00:39:42,620 --> 00:39:44,620
Jacob got his dick stuck in the pool heater again.
564
00:39:45,520 --> 00:39:46,440
Took us a while to get it out.
565
00:39:48,760 --> 00:39:50,920
Boy, you shot really good.
566
00:39:51,180 --> 00:39:51,540
Damn good.
567
00:39:52,940 --> 00:39:53,900
It was fun.
568
00:39:54,840 --> 00:39:56,120
Anyways, welcome.
569
00:39:58,180 --> 00:39:59,700
Jasper has experience with noobs.
570
00:40:00,380 --> 00:40:00,880
Hell yeah.
571
00:40:00,880 --> 00:40:02,240
He'll teach us how to defeat them.
572
00:40:02,900 --> 00:40:06,080
Well, how are you vampires different from those noobs?
573
00:40:08,320 --> 00:40:10,540
They want to know how we differ from the noobs.
574
00:40:13,790 --> 00:40:15,470
They're a lot more powerful than we are.
575
00:40:16,510 --> 00:40:20,790
Not only do they have human tissue in their blood, they all juice up.
576
00:40:22,290 --> 00:40:23,190
Like on steroids?
577
00:40:24,230 --> 00:40:25,990
No, like Minute Maid, moron.
578
00:40:26,930 --> 00:40:31,070
Carlisle, can we please just kill her so we can live the rest of our lives in peace? Please.
579
00:40:32,450 --> 00:40:36,850
Unfortunately, for our kind, the first few months of this life are most powerful.
580
00:40:39,250 --> 00:40:41,030
Let me show you some of their recent activities.
581
00:40:56,950 --> 00:40:58,130
It's worth seeing, guys.
582
00:41:01,970 --> 00:41:02,450
Sorry.
583
00:41:05,270 --> 00:41:07,930
Is that a B or a P?
584
00:41:08,110 --> 00:41:08,650
It's a P.
585
00:41:09,110 --> 00:41:11,370
I think B.
586
00:41:12,910 --> 00:41:13,830
That was a P.
587
00:41:23,160 --> 00:41:23,640
Sorry.
588
00:41:24,820 --> 00:41:29,780
Anyway, Jasper's gonna teach us how to fight these monsters. Jasper.
589
00:41:30,220 --> 00:41:31,000
Thank you, Carlisle.
590
00:41:31,540 --> 00:41:35,520
Ladies and gentlemen, the two most important things about taking down noobs are as follows.
591
00:41:35,640 --> 00:41:40,360
Number one, do not let them come at you from behind. Keep your assholes tight.
592
00:41:40,720 --> 00:41:44,480
They will get in, they will slip in, like my Uncle Chris slipped in.
593
00:41:44,480 --> 00:41:48,520
Number two, do not let them fondle your nuts. They love nuts.
594
00:41:48,840 --> 00:41:51,800
It's one of their top three favorite foods that are also body parts.
595
00:41:52,000 --> 00:41:54,180
They love them. I've seen it. Okay?
596
00:41:55,480 --> 00:41:55,920
Rosalie.
597
00:41:57,200 --> 00:41:58,100
Don't hold back.
598
00:41:58,540 --> 00:41:59,000
Never.
599
00:42:03,180 --> 00:42:06,880
Don't be blonde. That was rule number zero. I just didn't say it. Alice!
600
00:42:12,440 --> 00:42:17,740
I love you. So much.
601
00:42:17,740 --> 00:42:18,440
Jasper.
602
00:42:19,020 --> 00:42:20,760
Lick. Dog ass!
603
00:42:21,860 --> 00:42:24,740
Who's next? Who's next?
604
00:42:24,960 --> 00:42:26,080
Just go. Just run.
605
00:42:27,620 --> 00:42:32,400
Mighty Joe Young ain't got nothing on me!
606
00:42:40,540 --> 00:42:43,320
Whoever said silk tastes like regular milk is completely wrong.
607
00:42:43,320 --> 00:42:45,840
I'm completely full of shit. Screw this diet.
608
00:42:47,660 --> 00:42:49,180
So what's the plan here, pale face?
609
00:42:50,640 --> 00:42:56,560
Well, this field will be an advantage in battle. We need to lure the noobs here with Bella's scent. This will end here.
610
00:42:57,280 --> 00:43:02,460
Edward and I are going to a campsite on Saturday. Even if he carries me, that's still picking up my scent.
611
00:43:02,900 --> 00:43:05,320
Your scent, however, is revolting.
612
00:43:06,120 --> 00:43:07,200
What's that supposed to mean?
613
00:43:09,000 --> 00:43:10,220
Oh, that's a good one.
614
00:43:11,300 --> 00:43:11,700
Sharp.
615
00:43:13,320 --> 00:43:14,320
Maybe just a test sample.
616
00:43:14,720 --> 00:43:19,280
Okay, what Edward means is that if you carry me, your scent will mask mine.
617
00:43:21,340 --> 00:43:22,760
Let's do a test run for Saturday.
618
00:43:23,200 --> 00:43:28,920
All right. Let's do this. Three, two, five. One, two, one.
619
00:43:29,220 --> 00:43:30,020
Okay, sorry, sorry.
620
00:43:33,620 --> 00:43:36,100
We'll get there. We'll get there.
621
00:43:37,760 --> 00:43:42,060
Even though it was Edward's idea, he really wasn't a fan of me spending time with Jacob.
622
00:43:43,320 --> 00:43:48,420
I just wish he'd finally understand that my feelings for him are way stronger than my feelings for Jacob.
623
00:43:49,320 --> 00:43:56,100
Well, except when Jacob sweats between his breaths. I enjoy that. They're fun. I call them my fun bags.
624
00:44:01,250 --> 00:44:02,770
Hey, you want a sandwich?
625
00:44:03,350 --> 00:44:03,850
No, I'm good.
626
00:44:08,220 --> 00:44:09,340
Dad, I was wondering.
627
00:44:11,280 --> 00:44:13,220
Why didn't you ever get married after Mom?
628
00:44:17,000 --> 00:44:20,460
Well, uh, actually I almost did, sweetheart.
629
00:44:23,960 --> 00:44:29,200
Yeah. Yeah, his name was Frank, and he had the hottest eight-pack I'd ever seen in my life.
630
00:44:29,720 --> 00:44:36,980
He loved tennis as much as I did, and on the weekends we'd go to Palm Springs, get one of those rooms with two queens for $69.69.
631
00:44:38,280 --> 00:44:42,480
We'd go antiquing, take the Sky Tram, ass hump.
632
00:44:42,680 --> 00:44:47,020
Oh, gross, Dad. Why don't you just tell me some more about the Sky Tram?
633
00:44:47,020 --> 00:44:53,860
Of course. Sky Tram is when I get nude and stand on the bed, and he lies on the floor and jerks off.
634
00:44:54,180 --> 00:44:59,200
And if he shoots a load up in the air and I catch it in my mouth, we both yell out, Sky Tram!
635
00:45:02,520 --> 00:45:06,960
Wow, that's really gross. Um, I should have just asked you about antiquing.
636
00:45:07,600 --> 00:45:10,820
Oh? Well, that's when you Sky Tram with an 85-year-old man.
637
00:45:12,840 --> 00:45:14,840
Okay, Dad, can I just ask you something, please?
638
00:45:15,480 --> 00:45:15,880
Anything.
639
00:45:17,020 --> 00:45:18,120
Do you believe in marriage?
640
00:45:18,620 --> 00:45:30,540
Of course. Why? Is there something you want to tell me? Were you not careful, Bella?
641
00:45:30,840 --> 00:45:31,280
What?
642
00:45:32,080 --> 00:45:38,200
Look, there are things you need to know before you become physically intimate.
643
00:45:38,420 --> 00:45:41,540
Okay, Dad, Mom already had this talk with me, so...
644
00:45:41,540 --> 00:45:46,700
Look, sweetheart, this isn't a game. You need to know what sex is all about.
645
00:45:53,450 --> 00:45:58,510
Now, a man has a penis and a woman has a vagina.
646
00:45:59,270 --> 00:46:01,010
Some women have very big vaginas.
647
00:46:01,410 --> 00:46:01,810
Dad!
648
00:46:01,930 --> 00:46:02,850
Too technical? Okay.
649
00:46:08,350 --> 00:46:12,790
Now, once insertion is achieved, the man and woman begin humping each other.
650
00:46:13,770 --> 00:46:15,070
Could you guys demonstrate, please?
651
00:46:17,450 --> 00:46:21,530
No, Dad! Edward is not interested in sex.
652
00:46:21,990 --> 00:46:22,750
Get out of here.
653
00:46:23,570 --> 00:46:24,690
No, he's not. I'm serious.
654
00:46:24,770 --> 00:46:28,230
No, I mean it. Get out of here. You're wasting my time, Ben. I got business to do.
655
00:46:29,170 --> 00:46:29,390
Go.
656
00:46:30,370 --> 00:46:32,890
I'm sorry. My daughter has a huge vagina.
657
00:46:34,010 --> 00:46:36,390
Hey, anybody up for a little antiquing?
658
00:46:39,270 --> 00:46:42,190
You guys... have you heard of sky tramming?
659
00:46:46,330 --> 00:46:48,950
I can't believe we have the whole house to ourselves for the night.
660
00:46:49,450 --> 00:46:50,030
Pretty cool.
661
00:46:51,010 --> 00:46:51,810
There's a bed.
662
00:46:52,610 --> 00:46:54,110
I thought you might need one to sleep in.
663
00:46:55,950 --> 00:46:57,590
Okay, I want to ask you something.
664
00:46:58,470 --> 00:46:58,970
Anything.
665
00:47:00,670 --> 00:47:03,650
Marriage is the condition for you to change me, yourself, right?
666
00:47:08,360 --> 00:47:08,960
Yes.
667
00:47:09,420 --> 00:47:12,300
Okay. I want to negotiate my own condition.
668
00:47:12,920 --> 00:47:15,040
Anything you want. It's yours.
669
00:47:15,860 --> 00:47:16,580
You promise?
670
00:47:17,360 --> 00:47:17,960
Yes.
671
00:47:20,240 --> 00:47:21,240
Put this on.
672
00:47:22,140 --> 00:47:22,600
What?
673
00:47:22,600 --> 00:47:23,200
Please.
674
00:47:23,900 --> 00:47:24,340
Why?
675
00:47:24,940 --> 00:47:25,900
Thought it might be fun.
676
00:47:28,560 --> 00:47:29,980
For you, anything.
677
00:47:30,180 --> 00:47:30,480
Okay.
678
00:47:32,020 --> 00:47:32,800
This too.
679
00:47:39,670 --> 00:47:40,490
How's this?
680
00:47:41,410 --> 00:47:42,470
Oh, it's perfect.
681
00:47:43,770 --> 00:47:45,730
Okay, now call me your bitch.
682
00:47:46,170 --> 00:47:48,630
What? I can't.
683
00:47:48,730 --> 00:47:51,310
Oh, okay. How about hoe? Can you say hoe?
684
00:47:51,550 --> 00:47:53,930
No. That's not how I was raised.
685
00:47:57,990 --> 00:47:59,370
My motherfucking bitch!
686
00:47:59,750 --> 00:48:01,330
You're my fucking hoe!
687
00:48:01,550 --> 00:48:05,030
Oh, yes. Okay, now talk about my milky white ass.
688
00:48:05,190 --> 00:48:06,550
I love your milky white ass.
689
00:48:06,590 --> 00:48:07,850
Yes, that is so good.
690
00:48:08,310 --> 00:48:10,110
Give me your chocolate pole, LeBron.
691
00:48:10,710 --> 00:48:14,090
Okay, okay, stop. I can't do this.
692
00:48:15,290 --> 00:48:16,630
It's just a little role play.
693
00:48:16,650 --> 00:48:17,250
I'm out. I'm out.
694
00:48:18,790 --> 00:48:20,230
Okay, I'm sorry.
695
00:48:21,390 --> 00:48:22,510
Let's just be us.
696
00:48:24,870 --> 00:48:25,690
You and me.
697
00:48:28,550 --> 00:48:30,250
You're the hottest thing around here, anyway.
698
00:48:45,240 --> 00:48:47,420
Okay, whoa, okay, what are you doing?
699
00:48:47,440 --> 00:48:50,900
Oh, just go with it, Edward. I'm gonna make you feel so good.
700
00:48:55,910 --> 00:48:58,230
Whoa, okay, I can't let you do that.
701
00:48:59,950 --> 00:49:01,230
Bella, I'm not ready.
702
00:49:03,850 --> 00:49:05,690
Aren't you attracted to me, Edward?
703
00:49:07,850 --> 00:49:09,530
We can work through this.
704
00:49:09,530 --> 00:49:14,870
I can get liposuction, or I can get breast implants to shave my roast beef.
705
00:49:15,010 --> 00:49:17,630
I mean, whatever you want.
706
00:49:18,430 --> 00:49:20,950
No, Bella, I'm attracted to you, Bella.
707
00:49:21,630 --> 00:49:24,650
It's just, I...
708
00:49:25,250 --> 00:49:28,030
Do you have the most enhanced breasts in the world?
709
00:49:28,930 --> 00:49:29,510
Does that help?
710
00:49:29,950 --> 00:49:30,170
No.
711
00:49:36,310 --> 00:49:38,570
Please direct your attention to stage seven,
712
00:49:38,890 --> 00:49:42,410
and let's give a big body shop welcome to Bella.
713
00:49:51,860 --> 00:49:53,600
Try stuffing this into your firepatch.
714
00:49:54,560 --> 00:49:55,660
Thanks, mister.
715
00:50:02,130 --> 00:50:02,770
Really?
716
00:50:03,570 --> 00:50:04,130
Here.
717
00:50:22,420 --> 00:50:24,760
Not to be nailing me right now.
718
00:50:25,160 --> 00:50:26,600
Nailing me fucking hard!
719
00:50:27,860 --> 00:50:29,780
You know what? Screw yourself!
720
00:50:33,160 --> 00:50:34,220
Thanks a lot, fucksnort.
721
00:50:34,920 --> 00:50:35,920
I lost my wood.
722
00:50:48,480 --> 00:50:50,300
It'll be a last-minute decision.
723
00:50:52,100 --> 00:50:53,900
I told you how it works.
724
00:50:55,120 --> 00:50:57,420
They call themselves...
725
00:50:59,560 --> 00:51:01,400
Don't underestimate them, Ronald.
726
00:51:02,140 --> 00:51:03,580
You'll have the numbers,
727
00:51:04,460 --> 00:51:09,020
but they'll be able to anticipate your every move.
728
00:51:09,900 --> 00:51:10,320
Cody?
729
00:51:13,460 --> 00:51:14,750
My dead friend.
730
00:51:18,300 --> 00:51:20,620
He found out about the things they could do,
731
00:51:21,200 --> 00:51:22,300
so they killed him.
732
00:51:23,280 --> 00:51:25,880
But not before he told me about it.
733
00:51:27,540 --> 00:51:30,620
Hey, looks like you two have become quite the couple.
734
00:51:30,980 --> 00:51:31,420
What?
735
00:51:31,880 --> 00:51:34,860
No, seriously, you guys are like a vampire version of Bonnie and Clyde.
736
00:51:35,060 --> 00:51:36,600
Do you mind?
737
00:51:37,940 --> 00:51:40,020
I mean, no, I get it, you want your privacy.
738
00:51:40,240 --> 00:51:43,600
But tell me, is a sex better as a vampire or as a human?
739
00:51:46,840 --> 00:51:49,320
Oh, come on, Ronnie, don't be shy, man.
740
00:51:49,420 --> 00:51:51,700
Come on, what's the deal? Is she not giving it up?
741
00:51:52,640 --> 00:51:53,440
No comment.
742
00:51:54,400 --> 00:51:56,840
Oh, shit, she's not giving it up, is she?
743
00:51:57,220 --> 00:51:58,660
You're a vampire virgin.
744
00:51:59,180 --> 00:52:01,400
Oh, little Ronnie's a vampire virgin.
745
00:52:02,540 --> 00:52:02,700
Stop it!
746
00:52:05,680 --> 00:52:10,000
We mess around, okay? Look, we... we do everything, but...
747
00:52:10,360 --> 00:52:12,380
We just tried to help like half an hour ago, seriously.
748
00:52:13,360 --> 00:52:17,540
Whoa, dry-humping, wow, that's some real Jonas Brothers shit, right?
749
00:52:17,780 --> 00:52:18,680
Get off me!
750
00:52:18,860 --> 00:52:22,200
Why don't you just give each other promise rings and jerk each other off?
751
00:52:22,340 --> 00:52:23,040
I didn't even do anything.
752
00:52:23,060 --> 00:52:23,800
You weren't, did I?
753
00:52:25,160 --> 00:52:55,900
Don't you think you're going a little overboard?
754
00:52:55,900 --> 00:52:59,000
If this is all that I have to contribute, I want to be thorough.
755
00:52:59,300 --> 00:53:00,100
Thorough about what?
756
00:53:00,840 --> 00:53:03,760
Hey, Jacob, Alice says there's a storm coming through tonight.
757
00:53:04,880 --> 00:53:09,780
Yeah, yeah, I can feel it. I definitely have maximum shrinkage going on.
758
00:53:10,820 --> 00:53:12,120
Oh, this needs ketchup.
759
00:53:15,660 --> 00:53:16,140
Chipotle.
760
00:53:17,660 --> 00:53:18,960
Let me get a couple of gloves.
761
00:53:21,560 --> 00:53:22,200
Ready to go, milady?
762
00:53:22,660 --> 00:53:23,660
Yeah, yeah.
763
00:53:23,940 --> 00:53:25,500
All right, you know what to do.
764
00:53:26,160 --> 00:53:26,920
Got it.
765
00:53:27,740 --> 00:53:30,820
And now, oh my God, did you gain weight?
766
00:53:31,280 --> 00:53:32,180
Did you lose muscle?
767
00:53:33,120 --> 00:53:34,280
I'm protecting you, ready?
768
00:53:36,640 --> 00:53:37,500
That's one.
769
00:53:37,980 --> 00:53:39,620
Yeah, they're not going to follow me after that.
770
00:53:40,580 --> 00:53:42,960
Oh, Jesus, is that really necessary?
771
00:53:43,520 --> 00:53:44,800
You want to be safe, don't you?
772
00:53:54,840 --> 00:53:59,020
Um, Ronald, I'm not too strong of a swimmer.
773
00:54:00,700 --> 00:54:01,500
Neither am I.
774
00:54:02,780 --> 00:54:05,120
I was taking lessons at the Y and my teacher got gonorrhea.
775
00:54:05,700 --> 00:54:06,660
She had to move back to Kansas.
776
00:54:07,680 --> 00:54:08,600
I don't know how to swim.
777
00:54:09,640 --> 00:54:10,340
And I have a vagina.
778
00:54:11,560 --> 00:54:11,920
Enough!
779
00:54:14,380 --> 00:54:15,920
We will figure it out.
780
00:54:16,820 --> 00:54:17,520
Such babies.
781
00:54:24,390 --> 00:54:25,290
I'm so sorry.
782
00:54:27,610 --> 00:54:28,730
Oh, my God.
783
00:54:28,870 --> 00:54:29,330
No worries.
784
00:54:30,410 --> 00:54:37,160
I don't really want to hurry up there, sweet tits.
785
00:54:37,240 --> 00:54:38,780
Those vampires are hot on your ass.
786
00:54:50,820 --> 00:54:52,260
Oh, we're almost there. Awesome.
787
00:55:20,740 --> 00:55:21,400
All right.
788
00:55:31,220 --> 00:55:32,180
Thank you.
789
00:55:32,480 --> 00:55:33,160
No problem.
790
00:55:33,680 --> 00:55:37,760
We ran into a small stumbling block a few miles down, but we made it through.
791
00:55:38,340 --> 00:55:40,100
We should probably head back before the storm hits.
792
00:55:40,640 --> 00:55:41,120
Nah.
793
00:55:42,380 --> 00:55:43,060
I'm good.
794
00:55:44,500 --> 00:55:45,840
I think I'm going to camp out here tonight.
795
00:55:46,400 --> 00:55:47,400
Besides, I have a dove bar.
796
00:55:47,960 --> 00:55:48,960
Why are you staying here?
797
00:55:49,780 --> 00:55:51,060
Because I like to watch.
798
00:55:52,000 --> 00:55:53,260
Let's get inside the tent.
799
00:56:04,840 --> 00:56:05,920
I'm sorry, sweetie.
800
00:56:05,920 --> 00:56:08,500
I wish there was something I could do.
801
00:56:09,160 --> 00:56:09,860
It's okay.
802
00:56:10,560 --> 00:56:11,140
I'm fine.
803
00:56:14,100 --> 00:56:14,540
Guys.
804
00:56:15,860 --> 00:56:16,860
We've got a problem.
805
00:56:17,700 --> 00:56:19,500
Did anybody bring hot sauce?
806
00:56:19,580 --> 00:56:20,740
Because this burrito is dry.
807
00:56:20,840 --> 00:56:21,940
Whoa, Bella, are you all right?
808
00:56:22,640 --> 00:56:24,520
We're all right, Jacob. Just leave us alone.
809
00:56:24,880 --> 00:56:25,940
She doesn't look fine.
810
00:56:26,100 --> 00:56:27,200
Leave us alone, man.
811
00:56:27,320 --> 00:56:30,060
Hey, this isn't about you and me, Edward.
812
00:56:30,980 --> 00:56:32,120
This is about Bella.
813
00:56:33,800 --> 00:56:34,780
Come to terms with it, man.
814
00:56:34,780 --> 00:56:36,400
I'm just hotter than you.
815
00:56:47,310 --> 00:56:48,130
You serious?
816
00:56:48,970 --> 00:56:50,090
Keep it clean.
817
00:56:51,110 --> 00:56:51,850
Yeah, you got it.
818
00:56:53,670 --> 00:56:55,190
Keep it clean.
819
00:56:55,350 --> 00:56:56,910
Oh, yeah. Really, really clean.
820
00:56:58,010 --> 00:56:58,570
Here.
821
00:57:01,260 --> 00:57:02,700
I gotta say, Jacob.
822
00:57:02,820 --> 00:57:07,400
I mean, if the situation wasn't what it is...
823
00:57:08,800 --> 00:57:10,940
I think we'd probably be friends.
824
00:57:12,120 --> 00:57:15,720
I know it's weird, but...
825
00:57:16,260 --> 00:57:16,780
I...
826
00:57:19,220 --> 00:57:20,660
I think you're a good guy.
827
00:57:22,880 --> 00:57:23,400
Good...
828
00:57:23,400 --> 00:57:24,380
Good guy. Nice guy.
829
00:57:24,420 --> 00:57:26,880
I mean, I think...
830
00:57:28,920 --> 00:57:31,420
Your intentions seem to be in the right place.
831
00:57:32,440 --> 00:57:32,960
It's...
832
00:57:32,960 --> 00:57:35,020
Damn it, man. I mean...
833
00:57:35,520 --> 00:57:39,080
Is it our fault that our ancestors have been feuding for centuries?
834
00:57:39,920 --> 00:57:41,100
Kyle, drive me.
835
00:57:41,140 --> 00:57:42,080
I like you, Jacob.
836
00:57:42,640 --> 00:57:44,180
I need energy.
837
00:57:45,940 --> 00:57:47,580
I'd like to start over with you.
838
00:57:47,920 --> 00:57:48,800
Watch a movie.
839
00:57:49,900 --> 00:57:50,900
Grab a coffee.
840
00:57:51,460 --> 00:57:52,300
Go trip to Vegas.
841
00:57:54,420 --> 00:57:55,300
It's crazy.
842
00:57:56,440 --> 00:57:58,100
Vampire roof boy hanging out.
843
00:57:58,240 --> 00:57:59,840
Right now. Right now. Right now.
844
00:57:59,980 --> 00:58:01,660
But think about it.
845
00:58:01,660 --> 00:58:03,220
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
846
00:58:03,220 --> 00:58:05,180
We could change things for our kind.
847
00:58:05,380 --> 00:58:06,600
For future generations.
848
00:58:07,360 --> 00:58:09,340
I mean, hey, man. We could make a difference.
849
00:58:11,100 --> 00:58:12,280
What do you say?
850
00:58:13,460 --> 00:58:14,480
Wanna go to Palm Springs?
851
00:58:28,250 --> 00:58:29,490
Did you have a good night's sleep?
852
00:58:30,150 --> 00:58:30,810
Yeah, it was good.
853
00:58:32,090 --> 00:58:35,570
I gotta say, Jacob's not half bad.
854
00:58:36,450 --> 00:58:40,690
I mean, he's a real, genuine, trustworthy gentleman.
855
00:58:41,730 --> 00:58:43,870
It's hard to find that in someone these days.
856
00:58:44,450 --> 00:58:45,310
I told you.
857
00:59:32,330 --> 00:59:32,710
We...
858
00:59:32,710 --> 00:59:35,050
We called you guys, like, a million times.
859
00:59:35,190 --> 00:59:37,170
We posted, like, a gazillion messages on your wall.
860
00:59:37,610 --> 00:59:40,290
We texted nude pictures to Jasper, like, every day.
861
00:59:40,290 --> 00:59:44,150
I did not put that picture as my desktop profile picture. I did not.
862
00:59:44,890 --> 00:59:46,890
Listen, ladies. We're a little busy right now.
863
00:59:47,150 --> 00:59:50,070
Of course. Blow us off again, Carlisle. We're used to it.
864
00:59:51,230 --> 00:59:55,610
You seem to have plenty of time for us during the last exam of our vaginas.
865
00:59:57,830 --> 00:59:59,090
Okay, girls. Honestly.
866
00:59:59,650 --> 01:00:01,190
We're about to go into battle here.
867
01:00:01,310 --> 01:00:02,650
Look, cut the bullshit.
868
01:00:03,370 --> 01:00:04,730
Are you adopting us or not?
869
01:00:07,030 --> 01:00:07,810
Unfortunately, no.
870
01:00:08,890 --> 01:00:12,630
Oh, fuck you, Cullen family. Fuck you hard.
871
01:00:16,540 --> 01:00:17,440
You want to go now?
872
01:00:17,640 --> 01:00:19,860
Did anyone notice they kind of looked a little similar?
873
01:00:36,020 --> 01:00:37,520
I thought you knew where we were going.
874
01:00:38,260 --> 01:00:39,060
Recalculating route.
875
01:00:39,260 --> 01:00:40,000
Damn GPS!
876
01:00:56,480 --> 01:00:58,980
The news will be forced to enter from the east side.
877
01:00:59,300 --> 01:01:02,660
We'll wait until they get halfway across the battlefield, and then we'll strike.
878
01:01:02,840 --> 01:01:04,720
But only on my command. You got it?
879
01:01:05,240 --> 01:01:06,560
On my command.
880
01:01:08,600 --> 01:01:10,080
You have reached your destination.
881
01:01:42,140 --> 01:01:42,680
It's starting.
882
01:01:46,670 --> 01:01:48,890
He says it's starting.
883
01:01:56,810 --> 01:01:58,230
They're planking.
884
01:02:07,380 --> 01:02:09,600
And now they're owling.
885
01:02:10,400 --> 01:02:11,280
It's really gay.
886
01:02:24,320 --> 01:02:25,960
Oh my God, they're owling.
887
01:02:26,380 --> 01:02:27,740
That is so gay.
888
01:02:28,400 --> 01:02:29,620
Jacob just arrived.
889
01:02:30,800 --> 01:02:32,120
He's marking his territory.
890
01:02:35,080 --> 01:02:37,000
We're still going. We're still going.
891
01:02:37,460 --> 01:02:38,240
Anybody still going?
892
01:02:48,240 --> 01:02:49,080
Someone's hurt.
893
01:02:49,820 --> 01:02:52,640
She's close. I can hear her thoughts.
894
01:02:53,720 --> 01:02:56,800
Something about needing a Brazilian wax.
895
01:02:57,900 --> 01:03:00,100
Because she's getting major chafage when she runs.
896
01:03:00,780 --> 01:03:01,600
Seth, go!
897
01:03:07,810 --> 01:03:08,970
She's not alone.
898
01:03:21,960 --> 01:03:23,260
Ronald, listen to me.
899
01:03:23,900 --> 01:03:26,820
Victoria is just using you to distract me.
900
01:03:27,260 --> 01:03:29,360
She knows I'll kill you.
901
01:03:31,080 --> 01:03:34,940
In fact, she'll be happy to not have to deal with you anymore.
902
01:03:35,360 --> 01:03:36,920
Don't listen to him, Ronald.
903
01:03:37,560 --> 01:03:39,340
I told you about his mind tricks.
904
01:03:44,720 --> 01:03:46,100
Keep watching, keep watching.
905
01:03:46,180 --> 01:03:48,600
Oh, which one could it be? Whoa, whoa, here we go, here we go.
906
01:04:01,480 --> 01:04:02,920
Oh, my goodness.
907
01:04:03,080 --> 01:04:03,840
You're fucking dead!
908
01:04:06,200 --> 01:04:08,300
You won't get another chance like this again!
909
01:04:11,200 --> 01:04:14,360
You want me to feel the pain you felt when I killed James?
910
01:04:15,140 --> 01:04:16,520
When I tore him to pieces?
911
01:04:17,140 --> 01:04:18,640
When I turned him to ash?
912
01:04:18,980 --> 01:04:23,560
When I smoked him out of a bong and gave everyone a contact hiding in the Rica Iglesias concert?
913
01:06:47,420 --> 01:06:48,220
You want one?
914
01:06:50,500 --> 01:06:56,040
Oh, Jesus Christ, it's bad. That's really, oh, my God, that's really bad.
915
01:06:56,840 --> 01:07:01,800
Oh, so bad it smells like coyote carcass mixed with gruyere that's been left on the side of the highway for nine months.
916
01:07:02,320 --> 01:07:08,700
So bad, oh, it smells like a Turkish sewer system after a gay pride parade in the month of July.
917
01:07:09,460 --> 01:07:13,140
Oh, oh, so bad it smells like you ate a llama's dump after a gay pride parade.
918
01:07:13,140 --> 01:07:16,240
Okay, yeah, I know. I know. It smells bad.
919
01:07:16,300 --> 01:07:18,840
Hey, there they are. Love the llama's dump line.
920
01:07:19,020 --> 01:07:19,780
That was really good.
921
01:07:36,250 --> 01:07:40,610
Impressive. I've never seen a small group like yours if you large army like theirs.
922
01:07:40,770 --> 01:07:41,550
We were lucky.
923
01:07:42,270 --> 01:07:48,470
I doubt that. Luck is when you have a six showing and the dealer shows the king and you hit and pull up four in a week.
924
01:07:48,690 --> 01:07:56,350
Or when you bet exact two bucks on two 50-2-1 horses and they come and win and play.
925
01:07:56,890 --> 01:08:01,630
Or if you take Gremlin over Southern, be at the late ten and cover on the last second Hail Mary.
926
01:08:01,810 --> 01:08:03,570
We're gonna have to off all of you.
927
01:08:03,770 --> 01:08:04,310
Excuse me?
928
01:08:04,850 --> 01:08:13,340
It'll be quick, you won't know when he wrote it.
929
01:08:20,300 --> 01:08:22,640
I'd like to commend you all on a job well done.
930
01:08:23,820 --> 01:08:27,360
And hope to see you at Edward and Bella's wedding next month. Mazel!
931
01:08:28,240 --> 01:08:30,420
Wait, Mary, you two are getting married?
932
01:08:31,620 --> 01:08:33,160
Jacob, you knew this day was coming.
933
01:08:33,440 --> 01:08:34,800
By my bronzed body.
934
01:08:43,760 --> 01:08:45,220
Or I'll take my life.
935
01:08:45,580 --> 01:08:50,120
Jacob, put the knife down. This does not qualify as an emergency situation.
936
01:08:50,280 --> 01:08:50,940
Call it off.
937
01:08:51,240 --> 01:08:52,940
Just put the knife down and we'll talk, okay?
938
01:08:53,740 --> 01:08:57,080
Hey, what's up, Jacob? How are you feeling about the conflict in the Middle East?
939
01:08:57,280 --> 01:08:58,840
Are you kidding me? Get the hell out of here, you asshole.
940
01:09:00,020 --> 01:09:02,000
Dude, dude, I'm sorry.
941
01:09:02,200 --> 01:09:05,380
My abs! My glorious abs!
942
01:09:13,520 --> 01:09:14,480
To Edward and Bella.
943
01:09:58,260 --> 01:09:59,920
You have something.
944
01:10:00,980 --> 01:10:01,460
Huh?
945
01:10:01,980 --> 01:10:03,340
You have something right here.
946
01:10:03,960 --> 01:10:04,420
What?
947
01:10:04,800 --> 01:10:07,840
You've got a goddamn booger hanging from your nose and it's fucking gross.
948
01:10:11,780 --> 01:10:17,000
No measure of time with you would be long enough.
949
01:10:18,300 --> 01:10:20,020
But we'll start with...
950
01:11:03,450 --> 01:11:05,590
It's impossible, you're pregnant?
951
01:11:06,450 --> 01:11:07,410
No, you idiot.
952
01:11:07,410 --> 01:11:08,870
Oh, Christ!
953
01:11:11,790 --> 01:11:17,040
You're a bad case of the shit.
954
01:11:17,920 --> 01:11:23,740
God, I knew I shouldn't have taken those stupid shrimp tacos from that Guadalajara street vendor last night.
955
01:11:34,100 --> 01:11:35,580
You're definitely pregnant, Bella.
956
01:11:37,680 --> 01:11:39,480
There's only one slight inconsistency.
957
01:11:40,880 --> 01:11:45,940
The results of the blood test reveal that the baby's DNA doesn't exactly match that of Edward's.
958
01:11:47,140 --> 01:11:48,300
That's impossible.
959
01:11:49,220 --> 01:11:50,440
Not according to science.
960
01:11:50,940 --> 01:11:51,840
Well then, whose is it?
961
01:11:54,720 --> 01:11:56,440
Daddy's home, bitches!
962
01:12:03,240 --> 01:12:08,760
Hey everyone, David here, and I'm about to watch the new trailer for the Twilight Saga Eclipse movie.
963
01:12:08,900 --> 01:12:10,220
We're about to watch it, people!
964
01:12:10,720 --> 01:12:17,440
The following preview has been approved for appropriate audiences.
965
01:12:18,370 --> 01:12:19,350
I'm so nervous.
966
01:12:19,830 --> 01:12:22,240
Excuse me if I start screaming.
967
01:12:23,630 --> 01:12:24,090
Oh, God.
968
01:12:38,400 --> 01:12:38,800
No.
969
01:12:56,970 --> 01:13:01,850
New Eclipse clip! New Eclipse clip! New Eclipse clip! New Eclipse clip! New Eclipse clip! New Eclipse clip! New Eclipse clip!
970
01:13:01,970 --> 01:13:07,570
I'm gonna watch it, because I need to watch it, and I've been waiting to all... well, not all day, but most of today to watch it.
971
01:13:07,590 --> 01:13:12,230
And I really can't wait anymore, because apparently it's got the Volturi in it, and I love the Volturi.
972
01:13:12,690 --> 01:13:14,150
Oh, my God. Eclipse clip!
973
01:13:14,470 --> 01:13:15,170
Oh, my God.
974
01:13:17,890 --> 01:13:22,530
I'm looking right now at the page, and I can watch the trailer now, and I'm so nervous.
975
01:13:23,150 --> 01:13:24,330
Oh, my God.
976
01:13:24,570 --> 01:13:25,890
I can't wait.
977
01:13:27,090 --> 01:13:28,280
Oh, my God!
978
01:13:43,930 --> 01:13:50,950
I love the part where... the Twilight trailer. I love the whole part. The whole thing. I love the whole thing.
979
01:13:51,170 --> 01:13:52,150
Oh, my God!
980
01:13:53,250 --> 01:13:58,580
Oh, my God!
981
01:13:59,020 --> 01:14:04,500
Why have they not leaked more? Okay? Do they not know that Twilight fans need more?
982
01:14:04,680 --> 01:14:08,620
We need more. More, please. Hi. More, please.
983
01:14:09,040 --> 01:14:10,480
Oh, I love this already!
984
01:14:12,140 --> 01:14:17,340
I'm crying, because it was so good. I've got no voice, because it's the last day.
985
01:14:18,980 --> 01:14:22,660
I'm gonna go book a ticket for tomorrow morning, because I need to see it again.
986
01:14:23,660 --> 01:14:34,800
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I've just seen it for the fifth time. I saw it four times yesterday, and I've just gotten home after seeing it for the fifth time, and I am totally exhausted, and I'm just never gonna get sick of this film, ever.
987
01:14:35,060 --> 01:14:38,000
It's just not gonna happen. No, it's not gonna happen. No, it's not.
988
01:14:38,000 --> 01:14:47,800
I fucking love this film. I fucking love this film. I fucking loved every single minute of it, and I didn't get kicked out, which is actually quite a surprise to me, because that's normally what would happen, to be totally honest with you.
989
01:14:47,940 --> 01:14:55,960
Oh, my God. I have to go and see it again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again. I don't even have any other words, and I'm tired, and I'm still hyper, and I've never really done that before.
990
01:14:56,340 --> 01:15:06,220
And I'm eating Jaffa Cakes for no apparent reason. No reason. No. No reason. Bye.
991
01:15:42,530 --> 01:15:53,010
Oh, no. Oh, God, no. No. Son of a bitch! Son of a bitch! Oh, God, why? God!
992
01:15:54,490 --> 01:15:56,110
Oh, yeah. No.
993
01:16:02,770 --> 01:16:05,010
How much you mean to me.
994
01:16:11,310 --> 01:16:16,390
Made you a little something. Made you a little something. Made you a little something. Oh, my God.
995
01:16:21,570 --> 01:16:26,330
I like to watch. I like to watch.
996
01:16:29,010 --> 01:16:37,110
Your vagina feels so good. I can do this all night. Caliente. Muy mucho. I don't know Spanish.
997
01:16:46,390 --> 01:16:47,370
Excuse me.
998
01:16:53,130 --> 01:16:55,130
Oh, he shorted himself.
999
01:16:57,470 --> 01:17:06,510
It'll be fun. We'll have a chalupa truck, a petting zoo, and we'll drink some blood. Is that Japan? Is that Japan there?
1000
01:17:06,510 --> 01:17:11,750
They will take your ass. They will take your property like they're playing Risk. Oh, sorry.
1001
01:17:12,550 --> 01:17:16,310
Who's next, pussies? I killed my wife.
1002
01:17:16,730 --> 01:17:23,270
Shut up. Just shut that lying face. We need to rework our voting system. I feel like it was flawed.
1003
01:17:26,090 --> 01:17:30,190
He's nailing her good. She's taking it like your mom used to. I'm proud of you, Mom.
1004
01:17:31,550 --> 01:17:37,830
Cut. I'm good with one. I'm a giver.
1005
01:17:39,810 --> 01:17:43,190
Taiwanese means two hookers anyway. Two hookers, two hookers.
1006
01:17:47,130 --> 01:17:51,890
What the fuck? What the fuck? What the fuck?
1007
01:17:58,670 --> 01:18:07,700
I wish all vampires had such control. You know what I mean? You know what I mean? You know what I mean?
1008
01:18:08,320 --> 01:18:09,100
I do.
1009
01:18:10,460 --> 01:18:15,100
Yeah, it'll be fun. We'll have a chalupa truck, a petting zoo, and...
1010
01:18:16,240 --> 01:18:18,420
Whatever. We can just call it on the fly.
1011
01:18:21,600 --> 01:18:28,740
Alex, don't be angry because you're too tight to do anal.
1012
01:18:30,360 --> 01:18:33,820
A knife in my chest. This hurts.
1013
01:18:33,820 --> 01:18:35,780
Let me hold that bag for you.
1014
01:18:37,040 --> 01:18:38,340
Are you okay?
1015
01:18:39,700 --> 01:18:40,740
I quit!
1016
01:18:42,500 --> 01:18:44,340
You too? Yep, finally made the pack.
1017
01:18:52,890 --> 01:18:55,230
Feels really good, huh? Oh, yeah.
1018
01:19:07,450 --> 01:19:19,080
I shouldn't just say it at a time that it'd make me cry.
1019
01:19:19,740 --> 01:19:20,920
Make me cry.
1020
01:19:21,760 --> 01:20:08,120
Don't judge this what I'm doing.
1021
01:21:26,840 --> 01:21:28,680
It'd make me cry.
1022
01:21:29,220 --> 01:21:29,780
Make me cry.
76793
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