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1
00:00:06,960 --> 00:00:09,959
Hmm. You know, I was engaged once.
2
00:00:09,960 --> 00:00:12,159
Really? Yeah.
So if you ever need any advice,
3
00:00:12,160 --> 00:00:13,959
I had a wedding folder
and everything.
4
00:00:13,960 --> 00:00:16,959
Thanks, but I'll be all right.
It's not long to go now.
5
00:00:16,960 --> 00:00:19,319
She got me a nice engagement ring.
A diamond solitaire.
6
00:00:19,320 --> 00:00:20,959
It's worth about 20 grand.
7
00:00:20,960 --> 00:00:21,959
Crikey!
Bloody hell!
8
00:00:21,960 --> 00:00:23,959
I mean, she stole it,
as it turns out,
9
00:00:23,960 --> 00:00:26,959
and she was using me
to transport it to Spain, but still.
10
00:00:26,960 --> 00:00:29,959
Aw! The police called me a donkey,
which I thought was a bit harsh.
11
00:00:29,960 --> 00:00:32,959
A mule?
A mule. Yes, that was it.
12
00:00:32,960 --> 00:00:35,959
Aw, it was a nice thought, though,
and a lovely ring.
13
00:00:35,960 --> 00:00:37,999
See, I've got the fingers
for elegant jewellery. Mm.
14
00:00:38,000 --> 00:00:39,960
One day!
15
00:00:56,960 --> 00:00:58,959
A part of me thinks
I should have a bob.
16
00:00:58,960 --> 00:01:00,959
A bob?
Exactly, yeah.
17
00:01:00,960 --> 00:01:03,959
I've always wanted a bob.
A good old dependable bob.
18
00:01:03,960 --> 00:01:04,959
A bob, bob, bob, bob, bob.
19
00:01:04,960 --> 00:01:07,959
You don't have the face for a bob.
It wouldn't suit you.
20
00:01:07,960 --> 00:01:09,479
Maybe it would!
21
00:01:09,480 --> 00:01:11,959
Er, maybe something
a little less ordinary.
22
00:01:11,960 --> 00:01:13,959
You know, maybe a shag?
23
00:01:13,960 --> 00:01:15,159
A shag!
A shag.
24
00:01:15,160 --> 00:01:17,959
Yes, I've been thinking about that
a lot recently.
25
00:01:17,960 --> 00:01:20,999
Choppy and erratic.
Dangerous and wrong.
26
00:01:21,000 --> 00:01:22,960
Tousled by a bald man.
27
00:01:27,911 --> 00:01:29,999
BOB HUMMING
28
00:01:30,000 --> 00:01:32,960
PHONE RINGING
Oop!
29
00:01:32,961 --> 00:01:34,959
ON PHONE: 'Bob!'
30
00:01:34,960 --> 00:01:38,319
Ah, Julie!
Would you care for a cup of tea?
31
00:01:38,320 --> 00:01:40,959
'Oh, I'm sorry. I thought I was
calling a senior police offer.
32
00:01:40,960 --> 00:01:42,959
'I seem to have come through
to Starbucks.'
33
00:01:42,960 --> 00:01:44,479
I've just made one
so it's no trouble.
34
00:01:44,480 --> 00:01:45,959
'Trouble! Trouble?!'
35
00:01:45,960 --> 00:01:47,959
We are in trouble
up to our tits, Bob!
36
00:01:47,960 --> 00:01:48,999
We've got to stop Cunningham.
37
00:01:49,000 --> 00:01:51,959
If we can just find a way
to get rid of that crazy bastard,
38
00:01:51,960 --> 00:01:54,959
then both of our jobs are safe.
Do you understand?
39
00:01:54,960 --> 00:01:55,959
If you say so.
40
00:01:55,960 --> 00:01:57,959
Now, I hate to think of you
as any sort of partner,
41
00:01:57,960 --> 00:02:00,959
but do you think Cunningham
has any skeletons in his closet?
42
00:02:00,960 --> 00:02:01,959
I mean, literally would be ideal.
43
00:02:01,960 --> 00:02:04,959
So, you can ask him,
he... he's right here.
44
00:02:04,960 --> 00:02:06,160
You're on speakerphone.
45
00:02:06,960 --> 00:02:09,479
Which were the exact words
that Melanie said,
46
00:02:09,480 --> 00:02:11,959
and I said, "Melanie,
how dare you be so rude
47
00:02:11,960 --> 00:02:13,640
"about our lovely Chief..."
48
00:02:14,960 --> 00:02:16,959
It's...
49
00:02:16,960 --> 00:02:18,799
It's, erm, wrong number, Sir.
50
00:02:18,800 --> 00:02:20,320
Oh, my God!
51
00:02:21,960 --> 00:02:24,959
Taylor Swift writes
the most incredible lyrics.
52
00:02:24,960 --> 00:02:26,959
She... She knows exactly how I feel!
53
00:02:26,960 --> 00:02:30,959
She's actually describing my life.
54
00:02:30,960 --> 00:02:32,010
It's incredible!
55
00:02:32,960 --> 00:02:36,320
I don't know how she does it.
I really don't. It's MY life!
56
00:02:38,640 --> 00:02:40,959
Dostoyevsky.
What's he, Special Branch?
57
00:02:40,960 --> 00:02:43,959
He was writing phone-snatching
reports when I knew him,
58
00:02:43,960 --> 00:02:44,999
then he goes
and writes a training guide.
59
00:02:45,000 --> 00:02:47,959
Oh, my God! It's the biggest
disaster in the world ever.
60
00:02:47,960 --> 00:02:49,959
Oh, no, did Instagram go down
for five minutes?
61
00:02:49,960 --> 00:02:51,959
No, it's worse! There's no music.
62
00:02:51,960 --> 00:02:53,959
Music doesn't exist?
At the wedding.
63
00:02:53,960 --> 00:02:55,319
They've pulled out.
Who have?
64
00:02:55,320 --> 00:02:57,319
Shit Hot Red Peppers.
Never heard of them.
65
00:02:57,320 --> 00:02:58,799
They're a tribute band.
66
00:02:58,800 --> 00:03:00,959
Who are they a tribute to?
Red Hot Chili Peppers.
67
00:03:00,960 --> 00:03:02,959
Oh, right, I thought
you were gonna say Coldplay.
68
00:03:02,960 --> 00:03:06,959
They're Jack's favourite band.
Erm, Chili Peppers, not Coldplay.
69
00:03:06,960 --> 00:03:08,959
I could sing for you.
What?
70
00:03:08,960 --> 00:03:10,959
Yeah. I'll be your wedding singer.
71
00:03:10,960 --> 00:03:12,010
SHE LAUGHS
72
00:03:13,480 --> 00:03:15,959
But, seriously, what am I gonna do?
73
00:03:15,960 --> 00:03:16,959
I can actually sing.
74
00:03:16,960 --> 00:03:18,959
Well, what would you be,
75
00:03:18,960 --> 00:03:22,959
like, George Michael
or, like, Robbie Williams?
76
00:03:22,960 --> 00:03:24,959
No, I'd...
I'd just be myself, I think.
77
00:03:24,960 --> 00:03:26,959
A bit boring. No offence there.
78
00:03:26,960 --> 00:03:29,959
How could I possibly be offended?
What would you sing?
79
00:03:29,960 --> 00:03:32,959
I'd... I'd do something
especially for the occasion.
80
00:03:32,960 --> 00:03:33,959
You'd do that for me?
81
00:03:33,960 --> 00:03:34,959
Yeah.
PHONE BUZZES
82
00:03:34,960 --> 00:03:36,959
And I'd get Ed Sheeran
to throw in a few lyrics
83
00:03:36,960 --> 00:03:38,100
cos we're pretty close.
84
00:03:38,960 --> 00:03:41,959
Oh, they can do it now.
They've managed to hire another van.
85
00:03:41,960 --> 00:03:46,959
Phew. Good, cos, er, I know Ed's
pretty busy at the minute, so...
86
00:03:46,960 --> 00:03:48,960
Yeah, phew!
87
00:03:49,960 --> 00:03:52,959
That was really kind, though,
that offer.
88
00:03:52,960 --> 00:03:54,520
I will sing at your next wedding.
89
00:03:55,320 --> 00:03:57,960
You had to go and spoil it,
didn't you? Mm-hm.
90
00:04:04,960 --> 00:04:07,959
Sorry... Sorry, excuse me.
Have you seen Melanie?
91
00:04:07,960 --> 00:04:09,959
She's... She's about this tall,
92
00:04:09,960 --> 00:04:11,639
very plain-looking,
a bit cardigan-y?
93
00:04:11,640 --> 00:04:12,910
I am Melanie.
HE STUTTERS
94
00:04:13,960 --> 00:04:16,639
Sorry, I didn't...
I didn't spot you there under...
95
00:04:16,640 --> 00:04:18,959
under all that, er, nonsense.
96
00:04:18,960 --> 00:04:21,959
The... Ah! Ah! Is, er...?
97
00:04:21,960 --> 00:04:23,959
Is this for me?
98
00:04:23,960 --> 00:04:26,959
This cake? No.
This cake is for someone else.
99
00:04:26,960 --> 00:04:28,959
Someone else?
Yes.
100
00:04:28,960 --> 00:04:30,959
Is that a problem, Sir?
No, no.
101
00:04:30,960 --> 00:04:32,959
It's just, normally,
the... the cakes are for me.
102
00:04:32,960 --> 00:04:36,319
I know, but this time,
I've decided it's for someone else.
103
00:04:36,320 --> 00:04:38,959
Right. I've made a lot of cakes
for you, you see,
104
00:04:38,960 --> 00:04:41,639
and you've never made one back.
105
00:04:41,640 --> 00:04:42,959
Unusual shape, isn't it?
106
00:04:42,960 --> 00:04:45,959
It's a self-portrait.
Yeah, but you're not diamond shaped.
107
00:04:45,960 --> 00:04:47,959
It's a self-portrait of my vagina.
108
00:04:47,960 --> 00:04:49,010
HIGH-PITCHED: So...
109
00:04:54,960 --> 00:04:56,959
HE BLOWS
110
00:04:56,960 --> 00:04:58,010
HE WHIMPERS
111
00:05:14,960 --> 00:05:17,959
What are your scuzzy little family
up to, eh?
112
00:05:17,960 --> 00:05:21,479
Any crimes afoot?
I'm on it. I'm like Jason Prawn.
113
00:05:21,480 --> 00:05:23,959
AMERICAN ACCENT: "I'll get you
the intel, goddamn it."
114
00:05:23,960 --> 00:05:25,799
MUTTERS: Dear God.
115
00:05:25,800 --> 00:05:28,959
Now, then,
engaging with the community.
116
00:05:28,960 --> 00:05:29,999
We must all work together.
117
00:05:30,000 --> 00:05:34,959
Policing's not possible without
the cooperation of the public.
118
00:05:34,960 --> 00:05:36,479
Unless you live in Russia
or something.
119
00:05:36,480 --> 00:05:37,959
Thankfully, we don't live in Russia.
120
00:05:37,960 --> 00:05:41,959
Er, who knows
what a police state is?
121
00:05:41,960 --> 00:05:44,959
That'd be like if, er,
me and Afia went out for dinner.
122
00:05:44,960 --> 00:05:46,959
In your dreams.
No, not... not a date.
123
00:05:46,960 --> 00:05:48,959
A state, a police state.
124
00:05:48,960 --> 00:05:50,799
Actually, we're not really
police officers,
125
00:05:50,800 --> 00:05:52,959
so it'd be more like if you
and Superintendent Spry
126
00:05:52,960 --> 00:05:54,959
were getting it on.
BOB STUTTERS
127
00:05:54,960 --> 00:05:55,959
That's not gonna happen.
128
00:05:55,960 --> 00:05:57,959
Because you're, like, 80, so...
129
00:05:57,960 --> 00:05:59,799
No, no. Because she's...
Ugly?
130
00:05:59,800 --> 00:06:02,959
No, because she's, you know...
she's...
131
00:06:02,960 --> 00:06:04,959
Parks her car in a different bay.
132
00:06:04,960 --> 00:06:08,959
So, anyway, the point is,
we do not live in a police state.
133
00:06:08,960 --> 00:06:10,959
We are free to say what we want,
do what we want.
134
00:06:10,960 --> 00:06:14,959
As far as I'm concerned, this is the
most important area of police work.
135
00:06:14,960 --> 00:06:16,959
"The pubic area"?
136
00:06:16,960 --> 00:06:18,959
Hm?
ALL CHUCKLE
137
00:06:18,960 --> 00:06:20,479
Who did this?
Did what?
138
00:06:20,480 --> 00:06:22,959
What's the problem?
You cannot touch the whiteboard!
139
00:06:22,960 --> 00:06:25,959
You just said we can do
what we want in this country. No.
140
00:06:25,960 --> 00:06:28,959
Not if it's subversive or rude.
Is it actually illegal, though?
141
00:06:28,960 --> 00:06:30,959
No, I don't...
I don't care about the law.
142
00:06:30,960 --> 00:06:33,959
No, people who engage in rubbing
and wiping what isn't theirs, is...
143
00:06:33,960 --> 00:06:36,959
It's the lowest of the low.
You're all gonna be punished!
144
00:06:36,960 --> 00:06:37,959
That's not fair!
145
00:06:37,960 --> 00:06:39,959
You don't know whether it was
one of us that did it.
146
00:06:39,960 --> 00:06:42,959
Not fair? Not fair?
But if you just listen to Afia...
147
00:06:42,960 --> 00:06:44,959
I'll decide what...
what... what she thinks.
148
00:06:44,960 --> 00:06:46,959
Isn't it better to engage?
Positive interaction.
149
00:06:46,960 --> 00:06:48,959
You can't just say what you want.
Freedom of speech? No!
150
00:06:48,960 --> 00:06:51,959
SHOUTING: Just shut up! Shut up!
151
00:06:51,960 --> 00:06:54,959
Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!
Shut up! Shut up!
152
00:06:54,960 --> 00:06:59,639
I'll decide what is what,
and who is who, and why is why.
153
00:06:59,640 --> 00:07:01,959
Nobody is to speak for a week!
All right!
154
00:07:01,960 --> 00:07:04,959
A-A-A da... A-A-A day.
155
00:07:04,960 --> 00:07:08,479
No, an hour.
One... Nobody... Is that clear?
156
00:07:08,480 --> 00:07:10,320
I said, is that clear?
157
00:07:11,320 --> 00:07:12,959
Right. Thank you.
158
00:07:12,960 --> 00:07:15,960
Except... Except for you.
You're fine.
159
00:07:22,320 --> 00:07:23,959
I'd like some advice.
160
00:07:23,960 --> 00:07:26,959
Oh, my God. Is she OK?
The thing is...
161
00:07:26,960 --> 00:07:28,959
The thing is...
162
00:07:28,960 --> 00:07:30,959
There's this... RPG.
163
00:07:30,960 --> 00:07:32,959
Role-playing game
on your computer.
164
00:07:32,960 --> 00:07:33,959
I know what it is, thank you.
165
00:07:33,960 --> 00:07:35,159
And there's a character -
166
00:07:35,160 --> 00:07:41,639
a really smart, feisty young woman
who gets into a sticky situation.
167
00:07:41,640 --> 00:07:42,959
Is she attacked by a zombie?
168
00:07:42,960 --> 00:07:44,999
Well, she kind of thought
it was a zombie at first,
169
00:07:45,000 --> 00:07:48,959
but then she realises
that maybe he wasn't after all.
170
00:07:48,960 --> 00:07:51,959
And perhaps she regrets
what she did.
171
00:07:51,960 --> 00:07:53,959
What did she do?
She bit his head off.
172
00:07:53,960 --> 00:07:56,159
Whoa, sweet!
Oh, I see.
173
00:07:56,160 --> 00:07:58,959
Yeah, no coming back from that.
That zombie is done.
174
00:07:58,960 --> 00:07:59,959
What? Do you reckon?
175
00:07:59,960 --> 00:08:02,479
Sounds like you should start again.
Maybe go and apologise?
176
00:08:02,480 --> 00:08:03,959
AFIA LAUGHS
What? Are you mad, Geeta?
177
00:08:03,960 --> 00:08:06,479
What if it is a zombie?
It can re-generate.
178
00:08:06,480 --> 00:08:08,959
I'd take my chances.
Oh, wow! You'd be a rubbish gamer.
179
00:08:08,960 --> 00:08:10,960
I mean... Pfft. Wow.
180
00:08:12,711 --> 00:08:15,959
He's only gone
and spent our pensions
181
00:08:15,960 --> 00:08:18,959
on a giant statue
of Taylor fucking Swift.
182
00:08:18,960 --> 00:08:21,959
Oh, I think we need to have
a little word with our chief super.
183
00:08:21,960 --> 00:08:23,959
Yes.
We won't be forced out.
184
00:08:23,960 --> 00:08:26,959
No, we certainly won't.
I'll rabbit punch him in the cock,
185
00:08:26,960 --> 00:08:27,959
and you rabbit punch him
in the bumhole.
186
00:08:27,960 --> 00:08:29,959
Yes... No. What?
187
00:08:29,960 --> 00:08:33,959
Right, we are prepared to
physically fight to keep our jobs.
188
00:08:33,960 --> 00:08:35,959
If anything,
we should be getting a raise -
189
00:08:35,960 --> 00:08:37,959
the bollocks we put up with in here.
190
00:08:37,960 --> 00:08:39,959
I actually find the job
quite relaxing.
191
00:08:39,960 --> 00:08:41,959
That's because you
don't actually do the job, Bob.
192
00:08:41,960 --> 00:08:42,959
Well, what have you got to say
to that?
193
00:08:42,960 --> 00:08:44,960
Yeah, come on, you.
Mm.
194
00:08:51,311 --> 00:08:55,959
Oh, my God, he's dead.
What do you mean, "He's dead"?!
195
00:08:55,960 --> 00:08:57,159
I mean, he's dead.
196
00:08:57,160 --> 00:08:59,799
Glassy eyes, no breath...
197
00:08:59,800 --> 00:09:00,999
and a death erection.
198
00:09:01,000 --> 00:09:02,959
Oh, my God, the angel of lust.
199
00:09:02,960 --> 00:09:04,959
I-It's drained all the blood
from his body
200
00:09:04,960 --> 00:09:07,319
and popped it in... into his...
whatnot.
201
00:09:07,320 --> 00:09:09,959
Do you think he could have had
a heart attack or a stroke?
202
00:09:09,960 --> 00:09:12,799
No, it's death by natural causes,
obviously.
203
00:09:12,800 --> 00:09:13,959
BOTH GASP
204
00:09:13,960 --> 00:09:15,960
Did you do that, Bob?
No.
205
00:09:18,000 --> 00:09:19,480
Is...?
206
00:09:20,960 --> 00:09:22,959
Oh.
207
00:09:22,960 --> 00:09:24,959
What's... What's this?
208
00:09:24,960 --> 00:09:27,959
"Bob Weekes."
Signed appraisal forms.
209
00:09:27,960 --> 00:09:30,959
It's... It's a list
of all my tiny indiscretions.
210
00:09:30,960 --> 00:09:33,159
Well, at least he did
something useful before he croaked.
211
00:09:33,160 --> 00:09:34,959
I'm gonna have to get rid
of the evidence.
212
00:09:34,960 --> 00:09:36,959
I'll get Melanie
and get an ambulance.
213
00:09:36,960 --> 00:09:38,959
Just... Oh!
214
00:09:38,960 --> 00:09:40,959
Ah... Er...
215
00:09:40,960 --> 00:09:42,010
Oh...
216
00:09:46,480 --> 00:09:47,960
GASPS DEEPLY
217
00:09:48,960 --> 00:09:51,959
Sorry. Didn't realise you were here.
218
00:09:51,960 --> 00:09:54,319
Deep meditative state.
Totally zoned out.
219
00:09:54,320 --> 00:09:56,959
Method acting, you know?
220
00:09:56,960 --> 00:09:59,959
Channelling my role as Paul Renauld.
221
00:09:59,960 --> 00:10:00,959
Who?
A French millionaire
222
00:10:00,960 --> 00:10:02,959
in Agatha Christie's
Murder On The Links
223
00:10:02,960 --> 00:10:04,959
for the Norbourne Players.
224
00:10:04,960 --> 00:10:07,959
I get stabbed in the back and
have to stay dead for 40 minutes.
225
00:10:07,960 --> 00:10:10,999
They drone on, so, you know,
have to learn to zone out.
226
00:10:11,000 --> 00:10:12,960
CUNNINGHAM CHUCKLES
Oh.
227
00:10:13,960 --> 00:10:16,959
And you can return that
when it comes out the other end.
228
00:10:16,960 --> 00:10:18,960
BOB GROANS
Er, bottoms up!
229
00:10:19,960 --> 00:10:23,799
All the others filled this in
a week ago. You're late.
230
00:10:23,800 --> 00:10:26,959
We need to touch base
on how you're settling in mentally.
231
00:10:26,960 --> 00:10:27,959
Sorry, "mentally"?
232
00:10:27,960 --> 00:10:29,959
Yeah, yeah,
it's a big thing these days.
233
00:10:29,960 --> 00:10:31,959
Just say, "All's good,"
and I can tick the box.
234
00:10:31,960 --> 00:10:34,959
Well, there's a few things...
That you'd rather keep to yourself?
235
00:10:34,960 --> 00:10:37,959
No, I want to share them with you.
Great (!)
236
00:10:37,960 --> 00:10:38,959
Can you keep it to three lines?
237
00:10:38,960 --> 00:10:41,959
Well, I am quite mentally stressed.
Good!
238
00:10:41,960 --> 00:10:43,959
Short, to the point,
fits in the little box.
239
00:10:43,960 --> 00:10:46,319
Because I transferred here
to find someone. Surely, that's it.
240
00:10:46,320 --> 00:10:48,959
To find the police officer
who got my mother pregnant with me,
241
00:10:48,960 --> 00:10:49,959
and he died in a shroud of mystery.
242
00:10:49,960 --> 00:10:52,959
I'll just put "bastard,
father unknown, police officer".
243
00:10:52,960 --> 00:10:54,959
My journey has led me
across nine continents,
244
00:10:54,960 --> 00:10:58,959
tracing tenuous leads hither
and tither until I am now this close
245
00:10:58,960 --> 00:11:01,959
to finding the elusive scoundrel,
who I believe to be 8' 6"
246
00:11:01,960 --> 00:11:03,959
with a handlebar moustache.
247
00:11:03,960 --> 00:11:05,700
Enough bollocks, thank you. Go away.
248
00:11:06,960 --> 00:11:08,959
Sorry. Sorry to bother you.
249
00:11:08,960 --> 00:11:10,959
We haven't been introduced.
I've told you, it's me.
250
00:11:10,960 --> 00:11:12,959
HE EXCLAIMS
Oh, it's... Yeah, sorry.
251
00:11:12,960 --> 00:11:14,959
Oh, it's, er... You're not gonna...?
252
00:11:14,960 --> 00:11:15,959
Oh!
253
00:11:15,960 --> 00:11:18,960
The mental health forms
for all the recruits.
254
00:11:20,320 --> 00:11:23,959
Oh. Connor Swift. Yeah.
255
00:11:23,960 --> 00:11:24,959
"Father unknown."
256
00:11:24,960 --> 00:11:26,959
Er, "Police officer.
257
00:11:26,960 --> 00:11:30,639
"Born 1998 in England."
258
00:11:30,640 --> 00:11:32,999
HE GASPS
Oh!
259
00:11:33,000 --> 00:11:36,999
I-I myself was stationed
in England in 1998.
260
00:11:37,000 --> 00:11:38,959
HE GASPS
261
00:11:38,960 --> 00:11:40,960
Melanie...
Mm?
262
00:11:41,960 --> 00:11:44,959
Erm, could... could you please
get me a DNA testing kit
263
00:11:44,960 --> 00:11:46,959
and keep it under your hat?
264
00:11:46,960 --> 00:11:47,959
"Under my hat"?
Mm.
265
00:11:47,960 --> 00:11:50,799
Well, then take it out from under
your hat and give it to me. Why?
266
00:11:50,800 --> 00:11:53,959
I... just want to double-check that,
267
00:11:53,960 --> 00:11:56,959
that I'm not... not
the King of Scotland or...
268
00:11:56,960 --> 00:11:58,960
HE EXHALES SHARPLY
Yeah.
269
00:12:01,960 --> 00:12:04,159
PAUL WHISTLES
I mean, I like it.
270
00:12:04,160 --> 00:12:06,959
It's, like, ethereal and sexy
all at the same time.
271
00:12:06,960 --> 00:12:08,959
Do you think Jack will cry
when I wear this?
272
00:12:08,960 --> 00:12:11,799
I really want him to cry loads
when I walk down the aisle.
273
00:12:11,800 --> 00:12:13,959
Like, sob.
Not snot, but, like, proper tears.
274
00:12:13,960 --> 00:12:16,959
And also, I want him
to have a bit of an erection,
275
00:12:16,960 --> 00:12:19,959
which is why I'm modelling it
in front of you lot, not the girls.
276
00:12:19,960 --> 00:12:20,959
It's giving me a lump in the throat.
277
00:12:20,960 --> 00:12:23,479
Yeah, it's giving me a lump
in the groin, if that helps.
278
00:12:23,480 --> 00:12:26,480
He means an ethereal lump,
obviously. Thank you, Paul.
279
00:12:28,320 --> 00:12:31,960
Aw!
Yeah, I'd better change.
280
00:12:42,800 --> 00:12:43,960
DAZ TITTERS
281
00:12:44,960 --> 00:12:46,800
Can I try some?
282
00:12:50,960 --> 00:12:53,799
Mmm. Oh!
283
00:12:53,800 --> 00:12:55,959
Everything all right, Bob?
Yeah, yeah.
284
00:12:55,960 --> 00:13:00,799
Oh, nothing, just... just watching
another man eating my vagina cake.
285
00:13:00,800 --> 00:13:02,959
Oh. As long as it's nothing serious.
286
00:13:02,960 --> 00:13:04,010
DAZ CHUCKLES
287
00:13:07,960 --> 00:13:09,010
BOTH GIGGLE
288
00:13:10,480 --> 00:13:11,640
EXHALES SHARPLY
289
00:13:23,480 --> 00:13:24,959
You all right, Sir?
Right.
290
00:13:24,960 --> 00:13:28,959
I'm... I'm just so thirsty.
291
00:13:28,960 --> 00:13:29,959
Er, can I get you a coffee?
292
00:13:29,960 --> 00:13:31,959
Well, can you?
Yeah.
293
00:13:31,960 --> 00:13:33,959
It's just that Melanie
normally furnishes me
294
00:13:33,960 --> 00:13:34,959
with a... with the coffee.
295
00:13:34,960 --> 00:13:36,159
She's not tending to me.
296
00:13:36,160 --> 00:13:38,959
Apparently, she... she makes it
in a special way.
297
00:13:38,960 --> 00:13:40,959
Come on, let me try.
Oh.
298
00:13:40,960 --> 00:13:42,959
Erm, er...
Milk? Sugar?
299
00:13:42,960 --> 00:13:46,959
Erm, yes, but Melanie
normally does... does all that. I...
300
00:13:46,960 --> 00:13:49,959
Well, is it black like that
or, like, a different colour?
301
00:13:49,960 --> 00:13:52,959
Oh, it's... it's like... like that,
I think. It's, erm...
302
00:13:52,960 --> 00:13:54,959
BOB SLURPS
303
00:13:54,960 --> 00:13:56,800
COFFEE SLOSHING
304
00:13:57,960 --> 00:13:59,010
BOB EXCLAIMS
305
00:14:00,960 --> 00:14:02,959
This is it. It's...
306
00:14:02,960 --> 00:14:05,959
It's exactly how Melanie makes it.
How did you know?
307
00:14:05,960 --> 00:14:07,959
It's just the way
that I have it, Sir.
308
00:14:07,960 --> 00:14:10,959
Oh... We... Why...
309
00:14:10,960 --> 00:14:14,319
Thank you. Thank you, s-son.
310
00:14:14,320 --> 00:14:15,959
Pardon me?
Some... Some...
311
00:14:15,960 --> 00:14:17,959
Some of this... sheer...
312
00:14:17,960 --> 00:14:19,959
Chum...
BOB STUTTERS
313
00:14:19,960 --> 00:14:21,799
Oh, yeah.
You're welcome.
314
00:14:21,800 --> 00:14:22,960
Oh.
315
00:14:24,960 --> 00:14:28,960
My son made me a cup of coffee.
316
00:14:31,960 --> 00:14:34,959
All right, Aunty Nooch,
how are things?
317
00:14:34,960 --> 00:14:36,959
What?
What's going down? What's up?
318
00:14:36,960 --> 00:14:38,959
I can't be seen
just talking to you.
319
00:14:38,960 --> 00:14:41,319
You've got to order something
so's people can hear.
320
00:14:41,320 --> 00:14:43,959
Right, of course.
What would you like, my love? Erm...
321
00:14:43,960 --> 00:14:45,999
Well, I'd like
an electric scooter, please.
322
00:14:46,000 --> 00:14:49,639
Something to eat.
Oh, yeah. Er...
323
00:14:49,640 --> 00:14:51,959
A coconut.
Something that we serve.
324
00:14:51,960 --> 00:14:53,999
Oh, of course, yeah.
Erm, I'd like some gravy.
325
00:14:54,000 --> 00:14:56,959
Gravy, please.
Just gravy, is it?
326
00:14:56,960 --> 00:14:59,160
Mm-hm, in a straight glass.
Right.
327
00:15:00,160 --> 00:15:02,799
What do you want?
I just told you, gravy.
328
00:15:02,800 --> 00:15:03,959
No, we've done that bit.
329
00:15:03,960 --> 00:15:05,959
I'm getting your gravy.
Why are you here?
330
00:15:05,960 --> 00:15:07,959
I was just wondering
if there are any plans afoot.
331
00:15:07,960 --> 00:15:10,959
"Afoot"? Yeah, you know, like,
what's the word on the street?
332
00:15:10,960 --> 00:15:14,799
I'm sure the word isn't "afoot".
Not on my street.
333
00:15:14,800 --> 00:15:16,959
Well, I overheard my dad talking
about some ointment.
334
00:15:16,960 --> 00:15:18,159
Ointment?
Pigment.
335
00:15:18,160 --> 00:15:19,959
Shipment?
A shipment, yeah.
336
00:15:19,960 --> 00:15:23,479
They're taking delivery on Saturday.
Did you order it online?
337
00:15:23,480 --> 00:15:25,959
Fuck's sake, no.
It's a delicate bit of trade.
338
00:15:25,960 --> 00:15:27,959
Know what I mean?
Just as well you didn't.
339
00:15:27,960 --> 00:15:29,959
Them delivery drivers
just chuck it behind the bins.
340
00:15:29,960 --> 00:15:32,959
It's a big deal. Are you in?
It doesn't matter if I'm in.
341
00:15:32,960 --> 00:15:34,959
They don't even ring the bell.
In on the job.
342
00:15:34,960 --> 00:15:36,959
It's all going down
at the old bakery.
343
00:15:36,960 --> 00:15:39,639
What's that, a pub?
No, it's an old bakery.
344
00:15:39,640 --> 00:15:42,319
But if your dad hasn't told you,
then you ain't supposed to know.
345
00:15:42,320 --> 00:15:44,959
No, no. Of course he told me.
He tol... He...
346
00:15:44,960 --> 00:15:46,959
He told me on... on the down below.
347
00:15:46,960 --> 00:15:48,959
On the down-low?
Yeah.
348
00:15:48,960 --> 00:15:51,959
So, it's old bakery and shipment.
349
00:15:51,960 --> 00:15:54,319
Old bakery and shipment?
350
00:15:54,320 --> 00:15:56,959
Old bakery and shipment.
Old bakery and shipment.
351
00:15:56,960 --> 00:15:59,959
On three, weirdest celebrity
you've ever fancied.
352
00:15:59,960 --> 00:16:01,959
One, two, three. Miss Piggy.
Napoleon.
353
00:16:01,960 --> 00:16:05,960
Oh! All right, on three,
weirdest place you've ever done it.
354
00:16:07,160 --> 00:16:08,960
SHE MOUTHS
355
00:16:12,221 --> 00:16:14,959
Now, tell me what they're planning.
356
00:16:14,960 --> 00:16:17,959
They're receiving
a special chipmunk on Saturday.
357
00:16:17,960 --> 00:16:18,959
A chipmunk?
I think so.
358
00:16:18,960 --> 00:16:20,959
A shipment?
A shipment! Yeah, yeah, yeah.
359
00:16:20,960 --> 00:16:22,959
And they're taking delivery
on Saturday,
360
00:16:22,960 --> 00:16:23,959
and it's not the online people.
361
00:16:23,960 --> 00:16:25,319
I checked, which is just as well,
362
00:16:25,320 --> 00:16:27,959
cos them delivery drivers just
chuck the stuff behind the bins.
363
00:16:27,960 --> 00:16:31,159
They don't even ring the bell.
OK, OK. What are they delivering?
364
00:16:31,160 --> 00:16:34,479
I don't know, but it's a...
it's a delicate bit of trade.
365
00:16:34,480 --> 00:16:35,959
Right, what's that?
I don't know.
366
00:16:35,960 --> 00:16:37,959
It's just something she did.
She? Who's she?
367
00:16:37,960 --> 00:16:41,319
My dad. You know, er,
I sometimes call him "she".
368
00:16:41,320 --> 00:16:42,959
You can actually do that
these days.
369
00:16:42,960 --> 00:16:45,959
I think you might have misunderstood
the pronoun issue there.
370
00:16:45,960 --> 00:16:47,319
And it is happening
at the old cakery.
371
00:16:47,320 --> 00:16:48,799
Cakery?
Bakery.
372
00:16:48,800 --> 00:16:50,959
Bakery? What old bakery?
She didn't... He didn't...
373
00:16:50,960 --> 00:16:52,479
They didn't say.
OK.
374
00:16:52,480 --> 00:16:54,959
So, I've done my bit, haven't I?
SHE SIGHS
375
00:16:54,960 --> 00:16:57,959
You should go.
Thank you, Ma'am. Thank you.
376
00:16:57,960 --> 00:16:59,959
Oi, get back here!
You just told me I should go.
377
00:16:59,960 --> 00:17:03,959
No, you should go to the old bakery,
be part of the deal.
378
00:17:03,960 --> 00:17:05,999
But I'm not invited.
Well, get an invite.
379
00:17:06,000 --> 00:17:08,479
Ask your dad.
She'll let you go, won't she?
380
00:17:08,480 --> 00:17:10,959
My family don't trust me.
I don't trust me.
381
00:17:10,960 --> 00:17:12,959
Well, quite frankly,
I don't trust you,
382
00:17:12,960 --> 00:17:14,959
but I need to know
who else is involved.
383
00:17:14,960 --> 00:17:16,959
Now, we'll hide a wire
about your person.
384
00:17:16,960 --> 00:17:18,959
Which person?
About... About your person.
385
00:17:18,960 --> 00:17:19,959
What? I've got a person?
386
00:17:19,960 --> 00:17:21,960
Oh, Jesus, just fuck off
and work it out.
387
00:17:23,320 --> 00:17:24,960
Googling won't help.
388
00:17:27,160 --> 00:17:31,159
You must not swear at the public.
389
00:17:31,160 --> 00:17:33,959
Even if the wankers
are asking for it.
390
00:17:33,960 --> 00:17:36,479
Unless they use the F word.
391
00:17:36,480 --> 00:17:37,959
Or... Or even the C word.
392
00:17:37,960 --> 00:17:39,999
Or if they use the K word.
393
00:17:40,000 --> 00:17:41,959
The K word?
Yeah, you know.
394
00:17:41,960 --> 00:17:43,959
Yeah, I know. Of course I know.
395
00:17:43,960 --> 00:17:46,959
The S word?
I know all the words, OK?
396
00:17:46,960 --> 00:17:48,959
Which words mean
you can punch someone?
397
00:17:48,960 --> 00:17:50,959
No, my friend.
398
00:17:50,960 --> 00:17:54,959
Punching a suspect
will land you in the shit.
399
00:17:54,960 --> 00:17:56,959
Unless you're punching
in the sense of, like,
400
00:17:56,960 --> 00:17:58,959
punching above your weight,
like Danni and her fiance.
401
00:17:58,960 --> 00:18:00,959
Yes, that's fine.
Hang on, who's punching?
402
00:18:00,960 --> 00:18:02,959
No-one. It's not allowed.
403
00:18:02,960 --> 00:18:05,959
No, who's punching above
their weight in our relationship?
404
00:18:05,960 --> 00:18:07,959
In our relationship?
No, me and Jack.
405
00:18:07,960 --> 00:18:08,959
Well, you obviously.
406
00:18:08,960 --> 00:18:10,959
Rude! You don't even know
what he looks like.
407
00:18:10,960 --> 00:18:12,959
I'm going off
how you've described him.
408
00:18:12,960 --> 00:18:13,959
Well, I was just
probably exaggerating.
409
00:18:13,960 --> 00:18:15,959
He's not massively more
good looking than me.
410
00:18:15,960 --> 00:18:16,959
We're about the same...
411
00:18:16,960 --> 00:18:18,959
Oh, so he looks
like a big girl, then?
412
00:18:18,960 --> 00:18:21,639
You look like a big girl, then.
All right, shut up!
413
00:18:21,640 --> 00:18:24,799
Good afternoon, everyone.
Sorry to interrupt, Sergeant.
414
00:18:24,800 --> 00:18:27,799
Just there's been
a new policy initiative.
415
00:18:27,800 --> 00:18:31,959
The surprise testing
of police equipment.
416
00:18:31,960 --> 00:18:34,639
So, who can tell me what this is?
417
00:18:34,640 --> 00:18:36,959
That's an SBG.
No, but I know you know.
418
00:18:36,960 --> 00:18:41,959
No, it's an SBG,
a spit-and-bite guard.
419
00:18:41,960 --> 00:18:44,959
Now, then, I need a volunteer
to spit at me.
420
00:18:44,960 --> 00:18:47,959
Anyone? Erm...
421
00:18:47,960 --> 00:18:49,479
Let's have you. Let's have you.
Oh!
422
00:18:49,480 --> 00:18:51,959
Round here. There, how's that feel?
How's that feel?
423
00:18:51,960 --> 00:18:53,959
Er... Er, I mean,
it feels a bit gimpy.
424
00:18:53,960 --> 00:18:55,959
What's going on?
Won't be long, Sergeant.
425
00:18:55,960 --> 00:18:57,959
Erm, go on, then. Have a spit at me.
426
00:18:57,960 --> 00:18:58,959
Go on.
What, really?
427
00:18:58,960 --> 00:19:01,639
That's so gross.
He'll get it all over his face.
428
00:19:01,640 --> 00:19:03,799
No, I've got a wet wipe.
No worries about that.
429
00:19:03,800 --> 00:19:04,959
Go on, have a little spit.
Go on, go.
430
00:19:04,960 --> 00:19:05,999
Erm... Er...
Go on.
431
00:19:06,000 --> 00:19:08,159
CONNOR SPITS
Ugh! Good. Well done.
432
00:19:08,160 --> 00:19:09,959
And quick as we can,
let's get that off.
433
00:19:09,960 --> 00:19:14,159
And... pop it in the bag. That's it.
434
00:19:14,160 --> 00:19:15,959
And finally,
I've got a wet wipe for you.
435
00:19:15,960 --> 00:19:18,959
Well done, everyone.
That was excellent.
436
00:19:18,960 --> 00:19:21,320
Er, carry on, Sergeant. Thank you.
437
00:19:22,960 --> 00:19:26,960
Knob! That's the K word!
438
00:19:34,960 --> 00:19:36,959
Er, hi, Jasim.
439
00:19:36,960 --> 00:19:38,959
You wanna cut off my balls,
wear them as earrings?
440
00:19:38,960 --> 00:19:40,159
Ha... No.
441
00:19:40,160 --> 00:19:41,959
What do you want, then?
442
00:19:41,960 --> 00:19:44,959
I just wanted to say I'm s...
443
00:19:44,960 --> 00:19:46,959
Solid?
No, I'm s...
444
00:19:46,960 --> 00:19:49,959
Sordid, succulent,
salad dressing, what?
445
00:19:49,960 --> 00:19:51,320
I am...
446
00:19:52,640 --> 00:19:54,999
..s-speaking an apology.
447
00:19:55,000 --> 00:19:57,159
"Speaking an apology"?
Oh...
448
00:19:57,160 --> 00:19:59,959
What language is that?
Don't make this hard for me.
449
00:19:59,960 --> 00:20:02,959
Oh, like you made it easy for me
when I asked you out? I'm sorry, OK?
450
00:20:02,960 --> 00:20:04,479
There it is.
451
00:20:04,480 --> 00:20:08,959
Oh, shit! Genuinely didn't know
I could do that. Wow!
452
00:20:08,960 --> 00:20:10,799
New word, is it?
Pretty much.
453
00:20:10,800 --> 00:20:14,959
The thing is, I've had my eyes
opened really wide recently.
454
00:20:14,960 --> 00:20:15,959
Surgically?
455
00:20:15,960 --> 00:20:17,959
I've seen people
in a different light.
456
00:20:17,960 --> 00:20:19,799
You can see urine and semen
if it's ultraviolet.
457
00:20:19,800 --> 00:20:20,959
Yes, I know that.
Bloods, detergents...
458
00:20:20,960 --> 00:20:23,959
BOTH: Antifreeze, tooth whitener...
Types of fungal infections.
459
00:20:23,960 --> 00:20:26,959
Yes, yes.
Our group did all of this, too.
460
00:20:26,960 --> 00:20:29,960
Who have you seen
in a different light?
461
00:20:30,960 --> 00:20:32,959
You.
Have I got a fungal infection?
462
00:20:32,960 --> 00:20:34,959
Bloody hope not.
463
00:20:34,960 --> 00:20:38,330
Otherwise, I might have to change
my mind about you being, you know...
464
00:20:38,881 --> 00:20:40,959
..someone to go out with.
465
00:20:40,960 --> 00:20:43,960
Oh. I see.
466
00:20:45,800 --> 00:20:48,959
So I win.
No. I win.
467
00:20:48,960 --> 00:20:50,959
No, I win.
We both win?
468
00:20:50,960 --> 00:20:52,960
Deal.
469
00:21:01,960 --> 00:21:03,959
What you doing? Oh, leave off!
470
00:21:03,960 --> 00:21:05,520
Watch the paintwork, will you?
471
00:21:06,960 --> 00:21:08,959
I'm in.
Yeah, I can see that.
472
00:21:08,960 --> 00:21:10,639
I'm in.
In what?
473
00:21:10,640 --> 00:21:12,959
Incapable? Incontinent?
What are you on about?
474
00:21:12,960 --> 00:21:14,159
I'm in. Saturday night.
475
00:21:14,160 --> 00:21:16,479
Lovely. Well, put the telly on,
have a little wank,
476
00:21:16,480 --> 00:21:18,959
get yourself a Maccy D's.
Not necessarily in that order.
477
00:21:18,960 --> 00:21:21,959
I'm coming... to the old bakery.
478
00:21:21,960 --> 00:21:25,159
How'd you know about that?
I'm not as daft as people think.
479
00:21:25,160 --> 00:21:27,959
Who's been shooting their mouth off?
Fuck, I didn't hear about that.
480
00:21:27,960 --> 00:21:30,959
That's horrible.
No. Who's been telling you stuff?
481
00:21:30,960 --> 00:21:34,959
Oh, erm... Well, you know,
I-I've got to protect my sources.
482
00:21:34,960 --> 00:21:36,959
Fucking Aunty Nooch.
I am not.
483
00:21:36,960 --> 00:21:38,959
You are not coming on Saturday.
Why not?
484
00:21:38,960 --> 00:21:41,959
Fucking forget about it, all right?
It's too big of a deal.
485
00:21:41,960 --> 00:21:43,959
But how am I meant to use
my special skills?
486
00:21:43,960 --> 00:21:45,770
There's got to be something
I can do.
487
00:21:47,800 --> 00:21:50,959
Actually...
do you know what "expendable" means?
488
00:21:50,960 --> 00:21:53,319
No.
Great.
489
00:21:53,320 --> 00:21:55,959
What about "stooge"?
Oh, er, no.
490
00:21:55,960 --> 00:21:57,959
Fantastic.
491
00:21:57,960 --> 00:21:59,959
Well, look,
I'll tell you what I can do, I...
492
00:21:59,960 --> 00:22:02,959
Maybe have a little word with Dad,
you know?
493
00:22:02,960 --> 00:22:04,959
See if he'll let you do the handover
or something.
494
00:22:04,960 --> 00:22:06,959
Really? You tru...
You trust me with that? Yeah.
495
00:22:06,960 --> 00:22:08,959
Yeah, I reckon I do.
496
00:22:08,960 --> 00:22:11,959
Thanks, bruv. Yeah, you're the best.
497
00:22:11,960 --> 00:22:14,959
Now, get the fuck out of my car.
Oh, yeah, OK.
498
00:22:14,960 --> 00:22:17,959
Aw, what did I tell you
about shoes on the upholstery?
499
00:22:17,960 --> 00:22:19,959
Oi! They're my shoes, you prat.
500
00:22:19,960 --> 00:22:21,960
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