Original subtitles

Come on, Papadakis, it's your last lap.

You only have to run a 10 -minute mile.

You know what?

Papadakis may have lost 40 pounds, but he still sweats like a fat body.

It's his time. He's running 20 seconds behind.

Yeah, but if he's a little over, you're still going to pass him on the Army

fitness test, right?

No. Everybody has to be battle -ready, including Papadakis. I want to die!

Please let me die!

You can do it, Papadakis!

I believe in you!

He cannot do it. I do not believe in him.

You know what? I actually do believe in him. He just needs the proper

motivation. Major, deploy our new recruit. Yes, sir.

Sergeant Scraps, go get him.

Operation Here's a Good Boy is a go.

You trained a dog to attack him?

It's a sheep herding dog. It's just going to nip at his heel.

It's working. He's still ten seconds behind, though. All right, time for

operation. Who's the bad boy?

What a beauty.

Took a useless bowling alley and turned it into the best urban training site in

all of Europe. And now Stroop Stroop will be known for three things.

Laundry, cheese, and kicking your ass.

Hey, uh, remember when I said, when are we going to get General Davidson's

permission to build this? And you said, how's he going to find out? Gwen! What?

How dare you go behind my back and destroy this beautiful bowling alley?

was joining the league this year. We were going to call ourselves the Pinup

Boys. What? Shirts!

We're maids. Sure. Are you trying to provoke me? Sir, we need to stay

viable. I think that's more important than you throwing a few gutter balls on

Tuesday nights. Something you gotta know about me.

I bowl good.

Well, I army good.

I'm considered one of the greatest military minds of my generation, which

the Quinn maneuver has been taught at West Point. It's not. What? Actually,

reverse pencil movement has been removed from the textbook. Why? Why would they

do that? Well, let's see. It was irrelevant, stupid, and reckless, just

you. I'd rather be all those things than a stupid pinup boy with a fancy shirt.

Well, I will be here tomorrow with the paratroopers of the 173rd, and

together... We will teach you about the chain of command.

Great. No rules.

Love it. Double blind.

Fantastic. Force on force simulated combat.

We look forward to some unfriendly combat competition. Bring it on, creepo.

you're thinking that you and your troops will be doing the fighting? You

misunderstand. I'm bringing in the paratroopers to fight with each other.

Are you telling me you're going to come in here and have an orgy in my living

room make me...

Listen at the door? No.

Actually, I'm going to keep the door open.

True. You've been excised from this year's edition of the West Point

and replaced with a picture of a war horse like the war horse in the movie

Horse. Just based on the play. War Horse?

I think it's based on a book.

War Horse. Enough with the War Horse, okay?

It's humiliating sitting watching combat on my own base while I'm not involved.

Permission to give you a supportive hug, sir.

Yep. You know what?

Eh. Davidson turned me into a cuck. He cucked me. He turned this chair into a

cuck chair. I'm a sitting... Cuck. Cuck. You know what? No more sitting. We're

getting rid of chairs.

Everybody stands from now on. Take the stupid book. Yeah, got it. Got it.

What is a cuck chair?

Think he's going to be okay?

Yeah, he just needs time to process.

Oh, well, that actually sounds kind of healthy.

Oh, no, no, no, no. Processing is what he calls plotting to destroy your enemy.

Yeah, that sounds more like my dad.

Hey, uh...

I know Celeste and I've been checked out, but, um... Oh, well. We're looking

hang out again, and I'd love for us all to get together and you two to get to

know each other, maybe, unless that's weird.

What?

Weird?

Why would that be weird? Literally no reason that would be weird. You're

You're weird? For being... saying that it's... weird.

No, I love Celeste, and I love you two together.

I'd love to...

Be with you two together.

Yeah, absolutely.

Great. All right, let's figure something out then. Let's get in the cow.

I'm excited.

I'm down.

Looking forward to it. About time.

I'm so booked.

I haven't set a date yet. Well, it's just really nights are hard for me. And

only like, only every night.

Well, we could do breakfast, maybe? Celeste and I get up early every morning

we run together.

Yeah, no, I've seen you guys.

You'd think it would be really hard for you and your wife to jog and kiss at the

same time, but...

You guys have really figured it out.

Hey, guys, I know how to beat Davidson in his own game. You process that in

under two minutes.

New record, sir. Listen, he wants no rules combat.

We're going to give it to him. All right. Well, exactly how no rules are

thinking? Nothing crazy, you know.

The first part's going to sound like kidnapping, but I checked it out, and

legally we're in the clear.

Sir, what you're describing is...

Definitely kidnapping.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Kidnapping is when you take someone against their will and use violence and

intimidation to hold them captive. The worst you could say about what we're

doing is maybe waylaying, you know? Okay, why do you have the legal statute

kidnapping memorized?

Because I'm a patriot.

Well, uh, why are we in Belgium?

I don't know, man. I ordered us to transport you to the drop -off, and this

the drop -off.

All right, guys.

Did we get kidnapped?

I think technically we were way late.

Holy crap!

He told us we were stealing military supplies, not laser tag gear, dude.

It's not laser tag. It's force -on -force simulated combat. In a double

exercise, where neither side shares their plan with the other. So General

Davidson's blue team has no idea what red team is up to, like the fact that we

are now red team.

We still don't understand why we want to embarrass ourselves by attacking our

direct superior and his super soldiers.

General Davidson wanted no rules of combat, which means there's no rule we

play. And Davidson's trying to cock me, but I'm going to cock him. That's why.

Colonel? Yeah? I volunteer to be the decisive point.

You don't have the experience, and it's not take your daughter to war. War day?

It actually is. Literally, take your daughter to war day. And Allison

never shut up about going to her dad's stupid dairy farm and getting all of the

chocolate milk that she could drink.

This is my chocolate milk.

Okay. Give me the gun. No. Yeah, I am not running a Make -A -Wish Foundation

here, okay? But I really am the Beth Laser thought that you've got. It's not.

Laser tag, guys. How many times do I have to say it? Told you.

Lock and load.

Yeah, I, uh... I think we're playing laser.

Honey, they tried to kill the disco in the 80s, but you can never stop the

All right, guys, everybody gather around.

Final briefing.

Thank you, sir.

Okay,

at 1400, this flag will start pinging its location.

General Davidson and his blue team right over here will begin attacking our

position. Now, for them to win, they have to get their hands on this flag.

For us to win, every one of their soldiers have to be eliminated.

Okay, there's no reason to worry. It's a simulated combat.

Right? If you get shot, you get a small shock, your gun and equipment turns off,

and then you just walk right over to the dead tent. Yeah, about that. I had

Papadakis hack into the sensor system and goose the shock, I don't know, a

couple, maybe five levels.

Oh, no.

How bad is it going to hurt? Somewhere between playing the board game operation

and getting tased repeatedly.

Repeatedly? Listen.

It is okay to be scared.

No, no, no.

No, it's not. They are out there in their tent scared, too. They are not

We are soldiers just like them. No, we're not.

They are Hall of Fame combat -ready soldiers.

You're dressed like soldiers, but you guys are basically little leaguers

on the bench pulling your butts.

They said those records were sealed. Listen to me. Any other day, any other

place, we don't stand a chance. But today, in Stroopdorf, we got them.

Because we have the element of surprise.

Davidson has no idea we are now the red team.

So stay frosty, because we go in a war in ten minutes.

I do have something in ten minutes.

I'll push it.

Thanks.

I volunteer to hold down the situation here in the rear.

Negative. The colonel has ordered you to be in the first wave. First wave? Yeah.

First wave. Uh -huh. I haven't held a gun since basic. And the colonel said

himself, none of us are really soldiers.

I mean, the new guy is over there pressing flowers in a big -ass book.

He's so strange.

Listen, I don't like to be embarrassed.

You don't have to worry about embarrassing yourself, because there is

think about. All right, we've been given an order, and we've got to follow it.

Isn't that freeing? No. I've always found it freeing.

Hey, Maggie.

Colette. Good to see you. I'm so happy we finally have a morning hang on the

books. Well, tentative.

Tentative. I wanted to tell you that I'm kind of a witch and that I can sense

things. You know what I mean? And I just know that we're going to be such good

friends because we have so much in common.

Sorry, like what?

Well, we both really like Abe.

Oh, no.

No. Well, sorry. No, I just mean that I have never liked...

Or I've never, like, said. Oh, my God. No, that's not what I meant. Good, good,

good. The way that he talks about you, you can tell that there's a lot of love

and admiration.

Good. Kind of like a baby sister.

That's exactly it.

Bless his heart. Do you mind? I actually completely forgot I have to go talk to

the colonel right now. Oh, right now? Yeah.

Excuse me. Sure. Hey.

FYI, I still shoot, you know, long -range, firing at melons, just like I

with you when I was a kid. You know, the cantaloupe you kill yourself always

tastes sweeter. You taught me that, right?

Okay, what do you want? Let me be the decisive point.

No. It's Shaw. He's got the most combat experience.

Okay, well, Shaw is distracted.

Are they staring into each other's eyes?

They do that. Yeah, you know, he did ask me to make sure that Celeste was kept

close to him during the maneuvers. Well, that, so he could focus on her instead

of the mission. As opposed to me, who has nothing, who will only focus on the

mission.

Congratulations. You're the decisive point.

Congratulations to you. You just guaranteed yourself a victory.

All right, well, let's go out there and get some melon shots. I'm going to turn

those paratroopers into an edible arrangement.

Split the blue team into alpha and broad with quads and prepare for any contact.

General, we have a ping from the flag. Ten meters from the entrance to the

site.

How you doing, soldier?

Being in the first wave reminds me of that scene in Saving Private Ryan. You

know, the one where everyone immediately gets mowed down.

Yeah.

I love that scene.

I was looking for some reassurance.

Soldier, my reassurance is standing right next to you.

Because I would never ask you to do anything I wouldn't do myself.

And you always come out fine. Oh, yeah. I mean, I get shot a lot. I have three

purple hearts. That's two and eight.

I'm sorry, sir. No, no, no. You can't embarrass me.

It's one of my biggest strengths. I refuse to be embarrassed.

All right. Yep.

It allows me to do the impossible.

Bravo team, cut to power. Alpha team, prepare to breach the training center.

All right, soldier.

Be on the beat.

Second clear, sir.

The flag is in that shipping container.

It was the wrong shipping container.

Alpha team is down. Alpha team is down. Bravo team, prepare for entry.

Go, follow me.

Clear, sir.

Got you. Go, go, go.

No wonder my dad never came home.

Whoa. Judging by how many of you guys wet your pants, I definitely goose the

shock too much.

I've had about enough of you, witch.

Oh, no.

That made it weird.

That made it weird.

Red surrounded blue from the middle like some sort of reverse pincer movement.

But that's impossible.

That's the Quinn Maneuver.

All right, guys.

Hey, listen up, guys. That was an amazing day out there. But before we

get crazy, I wanted to just take this time to single out.

Today's MVP.

Yep. This is somebody who really put on a great performance today without whom

couldn't have done what we did. Ladies and gentlemen, Scraps! Where are you,

Scraps? Come here, baby.

Oh, yeah, there you are. Take a bow.

Take a bow.

Scraps, come here.

Aww.

Are you proud of anyone else as well?

Well, yeah, no. I mean, I'm proud of all you guys in a very general, non

-specific way. Come on. Let's go find Scraps and get something to eat.

Okay. Hey.

You know that I took out half of the blue team single -handedly. Well, we'll

find out. I'll check all the gun data and we'll see just how many melons you

hit. Sorry, what now? The gun data.

Yeah, that's why we do all the electronic BS. We have, like, we can

everybody. Every single shot.

You have to do that.

Right, because of... Well, that's how you find out if there was any friendly

fire. Because it can't happen. It's the opposite of what we're trying to achieve

here. Yeah.

All right, have a good time. All right. Okay.

Uh, that was awesome. That was awesome!

Can I, uh, one second?

Do you mind? Yeah.

I just want to make sure that there's no way that the, um, blue team could,

like, erase their data if they wanted to.

Well, they could try to reset their device with a paperclip. Paperclip.

See, that'll bring you back from the dead and wipe the most recent game.

You know what? I think I'll call West Point and tell them my maneuver worked

again and it's time to put it back into the textbook for next year. General

Davidson's on the line. probably ready to wave the white flag general you may

have defeated my blue team but i know your plan now and i just took command of

the real red team what they're supposed to be way late oh my god what is the

real red team doing back here the dutch bus system is very comprehensive this is

why public transportation should be illegal all right now we're gonna do

gonna flank them go out the back door so we don't get shot and end up in the

dead tent don't even worry about that.

You guys, you know what?

I'm going to take care of these guys single -handedly. I hope I don't get

Contact!

Hey.

Oh my God, Maggie, thank God. I'm so happy you're here.

Wow, they really, uh, recreated the stench of death in here. Oh, yes, that

urine. A lot of these guys feed themselves, and they're being really

about it.

Meanwhile, I'm the only one on my team that got shot, so I'm mortified.

Well, let's take a look, because your equipment might have, like,

No, I don't think so. I shouted.

I was yelling pew, pew, pew the whole time while I was firing.

I wanted to impress you. You know, I wanted to impress all of Abe's friends,

because he's made this place home, and I was hoping it would be mine, too.

I got shot on purpose, so I could come in here and reset you. Really?

Yeah.

You could reset me, and then we'll both have a second chance.

Okay.

Let's go in it. Do it.

It also feels like poo in some areas. Yeah, someone did that as well.

Oh, God.

Sir?

I found one.

Soldiers, it's time for the resurrection.

Back, back, back.

Sabin's blue team is back from the dead.

So we were trying to flank them, and then they flanked us. So two flanks is

equal opposite reaction. I'm really scared.

Listen up, soldiers. As your leader, I cannot put you in harm's way.

I know this is a fake war, but I will not let you fake die. I think,

unfortunately, since we're surrounded by Davidson's red and blue team, I'm going

to have to real surrender.

Sir, I would have never passed the Army fitness test if it weren't for you

believing in me enough to chase me with that knife.

And I wouldn't have found out I'm a stone -cold laser killer if you hadn't

this gun in my hand.

We got this far because you believed in us.

Let's finish this thing together.

And twins never surrender.

You know what?

Sergeant Scrapp is right.

We're still in this thing.

The mirror ball.

Guess what, Major Sean? I have just hatched a plan.

Hey, Jan.

Yeah? We're going to need your help with the dramatic costume change.

I have been preparing for this moment.

My whole life.

Well, well, well, General.

Is this the closest you've ever been to the front line?

You are the only soldier I have ever known to take such pride in being shot.

Well, three purple hearts is one of the things I do best. Well, I'm excited to

see it for myself.

I'm sure you are.

Don't do your weapon.

Any last words?

I think just one.

Fire.

You're dead.

You're dead.

You're dead.

I'm just a tank of blood.

This proves nothing.

Proves that the quim maneuver works twice. All right.

We won after being surrounded three times.

Yeah, you're still good.

Must not urinate.

This whole thing made me realize I

am, like, in the Army.

Yes, finally. It's been four years.

Now, that was a great day you had.

Amazing day.

I was very proud of you. Especially when you shot Celeste in the melon.

Okay, how did you... I'm sorry. Don't worry. I would have shot her. I've seen

him kissing and running, too. I know.

So gross.

Disgusting. So much loose tongue.

I would.

More like than I thought.

Yeah. It does.

Hating loose tongue.

Best Medicine is an absolute joy to watch. Catch an all -new episode Tuesday

Fox.

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