Original subtitles

PANTING: They're coming! Which... Which way?

RADIO: 'Huggins. Huggins.' Oh, my God, it's all kicking off.

I'm going to the roof. He's going to the roof.

MUFFLED: Why is he going to the roof?

Oh, God! PANTS

I'm gonna need a helicopter. Over.

Righto, coming up. Do we have a helicopter?

'No, of course we don't have a helicopter.'

Oh, my God, it's so high.

GUNSHOTS Oh, God! They're shooting at me!

There's no more roof!

We're not in any danger down here, though, are we, Huggins? Over.

Er, no. No, no, you're fine.

Oh...

Julie?

No signal.

Hello?

Must be a dead spot...

Oh, shit!

I love Mondays. Can't wait to get the uniform back on.

Woo-hoo (!)

Haven't you missed the feel of a professional crime-fighting fabric

against your skin, Geeta?

No, cos I wore mine all weekend.

Wore it to put the bins out. Wore it to do the big shop.

Wore it to take the kids swimming.

But that's illegal. Did you actually?

No, cos I'm not weird.

GRUNTING

Incoming! Chief Super Cunningham, 11 o'clock.

Morning, morning, morning. Eleven, twelve...

Ah, Bob, Julie. Oh.

Just a heads up -

you may have to do without me for a week at the end of the month.

Bloody Commonwealth Policing Conference.

Oh, damn these conferences.

In the Bahamas.

The Bahamas? The Bahamas in... in the sea?

Yes. Such a pain, but someone's got to go.

I-I'll go!

Ah, someone of Chief Superintendent rank and above.

That's higher than Superintendent, isn't it? Just... Yeah, yeah.

Just checking. Although, I am allowed a plus-one.

And given Mrs Cunningham's current form...

Is she a horse? In Turkey. She's getting her tits done.

..I am on the lookout for a travelling companion.

Well, I've got several pairs of Speedo trunks.

And I speak a smattering of... English?

Yes. ..Baha... maramama.

I'll think about it. Do you even own a passport, Bob?

Yes! Last used when I went to see Michael Bilbao in Buble, thank you.

Hm, I can see advantages either way. Bob has Speedo briefs.

I can get Speedo briefs. Noted.

Give me - let me think - the rest of the day.

HE CHUCKLES

Oh! Group B. Ready or not, here I come.

I shall take that.

After all, it is my specialist subject,

and luckily, I have just had my scuba licence renewed, FYI.

It's not always some battle to impress Cunningham.

Oh...

No, no. It is that, isn't it? Yeah, yeah.

Anyway, I hereby delegate you to be off in that direction now!

Thank you!

I mean, I transferred here to be near my fiance, Jack.

He didn't want me to join the police, actually.

He wanted me to be a florist, which I totally understand

because, I mean, who doesn't like flowers?

But every day, flowers, flowers, flowers.

Boring, and you can't arrest anyone with a flower can you?

Plus, you get a stab vest, which you don't in retail.

Like, as a rule. Anyway, so nice to meet you.

Was she talking to you? I thought she was talking to you.

I think she was talking when we came in. Good morning.

I'm locked, cocked and ready to... What are we actually doing today?

Swinging our dicks around by the looks of it.

Oh, hey! You all right, Paul?

Have you had a perm? What?

Oh, yeah. My cousin Tilly is at hair school.

She said it will drop a little bit...

Let's hope so. You look like a cockapoo.

Aw, thank you.

So, for speed, "missing persons"

is commonly abbreviated in police usage to "misper".

Doesn't seem like it would save that much time, to be honest.

Two syllables in the police service can be the difference

between life and being done before Greggs closes.

Ah! Our very own missing persons.

Two new recruits that have transferred to Norbourne.

God knows why. Er, you, introduce yourself.

Oh, she's standing.

Student Officer Danni May Joyner, soon to be Starky, nee Joyner.

I originally manifested to join the police... Thank you, sit down.

I haven't finished introducing myself. Yeah, you have.

What I was gonna say was the reason why I wanted... I'm not interested.

The others might be. No, they're not.

I am! Oh! And I also wanted to say that I...

Sit down! ..am a Capricorn,

half vegetarian, shopaholic and engaged to Jack.

You.

Do you want me to stand? Preferably not.

Connor. Thank you!

Cold, hard facts.

Half vegetarian - is that like being half teetotal?

Sorry, are you talking to me? No.

Ah, yes. Hanzel?

So if I'm out of the room

and I know where I am, but you don't, am I missing?

Well, that would depend on if anybody cared.

Obviously, I don't.

Can I report myself missing?

I'm literally begging for you to consider it.

Are these lessons usually so, like...? Like, philosophical?

I can think of my own words!

Yeah, OK. Philosophical.

So, Barakat.

What if someone called Miss Per went missing?

Well, then, we just simply wouldn't look for her.

Really? No, not really.

Are we all gonna play silly bastards, or can I continue?

Whoa! Whoa!

Speaking of bastards.

HUSHED: Mel... Melanie. Shh, shh.

Just got a question.

If you wanted to make someone really like you... Yes?

..how do you think you might go about that?

Gosh. Maybe someone likes you already.

Do you think I'm in with a chance?

I don't want to be pushy. No, not at all.

I think it's high time you made an approach.

If only I knew what an approach involved.

Thoughtful gift? Yes, yes.

What kind of thoughtful gift would show me in a good light?

Well, I've always been partial

to those chocolatey eggs with the toys inside

or a silver charm in the shape of a mermaid.

A burgundy lace bra.

I don't think Chief Superintendent Cunningham wears ladies' things.

Oh, right. No.

Well, then, off the top of my head,

single malt, Cuban cigars, monogrammed fucking velvet slippers.

Yes, yes, fetch them - slippers. What size is he?

Six foot one. Shoe!

All right, I will... No, you need to find out his shoe size!

Yes, yes, velvety slippers! N-Nippers.

Nipples. Not nipples.

It's nippy, that's all it is.

It's just nothing to... Get inside.

COUGHING

Sergeant Black.

DAZ: Ma'am. Are you hiding?

No. The complete opposite. The opposite of hiding?

Yeah. Not hiding.

Right now, you'd normally be bullying B Group

in the gym, wouldn't you? Yes, ma'am.

I mean, no, ma'am, not bullying.

Hang on a minute, you are Sergeant Darren Black, are you not?

Yes, ma'am, that's me. Sergeant "Anti-violence" Black.

You do know "anti" means against, not "very much turned on by", right?

I'm not an idiot. We haven't really got time to go into that right now.

But the fact remains, you were seen to punch a trainee.

Who was? You was.

And as someone so dedicated to non-violence,

you'll be delighted to hear that you've been assigned to complete

an anger-management course or you are out on your hairy arse.

Oh, you fucking... beauty.

HE LAUGHS Love them courses.

They're my favourite.

But that's not fair!

When is anyone gonna understand me?

Ooh, I don't know,

maybe when your face stops looking like a bum.

I hate you!

All right, how you doing?

I'm just here to officially check in,

I'm the new transfer student. Hand.

Ow.

Don't wash it off, or I'll have to use the micro-chipper.

That's lovely Melanie. She's, erm...

Where have you joined us from?

I'm from, the, erm...

Oh, the Falkland Islands, sir.

That's miles away! Is it? Are they?

Stanley. Bob.

No, I'm actually from Stanley. It's the capital.

I thought I detected a slight accent.

Oh, aye, sir, still got a touch of the local Stanley lilt.

You're very perceptive, sir.

Well, thank you very much. Is there a lot of crime out there?

Yes, but it's mostly penguin based.

We've got a massive penguin problem, sir.

A massive penguin? They start with a bit of anti-social behaviour -

public urination, that sort of thing.

Then they break into the people's homes looking for fish.

BOB EXHALES SHARPLY Then they end up in organised crime.

BOB CLICKS TONGUE

Sorry, it's bringing back really bad memories for me.

If you'll excuse me?

Yes, of course. You must do what you need to do.

Look out for the massive penguin! I will. I really will, sir.

Ah, there you are! Been looking everywhere for you.

Can I just stop you there?

I'm engaged. Sorry?

I'm engaged. So?

Well, I was just letting you know

before you start making a fool out of yourself.

With the flirting and whatnot. Right, OK.

It's just, I'm actually not the one making a fool out of myself here.

Really? Cos it looked like you was about to flirt...

Like, try and to flirt and whatnot? Yeah, no.

Just trying to give you this back. Oh!

You left it in the class. Thanks.

You're all right.

Hi. My mum and dad were engaged at 17.

They met when they was only 11 years old.

They got married at 19 and had their first baby at 20.

OK. I was baby number four.

They had four girls, I was the last.

I'm sorry to have asked you about that.

Just tell me not to be so nosy next time.

They thought I was gonna be a boy, but I wasn't a boy,

and then my sisters, they're all married, and I'm next.

I've got a job for you. I've got a job.

Have you? I'm head of HR.

Shit, are you? Yes.

Oh, my God, I always thought you were glorified work experience,

pretending to be Bob's PA. No, I'm head of HR.

OK, let's just say for a moment that you are -

we need to appoint an anger management counsellor.

Well, I'll advertise, but I'm not sure the budget will stretch.

Exactly, so we need to appoint you. But I'm head of HR!

Are you, though? Yes!

Well, it's Sergeant Darren Black's last chance,

so read up on counselling or hit him on the snout

with a rolled up newspaper - I don't care.

But I do admin.

Well, then, admin the fuck out of Daz

and make sure he doesn't punch, kick or bite anyone.

I run this place. I can't follow that twat around all day.

I'll give you an extra job title on top of head of HR.

What job title? Cock wrangler?

Done. Pleasure doing business with you.

I don't mind what gender I have, it's more about the person.

She can talk without breathing. Do you think it's safe to go in?

Yeah, I think we can slip in when she comes up for air.

My dad said I'm his last hope of having a boy.

Sometimes, my dad runs away, but my mum always finds him.

I was found at the top of the Eiffel Tower.

What, in Blackpool?

The one in Paris. When?

When I was born.

I told you he had a French accent. So why are you not French, then?

Well, this very lovely couple from Ballycastle found me there...

abandoned.

I had nothing but a croissant to keep me warm.

That's why I can't look at a French pastry without getting PTSD.

What, so they just stole you?

I don't really wanna talk about it. It doesn't matter.

It does matter - that's a crime.

You can't take a baby that's not yours.

They stole your life. You could be a gendarme now.

I know! That's a French policeman.

You need to get a DNA test done,

or, at the very least, report your parents to Interpol.

Your actual mum might be looking for you.

You might be an actual whisper. Misper.

Who would steal a baby? I'd rather have a croissant.

The college that you transferred from, was it far from here?

A quarter of a million miles. So you were training on the moon?

Ha! Don't be stupid. They're really short of recruits up there.

So who's stupid now, Dev?

Measuring your penis again, Bob? Might be.

Where are you going? Nowhere.

You're going to see Cunningham, aren't you? No.

Yeah, being a little suck-up, as per.

Well, two can play at that game.

Two can play at any game. Solitaire.

Er, no running in the corridor!

Is what I'd say if I didn't value dynamism

and a go-getting attitude in general.

THEY LAUGH

Speaking of which, is there anything I can go and get you, sir?

Ooh. Cup of tea, maybe?

I do like tea.

Or a coffee. A big white flat coffee.

With a biscuit. A great big biscuit, sir.

Mmm, a flat white flat with a great big biscuit.

Mmm. Worth consideration.

Yeah, I shouldn't say this, sir, but the canteen are holding back

some of those sausage rolls that you like.

Mmm!

I've been known to snaffle a porky product.

I'll go and get you one. I'll get you a handful.

A handful's too many. Damn it!

OK, so, sausage roll, flat white coffee

and a great big biscuit?

A motorbike. Hm?

I know where there is one. Do you?

Er... hang gliding holiday. Won it, don't want it. No, no, no.

I think I'm more of a luxury goods and a sweet treats man, today.

But these are all great offers. Lot to think about.

Lot to ponder. Can I...?

Let me ponder.

Piece of fudge, sir? Ooh, fudge! That's what I wanted.

CUNNINGHAM LAUGHS Great work, Sergeant.

Piece of fudge?

I will. Thank you very much.

OK, so, this fag packet is you, OK?

This lighter is me.

Now, the fag packet is an informer,

or, as we say in the force, a prune.

Why am I a fag packet if I'm really a prune?

Well, cos I didn't have a prune in my bag.

They've got some in the canteen. I couldn't be arsed, OK?

Now, your family here

are represented by these hormone replacement pills...

Yeah, that's fair. Wait do my family know I'm a prune?

Well, they're the ones that planted you in here, Paul.

So, yeah, for clarity, they do.

But what they don't know is that you are now working for us

as a double prune, and I wanna keep it that way. Yeah, same.

So the wider criminal community are represented by these dog biscuits.

Oh, what, have you got a dog? No, I just like them.

Now, if this lot find out that you are a double prune,

they're gonna throw you onto the compost heap.

Or in this case, a packet of panty liners. No!

Yes, but we're not gonna let that happen, are we, Huggins?

I wanna just do whatever makes

the smallest number of people angry with me. Exactly.

So you and I are gonna be doing some training together.

We're gonna be learning some new specialist skills

on how to avoid detection and how to gather intel.

Paul Huggins, it is gonna be you and me against the powers of evil!

Oh, my God, why?

Yes, it is exciting, isn't it?

Have you done something to your...? Yeah, my cousin Tilly, she's a...

Don't care. Big mistake.

Wait, did I just eat my Dad?

Yes?

What? What is it?

You what?

Me what? What do you want?

What do I want?

I dunno, love. You approached my cubby hole.

I never. Yes, you did.

I never touched it.

My area, my space, my special private sacred zone.

You've walked up to it.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

I did. So?

I have to arrange thingummies. Flowers?

Nah, with the you-know-who. The anger manager.

That'll be me. Fuck off!

Not sure you should talk to your counsellor like that, Sergeant.

HE LAUGHS OK.

All right, then. So when do we... You know, when do we do it?

Is that a booking inquiry or harassment?

It's a different file, you see. That's all.

Booking! Lovely.

Sign this, sign this and this. Can you write?

Can those sausage fingers hold a pen?

And I'll see you in Classroom C at every day at 1:30.

That's during lunch, you little freak!

Let's not raise our voice, and let's not call people freaks.

Shall we call that homework? HE GROWLS

MOCKINGLY: Can you write? Can you hold a pen?

Can you write? Can you hold a pen?

Now, then, who knows what we mean by the golden hour?

PAUL: Oh, sir! Yes, Huggins?

It's when you go to the toilet onto somebody because of sex.

That's a golden shower, Paul. Oh.

No, the golden hour is all about striking while the ironing's hot.

When someone goes missing, the crucialest time

is the first 48 hours, which is what we call the golden hour.

So there are 48 hours in a golden hour?

No, it's one... one hour. You said 48 hours.

No, it's one hour divided into 48.

You're playing with the very fabric of time, sir.

It's gonna end very badly.

Yes, yes. No. That... What an excellent point.

And that is why henceforth, I shall refer to it as a golden period.

Now, then, ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to introduce you

to one of the most important officers

in the missing persons case.

Meet PC Ticking Timekeeper.

Ah-ha. OK?

Now, one of you is gonna go missing,

and the rest of the group will have one hour to track them down.

I don't mind going missing...

for about the time it takes to smoke a cigarette.

No, not you. Hug... Huggins. PAUL: Me?

You look like a waif and a stray. Oh.

Gonna give you a head start, OK? Off you go and mislay yourself.

And, er... There you go. Go on, quick. Quick as you can

That's it. Chopsticks, chop, chop.

Now, I'm gonna count you in using PC Ticking Timekeeper,

so if you just hold your horses...

On your marks, get set...

They've gone. They've gone.

So, erm, Mr...

..Mr Swift, are you not gonna join in with the exercise?

Ach, nah. There's no need, sir.

I'm going through the standard procedures in my head. In your head?

I'm just visiting the mispers last known location,

which was about there.

That's very impressive.

You show a great deal of potential, young man. Thank you.

Is there any policing in your family at all?

No. I was actually abandoned as a newborn baby.

Oh, goodness me.

But this bobby on the beat found me,

put me in his helmet and carried me to safety.

He would not sign off from his shift

until the authorities arrived and I was safely in their care.

I owe my life to that bobby on the beat, sir.

It's how I got my middle name.

Bobby? Helmet.

Helmet. That's, erm...

Well, it's just... it's a privilege to have you on board,

Mr Hel... Helm... No. Got him, sir.

I spotted him first, and I've cuffed him and read him his rights.

He's a stray, Afia, not a criminal.

He was just lurking by the vending machine, to be fair.

I was just trying to get some Hula Hoops, and then this happened.

Well done, everyone. That was very... very brisk.

We now have 59 minutes left,

so why don't we have another go, yes?

All of you shut your eyes

and see if you can work out who's gone missing this time.

They weren't cheap. Well, we must woo him with extravagances.

They're monogrammed.

Eh... Very good. HE STAMMERS

This is not his initials. No, but it's nearly his name.

He's got a very long name, and they ran out of slipper.

Cunn. Cunn. Cunn. Cunn!

Cunn. Do you think he'll notice? No, no.

He'll appreciate the personal touch.

That's good. Thank you, Melanie. Mm-hm!

Here we go.

There you go. You see, Bob?

You're always one step - or should I say "slipper"? -

behind, aren't you?

I am on that flight, guaranteed.

Oh, Bob, Julie. Good of you to pop in.

Oh. I'm enjoying these boots.

CUNNINGHAM CHUCKLES You're welcome, sir.

Excuse me for a moment. CLEARS THROAT

BELL BUZZES

Ah! Thank you, Clarkson.

Ooh, soup. CUNNINGHAM CHUCKLES

I expect you want to know who I've chosen for the holid... work trip.

I think we already know the answer to that one, sir.

Yes. Accompanying the Chief Super is a very much a man's role.

Ah! Roll! BELL BUZZES

Ah! Ho-ho-ho! Marvellous.

And I have to say that I think Bob's right.

Oh, you are kidding me!

So I've decided to take Sergeant Clarkson here.

I need the services of a gentleman's gentleman.

What?!

That was all. You may go.

Mmm! CUNNINGHAM CHUCKLES

Oh. BELL BUZZES

No, no, no, no! No. No. I wanted a spoon.

A spoon, Clarkson! Ah, ah, ah!

Leave the soup.

Marvellous. Mmm. Two soups!

Waste of time ordering those Speedo briefs.

I could probably use them, depending on the size of the gusset.

Maybe I will give them to Cunningham.

Once I've shat in them.

It's pointless Melanie getting all this stuff, really.

Does she know that you call her "pointless Melanie"?

I was really looking forward to a snorkel

and a good close-up look at the...

Women's bottoms? No, the fish.

Fishes. F-Fish, fish.

Did she get you any water wings and a bucket and spade as well?

I'm not a child, Julie.

No, you are an elderly gentleman, which is why she's got you

this anti-wrinkle factor-50 sun cream.

Oh. Mm.

Good night, Bob.

Hey, Connor. Yeah.

I heard you transferred from the Folklands? Wha...?

Oh, yeah. Yes, that's right. The Falklands.

The actual Falklands? Yes.

Where's that, up north? Depends what way you're looking.

Course, yeah. I swam most of the way.

Man, you must be so tired!

No, it's grand. My grandfather's a mermaid, so...

Man, that guy has lived! But where? Up north?

Bound to be. Either that or south. Hmm, yeah.

Hmm. Well, see you soon, mate.

See you in a bit.

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