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1
00:00:04,320 --> 00:00:06,480
These wretched cutbacks!
2
00:00:06,480 --> 00:00:07,960
Call me a gloomy Glenda,
3
00:00:07,960 --> 00:00:11,960
but we simply can't afford
two senior officers of your rank.
4
00:00:11,960 --> 00:00:13,960
And these cutbacks, Sir,
have they perhaps funded
5
00:00:13,960 --> 00:00:15,960
this amenity
that you've had installed down here?
6
00:00:15,960 --> 00:00:18,800
It's an excellent choice
of pale pine, though,
7
00:00:18,800 --> 00:00:19,960
Sir, I'm guessing.
8
00:00:19,960 --> 00:00:21,960
Yes, well, no police training
college can operate
9
00:00:21,960 --> 00:00:23,960
without an executive sauna
in the basement.
10
00:00:23,960 --> 00:00:26,960
And nothing can boost
the efficiency of the leadership
11
00:00:26,960 --> 00:00:28,960
like regular nakedness.
12
00:00:28,960 --> 00:00:31,960
You see, those beneath me
need to look up and say,
13
00:00:31,960 --> 00:00:33,960
"There's a man's man."
14
00:00:33,960 --> 00:00:35,320
Do you see? Hm?
15
00:00:35,320 --> 00:00:37,800
CUNNINGHAM CLICKS
Towel, please, Superintendent.
16
00:00:37,800 --> 00:00:38,960
Right, off you trot.
17
00:00:38,960 --> 00:00:42,960
I need to moisturise
and then talc my pits.
18
00:00:42,960 --> 00:00:44,960
Come on, Bob.
Off you go.
19
00:00:44,960 --> 00:00:47,960
Do you think every meeting's
gonna be in the sauna from now on?
20
00:00:47,960 --> 00:00:50,000
Because I feel like
I've been boiled in a kettle.
21
00:00:50,000 --> 00:00:51,960
Welcome to the menopause, Bob.
22
00:00:52,960 --> 00:00:56,480
Ah. Marvellous!
LAUGHS
23
00:01:09,960 --> 00:01:12,960
SLURPS
24
00:01:19,160 --> 00:01:22,160
Who was that?
Some random weirdo.
25
00:01:24,960 --> 00:01:27,640
Hey, Geeta.
There was this old man on the bus...
26
00:01:27,640 --> 00:01:28,960
And you're directing that at me
27
00:01:28,960 --> 00:01:30,960
cos you think I might know him
cos I'm old. No.
28
00:01:30,960 --> 00:01:34,320
This old man, he basically said he
had eight of his baby teeth still.
29
00:01:34,320 --> 00:01:35,960
OK, that's weird.
I know!
30
00:01:35,960 --> 00:01:37,960
And then basically,
he made me count them.
31
00:01:37,960 --> 00:01:40,960
And he opened his mouth, and it
just smelt of, like, cooked mince.
32
00:01:40,960 --> 00:01:41,960
Reminded me of my nunu.
33
00:01:41,960 --> 00:01:44,960
Your nunu?
Smells of mince?
34
00:01:44,960 --> 00:01:46,320
Yeah, mince. And sometimes,
35
00:01:46,320 --> 00:01:48,960
just the slightest waft
of, like, vinegar. Wow.
36
00:01:48,960 --> 00:01:50,960
Yeah.
37
00:01:50,960 --> 00:01:53,480
She was talking about her granny,
right? I really hope so.
38
00:01:54,960 --> 00:01:56,960
AFIA GASPS
Results time!
39
00:01:58,960 --> 00:02:01,800
Whoa, steady on!
Someone's keen to see their results.
40
00:02:01,800 --> 00:02:02,960
BOTH: 98%.
41
00:02:02,960 --> 00:02:06,960
Ah, no surprise it's you two -
Barakat and her doppelganger.
42
00:02:06,960 --> 00:02:08,960
Doppelganger?
Mm?
43
00:02:08,960 --> 00:02:10,960
Doppelganger?
It's just a foreign thing.
44
00:02:10,960 --> 00:02:12,960
German.
45
00:02:12,960 --> 00:02:14,960
I don't mean to imply
that in any way you're German.
46
00:02:14,960 --> 00:02:18,960
It's just that you've both got
a sort of satchel-y, spectacle-y,
47
00:02:18,960 --> 00:02:20,960
Tweedledum-Tweedledee
sort of thing.
48
00:02:20,960 --> 00:02:23,960
It's a vibe.
Well, that's offensive.
49
00:02:23,960 --> 00:02:24,960
Could it not be a compliment?
50
00:02:24,960 --> 00:02:26,960
I might report you to HR.
I might report him to HR.
51
00:02:26,960 --> 00:02:29,800
I might report him first.
I might report him first.
52
00:02:29,800 --> 00:02:33,960
Anyway, now I think about it, you're
both actually incredibly different.
53
00:02:33,960 --> 00:02:35,640
It's uncanny.
54
00:02:35,640 --> 00:02:38,000
Congratulations, both of you!
Individually, obviously.
55
00:02:45,960 --> 00:02:47,960
Can I come to your wedding, please?
What?
56
00:02:47,960 --> 00:02:50,160
Can I come? Please.
I'm free on the 11th.
57
00:02:50,160 --> 00:02:52,960
No.
Oh. OK.
58
00:02:52,960 --> 00:02:55,320
I mean, weddings are special, Paul.
Exactly, that's why I wanna come.
59
00:02:55,320 --> 00:02:56,960
It's not just, like, a party.
60
00:02:56,960 --> 00:02:58,960
I mean, it's for your family,
and you're not family.
61
00:02:58,960 --> 00:03:01,960
Technically, I am family.
Not my family.
62
00:03:01,960 --> 00:03:02,960
No.
No.
63
00:03:02,960 --> 00:03:05,960
And for good friends.
And I'm not good enough.
64
00:03:05,960 --> 00:03:07,960
OK, yeah, sure, that's fair.
I mean old friends.
65
00:03:07,960 --> 00:03:11,160
I'm nearly 22.
Close friends.
66
00:03:11,160 --> 00:03:13,960
Do you think we'll be close friends
by the 11th?
67
00:03:13,960 --> 00:03:14,960
The invites have already gone out,
Paul.
68
00:03:14,960 --> 00:03:17,960
There's no room
for any more friends. Oh.
69
00:03:17,960 --> 00:03:19,960
What if I was to become family?
How would that happen?
70
00:03:19,960 --> 00:03:22,960
I might marry your sister.
What? They're already married.
71
00:03:22,960 --> 00:03:24,000
Your brother?
I ain't got a brother.
72
00:03:24,000 --> 00:03:25,960
Oh. Your mum?
73
00:03:25,960 --> 00:03:26,960
Leave it, Paul.
74
00:03:29,960 --> 00:03:33,960
Miscreants and ne'er-do-wells
come in all shapes and sizes,
75
00:03:33,960 --> 00:03:38,960
so one of the principal risk factors
to bear in mind when using restraint
76
00:03:38,960 --> 00:03:42,960
might be if the restrainee
is very, very...
77
00:03:42,960 --> 00:03:43,960
Anyone?
Big?
78
00:03:43,960 --> 00:03:45,000
Very, very...?
GEETA: Yeah, big.
79
00:03:45,000 --> 00:03:47,960
Very, very...?
Big? Oh, is it big?
80
00:03:47,960 --> 00:03:51,960
Yes, yes, could be, but also,
perhaps more surprisingly,
81
00:03:51,960 --> 00:03:53,960
if they're very, very...
Small?
82
00:03:53,960 --> 00:03:54,960
Small?
No.
83
00:03:54,960 --> 00:03:56,960
Smaller?
Not you.
84
00:03:56,960 --> 00:03:58,960
Very, very s-small?
85
00:03:58,960 --> 00:03:59,960
Yes! Excellent.
86
00:03:59,960 --> 00:04:02,960
Very big or very, very small
87
00:04:02,960 --> 00:04:05,960
makes it difficult with the...
restraining.
88
00:04:05,960 --> 00:04:07,960
So it's all... Goodness me, it's...
89
00:04:07,960 --> 00:04:11,640
Sir, have you ever had to restrain
someone, like, over ten foot tall?
90
00:04:11,640 --> 00:04:13,960
Excellent question.
Er, let me have a think.
91
00:04:13,960 --> 00:04:18,960
Mm, not sure I have, unless
you count someone standing on a box.
92
00:04:18,960 --> 00:04:20,960
And what about
someone under one foot?
93
00:04:20,960 --> 00:04:22,960
BOB EXHALES
Excellent question again.
94
00:04:22,960 --> 00:04:23,960
Is it? Is it really?
95
00:04:25,960 --> 00:04:28,480
Yes, it is. Because...
96
00:04:29,960 --> 00:04:32,960
..I have. So excellent question.
97
00:04:32,960 --> 00:04:35,960
You mean, like...?
But that must have been...
98
00:04:35,960 --> 00:04:40,960
Hard! Yes, it was very hard
because he was greased.
99
00:04:40,960 --> 00:04:43,960
You know? So it was like,
"Where are you?
100
00:04:43,960 --> 00:04:46,320
"No, there he is. Look, there.
Down there, down there.
101
00:04:46,320 --> 00:04:47,960
"Come here. Got you!
102
00:04:47,960 --> 00:04:49,960
"Yes, got him, got him.
Oh, and he's slipped,
103
00:04:49,960 --> 00:04:53,960
"Oh, it's like...
it's like squeezing a pea."
104
00:04:53,960 --> 00:04:55,960
So we never found him.
Wow.
105
00:04:57,960 --> 00:04:58,960
BOB SMACKS LIPS
106
00:05:04,640 --> 00:05:05,960
Sergeant Black.
107
00:05:07,960 --> 00:05:08,960
What now?
108
00:05:08,960 --> 00:05:10,960
1:30.
No, it's not.
109
00:05:10,960 --> 00:05:11,960
For your anger-management session.
110
00:05:11,960 --> 00:05:13,960
I know!
111
00:05:13,960 --> 00:05:15,960
Ooh, I sense you're feeling
the anger right now?
112
00:05:15,960 --> 00:05:18,640
Yes, I am, you cardigan muppet!
OK!
113
00:05:18,640 --> 00:05:20,960
So have you got
your grounding object?
114
00:05:20,960 --> 00:05:23,320
Remember, I told you
to keep a small object to hold
115
00:05:23,320 --> 00:05:25,960
and focus on when you feel angry.
116
00:05:25,960 --> 00:05:29,960
OK. I suggested a marble or a piece
of fabric, and that is...?
117
00:05:29,960 --> 00:05:31,960
Mushroom pizza.
So how are you feeling now?
118
00:05:31,960 --> 00:05:33,960
Cheesy. Do you want a bite?
119
00:05:33,960 --> 00:05:35,960
It's got fluffy shit all over it.
Yeah?
120
00:05:35,960 --> 00:05:36,960
Well, so have you.
121
00:05:38,960 --> 00:05:40,960
1:30! Don't be late.
122
00:05:42,800 --> 00:05:45,160
You know we only get three bog rolls
now for the entire building.
123
00:05:45,160 --> 00:05:48,960
It's the cuts, Julie. It's the cuts.
So be reasonable.
124
00:05:48,960 --> 00:05:50,960
Over in dog handling,
they bring their own paper in.
125
00:05:50,960 --> 00:05:51,960
HORN TOOTS
126
00:05:54,800 --> 00:05:55,960
Sir!
Mm-hm?
127
00:05:55,960 --> 00:06:00,960
Ah, morning, Superintendents.
But for how much longer? Mm?
128
00:06:00,960 --> 00:06:03,960
Two become one,
as the Spice Girls once said.
129
00:06:03,960 --> 00:06:07,960
Yeah. We've got a bit of a problem,
Sir, in the arse-wiping department.
130
00:06:07,960 --> 00:06:09,960
Oh, that. It's the cuts, Julie.
It's the cuts!
131
00:06:09,960 --> 00:06:12,960
See. He says, "It's the cuts,
Julie. It's the cuts." Shut up, Bob.
132
00:06:12,960 --> 00:06:15,960
Very good point, Bob. Finger
on the pulse. Won't go unnoticed.
133
00:06:15,960 --> 00:06:17,480
CUNNINGHAM HUMS
134
00:06:18,960 --> 00:06:20,960
He's off his trolley.
Come on, Julie.
135
00:06:20,960 --> 00:06:23,000
I don't think someone would be
allowed to continue in the force
136
00:06:23,000 --> 00:06:24,960
if they were off their trolley.
137
00:06:24,960 --> 00:06:28,960
Yes, that's a very good point, Bob.
I can't believe I just said that!
138
00:06:29,960 --> 00:06:33,960
But a superintendent
that's lost his marbles...
139
00:06:34,960 --> 00:06:37,320
..or what few he had. Ha!
140
00:06:39,640 --> 00:06:40,960
GRUNTS
141
00:06:54,960 --> 00:06:57,960
Ah! Ah, yes.
142
00:06:57,960 --> 00:07:00,960
I see you've found
our recycling bin.
143
00:07:00,960 --> 00:07:02,960
It's good to get your bearings,
isn't it?
144
00:07:02,960 --> 00:07:04,160
To make yourself feel at home.
145
00:07:04,160 --> 00:07:06,960
Ah, Sir, do you know,
I really feel at home now.
146
00:07:06,960 --> 00:07:08,960
Like, I really just feel
like I've landed on my feet.
147
00:07:08,960 --> 00:07:11,480
Like... Like a cat?
Like a cat.
148
00:07:11,480 --> 00:07:13,960
Hm. Did you know
I grew up with cats, Sir?
149
00:07:13,960 --> 00:07:14,960
Really?
Yeah. 47 of them.
150
00:07:14,960 --> 00:07:17,160
Oof.
Like, they were rescue cats, mostly.
151
00:07:17,160 --> 00:07:19,480
Ah. And who did they rescue?
152
00:07:19,480 --> 00:07:21,960
No, my parents were the ones
who rescued them,
153
00:07:21,960 --> 00:07:23,960
from the cat shelters,
and from the streets,
154
00:07:23,960 --> 00:07:26,960
and canals, and, like,
catnapping gangs and stuff.
155
00:07:26,960 --> 00:07:30,960
Oh, dear me.
We had Catty, Kitty, Binky, Bonky,
156
00:07:30,960 --> 00:07:33,320
Knobby with a K,
Nobby without a K,
157
00:07:33,320 --> 00:07:35,480
Spanky, Spunky, Twatty.
158
00:07:35,480 --> 00:07:36,960
That's a whole house full of cats.
159
00:07:36,960 --> 00:07:39,960
Clitty, Flappy, Sucky, Spurty.
160
00:07:39,960 --> 00:07:41,640
47 of them, you say?
161
00:07:41,640 --> 00:07:43,960
Titty, Hanky, Wanky.
162
00:07:43,960 --> 00:07:45,960
Your parents name them all,
do they?
163
00:07:45,960 --> 00:07:47,960
No, that's what they were called
when we found them.
164
00:07:47,960 --> 00:07:48,960
No, course, course.
165
00:07:48,960 --> 00:07:50,960
I'm not sure I'm gonna be able
to hear about all of them.
166
00:07:50,960 --> 00:07:52,960
It really won't take me long, Sir.
Right. All right.
167
00:07:52,960 --> 00:07:54,960
Off you go. Mm-hm.
168
00:07:54,960 --> 00:07:57,960
Bunty, Punty, Madgey, Vadgey.
169
00:07:57,960 --> 00:07:58,960
I didn't say Vadgey, did I?
170
00:07:58,960 --> 00:08:00,960
Vadgey... Can't remember.
171
00:08:00,960 --> 00:08:03,800
Vadgey.
BOB CHUCKLES
172
00:08:29,640 --> 00:08:31,960
Oh, hey, Afia. I was...
173
00:08:31,960 --> 00:08:33,960
Oh, sorry,
I thought you were someone else.
174
00:08:33,960 --> 00:08:34,960
Must be the satchel.
That's OK.
175
00:08:34,960 --> 00:08:37,480
I was just colour coding
all these module notes.
176
00:08:37,480 --> 00:08:38,960
Oh. Sounds strangely familiar.
177
00:08:38,960 --> 00:08:40,960
And this is
all of tonight's revision,
178
00:08:40,960 --> 00:08:41,960
in reverse alphabetical order.
179
00:08:41,960 --> 00:08:43,320
But first, I've got to laminate
180
00:08:43,320 --> 00:08:45,960
all the new instruction sheets,
obviously. Yeah, obviously.
181
00:08:45,960 --> 00:08:48,000
I complained that
they didn't come already laminated,
182
00:08:48,000 --> 00:08:49,960
which would have been sensible.
183
00:08:49,960 --> 00:08:51,960
Complain a lot, do you?
The correct amount, yes.
184
00:08:51,960 --> 00:08:53,960
It's almost like
they don't encourage hard work.
185
00:08:53,960 --> 00:08:55,960
Oh, my God.
186
00:08:55,960 --> 00:08:58,960
I know, right? So unhelpful.
187
00:08:58,960 --> 00:09:00,320
Have you met Afia Barakat?
188
00:09:00,320 --> 00:09:01,960
In a way. Why?
189
00:09:01,960 --> 00:09:05,960
I just think you should talk to her
or maybe, I don't know, marry her.
190
00:09:05,960 --> 00:09:06,960
Ha-ha (!)
191
00:09:06,960 --> 00:09:09,960
Good proposition, but I don't think
I could even ask her out.
192
00:09:09,960 --> 00:09:12,160
It's the nerdiness. Yeah,
don't let your nerdiness stop you.
193
00:09:12,160 --> 00:09:13,960
What?
Hers!
194
00:09:13,960 --> 00:09:16,960
Don't let HER nerdiness stop you.
195
00:09:16,960 --> 00:09:19,960
You're right. I can make allowances.
196
00:09:22,160 --> 00:09:24,480
YELLING
197
00:09:25,960 --> 00:09:27,960
Right, why are you
only eating carrot?
198
00:09:27,960 --> 00:09:29,960
Erm, I'm getting married
on Saturday.
199
00:09:29,960 --> 00:09:31,960
Is the service taking place
in the dark?
200
00:09:31,960 --> 00:09:34,320
Did Jeff tell you
not to eat potatoes?
201
00:09:34,320 --> 00:09:36,960
Jack. Jack. Did Jack tell you
not to eat potatoes?
202
00:09:36,960 --> 00:09:38,320
No, it's my choice.
203
00:09:38,320 --> 00:09:41,960
I just don't want everyone in the
church going, "Here comes Fatty."
204
00:09:41,960 --> 00:09:43,960
We're quite shallow, really,
aren't we? Me?
205
00:09:43,960 --> 00:09:46,640
No, just mankind.
Can you pass the pepper?
206
00:09:47,640 --> 00:09:48,960
Thanks.
207
00:09:49,960 --> 00:09:50,960
Oh!
208
00:09:50,960 --> 00:09:53,960
I can't have anything in my hands
that's sexual
209
00:09:53,960 --> 00:09:56,960
or anything like that at the minute.
210
00:09:56,960 --> 00:09:58,960
Do you want me to grind it for you?
Don't say that!
211
00:09:58,960 --> 00:10:00,960
What is going on?
212
00:10:00,960 --> 00:10:02,960
We're not gonna have sex
before the big day.
213
00:10:02,960 --> 00:10:04,960
Have we? Because
I didn't really agree to that.
214
00:10:04,960 --> 00:10:06,800
No, no, no, Jack!
Oh, OK.
215
00:10:06,800 --> 00:10:09,960
To be romantic, and, erm, you know,
I've got a really high sex drive.
216
00:10:09,960 --> 00:10:12,960
And, well,
if anything ever touches me,
217
00:10:12,960 --> 00:10:14,960
I just get a bit... you know.
218
00:10:14,960 --> 00:10:15,960
CHUCKLES SOFTLY
219
00:10:15,960 --> 00:10:18,960
But what if the sex is crap
when you finally do it?
220
00:10:18,960 --> 00:10:20,960
What are you, my dad?
Is that what your dad said?
221
00:10:20,960 --> 00:10:21,960
Yeah.
Right.
222
00:10:21,960 --> 00:10:24,960
Could you not have some casual sex
on the side to keep you going?
223
00:10:24,960 --> 00:10:26,960
That's what he said.
Your dad said that to you?
224
00:10:26,960 --> 00:10:29,960
No, Jack. And I said...
I went, "No, Jack.
225
00:10:29,960 --> 00:10:32,480
"No, Jack." Erm, "No, Jack."
226
00:10:32,480 --> 00:10:33,960
Like that. More like that.
227
00:10:47,480 --> 00:10:49,960
I'm not happy about this.
I'm missing lunch.
228
00:10:49,960 --> 00:10:52,960
And it doesn't feel natural having
a wire up my trousers. It's fine.
229
00:10:52,960 --> 00:10:55,000
Today is just about
getting you used to wearing it
230
00:10:55,000 --> 00:10:57,960
so when you're around family
members, it'll feel natural.
231
00:10:57,960 --> 00:10:59,480
It keeps catching in my pubes.
232
00:10:59,480 --> 00:11:01,960
Blimey, how far up your body
do your pubes go?
233
00:11:01,960 --> 00:11:04,320
The usual amount.
Couple of inches below my nips.
234
00:11:04,320 --> 00:11:06,960
You shouldn't be running the wire
through your pants, anyway. Jesus.
235
00:11:06,960 --> 00:11:08,960
All right, Paul? What you up to?
236
00:11:08,960 --> 00:11:11,960
Oh, shit! Oily Jim.
This your dad?
237
00:11:11,960 --> 00:11:13,000
Dad? No, I'm not his fucking dad.
238
00:11:13,000 --> 00:11:15,320
All right, keep your hair on.
Firstly, I'm a woman.
239
00:11:15,320 --> 00:11:17,960
His gran, then? No,
she's actually older than my gran.
240
00:11:17,960 --> 00:11:19,960
Secondly, I don't look
anything like him.
241
00:11:19,960 --> 00:11:22,000
Yeah, you've got
the same wispy moustache.
242
00:11:22,000 --> 00:11:24,960
So, er, who are you, then?
243
00:11:26,320 --> 00:11:28,800
She's my lover.
244
00:11:28,800 --> 00:11:31,960
For real? You're doing it with her?
245
00:11:31,960 --> 00:11:33,960
Yes, yes.
Yes, yes.
246
00:11:33,960 --> 00:11:37,960
We are at it all the time, actually.
Oh.
247
00:11:37,960 --> 00:11:39,960
I'll kiss her, if you like.
I'm sorry?
248
00:11:39,960 --> 00:11:42,960
Er... yeah. Yeah, all right, then.
249
00:11:43,960 --> 00:11:45,480
All right, then. Erm...
250
00:11:47,960 --> 00:11:48,960
Come here, you.
251
00:11:54,960 --> 00:11:56,960
PAUL BABBLES
252
00:11:59,960 --> 00:12:00,960
Hm.
253
00:12:01,960 --> 00:12:03,960
See you at Shannon's wedding, then.
254
00:12:05,800 --> 00:12:07,960
Whew. Well, that was close.
255
00:12:08,960 --> 00:12:10,960
Do you wanna kiss again
in case he looks back?
256
00:12:10,960 --> 00:12:11,960
No, I do not.
257
00:12:12,960 --> 00:12:14,960
It's actually
popped my wire out a bit.
258
00:12:19,960 --> 00:12:22,320
Afia Barakat.
Yes.
259
00:12:22,320 --> 00:12:25,160
You have a very well-placed locker.
Yes.
260
00:12:25,160 --> 00:12:26,960
It's neither too far
from the vending machine,
261
00:12:26,960 --> 00:12:28,320
nor too close to the toilet.
262
00:12:28,320 --> 00:12:30,800
That is correct.
Yes.
263
00:12:30,800 --> 00:12:32,960
Your locker is not well placed.
It is not.
264
00:12:32,960 --> 00:12:35,800
Would you maybe think about, erm...
265
00:12:35,800 --> 00:12:37,960
I will not change lockers.
SHE SCOFFS
266
00:12:37,960 --> 00:12:38,960
Jeez.
267
00:12:40,320 --> 00:12:41,960
..going out with me?
268
00:12:50,960 --> 00:12:52,480
Why did you do that?
269
00:12:53,960 --> 00:12:56,960
Breathe in the calming flowers.
HE INHALES BRIEFLY
270
00:12:56,960 --> 00:12:59,960
Learn to use your energy safely
in other ways.
271
00:12:59,960 --> 00:13:01,960
This can help relieve
your feelings of anger
272
00:13:01,960 --> 00:13:03,960
in a way that doesn't hurt
yourself or others.
273
00:13:03,960 --> 00:13:05,960
Have you just googled that?
Not in the slightest.
274
00:13:05,960 --> 00:13:09,480
For example,
you could try tearing up paper,
275
00:13:09,480 --> 00:13:11,960
hitting a pillow
or smashing ice cubes.
276
00:13:14,960 --> 00:13:18,640
Did I say vases?
Don't know, wasn't listening.
277
00:13:18,640 --> 00:13:20,960
It may help to work off your anger
through exercise.
278
00:13:20,960 --> 00:13:22,960
Shall we try
some physical activity together?
279
00:13:22,960 --> 00:13:25,960
Hm, yeah! How about boxing?
How about dancing?
280
00:13:25,960 --> 00:13:28,960
SCOFFS
I only know the Argentinian tango.
281
00:13:28,960 --> 00:13:31,800
It's quite an angry dance.
What's not to like?
282
00:13:31,800 --> 00:13:35,480
Submissive women meekly following
aggressive dominant males. Oi.
283
00:13:35,480 --> 00:13:37,960
Are you dancing or what?
I shall.
284
00:13:37,960 --> 00:13:42,960
But only because it's my decision,
and because it's part of my job.
285
00:13:43,960 --> 00:13:46,000
TANGO MUSIC PLAYS
286
00:13:51,960 --> 00:13:52,960
Mm.
287
00:13:57,160 --> 00:13:59,320
CHATTER
288
00:13:59,320 --> 00:14:02,960
Where's Sergeant Black?
Don't know, should be here by now.
289
00:14:03,960 --> 00:14:06,960
Dev, I think that's a chair.
No, I think it might be a test.
290
00:14:06,960 --> 00:14:08,960
Nah, it's PE stuff today.
291
00:14:08,960 --> 00:14:10,960
No, like a test for initiative. Hm?
292
00:14:12,000 --> 00:14:15,960
There's a bit on SAS: Rogue Heroes -
which I was nearly in, by the way.
293
00:14:15,960 --> 00:14:16,960
Oh, well done.
294
00:14:16,960 --> 00:14:19,480
The new recruits have to assemble
some scaffolding into a tower
295
00:14:19,480 --> 00:14:22,960
whilst the SAS guy in charge
is up a hill, shooting at them.
296
00:14:22,960 --> 00:14:24,480
You don't think
there's someone in here
297
00:14:24,480 --> 00:14:26,160
getting ready to shoot at me
with a huge gun?
298
00:14:26,160 --> 00:14:29,480
They might, if we don't start
using our initiative.
299
00:14:29,480 --> 00:14:31,640
TANGO MUSIC PLAYS
300
00:14:58,960 --> 00:15:01,960
PHONE RINGS,
MUSIC STOPS
301
00:15:01,960 --> 00:15:02,960
I'm so sorry.
That was a rubbish idea!
302
00:15:02,960 --> 00:15:05,000
No. No, it was working.
303
00:15:05,000 --> 00:15:07,800
I-I was feeling less angry.
304
00:15:07,800 --> 00:15:09,800
Yes, and I feel less clean.
305
00:15:16,960 --> 00:15:18,160
CHATTER
306
00:15:19,800 --> 00:15:21,960
All right,
enough schoolgirl nattering.
307
00:15:24,960 --> 00:15:25,960
DEV: We panicked.
308
00:15:25,960 --> 00:15:29,960
I'm not even mad.
That's genuinely impressive.
309
00:15:29,960 --> 00:15:32,960
DAZ CHUCKLES
Hang on, where's Dumbo?
310
00:15:37,960 --> 00:15:38,960
Heads.
311
00:15:49,960 --> 00:15:51,960
Everything all right, Bob?
312
00:15:51,960 --> 00:15:52,960
Has...
313
00:15:55,640 --> 00:15:58,960
Has the furniture changed?
314
00:15:58,960 --> 00:16:00,960
Furniture doesn't change, Bob,
it stays the same.
315
00:16:00,960 --> 00:16:01,960
It's famous for it.
316
00:16:01,960 --> 00:16:05,960
Yeah. Yes, of course.
I must be imagining it.
317
00:16:05,960 --> 00:16:07,960
Well, I once imagined
you were good at your job,
318
00:16:07,960 --> 00:16:10,320
so weird shit does happen.
319
00:16:17,960 --> 00:16:20,960
Right! Restraint.
320
00:16:20,960 --> 00:16:23,960
Buddy up,
and let's see some restraining.
321
00:16:23,960 --> 00:16:27,160
Those of you in the criminal role,
let's have a bit of resisting, yeah?
322
00:16:28,640 --> 00:16:29,960
CHATTER
323
00:16:29,960 --> 00:16:31,960
Up she goes. Bam.
324
00:16:33,960 --> 00:16:35,000
Danni, get off me.
325
00:16:36,960 --> 00:16:39,960
DANNI MOANS BREATHILY
326
00:16:39,960 --> 00:16:42,480
DANNI SQUEALS
327
00:16:42,480 --> 00:16:44,960
DANNI EXHALES
328
00:16:44,960 --> 00:16:46,960
Er, what was that noise?
329
00:16:46,960 --> 00:16:47,960
What noise?
330
00:16:47,960 --> 00:16:50,960
That sort of squeaking noise
you made when you were cuffing him?
331
00:16:50,960 --> 00:16:51,960
Nothing.
It was something.
332
00:16:51,960 --> 00:16:53,960
It was... It was...
An orgasm.
333
00:16:53,960 --> 00:16:56,960
Don't be ridiculous.
Did someone just mention orgasm?
334
00:16:56,960 --> 00:16:59,960
OK, I've got this. Stand back.
335
00:16:59,960 --> 00:17:01,800
No-one mentioned anything.
336
00:17:01,800 --> 00:17:03,320
Yeah, she just did an orgasm on me.
337
00:17:03,320 --> 00:17:05,960
AFIA AND CONNOR: Eurgh!
Gross.
338
00:17:05,960 --> 00:17:08,960
OK, OK. We have a incident.
Keep your distance, you lot.
339
00:17:08,960 --> 00:17:10,480
Shall I go and get
the incident book?
340
00:17:10,480 --> 00:17:11,960
It was not an incident!
341
00:17:11,960 --> 00:17:14,960
I mean why... why...? How...?
I wouldn't ever have done that.
342
00:17:14,960 --> 00:17:17,960
Well, you did, and to be honest,
I can't blame you, cos look at that.
343
00:17:17,960 --> 00:17:19,480
Yeah, but I didn't.
344
00:17:19,480 --> 00:17:22,960
OK, right, I've not come across this
in the restraining process before,
345
00:17:22,960 --> 00:17:24,960
but it is best to be prepared
346
00:17:24,960 --> 00:17:27,320
in case you get this kind of freak
out on the streets. Freak?!
347
00:17:27,320 --> 00:17:28,960
Paul, what did it sound like?
The orgasm?
348
00:17:28,960 --> 00:17:32,640
There was no orgasm.
Like a brown-headed nuthatch.
349
00:17:32,640 --> 00:17:33,960
And you'd know, would you?
350
00:17:33,960 --> 00:17:35,960
Yeah, I would know, because I saw it
on a wildlife programme.
351
00:17:35,960 --> 00:17:38,160
It sounds a little bit like
a squeaky toy.
352
00:17:38,160 --> 00:17:39,960
So pretty unsexy, then.
353
00:17:39,960 --> 00:17:41,960
Well, it can't have been me, then,
because my orgasms,
354
00:17:41,960 --> 00:17:42,960
they're cute and adorable.
355
00:17:42,960 --> 00:17:44,960
Like a baby harp seal.
356
00:17:44,960 --> 00:17:45,960
PAUL IMITATES SEAL
357
00:17:45,960 --> 00:17:49,960
OK, OK, I think
we've all had enough orgasms.
358
00:17:49,960 --> 00:17:51,960
Those are words
I never thought I'd hear.
359
00:17:51,960 --> 00:17:53,960
Sir, you're not allowed to have
a workplace orgasm
360
00:17:53,960 --> 00:17:55,800
on a fellow trainee.
361
00:17:55,800 --> 00:17:57,960
It was not an orgasm.
I said enough!
362
00:17:57,960 --> 00:18:00,960
If she doesn't admit it,
you could get HR to investigate.
363
00:18:00,960 --> 00:18:03,160
No! OK, fine.
364
00:18:03,160 --> 00:18:05,800
I'm just a tiny bit sensitive
at the minute.
365
00:18:05,800 --> 00:18:07,960
CONNOR LAUGHS
What you gonna do, arrest me?
366
00:18:07,960 --> 00:18:10,320
Me and Jack, we're, erm, abstaining.
367
00:18:10,320 --> 00:18:11,960
"Jack and I" are abstaining.
368
00:18:11,960 --> 00:18:15,320
I didn't know you knew Jack.
DAZ GROWLS
369
00:18:15,320 --> 00:18:17,960
The climax of the common hippo.
370
00:18:17,960 --> 00:18:20,960
Which is to say,
when it sploshes everywhere.
371
00:18:24,960 --> 00:18:25,960
HE EXHALES
372
00:18:34,960 --> 00:18:35,960
Hm?
373
00:18:40,960 --> 00:18:41,960
GASPS
374
00:18:46,960 --> 00:18:48,800
HE STAMMERS
375
00:18:53,640 --> 00:18:54,960
AFIA SIGHS
376
00:18:54,960 --> 00:18:56,960
EXHALES
377
00:18:58,960 --> 00:19:00,640
Afia Barakat.
378
00:19:00,640 --> 00:19:02,960
I've prepared a factsheet
about myself -
379
00:19:02,960 --> 00:19:06,000
interests, strengths
and, well, other strengths.
380
00:19:06,000 --> 00:19:09,000
It's laminated. I thought maybe you
could do one about yourself for me?
381
00:19:09,000 --> 00:19:12,640
Are you coming on to me?
I'm just dealing in the facts.
382
00:19:12,640 --> 00:19:13,960
Are you coming on to me?
383
00:19:13,960 --> 00:19:16,320
That would be a yes.
Maybe we could go out?
384
00:19:16,320 --> 00:19:18,960
SHE LAUGHS
385
00:19:18,960 --> 00:19:20,480
LAUGHING: Oh...
386
00:19:20,480 --> 00:19:22,960
Oh, you're being serious.
387
00:19:22,960 --> 00:19:25,800
Yeah. I mean, the plan would be...
Er...
388
00:19:25,800 --> 00:19:27,960
Can I stop you there?
It's a no from me.
389
00:19:27,960 --> 00:19:30,480
But why?
Because we have nothing in common.
390
00:19:30,480 --> 00:19:31,960
I was prepared to overlook that.
391
00:19:32,960 --> 00:19:35,960
Same satchel, though.
Ugh. I'm getting a new one.
392
00:19:35,960 --> 00:19:38,000
HE GASPS
You can go now.
393
00:19:40,960 --> 00:19:43,960
Jesus, Afia.
I know, right?
394
00:19:43,960 --> 00:19:46,960
What a nerd. Ugh.
395
00:20:04,640 --> 00:20:06,960
WATER GURGLES
396
00:20:06,960 --> 00:20:09,160
Sorry, Miss, have you seen
Superintendent Spry?
397
00:20:09,160 --> 00:20:10,640
Oh, God, sorry.
398
00:20:10,640 --> 00:20:12,960
I'm on my break, so don't even think
about raising an eyebrow.
399
00:20:12,960 --> 00:20:14,960
Oh, you're getting a haircut.
No.
400
00:20:14,960 --> 00:20:17,960
Dentist?
No. I'm doing vaginal hydrotherapy.
401
00:20:17,960 --> 00:20:20,960
Ah, that's nice, yeah.
And what is that?
402
00:20:20,960 --> 00:20:23,960
I'm removing my ex-lover's imprint
to make it ready
403
00:20:23,960 --> 00:20:25,960
in case there's somebody else.
404
00:20:25,960 --> 00:20:28,480
Red clover, raspberry, mugwort,
405
00:20:28,480 --> 00:20:31,960
all simmering below to steam
my vaginal tissues. Oh, right, yeah.
406
00:20:31,960 --> 00:20:33,960
No, I thought so, actually.
407
00:20:33,960 --> 00:20:35,960
You know,
I once burnt my balls in a bidet,
408
00:20:35,960 --> 00:20:37,800
so I had to dunk them in ice
for ages.
409
00:20:37,800 --> 00:20:40,480
Your inane prattling is blocking
my moisture channels. Get out.
410
00:20:40,480 --> 00:20:41,960
Can I not just watch for a bit?
411
00:20:41,960 --> 00:20:43,960
No, fuck off,
and close the door behind you.
412
00:20:43,960 --> 00:20:46,640
There is no door.
I meant your mouth.
413
00:20:50,960 --> 00:20:52,480
WATER GURGLES
414
00:20:52,480 --> 00:20:53,960
KNOCK AT DOOR
Ah!
415
00:20:53,960 --> 00:20:55,960
I hope this is important.
416
00:20:55,960 --> 00:20:57,960
I've had to cancel my appointment
for my back, sack and crack.
417
00:20:57,960 --> 00:20:59,640
It is, Sir.
418
00:20:59,640 --> 00:21:01,480
Sir, I wanted you
to be the first to know...
419
00:21:01,480 --> 00:21:04,960
No, the second, because
I've spoken to Julie about...
420
00:21:04,960 --> 00:21:05,960
No, actually, the third,
421
00:21:05,960 --> 00:21:08,960
because I may have mentioned it
to Melanie.
422
00:21:08,960 --> 00:21:10,960
When is a desk not a desk?
Just spit it out, Bob.
423
00:21:10,960 --> 00:21:12,960
Well, Sir, I've not been feeling
myself lately.
424
00:21:12,960 --> 00:21:16,480
I've been feeling a little bit
squiggly-wiggly in the head.
425
00:21:16,480 --> 00:21:18,960
Good Lord, man.
How long has this been going on?
426
00:21:18,960 --> 00:21:21,320
Since mid-afternoon.
Since today?
427
00:21:21,320 --> 00:21:23,480
Yes, and I think,
for the sake of the force,
428
00:21:23,480 --> 00:21:26,960
I would totally understand if I was
required to fall on my sword, Sir,
429
00:21:26,960 --> 00:21:28,960
if you were to push me
onto my sword.
430
00:21:28,960 --> 00:21:31,960
We'll be very, very sad
to see him go, won't we, Sir?
431
00:21:31,960 --> 00:21:33,800
Good heavens, no.
432
00:21:33,800 --> 00:21:34,960
That's a bit harsh.
I mean no.
433
00:21:34,960 --> 00:21:36,640
There's no question of you leaving
434
00:21:36,640 --> 00:21:37,960
on account
of a little bobbity-wobble.
435
00:21:37,960 --> 00:21:40,160
What?
Hard to believe,
436
00:21:40,160 --> 00:21:43,800
even I feel a little bit
higgledy-piggledy sometimes.
437
00:21:43,800 --> 00:21:45,960
We embrace those who are struggling
with the nigglies.
438
00:21:45,960 --> 00:21:47,960
We offer a helping hand.
439
00:21:47,960 --> 00:21:48,960
Do we?
Yes.
440
00:21:48,960 --> 00:21:51,960
Big old pot of dosh ring-fenced,
I believe.
441
00:21:51,960 --> 00:21:53,480
See you back at your desk tomorrow.
442
00:21:53,480 --> 00:21:55,000
You're virtually un-sackable now,
Bob!
443
00:21:56,960 --> 00:22:00,480
Actually, Sir, I also have
some funny turns sometimes.
444
00:22:00,480 --> 00:22:01,960
A little bit wobbly-tobbly.
445
00:22:01,960 --> 00:22:05,960
Oh, and, Spry, I do need you
to give premises a call
446
00:22:05,960 --> 00:22:07,960
about that penguin
I keep seeing on the lawn.
447
00:22:07,960 --> 00:22:11,320
It's... It's freaking me out.
Yep, Sir, on it.
448
00:22:15,960 --> 00:22:17,480
HE SQUEALS
449
00:22:17,480 --> 00:22:19,640
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