Original subtitles

Georgia, how about you get off your phone and help clean up?

Probably too busy flipping NFTs on a Blockchain.

I know things.

No, I was reading this five-star review of Mom's coffee shop.

-But I'll stop. -Bup, bup, bup. Go on.

"The best coffee ever.

Love seeing a girlboss in the neighborhood."

Ooh, "girlboss"! Haven't heard that about me before.

I've heard, "Do you know this girl, boss?"

After I was caught shoplifting ham.

A whole ham?

We don't have to talk about the ham.

I was just trying to make Christmas special for you guys.

Mom, you're killing it.

You have a 4.9 rating.

That's almost as high as my GPA.

Why isn't it five?

Mrs. Palmer doesn't like that I pointed out

that she went to Arizona State.

Oh, you?

Just one bad review.

What?

I don't give bad reviews. I say stuff in person.

For instance, as a daughter, you're kind of annoying.

But overall, I would recommend.

Aw.

So, uh, what does it say?

Who cares?

It's just some loser at home behind a screen with no friends.

Sometimes he makes it too easy.

Carter, what are you doing tonight?

Six-seven.

I guess it's my fault 'cause I asked, huh?

Georgia, we should get going.

You sure you don't want to go to the movies, Dad?

If I wanted sticky floors and garbage everywhere,

I'd just go to Carter's room.

Come on. You haven't gone out since Eve left.

Hang out with a friend.

I recently read a study about male friendship.

-You read a study? -Okay. I saw a meme.

Hey, Pops. I'm going to play mini-golf

with the Bro DiMaggios. You want in?

Heh-heh. Six-seven.

[? rock theme playing]

[tires screeching]

This jerk, AJ89, gave Klatch one star.

Even the DMV's got one and a half.

So, what did this AJ89 say?

[clears throat] "Not sure what's worse,

the coffee or the fake smile plastered on the owner's face."

But- uh!

My smile's not fake.

It's forced, but it means it when it gets there.

Oh. Hi, welcome to Klatch Cafe.

Hi. I'll take a triple espresso.

Or, as I call it, a panic attack in a cup.

[Riley] Okay.

Well, today we're doing a fun promotion

where you write your Yelp username on a napkin,

and in exchange you get... the napkin.

Never seen you here before.

Yeah, I just moved back recently.

Nice to see all the new businesses,

especially the ones that sell drugs.

Haven't done that since high school.

Or as we called it, Valley Village Extremely High.

[laughing]

Valley Village. Go big V.

[gasps] Ah! Go big V!

Suck it, Burbank High

and your low teen-pregnancy rate.

[laughing]

-I'm Pete Holterman. -Riley Parker.

Parker? Hm. Shot in the dark.

Any relation to Matt Parker?

Of Parker Customs and Restorations?

Oh, God. Are you serving me papers?

Also, he was probably allowed to say it when he said it.

??

Hey, Dad.

-Not now, please. -Look who I found.

Mad Dog Matt Parker.

Pistol Pete Holterman, buddy!

-Hey. -Hey.

-How are you? Man. -Ah.

The first freshman ever got on the varsity team

and celebrated by flushing his own head in the toilet.

-I did. -[Matt] Yeah, yeah.

I haven't seen this guy

since he won Most Improved Player at the fall banquet.

I believe you gave credit to Coach Jenkins,

your teammates, and Ronald Reagan.

Yeah, I thought my life had peaked then,

but turns out America had peaked then.

-Ah. -You met my daughter, Riley,

who works right outside the door here

and lives inches from me with no rent.

Of course. Fellow Valley Village grad.

That's right, that's right.

Well, technically, I graduated from NeverTooLateGED.com.

I'll let you two catch up.

Okay, good. Uh- Sit down, sit down. Sit.

Oh, well, maybe just for a sec.

-Oh, it sure is good to see you. -Good to see you, too.

So, what have you been up to since we both had mullets?

Whose idea was it to put bangs on our neck?

Well, wow. Um, well, I took this, uh, machine shop over from my dad.

Turned it into a custom car shop.

Sadly, a recent widower.

-Oh. I'm sorry. -Yeah. My best work is out there.

-Yeah. Riley seems awesome. -No. The cars.

I was talking about the cars.

Listen, last I heard, uh,

you'd moved back east to go to college, right?

Yeah. Yeah, I was in sales for a while.

-Then I moved to France. -Ooh.

Got really into art, smoking, and being rude to tourists.

Wow, this was going so well,

then you mentioned the F word.

You got a family? You got kids or anything?

No kids, but I married...

my husband, Damien, about 15 years ago.

Wow. So the old balls and chain.

That, I was not expecting.

Honestly, I really appreciate

that you didn't make a big deal out of it.

Well, why would I? That's who you are, right?

It's not like I didn't know in high school.

Everybody knew, man.

You dressed like Boy George a lot.

-Well- Yeah. -Halloween.

Thanksgiving. Choir practice.

Okay.

Look, I think part of the reason

that I was keeping such a low profile

is I didn't know how the guys on the team would react.

Understandable, wasn't the most empathetic of times.

If the coach had seen you fall down from dehydration,

he would have said,

"What, do you want to sit under a parasol?"

Yeah. And if we needed water, he'd say, "What are you, gay?"

Maybe that's what turned me.

Hey, this has been nice. I'm sorry to cut it short.

I got to get going, though.

Oh, it is so good to see you. It really is.

Listen, why don't we get a drink sometime?

Oh, thanks, Matt, but I quit drinking.

That's another story. Also involves a parasol.

Doesn't matter. Thanks.

-You bet. -Ah, heck.

You know what? My husband owns an art gallery.

He's got an opening tomorrow. Why don't you bring Riley?

Perfect. That'd be great.

Is it real art or just people taping bananas to a wall?

No, that's a different party. You're not invited to that.

[? techno music playing]

What's with the music? Is this Klatch after dark?

I'm amping up the vibes, and there's a lot more to come.

I'm looking into mimes.

Well, I think the music slaps, Mom.

And the smoke machine is a nice touch.

What? I don't have a smoke machine.

Or fire insurance!

She's never gonna let those bad reviews go.

You know what we could do?

Drive to Tijuana and get veneers?

What? I thought there were no bad ideas.

Clearly, there are.

We can write a bunch of fake good reviews

to bury the bad ones. It's called review farming.

It's like when they hire some hot girls

to stand outside the club.

Then when you get inside,

ain't nothing but dudes and fours.

Alright, how's this for a review?

"I love Klatch Cafe.

"Fun fact. You know who drinks decaf?

De-cows."

And send.

-How many have you done? -Including this one? One.

But don't worry, I have a good one coming up

where I rhyme latte with hottie.

"No. Ask Carter to help.

He's your brother. It'll be good."

Whoa! You guys look great. Party or night court?

We were invited to an art gallery.

Your grandfather has a gay friend.

You don't need to qualify that.

I don't introduce you as my divorced, broke daughter.

True. You leave the daughter part out.

That's very open-minded of you, Pops.

Is your friend gay or queer?

You can't say that word.

Oh, is your "associate" gay or queer?

These days, a lot of LGBTQ people prefer the word queer.

Okay. The only time the letter "Q" should be used

is when it's preceded by "BB."

The real Q is,

how does Grandpa have a friend?

You know, for your information, I have a lot of friends.

I just don't like any of 'em.

??

[gasps] Oh, wow. This looks great.

What a hip crowd.

So many fun hats and glasses.

So, this is where they all go between protests?

Dad, let's not make assumptions.

How about this?

If you get an impulse to say something rude,

just say, "Hmm, food for thought."

-Mad Dog! Oh, oh. -Hey. Oh.

Come here, come here. I'm so glad you guys made it.

-Matt, Riley. -Ah.

This is my husband, Damien.

Damien, Matt Parker, good to meet you.

Nice to meet you. And I thought I married out of my league.

Oh!

Riley is his daughter.

Oh.

A dependent that I can't take off my taxes.

The gift that keeps on taking. That's what I call her.

I'll set you up with our CPA.

We write off our kids as employees of the business.

[whispers] We have no kids.

[high-pitched] Which is why we have a boat.

Pete tells me you work on cars?

Well, yeah, like Botticelli "works on" canvas.

Matt is a designer.

His shop resto-mods custom vehicles.

I told you this.

Ah. Uh-oh. I'm in trouble.

Well, you're both in the arts.

You curate these amazing exhibits,

and my dad's design sketches are works of art themselves.

I'm sure they are.

Maybe we'll have to do an exhibit of his car sketches.

[chuckling]

No one else is laughing. Sorry.

I thought you were joking.

[both chuckle]

Damien can be a bit of an art snob.

Mm.

He called Michelangelo's David an "Equinox six."

Yeah, well-

No, I understand that. I'm more of a car snob myself.

An AMC Gremlin is actually scarier than the movie.

Everyone's an artist these days. It's all Subway's fault.

But I suppose if those minimum wagers

can call themselves sandwich artists,

you and the guys at Jiffy Lube can call yourselves car artists.

Oh.

Food for thought.

??

Okay. How many reviews have you done for my mom?

I did ten. Carter's done two.

We're still very proud.

I started last night with, uh,

"The coffee at Klatch Cafe is incredible,"

but it sounded so impersonal.

So I went online to look up synonyms for "incredible."

Four hours later, I'm on eBay buying

Pop Rocks from a Norwegian kid named Bjorn.

Stitch?

-I ain't do none. -None?

But wait a minute.

I got a good back story for my reviewer.

Her name is Renee. She's a divorcee from Temecula.

She took to pumpkin spice

to ease the sting of her cheating husband, Stan.

Mad respect to the character work, though.

Well, can Renee type, "Great coffee,"

click five stars and submit?

We need reviews!

Wait a minute. You gotta give Renee a break.

Stan left her for her sister.

Her older sister!

[sighs]

I should have paid for Russian bots.

??

[Pete and Matt laughing]

Nothing to do with anything.

You two are having fun.

[laughing] I'm sorry.

We'll be good.

You're kind of pulling focus.

Come on now. Don't get jealous.

Although, thanks to football,

I did shower with Matt before I showered with you.

Okay, so what do we think this artist is trying to say

with this painting about these post-apocalyptic female figures, hmm?

If you turn it upside down, does the dress come off?

'Cause I had a pen like that once.

Dog! [laughs]

Matt, uh, clearly you have some thoughts.

Do you want to share?

Matt here considers himself an artist.

Some draw inspiration from the greats

like, um, Henri Matisse.

Matt doodles cars.

Well, I get my inspiration from "Henri" Ford.

And, uh... it's good.

Okay, so no thoughts on the distortion of perspective

to comment on the treatment of women in a patriarchal society?

I'm surprised that an artist like yourself

doesn't have a take on that.

-Well, it's uh, food for thought. -Mm. Follow me.

I'm sorry. I love him,

but sometimes Damien can be a little... extra

when he's holding court.

And at Gelson's.

And at Barry's Bootcamp. They moved him to the back row.

That's okay.

What are you doing?

I'm doing exactly what you asked me to do.

I know, since when do you listen?

I didn't want you to be a jerk.

But if someone else is being a jerk, you know,

unleash the jerk.

It's not my place to say something in his gallery here.

Hang on.

Are you not calling him out because he's gay?

No. Pete's my friend, right?

And I don't want to make a scene in here.

Sometimes, honey, you got to turn the other cheek.

Yes, I heard that.

Are you sure? Because treating him differently

than you would a straight person

is a different kind of prejudice.

If I don't call him out, I'm a bad guy.

If I do call him out, I'm a bad guy.

This is why I don't go out.

Let's just please do the Irish goodbye.

And don't tell anybody I said it that way.

??

Whoa! Are you making a French exit?

Oh, no. We were trying to do the Irish goodbye.

The French exit would be a surrender, wouldn't it?

-Thanks for tonight. -Yeah, thanks.

And, uh, Damien,

I did get tipsy and bid on the lady skeleton painting.

If I win, there is no possible way I can pay for it.

Thank you for stopping by. And I know that fine art

is not the forte of someone who owns a body shop.

-RuPaul. -What? Ugh.

Oh, that's our safe word in case he's getting too mean.

You know, Damien, um, if you'll remember,

I'm a custom car designer.

I design, I implement, I manufacture,

I make dreams come true.

The best I can see in here

what you do is hang other people's paintings.

Oh. [chuckles] Perfect. Just in time for the show.

Yes, I will take one, too.

I wish I could.

I've never needed one more.

Matt, continue.

I'm a member of the Broad Museum downtown.

I'm also aware of Basquiat's exhibition down there,

which reminds me of some of the work here,

because these people are copying it

and making bad knockoffs of his art.

Oh no. Pete's old football buddy gives the exhibit a frowny face.

I don't like being defined by a stereotype. Nobody does.

And just because people have a skill set

that you may not understand,

it does not mean that they're not artists.

Pete, it was good to see you. I wouldn't feed him after 12.

I think he is a gremlin.

And I'm keeping this flute. Oh, that's right.

I called it a flute!

Oh, hey. How was the art show?

It was interesting.

The good news is your grandfather

wasn't the most offensive person there.

Oh, no. Mom, what accent did you do?

Did you notice Klatch is at a five-star rating?

A lot of great new reviews.

Yeah, from complete strangers.

Like that one from Yaboi09.

Yeah, well, AJ89 posted a new one, too.

"I like how the owner has a tip jar.

Here's a tip, do your job."

What's your beef with AJ89? Kind of makes sense. [chuckles]

You can't keep obsessing.

The best way to win over AJ89

is to give them something for free.

Uh, I don't negotiate with terrorists.

Then why did Georgia get a raise on her allowance?

??

Morning, Andy. You want your usual?

Yeah, and I got your email about a free cake pop.

Now, as a rule, I try to avoid foods on a stick.

As another rule, I do not turn down free cake.

Oh my God, you're AJ89?!

How do you like this "vibe"?

Well, I'll be honest, I do not.

Why did you write all those reviews

about how terrible this place is?

Oh, I don't write reviews. I'm a lawyer.

I put nothing in writing.

Okay, so you didn't write this?

"The vibes at Klatch Cafe are super cringe.

One star."

Mm-hmm. Case closed. You just got Matlocked.

"Cringe." Oh, my God, that's gotta be Penny.

-Who's Penny? -My teenage daughter.

Cringe is her favorite word.

It was delulu, which is now apparently cringe.

She hates that we stop here every day on the way to school.

Oh, God, I'm so sorry for smashing your cake pop.

And for putting a laxative

in the cake pop I was going to give you.

No, no, I am sorry. I will take those reviews down right now.

Ugh, thank you.

So why do you stop here every day?

Well, my daughter says

it's because I have a crush on the cute barista.

She said that?

I added the cute.

My God, you're so cringe. And so right.

And also sweet and charming.

And maybe somebody you'd go to dinner with?

Oh, um, I guess that kind of depends on- Yes.

Well, that's great... for me.

My daughter is going to be pissed.

Maybe don't read your reviews for a couple of days, huh?

Oh, Andy, um, before you go,

let me give you a good cake pop.

Wait, are the pink ones the safe ones or the blue ones?

Everyone, cake pops down!

Ooh! Alright. Alright, Stitch.

We're gonna get the leather finished on the steering wheel.

And, Gabe, we got to get this engine right.

-Hey! Mad Dog. -Oh, God.

Hey, just hit me with that wrench. Go ahead.

-What? No! -Give it to me. I'll do it.

Hey, Pete. Good to see you.

Looks like you brought the aptly named Damien.

Yeah. You know, no one has ever called me out

the way you did in my own gallery.

It's punk. I love it.

Well, I'll be happy to do it here in my gallery.

That is why my way too patient and loving husband

insisted we come down so that I could tell you

to your face that, uh, what you said was refreshing.

The only other thing I've ever heard him call refreshing

is when there's a no children policy at a restaurant.

-Mm.

-Is that actually a thing? -Oh, Cocino in Beverly Hills.

Really? What kind of food do they have?

Never mind. I'm in. I like it.

I like you, Matt. Most people at my exhibits

are sheep who just nod along to whatever I say

because I'm the gallerist.

And because you throw a tantrum when they don't.

Oh, right.

By the way, oh, this is amazing.

I mean, I haven't seen lines this beautiful

since Pam Anderson stopped wearing makeup.

Well, I always think creativity comes from God.

I can only take a little bit of the credit.

Well, it's pretty spectacular.

I mean, it's like classical influence,

you know, with a touch of danger.

Like, um, oh, Ed Hopper

-meets Dennis Hopper. -Dennis Hopper.

-There you go, yeah. -Yeah.

You know what they say. Good artists copy,

great artists steal, with a little bit of help.

Oh, can I just wave from here?

Does he like me?

Nah, he's looking at all this chocolate.

??

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