Original subtitles

These wretched cutbacks!

Call me a gloomy Glenda,

but we simply can't afford two senior officers of your rank.

And these cutbacks, Sir, have they perhaps funded

this amenity that you've had installed down here?

It's an excellent choice of pale pine, though,

Sir, I'm guessing.

Yes, well, no police training college can operate

without an executive sauna in the basement.

And nothing can boost the efficiency of the leadership

like regular nakedness.

You see, those beneath me need to look up and say,

"There's a man's man."

Do you see? Hm?

CUNNINGHAM CLICKS Towel, please, Superintendent.

Right, off you trot.

I need to moisturise and then talc my pits.

Come on, Bob. Off you go.

Do you think every meeting's gonna be in the sauna from now on?

Because I feel like I've been boiled in a kettle.

Welcome to the menopause, Bob.

Ah. Marvellous! LAUGHS

SLURPS

Who was that? Some random weirdo.

Hey, Geeta. There was this old man on the bus...

And you're directing that at me

cos you think I might know him cos I'm old. No.

This old man, he basically said he had eight of his baby teeth still.

OK, that's weird. I know!

And then basically, he made me count them.

And he opened his mouth, and it just smelt of, like, cooked mince.

Reminded me of my nunu.

Your nunu? Smells of mince?

Yeah, mince. And sometimes,

just the slightest waft of, like, vinegar. Wow.

Yeah.

She was talking about her granny, right? I really hope so.

AFIA GASPS Results time!

Whoa, steady on! Someone's keen to see their results.

BOTH: 98%.

Ah, no surprise it's you two - Barakat and her doppelganger.

Doppelganger? Mm?

Doppelganger? It's just a foreign thing.

German.

I don't mean to imply that in any way you're German.

It's just that you've both got a sort of satchel-y, spectacle-y,

Tweedledum-Tweedledee sort of thing.

It's a vibe. Well, that's offensive.

Could it not be a compliment?

I might report you to HR. I might report him to HR.

I might report him first. I might report him first.

Anyway, now I think about it, you're both actually incredibly different.

It's uncanny.

Congratulations, both of you! Individually, obviously.

Can I come to your wedding, please? What?

Can I come? Please. I'm free on the 11th.

No. Oh. OK.

I mean, weddings are special, Paul. Exactly, that's why I wanna come.

It's not just, like, a party.

I mean, it's for your family, and you're not family.

Technically, I am family. Not my family.

No. No.

And for good friends. And I'm not good enough.

OK, yeah, sure, that's fair. I mean old friends.

I'm nearly 22. Close friends.

Do you think we'll be close friends by the 11th?

The invites have already gone out, Paul.

There's no room for any more friends. Oh.

What if I was to become family? How would that happen?

I might marry your sister. What? They're already married.

Your brother? I ain't got a brother.

Oh. Your mum?

Leave it, Paul.

Miscreants and ne'er-do-wells come in all shapes and sizes,

so one of the principal risk factors to bear in mind when using restraint

might be if the restrainee is very, very...

Anyone? Big?

Very, very...? GEETA: Yeah, big.

Very, very...? Big? Oh, is it big?

Yes, yes, could be, but also, perhaps more surprisingly,

if they're very, very... Small?

Small? No.

Smaller? Not you.

Very, very s-small?

Yes! Excellent.

Very big or very, very small

makes it difficult with the... restraining.

So it's all... Goodness me, it's...

Sir, have you ever had to restrain someone, like, over ten foot tall?

Excellent question. Er, let me have a think.

Mm, not sure I have, unless you count someone standing on a box.

And what about someone under one foot?

BOB EXHALES Excellent question again.

Is it? Is it really?

Yes, it is. Because...

..I have. So excellent question.

You mean, like...? But that must have been...

Hard! Yes, it was very hard because he was greased.

You know? So it was like, "Where are you?

"No, there he is. Look, there. Down there, down there.

"Come here. Got you!

"Yes, got him, got him. Oh, and he's slipped,

"Oh, it's like... it's like squeezing a pea."

So we never found him. Wow.

BOB SMACKS LIPS

Sergeant Black.

What now?

1:30. No, it's not.

For your anger-management session.

I know!

Ooh, I sense you're feeling the anger right now?

Yes, I am, you cardigan muppet! OK!

So have you got your grounding object?

Remember, I told you to keep a small object to hold

and focus on when you feel angry.

OK. I suggested a marble or a piece of fabric, and that is...?

Mushroom pizza. So how are you feeling now?

Cheesy. Do you want a bite?

It's got fluffy shit all over it. Yeah?

Well, so have you.

1:30! Don't be late.

You know we only get three bog rolls now for the entire building.

It's the cuts, Julie. It's the cuts. So be reasonable.

Over in dog handling, they bring their own paper in.

HORN TOOTS

Sir! Mm-hm?

Ah, morning, Superintendents. But for how much longer? Mm?

Two become one, as the Spice Girls once said.

Yeah. We've got a bit of a problem, Sir, in the arse-wiping department.

Oh, that. It's the cuts, Julie. It's the cuts!

See. He says, "It's the cuts, Julie. It's the cuts." Shut up, Bob.

Very good point, Bob. Finger on the pulse. Won't go unnoticed.

CUNNINGHAM HUMS

He's off his trolley. Come on, Julie.

I don't think someone would be allowed to continue in the force

if they were off their trolley.

Yes, that's a very good point, Bob. I can't believe I just said that!

But a superintendent that's lost his marbles...

..or what few he had. Ha!

GRUNTS

Ah! Ah, yes.

I see you've found our recycling bin.

It's good to get your bearings, isn't it?

To make yourself feel at home.

Ah, Sir, do you know, I really feel at home now.

Like, I really just feel like I've landed on my feet.

Like... Like a cat? Like a cat.

Hm. Did you know I grew up with cats, Sir?

Really? Yeah. 47 of them.

Oof. Like, they were rescue cats, mostly.

Ah. And who did they rescue?

No, my parents were the ones who rescued them,

from the cat shelters, and from the streets,

and canals, and, like, catnapping gangs and stuff.

Oh, dear me. We had Catty, Kitty, Binky, Bonky,

Knobby with a K, Nobby without a K,

Spanky, Spunky, Twatty.

That's a whole house full of cats.

Clitty, Flappy, Sucky, Spurty.

47 of them, you say?

Titty, Hanky, Wanky.

Your parents name them all, do they?

No, that's what they were called when we found them.

No, course, course.

I'm not sure I'm gonna be able to hear about all of them.

It really won't take me long, Sir. Right. All right.

Off you go. Mm-hm.

Bunty, Punty, Madgey, Vadgey.

I didn't say Vadgey, did I?

Vadgey... Can't remember.

Vadgey. BOB CHUCKLES

Oh, hey, Afia. I was...

Oh, sorry, I thought you were someone else.

Must be the satchel. That's OK.

I was just colour coding all these module notes.

Oh. Sounds strangely familiar.

And this is all of tonight's revision,

in reverse alphabetical order.

But first, I've got to laminate

all the new instruction sheets, obviously. Yeah, obviously.

I complained that they didn't come already laminated,

which would have been sensible.

Complain a lot, do you? The correct amount, yes.

It's almost like they don't encourage hard work.

Oh, my God.

I know, right? So unhelpful.

Have you met Afia Barakat?

In a way. Why?

I just think you should talk to her or maybe, I don't know, marry her.

Ha-ha (!)

Good proposition, but I don't think I could even ask her out.

It's the nerdiness. Yeah, don't let your nerdiness stop you.

What? Hers!

Don't let HER nerdiness stop you.

You're right. I can make allowances.

YELLING

Right, why are you only eating carrot?

Erm, I'm getting married on Saturday.

Is the service taking place in the dark?

Did Jeff tell you not to eat potatoes?

Jack. Jack. Did Jack tell you not to eat potatoes?

No, it's my choice.

I just don't want everyone in the church going, "Here comes Fatty."

We're quite shallow, really, aren't we? Me?

No, just mankind. Can you pass the pepper?

Thanks.

Oh!

I can't have anything in my hands that's sexual

or anything like that at the minute.

Do you want me to grind it for you? Don't say that!

What is going on?

We're not gonna have sex before the big day.

Have we? Because I didn't really agree to that.

No, no, no, Jack! Oh, OK.

To be romantic, and, erm, you know, I've got a really high sex drive.

And, well, if anything ever touches me,

I just get a bit... you know.

CHUCKLES SOFTLY

But what if the sex is crap when you finally do it?

What are you, my dad? Is that what your dad said?

Yeah. Right.

Could you not have some casual sex on the side to keep you going?

That's what he said. Your dad said that to you?

No, Jack. And I said... I went, "No, Jack.

"No, Jack." Erm, "No, Jack."

Like that. More like that.

I'm not happy about this. I'm missing lunch.

And it doesn't feel natural having a wire up my trousers. It's fine.

Today is just about getting you used to wearing it

so when you're around family members, it'll feel natural.

It keeps catching in my pubes.

Blimey, how far up your body do your pubes go?

The usual amount. Couple of inches below my nips.

You shouldn't be running the wire through your pants, anyway. Jesus.

All right, Paul? What you up to?

Oh, shit! Oily Jim. This your dad?

Dad? No, I'm not his fucking dad.

All right, keep your hair on. Firstly, I'm a woman.

His gran, then? No, she's actually older than my gran.

Secondly, I don't look anything like him.

Yeah, you've got the same wispy moustache.

So, er, who are you, then?

She's my lover.

For real? You're doing it with her?

Yes, yes. Yes, yes.

We are at it all the time, actually. Oh.

I'll kiss her, if you like. I'm sorry?

Er... yeah. Yeah, all right, then.

All right, then. Erm...

Come here, you.

PAUL BABBLES

Hm.

See you at Shannon's wedding, then.

Whew. Well, that was close.

Do you wanna kiss again in case he looks back?

No, I do not.

It's actually popped my wire out a bit.

Afia Barakat. Yes.

You have a very well-placed locker. Yes.

It's neither too far from the vending machine,

nor too close to the toilet.

That is correct. Yes.

Your locker is not well placed. It is not.

Would you maybe think about, erm...

I will not change lockers. SHE SCOFFS

Jeez.

..going out with me?

Why did you do that?

Breathe in the calming flowers. HE INHALES BRIEFLY

Learn to use your energy safely in other ways.

This can help relieve your feelings of anger

in a way that doesn't hurt yourself or others.

Have you just googled that? Not in the slightest.

For example, you could try tearing up paper,

hitting a pillow or smashing ice cubes.

Did I say vases? Don't know, wasn't listening.

It may help to work off your anger through exercise.

Shall we try some physical activity together?

Hm, yeah! How about boxing? How about dancing?

SCOFFS I only know the Argentinian tango.

It's quite an angry dance. What's not to like?

Submissive women meekly following aggressive dominant males. Oi.

Are you dancing or what? I shall.

But only because it's my decision, and because it's part of my job.

TANGO MUSIC PLAYS

Mm.

CHATTER

Where's Sergeant Black? Don't know, should be here by now.

Dev, I think that's a chair. No, I think it might be a test.

Nah, it's PE stuff today.

No, like a test for initiative. Hm?

There's a bit on SAS: Rogue Heroes - which I was nearly in, by the way.

Oh, well done.

The new recruits have to assemble some scaffolding into a tower

whilst the SAS guy in charge is up a hill, shooting at them.

You don't think there's someone in here

getting ready to shoot at me with a huge gun?

They might, if we don't start using our initiative.

TANGO MUSIC PLAYS

PHONE RINGS, MUSIC STOPS

I'm so sorry. That was a rubbish idea!

No. No, it was working.

I-I was feeling less angry.

Yes, and I feel less clean.

CHATTER

All right, enough schoolgirl nattering.

DEV: We panicked.

I'm not even mad. That's genuinely impressive.

DAZ CHUCKLES Hang on, where's Dumbo?

Heads.

Everything all right, Bob?

Has...

Has the furniture changed?

Furniture doesn't change, Bob, it stays the same.

It's famous for it.

Yeah. Yes, of course. I must be imagining it.

Well, I once imagined you were good at your job,

so weird shit does happen.

Right! Restraint.

Buddy up, and let's see some restraining.

Those of you in the criminal role, let's have a bit of resisting, yeah?

CHATTER

Up she goes. Bam.

Danni, get off me.

DANNI MOANS BREATHILY

DANNI SQUEALS

DANNI EXHALES

Er, what was that noise?

What noise?

That sort of squeaking noise you made when you were cuffing him?

Nothing. It was something.

It was... It was... An orgasm.

Don't be ridiculous. Did someone just mention orgasm?

OK, I've got this. Stand back.

No-one mentioned anything.

Yeah, she just did an orgasm on me.

AFIA AND CONNOR: Eurgh! Gross.

OK, OK. We have a incident. Keep your distance, you lot.

Shall I go and get the incident book?

It was not an incident!

I mean why... why...? How...? I wouldn't ever have done that.

Well, you did, and to be honest, I can't blame you, cos look at that.

Yeah, but I didn't.

OK, right, I've not come across this in the restraining process before,

but it is best to be prepared

in case you get this kind of freak out on the streets. Freak?!

Paul, what did it sound like? The orgasm?

There was no orgasm. Like a brown-headed nuthatch.

And you'd know, would you?

Yeah, I would know, because I saw it on a wildlife programme.

It sounds a little bit like a squeaky toy.

So pretty unsexy, then.

Well, it can't have been me, then, because my orgasms,

they're cute and adorable.

Like a baby harp seal.

PAUL IMITATES SEAL

OK, OK, I think we've all had enough orgasms.

Those are words I never thought I'd hear.

Sir, you're not allowed to have a workplace orgasm

on a fellow trainee.

It was not an orgasm. I said enough!

If she doesn't admit it, you could get HR to investigate.

No! OK, fine.

I'm just a tiny bit sensitive at the minute.

CONNOR LAUGHS What you gonna do, arrest me?

Me and Jack, we're, erm, abstaining.

"Jack and I" are abstaining.

I didn't know you knew Jack. DAZ GROWLS

The climax of the common hippo.

Which is to say, when it sploshes everywhere.

HE EXHALES

Hm?

GASPS

HE STAMMERS

AFIA SIGHS

EXHALES

Afia Barakat.

I've prepared a factsheet about myself -

interests, strengths and, well, other strengths.

It's laminated. I thought maybe you could do one about yourself for me?

Are you coming on to me? I'm just dealing in the facts.

Are you coming on to me?

That would be a yes. Maybe we could go out?

SHE LAUGHS

LAUGHING: Oh...

Oh, you're being serious.

Yeah. I mean, the plan would be... Er...

Can I stop you there? It's a no from me.

But why? Because we have nothing in common.

I was prepared to overlook that.

Same satchel, though. Ugh. I'm getting a new one.

HE GASPS You can go now.

Jesus, Afia. I know, right?

What a nerd. Ugh.

WATER GURGLES

Sorry, Miss, have you seen Superintendent Spry?

Oh, God, sorry.

I'm on my break, so don't even think about raising an eyebrow.

Oh, you're getting a haircut. No.

Dentist? No. I'm doing vaginal hydrotherapy.

Ah, that's nice, yeah. And what is that?

I'm removing my ex-lover's imprint to make it ready

in case there's somebody else.

Red clover, raspberry, mugwort,

all simmering below to steam my vaginal tissues. Oh, right, yeah.

No, I thought so, actually.

You know, I once burnt my balls in a bidet,

so I had to dunk them in ice for ages.

Your inane prattling is blocking my moisture channels. Get out.

Can I not just watch for a bit?

No, fuck off, and close the door behind you.

There is no door. I meant your mouth.

WATER GURGLES

KNOCK AT DOOR Ah!

I hope this is important.

I've had to cancel my appointment for my back, sack and crack.

It is, Sir.

Sir, I wanted you to be the first to know...

No, the second, because I've spoken to Julie about...

No, actually, the third,

because I may have mentioned it to Melanie.

When is a desk not a desk? Just spit it out, Bob.

Well, Sir, I've not been feeling myself lately.

I've been feeling a little bit squiggly-wiggly in the head.

Good Lord, man. How long has this been going on?

Since mid-afternoon. Since today?

Yes, and I think, for the sake of the force,

I would totally understand if I was required to fall on my sword, Sir,

if you were to push me onto my sword.

We'll be very, very sad to see him go, won't we, Sir?

Good heavens, no.

That's a bit harsh. I mean no.

There's no question of you leaving

on account of a little bobbity-wobble.

What? Hard to believe,

even I feel a little bit higgledy-piggledy sometimes.

We embrace those who are struggling with the nigglies.

We offer a helping hand.

Do we? Yes.

Big old pot of dosh ring-fenced, I believe.

See you back at your desk tomorrow.

You're virtually un-sackable now, Bob!

Actually, Sir, I also have some funny turns sometimes.

A little bit wobbly-tobbly.

Oh, and, Spry, I do need you to give premises a call

about that penguin I keep seeing on the lawn.

It's... It's freaking me out. Yep, Sir, on it.

HE SQUEALS

Subtitles by accessibility@itv.com