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1
00:00:04,178 --> 00:00:05,831
Signal reestablished.
2
00:00:05,875 --> 00:00:07,659
Satellites just coming
back online, General.
3
00:00:07,703 --> 00:00:09,009
Okay, people, we
need answers,
4
00:00:09,052 --> 00:00:10,488
and we need them yesterday.
5
00:00:10,532 --> 00:00:13,404
Do we have any idea who
these kidnappers are, major?
6
00:00:13,448 --> 00:00:14,797
No, sir.
They scrambled our comms
7
00:00:14,840 --> 00:00:15,841
before we could get a real ID.
8
00:00:15,885 --> 00:00:17,321
What about a location?
9
00:00:17,365 --> 00:00:18,801
We dispatched two
recon drones
10
00:00:18,844 --> 00:00:20,237
to try and track them down,
but nothing so far.
11
00:00:20,281 --> 00:00:21,891
So we don't know
who they are,
12
00:00:21,934 --> 00:00:23,066
where they are,
13
00:00:23,110 --> 00:00:26,069
or what they're planning
to do next?
14
00:00:26,113 --> 00:00:27,984
No, sir.
15
00:00:28,028 --> 00:00:32,075
Jesus.
16
00:00:32,119 --> 00:00:33,381
What about MacGruber?
17
00:00:35,470 --> 00:00:38,386
I'm sorry, sir.
We have to assume the worst.
18
00:00:39,735 --> 00:00:41,215
Sir.
19
00:00:42,216 --> 00:00:45,045
Barrett.
20
00:00:46,133 --> 00:00:47,786
Honey,
now is not a good time.
21
00:00:47,830 --> 00:00:49,353
MacGruber's in trouble.
I can sense it.
22
00:00:49,397 --> 00:00:50,528
I--I know I can help.
23
00:00:50,572 --> 00:00:52,226
There's nothing
you can do for him.
24
00:00:52,269 --> 00:00:54,358
Come on, Barrett. I-I-I know
him better than anyone, please.
25
00:00:54,402 --> 00:00:56,404
He was my mentor,
my first husband.
26
00:00:56,447 --> 00:00:58,493
- Victoria.
- I know how he thinks.
27
00:00:58,536 --> 00:01:00,364
I know how he moves.
Victoria.
28
00:01:00,408 --> 00:01:01,887
He took both my virginities,
for God sakes.
29
00:01:01,931 --> 00:01:03,933
Victoria!
30
00:01:03,976 --> 00:01:05,717
He's dead.
31
00:01:07,415 --> 00:01:11,549
- What?
- MacGruber is dead.
32
00:01:11,593 --> 00:01:12,985
I'm sorry.
33
00:01:13,029 --> 00:01:14,683
- Sir.
- Not now, major.
34
00:01:14,726 --> 00:01:18,643
Sir, the president
is on the line.
35
00:01:18,687 --> 00:01:20,080
Victoria,
I have to take this.
36
00:01:20,123 --> 00:01:23,170
Please, go home.
Don't worry.
37
00:01:23,213 --> 00:01:24,562
Look, I'm gonna find
whoever did this,
38
00:01:24,606 --> 00:01:26,129
and I'm gonna make them pay.
I promise.
39
00:02:10,086 --> 00:02:14,264
♪ MacGruber
40
00:02:18,573 --> 00:02:21,141
♪ Happy birthday
41
00:02:21,184 --> 00:02:25,623
- ♪ Happy birthday to you
- ♪ To you
42
00:02:25,667 --> 00:02:31,890
- Open.
- ♪ Happy birthday to you
43
00:02:31,934 --> 00:02:34,154
Queeth.
44
00:02:34,197 --> 00:02:35,677
Mommy!
45
00:02:39,333 --> 00:02:40,682
MacGruber?
46
00:02:40,725 --> 00:02:42,988
Mommy!
47
00:02:53,738 --> 00:02:55,697
Hello.
48
00:02:55,740 --> 00:02:58,439
Hello.
49
00:02:58,482 --> 00:03:01,093
I know you're out there,
Queeth.
50
00:03:01,137 --> 00:03:04,401
Where are you,
you sack of shit?
51
00:03:04,445 --> 00:03:06,838
Well, look who's up.
52
00:03:12,844 --> 00:03:15,020
Hello, MacGruber.
53
00:03:15,064 --> 00:03:16,326
Have a bad dream?
54
00:03:16,370 --> 00:03:18,894
No,
I had a fucking great dream.
55
00:03:18,937 --> 00:03:21,288
Fucked your mom
and dad unprotected,
56
00:03:21,331 --> 00:03:23,507
came in both of them
a bunch of times.
57
00:03:23,551 --> 00:03:25,248
That sounds pretty wild.
58
00:03:25,292 --> 00:03:27,381
Oh, it was.
And it was so much better
59
00:03:27,424 --> 00:03:29,339
than the nightmare
you're about to have.
60
00:03:29,383 --> 00:03:31,733
- Tell me about it.
- Oh, gladly.
61
00:03:31,776 --> 00:03:34,083
It'll be a simple
two-step process
62
00:03:34,126 --> 00:03:37,521
in which I get loose
and then do to you exactly
63
00:03:37,565 --> 00:03:40,655
what I did to your folks,
mephorically, of course.
64
00:03:40,698 --> 00:03:42,178
'Cause I wouldn't let my dick
65
00:03:42,222 --> 00:03:46,356
get within 100 calendar feet
of your dirty butthole
66
00:03:46,400 --> 00:03:47,923
So we're calling that
a dick now?
67
00:03:47,966 --> 00:03:49,838
Oh, fuck you, Queeth.
68
00:03:49,881 --> 00:03:52,362
You'll pay for what you did
to my family.
69
00:03:52,406 --> 00:03:54,799
Oh, I have no idea
what you're talking about.
70
00:03:54,843 --> 00:03:56,018
Oh, but you do.
71
00:03:56,061 --> 00:03:57,585
As soon as I get out of here,
72
00:03:57,628 --> 00:03:59,891
I'm gonna skin you
from stem to stern
73
00:03:59,935 --> 00:04:03,895
and leave your bloody carcass
to rot in the noonday sun.
74
00:04:03,939 --> 00:04:05,723
And that's a promise.
75
00:04:05,767 --> 00:04:08,378
You got me quaking
in my boots.
76
00:04:08,422 --> 00:04:10,424
Oh, where are my manners?
77
00:04:10,467 --> 00:04:12,252
You got some old friends here
78
00:04:12,295 --> 00:04:13,905
who just can't wait
to say hello.
79
00:04:16,125 --> 00:04:18,562
Master Sergeant Lon Vincente,
80
00:04:18,606 --> 00:04:21,913
killed in action May 1, 1998.
81
00:04:21,957 --> 00:04:23,567
No.
82
00:04:23,611 --> 00:04:28,224
Sergeant Major Presley Dean,
killed in action May 1, 1998.
83
00:04:29,791 --> 00:04:36,014
Commander Baker Jaxx,
killed in action May 1, 1998.
84
00:04:36,058 --> 00:04:41,106
Lieutenant Chance Tucker,
killed in action May 1, 1998.
85
00:04:41,150 --> 00:04:42,586
Been too long.
86
00:04:42,630 --> 00:04:47,809
Captain Bex Dawson,
killed in action May 1, 1998.
87
00:04:47,852 --> 00:04:51,639
I suspect you're detecting
a bit of a theme here.
88
00:04:51,682 --> 00:04:54,990
Yeah, you guys are all still
super ugly as shit.
89
00:04:56,383 --> 00:05:00,038
You know, it feels
just like yesterday
90
00:05:00,082 --> 00:05:02,345
that you left us all for dead
91
00:05:02,389 --> 00:05:05,217
bleeding to death
in the burning-hot savannas
92
00:05:05,261 --> 00:05:07,002
of Burkina Faso.
93
00:05:07,959 --> 00:05:10,614
But it wasn't yesterday,
was it?
94
00:05:10,658 --> 00:05:14,314
No, it was 20 years ago,
95
00:05:14,357 --> 00:05:17,926
20 years of near
constant torture
96
00:05:17,969 --> 00:05:20,972
in a secret prison camp
behind enemy lines.
97
00:05:21,016 --> 00:05:23,932
I guess that's what happens
to traitors.
98
00:05:23,975 --> 00:05:25,673
Traitors?
99
00:05:26,674 --> 00:05:28,937
We were American soldiers
100
00:05:28,980 --> 00:05:31,983
putting our asses on the line
for our country.
101
00:05:32,027 --> 00:05:34,029
All we wanted
was our fair share.
102
00:05:34,072 --> 00:05:35,335
Am I right?
103
00:05:35,378 --> 00:05:36,379
Yes, sir.
104
00:05:36,423 --> 00:05:38,033
But you wouldn't
let that happen.
105
00:05:38,076 --> 00:05:40,992
Oh, well, ex-squeeze me if
I had a little problem with you
106
00:05:41,036 --> 00:05:44,256
selling a chemical weapon
to the Russian government.
107
00:05:44,300 --> 00:05:49,349
We were never going to use
Brimstone, you fucking dolt.
108
00:05:49,392 --> 00:05:51,046
No one was ever gonna die.
109
00:05:51,089 --> 00:05:55,355
But all that time we spent
rotting away in that prison,
110
00:05:55,398 --> 00:05:57,182
we perfected the plan.
111
00:05:57,226 --> 00:06:00,229
And now people will die.
112
00:06:00,272 --> 00:06:03,058
Looks to me like
you're forgetting one teeny,
113
00:06:03,101 --> 00:06:06,235
tiny, little,
incredibly huge thing.
114
00:06:06,278 --> 00:06:07,845
Yeah? What is that?
115
00:06:07,889 --> 00:06:10,108
There's only one person
in the world
116
00:06:10,152 --> 00:06:11,980
who knows where Brimstone is.
117
00:06:12,023 --> 00:06:15,113
And his name rhymes
with fuck you-ber.
118
00:06:15,157 --> 00:06:17,202
And that man or woman--
119
00:06:17,246 --> 00:06:18,682
could be a woman--
120
00:06:18,726 --> 00:06:20,945
hid it in a very safe place.
121
00:06:20,989 --> 00:06:23,774
So looks like you're
shit out of luck, bud,
122
00:06:23,818 --> 00:06:25,689
'cause you're never, ever,
123
00:06:25,733 --> 00:06:27,865
ever, ever, ever gonna--
124
00:06:27,909 --> 00:06:29,345
Uh, what's that?
125
00:06:32,174 --> 00:06:33,393
Brimstone.
126
00:06:33,436 --> 00:06:34,655
No, it can't be.
127
00:06:34,698 --> 00:06:36,439
It can, and it is.
128
00:06:36,483 --> 00:06:37,658
You're lying.
129
00:06:37,701 --> 00:06:40,225
You're tying play me
like a blank CD.
130
00:06:40,269 --> 00:06:43,228
But we all know what happens
to blank CDs.
131
00:06:43,272 --> 00:06:45,796
They get burned.
132
00:06:46,884 --> 00:06:48,190
Okay.
133
00:06:48,233 --> 00:06:50,714
Well, if this isn't Brimstone,
134
00:06:50,758 --> 00:06:54,239
then why am I gonna kill you
right now?
135
00:06:54,283 --> 00:06:57,373
You're not, right?
136
00:06:57,417 --> 00:07:01,246
Perhaps you remember your
old friend, Constantine Bach.
137
00:07:01,290 --> 00:07:02,900
Constantine.
138
00:07:06,991 --> 00:07:08,297
No.
139
00:07:10,299 --> 00:07:12,475
Hello, MacGruber.
140
00:07:12,519 --> 00:07:13,955
But you're dead.
141
00:07:13,998 --> 00:07:16,784
No, he survived that
explosion at Cunth's compound.
142
00:07:16,827 --> 00:07:19,090
His eyes didn't, however,
143
00:07:19,134 --> 00:07:21,266
which is why he requested
personally
144
00:07:21,310 --> 00:07:23,138
to kill you himself.
145
00:07:24,182 --> 00:07:26,620
I just wish he could see
what he's about to do to you.
146
00:07:28,926 --> 00:07:31,755
Well, we're off to make merry.
147
00:07:31,799 --> 00:07:34,018
Hey, Queeth, one more thing.
148
00:07:35,367 --> 00:07:37,500
Go fuck yourself.
149
00:07:38,806 --> 00:07:40,590
Another home run.
150
00:07:40,634 --> 00:07:41,983
Have you been working on these?
151
00:07:42,026 --> 00:07:43,375
I sure have.
152
00:07:43,419 --> 00:07:45,726
And I don't accept
your compliment.
153
00:07:46,727 --> 00:07:48,119
Goodbye, MacGruber.
154
00:07:50,948 --> 00:07:53,342
Constantine, he's all yours.
155
00:07:53,385 --> 00:07:54,691
Fuck you!
156
00:07:54,735 --> 00:07:56,345
You won't get away with this!
157
00:07:56,388 --> 00:07:59,783
I'm gonna get outta here,
and I'm gonna stop you!
158
00:07:59,827 --> 00:08:02,351
Fuck you!
Ready the choppers.
159
00:08:18,106 --> 00:08:20,630
What is all this crap
we're hauling anyway?
160
00:08:20,674 --> 00:08:22,153
No idea.
161
00:08:22,197 --> 00:08:24,373
But it's important enough
for me to get an H2 clearance
162
00:08:24,416 --> 00:08:25,766
and miss
my daughter's birthday.
163
00:08:25,809 --> 00:08:28,943
Oh, that's too bad, man.
How old is she?
164
00:08:28,986 --> 00:08:30,901
She's 8 going on 18.
165
00:08:33,861 --> 00:08:36,777
Aw, she's a cute kid.
166
00:08:38,039 --> 00:08:40,345
Gonna need therapy, though.
167
00:08:40,389 --> 00:08:42,870
Wait, why would you say...
168
00:08:47,265 --> 00:08:49,180
The partridge
is in the pear tree.
169
00:08:49,224 --> 00:08:50,399
Wonderful.
170
00:08:50,442 --> 00:08:53,445
Tell the reindeer
to turn that sled around.
171
00:08:53,489 --> 00:08:56,405
Copy that.
172
00:08:58,886 --> 00:09:00,452
♪ Free
173
00:09:00,496 --> 00:09:02,585
♪ When we hear
174
00:09:02,629 --> 00:09:05,283
♪ The voices sing
175
00:09:05,327 --> 00:09:07,285
♪ The book of love
will open up ♪
176
00:09:07,329 --> 00:09:09,853
♪ And let us in
177
00:09:11,072 --> 00:09:12,334
Thanks for coming.
178
00:09:12,377 --> 00:09:15,206
Your message sounded
pretty urgent.
179
00:09:15,250 --> 00:09:18,949
Piper, MacGruber's dead!
180
00:09:18,993 --> 00:09:22,170
Ohh, he's dead! Ah!
181
00:09:23,432 --> 00:09:25,347
They asked him to do
a suicide mission.
182
00:09:25,390 --> 00:09:28,393
And he RSVP'd, "Yass, queen."
183
00:09:28,437 --> 00:09:29,569
He didn't tell you?
184
00:09:30,613 --> 00:09:31,745
I didn't let him.
185
00:09:33,094 --> 00:09:34,878
Ohh.
186
00:09:34,922 --> 00:09:36,750
We used to make love
to this song.
187
00:09:36,793 --> 00:09:37,925
Mm.
188
00:09:37,968 --> 00:09:39,187
Me and MacGruber.
189
00:09:39,230 --> 00:09:40,580
Yeah, I got it.
190
00:09:40,623 --> 00:09:44,627
Oh, he was such
a giving partner.
191
00:09:44,671 --> 00:09:48,631
He never wanted me
to have to do any of the work.
192
00:09:48,675 --> 00:09:49,980
Sometimes he would even tell me
193
00:09:50,024 --> 00:09:52,069
to not talk
so he could picture something.
194
00:09:52,113 --> 00:09:53,723
Nice.
195
00:09:53,767 --> 00:09:57,858
Probably just the two of us
on a hike or swimming at the Y.
196
00:09:58,946 --> 00:10:01,775
We would build
to this crescendo,
197
00:10:01,818 --> 00:10:06,562
and he would generously finish
for the both of us.
198
00:10:06,606 --> 00:10:07,824
And then use the restroom.
199
00:10:07,868 --> 00:10:08,695
Okay.
200
00:10:08,738 --> 00:10:11,611
Be in there for a while.
201
00:10:11,654 --> 00:10:15,049
Then he would come,
and in his best
202
00:10:15,092 --> 00:10:19,575
Jim Carry voice he would say,
"Do not go in there."
203
00:10:19,619 --> 00:10:21,621
- Cool.
- He would shake my hand,
204
00:10:21,664 --> 00:10:27,496
ask me to leave,
and then hug me with one arm.
205
00:10:27,539 --> 00:10:29,977
It was pure bliss.
206
00:10:30,020 --> 00:10:32,066
Yeah, it sounds--yeah.
207
00:10:32,109 --> 00:10:34,372
♪ The book of love
will open up ♪
208
00:10:34,416 --> 00:10:37,027
Whoo! Come on, Piper.
Let's go.
209
00:10:37,071 --> 00:10:38,159
Let's celebrate.
210
00:10:38,202 --> 00:10:39,290
Vicki, you don't
have to do this.
211
00:10:39,334 --> 00:10:42,685
Don't have to what, Piper?
Be happy?
212
00:10:42,729 --> 00:10:46,646
I have a wonderful husband
and a big, glitzy house,
213
00:10:46,689 --> 00:10:48,256
and I don't ever
have to work again.
214
00:10:48,299 --> 00:10:50,911
And no more getting shot at,
and no more risking my life
215
00:10:50,954 --> 00:10:52,260
to save the world.
216
00:10:52,303 --> 00:10:55,306
I have the best job ever now.
217
00:10:55,350 --> 00:10:56,830
I'm a wife.
218
00:10:59,615 --> 00:11:01,356
I'm really happy.
219
00:11:01,399 --> 00:11:03,488
Ohh.
220
00:11:06,013 --> 00:11:07,841
He needed us.
221
00:11:07,884 --> 00:11:11,322
He needed us.
222
00:11:11,366 --> 00:11:13,150
♪ Baby
223
00:11:13,194 --> 00:11:16,719
Okay. Okay, what you need
is some sleep.
224
00:11:16,763 --> 00:11:17,764
Yeah.
225
00:11:17,807 --> 00:11:19,069
So let me
take you home, okay?
226
00:11:19,113 --> 00:11:22,290
- Yeah.
- All right.
227
00:11:22,333 --> 00:11:24,031
What kind of car do you have?
228
00:11:28,209 --> 00:11:29,340
Ahh!
229
00:11:29,384 --> 00:11:31,603
Ah, there he is.
230
00:11:34,389 --> 00:11:37,000
Shall we begin?
231
00:11:37,044 --> 00:11:40,003
I made these
especially for you, MacGruber.
232
00:11:40,047 --> 00:11:40,961
Oh, God.
233
00:11:41,004 --> 00:11:43,528
And I can't wait to use them.
234
00:11:43,572 --> 00:11:45,052
Constantine, come on, buddy.
235
00:11:45,095 --> 00:11:46,706
What's the rush, right?
236
00:11:46,749 --> 00:11:49,839
You know, you should grab a few
Molsons and pull up a chair.
237
00:11:49,883 --> 00:11:52,712
I'll just hang here literally.
238
00:11:52,755 --> 00:11:55,540
But seriously,
let's catch up, huh?
239
00:11:55,584 --> 00:12:00,154
I've thought about this day
for 11 years.
240
00:12:00,197 --> 00:12:02,373
I've thought about it too.
241
00:12:02,417 --> 00:12:05,681
'Cause I knew that this would
be the day that you forgave me
242
00:12:05,725 --> 00:12:08,162
for getting your eyes
all blown up to shit.
243
00:12:08,205 --> 00:12:11,861
Look, I got some buds
in the optical industry.
244
00:12:11,905 --> 00:12:14,037
So why don't you let me out
of here,
245
00:12:14,081 --> 00:12:16,431
and we can go get you
a brand-new set of peepers
246
00:12:16,474 --> 00:12:18,694
for those eye stumps of yours,
huh?
247
00:12:18,738 --> 00:12:20,174
Any color you want.
248
00:12:20,217 --> 00:12:23,743
And I promise you
from the bottom of my heart
249
00:12:23,786 --> 00:12:25,179
I will not press charges.
250
00:12:25,222 --> 00:12:27,790
You've done a lot
of very hideous things today
251
00:12:27,834 --> 00:12:30,750
that are illegal, to be honest,
very illegal.
252
00:12:30,793 --> 00:12:32,447
And I will not--
I'll overlook it.
253
00:12:32,490 --> 00:12:35,232
I'll just like,
"Didn't happen."
254
00:12:35,276 --> 00:12:37,582
Sorry, MacGruber.
255
00:12:37,626 --> 00:12:41,630
Now, what do I want
to start with?
256
00:12:42,805 --> 00:12:46,243
Ah, this will do nicely.
257
00:12:56,210 --> 00:13:00,780
I'm gonna carve you up
like a country ham.
258
00:13:00,823 --> 00:13:04,914
And I'm gonna take it
nice and slow
259
00:13:04,958 --> 00:13:08,831
so you can enjoy
every second of it.
260
00:13:08,875 --> 00:13:10,833
No, no, no.
Please, don't do this.
261
00:13:10,877 --> 00:13:13,053
This isn't you.
You're better than this.
262
00:13:13,096 --> 00:13:15,969
Be best. Be best.
263
00:13:17,231 --> 00:13:19,799
How about little music?
264
00:13:19,842 --> 00:13:22,932
It tends to cover
the screaming.
265
00:13:22,976 --> 00:13:26,109
- Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah.
266
00:13:29,286 --> 00:13:33,464
Constantine, bud, on your way
to get that music going--
267
00:13:33,508 --> 00:13:34,683
which by the way
I agree
268
00:13:34,726 --> 00:13:36,859
is a great way
to cover up screaming--
269
00:13:36,903 --> 00:13:39,514
could you pop into the other
room and get me a little water,
270
00:13:39,557 --> 00:13:42,125
you know,
sparkling if you got it?
271
00:13:42,169 --> 00:13:43,997
Nice try, MacGruber.
272
00:13:44,040 --> 00:13:45,476
Shit.
273
00:13:45,520 --> 00:13:48,392
You know, after you
blinded me in that explosion,
274
00:13:48,436 --> 00:13:50,699
it took me years to recover.
275
00:13:52,179 --> 00:13:55,965
The only thing that got me
through was the thought
276
00:13:56,009 --> 00:14:00,317
that one day I'd be able
to deliver to you
277
00:14:00,361 --> 00:14:02,058
as much pain
278
00:14:02,102 --> 00:14:06,802
as you gave me
over the last 11 years.
279
00:14:09,936 --> 00:14:14,766
Not my first choice,
but I'll live.
280
00:14:14,810 --> 00:14:19,771
You on the other hand...
281
00:14:19,815 --> 00:14:23,471
♪ Guess who's out
of his restraints ♪
282
00:14:23,514 --> 00:14:27,388
And I know you can't
see this, but...
283
00:14:27,431 --> 00:14:29,346
Fuck you too, MacGruber.
284
00:14:29,390 --> 00:14:32,480
Well, I guess I'm gonna
skedaddle on outta here.
285
00:14:32,523 --> 00:14:34,961
By the way, thanks for leaving
that scalpel right by
286
00:14:35,004 --> 00:14:36,876
where my fucking hands were,
287
00:14:36,919 --> 00:14:38,878
you fucking dumbass.
288
00:14:38,921 --> 00:14:40,749
I mean, that was
the biggest dipshit move,
289
00:14:40,792 --> 00:14:43,012
and I cannot wait
to tell Queeth about it
290
00:14:43,056 --> 00:14:45,623
right before I rip out
his throat
291
00:14:45,667 --> 00:14:48,757
and take a major dump
down his neck.
292
00:14:48,800 --> 00:14:50,063
You know what
that's called, huh?
293
00:14:50,977 --> 00:14:54,023
An upper-necker.
Yeah.
294
00:14:54,067 --> 00:14:56,721
So, well,
guess I should be going.
295
00:14:56,765 --> 00:14:59,115
Great to "see" you.
296
00:14:59,159 --> 00:15:01,683
And yes, that is a dig
at the fact
297
00:15:01,726 --> 00:15:03,728
that you don't have
usable eyes anymore.
298
00:15:03,772 --> 00:15:05,382
Oh, and one more thing.
299
00:15:05,426 --> 00:15:08,951
I am totally pressing charges.
300
00:15:08,995 --> 00:15:10,344
Yeah.
301
00:15:11,911 --> 00:15:14,217
So kiss my fucking butt,
302
00:15:14,261 --> 00:15:18,308
'cause I am officially
outta here.
303
00:15:18,352 --> 00:15:19,962
What the fuck?
304
00:15:20,006 --> 00:15:23,270
Maybe it's time we even
the playing field.
305
00:15:28,318 --> 00:15:30,799
Fuck.
306
00:15:35,238 --> 00:15:36,718
♪ Baa, baa, black sheep,
have you any wool? ♪
307
00:15:36,761 --> 00:15:38,111
Fuck. Fuck.
308
00:15:38,154 --> 00:15:41,810
How the fuck do you
get out of this place? Shit.
309
00:15:41,853 --> 00:15:44,204
Hey, MacGruber.
310
00:15:44,247 --> 00:15:46,771
I went and got myself
a little toy.
311
00:15:48,251 --> 00:15:50,819
Holy shit. A fire gun.
312
00:15:50,862 --> 00:15:53,561
- A flamethrower.
- Yeah, a flamethrower.
313
00:15:53,604 --> 00:15:55,171
You know, the only good thing
314
00:15:55,215 --> 00:15:57,652
about losing
one of your senses?
315
00:15:57,695 --> 00:16:00,785
The other ones
grow much stronger.
316
00:16:00,829 --> 00:16:03,745
You can smell better.
317
00:16:03,788 --> 00:16:06,400
You can hear better.
318
00:16:06,443 --> 00:16:07,923
You can kill better.
319
00:16:07,967 --> 00:16:09,142
Ahh!
320
00:16:11,840 --> 00:16:13,929
It's the one with the ducks
on the door.
321
00:16:13,973 --> 00:16:16,540
Nice.
322
00:16:19,369 --> 00:16:21,328
He's gone, Piper.
323
00:16:21,371 --> 00:16:23,547
He's really gone.
324
00:16:23,591 --> 00:16:24,635
Mm.
325
00:16:26,072 --> 00:16:28,509
And he's never,
ever coming back.
326
00:16:28,552 --> 00:16:31,816
Hey, remember
what he always used to say.
327
00:16:31,860 --> 00:16:35,081
"Never ever say never ever."
328
00:16:35,124 --> 00:16:36,473
He taught us so much.
329
00:16:37,779 --> 00:16:40,651
He was the smartest man
that ever lived.
330
00:16:42,175 --> 00:16:43,437
Uh, yeah.
331
00:16:45,439 --> 00:16:48,137
I bet he's in heaven
right now
332
00:16:48,181 --> 00:16:52,011
fighting for justice
with Gandhi and Lady Di.
333
00:16:52,054 --> 00:16:53,142
I bet he is.
334
00:16:53,186 --> 00:16:55,753
You know, like,
if some bad guys got in,
335
00:16:55,797 --> 00:16:58,060
like, they snuck in on, like,
a technicality
336
00:16:58,104 --> 00:16:59,757
and they shouldn't have...
Right.
337
00:16:59,801 --> 00:17:02,325
I bet he's punching them
in the face right now...
338
00:17:02,369 --> 00:17:04,371
- Sure.
- Kicking them in the friggin'
339
00:17:04,414 --> 00:17:06,460
butts and ribs
and pulling out their eyes.
340
00:17:10,942 --> 00:17:15,512
He always wanted to pull out
someone's eyes.
341
00:17:15,556 --> 00:17:17,079
But he didn't get to.
342
00:17:17,123 --> 00:17:19,603
I'm sorry.
343
00:17:19,647 --> 00:17:22,084
I don't mean
to make this all about me.
344
00:17:22,128 --> 00:17:25,131
I know you're hurting too.
345
00:17:25,174 --> 00:17:26,828
Yeah.
346
00:17:26,871 --> 00:17:28,786
What do you think he'd be
doing to the bad guys up there?
347
00:17:32,703 --> 00:17:34,009
All the stuff that you said.
348
00:17:34,053 --> 00:17:39,841
That's so true.
349
00:17:39,884 --> 00:17:42,017
Thanks, Piper.
350
00:17:42,800 --> 00:17:44,889
Look, you're gonna
get through this.
351
00:17:44,933 --> 00:17:48,197
I know it's hard,
but just try to remember,
352
00:17:48,241 --> 00:17:49,546
he's in a better place.
353
00:17:49,590 --> 00:17:51,809
He's in a better place.
354
00:17:53,594 --> 00:17:54,856
Okay.
355
00:18:03,256 --> 00:18:05,736
He's in a better place.
356
00:18:12,265 --> 00:18:18,271
♪ MacGruber, where are ya?
357
00:18:37,812 --> 00:18:40,293
Our Father, who art in
heaven, hallowed be thy name.
358
00:18:40,336 --> 00:18:41,816
Thy kingdom come;
thy will be done.
359
00:18:54,437 --> 00:18:58,876
♪ Baa, baa, black sheep,
have you any wool? ♪
360
00:18:58,920 --> 00:19:02,097
♪ Yes sir, yes sir,
three bags full ♪
361
00:19:02,141 --> 00:19:03,577
Gotcha!
362
00:19:03,620 --> 00:19:06,493
Those stairs are a dead end,
MacGruber.
363
00:19:06,536 --> 00:19:08,103
You're fucked now.
364
00:19:08,147 --> 00:19:10,105
Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
365
00:19:12,455 --> 00:19:13,848
Fuck, fuck.
366
00:19:20,333 --> 00:19:24,989
MacGruber,
I have a story for ya.
367
00:19:25,033 --> 00:19:27,949
Long ago there was a king
368
00:19:27,992 --> 00:19:32,823
with a very interesting way
of dealing with criminals.
369
00:19:32,867 --> 00:19:37,176
He'd give them a choice
between two doors.
370
00:19:37,219 --> 00:19:40,788
Behind one door
was a hungry lion
371
00:19:40,831 --> 00:19:44,879
who'd immediately tear
the criminal to pieces.
372
00:19:44,922 --> 00:19:48,187
Behind the other door
was a pot of gold.
373
00:19:48,230 --> 00:19:51,538
The criminal just had
to make the right choice.
374
00:19:51,581 --> 00:19:54,497
What's the play?
What's the fucking play?
375
00:19:54,541 --> 00:19:58,675
What choice are you
going to make, MacGruber?
376
00:19:58,719 --> 00:20:02,723
Well, unfortunately for you,
377
00:20:02,766 --> 00:20:05,769
in my version of the story,
378
00:20:05,813 --> 00:20:08,424
there's a lion
behind both doors.
379
00:20:08,468 --> 00:20:10,121
And guess what.
380
00:20:10,165 --> 00:20:12,515
It's dinnertime.
381
00:20:12,559 --> 00:20:15,997
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
382
00:20:16,040 --> 00:20:21,568
Ahh! Ahh!
383
00:20:22,569 --> 00:20:25,180
Now,
that's a spicy meatball.
384
00:20:29,271 --> 00:20:31,882
Oh, shit.
385
00:20:31,926 --> 00:20:33,406
Shit, shit, shit.
386
00:20:33,449 --> 00:20:34,494
Ahh!
387
00:21:35,119 --> 00:21:37,165
So this is it.
388
00:21:37,208 --> 00:21:40,647
This is where he dies.
389
00:21:40,690 --> 00:21:43,258
So long, MacGruber.
390
00:21:43,302 --> 00:21:45,652
You were one of the good ones.
391
00:21:50,309 --> 00:21:53,573
At ease, soldier.
392
00:21:53,616 --> 00:21:59,579
We'll take it from here.
393
00:22:43,362 --> 00:22:45,015
Oh, thank God,
394
00:22:45,059 --> 00:22:47,322
the light
at the end of the tunnel.
395
00:23:16,177 --> 00:23:19,093
Oh, yes, yes, yes.
396
00:23:19,136 --> 00:23:21,878
There's no chance
I won't make it now.
397
00:23:23,053 --> 00:23:24,490
Ahh!
398
00:23:24,533 --> 00:23:27,449
What do you say we burn
in hell together, MacGruber?
399
00:23:27,493 --> 00:23:29,930
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
400
00:23:29,973 --> 00:23:32,323
- Ahh!
- Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha!
401
00:23:32,367 --> 00:23:35,501
- Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha!
- Ahh!
402
00:23:39,548 --> 00:23:42,029
- Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha!
- No! No!
403
00:23:48,165 --> 00:23:50,472
Ah-ha-ha!
404
00:23:53,127 --> 00:23:54,607
Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha!
405
00:23:58,262 --> 00:24:00,700
Sleep well, my prince.
406
00:24:00,743 --> 00:24:03,224
- Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha!
- Goodbye, my love.
407
00:24:03,267 --> 00:24:05,400
Ahh!
408
00:24:29,642 --> 00:24:31,818
Ahh!
409
00:24:36,736 --> 00:24:38,781
Got a man down here.
410
00:24:43,569 --> 00:24:44,961
Oh, my God, Constantine.
411
00:24:45,005 --> 00:24:46,963
Man, how are you even alive?
412
00:24:47,007 --> 00:24:49,052
I'm not.
413
00:24:50,227 --> 00:24:52,752
But I am.
26754
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