All language subtitles for Piglets s02e01 Mispers.eng

PANTING: They're coming!
Which... Which way?

RADIO: 'Huggins. Huggins.'
Oh, my God, it's all kicking off.

I'm going to the roof.
He's going to the roof.

MUFFLED:
Why is he going to the roof?

Oh, God!
PANTS

I'm gonna need a helicopter. Over.

Righto, coming up.
Do we have a helicopter?

'No, of course
we don't have a helicopter.'

Oh, my God, it's so high.

GUNSHOTS
Oh, God! They're shooting at me!

There's no more roof!

We're not in any danger down here,
though, are we, Huggins? Over.

Er, no. No, no, you're fine.

Oh...

Julie?

No signal.

Hello?

Must be a dead spot...

Oh, shit!

I love Mondays. Can't wait
to get the uniform back on.

Woo-hoo (!)

Haven't you missed the feel of
a professional crime-fighting fabric

against your skin, Geeta?

No, cos I wore mine all weekend.

Wore it to put the bins out.
Wore it to do the big shop.

Wore it to take the kids swimming.

But that's illegal.
Did you actually?

No, cos I'm not weird.

GRUNTING

Incoming!
Chief Super Cunningham, 11 o'clock.

Morning, morning, morning.
Eleven, twelve...

Ah, Bob, Julie.
Oh.

Just a heads up -

you may have to do without me
for a week at the end of the month.

Bloody Commonwealth
Policing Conference.

Oh, damn these conferences.

In the Bahamas.

The Bahamas?
The Bahamas in... in the sea?

Yes. Such a pain,
but someone's got to go.

I-I'll go!

Ah, someone of
Chief Superintendent rank and above.

That's higher than Superintendent,
isn't it? Just... Yeah, yeah.

Just checking.
Although, I am allowed a plus-one.

And given
Mrs Cunningham's current form...

Is she a horse? In Turkey.
She's getting her tits done.

..I am on the lookout
for a travelling companion.

Well, I've got several pairs
of Speedo trunks.

And I speak a smattering of...
English?

Yes. ..Baha... maramama.

I'll think about it.
Do you even own a passport, Bob?

Yes! Last used when I went to see
Michael Bilbao in Buble, thank you.

Hm, I can see advantages either way.
Bob has Speedo briefs.

I can get Speedo briefs.
Noted.

Give me - let me think -
the rest of the day.

HE CHUCKLES

Oh! Group B.
Ready or not, here I come.

I shall take that.

After all,
it is my specialist subject,

and luckily, I have just had
my scuba licence renewed, FYI.

It's not always some battle
to impress Cunningham.

Oh...

No, no.
It is that, isn't it? Yeah, yeah.

Anyway, I hereby delegate you
to be off in that direction now!

Thank you!

I mean, I transferred here
to be near my fiance, Jack.

He didn't want me
to join the police, actually.

He wanted me to be a florist,
which I totally understand

because, I mean,
who doesn't like flowers?

But every day,
flowers, flowers, flowers.

Boring, and you can't arrest
anyone with a flower can you?

Plus, you get a stab vest,
which you don't in retail.

Like, as a rule.
Anyway, so nice to meet you.

Was she talking to you?
I thought she was talking to you.

I think she was talking
when we came in. Good morning.

I'm locked, cocked and ready to...
What are we actually doing today?

Swinging our dicks around
by the looks of it.

Oh, hey!
You all right, Paul?

Have you had a perm?
What?

Oh, yeah.
My cousin Tilly is at hair school.

She said it will drop
a little bit...

Let's hope so.
You look like a cockapoo.

Aw, thank you.

So, for speed, "missing persons"

is commonly abbreviated
in police usage to "misper".

Doesn't seem like it would save
that much time, to be honest.

Two syllables in the police service
can be the difference

between life and being done
before Greggs closes.

Ah! Our very own missing persons.

Two new recruits
that have transferred to Norbourne.

God knows why.
Er, you, introduce yourself.

Oh, she's standing.

Student Officer Danni May Joyner,
soon to be Starky, nee Joyner.

I originally manifested to join
the police... Thank you, sit down.

I haven't finished introducing
myself. Yeah, you have.

What I was gonna say was the reason
why I wanted... I'm not interested.

The others might be.
No, they're not.

I am! Oh!
And I also wanted to say that I...

Sit down!
..am a Capricorn,

half vegetarian, shopaholic
and engaged to Jack.

You.

Do you want me to stand?
Preferably not.

Connor.
Thank you!

Cold, hard facts.

Half vegetarian -
is that like being half teetotal?

Sorry, are you talking to me?
No.

Ah, yes. Hanzel?

So if I'm out of the room

and I know where I am,
but you don't, am I missing?

Well, that would depend
on if anybody cared.

Obviously, I don't.

Can I report myself missing?

I'm literally begging
for you to consider it.

Are these lessons usually
so, like...? Like, philosophical?

I can think of my own words!

Yeah, OK. Philosophical.

So, Barakat.

What if someone called Miss Per
went missing?

Well, then, we just simply
wouldn't look for her.

Really?
No, not really.

Are we all gonna play
silly bastards, or can I continue?

Whoa! Whoa!

Speaking of bastards.

HUSHED: Mel... Melanie. Shh, shh.

Just got a question.

If you wanted to make someone
really like you... Yes?

..how do you think
you might go about that?

Gosh.
Maybe someone likes you already.

Do you think I'm in with a chance?

I don't want to be pushy.
No, not at all.

I think it's high time
you made an approach.

If only I knew
what an approach involved.

Thoughtful gift?
Yes, yes.

What kind of thoughtful gift
would show me in a good light?

Well, I've always been partial

to those chocolatey eggs
with the toys inside

or a silver charm
in the shape of a mermaid.

A burgundy lace bra.

I don't think Chief Superintendent
Cunningham wears ladies' things.

Oh, right. No.

Well, then, off the top of my head,

single malt, Cuban cigars,
monogrammed fucking velvet slippers.

Yes, yes, fetch them - slippers.
What size is he?

Six foot one.
Shoe!

All right, I will... No,
you need to find out his shoe size!

Yes, yes, velvety slippers!
N-Nippers.

Nipples. Not nipples.

It's nippy, that's all it is.

It's just nothing to... Get inside.

COUGHING

Sergeant Black.

DAZ: Ma'am.
Are you hiding?

No. The complete opposite.
The opposite of hiding?

Yeah. Not hiding.

Right now,
you'd normally be bullying B Group

in the gym, wouldn't you?
Yes, ma'am.

I mean, no, ma'am, not bullying.

Hang on a minute, you are
Sergeant Darren Black, are you not?

Yes, ma'am, that's me.
Sergeant "Anti-violence" Black.

You do know "anti" means against,
not "very much turned on by", right?

I'm not an idiot. We haven't really
got time to go into that right now.

But the fact remains,
you were seen to punch a trainee.

Who was?
You was.

And as someone so dedicated
to non-violence,

you'll be delighted to hear that
you've been assigned to complete

an anger-management course
or you are out on your hairy arse.

Oh, you fucking... beauty.

HE LAUGHS
Love them courses.

They're my favourite.

But that's not fair!

When is anyone gonna understand me?

Ooh, I don't know,

maybe when your face
stops looking like a bum.

I hate you!

All right, how you doing?

I'm just here
to officially check in,

I'm the new transfer student.
Hand.

Ow.

Don't wash it off, or I'll have
to use the micro-chipper.

That's lovely Melanie. She's, erm...

Where have you joined us from?

I'm from, the, erm...

Oh, the Falkland Islands, sir.

That's miles away! Is it? Are they?

Stanley.
Bob.

No, I'm actually from Stanley.
It's the capital.

I thought I detected
a slight accent.

Oh, aye, sir, still got a touch
of the local Stanley lilt.

You're very perceptive, sir.

Well, thank you very much.
Is there a lot of crime out there?

Yes, but it's mostly penguin based.

We've got a massive penguin problem,
sir.

A massive penguin? They start with
a bit of anti-social behaviour -

public urination,
that sort of thing.

Then they break into the people's
homes looking for fish.

BOB EXHALES SHARPLY
Then they end up in organised crime.

BOB CLICKS TONGUE

Sorry, it's bringing back
really bad memories for me.

If you'll excuse me?

Yes, of course.
You must do what you need to do.

Look out for the massive penguin!
I will. I really will, sir.

Ah, there you are!
Been looking everywhere for you.

Can I just stop you there?

I'm engaged.
Sorry?

I'm engaged.
So?

Well, I was just letting you know

before you start making a fool
out of yourself.

With the flirting and whatnot.
Right, OK.

It's just, I'm actually not the one
making a fool out of myself here.

Really? Cos it looked like
you was about to flirt...

Like, try and to flirt and whatnot?
Yeah, no.

Just trying to give you this back.
Oh!

You left it in the class.
Thanks.

You're all right.

Hi.
My mum and dad were engaged at 17.

They met when they was
only 11 years old.

They got married at 19
and had their first baby at 20.

OK.
I was baby number four.

They had four girls, I was the last.

I'm sorry to have asked you
about that.

Just tell me not to be so nosy
next time.

They thought I was gonna be a boy,
but I wasn't a boy,

and then my sisters,
they're all married, and I'm next.

I've got a job for you.
I've got a job.

Have you?
I'm head of HR.

Shit, are you?
Yes.

Oh, my God, I always thought you
were glorified work experience,

pretending to be Bob's PA.
No, I'm head of HR.

OK, let's just say
for a moment that you are -

we need to appoint
an anger management counsellor.

Well, I'll advertise, but I'm not
sure the budget will stretch.

Exactly, so we need to appoint you.
But I'm head of HR!

Are you, though?
Yes!

Well, it's Sergeant Darren Black's
last chance,

so read up on counselling
or hit him on the snout

with a rolled up newspaper -
I don't care.

But I do admin.

Well, then,
admin the fuck out of Daz

and make sure he doesn't punch,
kick or bite anyone.

I run this place. I can't follow
that twat around all day.

I'll give you an extra job title
on top of head of HR.

What job title?
Cock wrangler?

Done.
Pleasure doing business with you.

I don't mind what gender I have,
it's more about the person.

She can talk without breathing.
Do you think it's safe to go in?

Yeah, I think we can slip in
when she comes up for air.

My dad said
I'm his last hope of having a boy.

Sometimes, my dad runs away,
but my mum always finds him.

I was found at the top
of the Eiffel Tower.

What, in Blackpool?

The one in Paris.
When?

When I was born.

I told you he had a French accent.
So why are you not French, then?

Well, this very lovely couple
from Ballycastle found me there...

abandoned.

I had nothing but a croissant
to keep me warm.

That's why I can't look at a
French pastry without getting PTSD.

What, so they just stole you?

I don't really wanna talk about it.
It doesn't matter.

It does matter - that's a crime.

You can't take a baby
that's not yours.

They stole your life.
You could be a gendarme now.

I know!
That's a French policeman.

You need to get a DNA test done,

or, at the very least,
report your parents to Interpol.

Your actual mum
might be looking for you.

You might be an actual whisper.
Misper.

Who would steal a baby?
I'd rather have a croissant.

The college that you transferred
from, was it far from here?

A quarter of a million miles.
So you were training on the moon?

Ha! Don't be stupid. They're
really short of recruits up there.

So who's stupid now, Dev?

Measuring your penis again, Bob?
Might be.

Where are you going?
Nowhere.

You're going to see Cunningham,
aren't you? No.

Yeah,
being a little suck-up, as per.

Well, two can play at that game.

Two can play at any game.
Solitaire.

Er, no running in the corridor!

Is what I'd say
if I didn't value dynamism

and a go-getting attitude
in general.

THEY LAUGH

Speaking of which, is there anything
I can go and get you, sir?

Ooh.
Cup of tea, maybe?

I do like tea.

Or a coffee.
A big white flat coffee.

With a biscuit.
A great big biscuit, sir.

Mmm, a flat white flat
with a great big biscuit.

Mmm. Worth consideration.

Yeah, I shouldn't say this, sir,
but the canteen are holding back

some of those sausage rolls
that you like.

Mmm!

I've been known to snaffle
a porky product.

I'll go and get you one.
I'll get you a handful.

A handful's too many.
Damn it!

OK, so, sausage roll,
flat white coffee

and a great big biscuit?

A motorbike.
Hm?

I know where there is one.
Do you?

Er... hang gliding holiday.
Won it, don't want it. No, no, no.

I think I'm more of a luxury goods
and a sweet treats man, today.

But these are all great offers.
Lot to think about.

Lot to ponder.
Can I...?

Let me ponder.

Piece of fudge, sir?
Ooh, fudge! That's what I wanted.

CUNNINGHAM LAUGHS
Great work, Sergeant.

Piece of fudge?

I will. Thank you very much.

OK, so, this fag packet is you, OK?

This lighter is me.

Now, the fag packet is an informer,

or, as we say in the force, a prune.

Why am I a fag packet
if I'm really a prune?

Well, cos I didn't have
a prune in my bag.

They've got some in the canteen.
I couldn't be arsed, OK?

Now, your family here

are represented by
these hormone replacement pills...

Yeah, that's fair.
Wait do my family know I'm a prune?

Well, they're the ones
that planted you in here, Paul.

So, yeah, for clarity, they do.

But what they don't know is that
you are now working for us

as a double prune, and I wanna
keep it that way. Yeah, same.

So the wider criminal community are
represented by these dog biscuits.

Oh, what, have you got a dog?
No, I just like them.

Now, if this lot find out
that you are a double prune,

they're gonna throw you
onto the compost heap.

Or in this case,
a packet of panty liners. No!

Yes, but we're not gonna let
that happen, are we, Huggins?

I wanna just do whatever makes

the smallest number of people
angry with me. Exactly.

So you and I are gonna be doing
some training together.

We're gonna be learning
some new specialist skills

on how to avoid detection
and how to gather intel.

Paul Huggins, it is gonna be you
and me against the powers of evil!

Oh, my God, why?

Yes, it is exciting, isn't it?

Have you done something to your...?
Yeah, my cousin Tilly, she's a...

Don't care. Big mistake.

Wait, did I just eat my Dad?

Yes?

What?
What is it?

You what?

Me what?
What do you want?

What do I want?

I dunno, love.
You approached my cubby hole.

I never.
Yes, you did.

I never touched it.

My area, my space,
my special private sacred zone.

You've walked up to it.

Oh, yeah.
Yeah.

I did.
So?

I have to arrange thingummies.
Flowers?

Nah, with the you-know-who.
The anger manager.

That'll be me.
Fuck off!

Not sure you should talk to
your counsellor like that, Sergeant.

HE LAUGHS
OK.

All right, then. So when do we...
You know, when do we do it?

Is that a booking inquiry
or harassment?

It's a different file, you see.
That's all.

Booking!
Lovely.

Sign this, sign this and this.
Can you write?

Can those sausage fingers
hold a pen?

And I'll see you in Classroom C
at every day at 1:30.

That's during lunch,
you little freak!

Let's not raise our voice,
and let's not call people freaks.

Shall we call that homework?
HE GROWLS

MOCKINGLY:
Can you write? Can you hold a pen?

Can you write? Can you hold a pen?

Now, then, who knows what we mean
by the golden hour?

PAUL: Oh, sir!
Yes, Huggins?

It's when you go to the toilet
onto somebody because of sex.

That's a golden shower, Paul.
Oh.

No, the golden hour is all about
striking while the ironing's hot.

When someone goes missing,
the crucialest time

is the first 48 hours, which
is what we call the golden hour.

So there are 48 hours
in a golden hour?

No, it's one... one hour.
You said 48 hours.

No, it's one hour divided into 48.

You're playing
with the very fabric of time, sir.

It's gonna end very badly.

Yes, yes. No. That...
What an excellent point.

And that is why henceforth, I shall
refer to it as a golden period.

Now, then, ladies and gentlemen,
I'd like to introduce you

to one of the most important
officers

in the missing persons case.

Meet PC Ticking Timekeeper.

Ah-ha. OK?

Now, one of you is gonna go missing,

and the rest of the group will have
one hour to track them down.

I don't mind going missing...

for about the time it takes
to smoke a cigarette.

No, not you. Hug... Huggins.
PAUL: Me?

You look like a waif and a stray.
Oh.

Gonna give you a head start, OK?
Off you go and mislay yourself.

And, er... There you go.
Go on, quick. Quick as you can

That's it. Chopsticks, chop, chop.

Now, I'm gonna count you in
using PC Ticking Timekeeper,

so if you just hold your horses...

On your marks, get set...

They've gone. They've gone.

So, erm, Mr...

..Mr Swift, are you not gonna
join in with the exercise?

Ach, nah. There's no need, sir.

I'm going through the standard
procedures in my head. In your head?

I'm just visiting the mispers
last known location,

which was about there.

That's very impressive.

You show a great deal of potential,
young man. Thank you.

Is there any policing
in your family at all?

No. I was actually abandoned
as a newborn baby.

Oh, goodness me.

But this bobby on the beat found me,

put me in his helmet
and carried me to safety.

He would not sign off from his shift

until the authorities arrived
and I was safely in their care.

I owe my life
to that bobby on the beat, sir.

It's how I got my middle name.

Bobby?
Helmet.

Helmet. That's, erm...

Well, it's just... it's a privilege
to have you on board,

Mr Hel... Helm... No.
Got him, sir.

I spotted him first, and I've
cuffed him and read him his rights.

He's a stray, Afia, not a criminal.

He was just lurking
by the vending machine, to be fair.

I was just trying to get some
Hula Hoops, and then this happened.

Well done, everyone.
That was very... very brisk.

We now have 59 minutes left,

so why don't we have another go,
yes?

All of you shut your eyes

and see if you can work out
who's gone missing this time.

They weren't cheap. Well,
we must woo him with extravagances.

They're monogrammed.

Eh... Very good.
HE STAMMERS

This is not his initials.
No, but it's nearly his name.

He's got a very long name,
and they ran out of slipper.

Cunn. Cunn. Cunn.
Cunn!

Cunn. Do you think he'll notice?
No, no.

He'll appreciate the personal touch.

That's good. Thank you, Melanie.
Mm-hm!

Here we go.

There you go. You see, Bob?

You're always one step -
or should I say "slipper"? -

behind, aren't you?

I am on that flight, guaranteed.

Oh, Bob, Julie.
Good of you to pop in.

Oh. I'm enjoying these boots.

CUNNINGHAM CHUCKLES
You're welcome, sir.

Excuse me for a moment.
CLEARS THROAT

BELL BUZZES

Ah! Thank you, Clarkson.

Ooh, soup.
CUNNINGHAM CHUCKLES

I expect you want to know who I've
chosen for the holid... work trip.

I think we already know the answer
to that one, sir.

Yes. Accompanying the Chief Super
is a very much a man's role.

Ah! Roll!
BELL BUZZES

Ah! Ho-ho-ho! Marvellous.

And I have to say
that I think Bob's right.

Oh, you are kidding me!

So I've decided to take
Sergeant Clarkson here.

I need the services
of a gentleman's gentleman.

What?!

That was all. You may go.

Mmm!
CUNNINGHAM CHUCKLES

Oh.
BELL BUZZES

No, no, no, no! No. No.
I wanted a spoon.

A spoon, Clarkson! Ah, ah, ah!

Leave the soup.

Marvellous. Mmm. Two soups!

Waste of time
ordering those Speedo briefs.

I could probably use them,
depending on the size of the gusset.

Maybe I will give them
to Cunningham.

Once I've shat in them.

It's pointless Melanie
getting all this stuff, really.

Does she know that you call her
"pointless Melanie"?

I was really looking forward
to a snorkel

and a good close-up look at the...

Women's bottoms?
No, the fish.

Fishes. F-Fish, fish.

Did she get you any water wings
and a bucket and spade as well?

I'm not a child, Julie.

No, you are an elderly gentleman,
which is why she's got you

this anti-wrinkle
factor-50 sun cream.

Oh.
Mm.

Good night, Bob.

Hey, Connor.
Yeah.

I heard you transferred
from the Folklands? Wha...?

Oh, yeah. Yes, that's right.
The Falklands.

The actual Falklands?
Yes.

Where's that, up north?
Depends what way you're looking.

Course, yeah.
I swam most of the way.

Man, you must be so tired!

No, it's grand.
My grandfather's a mermaid, so...

Man, that guy has lived!
But where? Up north?

Bound to be. Either that or south.
Hmm, yeah.

Hmm.
Well, see you soon, mate.

See you in a bit.

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