Original subtitles

[Music]

gemma how absolutely marvelous to see you after all this time i couldn't believe it when I looked

out and saw you oh god I thought what's that silly cow on a bike doing anyway how are you

fine just fine not married yet no well never mind he'll come along one day oh he's been along he's

been and gone oh darling you're not suffering are you only the way a dog suffers when he slipped his

collar and you well I must say I'm very happy with Gerald of course he's much older than me

53 i like older men they work hard and they're more ambitious and positive and they sleep a lot

it's funny how men sleep women talk and men sleep he's not exactly fiery you know what I

mean not the great passionate thruster I spent 35 years preparing myself for but he's solid

and reliable danny was uh well he was nocturnal but he wasn't solid or reliable honestly darling

is there the perfect man i mean is that every morning Gerald comes marching from his shower

brandishing his body and threatening me with a night to remember but when he gets home he

just dissolves in front of the television all I do is put a glass of brandy a packet of peanuts

and the remote control on his chest it's just like setting a table i wonder who first got the

idea that men and women should live together some ancient man I suppose probably came home one day

dragging a dead dinosaur and discovered he hadn't got a clean loin cloth well I've decided to live

alone what completely always completely and always what about when you're older you know everything

out of focus and no one to pass your glasses well I would wear them around my neck on a cord oh my

god what about making love i mean don't you just need to make love i mean here it is the end of

a day and there he is the man you adore if I can prize him apart from his brandy and peanuts well

isn't it the best alternative over a whole lot of dreadful alternatives i don't know i think there's

something wrong with me ever since Danny Oh well it doesn't matter oh come on darling if you're

going to feed me your private life don't do me out of the dessert ever since Danny what he um I

went to bed with someone else and Well there is no and that's it you mean you're going to live alone

with your glasses on a cord because of that well I think it's a very special thing going to bed with

someone rubbish darling if only special as you want to make it it can be just fun but that's a

man's point of view i'm still just a woman that's the trouble with me society has taught me how to

dress like a man how to mend a fuse how to pay for a run but it hasn't taught me how to think like

a man all you need is practice think fun think what the hell now I can only think love i used

to be like that now I've fallen off the emotional pavement so often I hardly notice getting run over

but you married Gerald that wasn't for fun was it well of course I married Gerald i'm 35 the

stocks are running low it's called security darling what about happiness oh that was just

a word someone dreamed up when I first found out about Danny I felt like a clock that had

stopped oh I started ticking again spasmodically but what I really want to do is chime who is the

other woman my best friend well doesn't that call for some mild action like assassination honestly

darling you're so placid the world is full of female predators you must guard your man and

if anybody turns up with more chest than you rush at her in full snal julia I'm a woman not an als

have you noticed that fruit isn't the same anymore it tastes like water water hasn't got a taste well

neither is fruit well why didn't you say that then why didn't you say "Have you noticed fruit hasn't

got a taste anymore?" Well cuz I'm me aren't I if I said everything the way you said it I'd be you

i love that sounding in jelly i love that plopping sound it makes when you take the

first spoonful i love jelly sounds oh Pyramis she cried who has done this handsome me Pyramis

it is your own Thsby that speaks pyramis and Thsby they were lovers oh he thought she'd

been killed by a lion so he stabbed himself then when she saw him lying dead she killed

herself just goes to show you doesn't it you're not really safe on an airplane airplane what

on earth of airplanes got to do with Greek mythology the human element pyramid pyramus

well Pyramus then thought thsbas fsby he thought she was dead thought so he killed

himself well all I'm saying is that the pilot could think that the undercarriage is down

when it isn't and down we'd come like a duck on a frozen lake there's no comparison we've

got science and advanced technology oh science and advanced technology does your brain know

what your mouth is talking about of course it does i'm reading aren't I i'm elasticating me

mind you've not relying on your body have you oh mirth mirth here drink your tea it's getting cold

jeffrey has got a university degree oh it's for him is it all this elasticating of the mind well

just remember elastic is unreliable you could be standing there at one of his posh parties

and suddenly find your intellectual knickers on the floor he knows a lot of clever things

he knows about music and poetry and art you can't go into competition with that kind of

thing Josie you can't just learn bits and pieces you know you've got to know detail i

mean you can't suddenly go into a discussion about Rembrandt if all you know about him is

that he was a painter you've got to know detail like his nationality Dutch his date of birth 166

when he died 1669 and then there's his most famous works self-portraits the night watch

the rape of gang oh all right all right so you've cracked Rembrandt i just hope

you don't meet a medical student that's all i could end up in that fridge in a little jar

[Music]

[Music]

hello oh Mr karen uh it's uh it's Gemma Palmer i came in to see you a little while ago about a job

yes that's right yes uh well I've I've been doing voluntary work at the Citizens Advice

Bureau well you said it would help me oh no no everything's fine no it's just that um I

wondered if uh a decision had been made that's all ah yes yes fine yes thank you yes thank you

bye what are you looking at you stupid bloody fish why don't you bark or

something oh god it's all so tidy

[Applause]

that's better

go away i I was just passing when a telephone rang in my stomach did you know your coffee

percolator was making calls behind your back i'm having a bad day Danny oh want

to share the egg it's no good Danny we always quarreled at breakfast oh yes i

remember marmalade on the ceilings coffee down the walls cornflakes in the lampshade

and you going to the car with bacon stuck to your shoe get out get out of my life

and take those with you the sound of pajamas on the wing oh yes yeah they were fun days

i uh I would like to be your friend Danny but I can't well why should you i'm eating the egg only

you'd leave me alone i could get on with things what things oh just things life you're 30 i know

i'm 30 and several weeks oh god it's nearly over pass me the poison so what's it like living alone

i've always lived alone no no you had me oh yes on Tuesdays Thursdays and Saturdays your stud

nights we reached the heights didn't we reach the heights you keep telling me that Danny i'm

awfully pleased for you it's just like a woman won't admit anything i asked you to marry me

remember thank you but I want to be alone i don't want to be stuck to a house with a load of sticky

kids gnarled hands and permanent backachche what do you want then what do you want now tell me and

I'll get it for you i want I want exciting mind stirring unpredictable things i want a

fire engine to rush through the flat i want a helicopter to land on my bed i want the phone

to ring and God to be on the other end that might be a bit difficult and sometimes sometimes I just

want everyone to disappear so that there's just me all by myself new unwise unharmed

by you're eating toast i stand here emotionally naked and you eat toast i I listen better on

toast you haven't changed have you no no still the same nice guy will you go away

very neat and tidy your flat looks like a spinster's flat conjures up pictures of

winter in an armchair cat and crocheting and hermetically sealed knickers i'm sorry but

how long do I have to keep on paying for my mistake you're not paying for it you did what

men do i'm paying for it because I don't like what men do then marry me and we'll spend the

rest of our days in glorious fidelity i think I'm going to have a shower oh yeah that's right

that's right have a shower whenever you can't face up the things you have a shower but when

the rest of the world is shouting fire please help you have a shower i'll come with you you

are not coming with me this is my own private flat and just as soon as I have found the last

licorice all sort stuck down the side of the sofa you will no longer be part of it

you don't confuse me you know you think I'll break the door down don't you oh yeah women like

that drama complications they like all that i know about women you know oh yes oh yes i kept ferrets

danny I won't intrude no no it's all right it's all right well everything's running to schedule

we've had our customary row and Gemma is taking her customary sha Danny I'm not an interfering

mother but watching my daughter is rather like watching the news it's just one disaster after

another and I'd be most grateful if if you'd be tolerant with her oh she'll get over this

i want to be alone with my yogurt stage and I think that she's going to want you around

when she does you're a very special lady Mrs palmer yes well I know what it's like being

alone you see I I did it for years life becomes organized and patterned there are no intrusions

so the soap goes there the clock faces that way the curtains hang this way and all you

have to do is to to figure out how to get to your bath without treading on a newly polished

floor i'd much rather my daughter spent her life being harassed by a man see you

Mrs palmer not that I condone what you've done in fact if if you are ever fortunate enough to

marry my daughter I shall promptly turn into a mother-in-law and remind you of it every day

gemma

I'm having a bad day mother well how can you be having a bad day it's hardly even

started yet i woke up full of the skies blue the sun is yellow the

trees are green as soon as I got out of bed I just knew I had a slow puncture

it's this job you're doing at the Citizens Advice Bureau i told you it was depressing i need to do

something i've got to work well you had a job you gave it up you had friends you gave them up

you You had a man you gave him up i I always say one should never empty a vase of flowers

unless you've got some more to put in it and I always say never keep dead flowers in a vase

[Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause]

thank God for that daphne and Chloe they were lovers lovers it sounds though they were battering

one another to death it's Jeffrey's favorite and now it's yours yeah he wants to take me to Rome

why do you want to go to Rome for there's no beach want to show me the works of Michelangelo oh you

mean that ceiling he painted the cyine chapel you know we lay on his back four years painting that

bloody fool you know I feel better now that I know things i feel like I'm quenching me

cultural thirst oh god I'd done me eyebrows all wrong the left hand side of me looks surprised

probably sit in the car tonight listening to Chaikovski and eating chips i wonder

why we grow eyebrows he was a sad man Chaikovski he was shy and sensitive and

queer animals don't have eyebrows i might tell him tonight during the slow movement i

might tell him that I'm pregnant hey have you noticed animals don't grow eyebrows

pregnant oh my god have you told him i'm going to talk to him tonight the thing is I don't

know which to tell him first the fact that I'm pregnant or that I'm a petrol pump attendant

jenna

sorry fish all in a good

cause ah good left a bit of toast now then let's see

tuesdays used to go to bed early and watch the telly remember Tuesdays we We There's no good

looking at me like that my slippery little friend still sulking about the water aren't

you it's all very well for you you don't have things like inflated pride and deflated ego do

you you don't have things like anguish and and and fear and and worry do you no oh well yes of

course i mean when she changes your water well she could drop you down the sink or turn on the

hot tap or something like that but you're not able to anticipate it are you or or fret about

it i mean all that would happen is that well it would suddenly get very dark very hot you're just

a fish you see yeah anyway one thing we do have in common we're both going around in circles as

for Gemma she doesn't care about us she's probably out now wherever it is she works enjoying herself

all you have to do is listen and learn

[Music] [Applause] [Music] you

live your blessing

[Music]

no so [Music] for the sake

It is a [Applause] [Music]

[Applause] [Music] clown [Applause] [Music]

listen to my

[Music]

What kind of salad is it um it's just salad is it cheese salad egg salad or

pork pie salad no it's just salad sorry love we don't do just salad where's the

rest of it no I I don't want the rest of it i just want this you could have a sausage

with it i don't want a sausage with it i don't like sausage pie then look can't you

uh can't you just deduct the price of the pie or the cheese or the egg or the sausage we don't do

that i'll have to charge you full price oh all right then charge me charge me charge me what

you like what should I charge you for cheese salad egg salad sausage salad pie salad right

i'll have the wrong sausage salad and I'll have the rotten cheese salad and I'll have

the wrong pie salad and I'll have the rotten egg salad as well i'll have the rotten lot and

I might as well four wrongs as well and now that we've established that I have a stomach like as

a cement mixer would you kindly lend me a shovel and show me a convenient place in which to be sick

[Music] hi will you get out of my bed there's a good film on tonight

i'll give you two minutes danny have a licorice all sort i saved you the black one danny

want to call your mother i most certainly do

mother do you ever oh ah hello um how are you i'm fine ah I just thought I'd

call is everything all right you sound a bit strange yes yes um everything's fine

uh I uh I've been to the Citizens Advice Bureau and uh then I uh went to a cafe and

um now I'm home and I just thought I'd call there's a good film on television

tonight yes I know i just thought I'd call you keep repeating yourself dear that's the third

i just thought I'd call yes well I'll see you tomorrow yes yes all right see you tomorrow bye

you're putting on weight Danny well women do that when they get older well uh some women

do you're very sure of yourself aren't you you sit there barechested and if I know you bear

everything else totally and unashamedly you sit there with all the quiet subtlety of a marauding

chimp i'm better looking than a chimp that is your opinion i have seen you in the morning

unshaven yawning stretching scratching when all it would take to complete the picture is a banana

you haven't even asked me why I'm here i know why you're here and in a nutshell it's sex you

Danny are completely governed by that part of you which manages to ignore the rest of you and

live a life of its own i am here because I love you oh that yes that yeah and I'm human enough

to have discovered that without that you're only half alive well then as long as it's your lower

half you're all right aren't you i mean is that what you think is that what you really think well

you didn't arrive coily clutching a rose did you you didn't send me perfume notes or sing

beneath my windows no you came in here stripped off with the whole idea of getting the entire

thing over in time to watch the film i did bring flowers and I started to leave a note but it all

seemed such a long way round and here is where we tell the truth not me i only tell the truth

with my clothes on oh okay okay you've got your clothes on i've got mine off so what is the truth

the truth is uh shall I start we naked people are less inhibited

the truth is I want to get back to the way it was oh all right i went out and

had a little try at things okay okay i went out plundering and pillaging

with cries of rape but I mean it wasn't wasn't right it wasn't real it wasn't us

your left shoulder's dropped yeah yeah i know it's

all the grief you look older sort of used yeah yeah that's the way it's been yeah

do you still go to bed with your British Airways socks on

will I have to still check the bath for spiders in the morning well I haven't changed same nice guy

hello Gemma is that you darling oh Julia oh how are you oh darling I'm in such a mess you're

the only person I could think of who lives alone what is it it's Gerald i came back this afternoon

unexpectedly and there he was and there she was darling it was awful can I stay with you

ah well just tonight i I'll sort myself out by tomorrow but the uh the thing is I said

to you didn't I darling is there the perfect man i said well there isn't there just isn't

you can't trust them darling i've already given her a black eye now I'm going to

take the roles and live alone like you darling we'll be all right for tonight

yes yes yes of course you can come around Julia yes of course you can come right away

sorry Danny

[Music]