Original subtitles

Hmm. You know, I was engaged once.

Really? Yeah. So if you ever need any advice,

I had a wedding folder and everything.

Thanks, but I'll be all right. It's not long to go now.

She got me a nice engagement ring. A diamond solitaire.

It's worth about 20 grand.

Crikey! Bloody hell!

I mean, she stole it, as it turns out,

and she was using me to transport it to Spain, but still.

Aw! The police called me a donkey, which I thought was a bit harsh.

A mule? A mule. Yes, that was it.

Aw, it was a nice thought, though, and a lovely ring.

See, I've got the fingers for elegant jewellery. Mm.

One day!

A part of me thinks I should have a bob.

A bob? Exactly, yeah.

I've always wanted a bob. A good old dependable bob.

A bob, bob, bob, bob, bob.

You don't have the face for a bob. It wouldn't suit you.

Maybe it would!

Er, maybe something a little less ordinary.

You know, maybe a shag?

A shag! A shag.

Yes, I've been thinking about that a lot recently.

Choppy and erratic. Dangerous and wrong.

Tousled by a bald man.

BOB HUMMING

PHONE RINGING Oop!

ON PHONE: 'Bob!'

Ah, Julie! Would you care for a cup of tea?

'Oh, I'm sorry. I thought I was calling a senior police offer.

'I seem to have come through to Starbucks.'

I've just made one so it's no trouble.

'Trouble! Trouble?!'

We are in trouble up to our tits, Bob!

We've got to stop Cunningham.

If we can just find a way to get rid of that crazy bastard,

then both of our jobs are safe. Do you understand?

If you say so.

Now, I hate to think of you as any sort of partner,

but do you think Cunningham has any skeletons in his closet?

I mean, literally would be ideal.

So, you can ask him, he... he's right here.

You're on speakerphone.

Which were the exact words that Melanie said,

and I said, "Melanie, how dare you be so rude

"about our lovely Chief..."

It's...

It's, erm, wrong number, Sir.

Oh, my God!

Taylor Swift writes the most incredible lyrics.

She... She knows exactly how I feel!

She's actually describing my life.

It's incredible!

I don't know how she does it. I really don't. It's MY life!

Dostoyevsky. What's he, Special Branch?

He was writing phone-snatching reports when I knew him,

then he goes and writes a training guide.

Oh, my God! It's the biggest disaster in the world ever.

Oh, no, did Instagram go down for five minutes?

No, it's worse! There's no music.

Music doesn't exist? At the wedding.

They've pulled out. Who have?

Shit Hot Red Peppers. Never heard of them.

They're a tribute band.

Who are they a tribute to? Red Hot Chili Peppers.

Oh, right, I thought you were gonna say Coldplay.

They're Jack's favourite band. Erm, Chili Peppers, not Coldplay.

I could sing for you. What?

Yeah. I'll be your wedding singer.

SHE LAUGHS

But, seriously, what am I gonna do?

I can actually sing.

Well, what would you be,

like, George Michael or, like, Robbie Williams?

No, I'd... I'd just be myself, I think.

A bit boring. No offence there.

How could I possibly be offended? What would you sing?

I'd... I'd do something especially for the occasion.

You'd do that for me?

Yeah. PHONE BUZZES

And I'd get Ed Sheeran to throw in a few lyrics

cos we're pretty close.

Oh, they can do it now. They've managed to hire another van.

Phew. Good, cos, er, I know Ed's pretty busy at the minute, so...

Yeah, phew!

That was really kind, though, that offer.

I will sing at your next wedding.

You had to go and spoil it, didn't you? Mm-hm.

Sorry... Sorry, excuse me. Have you seen Melanie?

She's... She's about this tall,

very plain-looking, a bit cardigan-y?

I am Melanie. HE STUTTERS

Sorry, I didn't... I didn't spot you there under...

under all that, er, nonsense.

The... Ah! Ah! Is, er...?

Is this for me?

This cake? No. This cake is for someone else.

Someone else? Yes.

Is that a problem, Sir? No, no.

It's just, normally, the... the cakes are for me.

I know, but this time, I've decided it's for someone else.

Right. I've made a lot of cakes for you, you see,

and you've never made one back.

Unusual shape, isn't it?

It's a self-portrait. Yeah, but you're not diamond shaped.

It's a self-portrait of my vagina.

HIGH-PITCHED: So...

HE BLOWS

HE WHIMPERS

What are your scuzzy little family up to, eh?

Any crimes afoot? I'm on it. I'm like Jason Prawn.

AMERICAN ACCENT: "I'll get you the intel, goddamn it."

MUTTERS: Dear God.

Now, then, engaging with the community.

We must all work together.

Policing's not possible without the cooperation of the public.

Unless you live in Russia or something.

Thankfully, we don't live in Russia.

Er, who knows what a police state is?

That'd be like if, er, me and Afia went out for dinner.

In your dreams. No, not... not a date.

A state, a police state.

Actually, we're not really police officers,

so it'd be more like if you and Superintendent Spry

were getting it on. BOB STUTTERS

That's not gonna happen.

Because you're, like, 80, so...

No, no. Because she's... Ugly?

No, because she's, you know... she's...

Parks her car in a different bay.

So, anyway, the point is, we do not live in a police state.

We are free to say what we want, do what we want.

As far as I'm concerned, this is the most important area of police work.

"The pubic area"?

Hm? ALL CHUCKLE

Who did this? Did what?

What's the problem? You cannot touch the whiteboard!

You just said we can do what we want in this country. No.

Not if it's subversive or rude. Is it actually illegal, though?

No, I don't... I don't care about the law.

No, people who engage in rubbing and wiping what isn't theirs, is...

It's the lowest of the low. You're all gonna be punished!

That's not fair!

You don't know whether it was one of us that did it.

Not fair? Not fair? But if you just listen to Afia...

I'll decide what... what... what she thinks.

Isn't it better to engage? Positive interaction.

You can't just say what you want. Freedom of speech? No!

SHOUTING: Just shut up! Shut up!

Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

I'll decide what is what, and who is who, and why is why.

Nobody is to speak for a week! All right!

A-A-A da... A-A-A day.

No, an hour. One... Nobody... Is that clear?

I said, is that clear?

Right. Thank you.

Except... Except for you. You're fine.

I'd like some advice.

Oh, my God. Is she OK? The thing is...

The thing is...

There's this... RPG.

Role-playing game on your computer.

I know what it is, thank you.

And there's a character -

a really smart, feisty young woman who gets into a sticky situation.

Is she attacked by a zombie?

Well, she kind of thought it was a zombie at first,

but then she realises that maybe he wasn't after all.

And perhaps she regrets what she did.

What did she do? She bit his head off.

Whoa, sweet! Oh, I see.

Yeah, no coming back from that. That zombie is done.

What? Do you reckon?

Sounds like you should start again. Maybe go and apologise?

AFIA LAUGHS What? Are you mad, Geeta?

What if it is a zombie? It can re-generate.

I'd take my chances. Oh, wow! You'd be a rubbish gamer.

I mean... Pfft. Wow.

He's only gone and spent our pensions

on a giant statue of Taylor fucking Swift.

Oh, I think we need to have a little word with our chief super.

Yes. We won't be forced out.

No, we certainly won't. I'll rabbit punch him in the cock,

and you rabbit punch him in the bumhole.

Yes... No. What?

Right, we are prepared to physically fight to keep our jobs.

If anything, we should be getting a raise -

the bollocks we put up with in here.

I actually find the job quite relaxing.

That's because you don't actually do the job, Bob.

Well, what have you got to say to that?

Yeah, come on, you. Mm.

Oh, my God, he's dead. What do you mean, "He's dead"?!

I mean, he's dead.

Glassy eyes, no breath...

and a death erection.

Oh, my God, the angel of lust.

I-It's drained all the blood from his body

and popped it in... into his... whatnot.

Do you think he could have had a heart attack or a stroke?

No, it's death by natural causes, obviously.

BOTH GASP

Did you do that, Bob? No.

Is...?

Oh.

What's... What's this?

"Bob Weekes." Signed appraisal forms.

It's... It's a list of all my tiny indiscretions.

Well, at least he did something useful before he croaked.

I'm gonna have to get rid of the evidence.

I'll get Melanie and get an ambulance.

Just... Oh!

Ah... Er...

Oh...

GASPS DEEPLY

Sorry. Didn't realise you were here.

Deep meditative state. Totally zoned out.

Method acting, you know?

Channelling my role as Paul Renauld.

Who? A French millionaire

in Agatha Christie's Murder On The Links

for the Norbourne Players.

I get stabbed in the back and have to stay dead for 40 minutes.

They drone on, so, you know, have to learn to zone out.

CUNNINGHAM CHUCKLES Oh.

And you can return that when it comes out the other end.

BOB GROANS Er, bottoms up!

All the others filled this in a week ago. You're late.

We need to touch base on how you're settling in mentally.

Sorry, "mentally"?

Yeah, yeah, it's a big thing these days.

Just say, "All's good," and I can tick the box.

Well, there's a few things... That you'd rather keep to yourself?

No, I want to share them with you. Great (!)

Can you keep it to three lines?

Well, I am quite mentally stressed. Good!

Short, to the point, fits in the little box.

Because I transferred here to find someone. Surely, that's it.

To find the police officer who got my mother pregnant with me,

and he died in a shroud of mystery.

I'll just put "bastard, father unknown, police officer".

My journey has led me across nine continents,

tracing tenuous leads hither and tither until I am now this close

to finding the elusive scoundrel, who I believe to be 8' 6"

with a handlebar moustache.

Enough bollocks, thank you. Go away.

Sorry. Sorry to bother you.

We haven't been introduced. I've told you, it's me.

HE EXCLAIMS Oh, it's... Yeah, sorry.

Oh, it's, er... You're not gonna...?

Oh!

The mental health forms for all the recruits.

Oh. Connor Swift. Yeah.

"Father unknown."

Er, "Police officer.

"Born 1998 in England."

HE GASPS Oh!

I-I myself was stationed in England in 1998.

HE GASPS

Melanie... Mm?

Erm, could... could you please get me a DNA testing kit

and keep it under your hat?

"Under my hat"? Mm.

Well, then take it out from under your hat and give it to me. Why?

I... just want to double-check that,

that I'm not... not the King of Scotland or...

HE EXHALES SHARPLY Yeah.

PAUL WHISTLES I mean, I like it.

It's, like, ethereal and sexy all at the same time.

Do you think Jack will cry when I wear this?

I really want him to cry loads when I walk down the aisle.

Like, sob. Not snot, but, like, proper tears.

And also, I want him to have a bit of an erection,

which is why I'm modelling it in front of you lot, not the girls.

It's giving me a lump in the throat.

Yeah, it's giving me a lump in the groin, if that helps.

He means an ethereal lump, obviously. Thank you, Paul.

Aw! Yeah, I'd better change.

DAZ TITTERS

Can I try some?

Mmm. Oh!

Everything all right, Bob? Yeah, yeah.

Oh, nothing, just... just watching another man eating my vagina cake.

Oh. As long as it's nothing serious.

DAZ CHUCKLES

BOTH GIGGLE

EXHALES SHARPLY

You all right, Sir? Right.

I'm... I'm just so thirsty.

Er, can I get you a coffee?

Well, can you? Yeah.

It's just that Melanie normally furnishes me

with a... with the coffee.

She's not tending to me.

Apparently, she... she makes it in a special way.

Come on, let me try. Oh.

Erm, er... Milk? Sugar?

Erm, yes, but Melanie normally does... does all that. I...

Well, is it black like that or, like, a different colour?

Oh, it's... it's like... like that, I think. It's, erm...

BOB SLURPS

COFFEE SLOSHING

BOB EXCLAIMS

This is it. It's...

It's exactly how Melanie makes it. How did you know?

It's just the way that I have it, Sir.

Oh... We... Why...

Thank you. Thank you, s-son.

Pardon me? Some... Some...

Some of this... sheer...

Chum... BOB STUTTERS

Oh, yeah. You're welcome.

Oh.

My son made me a cup of coffee.

All right, Aunty Nooch, how are things?

What? What's going down? What's up?

I can't be seen just talking to you.

You've got to order something so's people can hear.

Right, of course. What would you like, my love? Erm...

Well, I'd like an electric scooter, please.

Something to eat. Oh, yeah. Er...

A coconut. Something that we serve.

Oh, of course, yeah. Erm, I'd like some gravy.

Gravy, please. Just gravy, is it?

Mm-hm, in a straight glass. Right.

What do you want? I just told you, gravy.

No, we've done that bit.

I'm getting your gravy. Why are you here?

I was just wondering if there are any plans afoot.

"Afoot"? Yeah, you know, like, what's the word on the street?

I'm sure the word isn't "afoot". Not on my street.

Well, I overheard my dad talking about some ointment.

Ointment? Pigment.

Shipment? A shipment, yeah.

They're taking delivery on Saturday. Did you order it online?

Fuck's sake, no. It's a delicate bit of trade.

Know what I mean? Just as well you didn't.

Them delivery drivers just chuck it behind the bins.

It's a big deal. Are you in? It doesn't matter if I'm in.

They don't even ring the bell. In on the job.

It's all going down at the old bakery.

What's that, a pub? No, it's an old bakery.

But if your dad hasn't told you, then you ain't supposed to know.

No, no. Of course he told me. He tol... He...

He told me on... on the down below.

On the down-low? Yeah.

So, it's old bakery and shipment.

Old bakery and shipment?

Old bakery and shipment. Old bakery and shipment.

On three, weirdest celebrity you've ever fancied.

One, two, three. Miss Piggy. Napoleon.

Oh! All right, on three, weirdest place you've ever done it.

SHE MOUTHS

Now, tell me what they're planning.

They're receiving a special chipmunk on Saturday.

A chipmunk? I think so.

A shipment? A shipment! Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And they're taking delivery on Saturday,

and it's not the online people.

I checked, which is just as well,

cos them delivery drivers just chuck the stuff behind the bins.

They don't even ring the bell. OK, OK. What are they delivering?

I don't know, but it's a... it's a delicate bit of trade.

Right, what's that? I don't know.

It's just something she did. She? Who's she?

My dad. You know, er, I sometimes call him "she".

You can actually do that these days.

I think you might have misunderstood the pronoun issue there.

And it is happening at the old cakery.

Cakery? Bakery.

Bakery? What old bakery? She didn't... He didn't...

They didn't say. OK.

So, I've done my bit, haven't I? SHE SIGHS

You should go. Thank you, Ma'am. Thank you.

Oi, get back here! You just told me I should go.

No, you should go to the old bakery, be part of the deal.

But I'm not invited. Well, get an invite.

Ask your dad. She'll let you go, won't she?

My family don't trust me. I don't trust me.

Well, quite frankly, I don't trust you,

but I need to know who else is involved.

Now, we'll hide a wire about your person.

Which person? About... About your person.

What? I've got a person?

Oh, Jesus, just fuck off and work it out.

Googling won't help.

You must not swear at the public.

Even if the wankers are asking for it.

Unless they use the F word.

Or... Or even the C word.

Or if they use the K word.

The K word? Yeah, you know.

Yeah, I know. Of course I know.

The S word? I know all the words, OK?

Which words mean you can punch someone?

No, my friend.

Punching a suspect will land you in the shit.

Unless you're punching in the sense of, like,

punching above your weight, like Danni and her fiance.

Yes, that's fine. Hang on, who's punching?

No-one. It's not allowed.

No, who's punching above their weight in our relationship?

In our relationship? No, me and Jack.

Well, you obviously.

Rude! You don't even know what he looks like.

I'm going off how you've described him.

Well, I was just probably exaggerating.

He's not massively more good looking than me.

We're about the same...

Oh, so he looks like a big girl, then?

You look like a big girl, then. All right, shut up!

Good afternoon, everyone. Sorry to interrupt, Sergeant.

Just there's been a new policy initiative.

The surprise testing of police equipment.

So, who can tell me what this is?

That's an SBG. No, but I know you know.

No, it's an SBG, a spit-and-bite guard.

Now, then, I need a volunteer to spit at me.

Anyone? Erm...

Let's have you. Let's have you. Oh!

Round here. There, how's that feel? How's that feel?

Er... Er, I mean, it feels a bit gimpy.

What's going on? Won't be long, Sergeant.

Erm, go on, then. Have a spit at me.

Go on. What, really?

That's so gross. He'll get it all over his face.

No, I've got a wet wipe. No worries about that.

Go on, have a little spit. Go on, go.

Erm... Er... Go on.

CONNOR SPITS Ugh! Good. Well done.

And quick as we can, let's get that off.

And... pop it in the bag. That's it.

And finally, I've got a wet wipe for you.

Well done, everyone. That was excellent.

Er, carry on, Sergeant. Thank you.

Knob! That's the K word!

Er, hi, Jasim.

You wanna cut off my balls, wear them as earrings?

Ha... No.

What do you want, then?

I just wanted to say I'm s...

Solid? No, I'm s...

Sordid, succulent, salad dressing, what?

I am...

..s-speaking an apology.

"Speaking an apology"? Oh...

What language is that? Don't make this hard for me.

Oh, like you made it easy for me when I asked you out? I'm sorry, OK?

There it is.

Oh, shit! Genuinely didn't know I could do that. Wow!

New word, is it? Pretty much.

The thing is, I've had my eyes opened really wide recently.

Surgically?

I've seen people in a different light.

You can see urine and semen if it's ultraviolet.

Yes, I know that. Bloods, detergents...

BOTH: Antifreeze, tooth whitener... Types of fungal infections.

Yes, yes. Our group did all of this, too.

Who have you seen in a different light?

You. Have I got a fungal infection?

Bloody hope not.

Otherwise, I might have to change my mind about you being, you know...

..someone to go out with.

Oh. I see.

So I win. No. I win.

No, I win. We both win?

Deal.

What you doing? Oh, leave off!

Watch the paintwork, will you?

I'm in. Yeah, I can see that.

I'm in. In what?

Incapable? Incontinent? What are you on about?

I'm in. Saturday night.

Lovely. Well, put the telly on, have a little wank,

get yourself a Maccy D's. Not necessarily in that order.

I'm coming... to the old bakery.

How'd you know about that? I'm not as daft as people think.

Who's been shooting their mouth off? Fuck, I didn't hear about that.

That's horrible. No. Who's been telling you stuff?

Oh, erm... Well, you know, I-I've got to protect my sources.

Fucking Aunty Nooch. I am not.

You are not coming on Saturday. Why not?

Fucking forget about it, all right? It's too big of a deal.

But how am I meant to use my special skills?

There's got to be something I can do.

Actually... do you know what "expendable" means?

No. Great.

What about "stooge"? Oh, er, no.

Fantastic.

Well, look, I'll tell you what I can do, I...

Maybe have a little word with Dad, you know?

See if he'll let you do the handover or something.

Really? You tru... You trust me with that? Yeah.

Yeah, I reckon I do.

Thanks, bruv. Yeah, you're the best.

Now, get the fuck out of my car. Oh, yeah, OK.

Aw, what did I tell you about shoes on the upholstery?

Oi! They're my shoes, you prat.

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