Original subtitles

[CROWD CHEERING]

VAN MILLER: Twenty seconds left in the game.

Flutie back to pass. He has Price over the middle.

No! He can't get a handle on it.

[BOOING]

And that'll bring up third and 20.

If they can't score in the next 14 seconds,

this will be the end of the season for the Bills.

Terry, come on. Get in there. Hit somebody!

Dougie, if you smell a blitz, dump it off to Thurman.

Whatever you do, don't run the ball yourself.

You're the boss.

That's right.

Let's go wide right, 74, screen left H.

On one, on one. Ready?

TOGETHER: Break!

All right. Let's go. Let's put this one on ice.

Hut!

ANNOUNCER: Flutie back to pass with the game on the line!

He swings it out to Thurman Thomas at the 20.

He has blockers. And at the 15, the 10, the 5.

THOMAS: Move! Move!

He is in the end zone for the touchdown,

and the Bills are in the playoffs!

This is some team. I've never had it like this.

I've had it in pieces,

but I've never had it all together like this.

Get the second string in there

before someone breaks a leg, I have to shoot myself.

For the extra point? Now. Let's go!

Right, coach.

Second string, you're in. Get out there now!

[LAUGHING]

BILLS PLAYER: Let's go, baby!

Johnson, what the hell are you doing?

I'm pretending like it's for me.

[ROCK GUITAR PLAYING]

d Now look at them yo-yos That's the way you do it d

d You play the guitar On the MTV d

d That ain't workin' That's the way you do it d

d Money for nothin' And your chicks for free d

d Now that ain't workin' That's the way you do it d

d Let me tell you Them guys ain't dumb d

d Maybe get a blister On your little finger d

d Maybe get a blister On your thumb d

d We got to install Microwave ovens d

d Custom kitchen deliveries d

d We got to move These refrigerators d

d We got to move these Color TVs d

[MAN VOCALIZES]

d Uh d

d Got to install Microwave ovens d

d Custom kitchen deliveries d

d We got to move These refrigerators d

d We got to move These color TVs d

Well, I've had about enough of this.

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

MAN: Listen up, guys.

Let me ask you a question, gentlemen.

Who are you people?

I mean, this can't be the same defense that I saw on Sunday.

Have you been reading your own headlines?

Because I've got news for you.

The way you practice is the way you're gonna play.

And you keep playing like this,

the only pass you're gonna see will be on television.

You can come over to my house,

I'll make little sandwiches for you.

That what you had in mind? Let's pick it up!

All right, Dave. Run it again.

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

COACH #2: All right, men. You heard him. Let's go!

They're gonna let up.

Mr. Conners. Yeah?

What's the rules about picking up a player now?

You get to pick up one free agent a week during the playoffs.

Good. Get me a quarterback.

Someone who can throw the deep ball,

because that's the only chance that San Diego has to win.

They're certainly not gonna run against us.

That's a tall order at this late date.

Look, son.

You want me to take care of it? Because I will.

I've been dying to do both jobs, just so you know.

Now get me a big arm.

Because tomorrow, we're gonna throw the ball all day long,

and I'm not gonna waste my quarterbacks doing it.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Mr. Pewty. Yeah.

Hi. Dan Heller, from Highland Insurance.

Dan Heller? I can't believe this!

"Give 'em hell" Heller.

You come into this house right now.

Can't let the man stand out in the cold, Rog.

This is a Notre Dame man.

So I've been told.

So in my junior year, I lived right down the street from you.

And at the big USC game,

I waved at you, do you remember?

And you waved back.

Hon, this is supposed to be about insurance.

Roger.

I like football as much as the next guy.

Michigan football.

So do you think you can answer the question I asked?

Uh, I don't know what the cash value will be in 20 years.

Like I said, I'll run it on the computer when I get--

No, no, no, it's all right. Forget it.

Just tell me where the company invests the money.

Well, I have that in here, somewhere.

Stock-based funds, junk bonds, bond funds, football cards?

Knock it off, Rog.

I just wanna hear one benefit,

concisely explained, and he hasn't done that.

Do you know why he hasn't done that?

Because his company thinks we're gonna roll over

just because they trot an NFL washout

into our living room.

MARGIE: Honey, please.

I, uh, have that brochure.

It, uh, explains a lot of the information that you were--

You have no idea what you're selling, do you? Do you?

I mean, be honest.

You thought I was gonna meet you at the door

with pen in hand, ready to sign.

I mean, that's it, isn't it?

Right?

Yeah.

I'm pretty sure that's what they had in mind when they hired me.

You're right.

But I think both you and my boss

have overestimated the ex-jock appeal.

I mean, at this stage of the game,

I'd put on a helmet and shoulder pads

if it meant closing the deal

because, as you can see, I'm not very good at this.

But, hey, I'm a guy who lost millions of dollars

trusting managers and agents,

so how good a businessman can I be, right?

Look, pal, just--

As long as we're telling the truth:

Roger, buddy...

You're an ass.

I mean, I may be the salesman from hell,

but I'm a guest in your home,

and you're treating me like crap and embarrassing your wife.

It's unattractive, Rog.

And I know it's just insecurity and sexual inadequacy,

but that's no reason to jump all over me, is it?

Is it?

No. Of course not.

So there. Everything's out in the open.

I'm a has-been, and Roger's a bastard.

Now, people, please, can we talk insurance?

[SIREN WAILING IN DISTANCE]

Finally! I've been waiting forever for you to get home.

You'll never believe who called. Never.

Ooh, I'll take that. No time to talk.

Jump in the shower, and I will fill you in.

Woo-hoo!

Hi, honey. I'm home.

What's this?

I'll tell you while you're in the shower, babe. Hurry up.

No, no. Come on, Connie. Stop. Now, what's with all this?

Okay. Guess who called me today.

Bill Conners, general manager for...

You're not gonna believe this,

the Buffalo Bills.

What? No way. Chuck Dichter?

I didn't talk to Chuck. I talked to Bill Conners.

He wants you to report first thing in the morning,

and the great thing is that I have vacation to burn.

So I can go with you, we can hang with Gerry and Larissa.

This is so perfect.

Uh-uh. Uh-uh-uh.

"Uh-uh"? As in "no"? What do you mean, no?

Well, you can stop packing, because we're not going.

Why not?

Come on, Connie. Think about it.

Buffalo has three very healthy quarterbacks

and a coach who hates my guts.

Why, on a Wednesday night before a playoff game,

would they want to sign me?

Because you're the best damn quarterback out there.

To throw my arm off in practice and release me, that's why.

Dan, this is an opportunity. Wow.

I thought you'd be excited. I'm certainly excited.

Excited? Yeah.

Because some team wants me for their taxi squad?

You think I have no pride left at all?

And you know what this will look like?

Like I need the money so bad,

I'll eat dirt for league minimum.

That's what it'll look like.

Danny, we don't have time

to argue about this logically, okay?

Why don't we go to Buffalo,

and if you still feel the same way, we'll come right back.

Okay? Stiff Chuck for the airfare.

What have you go to lose?

Forget it.

I'm sorry, babe. I know you mean well, but--

Dan, you have no idea what they have in mind. Okay?

This could very well be a break.

And as long as you brought it up,

yeah, we do need the money that badly.

I mean, just a few weeks' work

could give us a little bit of breathing room.

That's not fair.

[SIGHS]

Round two.

[SIGHS]

Sorry. I didn't mean to go off like that.

No, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to push so hard.

I mean, it is your career. I knew it was a long shot.

I just thought it'd be a nice break

from the insurance business. That's all.

Hey, you knew I was trouble when you married me.

I love you.

I love you too.

Dan Heller?

That's the man you go out and get for me?

You wanted a big arm, I got you a big arm.

He stinks, and I don't like him.

And you know I don't like him.

It was the last minute, and he was available.

What can I say?

And, hey coach, last thing I wanna do

is make you too happy with the team.

Well, I'm just thrilled to know you're looking out for me,

but making me unhappy is my wife's job.

For crying out loud, Bill,

I'm trying to win a championship here.

I hope you're amused.

[SNICKERS]

DICHTER: Morning.

Here's your locker.

Anything you need,

I might not be able to get it for you,

but I damn sure know where it is.

What jersey number you want?

Thirteen, if it's no problem.

I have to see if I have it in red.

Our QBs wear red, as in "stop,"

as in "hit this man, you die."

Here's your playbook.

Playbook-lite.

Ernie?

Ernie Weathers, Dan Heller.

We almost played together in Arizona.

MAN: Wait one minute. I know that.

Oh, no.

Oh, hell, no!

I must need my eyes checked, because the Dan Heller I know

would have called somebody, would have wrote a letter.

Mr. Fullerton, I presume!

How you doing, man?

Oh, God, what are you doing here?

What--? You on the team?

Record snow fall today in hell.

That's great. That is great.

Where they got you staying? What, the Adams Mark?

Yeah.

Get your stuff. You're staying with me.

Okay? Oh, man. It's good seeing you.

Dan the Man.

Yeah, well, don't blink your eyes.

Coach, the shirts we ordered for the playoffs just came in.

Let's see. What else? Oh, yeah.

The new quarterback wants 13.

He does?

But I don't have it in red.

He won't be with us long enough to have a number.

Doesn't anybody have the balls to tell this guy why he's here?

Here.

Let him practice in the Chargers jersey.

That should give him some idea.

[LAUGHS]

Ger.

Yeah. What's up?

Do you recognize these plays?

I think you're being paranoid.

Okay, look. I grant it. It's not our book,

but maybe they're new plays for the playoffs.

For me?

Don't look at me. I just work here.

Oh. These are San Diego's plays.

I'm a San Diego Charger. No, I'm the San Diego Charger.

No, he wouldn't do that to--

Uh-huh.

Oh, look at the time. Look at--

I'm late for practice.

Uh-huh. Yeah.

I'll see you on the field.

Oh, yeah.

Maybe we can get a drink or something.

Sounds great.

Where you staying again?

I'm staying with you, Ger!

I'm joking.

Uh-huh.

Oh, this is great. Beautiful.

Uh, that's maybe not a good idea.

Can't help but get me noticed.

Hey, coach.

Oh, hi, Heller. How's it going?

Fine. How do I look?

Perfect.

Awfully nice to have you with us.

It's great to be here.

It's a little late for Halloween, ain't it, Heller?

Funny guy, Doug.

Yeah, he is.

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

First-string offense, red-zone drills!

Defense here, against the San Diego formations.

Second string, all on the field!

You're on, kid.

Okay.

Treat him right. This is a friend of mine.

Yeah, I know, guys.

My practice jersey's out being tailored.

Dan Heller, meet the second unit.

We'll start with Randy "not the baseball player" Johnson.

The three blocking out the sun,

we got Ben Anderson, Jeff Vandevier,

aptly-named Carl "Big Daddy" Harris.

What's up?

The talkative chap over here

is ex-Pro Bowler Ernie Weathers,

"Mr. Clean" Calvin Strong,

baby-faced rookie right here. That's Tim Hobbs.

Fullback, we have Curtis Hooks.

And at the halfback,

the one, the only Lenny "Hands of Stone" Voyles.

[LAUGHING]

Very funny.

And I am Don Pardo.

Thank you, Don.

Okay, guys, we got a request in from Tammy, Donna and Alice

to run the old split left, X in at 15, on one.

Split left, X in at 15. Ready?

TOGETHER: Break!

PLAYER #1: All right, now.

Double stakes, double stakes.

[MEN VOCALIZING]

Ready! Red 18!

Red 18! Set! Hut!

Come on! Get him!

Oh, come on now!

Here, here! Stay with him!

Drop back! Yeah!

Come on! Are you kidding me?

You're still the man.

DICHTER: That's just great!

That is just great.

Jackie, what the hell was that? What was that?

We had it covered, coach.

QB just had all day to throw.

I don't want excuses. I want pressure.

Where was the pressure? I wanna get to the quarterback.

There's no contact on the QB, coach.

No contact, my ass. We got a game to win on Sunday.

Live on the quarterback.

And God help you if that ball crosses the goal line again.

I'm not out here for my health.

Let's go.

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

Wow, this is great.

I love how you decorated it.

I just think this is beautiful.

Thank you. We love it.

I am just glad you are here, and I don't care what it took.

Oh, he was a little reluctant.

Him and his pride.

You and I both know

there's no place he'd rather be right now than on the field.

DAN: Hut!

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

Way to break on the ball!

Oops.

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

VANDEVIER: Huddle up.

What the hell was that about?

Hey, it's a contact sport.

We will be excellent by Sunday, gentlemen.

Bill.

Great arm.

[PLAYERS CHATTERING]

[CHATTERING CONTINUES]

See you later, man.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Some rich guy throws a party every year

for the first-string offense and the backup quarterbacks.

They all get Rolexes.

Huh.

What about the backup, backup, backup quarterback?

[CHATTERING]

These guys are starving, man.

If we don't feed them soon, they're gonna kill me.

I'm shucking as fast as I can. I'm almost done.

[INDISTINCT CHATTERING]

There. Go.

Are you sure these are cold enough?

Yeah. They're great. There. Go. Go.

When are you gonna be finished?

I don't know.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Pass them oysters down here, please.

Hurry up. I'm starvin'.

Yeah, that's fine, but don't eat everything.

Yeah, these are bluepoint oysters. Best money can buy.

Yeah.

I love them.

DAN: Oh, baby, yeah. That's it.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, baby. Oh, yeah.

That's it. That's the spot. Right there.

Would you shh?

They're gonna think we're in here doing it.

Oh, yeah. Oh, baby! Oh-- Ow!

I'm sorry.

I gotta get the lactic acid out, you know.

Just keep my lactic acid where it is.

You're killing me.

I'm sorry, baby.

I gotta work on you hard. You're all beat up.

Yeah. Chuck declared open season on me.

I think I made his day.

[SIGHS]

Oh.

Mmm. I'm sorry.

Did you have fun? It was okay.

"It was okay." Come on!

You guys are like kids in a candy store out there.

You loved it. Admit it.

"Yeah, everybody did their job today.

Everybody worked hard."

What a load of crap!

You love putting on those pads.

You loved hooking up on the bomb

with Gerry, didn't you?

And you really loved showing Chuck

that you could take the hits, didn't you?

Yeah, but did I have to show him that much?

Oh, my God, you are such a baby.

You say it to me. Say it to me.

Say what? Say, "I love football."

Say it. Say it. I love it. I love football.

I love-- I... I...

love... love...

football. you.

And football. Very good.

You don't love football more than me, though, do you?

Uh-uh.

I'm still your main squeeze, right?

You have no idea.

I trained you well.

Mmm.

You go out there tomorrow and you kick ass

and you show Chuck Dichter what you can do.

Oh, yeah.

[SIREN WAILING]

[MOANING AND GAGGING]

I want blood on all of them.

Rush it to the lab. Tell them it's the highest priority.

Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.

All right. Breathe.

[GROANING]

I guess somebody should call someone.

MAN: I'm sick!

NURSE: All right. It's gonna be all right.

Yeah, Orchard Park. Buffalo Bills, please.

Yes.

Yeah, go Bills.

[SIGHS]

WOMAN ON P.A.: Dr. Brockman to radiology.

What's up, Phil?

Looks like our boys ate some tainted oysters, coach.

Yeah?

It's a very rare form

of Vibrio Vulnificus food poisoning.

It's an aggressive strain

that resists tetracycline and ampicillin--

I don't care about this.

All I want to know is how long?

Well, different serotypes

produce the disease using different mechanisms, so--

Phil, do I look to you

like a guy who went to med school?

Please, let's cut the crap and just answer the question.

Sunday, Phil! Players. Help me.

People recover from stuff like this.

Money is no object.

I need those players this weekend. Come on.

Not this weekend,

not this month, I'm afraid, coach.

This is a tough one for the human body to deal with.

These human bodies are gonna have to deal with it.

Get all your people here now and get this thing fixed.

Because these guys are not done.

They can't be.

They are not done.

Ugh. I've read the rule book forwards and backwards.

There's no hidden shellfish provision, trust me.

There's nobody left. Look what you left me with. Nobody.

Me? You're the one who said you wanted to win now.

You wanted an all-star offense,

so I got you one.

Now our whole salary cap's lying in the hospital,

so don't point that finger at me.

I have no players, Bill.

I haven't even got a place kicker.

There's nobody we can win with.

Well, we can pick up a player next week

and another one for the Super Bowl.

Lucky for us,

we used this week's to pick up a quarterback.

Lucky? Did you say lucky?

I had it all in place.

This was the year, finally, for the Buffalo Bills.

And now you're telling me

that the thing I worked all my life to accomplish

is being taken away from me by oysters--

By a plate of freaking oysters.

Lucky or not, we have a quarterback.

Yeah.

We're gonna get him ready.

Okay.

Not the Patriots, not the Dolphins,

but something on a cracker that you put cocktail sauce on

has virtually given the Buffalo Bills

no chance at moving on in the playoffs.

What?!

Maybe not even the Buffalo Bills

can circle the wagons this time.

What happened? Wait!

Our sources tell us

that Dan "Give 'em hell" Heller,

a quarterback out of football for years,

just signed yesterday,

is gonna start for Buffalo Sunday against the Chargers.

We have with us in the studio

another quarterback who didn't play last year,

but I think you know him

a little bit better than Heller.

Three-time Super Bowl winner Tommy Baker.

Tommy, good to see you.

How much trouble is Dan Heller actually in?

He's in big trouble, Chris.

Dan Heller was a heck of a college quarterback,

but he never made the transition

to the speed of the pro game.

He's got an offensive line that hasn't played together.

And I think Joe Namath has better knees.

So you add it up, and I'd say Dan Heller is in huge trouble.

Tommy Baker, you're a horse's ass!

You have to score points, and I don't think this team can

with a backup quarterback

who's never won a big game in the NFL.

There you have it. the Swami Jr. has spoken.

Did he just say what I think he said?

I believe he did.

Are you sure about that? Yes, I am.

Are you kidding me?

[PHONE RINGING]

I guess that's for me.

MAN: Okay, forward!

I'm telling you, coach. I can't do this.

I haven't kicked a football since high school.

You're the only one with any experience on the team, Johnson.

Experience?

I had one field goal in six tries, coach.

If you think I'm gonna go on national TV

and humiliate myself in front of--

Don't argue with me, Johnson. Just kick the damn ball.

That's quite the style you got there, Johnson.

Much better! Much better!

One more time.

Oh, man, I hope he catches better than he kicks.

Randy's a hell of a blocking tight end,

but Chuck doesn't pass him the ball,

so to say he's rusty would be an understatement.

Oh, what else we got?

Um, okay.

Jeff and Big Daddy. They're solid.

They'd be starters on most teams.

Bad news about Hobbs, the left tackle.

You have a rookie protecting your blind side.

Terrific.

A screwup rookie at that.

He's been in Chuck's doghouse so long,

he's added a rec room.

Well, why doesn't Chuck give him the heave-ho?

Because he's probably the best athlete on the team.

Well, tell me I have a running game.

Uh, well...

Curtis is like Randy.

A devastating blocker, but never touches the ball.

[SIGHS]

There's Voyles, a promising rookie,

but because of the fumbles,

he occupies the east wing of Chuck's doghouse.

I still get mail forwarded from there.

His fumble in the Fiesta Bowl

that cost this team the championship?

Yeah. Been mental ever since.

Oh, what's the deal with Weathers?

He was a great player. Still is.

Took him less money to come here as a free agent.

Then we draft Kosinski.

Has an unbelievable preseason,

wins the starter spot.

Must be a bitter pill for Ernie

to finish his career on the bench.

He wanted to go out a winner.

Well, I got bad news for him.

COACH: Let's go, ladies!

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

d Gotta make enough noise To wake the dead d

d It's going on in my head d

d Back from the land That time forgot d

d There's a party In the stadium parking lot d

[SHOUTING]

d There's a party going on d

Yeah!

d ...wave d

d O'er the land d

d Of the free d

d And the home d

d Of the brave d

VAN MILLER: I have never heard a home crowd more quiet.

Defense, gather round. Gather round.

Bring it in, D. Bring it in.

Now listen, gentlemen.

I've asked a lot of you in the past.

But today, you've got to be defense and offense.

You gotta deny them points, and you gotta score points.

If there's any defense in the league

that can pull this off, it's this one.

Now get out there, play hard and let's bring back a W.

Let's go! Let's go! Let's go!

[ALL GRUNT]

[HORN BLOWS]

No mistakes. Hold on to the ball.

Remember, I'd rather punt it and take my chances...

[YAWNS]

than turn it over.

Good luck.

Hey, look. Goose bumps.

VAN MILLER: Well, with 12 minutes left in the first quarter,

the Bills come to the line.

[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]

It's Heller under center.

A long count on the play. There's the snap.

Hut!

He tosses it back to Hooks.

Oh, that looks like a missed assignment.

And the Chargers haul him down in the backfield

for a seven-yard loss.

[SHOUTS]

This is gonna be a long day. Gonna be a long day, gentlemen.

Tim, where were you going there?

Okay. Lenny, you're up.

Split left, 47 trap on first sound.

Split left, 47 trap on first sound. Ready?

TOGETHER: Break!

VAN MILLER: Heller goes under center,

the snap of the ball,

he hands it away to Voyles.

Voyles fumbles the ball!

It's rolling around in the backfield

and Heller dives on it to save a Chargers score.

But it's a loss of seven yards,

and, again, the Bills are gonna have to punt it away.

[BOOING]

DITKA: Well, they started here.

They lost four yards. That puts them here.

Second down, they get the holding penalty.

Now they're here.

Then they hike the ball

through the quarterback's legs. That's not good.

Now they're here.

And then the fumbled pitch-out to Voyles

lost them another seven yards.

And now they're here!

And that, my friends, is how you get to be fourth and 42.

[GLASS SHATTERING]

[CHEERING]

Oh, jeez. Dan.

Randy, relax and put it right through the middle.

I'm a tight end.

[d]

Set.

Ooh!

Ooh! Damn it, Randy!

VANDEVIER: Oh!

Now, that's gotta hurt, now.

Run that back. I gotta see that again.

Yeah! Woo!

Hey, that was right down the center.

Check that. Right up the center.

[PLAYERS LAUGHING]

[WHISTLE BLOWING]

Let's go! What's up?

Get him out of there! Aren't things bad enough?

Get him the hell out of there!

What are they doing? Come on. Guys!

That Weathers is out of control.

Somebody ought to give him an attitude adjustment.

We got multiple fouls.

Illegal motion, number 35, offense.

False start, number 58, offense.

Personal foul, unsportsmanlike conduct,

number 69, offense.

And holding, number 89, offense.

This might take a minute.

You gotta feel sorry for these guys.

I mean, they're professional athletes.

They all want to do well.

This is very unfortunate.

[P.A. CLICKS OFF]

You guys stink! What a train wreck.

[P.A. CLICKS ON]

Well, I guess we lost audio there for a few seconds, uh,

but we're back on now

and everything is okay in the booth.

You don't get a first down, I'm gonna kill you.

Got it.

No, you don't understand.

If you don't get a first down,

and my defense doesn't get a chance to rest,

I am gonna kill you.

Okay, everybody, listen up.

Time is running out, and my life is on the line now.

So we're gonna run the old split right, slot right

964 on one.

That's not the play he called.

You let me worry about it and just get open. Okay?

Split right, slot right 964 on one. Ready?

TOGETHER: Break!

VAN MILLER: Heller, under center, takes the snap, back to throw.

What is he doing?

[GRUNTING]

VAN MILLER: Looks downfield. He throws.

It is intercepted at the 22, returned to the 30,

and Heller makes the tackle out at the 38-yard line.

And, friends, that could be the ball game.

Coach, I had to--

Get away from me. Get away from me.

Get out of my sight.

VAN MILLER: The Buffalo defense has done a miraculous job

of holding the Chargers to only a three-point lead.

With 13 seconds to play,

San Diego will punt from their own 36 yard line.

The punt spirals through the air.

Back to get it is Mumms.

He takes it at the Bills' 5-yard line.

He's at the 15, now the 25, up to the 35,

across midfield, Just one man to beat.

DAN: That's it! Go, Jackie!

VAN MILLER: Down to the 30. Down to the 20.

That's it! That's it!

VAN MILLER: The 15, the 10, the 5.

He is in for the touchdown,

and the Bills are going

to the Conference Championship game!

Do you believe it?

MVP of the game should go to Jackie Mumms

and the entire Bills defense.

Not only did they totally shut down the San Diego game,

they scored the winning touchdown.

Believe me, Flutie and the first string

were sorely missed today.

I don't know what Chuck Dichter's plan will be

against Miami.

[CROWD CHEERING]

Yeah! Woo! Yeah!

That game sucked!

[DOOR OPENS]

[GRUNTING]

Damn!

Goddamn it!

[DEFENSE PLAYERS CHEERING]

[PLAYERS HOOTING]

MAN: You guys stink!

Shut your face.

Believe that?

Uh, you feel like getting some dinner?

I do. I don't know if they're going to.

Oh, hey. Hey.

Let's get out of here.

Well, you guys suck.

Don't start. Sorry.

Larissa, can I borrow your husband?

Why? What are you doing?

I'll only be a couple of hours. Don't worry.

Mass suicides would void our contracts.

That's funny. You okay?

Won't be long.

All right. Okay. Goodbye.

Bye. Stay up.

Yeah.

I mean, it's ridiculous.

I have never been beaten like that in my life.

We played terrible.

Remember, fellas, we had one day to prepare. One day.

My sophomore year in high school,

we had to play Massillon.

It's the best team in the state.

Nobody in their right mind gave us a chance.

Well, our coach, he was a pretty crafty guy.

He had the whole team lay down on mats,

he turned out the lights,

turned on the movie Patton.

George C. Scott.

No picture, just the words.

We lay there in total darkness,

listening to Patton rally the troops,

telling them to advance.

Never accept defeat.

Don't retreat. Just advance.

And we listened to every word.

Then we went out...

got beat 56 to 3.

[ALL LAUGH]

I was thinking it was some Phil Jackson Zen thing.

Fifty-six to 3?

Hey, it wasn't even as close as the score.

We're very limited here. Limited by who's available.

Get me Tommy Baker.

[SCOFFS]

He wants a long-term contract.

I don't care if he wants solid gold underwear.

Get me Tommy Baker.

Then what? Get held up?

We give him a three-year contract

so he can play in one, maybe two games?

You having me mortgage the future

is exactly why we're in the fix we're in right now.

Well, I've never been good with money.

Get me the quarterback.

You have one whole week to get these guys behind you.

That's one more week than you had.

Look. The point is so moot, it defies imagination.

You have no idea what they're gonna do, honey.

I know nobody's speed-dialing free-agent kickers right now.

Like you couldn't have used the points today.

All right. You be Chuck.

I don't wanna be Chuck. I hate him. He's awful.

Hey, Chuck. Here's the deal.

You can have a QB who's won three Super Bowls

or a place kicker passed on by every team in the NFL.

Pick one and only one.

You're really pissing me off.

I know, and I'm freezing my ass off doing it.

I vote we stop this, go inside and play strip Scrabble.

Aw, come on, Connie. Come on.

If you're this hell-bent on arguing for your limitations,

you go right ahead by yourself.

I'm obviously too naive or delusional or whatever.

ANNOUNCER: The weight of the adult male bear

can be anywhere between 300 and 900 pounds.

And during summer and early fall...

What are we watching?

Watching highlights of the game.

I don't remember playing the Bears.

Is it, uh, too loud?

No. No.

You okay?

I'm fine.

Girl's bent out of shape, though.

She thinks old Chuck's gonna trot me out

to get crushed by the Dolphins.

Other than that, she's a perfectly sane woman.

Go to bed.

Hey, what's up, Ger?

Nah. You know. I'm gonna hit it.

Hey, Ger, what's up?

Um, you know, I don't know how to say this.

I just, you know,

this is my first time to the playoffs.

Yeah?

We might not have a chance in hell,

but I don't wanna be told I'm out until I'm out.

Oh, hey, no--

Look. You're a good friend of mine, Dan. Okay?

But I don't want to talk

about us getting our asses kicked anymore.

I haven't throw in the towel, and I wish that you would just--

No, I'm going to bed.

Uh, okay.

Okay. Well, good night.

Hey, no, no. Wait a second, Ger.

Wait. Wait, wait!

Come on. You really think I threw in the towel?

Dan, I didn't mean it--

How can you think that I would quit?

How could you think that? Come on, man.

You wanna get real?

Let's get real. Yeah!

Look, when I heard you couldn't find a team,

I couldn't believe it.

Now I know you've had bad breaks,

but, man, I was there.

I've seen it in action. Dan, you never got beat.

Sure, we lost games, but it wasn't because of Heller.

When we needed it, you would come into that huddle,

we would look in your eyes and we'd know we were gonna win.

I can't accept that the man I knew is out of football.

Unless he wants to be?

Is that what you're saying, Gerry?

Well, I'm sorry you feel that way.

I am sorry, but it's crap, okay?

You don't know what you're talking about.

Don't know what I'm talking about?

You know something? Fine. Okay?

Maybe you're right. Maybe I'm wrong.

But, Danny, today on that field,

when it was crunch time, I looked in your eyes...

and I knew we were toast.

You know, forget it. I'm sorry. Good night.

DAN: All right, guys.

Listen up!

We are gonna practice with this football.

This one is yours, Lenny.

Mine?

You must hold on to it at all times.

Anyone can knock it out of your hands.

Every time they do, each time,

it's $20 towards our Super Bowl victory party.

Me? Why me?

Now, now why y'all all in my grill like that?

Yeah, okay. All right.

There's 20.

[LAUGHING]

Okay.

Forty bucks, Lenny.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

Hey, hey, fellas. Look at this.

Perry. Good to see you.

BIG DADDY: If it isn't the Tommy Baker.

Good to have you here.

GERRY: Yep.

Sixty bucks. Come on. We have work to do.

Everybody think that's cute.

No, no, no. You know something?

That's, like, 30 seconds and you dropped the ball--

That's $60.

You're hurtin'. That's $80.

Gerry, you gonna loan me some money?

Okay, you guys.

Let's run this thing on the first sound.

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

Hut!

Hey, Tim! Come on. Stop.

Tim, what are you doing?

We're working on pass protection,

and you're pulling.

Now, help me out here. I'm mystified.

You were an all-American in college?

Yes, sir.

And a second-round draft pick?

Yes, sir.

Then how can you be so terrible, huh?

I'm really curious.

I mean, nobody can be that awful without trying!

You always blow your assignment.

Always, you--

Aw, come on, man, jeez.

I didn't mean anything by it, but, jeez!

Help me out here. I wanna know so I can help.

[SIGHS AND SNIFFLES]

I--

I just-- I can't learn the playbook.

What?! Yeah, I tried.

But there's so many X's and O's

and numbers and colors and audibles--

You're kidding, right?

And I'm so scared of coach.

As soon as I go in my stance, my mind goes blank.

I never learned football this way.

Well, what about college?

You had to have a playbook in college.

The quarterback told me what to do, and I'd do it.

On every play?

[SIGHS]

Well, what about high school?

[SOBBING] It was the same quarterback.

I waited for him to decide on a college,

and I went there too so he could tell me the plays.

I did it that way for eight years.

I don't know how to do it any other way.

And I couldn't tell coach. He screams at me.

[SNIFFLES]

Everybody thinks I'm stupid.

But I'm not.

I just--

I never learned how to do it any other way.

Come on. Now, stop crying.

We'll fix this, I promise.

You just gotta stop crying, okay?

Now, how about we go back in that huddle

and you knock the ball out of Lenny's hands?

Would you like that? Good. I'll distract him.

Don't worry about the plays. I'll take care of that.

Got nothing else to do.

It'll be just a few minutes. Can I get you anything?

Yeah. Yeah, your phone number.

Oh, Mr. Baker. I'm not part of the signing bonus.

Oh.

Mm. Little does she know my agent won't let me sign.

Shh!

I'm not putting you in this game.

Okay? There is no way.

I watched that offensive line. I can promise you a disaster.

I'm not about to devalue you in the marketplace.

You don't think I can win on Sunday?

Superman couldn't win with that line.

Then why are we here? Why this dog-and-pony show?

Because if there is a miracle,

and these clods beat Miami, we'll sign.

You'll play in the Super Bowl.

Even if you lose,

a Super Bowl appearance is worth a truckload of money.

[CLEARS THROAT]

So we stay here, and we act like we're gonna sign.

So they won't be able to sign anybody else.

Okay? It's just in case.

Oh, and, um, I'm gonna make them look like the bad guys.

Speak of the devil.

Bob.

Perry. Coach.

Let's accomplish this thing in short order.

Come right in. After you.

How was the hotel?

Dolphins are gonna be coming after me.

They're gonna be flying after me.

I'm gonna need you to watch my back.

[GRUNTING]

You're hitting it awfully hard.

Look, Ernie--

I got nothing to say to you, man,

and I'm not interested in what you have to say.

Look, I know you feel like you've been dealt a bad hand.

"Feel like"?

"Feel like"? Man, take a hike.

All I'm trying to say is:

I know you played hard last Sunday.

but I'm gonna need you to play harder this Sunday.

You're a great player.

and I need to know I can rely on you.

Stop.

How many years you played in this league, huh?

I played 10.

Ask me how many games I won?

Forty-eight.

Forty-eight, Heller, in 10 years.

How many playoff games have I played in?

Zero. Zero for January.

So I come here...

Uproot my family, take a huge salary cut.

Sweat blood in the off-season

to get in the best shape of my life.

And for what? To sit on a bench

and watch some kid win my football games.

My games.

Now you got two games to make up for an entire career.

It's a joke.

You're a joke! They are a joke!

Just one last nightmare

in a nightmare career for Ernie Weathers.

And now,

thanks to some fluke punt return,

my personal hell gets extended

for one more nationally-televised week.

So you can imagine why I'm not too thrilled about it,

can't you, Mr. Just-Too-Happy-To-Be-Here?

Now I would strongly advise you...

to get out of my face.

Curtis, don't get too comfortable.

Your day is just beginning.

[STAMMERS]

Two hundred and sixty, Lenny.

[SNICKERING]

Big Daddy. Hey, Big Daddy.

...33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38,

39, 40.

Forty yards from here to that tree,

where I'll be with this stopwatch.

Okay, hold up, man. You can't be serious, man.

I don't care how you get there.

Just do it in six seconds or less.

And don't step on the dead. It's disrespectful.

Come on. This gives me the creeps, man.

[d]

I don't believe it.

Ready. Go!

No, no, no, no, no. Anybody can do that.

You can't just walk through it.

Go on back and do it again.

Ready! Go!

No! No, no, Curtis. You gotta run hard!

Forward hard and laterally hard.

Man, I don't--

I don't want to disturb anybody, man.

This is kind of spooky.

Your running disturbs only the living, believe me.

For years, all I've done is block linemen, all right?

Not avoid them. That's my job.

I don't see what this is gonna do--

Well, you won't know if you won't try, will you?

I promise you, no ghost will pop up and say, "boo,"

but 70,000 people will on Sunday.

Haul ass now! Bob and weave.

Beat the clock, I'll buy you a cookie.

Ready!

Go!

That's it! That's it! Good! Good! Cut! Cut!

Yeah, that's it!

[GRUNTS]

Oh-ho-ho! That's pretty good. Yeah.

[GROANING]

But you're still thinking. Don't think. React.

Hey, who made the stop?

"Florence Stemkowski."

Ah, that's a nice hit for a dead gal.

Back to square one. We're burning daylight.

[YAWNS]

Aren't you coming to bed, sweetie?

In a little bit.

Why are you highlighting the left tackle?

I wanna be a tackle.

Offensive line, that's where the glamour is--

That's funny.

I'm trying to learn my left tackle's blocking assignments.

What, just for fun?

Well, if there's a tie after overtime,

the quarterbacks get quizzed on blocking--

I'll see you later.

Night, honey.

[YAWNS]

Ready! Black 80.

Black 80! Set, hut!

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

You don't think there's any way they won't sign him?

Well, they better do it today.

You're my quarterback until you're told otherwise.

You be ready.

I got my clipboard, my hat. I'm ready.

Man, Hooks. Who put the hurting on you?

Florence Stemkowski,

loving mother and wife.

Please don't do that-- Ah!

Don't you know I own this, Randy? I own this.

Okay, you guys. Listen up.

We're gonna need an edge against a team like the Dolphins.

These plays will be that edge.

Yo, Dan. We're supposed to learn these new plays in a day?

What's up with that?

No, uh, coaches?

These plays are so super secret,

they didn't even wanna know about them.

Where's Ernie? Got a note from his mother?

He has ballet Thursdays.

I like this. You know, this just might work.

Well, let's see. All right, everybody.

I-formation, 48. Toss right.

That's $20.

DAN: Twenty dollars, Lenny. Tim, come here.

VOYLES: Gerry, that's not right. So it's like that, G.

I want you to pull from the left, okay,

and pancake that strong safety, all right?

VOYLES: All right, G. I got you on that.

Ready! Blue 88!

Blue 88!

Hut!

Hey!

Hey, what do you mean, no deal?

Cashen, get back here and negotiate!

Sandbagger.

VAN MILLER: This is Van Miller, the voice of the Bills.

We have just learned that the Bills have failed

to come to contract agreement with Tommy Baker.

Tommy Baker is not a Bill,

he will not be in uniform today,

and that means, you guessed it, fans,

Dan Heller will be the starting quarterback

[CROWD BOOING]

against Miami in the championship game.

Dan is the man.

[BOOING]

Go home!

Oh, you guys are gonna be sorry

you didn't start us on your fantasy league teams.

Hey, no. No, no, no.

If I can't talk about losing, you can't think about it.

Hey! It's a beautiful day for football. Let's go, you guys.

COACH: Come on! Get in there!

VAN MILLER: Time running out here in the first half,

And at 21-nothing, the Bills are going to have

a lot of regrouping to do at halftime.

Take a knee twice.

Got it.

Red 15! Hut!

[CROWD BOOING]

Hey, ref. Yeah.

Watch my knee.

Don't blow the whistle till my knee touches, okay?

That's the rule. You got it.

Okay, everybody. Listen up.

Okay. I want you to line up just like you did before,

but after the snap, Randy, I want you to run a deep post.

What?

Wait a beat, then go deep.

Don't look at me. Just do it.

Everybody act like I'm downing it.

Randy, you will catch this ball, understand?

Ready?

TOGETHER: Break!

VAN MILLER: With 12 seconds left and the Bills down 21-zip,

Coach Dichter will be satisfied

to kneel it down and run out the first half.

Set! Hut!

Under center, Dan Heller goes down. No!

What the hell is he doing?

He takes the ball back!

He's going to throw.

The cornerbacks have come up. Miami has been duped.

He throws downfield.

It is Johnson in the open at the 24.

He's down to the 20.

Go, baby! Go!

The 15. One man to beat.

Touchdown, Bills! What an incredible play!

Yeah!

Oh, yeah!

What the hell was that?

[CHEERING CONTINUES]

Heller, get over here!

Extra points first, coach.

I said, get over here.

There was a knee, ref. His knee went down!

His knee never touched the ground.

DAN: Ready?

PLAYERS: Break!

DAN: Ready!

Bills down 21-6 and they will go for two.

Heller under center, he's going to throw.

It is Fullerton there. He's got it!

[SHOUTING]

[CHEERING]

Yeah! Come on! You go, Gerry!

[INDISTINCT CHATTERING]

DICHTER: Heller! Hey, Heller!

Dan, nice pass.

Whoa, stop.

Who the hell do you think you are?

Just trying to put points on the board, coach.

You do anything other than what I tell you to do,

and I'll sit your ass down,

and I'll play a lineman at quarterback, I swear to God.

We're getting our asses kicked with this game plan.

Okay, that's it. You're out.

Fine! Fine, but admit it.

The only thing you know about offense is how to stop it.

You didn't know how to use me in Philly,

you don't know how to use me now.

You weren't good in Philly, and you aren't good now.

Maybe if you let me play the game the way I know how.

I can't listen to this revisionist history.

You were a showboat, pure and simple.

College hero who couldn't cut it.

You fed me to the sharks. I was a rookie on a bad team.

You cost me two first-round picks to trade up to get you.

You know who I could have had? Junior Seau--

And Emmitt Smith. I had to hear it on the TV 50,000 times!

And I wasted those draft picks!

Wasted? You wasted me!

I threw the ball in college. You ever see me play?

You hate to throw the ball,

and when you do, it's so obvious,

defenses started telling me they were blitzing.

You couldn't make the transition to the pro game and you know it.

You never let me do what I know how to do!

And what was that, son?

Win! Win! I knew how to win football games.

Grade school, high school, college.

I won football games!

Well, you didn't win any for me!

Aw, come on, Chuck.

You buried me and then you told everybody in the league

I was damaged goods.

You had every opportunity--

That's a load of crap, and you know it!

You never were much of a BS-er so let's just skip it, okay?

You're a pigheaded son of a bitch, Chuck!

And all I ever wanted from you was a chance.

Okay, wiseass. You want a chance?

There's a half a game left.

Beat the Miami Dolphins.

BERMAN: So the big play.

Tommy, what do you think?

Does this put the Bills back in it?

Chris, all this did was make the Dolphins angry.

They're gonna come out of that locker room in a foul mood

and make life very difficult for the home team.

I say Dolphins...

55 to 8.

Ooh. Well, would it have been different

with Tommy Baker at the helm?

I thought it would have been a lot more competitive.

I'm sorry that they wouldn't do the deal.

[CLEARS THROAT]

VAN MILLER: Well, fans, we're into the second half

of the AFC Finals,

and the winner of this one

will face the NFC Champion Minnesota Vikings

in the Super Bowl.

Here we go, guys.

Bag of tricks to Gerry, for six on two.

Ready.

TOGETHER: Break!

Wait. What the hell is that?

Oh, you don't know, do you?

Maybe somebody should have attended late night practice.

Block like it's a 22 Dive.

Hey, Tim.

I'm your high school quarterback now.

You take your defensive end on a tour of his sideline, okay?

Ready!

VAN MILLER: The Bills come to the line of scrimmage,

The tight end on the right side of the formation

and his wide receiver, Fullerton, split left.

There's the snap.

Heller drops back. Hands it off to Curtis Hooks.

Then he flips it back to Heller.

It's the flea flicker, and wide open is Fullerton.

And he has the ball for the touchdown!

An incredible play for the Bills!

What the hell was that?

I couldn't tell you, coach.

Is that in our play book? Nope.

Just checking.

Eighteen.

Set! Hut!

They're making a comeback.

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

Gerry! Heller!

All right.

It's time for a little running in the graveyard.

What do you say, Curtis?

Well, I know they can't hit as hard as Florence Stemkowski.

Oh, yeah. Tim, you pull.

I'm sure Mr. Weathers would love to kill himself a linebacker.

Glad to.

Excellent. Graveyard, you guys. On one. Ready?

TOGETHER: Break!

They're in the nickel.

Why don't we run the ball right up the gut?

Why are you telling me? Tell Heller.

I'm just the head coach here.

Tell Heller.

Ready?

VAN MILLER: A little over a minute left

in the third quarter as the Bills come to the line.

Heller takes the snap, hands it away to Hooks,

and Hooks flies straight ahead and makes a great cut

and breaks it loose.

He's at the 50, down to the 45....

Yeah, babe, go! He's going all the way!

Touchdown, Bills.

That was a tremendous run by Curtis Hooks for the touchdown.

These kids are playing some great ball, coach.

When they bring out the unicycle, let me know, will you?

[GRUNTS]

JOHNSON: Go, baby!

Who are you?

What have you done with our friend Curtis?

Woo!

BOTH: Yeah! Yeah! Come on, baby!

One-two punch! One-two punch!

With yet another missed point after,

the Bills now only trail by five,

27-22 against the Dolphins.

Jackie, if you let these guys score this series,

I'm gonna kill you.

No, no, no, no, no. You don't understand.

If you don't hold these guys, I am gonna kill you.

VAN MILLER: Up by five points with only 58 seconds remaining in the game.

Miami, fourth and 1, they've decided to go for it.

What a shocker!

But I guess they're hoping to retain possession

and burn up the clock.

The stop made right at the first-down marker,

and here comes the chain gang.

This measurement will be oh, so close.

PLAYER: First down, baby!

And the Dolphins have come up about an inch and a half short.

It's all yours now, Heller.

Ready!

Heller, with three wide receivers, under center,

takes the snap.

Hands it off to his big fullback, Hooks.

He breaks a tackle,

fights his way down to the 3-yard line.

The Bills immediately use their last time out

to stop the clock with two seconds left in the game.

They need a touchdown here to win,

and there's time for only one last play.

CROWD CHANTING: Second string! Second string!

[CHANTING CONTINUES]

Okay, everybody. Shut up and listen.

We're gonna run All-day Sucker, okay?

Ernie, don't move, no matter what you hear.

Okay, who wants the ball? Lenny?

No? Okay. Curtis?

All right. Okay.

Snap on the word problem. On problem. Ready?

TOGETHER: Break!

Watch my hands, okay, ref?

[CROWD CHEERING]

Black 18! Black 18!

Wait a minute. Don't hike the ball.

Shut up, Lenny.

Cover one!

Black 18!

Wait. Don't hike the ball.

Come on, man!

Come on, Lenny. What's the problem?

VAN MILLER: The ball is hiked to the fullback, Hooks!

He makes a diving leap into the end zone.

He is in for the score.

The Bills win,

and they'll be going back to the big dance for a fifth time!

[CHEERING CONTINUES]

No problem!

Unbelievable!

What do you say, coach?

We did it, coach.

It was illegal motion!

The man never put his hands under center.

He can walk to China if he wants to.

It's a legal play.

It is pandemonium!

It is pandemonium here

at Ralph Wilson stadium.

I've never seen anything like it.

I'll guarantee you,

this is the one you're gonna tell the grandkids about.

PLAYER #1: We're going to the big show, baby!

We're going to the Superbowl.

[HOOTING AND CHEERING]

PLAYER #2: Yeah, baby.

VOYLES: Yeah! That's what I'm talking about, baby!

That's what I'm talking about!

Are we gonna get paid? Are we gonna get paid?

We keep on going.

Keep on going! What? Yeah! What?

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

That's what I'm talking about!

Everybody, shut up!

[WHISTLING]

Shut up!

Knock it off, you guys.

GERRY: Captain!

[LAUGHS]

Look, I'm not much for locker-room speeches,

but I gotta tell you,

if you celebrate this victory now,

you're gonna think you won something.

And I think if you go to New Orleans

with a big victory filed away,

then at some point

you're gonna think that just being there was enough.

And you guys can't afford a thought like that!

If winning the championship is your goal,

then stay unfulfilled!

Don't drink the champagne till the president's on the phone!

Do that... and you have a chance!

That's all.

He's right. That's right.

He's right. That's right.

PLAYER #3: What we gotta do is focus.

PLAYER #4: That's right. It's our time, baby.

You're right.

You think you reached a goal, you let up.

Basic human nature.

We're gonna party like maniacs, aren't we?

[WHISPERING] We're going to the Super Bowl! We're going to the Super Bowl!

[SIGHS]

GERRY: Hey, coach. Fullerton.

Are we late for practice?

[CHUCKLES]

Ladies. Hello, Chuck.

Uh, do you mind if I, uh,

speak with Dan in private?

Why don't you go inside, honey?

I'll be there in a minute.

I'm a proud man, Heller,

And I like things to be done a certain way.

And that is almost always my way.

That's the way I approach the game.

Your way, what you did out there today...

Well, if I had to watch that every Sunday,

I'd go home and I'd apply for my pension.

You think I'm kidding.

You played a hell of a game out there today.

Thanks, coach. I appreciate it.

And a lot of what you said at halftime is...true.

Well, not a lot, but some of it.

Some is probably true.

The truth is...

I never wanted to draft you. The owner wanted you.

I regret I didn't fight him harder.

It was a mistake.

Maybe you would've been all right on another team,

under a different coach.

You're right.

I'm conservative and a control freak.

And you're an ad-libber and a bomber.

A square peg in a round hole if there ever was one.

You and I were doomed from the start.

I'm sorry about that.

I'm sorry you didn't get a fair shake.

Anyway...

[CLEARS THROAT]

Anybody around the league enquires,

I'll put in a good word.

Well...thanks,

but I don't think you came here just for that, did you, coach?

No.

No, we, uh, signed Tommy Baker today.

I wanted to tell you that personally.

I didn't want you or your wife to have to hear it on the TV.

I appreciate it.

You're still on the team. We're taking you to New Orleans.

Should be some pretty good money in it for you.

But I'd be a liar if I told you you were the starter.

Well, what are you gonna do?

I had fun out there today.

Had a hell of a lot of fun telling you off at halftime.

So I'm ahead of the game.

Good night, coach.

Good night, Heller.

Heller...

I love football, the game.

It's the greatest game ever invented.

But the business part...

you can keep it.

[CAR DOOR OPENS]

[CAR DOOR CLOSES AND ENGINE STARTS]

You're "ahead of the game"?!

Connie, light of my life, have you been eavesdropping?

I don't get it.

You win the Conference Championship,

then he comes out here

and he tells you that he's replacing you.

And you just stand there and take it.

"Hey, have a nice day, coach."

Hey, come on.

We were just supposed to be here for a day or two.

Now we're getting an all-expense-paid vacation

to New Orleans.

Look who's Miss Half Empty now.

Danny, they're replacing you, and you don't seem to care.

They just paid a guy a ton of money

to come in here with three Super Bowl rings

and win one game.

Who cares how many rings that jackass--?

The job is not up for grabs.

You are 10 times the quarterback--

No! It's over!

Can't you get used to that? Huh?

Is your ego so wrapped up in me being a football player,

you can't just let it go?

We're not in Notre Dame,

and I'm not a big man anymore,

and I wish, I wish you would just...

just...accept it.

Well, I can't just accept, Danny--

No, Connie, come on! Let it go!

[SIGHS]

It's done!

It is done.

It's been a long day.

It's time to move on.

[d]

BAKER: Ready!

SECOND STRING: Break!

Ready!

Black 88! Black 88!

Set, hut!

[BLOWS WHISTLE]

Lenny, you did it again!

What the hell is your problem, man?

Hobbs, you an idiot?

I'm the coach, Baker. I'll do the coaching.

How am I supposed to deal with this guy?

Don't you have anybody else? Give me anybody!

Put Heller at guard! Even that'd be an improvement.

BAKER: Man!

[PLAYERS CHATTERING]

Hey, Tommy. Wait a sec.

Listen, Tim's a good ballplayer.

He just has problems--

Listen, sport, if I want your advice,

I'll ask for it, okay?

Why don't you go grab a clipboard.

Stay out of my way.

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

Huddle up! Let's run it again!

[PLAYERS CHATTERING]

[MAN SINGING BLUES]

I'm having fun. Are you having fun?

Oh, I love to shop.

I know you do.

Oh! Close your eyes.

What?!

I'm gonna buy you a present.

Close your eyes! Come on.

Okay. Okay, okay.

Ready? Mm-hm.

Open your eyes.

Ta-da!

A briefcase?

To replace that ratty old thing you carry around.

I don't want a briefcase.

You need this, sweetie.

The old ratty one's fine.

It's fine, but it doesn't say anything.

This, my friend, this says, "I am a salesman."

You know? You need to make a statement.

It's kind of a commitment.

Ah, so this is an editorial.

Any chance you could spell it out for me,

or do I have to guess?

Okay, I'll be brief.

I believe that I have been a problem for you,

judging from what you said last week.

I am really rah-rah. And I have so much--

perhaps too much faith in your ability,

that I think I've kept you hanging on to football

a lot longer than perhaps you would have liked.

You honestly think I don't want to play football?

No, actually, I don't, Danny,

because if you did, you'd go all out.

You'd still have a career.

And you're just cutting it short.

Well, which career, now? I'm confused.

You want me to play football

or you want me to make a commitment to selling?

I'm confused.

I don't care!

If you want to be an insurance salesman, then be the best.

But if you want to play football,

then you go all the way.

You be the best.

Do whatever you want, but do it full out.

Either way, it's gonna be leather.

This one you carry, the other one you throw around.

So, what's the big deal?

[d]

[STADIUM CROWD CHEERING]

[DRUMROLL]

[FIREWORKS WHISTLING AND EXPLODING]

[CHANTING] I say Vikings, you say go!

d Yeah, what is it good for? d

d Absolutely nothing Uh-huh d

CHEERLEADERS: Vikings go! Vikings go!

d What is it good for? Absolutely nothing d

REPORTER: What can you say

about the second string of the Buffalo Bills?

d War Huh d

d What is it good for? d

d Absolutely nothing Listen to me d

[VOCALIZING]

d War I despise d

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

d 'Cause it means destruction Of innocent lives d

VAN MILLER: Well, this is it, the Super Bowl.

The Bills have been here before.

Boy, have they been here before.

But can they win this game

basically with second stringers?

There is one notable exception.

They have signed high-priced

quarterback Tommy Baker.

Baker gets the big bucks to lead the Bills in the big dance.

Okay! All right, Tommy Baker!

Tommy, get yourself another Super Bowl ring.

Let's go!

Rock 'n' roll, gentlemen! Let's go! Let's go!

Let's go, Ger, you got the post all day, baby!

Let's go, Curtis!

Come on, guys, let's go!

Let's go! Bring it back! Let's bring it back!

BIG DADDY: How you doing, cupcake?

Update your health coverage, because here comes Big Daddy.

Ready!

BEN: Who's got the nose tackle?

VANDEVIER: I do. BEN: You sure?

BAKER: Blue 13! Blue 13!

Check, check. Red 20! Red 20!

Set, hut!

VAN MILLER: Baker dropping back to pass.

Oh, he is sacked and loses 4 yards.

Almost lost the ball.

Who's this guy?

And that brings up a third and long.

You just let that guy blow right by you, Hobbs!

Now, look, girls...

the name of the game is protect the quarterback.

You got it? Now, let's go.

Twins right, 94, max pro. Twins right, 94, max pro.

On two. On two. Ready?

[PLAYERS CLAP]

Ready! Red 90!

Red 90!

Set. Hut!

VAN MILLER: Quick snap. Baker is sacked again,

and this time he fumbles.

And the Vikings pick up the ball

and they take it in for the score...

untouched.

[CROWD CHEERING]

[SIGHS]

Well, these guys are terrible.

You saw it. I don't have any time.

They're in the backfield before I am.

Get me somebody who can block.

I'm telling you, get me anybody who can block.

[GROANS]

VAN MILLER: We're midway through the second quarter.

Baker, under center, takes the snap,

pitches out to Voyles, and Voyles fumbles the ball.

And the Vikings will take it in for the touchdown.

And with the extra point, on the Bills' second miscue,

they can go up 14 to nothing.

[CHEERING]

Lenny, you gotta make that play.

Put it behind you. Put it behind you.

Lots of football left!

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

Tired?

Don't worry about me, all right?

These guys need you. You know that.

You can't just go through the motions.

I said don't worry--

Shut up a minute and hear me out.

This is important.

A loss here today won't be so terrible.

Hell, nobody gives us a chance to win.

But what if you did win and you didn't care?

What if you so expected to lose

that you wouldn't allow yourself to really want it?

Man, you'd have to watch your teammates celebrate.

You'd have to listen to the retelling of it

for the rest of your life,

knowing that inside, you weren't really a part of it.

To me...

it would be worse than losing.

To me, that would be the nightmare.

So are you my psychiatrist now, Heller?

You don't know nothing about me.

I wasn't talking about you.

COACH: Let's go, boys! Let's go! We can do this, now!

Take it to them.

DITKA: This is really getting ugly.

You can't spot the Vikings 14 points

and not have it come back to haunt you.

[CROWD CHEERING]

Let's go!

You guys are making fools out of yourselves

in front of millions!

How does it feel?

Come on, let's do something right!

I-left, split right, 49 sweep.

On one, on one. Ready?

TOGETHER: Break!

Let's go!

VAN MILLER: Bills down 14 to nothing.

Baker, under center, takes the snap.

Drops back in the pocket.

He fires the ball out to Fullerton.

It is tipped into the air

and picked off by Mungeons of the Vikings.

He has nothing but goal line ahead of him.

Only Baker to beat.

Oh! He takes a crushing hit,

and Mungeons is in for the score!

You're the man!

[CROWD CHEERING]

Oh, no!

No!

VAN MILLER: And with the extra point,

Minnesota, on three Bills miscues,

will go up 21 to nothing.

It was right in your hands.

How could you not make that play?

What are you--? The pass was high.

High? How did you ever make it to the NFL?

You're terrible!

This whole team is terrible!

Hold it. It was a bad pass. You overthrew him.

Shut up, Heller!

Chuck, put me in the game.

I know what these guys are capable of.

We can win this game.

Heller, I said shut up!

Twenty-one to zero.

Worse thing that can happen is,

I get you fired twice in your career.

With these guys, I can win this football game.

PLAYERS: Put him in, coach.

You're not really thinking about doing this?

You'd put this chump in over me?

Do it, Chuck. We will win this game.

Come on. Everybody knows you're a gambler at heart.

Yeah, I'm a wild man.

Okay, what the hell?

PLAYERS: Yes! Yes!

What?! You can't be serious!

You're not taking me out of this game.

I just did, Tommy. Have a seat.

Bye-bye.

You idiot! Are you insane?

I'm your only chance. I'm a star. These guys stink.

You know, you should probably--

He's gotta sit down, coach.

Oops.

[BAKER GROANS]

All right, let's play football!

You will let me know

what you're doing every now and then?

I can't promise anything. I'll do my best.

It's your show, kid.

Thanks, coach. Have a good game!

DICHTER: Let's go! We can win this one.

Yeah, Danny, that's it! Come on, baby!

It looks like Dichter's pulling Baker.

Yeah, he's putting in Dan Heller.

Now, that's an expensive change of mind.

[CHEERING]

Now we got them thinking,

so let's really screw with their heads.

Slot right, tackle eligible, reverse option.

Touchdown, Tim.

Oh, yeah, baby.

Oh, yeah. On one.

Ready? TOGETHER: Break!

Don't look now, coach,

but I think we're in the shotgun.

I can't watch this. Tell me when it's over.

I'm coming right around you again, cream puff.

Bring it on, grandpa, and bring the mouth with you.

Black 18! Black 18! Set! Hut!

Oh, my God! Hobbs is gonna throw!

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

Whoa!

[CROWD CHEERING]

All right! Woo!

VIKING PLAYER: Hey, come on. That's illegal!

All right!

Yeah!

Oh, yeah!

Just like we drew it up! Yeah!

Whoa! Oh, oh. Hey, hey, hang on.

I saved you the, uh...

ball.

Come on, ref. The tackle can't throw the ball.

What is this?

Hey, there's a lot of time left, okay?

But we can beat these guys! Montana Jr., baby!

Montana Jr.!

That's it, boys! Woo!

Sneaky. I like sneaky.

That, my friends, was a tackle eligible,

sweep reverse, shotgun option pass

on an onion roll with a little extra mayo.

Dan, don't you think we should go for two?

Hey, you can do this, Randy. Now, concentrate.

Easy on the colon, okay?

Just hike the ball.

Set!

PLAYER: Right here, right here!

Yeah! A little to the right.

A little to the right, but getting better.

What are you talking about?

I hit someone in the head. I stink.

It's okay, stinky,

you're getting better with every one, I swear.

So, at halftime of the Super Bowl,

a glimmer of hope for the Buffalo Bills,

but they still trail the Vikings 21 to 6.

And we've learned that Tommy Baker

has suffered a concussion.

We...really don't know how that happened,

but he will not be returning to the lineup.

That means it's Dan Heller

with the trick plays to try to lead the Bills.

We've seen them through the playoffs.

We just saw it a the end of the half.

But trickery in the biggest game of them all, the Super Bowl?

Perhaps not even Houdini

could help Buffalo escape from this one.

[WHISTLE BLOWING]

All right, Heller! Yeah?

Give them hell! Give them hell!

GERRY: Let's go, baby!

DAN: We got them where we want them. Let's do it to them.

Okay, Curtis, my man, it is time for the graveyard shift.

I-left, 41, lead draw, on two.

Make something happen now, Curtis.

I-Left, 41, lead draw, on two. Ready?

TOGETHER: Break.

Let's go now! Let's do it!

V-I-C-T-O-R-Y.

The door is open. The door is open, gentlemen.

DAN: Ready, set...

Hut!

[GRUNTING]

What did you see out there, Dan, on the last series?

They're playing two deep, man under.

They're disguising.

They're showing man, but they're playing zone.

If you go to the 80 series,

I think you'll find Gerry wide open.

Just a suggestion.

Okay.

All right.

Good. Yeah. Thanks, coach.

FAULKNER: Go get them, Heller! Light it up!

Lots of time left! Let's make a big play!

d I'm just goin' for the goal d

Blue 18! Blue 18!

Set! Hut!

[WHISTLE BLOWING]

[CROWD CHEERING]

Woo!

We're in this! Two! Two! Go for two!

Two!

Plenty of time! Let's go!

I now know you're back!

I'm back? You're back!

We're going for two! We're going for two!

Pro right, 96, on two, okay?

Pro right, 96, on two. Ready?

TOGETHER: Break.

Man, that's it!

PLAYER: Let's go, team

Woo! Come on, D.

VIKINGS PLAYER: Stop them! Stop them!

Ready! Set. Hut.

Hut!

Yeah, yeah. Tip!

He did it!

[WHISTLE BLOWING]

What was that?

He's the man!

JOHNSON: Yeah, baby! Unbelievable!

That's your star, man.

[LAUGHING]

It's our game, baby! It's our game, now!

Just the way I drew it up.

Okay, you guys, there's not a lot of time left.

So we're gonna have to spread the field.

Receivers, you take everybody outside.

Lenny, you go right up the middle on the fly.

What? Are you kidding me?

I can't hang onto a hand-off, much less catch a pass.

Do you know how many passes I caught this year?

Zero. And if I know it, the Vikings know it too,

and boy, they're gonna get pissed off when you haul it in.

Listen, Heller, seriously,

last year I lost a championship for my team.

I can't do it again.

Last year's fumble didn't cost you $20.

That's right. A dropped pass is just like a fumble.

That's $20.

So we make out either way, baby. Come on.

So shut up and catch the ball. Okay, on one. Ready?

TOGETHER: Break!

Set! Hut!

[CROWD ROARS]

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

Touchdown! Touchdown!

[CROWD CHEERING]

Woo!

[LAUGHING]

I know you didn't want this ball.

This is my ball, baby! Mine!

Hold me down, baby! Hold me down, baby!

Hold me down, baby!

Two! Two!

DAN: Set! Hut!

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

[CROWD GROANING]

Jackie, you get me that ball one last time.

Just get the hell off my field.

All right, you guys, let's go!

VAN MILLER: If the Vikings

convert this field goal, they'll go up by four points

and force the Bills to score a touchdown.

The Vikes lining up to try a 42-yard field goal

that would put them up by four points.

The ball is snapped. It is put down.

And the kick is blocked by Jackie Mumms.

"Mumms" the word.

Did you see that?

He got a hand on the ball, and it's rolling free,

and the Bills take over at their own 30-yard line.

Yes! He's the man!

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

Hey, Jackie, what? No return for a touchdown?

I got you 20 seconds.

Don't leave them any time to come back.

VAN MILLER: With 20 seconds left in the game, down by a point,

Heller comes to the line, trying to quiet the crowd.

Ready! Hut!

He takes the snap and drops back.

The Vikings are on the blitz,

Heller forced to scramble, heading for the sidelines.

Nobody open, so he throws it away.

And that stops the clock with 15 seconds left.

That's not gonna work.

They're giving us nothing deep or on the sidelines.

Well, if they're gonna give us the middle of the field,

let's take it.

Tell Gerry to sell the square out,

then take him across the middle.

It's gonna cost us a time-out.

Get the time-out on the other side of the 50.

Get us into position to win. That's what you do, isn't it?

Okay, coach. Win football games!

All right!

Oh, no, we have no time! Look at the clock!

Red 18! Red 18!

Set! Hut!

VAN MILLER: Time running out. Heller drops back.

He looks. He fires.

It is complete to Fullerton.

The clock is running. Eight seconds.

This could be it. Fullerton on his feet.

Go down! Gerry, go down!

[GRUNTING]

Time! Time!

He finally hits the deck

with three seconds left on the clock

and gets the time-out call.

And the Bills are in field goal range

for most kickers.

Well, you gotta hand it to Dan Heller

for turning this game around

and bringing his team to within two points

of winning their first Super Bowl ever.

And this without the benefit of any of their star personnel,

who, by the way,

will be released from the hospital this week

and are reported to be recuperating nicely.

This place is going wild as Heller returns to the field,

having conferred with Coach Dichter

on what is undoubtedly the most important call

of both of their careers.

Listen up now. Coach wants us to go for three.

[WHISTLE BLOWING]

No! Don't do it, Dan! Don't put it on me!

Give it to Gerry.

Come on, Dan!

Be reasonable. Gotta go for it.

Let's be realistic.

Randy, you can do this now. You gotta concentrate, okay?

And everybody else, worst case scenario,

Bills go 0 for 5 in Super Bowl history.

Don't worry about it. It's not our problem.

We're going on "set."

DAN: Ready?

TOGETHER: Break!

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

All right.

I can't do this, Dan. Tell the coach--

No, listen, Randy, you can do this, okay?

No time for doubt, all right?

If you look up there, you look at the goalpost,

picture it, you can do it.

Don't make me lose this.

Randy. You will not fail. I promise.

Okay? Okay.

Okay. Let's make it.

Let's make it.

Let's do it.

[SIGHS]

Okay.

[d]

[WOMAN VOCALIZING]

Set!

d Yeah, yeah d

Yes!

d Woo! Ha, ha! d

Run! Run!

DAN: Okay, pull! Pull!

[CROWD CHANTING] Two, one, yeah!

Make the block, Hobbs!

Go, Danny! Go, baby!

Go!

WEATHERS: Kick it out, Heller!

d Oh, oh d

d Oh d

d Oh, yeah d

d Oh, oh d

d Oh d

d Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh d

d Oh d

[BOTH YELLING]

d Oh, oh, yeah d

d Yeah, yeah, yeah d

Yes! Woo!

Yeah!

I would have made it!

Thank you, God. Thank you.

Big dog!

Don't look now, big dog! You're a champion!

You're a champion of professional football!

[ALL YELLING]

TOGETHER: Yeah!

Davey, we did it! We did it!

Unbelievable!

That never happened when I was coaching.

If Dan Heller doesn't get MVP,

those writers ought to be shot.

You're the man! You're the man!

No, you're the man!

[LAUGHING AND CHEERING]

MAN: Over here, Heller!

Coach! Coach!

That was a great call! No, this is your day!

No, no! You are a wild man!

That was a great call. You did it! You did it!

I take my hat off to you!

Woo!

You're a special kid, you know that?

PLAYERS: Yeah!

[CHEERING AND SHOUTING CONTINUE]

Thank you. Thank you. Woo-hoo!

[CROWD NOISE FADING]

[d]

[SIGHS]

REPORTER: Dan Heller, you just won the Super Bowl.

Where are you going?

d Oh, oh, oh Yeah, yeah, yeah d

[d]

[WOMAN VOCALIZING]