Original subtitles

OK, so, it's very simple.

Use your fingers to keep your eyelid open.

Gently place the lens on your eye.

DEV WHIMPERS

Mm-mm. No. No way. I can see it coming.

Maybe if I try close my eyes?

You can't close your eye or it won't go in your eye.

Try again. Mm. OK.

DEV WHIMPERS

OK, so, in these circumstances, we have to recommend glasses.

Glasses?! Mm-mm. I don't think so.

I'm not some giant nerd. No offence.

I don't want any face furniture at all.

Well, you're gonna have to because your eyesight is pretty...

shit. No offence.

Oh!

Who do I look like? Denzel?

Harry Potter. My mum.

Eddie the Eagle.

CUNNINGHAM HUMMING Morning!

Everything all right, Sir?

Ah, I'm wearing my trunks, Melanie.

Yes, Sir. Mm.

Oh, did you type up the redundancy package for the superintendents?

I did, Sir. Mm. Care to join me for a... plunge?

Plunge, Sir? Mm. Ice bath plunge pool.

Better for the brain than cocaine - that's what my doc says.

And damn it, Melanie, he's right.

HE CHUCKLES, RESUMES HUMMING

YAWNS All right, Geets?

Holy shit! What?

It's your hair.

Oh, yeah. I'm experimenting with a new me.

Geeta 2.0. Needed a change, so I thought I'd get myself a...

A halo braid! Yeah, halo braid.

Which is, in fact, my wedding hairstyle.

Ah, I knew I'd seen it somewhere before.

Well, I'm sorry, Geeta,

but you can't just walk around with that, like, willy-nilly.

That is my wedding hair. Take it down, please.

No. Do you own the copyright or something?

I love it. I'm having it.

Take it down now, you hair thief.

Er... no.

You're never gonna get your police hat over that.

He's right. It's not work hair.

And you look a bit ridiculous, actually, Geeta -

not in a mean way, but you do. PAUL GASPS

No. Absolutely not. Yes.

I like it. It makes me feel beautiful and special.

Well, to be fair, she does look beautiful and special.

Thank you, Paul.

Wedding hair thief!

You know, you'd be better off with a curly chignon for your big day.

I could do one for you, if you like. I did my nan's for her big day.

You did your gran's hair on her wedding day?

No. Her funeral. It was an open casket.

She looked pretty rough because she got mauled by a dog,

but her hair looked lovely.

Do you feel impotent, Daz?

No problem in that department.

Stand to attention at the drop of a hat.

Not literally. Be annoying.

This is Bob... Superintendent Weekes's jacket.

Did you nick it? No, I had to take it to the dry cleaners.

Egg stains. Why don't you try it on?

Imagine how you would feel as a man of status.

Bollocks to that! It's therapy. Just do it.

So, ask me to make you some coffee.

You what?

Go on, Sir.

Ask me for things.

What, coffee? Nah.

Get me a lager. THEY CHORTLE

God! What's gotten into you today, Sir?

What's gotten into you, more like. Nothing, Sir.

But I could help smooth down your jacket if you like?

And you could help me smooth down my skirt?

Whoa! Hold on. Do... Do you fancy me or something?

Quick, take it off. Take it off! Yeah? Trousers, too?

We could play Nudey Twister. Ow!

What? A very useful therapy exercise, Sergeant Black.

Thank you. Good day. That will be all.

Good day!

THEY GIGGLE

All right, Dev? People keep smiling at me, and one girl winked at me.

Oh, it's cos you're "specksy".

Specksy? Yeah, it's "sexy in specs".

Not everyone can be specksy, but you are.

Am I? Yeah, mate, totally specksy.

I tried to get Jack to wear them,

but he just looked like a paedophile.

Crikey. Yeah, it was unnerving.

Put me off my food for ten minutes,

then I had a falafel, and I was all right after that.

Specksy... I'm specksy.

I'm specksy. I'm specksy. I'm specksy. I'm specksy. Mm!

Ah! Package!

P-Package, Sir? Mm.

What do you think of my package, hm?

Have you had a chance to have a good look at it?

Come on, man! Don't be a nervous Nellie. Spit it out.

It's very... It's very good, as packages go, Sir.

I just thought my package would be right up your alley.

Thought you might jump at it. So, happy to take it?

Do I... Do I have to take your package, Sir?

No, of course not!

Take your time. Think it over.

I'm off to Pilates.

Oi, Dev. What does "CSIS" stand for?

What? CSIS, what does it mean?

Why are you asking him?

Cos I need to know for the next class.

But why me? You look like you'd know.

But normally, you'd ask Afia or Geeta...

or Connor or Danni.

Oh, my God, that's so true! But today...

I dunno, it just sort of feels like you'd know.

Maybe it's the glasses? Yeah, that's it!

Yeah, they make you look much more dever, Clev.

"More clever, Dev", you mean? That's what I meant.

See? How'd you know something like that?

I'll take 'em off. See what happens, yeah?

Yeah, you look massively thick now. Yeah, I don't want that. Nah.

OK. What does "CSIS" mean?

Custody Suite Imaging System.

Wow! Wow!

Come on, everyone. Here we go!

Now then, R...

R, R, R.

Don't worry, I'm not a pirate.

I'm talking about the four Rs.

And this is an aide memoire, which literally means...

I've actually forgotten what it literally means,

but it's to help you... help you remember things.

Now, then, I need a volunteer. You.

You're the best. The best?

Indeed. Come on, you. You can be our detainee.

Now, we've checked that you're fully conscious

and you've been roused, so moving onto number two, response.

Response to questions. Now, I've got some here.

Come on, Heidi, you can read out the questions. Come on.

There you go, read them in order. SHE SIGHS

What is your name? It's Bob.

Sorry, no, you're... you're talking to him, yeah.

What is your name? Ariana Grande.

Obviously not THE Ariana Grande, just a different one.

Where do you live? With Superintendent Bob Weekes.

That's not... not... It's not true.

No, but it could technically be true,

if I just maybe needed somewhere to stay.

Well, I suppose. I suppose in a... an alternative reality.

A family set-up, maybe with, erm... Yeah.

Could go on holiday, could teach you how to fish.

Where do you think you are? Alaska is the perfect place...

Erm, no. Sorry, you're talking...

Ah, him, carry on. Where do you think you are?

I am in Alaska with the superintendent,

learning how to fish.

Yes, I can teach you how to hold... hold...

hold onto those in your head, the four Rs.

So, l-let's take a break now.

OK? Do some reading, and then...

then we can take this "father"... further.

Student Officer Huggins.

Sorry, was... was I early?

Not at all, it was a test. What, to see if I'd be early?

To test your powers of observation.

To see if I realised I was early?

Let's just move on from general timekeeping, shall we? Yeah.

One of the biggest giveaways of being an undercover officer

is taking your police notebook out every 30 seconds

and writing things down,

so you are going to have to use your natural perceptive abilities.

Well, I'm fucked, then. Here's the test.

And don't worry, I'm here to help.

When you entered my office, on the desk in front of you

was a tray with a number of small objects on it. Was there?

OK. What I was gonna say is that I've just covered the tray,

and I'd like you to name as many of those objects as you can,

but I might be moving a little bit too fast on this one.

I mean, I did notice the toy soldier, the alarm clock,

the pepper grinder, the sachet of cat food,

the gold watch and the £2 coin.

I just didn't notice they were on a tray.

Guess I'm pretty shit at this.

Fucking hell.

Oh, there's the tray!

Danni, it's really nice...

No, it's... Honestly.

I can't wait to see what you...

Afia Barakat, I have a question for you.

Yesterday, when I asked you out, you said, and I quote...

"It's a no." I remember.

And I wanted to check if that was a mistake of some sort?

I don't make mistakes. Well, neither do I.

Except you made one by asking me out. Which is odd.

Something's not quite right. Yes.

It's you. Bye.

Unbelievable. Again!

I know, right? What a saddo.

HUMS

What's this? Have you not seen what Cunningham's package looks like?

Oh, my crikey, has someone been taking photos now?

Your redundancy package.

I see!

Yeah, go on, take a look. It's a tidy sum.

Let's not make this a battle to be decided on the whim of a madman.

Just take the package, Bob. You take the package.

No, you take the package. It's a lot of money, Bob.

You could do all the things you've ever wanted.

Well, that's not enough to build a full-size robot lady.

Some of the things you've ever wanted.

B-But I wouldn't be here, would I? Exactly. What's not to like?

I can't imagine my life without coming in here every day,

having a cup of tea and seeing the old familiar faces -

old lovely Melanie, the angry bald man, you!

Oh, fuck off. The smell of the canteen.

The funny old toilets.

Oh, just take the package, Bob. No, no!

I am the heart and soul of this establishment.

You may be the iron fist, but I am the kindly shepherd.

What are you on about now? Trouble is,

I want to keep shepherding just as much as you want to keep fisting.

So...

Just take the package, Bob!

CHUCKLES SOFTLY

WHIMPERS

So, you are Superintendent Robert Redford Weekes?

Yeah. Bob. Yes, that's me, there.

OK. And you are looking to legally adopt a Connor Swift?

Yes, I am. Is he your stepson?

No, no.

Is this for inheritance reasons? No, no.

Adoption's quite a serious step. Perhaps you can explain the history?

Well, in ancient Rome, adoption was often used...

Sorry, no. I'm actually looking for some background on the relationship.

So, erm, who is this child?

Oh, he's a man, a fully grown man. Right.

He's a trainee at the college, and I met him last week.

Last week? If you met him, you'd understand.

I'm not sure that I would. He's brave.

He's intelligent. He's... He's clever.

He's got a lovely smile.

Mm. Are you sure it's adoption that you've got in mind?

Well, I... Could I adopt him?

No, I think it's unlikely, don't you?

Given that he's a fully grown man.

But it might be possible to change his name to yours by deed poll.

I could do that, could I?

No, HE could do that.

Well, he could do anything. HE CHUCKLES

I wish I had a photo to show you.

The closest I've got is, erm...

a little sketch I... I drew of him.

It's Connor. There he is. What do you think of that?

I've actually got a class to get to on legal handover proceedings,

so I'm going to wrap this up now. Right, yes.

I think that went rather well.

He didn't ask you to give birth to his bespectacled babies, Afia.

What's wrong with going on a date? I wouldn't know.

Excuse me? I don't know what a date's like.

So are you saying that you've never had a date?

Yes! I've never had a date!

You can without knowing. They're in sticky toffee pudding.

I can't be bothered with all that stuff.

Well, you're an idiot, cos it's delicious.

Paul, she means that she's never been out on a date.

Why would I go on a date? Careers don't just happen!

Go on a date, Afia! Am I being picked on?

No, no, you're not.

As a highly experienced psychological profiler,

I think you're terrified.

I just don't think you can do it. I can do anything.

Oh, so you're happy to sit the "Going On A Date" module?

Hang on. Module?

Do I get a certificate? Yeah. A great big gold one.

In a frame. And a badge. If you pass.

I never fail.

So many modules, it's relentless!

When's it gonna end?

Sergeant Black. SHE CLEARS THROAT

With regard to what happened earlier...

I don't find you attractive, OK? Let's just get that straight.

And I don't find you attractive. HE LAUGHS

Unlikely, but carry on.

It's just... sometimes, a woman has certain feelings.

Look, I'm not an idiot.

I know all about mental cycles.

Menstrual? Yeah. Minstrels.

I was referring to a woman's fundamental needs.

What, gossip? HE LAUGHS

It would be meaningless sex. Mm.

Especially as I love another.

So... you're up for a bit of the old Dazzle Jazzle?

I wouldn't put it quite like that.

You're saying the Channel Tunnel's open for a bit of heavy traffic?

On one condition. I refuse to accept payment.

You have to wear the jacket.

OK, I'm used to kinky sex.

I've had to do it with a paper bag over my head before now.

A woman actually made you do that?

I think they all have, pretty much.

I'll see you later - in the jacket. I've left it on your peg.

And I definitely don't fancy you!

And I definitely don't fancy you. And I thought it first!

So, do you ever have rows with Jock?

Jack. Jack, yeah. Mm-hm. Do you?

Erm, like, the usual stuff. Like, silly things, I suppose.

Like what? Well, he wants crisps at every table at the reception.

Seriously? Is that like a man thing?

What, like emotional involvement with fried potato snacks? Yes.

I don't want crisps at my wedding. But is that it?

Just, like, crisp wars, or has he asked for anything else?

Football napkins. No pink flowers.

And a boob job. What's wrong with his boobs?

Mine, not his. Oh.

So yours don't, like, fit the bill? No. Yeah!

Oh, I knew you'd get all weird about that sort of stuff.

I'm just here on behalf of the 21st century.

Well, he's my fiance. He gets a say, you don't.

No crisps at a wedding sounds fucking awful.

Sorry, I don't know why I just did that.

No, it's exactly how I like them.

Right.

Yeah, there it is. BOB GRUNTS

What's...? Melanie and Sergeant Black,

in the stationery cupboard.

And you're a superintendent now. Congratulations.

No, no, that's your jacket, Sir.

Sergeant Black was just making sure it hadn't shrunk at the cleaners.

You can take it off now, Sergeant.

So he's testing it in the stationery cupboard?

Yeah. Well, no. Erm...

He put it on, and then he saw me go into the cupboard,

and he wanted to check the shelving, didn't you, Daz?

Yeah. Shelving. Shelving?

Yeah, it means putting a foreign item into your arsehole.

Not that kind of shelving! Yeah.

He was just checking the shelves,

as some of them are dangerously loose.

Good for you, well done. Health and safety. Excellent.

And speaking of which, er...

someone seems to have left the oven door open.

Yeah, don't want the roast pork getting cold.

Oh. ZIP RASPS

DAZ WHIMPERS It was just meaningless sex.

Why are you crying?

Roast pork... caught in the zip.

Oh, for heaven's sake, it's not childbirth.

Ooh!

Come in, Afia, take a seat.

Your date for this module is Dev.

And I, as I run a number of top Parisian restaurants,

am gonna be your maitre d'.

Giselle over here's gonna be your waitress for the evening.

The specials are on the whiteboard. I'd really recommend the oysters.

And I'll be eating macrame at the next-door table.

Mm-hm. Your date might start by saying something nice.

Erm, I like... your clothing.

It's the same as yours.

But obviously, it wouldn't be, on a real date.

Might be. They could be coming from a fancy-dress party

where they're dressed as pirates.

Sure. That's very unlikely.

But why don't you just give him a wee compliment back?

SHE SIGHS

SHE EXHALES No, I can't do it.

Just anything at all.

You have... nice... eyebrows.

That's excellent! That's a really good start.

Mm. Try steering the conversation?

Erm... Hey, date.

Do you like studying?

Nah, not really. Well, you can fuck off.

Afia, how is that gonna make him feel?

Like a loser.

Can I take your order? Thank God. Can I order a new date?

Chisel, I'd actually love some ketchup with this.

Not now, Paul. OK, but if it gets cold, I'm...

Afia, you have to be nice to people, even if they irritate you.

Like we're all nice to Danni. Exactly.

What?

OK, Dev, let's pretend you're Jasim.

Oh, er...

FLATLY: Hello, Afia.

Oh, that's really good. I like studying.

I like laminating.

I like putting the little coloured tabs on my files.

But most of all... I like you.

Ooh. SHE CHUCKLES

I like those things too.

The thing is... SHE GROANS

This is so stupid! Waitress! Can we get the bill?

DOOR SLAMS Chisel, another bottle, please.

HE CLEARS THROAT I was told to come and see you.

And can you? What?

Can you see me? Oh, yeah. Crystal clear.

Fantastic.

Wait, there's something else. Well, what's that?

There's a serial killer.

Not in the building. At large. Oh.

He's killed five men after he slept with them,

cut them up into tiny pieces and ate them.

Jesus.

He keeps the testicles in the freezer,

says he's waiting to get a dozen till he can make Italian meatballs.

Shit! What, and you think I'm the one to catch him?

No. I think you look like him.

Spectacle Lecter, testicle collector.

Oh, my God.

So, a couple of things. Mm?

Is it you? No way! What...?

You would say that, wouldn't you? It's not me. It's not me.

In which case, do you think it's wise to copy his signature look?

Oh, it's the glasses, isn't it? No, they're fine.

As long as you don't mind being tasered, shot on sight

or given the cold shoulder in social situations.

Hey, whoa! I can't handle the cold shoulder.

HE SIGHS

What do you mean, I failed?

You failed. Simple. It's a fail.

F-A-L-E, fail.

What did I do wrong? Well, there was, er, everything.

And you lose marks for being a bit sulky,

so you would have lost, like, 95% just then.

Naked aggression is a bit of a buzzkill.

Oh, my God, I missed the naked bit. When was that?

The only way you can get a pass now is to do a practical.

An actual date? No way! I just want my certificate.

The examiners said they liked what Afia did

when Dev was pretending to be Jasim.

Eurgh! They thought you showed real promise there.

But it was only a glimpse. Yeah, something to work with.

Weird, that's the bit I thought was rubbish.

AUTOMATED VOICE: 'Buongiorno. Dov'e il Colosseo?'

Buongiorno! Dov'e il Colosseo?

Ah, Spanish!

Le langage de l'amour. What are you doing?

Nothing. Nothing. What...?

Oh, all right, all right!

I was just thinking that if you got the job

and I took the redundancy package, I could move to this eight-bedroom,

two-swimming-pool, one-vineyard Tuscan converted farmhouse.

You could be sat in the Tuscan hills,

drinking your own wine, hm?

Eating your own big fat olives.

Yes, ole! Mm, yeah.

Warm sun hitting your skin, all your troubles drifting away.

Oh, but, look, here comes Franco with news from the vineyard.

So, who's Franco? Your viticulturist.

Or vineyard manager, to you. Oh, yeah, yeah. Franco the wine man.

CHUCKLING: Yes.

IN ITALIAN ACCENT: "Mr Bob, come with us,

"and we will sip on wine."

Yes, and watch the sun set across the mountains.

"Si!" Yes, yes. Good old Franco.

You're saying I could have all this with the package on offer?

You could, yeah.

HE CLICKS TONGUE

HE INHALES SHARPLY, HUMS

HUMMING CONTINUES

VOCALISES

DEV WHIMPERS

Oh, fuck's sake!

DEV GASPS

Oh! Oh, yes!

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