Original subtitles

(Jory, in English): I'm Jory Jordan,

and this is the Sudbury Kids Sport Report On Location.

I'm here with former Bulldog number 69 Shore,

fresh off a narrow win over the Apeldoorn's from Timmins.

Well, you knocked off Donkervoort and Swellengrebel.

Who's next, Dumbledore and Scrappy-Doo?

No answer, eh? Think you're hot shit

cuz you beat a team of guys named by Dr. Seuss?

It's good to be with you, Shoresy.

You've got the EU All-Stars on deck here

and you'll no doubt get pumped by a bunch of dudes

wearing tarps that look like coupon books. Care to comment?

Think Gretzky will ever forgive you when he can't

show his face at Jari Kurri's Midsommar party this year?

They say having a touch of grey is a sign of wisdom,

but how do you think you'll fare having only

a touch of grey matter?

Think your phone would unlock if I used the facial ID

function by pointing it at a 14-year-old

English Bulldog's butthole or ball sack?

Shoresy, the EU's gonna thump you,

it's nothing short of certain,

so, the SKSR asked its listeners

to send us their post-game quotes early.

Connor from Elliot Lake writes,

"Not since I got some ass on my dad's fake grass

have I seen someone get fucked on home turf like that."

Thanks, Con-Man.

And Liz from Manitoulin writes,

"Haven't seen anyone get this embarrassed

in their own backyard since my aunt

tried to piss out a bonfire."

Okay.

Hakohrju, Ruzicka, and Cederstrom.

Is that really the EU roster

or did a cat walk across a keyboard?

Shoresy, how do you navigate your every day emotions

knowing the absolute best your future can offer

is seasonal employment shoveling snow

outside the Rainbow Centre?

Oh!

Gotta run, Shoresy. Something important.

Good luck with the EU, coach.

("Come Towards the Light" by Kilimanjaro playing)

(percussive electronic music)

(rhythmic electronic music continues)

(electronic music continues)

(music stops) (Ziig): It's a bit smaller

than regulation, but it cleans up nicely.

(Miig): Kev will give the ice surface

some TLC and it'll be just like the rink downtown.

It's nothing like the rink downtown, don't be an idiot.

- Do you hate it? - Mm-mm.

Then say something, slut.

Just taking it in.

I love an outdoor rink.

(wind gusting)

Almost like it's breathing, eh?

(Ziig): No, it's not. (Shoresy): Well, all right.

So, you love it?

Never played at this one before.

- It's private. - Owned by the Presbyterian Church.

Recently vacated. - Is it that one?!

Home of the infamous church league.

(Shoresy): This is exactly where this should go down.

There's no dressing rooms here, so the EU will have

to get dressed in the church basement over there,

and we'll have to see if someone living around here

will let you guys get dressed in their house.

What do you think of that, slut?

I fuckin' love it. (Miig chuckles)

Who's Nat talking to in there?

(Miig): The church.

(Cat): We really appreciate

this donation from the Bulldogs.

The church can definitely use it.

We appreciate you letting us use your rink.

It just sits there now. Someone should use it.

Nat, I don't want to sound like the harpy church lady here,

but we don't want a repeat of past mistakes and...

cancelling the church league was ugly for us.

- I saw it on the news. - That story really took on

a life of its own. - They talked about it

on Spittin' Chiclets. - The police were here so much

that the players stopped caring that the police were here.

- Those guys play like psychos. - I've heard.

Clearly a culture problem with the sport.

- Why do you say that? - If even Christian

hockey players can't behave...

Just... we had members of our own congregation

in cuffs on that bench. - Both benches.

We certainly don't want to be on Skippin' Chiclets again.

Zero tolerance policy for fighting. Do you understand?

- Yes. - If it happens,

the police come, and you go.

(Shoresy): All right...

I'm gonna boot him straight in the head.

- Chill. Chill. - I'm gonna boot him straight in the fuckin'-

Chill.

So, we're back in the Sudbury 5 dressing room,

but it's a reasonable hour this time,

and there's no strippers here.

I just wanna give a quick stick tap to all the boys

for building a winning culture.

Not just with Emily... (all): Aw!

(all laughing) (Shoresy): Kev...

(cheering) (Shoresy): Santiago and Jorge...

But for getting involved with youth sports.

(whistle screeches)

(all shouting)

(overlapping arguments)

(Shoresy): And for supporting bums outside the rink.

(indistinct chatter)

That's how you build a winning culture.

(clapping) - That's how you do it.

All right, last practice together on deck here, boys.

Yeah, big skate on deck here now.

I want hard passes, calling for pucks,

practice how you play.

So, we've got the game with the Euros in a few days.

Wanna make sure everyone's on the same page here.

We're gonna do some real bad shit to those guys.

Don't bring your girls, wait a couple days

before you call your parents. This will be bad.

Why, Big Mo?

- Pride on the line. - Yes.

They thumped everybody. They won't thump us.

- Yes. - The North American game

is not dead. - Yes.

Also, because I told Wayne we'd give him something to watch.

Gretzky. Son of Walter.

Brantford, Ontario's very own.

Now, to do what we're gonna do to these Euros, which is...

(players): Some real bad shit.

We need complete faith in each other.

We need complete trust in each other.

We need total buy-in from every guy in this room.

Every single guy.

And, of course,

no hammering ass before the game.

Get it all outta ya now.

So, after practice here, any issues you've got

with each other or otherwise, open it up, air it out.

Let's get our house in order.

Shoresy.

Hey, Jill.

All the boys are coming home for your game.

- Yeah, they told me. - They're all very excited.

Well, they're all acting like girls about it

on the group chat. - They can't wait to see you.

- Well, wait 'til they see this. - I can just imagine.

- Uh-huh. - Laura coming?

- Think so. - How is she?

- Good. - You've got a winner there.

Yeah, I know.

She was the prettiest girl in high school.

- I believe it. - But she didn't wanna be.

She didn't care. - Still doesn't.

I find that so sexy.

You know... we should all hang out sometime.

I haven't seen her in forever.

(Laura): "I haven't seen her in forever."

And then she just messages me on Facebook,

"We should all hang out sometime."

I creeped her photos. She's still super hot.

Do you think so?

I told my friends she looks like Charlize Theron.

What did you say to your friends about it?

That a woman sent me a message saying

she wants to hang out with me and my boyfriend.

What do you think about that?

- What do I think about it? - No.

- Huh? - I said to my friends,

"What do you think about that?" - And your friends think...

That Jill wants to have sex with both of us

at the same time.

Hmm.

But- - No, that's it.

- Maybe- - No, that's it.

- How do ya- - Because if I sent a woman

a message saying I wanted to hang out with her

and her boyfriend... - Yeah.

...it would be to have sex with both of them

at the same time.

So, Jill wants to have sex with both of us at the same time.

Hmm.

If I wanted to have sex with you and Jill

at the same time...

would you wanna have sex

with me and Jill at the same time?

Do you want to have sex with me and Jill at the same time?

What are you doing?

Why are you making that face? - I don't know.

I don't know what's happening.

When I was a little boy, my Dad caught me smoking.

So, he went out and bought a pack of Du Mauriers

and made me smoke them 'til I puked.

- You never smoked again? - No, I continued to smoke.

I was gonna say, I had a smoke with you last weekend.

In fact, I believe it was that day with my Dad

and the Du Mauriers that I became addicted to smoking.

- You shouldn't smoke. - I've smoked off and on

my whole life. - You wanna smoke now?

- No, thank you. - What's your angle here, Palmer?

Just because that method didn't work for me,

doesn't mean it won't work for you.

You want me to smoke 'til I puke?

Smoking's not your poison, young buck.

Your poison is lappies. - Among other things.

- Lap dances? - You love lappies.

(Schnurr): Never seen anything like it.

But we've got the Euros soon.

And we need your full focus.

So, we're gonna put an embargo on lappies after tomorrow.

He's not gonna know what an embargo is.

I know what an embargo is.

I only kinda know what an embargo is, truthfully.

- It means no lappies, right? - Basically.

I understood it to mean no lappies, yes.

- But after tomorrow, you said? - Yes.

So, you think the solution here is...

We get Delaney so many lappies,

he isn't even thinking about 'em while we're playing the Euros.

- Really? - Yes.

- What do you think, Schnurr? - Think it's worth a shot.

Sometimes I think God really sees me.

Delaney, when you're ready,

Octavia will meet you in the VIP.

(rhythmic music playing)

Got 20 bucks?

(music stops)

Get it all outta you now.

(knock at door)

Round three, Gord. Let's go.

(playful music)

- Hello, everyone. - Hello.

In an effort to get our house in order before the big game,

we brought you here to clear the air on an outstanding issue.

Now, we know this is a sensitive topic. Right, Jim?

- Yeah. - But with everyone's honesty

and cooperation, I think we can find a healthy and amicable

solution for all involved. Jim.

- Yeah? - No, that Jim.

What's up, Jim? What's goin' on, buddy?

Jim, me and Jim think you should always follow your heart.

- Settle down. - But you followed your heart

to... I don't wanna say a forbidden place.

- No. - But close to it.

- Yeah. - Jim and I spent the night

together when I was trying to get back at Goody

for banging the hockey mom.

We didn't have sex.

- Jim? - It's true.

We didn't go all the way. - Why?

A decision I stand by today.

Goody, Jim, you've both had relationships with Britt.

- They just kissed. - Some people feel that's more powerful.

- No, they don't. - Some people do.

Jim and I think you should both make your pitch to Britt

and she decides who she likes better.

- Really? - Yeah.

Jim, why don't you begin.

Britt...

Sometimes, I need a map. - Why?

'Cause I get so lost in your eyes.

Unbelievable.

The truth is, I see you,

and I think you're special,

and I just want you to be happy.

If I open my heart to someone, sure

it'd be someone like you.

But if you prefer someone like Goody,

I'd understand.

That's sweet, Jim.

- Goody? - How's the sex?

- Ten outta ten. - There you go.

Britt... you have the floor.

(Pam): Your attention please.

- Big game on deck here, b'ys. - And girls.

It's time to get our house in order.

What's been happening in your relationships,

I don't know what to say for the best.

Maybe there ain't no best to it.

Mercedes in particular.

Never heard nothin' so bad as that.

- What's he talking about? - You're all in unhealthy

relationships, and we're here to unload that baggage

before you play the Euros.

- Query. - What'd you call me?

Why are you two hosting this?

Because we're in the healthiest relationship.

- By what metric? - Oh, I think I know

what he's talking about. So, Hitch slept with

the hockey mom this summer. And even though

I don't like how I found out about it,

I slept with another dude this summer,

so they cancel each other out.

- And that's healthy? - An eye for an eye, old man.

- Strong as oak. - Dolo?

- What it do? - By now I'm sure you knows

Melodie is also seeing the starting point guard

for the Sudbury 5. (in French): Loic. Yes.

(in English): Perhaps you wants to air that out?

(in French): For who? (in English): For each other.

(in French): We're in an... open relationship.

(Hitch, in English): Really? (in French): Yes.

(in English): That's unconventional.

(in French): Not in Qu�bec.

- Oh! - Ah.

(in English): Well, that solves that.

So, you can bang whoever you want?

(Nat): You shouldn't kiss and tell.

It's not me. I'm asking for a friend.

- Who? - You don't know him.

Who do you know that I don't know?

- Lots of guys. - No.

- Okay, it's a girl. - It's a girl?

Yeah.

You said this was about having sex with two people

of the opposite sex. - Yeah.

And it's a girl in this situation?

- Yeah. - So, a girl you know

wants to have sex with two dudes at the same time,

and came to you about it? - Yeah.

- For advice? - Yeah.

So, a girl you know came to you for advice

on having sex with two dudes at the same time?

- Okay, I'm lying. - I know. So, this is about you?

Yeah.

Having sex with two people of the opposite sex?

Yeah.

So, another girl wants to have sex

with you and Laura at the same time?

You got there fast.

- Why would they want you there? - That's what I said!

- Laura's bisexual? - I don't know.

Well, you better find out.

What's up, you fuckin' bisexual?

- Who said I'm bisexual? - Huh?

- You think I'm bisexual? - Give me one good reason

why I shouldn't. - I'm going to bed with you.

Well, a person would have to be a little bit bisexual

to have sex with a guy and a girl at the same time.

Oh, I forgot about that.

- Did you really? - No.

Fuckin'... You're such a fuckin' good time.

A person would have to be a little bit bisexual

to have sex with a guy and a girl at the same time.

All right, so you're a little bit bisexual.

A person might be a little bit bisexual.

Look, you better start speakin' plain

or you're cut off. - Yeah?

Yeah, for like, 15 minutes.

I asked you if you wanted to have sex with Jill and me

at the same time. - I recall.

- You never answered. - Well...

- Well, what? - Fuck, come on.

- Come on, what? - I still can't believe

she wants me there.

She could have sex with just you.

You could have sex with just me.

(Nat): She's good.

She's really good. - And she's so fuckin' hot.

- She is. - Like, she's so fuckin' cool.

- And you didn't answer her? - On what?

- On- - Huh?

On if you want to have sex with her and Jill

at the same time. - Well...

- Well, what? - Come on.

- Come on, what? - Don't be such a broad.

What, you're the big man who wants to have sex

with two girls at the same time. - I never once said that.

So, you don't want to have sex

with two girls at the same time?

Never said that either.

But you're not man enough to tell her that?

- Tell her what? - Tell her what?

That I wanna have sex with her and another girl

at the same time? - No.

Huh?

That you want to have sex with another girl.

(rhythmic music)

- Where's the big man? - Gettin' a lappy.

Where's Palmer?

You didn't mean Palmer when you said, "the big man?"

- No. - Hmm. Thought you meant Palmer.

- Why? - 'Cause he's a big man.

- I meant Delaney. - Delaney's gettin' a lappy.

So, Palmer and Delaney are both getting lappies?

- Yep. - Why aren't you getting a lappy?

I thought it was important in all of this

someone wasn't getting a lappy. - Good. You're a good man.

- Where you goin'? - Gettin' a lappy.

(Jim 3): Thank you for choosing me.

Don't make me regret it.

Guess we should get doing something healthy and amicable?

- Like what? - I like bingo and crokinole.

Hmm. Let's go to the strippers.

(Pam): Your attention, please.

Welcome to day two of getting our house in order, b'ys.

- And girls. - While we all hoped

to get it in order yesterday,

I'm sure none of you regrets watching the Jackass marathon

on Spike TV and ordering tasty takeout wings

from Buzzy Brown's Brasserie.

Michaels, you are in an unhealthy relationship

with Mercedes.

I'm not technically

in any relationship with Mercedes.

Oh, okay. So, then you're not gonna be upset to hear that-

- I fucked the Fridge Twins. - Freezer.

- Doesn't matter. - At the same time?

- Which time? - What?

- Pardon? - I was wondering

why these guys were here.

Today there's a Matrix marathon on Spike TV.

- Why? - Because you're banging Miig.

(in French): Really? (in English): Attaboy.

Mercedes, you know I detest that edgy language, please.

Didn't care then, don't care now.

Right, Mercedes, you slept with a teammate

to get revenge on Michaels, and that is unhealthy.

Wait a minute, you used sex with a teammate

to get back at Hitch for banging a hockey mom.

- Mm-mm, that's different. - How?

(Pam): I only had sex with one teammate.

- Yawn. - So, Michaels, how do you plan

on nurturing the relationship so you can both move on?

I don't need to nurture this relationship.

- Why not? - Because we're not in a relationship!

- Oh? - No!

Because I'm making love...

to Miig. - Ugh!

(in French): Serious? (in English): Attaboy.

So, you're not in a relationship with Mercedes?

- No! - Then you're not gonna be upset

to hear that- - I fucked the Italian guy, too.

Sly Sylvestri?

I don't fuckin' know. (in French): His name is Sly.

(Mercedes, in English): I have him saved on my phone

as a spaghetti emoji.

We are not in an unhealthy relationship,

we are in no relationship!

- Well, that solves that. - I think our work here is done.

So, then I guess you won't be upset to hear that-

Yeah... yeah, you know, yeah, I will.

You know what? This is clearly upsetting to me.

(door slams shut) - Well, house in order, b'ys!

And girls!

(Teppo): What is this?

(Nat): This is where we play the EU All-Stars.

(Teppo): This is a dump. (Nat): This is the north.

We ain't pretty, and we get dirty.

We extended our tour to play... outside?

You wanted the NOSHO North Stars.

I did.

This is where the NOSHO North Stars play.

(Teppo): I will regret this decision.

We'll make sure of it.

(Shoresy): House in order?

- Yes, sir! - Well, Delaney's here on time.

Mercedes is out of the picture for good.

The Britt love triangle is over.

(in French): Really? (in English): Yeah.

B'ys relationships never done so good

as what they does, me son.

Well, and Ol' Gorgeous has got no colour in his cheeks.

Got all the bangin' outta me, Shoresy.

Looks like total buy-in to me!

(all clapping)

All right.

Well, this ship needs a captain

and a couple first mates.

Actually, that sounds pretty gay. What do you think, Mo?

- First mate leans gay to me. - Which is fine, but like-

Just maybe not super necessary.

So, what like, alternate captain?

- Assistant captain. - Huh?

This team needs a captain

and a couple assistant captains.

Well, you heard the man! Jim!

- Yeah. - No, that Jim.

Jim, for meditating the discussion between-

- Mediating. - What?

- Mediating. - For mediating the discussion?

Yep.

Jim, for mediating the discussion

between Goody and Jim so that the love triangle

may be...

flattened...

...we are naming you assistant captain

of the NOSHO North Stars.

Hey, hey, hey! (players clap)

(Shoresy): Schnurr! Schnurr. Schnurr.

For guiding Delaney, Palmer, and Sly

through what can only be described

as a monsoon of lappies,

while never once accepting a lappy for yourself...

we're naming you assistant captain

of the NOSHO North Stars.

(players clap)

Now, Hitch! - Me?!

No, the other Hitch. So dumb.

For hosting the airing out of relationship baggage

between the boys and their girls,

while keeping it simple in your own relationship

so that you bring no relationship baggage

of your own... - Not to mention being

the senior member of this team.

Yeah, a lot of rubber on that road.

You will lead this team before The Great One himself.

Number 99, Wayne Gretzky.

Proud to call him a friend...

...as captain of the NOSHO North Stars.

(players clap)

(crying)

I don't know what to say- (all): Yeah!!

(indistinct cheering)

Got your house in order, bro?

(Shoresy): No.

(tender music playing)

What do you mean, no?

- No other girls. - No?

- No. - Jill's on her way over.

- Come on. - Why?

Why, what? (both): Huh?

- Why no other girls? - You're crafty.

- I'm Laura. - You're trying to get me to say something.

- She'll be here any minute. - Hey...

Do you wanna have sex with another guy?

- No. - Cool.

I don't wanna have sex with another girl.

Cool.

("Crazy Love" by Van Morrison playing)

Let's get a timeshare in New Brunswick

and train foxes.

(chuckles)

(door opens and shuts)

Did you give her a key?!

What's up, big boy?

Hey, Shoresy.

Why aren't you at your dad's?

I can never get the TV working.

What do you wanna watch so bad?

- Shut up. - Try-on hauls.

Can I stay with you guys?

Of course.

Well, we're gonna have to charge you extra.

? She give me love love, love, love ?

? Crazy love ?

? She give me love love, love, love ?

? Crazy love ?

? Yeah, I need her in the daytime ?

? I need her ?

? Yeah, and I need her in the night ?

? I need her ?

? Yeah, and I want to throw my arms around her ?

? I need her ?

? And kiss and hug her kiss and hug her tight ?

(crowd cheers on TV)

? Yeah, when I'm returning ?

? From so far away ?

? She give me some sweet lovin' ?

? Brighten up my day ?

? Yeah, and it make me righteous ?

? Yeah, and it make me whole ?

? Yeah, and it make me mellow ?

? Down into my soul ?

? She give me love love, love, love ?

? Crazy love ?

? She give me love love, love, love ?

? Crazy love ?

? She give me love love, love, love ?

? Crazy love ?

? She give me love love, love, love ?

? Crazy love ?

(Anik): I'm Anik Archambault with BROdude Sports.

Welcome to coverage of the EU All-Stars

versus the NOSHO North Stars.

I'm here with NOSHO assistant coach Morris.

Big Mo, the boys keeping warm?

- Uh-huh. - Where exactly?

House over there.

And the EU?

Church over there.

Northern hospitality, ladies and gentlemen.

Mo, Shoresy declined this interview with BROdude

and I've gotta say, I'm hurt man! We go way back!

He'll get you after the game.

Putting his final touches on the game plan?

Plan's clear.

Well, the team's had plenty of practice time.

What's been the focus?

(Teppo): But North American players are not at the level

they once were.

Our record here proves

that the players here are overvalued.

Certainly not as tough as their reputation would suggest.

These guys are beating the crap out of everybody!

They're playing it better

than we ever played it over here!

I could have done this with little girls.

Got us playing the European game now.

Thank God it's almost over!

The reputation for tough hockey here has expired.

They took away our tools.

We are not scared of them.

This was nothing short of embarrassing.

- A thumping! - Thrashing!

- A walloping! - Merciless beating!

Shellacking!

The North American game is dying.

Overrated.

Verified. Validated. Confirmed.

(silence)

(Shoresy): Here we go, now.

Keith Primeau,

Keith Tkachuk, Billy Guerin,

Brendan Shanahan, Darien Hatcher.

- Scott Stevens. - Yes, Captain Crunch.

These guys are world-class hockey players,

and these guys will fuck you up.

Sure, the style of play may be going,

but that style of player ain't goin' anywhere.

Like a massive part of the success of Canada

and U.S. hockey

on the international stage has been the hitting.

Some guys you put a hockey stick in their hand,

and they become a completely different person.

The guarantee that if you play us, we will hurt you.

They can't help it. They're just born that way.

- Beat 'em up. - They're unbeatable!

You guys are gonna give me something to watch

again this year, right?

(silence)

("Gosh" by Jamie XX featuring MC Moose playing)

(stirring electronic music)

(inaudible dialogue)

? Oh my gosh ?

? Oh my gosh ?

? Easy, easy ?

? Hold it down, hold it down ?

? Oh my gosh ?

? Oh my gosh ?

? Easy, easy ?

? Hold it down, hold it down ?

(electronic music continues)

? Oh my gosh ?

? Oh my gosh ?

? Easy, easy ?

? Hold it down, hold it down ?

? Hold it down ?

? Oh my gosh ?

? Oh my gosh ?

? Easy, easy ?

? Yes, UK massive Yes, UK massive ?

(music continues)

(sticks and helmets clatter)

(music stops abruptly)

Subtitling: difuze

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0