Original subtitles

MUFFLED SHOUTING

Is she dancing?

In what world does that look like dancing?

Thrash metal? Interpretive dance.

It's all in the arms.

I had a brief spell at ballet school when I was nine.

So, is she getting binned? Nah, Danni's doing the binning.

What is she binning? Jack, her fiance.

The day before the big day.

Whew! So the wedding's off?

But I was gonna wear a hat. A helmet doesn't count, mate.

What did he do? Oh, it's not for us to say.

He sent dick pics. Afia!

Is that bad? To her mum.

She was basically engaged to a cyber-flasher.

Which is two years minimum.

Should we do something?

Mm.

It looks like she's got it out of her system. Mm.

THEY GASP

Or maybe not.

What are you doing, Bob? I'm giving this to Melanie.

Well, she's not there. Well, where is she?

Up my back bottom! How the hell should I know?

What am I meant to do with this? Well, just leave it for her.

She... She always takes it from me

and then gives me a chocolate finger to have with my morning coffee.

Jesus, she's probably just on the loo.

She lets me know when she's leaving her desk.

Maybe she's hiding from you.

Well, why... why would she hide from me?

Why wouldn't she? I wish I could.

HE SIGHS Melanie.

M-Melanie.

Ah, good, Sir. I just wanted to have quick word with you about tomorrow.

Ah, yes.

Getting the Venetian crystal chandeliers fitted, hm!

Exciting times.

Yeah, no, no. About a rendezvous.

Rendezvous? I'm a married man, Julie.

No, with Paul Huggins. Oh! Oh, good for you.

Don't put out on the first date, unless he buys you pudding.

HE LAUGHS, JULIE STRAINS

Oh! Melanie, Melanie, thank God you're here.

JULIE SIGHS He just can't live without you.

Cunningham? No, Bob.

He goes all limp when you're not there to wipe his arse.

He's a useless lump of jelly. More so than usual, I mean.

Just sort it out, for fuck's sake.

Well, yes. I will be the ice cream for that jelly.

CONNOR SIGHS I'm sorry, I heard.

Great, now everyone knows that my fiance sent his penis to my mother.

Well, I didn't hear that.

My fiance, he... Ex-fiance.

You're loving this, aren't you?

No, I'm not. You've always been, like, anti-Jack.

Who's Aunty Jack?

It's just one big joke to you, isn't it?

But for me, it's the end of my life as we know it.

Come on.

It'll be all right, you know.

What's the punch line? There is no punch line.

I don't feel right about this. With what?

With you being so straight.

Look, just cos I've got my arm round you, doesn't mean I'm not gay.

Are you gay? I don't think so.

But that's not what this arm's about.

This is a... a consoling arm. Consoling arm?

Yeah. Do you feel, like, consoled at all?

A bit. Well, there you go.

Well, the wedding's paid for now. I won't get any refunds.

Nightmare.

Unless... could you find another fiance?

Another fiance? Yeah, could you find another one?

A fiance? Yeah.

Takes ages. Does it?

Wouldn't know. Well, it does.

SHE SNIFFS

Nah, it's fine.

That's fine.

BOB MUMBLES I'm here, Sir. Always here.

Melanie, it's... Melanie!

Sir. Erm, the DNA results you asked for.

Right, well, thank you, Melanie.

EXHALES SHARPLY It's negative.

HIGH-PITCHED: Negative.

No, no, no!

No, no, no! What is it? What is it?

What's the matter? No. It's no, no. No, no.

I-It's, erm... I just can't really...

I can't really explain what I'm feeling.

But it's just...

Well, you don't need to, Sir.

I know I've been AWOL for a while, but it was a mere trifle.

He's an oaf.

Just really, really wanted to have a child.

A child? An actual child?

Well, I've only had a whisper of the perimenopause.

Erm, I'll google. I'll google.

HE GRUMBLES

HE BREATHES DEEPLY

Hmm.

CHATTER Oh...

BOB EXHALES

That's how bad it is.

Do you have the test results back, Sir? I do, I do.

Are they that bad, Sir? Yes, bad. Very bad.

See, you get your hopes up, you see,

and when the results don't go your way,

you realise that you should never have even dreamed

that things would work out. PHONE BUZZES

And if you had a... if you had a womb, it would ache.

I do, and it does. Relax! Don't panic, relax!

We are relaxed. It's back on.

Erm, it was the best man. He was using Jack's phone.

He was off his face on the stag do last night,

and Jack didn't remember a thing about it.

Oh, how convenient.

That's exactly why I had the hen do, like, two months ago.

So that your chief bridesmaid

wouldn't send your fanny pics to Jack's dad?

OK, not exactly. What's all this noise?

We can get married tomorrow. Well, c-can we?

No. Not me and you. Me and Jack.

The wedding's back on, and you can all come.

Probably be a few no-shows, what with the whole texting thing.

Surely, not all the test results can be bad, Sir?

What? Oh, these results? No, you all passed.

You know, flying colours. Well done, everybody.

Were my colours flying?

No, yours were an absolute shitshow.

Hm.

Chips, please, Aunty Nooch.

Shit, sorry. Chips, please, whoever you are.

Oh, keep it together, Paul. Today of all days.

Yeah, of course. Wait, why today of all days?

There's a deal going down tomorrow.

Tomorrow is really when I should keep it all together.

You've got to give it your best, Paulie.

You've been picked special for this.

Don't want you thinking no-one else wanted it cos it's a bit risky.

I wasn't thinking that. Good.

And this took a meeting of the five families to arrange.

You know that. Yeah, I know stuff.

This is a big one, Paul.

If you can pull it off, puts us ahead of them lot

when carving up the territory now Big Art's dead.

Big Art's dead? Yeah, liver disease.

Oh, God. Well, he did eat a lot of liver.

So, if we can pass this shipment off

onto one of them really heavy-duty players, we're golden.

You can do it, Paul.

And if not, well, you'll have had your chips.

But I haven't had my chips.

CHICKEN CLUCKS Ah.

What the hell is that clu...? What's that clucking noise?

It's my grief chicken.

I'm going to release it to unburden myself of all my sorrows.

It's only a job, Bob. It's not about the job.

I have lost a son... thing else.

I released one when the Queen passed, so...

Hm. Very patriotic.

Shouldn't it be a dove or something?

Do you know how hard it is to get hold of a dove? Or a balloon?

I couldn't find one. And yet, you could find a chicken.

Firearms up at the range have got them.

They... They wouldn't tell me why.

Say, "Ba, ba, ba, ba."

Goodbye, my son that never was.

CHICKEN CLUCKS

Great, you got my text.

Oh. What?

Well, you've gone dull again. Nice.

Well, no, yeah. We can work on that later.

Look, there's something I wanted to say.

There's something I wanna say, as well.

It's over. Marry me.

Did you just ask me to marry you?

What? No, of course not.

I was saying, "Harry... Hairy knee."

Hairy knee? Yeah, I've got a super hairy knee.

Just the one? Yep.

Yeah, the other one's smooth. Weird, eh?

So you didn't just say "marry me"?

No. No, course not. That would... That would be stupid.

Look, it's clear that whatever has happened between us,

I've taken my eye off his ball and put it on your ball. Right.

And now I'm taking it off your ball and putting it back on his.

So we're over.

No hard feelings. Well, actually, some.

What are you hiding behind your back? Nothing.

HE GULPS

Nothing.

Right. Well, thank you for your service.

You are released. I'll sign the relevant forms.

Good luck with the knee.

DAZ COUGHS Oh, bollocks!

DAZ BREATHES HEAVILY

You need to help me. I've just swallowed my nan's engagement ring,

and I don't know what to do.

Can't you just shit it out?

I'm not shitting out my dead grandmother's ring.

Show some respect.

Oof!

JULIE GRUNTS W-What's the matter with you?

You look like an angry turtle.

I've just got this from Melanie. It is from Divisional HQ.

Excellent. No! Not excellent.

Why? What does it say?

"We'd like to apologise

"for being unable to appoint a new head of training.

"We'll come to a decision shortly,

"and we'll be in touch by the end of the week."

No, but Cunningham is head of training. Well, apparently not.

No, but I've seen him with my own eyes.

Yes, but he's an imposter, Bob. No, it's definitely him.

Well, yes, of course it's him, but he is here illegitimately.

He's a bastard. Well, he certainly bloody is.

Here under false pretences and slashing our budget

while he lives in the lap of luxury.

Exactly. Oh...

Do you know what?

I think we need to give our chief super his marching orders.

Yes, yes.

He'd better look out, because I'm gonna give him a piece of my mind.

Careful, Bob, you haven't got a lot to spare. Yeah, no. What?

Right. Bugger, he's not here.

Where is he?

Yes, no, not at all.

Chief Superintendent Cunningham will be most relieved.

Ah, what was that?

Any news for the top banana, for the big enchilada?

Well, we did have an email that caused some confusion

about your position, Sir,

but Divisional HQ have just called to say that it was meant

for Southwood College. Ah.

Totally obvious it was an error.

We already have a wonderful yet humble head of training.

Ah, well, thank you. I think I have a special rapport with the staff.

So appreciate that, whatever your name is.

Melanie, Sir. I just can't stand shitty admin.

I expect more from HQ.

Now, now, Melanie, no harm done. Hm!

Oi! Twatty! Excuse me?

No, I will not excuse you, fuckface.

Are you talking to me? Of course I'm talking to you, you mad wanker.

Bob, the job's yours. Julie's lost the plot.

No, actually, YOU'VE lost the plot...

What? ..because you're a big git.

Yeah, a titty git.

What? You tell him, Bob.

You're a shitty, shitty bumhole. Don't poke me.

I'm ordering you to stop poking me. Oh, you're ordering him, are you?

What, in your capacity as head of training at this college? Yes.

You are pathetic. No, no, no.

He is head of training. There was a mistake.

They called the wrong college. HE CLEARS THROAT

Pathetic in a good way, Sir, obviously. What I actually...

You're not a real person.

You're an imposter. Weekes.

Oh, dear. What on earth are you...?

My scissors seem to have slipped. What?

Bob. Stay.

Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh! Goodness gracious!

I'd just like to point out, Sir,

I was doing a two-minute insult your boss for charity.

I have no idea what Bob's doing.

BOB BLOWS RASPBERRY

Weekes! Wh...?

Wh...? BOB BARKS

Oh. Right, Paul, we need a mission recap.

This little family escapade tomorrow

involves you getting a huge wad of cash

from an unidentified bastard in return for a shipment of goods.

OK, now, just stop me if it's getting too complicated. Stop.

W-What was difficult about that? I just want it all to stop.

Well, it's too late for that, Paul.

You are our man on the inside,

and I use the term "man" incredibly loosely.

Now, it's really important that we get a name, OK?

So I've got you a hidden mic here.

It's not very well hidden. Well, no, it's not hidden now.

You're gonna hide it. OK?

If that fails, we need you to be able to identify said man.

So, you know the game Guess Who? Oh, yeah.

Yeah, a little bit like that. Nice.

I'll ask them, like, do you wear a hat?

Have you got a moustache? Things like that.

Yeah, or just look at him, Paul. Oh, yeah, all right.

Well, as impressive as it was to see Bob's bottom...

Yes, I thought so. ..I'm afraid there will be consequences.

I'm gonna have to fine him. What sort of fine?

Erm, a kidney. A kidney?

No, no, what's that other thing? A kiss.

Pardon? Yeah.

A single kiss should suffice, on the cheek.

What about the job, the redundancy? Oh, yes, I'll be letting him go.

But congratulations to Julie on the new role of training czar.

Oh, yes, I see.

But that does mean that her first job as training czar

would be to hire someone to be her co-training czar.

Oh, good point. Mm.

Possibly a diversity hire, so someone old, male, white.

I think Bob's available. Bob!

Of course. Why didn't I think of Bob?

He's hired. Off you go.

Draw up a contract for Bob at 10% increase on wages.

But not for Julie? No, no. She kept her job while Bob lost his.

He had an uncertain future. Exactly, Sir.

Yes. None of us knew what was to become of him, not even me.

And I can see very far into the future,

where I have robot arms and a robot retractable penis.

I'll go and tell them the good news. No, no, no, no.

Let's keep them in suspenders for one last pole dance, hm?

HE LAUGHS

Yes. Here we go, Clarkson. Line it up and...

Oh! Hole in one! CUNNINGHAM LAUGHS

All right, bye. See you tomorrow at the wedding.

See you. Have a good night. Bye-bye.

Sorry, what was that for?

Because...

Because?

Because I-I needed to be sure. To know, you know?

Erm, before I, erm...

Sorry, before you...?

To confirm that marrying, that it's right.

Erm, it was playing on my mind, and I don't want it playing on my mind,

I want it out of my mind, so I kissed someone.

Right. And now?

Er, it worked.

I know I'm doing the right thing... did the right thing.

So it's completely out of my mind, completely, totally, utterly.

So there, that's that done.

What did you do that for?

Because someone was caught off guard at the first kiss,

and because someone wanted to give it their best shot.

And because maybe it should play on your mind. I don't know.

But I think that one has a better chance.

Oh, crikey.

That's the last of the boxes unloaded.

These are the kosher samples for Paulie. Where the fuck is he?

He's got one minute, otherwise, the whole deal's a Spam pancake.

PAUL: Relax. Oh.

I'm here. Jesus. What's that?

What's what? That.

The outfit. Oh, this. It's me.

I'm a mouse. I can see you're a bleedin' mouse.

Make myself unrecognisable, you said.

You're recognisable as a dick, though, bruv.

These are the ones they got to look at.

You know, so he doesn't have to waste any time

going through all them boxes.

Get going. OK. All right.

And don't do nothing stupid.

OK, OK, I know. Double negative.

RINGING TONE VOICEMAIL: 'Hey, this is Jack.

'I'm not around at the moment, obviously.

'Leave me a message.' BEEP

Where are you?

I'm here outside a massive church in a massive white dress,

and you're not here.

Where are you?

JULIE: 'Huggins, what is your position? Over.'

Standing up. 'No. Where are you?'

Inside the building.

OK, I am in a van around the corner should anything go tits up.

Ah, now, don't speak to me from now on, OK?

Oh, and remember, I need a name.

What's wrong with Julie? 'His name.'

Oh, OK. Got it.

KNOCK AT DOOR Who the shitting hell is...?

Oh, oh... What do you want?

Yeah, I know it's my day off, but, I mean, I've done the laundry,

and I thought I'd just pop by and see how the secret op's going.

Jesus Christ, get out of sight. Get in, get in.

OK, I've brought... I've brought some doughnuts.

Oh, great, good. That should help (!) Oh.

I'm sure there are all sorts of reasons people get cold feet.

Yeah. Poor circulation. Thin socks.

Scared shitless we'll find out it was him who sent those dick pics.

So, how's it going? Tense. A little bit crowded now.

KNOCK AT DOOR Oh, what now?

Is this a secret op? Who the hell told you?

Bob. For fuck's sake... Get in, just get in.

The operative word was "secret", Bob.

Ooh, doughnuts. Yeah.

CHUCKLING Who's this clown?

PAUL: Ooh! Hello, boys.

Massive boys.

That's far enough. Yep, that's fine.

Show me the goods. Oh, d-do you mean this?

I didn't mean your penis. Oh, phew.

'Huggins, I need a name.' Erm, Julie actually needs a name.

Who the fuck is Julie? Good question.

'Use your brain for once.' Use your brain for once.

Have you got some sort of death wish?

No, not really, but, look, it's been a lovely deal.

I'll just let myself out. You ain't going nowhere.

Get your arse back over here. 'Huggins, get his name!'

Sorry, I've, erm... I've actually forgotten your name.

What was it again? Brad Pitt.

Brad Pitt.

Hang on. Is that one T or two? Three.

'Brad Pittt, three Ts.' It's not Brad Pitt.

I smell a rat.

Oh, no, no, d-definitely a mouse.

Hooky gear. I don't know what that means.

You think I'm some kind of idiot, huh?

No, I mean, I don't really know you...

Pity you'll never get the chance to, innit?

Oh! Don't...

Sorry, you're gonna have to improvise.

Please don't shoot me, I'm only a little mouse. Huh?

Look out, boxes! 'Oh, my God, it's all kicking off.'

PAUL SHRIEKS Catch the fucking mouse.

Oh, here he is. Oh...

Oh. It's you.

Sorry, I was in two minds whether to come,

but then I got hungry, and I remembered you were getting married

and there was gonna be food here. He's not here.

What?

I've phoned him, but...

Ohhhh!

Oh, let... Yeah, I wouldn't do that.

They might... They could be poisonous.

I don't care. There's 247 people in there.

All right, well, let's get you out of here, then.

I can't leave, it's my wedding!

It's gonna be a pretty weird wedding if there's no groom. Oh!

I-I'll marry you, then.

No, no, I don't wanna be married.

Marry me. No.

DANNI WAILS

Oh, my God, that's, like, two rejections

within the last 15 minutes.

SHE SOBS

PAUL: I'm going to the roof! He's going to the roof.

Why is he going to the roof? They're coming after me!

I need a helicopter, over.

Righto, coming up. Do... Do we have a helicopter?

'No, of course we don't have a helicopter.'

PAUL BREATHES HEAVILY It's so high.

DANNI SOBS Erm... all right, come on.

What are you doing? Listen, he didn't show up, right?

But also, fuck him. You didn't show up, either.

Yeah. Yeah?

AFIA AND GEETA: Yeah, fuck him. Go on.

Come on, come on. Yeah, fuck him.

Argh! DANNI GIGGLES

GUNSHOTS

PAUL SCREAMS

PAUL: They're shooting at me! There's no more roof, over!

We're not in any danger down here, though, are we, Huggins, over?

'No, no, you're fine.'

I overheard the guy say he's gonna make sure

the whole thing blows over.

No, up. Blows up. That was it.

Julie? Sir Bob?

Hello?

Oh, my God, something just blew up!

Well, it's a rough area, Bob. Things explode.

Jesus, you can't even eat a doughnut without getting jam all over...

Fucking hell!

How long have you had a bullet wound in your chest, Bob?

So that's what it was. I thought I had a heartburn.

BOB GROANS

They got me in the end. Julie...

..tell Melanie I...

BOB BELCHES

Oh...

Bob?

Hello?

Must be a dead spot.

Shit! PAUL SCREAMS

BELL DINGS Well, this is my stop.

EXHALES

No, it is jam. Oh.

Oh. Oh.

So... So it was heartburn after all.

Oh. So... Panic over. Ha.

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