Original subtitles

[Music]

It's no good, Danny. We always

quarrelled at breakfast.

How's it been living alone? I've always

lived alone. You had me? Oh, yes. On

Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays, your

stud nights. I love you.

[Music]

Gemma, my dear, how lovely. It is in

Amsterdam. Spring seems to have arrived

early here, and Aunt Jenny and I have

had some lovely trips on the canals.

It's such a romantic city. I'll call you

on Monday morning. I should be home by

7:30. Love, mother.

Hello.

It's such a romantic city.

Oh, mother, what have you done?

GMA, is that you? Oh, mother, you're

back. Did you have a wonderful time? Did

you ring me a moment ago? No, no, no. I

I was going to. Did you have a wonderful

time? Oh, good. I heard it ring, but I

couldn't get to the

phone. Anyway, how are you? Oh, I'm

fine. I'm fine.

How's Danny? Have you seen Danny?

Mother? No. All right. All right. We

won't mention Danny. No. How's the

social work? Oh, all right. I um I

finished the induction course and I go

on my first case today. Yes. Well, be

careful. It's a very dangerous mission

helping people.

You still haven't told me. Did you have

a wonderful

time? Are you sure you didn't ring me

earlier?

Hello. I'm from the social service

department. I've uh come to talk things

over with you.

So, we sat here on this bench and I told

him, "I'm pregnant." I said, "What did

he say?"

He sort of withdrew. It's a bit late for

that.

I felt sorry for him. His face turned

old. He had his hand in his pocket. I

heard his comb snap.

Did he mention marriage? Oh, yeah. Oh,

well, he's got some principles then. I'm

said he didn't believe in it. Not a lot.

You know, it must be quite a shock to a

fellow to suddenly realize that he's in

good working order.

What do you mean good working order? You

think you just had a bloody

medical? I mean, you think you're just a

human being with a face and a body and

something in your head if you're lucky.

And then all of a sudden, you've created

another human being. That's powerful.

That is.

Look, a thing is only powerful when no

one else can do it.

Well, he's got a thesis to write. But

why don't you take care of yourself?

What are you going to tell your kid? Oh,

I'm sorry. You haven't got a dad. Only

you had a thesis to

write. I've got to say it, Josie.

Someone's got to say

it. Oh, God. Young and free they call

it. She's got herself pregnant and I

can't even get a fella. Here we are

sitting on this bench looking like an

old Dutch painting.

Well, your bills don't get any less, do

they, Mrs. Thompson? All she does is

knit.

Electricity

£69.98, gas £49.99.

Can't you cut them down?

It's me legs. Got to keep me legs warm.

No blood in me legs.

We all have blood in our legs, Mrs.

Thompson. Mother Nature is not perfect,

but she never sent anyone out with empty

legs.

Leave her long enough and she'll she'll

nip you another cup of tea.

Now, look, I'm I'm I'm here to help you

and advise you. Now, it says here that

you're

£220 in debt to the electricity board.

Now, I think we ought to get a system

going. Got a system going. Don't work.

Yes, but that's because you use £69

worth of electricity and only put £3

away to pay for it. It's me legs. Now

look, I've had a word with the

electricity board and they're willing to

cooperate. They've gone. They've all

gone. You bring them up, you know, hold

back the tears and then just when you're

ready for a good cry, they

go. You've got a mother? Yes. Yes, I

I've got a mother. You're married? No.

Oh, so you're no kids then? No, I'm only

30.

Leaving it a bit late then, aren't

you? But I'd had two husbands by then. I

had another one

since. And six kids. That's nine people.

Now they've gone. All of them like me

legs. Clickity click clackity clack. Her

knitting needles and her gob. They never

stop.

Well, now

Now, about these

debts. Now, I'm going to need to know

certain things if I'm going to be able

to help you. For instance, what your

income is and and how many fires you

have and how often you use them. Mrs.

Thompson. Mrs.

Thompson. Mr.

Thompson. I expect your mother's about

my age. It's a funny age. Not young, not

old, sort of redundant.

Oh, it's such a lovely city, Amsterdam.

So romantic. We went to the Van Go

Museum and Dom Square, and we we did all

the canal trips, and we ate in a little

Greek cafe, and we danced. You and

Auntie Jenny,

it was you on the phone this morning,

was it?

You don't have to explain anything to

me. Only if the milkman decides to

answer your phone while you're upstairs

looking for your purse. That seems a

perfectly reasonable explanation to me.

I mean, I have learned that things are

not always the way they seem. Only

sometimes.

But you give me access to the tea. I

can't cope without tea. I maybe it's her

early morning voice. I thought people

often wake up. Baritone.

His name's Howard. But for the last two

weeks, he's been heavily disguised as

Auntie Jenny. Yes.

Well, go on. Go on. Deliver a frenzy

lecture. Tell me that at my age, I ought

to be sitting at home reading Barbara

Cartland and reminiscing. Well, I wasn't

going to say that. We're lovers. Well,

that's I mean, that's fine. We have been

for two years.

[Music]

Well, that's uh that's even better. We

we might get married.

Mother. Mother, the whole thing is

really very nice.

Yes. Well, if the whole thing is really

very nice, why are you mauling your

hair? Well, I I uh You're shocked. I uh

No, no, no. I'm uh surprised and uh I'm

amazed. Two years.

Well, I

uh I'm going to have to reassess you.

You're not the way I saw you. Well, how

did you see me? Well, sort of um warm

and and

and pure

and

truthful, gently strolling through life.

But now it appears you've been charging

at it at full gallop.

Is that wrong? No, no, no. It's just

that well I mean I mean well you've had

all the traumas of husbands and

housework and kids and and and you've

emerged ages and and I mean are you

going to start it all again? Are you

going to start dragging a shopping bag

around with his favorite cereal sticking

out of it? I mean that is what we all do

mother that is what we all do. Gemma I

know that you have become disillusioned

lately and because of that you have

chosen to live in in an unnatural state

of celibacy but I have not. I had 30

years with your father. He was a good

man. We had a good marriage. And now I

have a perfectly good reason to do it

all again.

Well,

I I'm

uh I'm very happy for you. Thank you.

I mean, I'm sure that everything you you

you do is sensible and right and mature.

Good. He's 35.

You're mad.

Yes. I thought that somewhere in the

conversation I'd be certified. Oh,

mother. Oh, mother. It doesn't work. Oh,

mother. It just doesn't

work. I mean, in in in 5 years time,

you'll only be 40 and you'll

be tired.

You wouldn't mind if it was the other

way round, would you? If if he was old

and I was young, the world doesn't seem

to mind that combination. Yeah, but it's

20 years, whichever way round you put

it. I mean, if I'm going to follow in

your footsteps, the man I'm going to

marry is sitting at home watching

Cracker Jackack right now.

Well, I'd rather take this chance. You

know, it's better than nothingness. Oh,

I often wake up in the night and and I

think of you lying in in that huge bed

all alone. It's such a waste. Oh,

mother, I can't understand you. You're

always trying to get me into bed with

somebody. No, not just somebody.

Somebody special. Cuz that's how it

should be. Oh, you can forget those

tired old remarks about sex not being

everything. The way to have mentally

perfect days is to have physically

perfect nights. It's But it's touch, you

see. It's another warm being, warm live

being, to touch and to hug. I missed all

that.

Well, well, it's uh it's going to be

strange having a father only 5 years

older than I am.

He does know about me, doesn't he? Oh,

well, of course he knows about you. I

tell him everything. Well, almost

everything. So, what uh what haven't you

told him? Well, well, I Well, I didn't

quite I mean, sort of, you know, almost,

but I not not not precisely and

absolutely sort of tell him my exact

age. You're 35 and I'm at boarding

school. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I admitted that I was in my desperately

late 40s. But he doesn't know how

desperately late.

Well, well, he doesn't know I'm 55. No.

And And you had to come down a bit. So,

you're 24.

Oh, father. Oh, I just won't get away

with it. You know, I don't have that

kind of luck. Oh, God. I knew there was

something else. Father always said you

were

susceptible. Remember that man who

called himself the gas man? Said he'd

come to repair the gas pipes. And in he

came into the hall, into the cupboard.

You gave him cake. You gave him tea. And

off he went with a gas meter on his

back. And he tried to kiss you on the

way out. Gemma, it's not sorted. You

know, if I could only eliminate time, it

would be like any other love affair.

That's all I'm trying to

do. Yes. All the same. Yes, you're

right. I will tell him. No. Well, I

think you should. You know, for a long

time after your father died, I used to

go and sit in the gingerbread man. You

know, Dad and I always used to eat

there, and I' I'd sit and have a coffee,

and I could hear him laughing. I haven't

needed to go there since I met Howard.

Now, that says something, doesn't it?

Yes. Yes. It Well, it's just the age

gap, that's all. Have you seen the men

of my age? Or pink and

ovalshaped, stricken, pale by their bank

loans, and and at the end of the day, A

worried heap trapped in flannel pajamas.

Yes. Well, that's another thing, isn't

it? The end of the day. I mean, men are

very demanding when they're young.

Yes.

Oh, come on, Josie. Leave your night

dress where it is. You'll look like an

Easter egg soon enough. I'm quite

looking forward to it now. At least I'll

get a seat on the bus. and soon stand

myself. I wonder if it'll have its

father's brains. Well, I hope so, cuz

it'll have to go out to work when it's

5.

Feel like a film star. You know, when

you're reading the paper, Screen Idol

talks of love, child. Well, you're not a

film star, are you? You're a petrol pump

attendant.

I thought you were going to help me.

I'll see you through, Josie. You said

we'll make a pack. You said every night

before we go to sleep, we'll have a

laugh. You said, "Well, that's because I

didn't expect you to start enjoying it.

You're supposed to be worried and

depressed."

He's ringing

tonight. I still don't want to be

married, though. I mean, I've seen it

all. They drive into the petrol station,

Mr. Mrs. Average Couple with the kids

and dogs and picnic baskets. She's

shrieking her head off cuz he's

forgotten to pack the push chair. And he

sits there with his shirt on inside out,

fighting back the urge to commit mass

murder.

Oh, it's not always like that. I mean,

there must be some happy couples. Name

me one.

Dave and Mary.

Adam and Penny.

Your mom and dad. Oh, give them a

Hello. Oh, Jeffrey.

Hello. Yeah. Yeah, I'm

fine. No, I feel fantastic.

Yeah. Okay. Good night. Oh,

Jeffrey, I love

you. What's all the whispering for? I

don't know. I felt silly. I go to pieces

when I have to say I love you. I feel

sort of jeopardized. Yeah. Yeah.

Jeopardized.

Bernardet, what's wrong? What are you

crying for? I wish I were you, Josie. I

wish I was pregnant and in

love. I wish some fellow would ring me

up at night and jeopardize me.

I slept with her. That's all. It's you I

love.

Hello. Gemma, it's me. Oh, mother. I

spoke to Howard. Oh, good. Good. He he

looked at me and uh well, it was very

strange. Then he he walked out.

You just walked out.

[Laughter]

[Applause]

[Laughter]

All right. All right. What have you done

with my toast this time?

What do you think you are? A discus

thrower?

Where have you been? I've been so

worried about you. And so I should

think. Tell me it's you. Go. Go away.

Right. Having disposed with the usual

tender greetings. How are you? I'm

wonderful. I'm just wonderful.

Everything is wonderful. I uh I called

to tell you I'm in bed. Well, of course

you're in bed. It's Saturday. your

horizontal day.

I'm ill. Ill? What kind of ill? Pain?

Unbearable pain.

Where? In my heart mostly. And when I

cough, my mind hurts. Yes. Well, it must

be a terrifying experience being trapped

in your head. I had you worried though,

didn't I? You loved me briefly. I mean,

all I've got to do is fall down dead.

You'd be here begging me to come back.

Danny, I've just rung up to announce

your pending departure. You've chosen

the wrong day. I'm in a hurry. My toast

has gone missing. My mother's gone

missing. And I wish you would go

missing. And get your other sock on.

The gingerbread man,

please. Hang on a

minute. 47 King Edwards Drive, please.

I expect your mother's about my age.

It's a funny age. You're not young.

You're not

old. Sort of redundant.

Mother, why haven't you been answering

the phone? Perhaps I didn't hear it.

Well, you must have heard it. I rang

twice. Maybe I was in the bar. I've been

worried sick about you all morning. I've

had no breakfast and I've been to the

gingerbread man. The gingerbread man?

What on earth for? Well, I mean, I

thought that Well, I thought Did you

know I mean I know how you must be

feeling, but I did warn you. I mean, I

know you think I'm inexperienced, but

you can't come out of a relationship

with someone like Danny without coming

out of it experienced and informed and

sort of old. Put some marmalade in that

for me, please. Do you know what I

think? I think there's no such thing as

a lasting relationship. I think it's the

first 5 minutes that's intriguing and

after that we spend our time searching

for the first 5 minutes. I mean, some

people's 5 minutes last longer, of

course. You and dads, for instance, and

other people like me and Danny. I mean,

we only get 2 minutes of our 5 minutes,

but generally speaking, they sound like

an oven timer. Do you know what I

think? I think men are a mistake. I

think God must have got an awful shock

when he found out what he'd done. I

mean, there he was mixing together all

his little potions, getting together a

lovely world full of lovely little

humans, and suddenly half of them turned

out to be men. Rockus Randy and running

a

muck. Anyway, here you are in your own

house with your own thoughts. No one to

make demands on you, no one plotting

about in his underpants, accusing you of

ruining his potential as a human being

and threatening to become a dropout. No

more shirts to iron. No bits of engine

on the breakfast table. Could you bring

the teapot?

I didn't like him much anyway. You

didn't meet him. I I think you need a

more sensitive man. You You need a man

who won't walk out the moment the moment

he finds out things. Boy, am I hungry.

You know what I

think? I think he's back. He's upstairs.

plotting about in his underpants

probably. After I phoned you, he came

back with champagne.

[Music]

Well, that's

um that's fine. I That's just That's

just

fine. Well, uh I'll

uh I'll go then. Why don't you stay and

have breakfast? No. No, no. I um I've

got some toast at home on the floor

somewhere. I'll

uh I'll just go.

[Music]

I'm getting bigger. I can feel it. Don't

be dafted. You're only 6 weeks. I don't

know what I'm going to tell my mom and

dad. I'll tell him you've done what they

did, only sooner. Hey, just think he'll

be 10 by the time I'm 30.

Jimma.

Danny, would you hug me, please?

Thank you.

It's

[Music]