Original subtitles

[Music]

What do you mean? When you woke up this

morning, you were a different person. I

made some decisions in the night when

you were lying there making noises like

a killer whale. What decisions? What

decisions? To sort things out, people.

Aggravations. So, why am I getting all

this? You're a person and you're

aggravating. Look, look. Could you just

hold it for one moment? Move away. I

stood still and listened to you.

Couldn't you stand still and listen to

me? From now on and I'm not standing

still for anybody anymore. I'm moving

left, right, forwards, onwards. God,

it's your age. You know, women start to

panic once they're 30.

The only reason a woman would panic when

she's 30 is because she's stuck with a

man of 30 and boys at a dismal scene. We

had a good time, didn't we? We didn't.

You did. Only the other day. You said

that when we made love, it was like

having your own personal

earthquake. Don't tell lies when I'm

making love.

Gemma,

huh? You did look

fantastic. Your hair spread across the

pillow, eyes closed, oil on your skin.

Could I sit down for a

moment? And and your pink fingernails. I

like your fingernails. They're sort of

long and dangerous. And when you smile,

your teeth look real. That's because

they are real. Yes. Most teeth go

unnoticed. Your teeth are memorable.

You're like all other men. Do you know

that, Danny? There's nothing original

about you.

All the men that have ever walked into

my life have brought with them the same

credentials. Hungry in the day, tired at

night, and Randy in the morning. Tired,

hungry, all Randy at the moment. I am

boring. I just want to be me. You've

always been you. The undiluted me, the

uninhibited me, by myself, alone,

unattached, unaccompanied me. Okay.

Okay. I'll stay at your place two nights

a week. you at mine three. That's two

nights of you being undiluted and

unattached.

Oh, it's the time of the month. You

know, that's what it is. It's crazy

time. Oh, God. Do you know what it's

like to have that said to you? When

someone says it's the time of the month,

it means you look like it's the time of

the month, even when it isn't.

You got a funny walk. Did you know that?

You'll never make it alone.

Not with that funny walk.

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I said to him, I said, "I'm not the sort

that sits around by the phone waiting

for you to ring, you know." And what did

he say? He just stood there and looked

at me with that deaf look. Yeah. like a

sparrow that's just collided with a

winder. What did you say? I'm not in the

emotional wine- makingaking business. I

said you can't go around crushing me

like a grape.

They're lovely words, Juicy. And what

did he say? He just stood there

jeopardized. I have my pride. I said you

don't have to carry bag to be someone.

Right. Well, what did he say then? Just

because you look like Bakus, I said. Bet

that flawed him. Who's backas? The god

of wine. Oh, what else did he say? Then

he took a deep breath. Don't you think

you've got me where you want me? I said

in future you'll ring when you say

you'll ring. What time is your ringing

then? 11:00.

That's right, Pash. Now, I wasn't going

to answer it anyway. But he won't know

that now that he has a wrong word. Well,

I'll answer it now if it rings and tell

him I wasn't going to answer it.

Wouldn't it be better just to give him

up and find someone who ring when they

say they'll ring? Oh no, I can't stand

people that tie you to time.

Oh god, that's so damn stairs. That's

all I need. Italians argueing to

music here. Do you mind? We can't hear

the phone ring up here.

All right. All right. My apologies for

liking the finer things of life.

[Music]

Hello. You mean you actually told lies

when we were actually making love? Yes.

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Congratulations, you made it for lunch.

You're not just late, Miss Palmer.

You're super late. I'm sorry, Mr.

Campbell. A masked man broke into my

flat last night. You were supposed to be

at the Queensway property at 9:30.

He stole all my jewels. I had to send

Miss Ryder and all my books on Victorian

erotica.

Our clients have decided to buy the flat

and they've asked us to handle the sale

of their old one. And then he raped me.

Get this off to them, will you?

Oh, and Miss Palmer.

[Music]

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Yes. Remember yesterday I came in to

open a new account? Yes. And you said I

jumped the queue, but I said I hadn't.

But you rang your little bell and

flashed your little light and things got

rather nasty. Yes. Well, I want to close

my account.

Good afternoon. I came in here with a

friend a few weeks ago in that corner.

I'm sure you'll remember because we had

a brief little giggle and you delivered

a loud

sh and every time I've been in since

then, your face has taken on the

appearance of a crumpled newspaper.

Well, it occurs to me that in a world

full of people struggling to smile, you

and your face don't exactly make a large

contribution.

Here's your rotten book back.

[Music]

[Music]

Gemma, darling, I don't like you,

Gloria.

and don't give them back. You encourage

people to confide in you and then you go

about like a doorto-d dooror salesman

selling secrets for more secrets.

Really? You drink my coffee. You smoke

my cigarettes. You use my phone. And

then when I find myself hopelessly,

ecstatically, nerves shatteringly ready

for marriage. You and your chest come

along and block the aisle.

I'd like my sweater back.

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Oh dear. He was a nice boy, Danny.

Mother, don't talk as if you were dead.

The right age, right height. He He held

himself well. Good. Well, perhaps he'll

make it at

Crofts. Men aren't easy to find at your

age. Not nice men. I don't want a nice

man. I don't want any man. Oh, it's not

natural. Woman's not complete without a

man.

Mother, what did it do for you, Dad? I

mean, your father was a clever man. He

cured people. He operated on people. He

knew more about the body than all the

others put together. If your father had

gone to your father when he took ill,

he'd have been alive today.

But what about you? Did you never occur

to you? Well, of course I occurred to

me. I I used to think to myself, Morin,

I used to think, what are you going to

do with the bit of you that's left? But

then your father always got me pregnant

in time to stop me having to answer. And

now? What about now? Oh, I'd hoped you'd

be pregnant by now. You see, all

marriage did for you was to turn you

into a human slot machine. And now you

want me to be the same. Yes. Well, I was

born when things were different. things

were normal. A woman loved, honored, and

obeyed. And and now that the wedding

vase read like a threat. Now, you

wouldn't catch your father walking

around a supermarket. The woman did

that. The man used to sit outside in the

car and honk.

That's why at 55, you still want to be

somebody's slave. First dad, then the

kids. Now you've got a dog that makes

you fetch the ball. Look, I have no

complaints about my life. It was about

love. I loved your father. I loved my

children. And I love my dog. And instead

of dad honking outside, you've got him

yapping outside. Mom, it's not for me.

I've done the big emotional bit. Ever

since I was 17, I've been in a perpetual

state of stareyed anguish. Billy

Wayright, Graeme

Smith, Richard Maine. Oh god, Richard

Maine. Oh well, I knew about him. His

voice didn't match his body.

sort of soprano weightlifter.

Yes. Well, they all turn out to be

useless one way or another. That is why

I'm going to be alone. A woman is not

complete without a man. So you said a

woman should go to sleep in a man's arms

and wake up in a man's arms. Oh, I tried

that. It only takes care of the night.

A woman needs children. Children need a

woman. Well, I don't know what it's all

about anymore. I feel as if I've just

arrived from another planet.

Everything's changed. ideals,

principles. Soon men will become extinct

and the world will be full of women.

Baggy trouser Charlie Chaplain women.

Yeah, I feel sorry for men having to

cope with you lot. Well, they won't have

to cope with me. You'll grow hard. At

least I'll grow. What did I do wrong

when I gave you dolls to play with?

Prams, toy ironing board, cookery set.

When you were 11, I bought you a book

about sex.

You took it so well. All the others were

hysterical when they read it.

Mother, you did what you were supposed

to do. You did it well. I'm very

grateful. But what was it all for?

Probably buy a motorbike now and go

careering around like a demented

astronaut.

Mother, I'm very much a woman. I love

sex and babies and marriage and and

love. Well, you got those in all the

wrong order. And if a really amazing man

comes along, one that lets me breathe,

one that that cares for me without

putting a an emotional pillow over my

face, one that that treats me as a

individual, as an equal, one that I can

trust, then I'll marry him. How about

that? They don't make them like that.

Mother, you're catching on. What did

Danny do? I think you're keeping

something from me. Keeping something

from you is impossible. You're like a

little human geer counter. As soon as

you detect something, you make loud

clicking noises. So, why am I clicking

this time?

I went around to see Doria the other

night. Just for a chat, you

know. She spent the entire evening

trying to kick Danny's underpants under

the

sofa. He's

very spontaneous.

How do you know they were Danny's

underpants? All look the same. They had

a large hole in them. When Danny's hit

by sudden passion, he always puts his

foot through them.

Yes.

Well, but men are like that. They can

love a woman with all their head and

heart, but well, for some extraordinary

reason, their body has to keep going out

on the rampage.

Why? Well, that's that's how God

arranged it. Yes. He was a man, wasn't

he? We had no chance. If God had been a

woman, we'd be out having all the fun

and they'd be sitting at home sobbing

over the telephone. I think his idea was

better. Women cry more successfully than

men. It's something to do with mascara.

Do you know something, mother?

I I feel self contained. I feel

wonderfully free. No more men, no more

tears. You won't find me charging down

the aisle towards a white satin grave.

Oh, your father would jump straight out

of his earn if he heard you say that.

Oh, I better be going. You could treat a

wooden fence with that tea. Hang on. I

wanted to help you choose another job.

You're giving up your job, too.

Arnold, you gave me three children.

Every one of them's a migra.

Um, did my phone ring while I was out?

No. Oh, I just thought I'd check. It's

not important. Anyway, I'm back now.

Thanks. I'll kill him. I'll kill

[Music]

[Applause]

him. Sure.

[Music]

O, you're going with

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heal.

Oh, the safest place on earth.

What rubbish. I've never read such

rubbish. A man I might have known. A

woman's most erogynous zone is her mind.

My talented, clever, but unfortunately

male friend.

Oh, you're back, are

you? How do I feel? I feel fine. Just

fine. I attended to all my enemies, gave

up my job, got three others, left them,

and fell off my

bike. I've completely confused my

mother. She thinks I'm a lesbian. How do

I feel? How do I

feel? I feel

frightened. Frightened of being alone.

Frightened of being together, frightened

of being

30. Too old to dance, too young to

die. And you? How about you?

H. Oh,

good. I loved you,

Danny. For you, I could have been just

like my mother. All warm and soft,

wearing the proud, brave hallmarks of

devotion. rough hands, sacrificial

smile, and stretch

marks. But there was Gloria, wasn't

there? Gloria with the

body. I don't know how it survives. It

spends its entire life crawling between

bed and the sun lamp. By the time she's

40, it's going to look like a tobacco

leaf. Where have you left your pants

this time?

And your socks. Oh, those

socks. It was like sharing one's life

with a little resident compost

he got that awful body splash stuff on

again. Oh well. On with the magic

formula. Guaranteed to protect one's

face from the hazards of

life. Oh god, too late.

If you don't mind, I'd like to be alone.

If it rings now, you can tell him I'm

out.

What? At half midnight? Where could you

be at half past midnight? You don't

know, but I've been doing it a lot

lately.

Look, why do you bother? He hasn't rung

for two weeks now. You've become a

telephonic.

Bob Greenley.

What? Tell him I'm out with Bob

Greenley. He was always jealous of him.

[Music]

Gemma. Gemma.

I ain't called to talk to

you. Oh, look. Would you just hold

it? How have you been?

Fine. Two whole weeks. Miss me?

Danny, I've already told you. Oh, yes.

Right. You're going it alone. I don't

want to go it alone.

You did let me down, Danny.

Can I talk to you about that?

Gloria.

Yes, Gloria.

All

right.

Um, can I have a coffee?

[Music]

I loved you. I keep telling you that.

But you slept with her. That's like

looking at an apple and a pear, choosing

the apple, and eating the pear.

What? Look, Gemma, would would you stop

turning this conversation into a

vegetarian shopping list? All I'm saying

is that it just doesn't make sense. All

right, look, I I looked at Gloria. She

looked at me. We She made some sort of

signal. And when that happens, a man has

got to go through with it. Even when

he's in love with someone else. What has

love got to do with it? We're talking

about sex. They're the same thing. No,

they're not. No. One comes and goes

quickly. The other one comes and and it

doesn't go.

Then if you loved me, the one that comes

and doesn't go.

Why do you go out and get the one that

comes and goes quickly? Oh god. A

woman's mind, it sits in her head

gathering all the wrong information,

coming to all the wrong conclusions. A

man is different. He has to be Oh, you

mean he has to be unfaithful? No. Yes.

Yes. That that is part of it. Look, I I

didn't design the goddamn species. Why

am I suddenly taking the blame for all

the hair cracks in the human race?

I can't forgive you, Daddy.

Marry me. What for?

Well, go on. Why didn't you answer?

Well, it's not the sort of response a

man expects when he proposes, is it?

What for? However, since you ask, it's

four keeps.

No more Gloria.

No more Gloria.

Why didn't you ask me all this two years

ago?

Oh, I mean, I just can't get off the

ground with you, can I? Because it

wasn't the same 2 years ago. Or if it

was, I wasn't. Okay. Oh, it's just that

two years ago I would have said yes. Oh,

boy. Now we have synchronization

problems. Look, I' I've lived with you.

I've slept with you. I know you. Now I

want to marry you.

Was she more exciting than me, Gloria?

I don't know what you mean, more

exciting. Well, you used to say when we

made love that you felt as if your

entire body was wrapped in flame. Did it

go up in smoke with her? Of course it

did. Well, I mean, she did come crashing

through the window wearing body shimmer

and spaceman's boots. Look, what does it

matter? You and I weren't married then.

Next time we will be. By that I mean I

mean there won't be a next time because

we will be. Have another coffee. Oh god.

That's just like you have another

coffee. The answer to all things. When

the 4-minute warning goes and everyone

else is charging towards the

undergrowth. You will go up in smoke

with a percolator in your hand shouting

have another copy. Well now where you're

going. Oh god. Here we go again.

I won't ask

again. I don't make offers like this

every day, you know.

[Music]

A woman should go to sleep in a man's

arms and wake up in a man's arms.

[Music]

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Are you sure it didn't ring while I was

in the shower? I told you I was here all

the

[Music]

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time. Heat. Heat.

[Applause]

[Music]