Original subtitles

You know it's a locker and not a crime scene?

Lockers are full of germs. I might catch the lurgy.

And I don't wanna feel shit before the wedding.

Yeah, you want to save that for life after the wedding.

Oh, you're getting married, Danni? Shh! She's keeping it really quiet.

I think the fiance might be serving a life sentence somewhere.

He's in bathroom sales, actually.

Told you. Oh!

Exhibit A is the sliver of a wrapper of a textured condom.

Size - regular.

You've done your research. We can only surmise...

That he was neither too large nor too small.

The Goldilocks penis.

Do you want me to wipe yours?

That's an offer I can't refuse.

CUNNINGHAM: Ah, Melanie. Mm.

Can you send for Superintendents Weekes and Spry?

We need to have a quick pow-wow. Not sure you can say that now, Sir.

Oh, when can I say it? Never, Sir. We can't say it.

Well, who can say it? Indigenous Native American...

Indians, Sir. Hm.

Well, every day's a learning day.

What shall I do about these invoices, Sir?

Some of them are very red.

Oh, I'll file those.

There we go. Ah!

Bollocks. Just been voted bloody year rep.

What?! Congratulations!

You only got one vote, Afia.

And you're not supposed to vote for yourself.

Did you vote for yourself, Afia? Course not.

Well, Geeta won by an avalanche, so...

Avalanche? Is that the same as landslide?

Much, much colder, and it's also spelt differently.

I still don't understand.

Neither do I, I wasn't even on the ballot.

I may have crossed out Afi... a name and wrote Geeta instead.

Yeah, I did that. So did I.

I think a lot of people did that. Why pick me?

I think maybe because you're old.

Older, wiser. Like an owl.

To be fair, Geeta, you do give off that housing officer sort of vibe.

Ballot tampering is a very serious offence.

Afia, mate, look, you've got to let it go, OK?

You lost by 2,026 votes to 1.

Is that the date, Paul?

Yes.

That's not fair, you all cheated. I didn't.

I have to deal with turf wars at home,

and now I have to come in here and sort out all your teenage tantrums.

No, this can't be my life.

Look, it just comes down to old age, Geeta.

More age...

SOFTLY: More age.

Ah, Superintendent. Superintendent. Please sit.

This is not good, I'm afraid.

Our budget has been slashed.

Oh, my God, who would do that to a poor defenceless bird?

Budget, Bob. He hasn't got a budgie. Oh, I have.

But no-one's done anything to Beyonce. He's fine.

Oh, thank goodness for that.

No, I'm afraid my important business trip to the Bahamas

is costing more than expected.

Damned first-class flights.

Plus, the rising costs of office essentials and various sundries...

we need to economise.

I don't mind cutting back on certain types of biscuits.

I-I'm afraid it's not that simple.

No, nothing's as simple as Biscuit Bob.

The fact is, we're gonna need the roles currently held

by your good selves to... merge.

M-Merge? Merge?

Yes, two jobs, one desk, so to speak.

Like... Like sharesies?

Well... Is that fairsies?

I mean, do I wear her clothes? Does she wear my clothes?

We can't both fit into the same uniforms.

No, Bob, what he means, he's merging two jobs

into one job, meaning the one person will be...

Free do something else.

Which is otherwise known as...? Hmm?

It begins with R... Rrrrrr....

Roly-poly pudding. Redundant.

Ah! What?

Yes, Bob. He's making you redundant. He can't do that.

Sir, you can't redund me.

How I see it is that I could redund either of you.

You're kidding. Ah! Elevenses!

Ooh, roly-poly pudding. Mmm!

Thank you, Clarkson. CUNNINGHAM CHUCKLES

And, now, don't forget the custard.

I mean, why does this college even need you, Bob?

Where's your USP? I don't know.

I think it's on the side of the computer there somewhere.

Pack your bag, Bob. OK, right.

No, Sir, put it down.

Pick it up, Bob.

Put it down, Sir. Pick it up!

We don't need to pack our bag!

HIS bag. He doesn't need to pack his bag.

Obviously. HE. He, he! Something amusing, Melanie?

OK, one of us has got to go,

and let's be honest, it's got to be you.

No!

No, I propose that it... that is, in fact, YOU who must depart.

In all the years we have shared this office, Bob,

you've only ever seen sweet, magnanimous Julie.

Do not make me unleash my dark half.

I hope you're not gonna flash me your foo-foo?

If that's what it takes, Bob. If that's...

No, I'm not gonna do that.

Yes, well, two can play at that game.

Can they, though? Well, no.

But I did once show my bottom on a school trip, so...

Now, then, as embryonic police officer frogspawn,

such as yourselves,

and, indeed, if and when you become fully fledged... frogs,

you will be required to adhere to certain standards of behaviour.

There is a code.

Ooh, nice, is that like... one is for A, two is for B,

three is for something else?

No numbers. Or symbols?

You know, like, a cow means A, a dragon for B, a naked lady for C?

No numbers, no symbols.

So how do we break the code? You must never break the code.

How do we know what the standards of behaviour are?

I'm about to tell you that. Then why have a code?!

Because it's not the same sort of code!

So it's not really a secret? Of course it's not a secret.

I never said it was a secret.

Well, you did just say it was in code,

but, you know, I can pretend you didn't.

No, the code we adhere to is the Code of Ethics.

I was born in Essex... So was I!

Whereabouts are you from? Romford way.

Oh, I was... If you...

If you don't adhere to the Code of Essex... Ethics,

then y-you may be removed from the course.

How serious does misconduct have to be to be removed from the course?

Well, that's a very good question. Any examples?

Erm, kidnapping a hen? Er, w-was the hen in danger?

Er, yeah. Well, I think that would be acceptable.

And if the hen wasn't in danger, I was just a wee bit peckish?

Well, that's a very good question, and well done to you.

Geeta, erm...

Actually, do I still call you that?

Anyway, look, I've got a tissue issue.

It's not up to me to sort that.

Well, actually, it is because you're year rep, Miss.

Well, I don't want to be. Well, it is what it is.

Fine. I'll see what I can do. Please do.

Because I do not want this tracing paper toilet paper

anywhere near my corn-hole.

It chafes. Corn-hole?

Dung tunnel.

Tooter. Got you.

Smelly freckle. I said, "Got you."

I actually prefer my toilet paper to be double leaf and quilted. OK.

Are you not gonna write this down?

Smelly freckle, double quilted. Thank you.

I really don't wanna regret voting for you, OK?

I regret you voting for me.

Well, maybe you shouldn't have run for year rep, then. I didn't!

Oh, good, you're here. Geeta, can I have a word?

Is it some sort of a complaint?

I would like a chocolate fountain and a bubble machine

in the break-out room...

SHE GROANS Ow!

I love coffee.

Mmm!

So, stage one - anger management.

Are you angry at the moment? Yes.

Can you identify the trigger for your anger?

Yes, you.

Can we put Mr Angry Hand away, please?

Let's practise some techniques that you can use in training sessions

to help you feel less horrible.

You may find it helpful to count.

You sure this is for angriness and not for two-year-olds?

Come on, count. One, two,

three, four, five, six, seven, eight...

Nine. Yes, I was just gonna say nine!

All right, whenever Mr Angry Hand pops out like that,

I want you to focus on your surroundings,

using each of your five senses.

Try naming five things you can see.

Your mouth, your cardigan, your nose,

your flappy hands, your stupid hair.

Thank you. Four things you can touch.

My chin, my leg, my other leg.

My knob.

Three things you can hear.

Your voice, your voice.

And your voice. HIGH-PITCHED BABBLING

Two things you can smell. HE SNIFFS

Your deodorant, and whatever that was you had for lunch.

And one thing you can taste.

Sausage. And how do you feel now?

Really fucking...

..hungry. You see?

So you can be reasonable. Show me Mr Angry Hand.

HE GRUMBLES SOFTLY Show me Mr Calm.

HE BABBLES SOFTLY Good.

Well, that's progress of sorts.

Mm? As the fully-functioning human being of the two superintendents,

I thought I should keep you abreast of the Huggins situation, Sir.

Unexpected, but happy to be kept abreast.

Hit me!

Well, I've taken the liberty

of preparing something of a presentation.

Ah! Now, I just wanna be clear

that Superintendent Weekes is only here

in a flip-chart-carrying capacity.

He has made zero contribution to the Huggins matter.

If there's one thing I can do, Sir, it is flip a flip chart.

Then get flipping, Superintendent.

Student Officer Paul Huggins. Huggins...

Yeah, all right. Thank you, Bob, thank you.

Now, Huggins was exposed as being dropped into the college

by his family, a well-known OCG.

Making him a criminal informant within the police,

which is known internally as... a "prune in the nest".

I've never understood that. No, nobody does.

Anyway, I have deemed it more valuable to keep Huggins

within with college, making him, in effect...

..a double prune.

I see. Well, very interesting.

Good work, Weekes! Thank you, Sir.

Again, just to be clear, all Superintendent Weekes did

was bring the in the chart and flip the pages.

A very underrated skill, Spry.

We could all learn a lot from Weekes and his mastery of office equipment.

CHUCKLING: Very impressive. Thank you, Sir.

Is it? Oh, yes.

So, what next?

Well, er, a-as I said, we shall be using Huggins

as a double agent to inform on his own family.

Oh, goody! So what's the goss?

Well, there's no goss as yet, Sir, you know, early days.

No goss?!

Well, now you've gone out of your way to wet my whistle,

you need to hit me with the skinny. No, no, take your time.

Let's say by, er... lunchtime, shall we?

Sir, if I could just, erm, s-s-show you...

make a small contribution of my own. Yes.

It's, erm... There's, erm... HE CLEARS THROAT

And what's going on here?

You and I, Sir, are on a log flume. SHE SCOFFS

Oh, that's very good indeed! LAUGHS

A log flume, eh?

Oh. Er, Spry?

She's... "Blah, blah, blah." "Blah, blah, blah," yes.

No room on the flume. No room on the flume!

Yes, inspired!

GRUNTS

Oh, you all right, Aunty Nooch?

Family are getting curious, Paul. What family?

The Royal bloody Family (!) No.

Who do you think? Our family. Your family.

They want to know what you're doing here.

Trying to get a can of Fanta. Pull your finger out, mate.

I can't cos it's stuck.

No, we need some operational feedback.

Yeah, we're playing the long game to get you in the uniform,

but we need to know the score now!

Yeah, thing is, I'm not actually sure, like,

we're the "police" police.

I actually heard that this is just a training college.

The Old Bill all talk to each other,

whether they're teachers or they're Sweeney Todd.

He made them people pies, didn't he? Yeah.

Speaking of which...

Big-eyed John's pie's ready to go in the oven.

Tap up your friends, see if they've rumbled anything about it.

Do your bleeding job, Paulie. Ear to the ground, mate.

Forewarned is forearmed.

Thanks.

Hey!

Hm?

The coffee machine's been nicked! Who'd steal from here?

That takes some big balls, doesn't it?

So that rules out 50% of our suspects, then.

I'll report it, me. I'll do it! Should really be the year rep who...

MOCKINGLY: "Should really be the year rep, year rep!"

Oh! Someone call?

The coffee machine's gone, Geeta. Oh, that was me.

Is it because you're having a midwife crisis?

No, as your elected year rep, I decided to have it removed.

ALL: What?! What? What, what, what?!

Geeta's stolen the coffee machine. Oh.

PAUL GASPS

Caffeine causes insomnia, tachycardia

and has a tendency to make you chat shit.

ALL: No!

There'll be bottled water in due course.

Geeta... Ooh! Maybe some kombucha.

Yeah, it's got a bit of an old-man smell,

but very good for you.

Don't worry, thank me later.

I'm sorry, but is she trying to make me unvote for her?

I think you might be on to something there, Paul, mate.

I can't have a poo until I've had a coffee.

When you go undercover, what is the first thing you do?

Poke at her boob. Sorry?

When I'm "under cover" with a woman,

I would maybe poke at her boob first.

Left or right, I'm not fussy. Whatever's nearest, really.

No, not under THE covers - under cover.

First basic tactic to gather intel without being recognised.

What must you do? Grow a moustache?

Can you? No.

Right, no. You need a good cover story, Paul. OK.

Let's give it a go, all right? You be you.

I'm gonna be the drug dealer. Nice.

RASPY VOICE: All right. I ain't seen you around here before.

Who are you? Paul.

And what do you do? Can't tell you that.

Are you an undercover cop? Yes. Yes I am.

Bang, you're dead. What?! Where did I go wrong?

At birth. Let's just park that for now.

Look, I just need you to call your father,

your brother, your cousin, your great-aunt bloody Tinkerbell,

just get me something I can use by lunchtime.

What, today? Yes.

All right, I'll try, but my great-aunt Tinkerbell

lives in Australia, so it's gonna cost a little bit.

I could grow a moustache. No, you couldn't.

At least one like yours.

"You are my partner and my best friend.

"You are my one true love".

HE GASPS I knew it. I knew you liked me.

Not you. Oh.

These are my wedding vows. Oh, so it's still on?

Well, I wouldn't be writing my vows if it wasn't, would I?

Come on, how does it start? OK.

"I will love you, Jack. Hold you, honour you.

"I'll respect you, Jack. Cherish and fancy you.

"In health and sickness, for all the days of my life."

Mm-hm. Who's Jack?

My fiance.

Oh, right. Yeah, well, that makes a lot more sense.

Well, who did you think?

I was sort of picturing Jack Sparrow in Pirates Of The Caribbean.

Why would he be in my vows? I don't know. You wrote them.

Maybe you're just a really big Johnny Depp fan?

Even if I was, there's a time and a place, though, right?

Oh, yeah, totally. This is all about my Jack.

Yes, and like you could maybe save the Jack Sparrow chat

for, like, later at the reception?

Exactly. Exactly.

Do you mind if I make a few suggestions?

Because I do actually have some experience in these things.

What suggestions? All right.

How about...

"You're my this. I am your that.

"You are the ball, and I am the bat"?

"I am the bat"? Yes.

What's that supposed to mean?

It's a metaphor. It's like a poetic metaphor.

How am I a bat? Would you prefer to be the ball?

No. OK.

I don't want any vows that go on about hitting.

No, you're being too literal. They're a team.

They go together, d'you know?

Like... bread and butter.

Like strawberries and cream.

Yeah, like horse and carriage, like fish and chips.

You are my chips, and I am your fish... Jack.

Yes, that's lovely, write that down. Yeah.

Sometimes, on a raid,

we need to throw the rule book out the window, yeah?

What if there isn't a window?

Fuck's sake, there's not an actual window, you...

..funny silly sausage.

Hm!

Things can change in an instant.

Poof... just like that.

And things can go tits up.

How do we make sure that we're not gonna use Mr Angry Hand

more than we're gonna use Mr Calm Hand?

How do we keep our balance?

We could carry a really long pole? What, as a weapon?

It's what tight-rope walkers hold for balance.

Shut it!

If you would be so kind. DAZ GIGGLES

Now, operationally, we need to go in with a plan.

But we also have to be completely flexible.

Like a contortionist.

Is it all circus acts with you today? Yeah.

We need to out-wit whoever's in charge of the criminal gang.

The ringmaster. Ringleader.

We have to be able to think on our what?

On our own? DAZ CHUCKLES

Think on our...? Shoes?

Inside the shoes. Oh, think on our socks.

Inside the socks!

Toes? Feet. For fuck's sake, it's feet!

DAZ GIGGLES So!

Seeing as some of you have been rubbing my nipples up the wrong way,

you can all come back tomorrow and do it again properly.

No, hang on.

You can't punish us all as a group,

or I'm reporting you for sexually harassing us

by using the word "rubbing" and "nipples".

OK, fair dos. CLAPPING

That is why she is our year rep!

Oh, shit.

MIKE: Go on, Geeta! Whoo!

Sorry to bother you, Ma'am. Yes, hello.

I'm year rep. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, they made an excellent choice.

So, what do you want - a vending machine that works?

A sit-soft-safe area for the mentally weak?

What are your demands? I don't have any.

Good! I like your style. JULIE CHUCKLES

No wonder you were chosen.

I wanna be unchosen, Ma'am. Hm...

Can one be unchosen?

I'm fed up serving people. Well, you're in the wrong job.

Sort of what policing is. Apparently.

No, the police bit's all right.

I don't wanna to be class nanny

having to organise nap time and an end-of-term disco.

Is that what they want? I don't know. I don't know!

This is just from today. It's gone to their heads.

They want nap time and an end-of-term disco.

See, there you go.

Well, in my experience, if you don't wanna do something,

just delegate it to some fucker who desperately does.

And in the meantime, why don't you tell them that I just said no...

to everything.

Which I would have done anyway because I love saying no.

Does that help?

Yeah. Yes! Thank you. JULIE CHUCKLES

Lunchtime. Thank you for your help, Ma'am.

Well? Have you got anything?

I've got some noodles and some crisps.

Information. Oh...

Erm, no. I've had my nose on the ground all day.

I-I'll let you know if I hear anything.

Better do.

So, have you got anything?

I've got some noodles and some crisps.

No, have you got anything? Really strong "day jar view".

Intel? Oh! Yeah.

No. I've had my ear in the grindstone all day.

Actually, you know what, I did pick up something

about a pie in the oven... A pie?

No. Not pie. No, I didn't say that.

Yeah, you said about a pie in the oven?

Shhhhh! Don't you shush me!

Shhhhepherd's pie.

Yay! What the fuck are you talking about?

Can we go and we have our little chat somewhere else?

No, I'm not gonna miss out on shepherd's pie.

It's my second favourite. HE GROANS

Oh, no! Oh, yeah, no, I'm fainting.

Yeah, now I've fainted!

HE GROANS I'm so weak.

Oh, God. What... What an annoying faint.

That is so...

Jesus.

Ever think about retiring, Bob?

Retiring? Noooo!

I'm popo for life, Julie, as you know.

Five-oh until I die.

You've got to stop watching those streaming shows.

Yes, they're gonna have to carry me out of here in a wooden box.

We can but dream.

Wouldn't be the end of the world, though, would it? Hm?

An experienced chap like you, clean-cut, handsome,

I mean, stepping down with a decent pension,

you would clean up on the cruise circuit.

I'm not a homosexual, Julie. Cruise ships, Bob.

Oh, I see, I see.

No, I'm not a fan of nautical living.

I-I-It's the jellyfish.

I just can't stand their stinging whips.

Ah! Did somebody mention whips?

Put my name down for that. CUNNINGHAM CHUCKLES

So, Julie, what news from Huggins?

Ah, yeah. Well, it's, erm...

Wouldn't want you to look like a luxury we can't afford, hm?

Just like those fancy defibrillators.

Getting rid of them.

HE CHUCKLES Well, Julie?

Huggins came good, Sir. Mm-hm.

He has got wind of a significant pie... job

that is in the planning.

Oh, crikey, did he? Yes, yes, yes.

Most likely a very big heist, er...

Maybe hooky handbags. Oh.

But more than likely class A. Ah!

Possibly diamonds. Oh!

Maybe even gold. Excellent! Ho-ho-ho!

Well done, Superintendent.

Just what we needed. Hm! Keep me posted.

A celebration is in order.

Hog roast for all and barrels of apple sauce!

HE CHUCKLES

Well, hats off to you, Julie Spry.

Let's hope he has forgotten about all that by tomorrow.

JULIE LAUGHS

Well, let's hope that he does.

Oh... bugger!

Ah, Afia. Congratulations!

I'm appointing you deputy year rep. Is that a thing?

Yeah! You haven't just made that up?

No. Would I do that?

Can I be vice year rep?

Yeah, course, whatever you want. Bit more edge to it.

And if you died, would I automatically become year rep?

What? Just looking at the small print.

If you were killed, would I take over?

Er... I want to say yes.

I'm slightly scared I'd be creating an incredibly strong motive.

All right, Dev, mate?

Yeah.

Nah.

I'm just not acing anything at the minute, you know?

Crap marks every week. Ah, mate, I get it.

I just feel a bit bleurgh.

Bleurgh's shit! Mm.

Do you know what I do when I get a bad case of the bleurghs? What?

I think back to my catwalk modelling days.

What, you were a catwalk model? Yeah.

I was trained by Bella Hadid for six months. Wow!

When you model, you have to stand there

with your head up your shoulders back,

and you have to just strut the fuck out of it

no matter what shit's going on in your life.

Do you know what I wanna do with you right now, mate?

What?

I'd quite like to strut with you.

You wanna strut with...? Yeah.

I'll strut with you!

Head up. DEV CLEARS THROAT

Shoulders back.

Hips, lips...

tits, let's strut!

FUNKY MUSIC

And shimmy and shimmy.

And turn and turn.

Yes!

Ah, thanks, Connor.

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